Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 7, Episode 18 - Peggy and the Pirates - full transcript
Peggy narrates her own pirate fantasy to Seven as a bedtime story. In the story, Peggy plays Princess Scarlett. Al is Captain Courage, her pirate captor and Jefferson is Prince Paco, her ...
[♪♪♪]
PEG: Oh, baby, that's so good.
I never knew it
could be like this.
Al. AL: Peg.
Al. Peg.
Al.
Peg, shut up, will you?
I'm trying to sleep.
Oh, Al, I had the
most wonderful dream.
We were having sex.
Actually, I shouldn't say "we."
You weren't there.
Oh, yeah? Then why
were you calling, "Al"?
I wanted you to
see how it was done.
Mommy, I can't
sleep. Read me a story.
Hop on in. Come on, honey.
[GRUNTING]
Good boy. There we go.
Peg, where am I
supposed to sleep?
You know, this is why I always
said we should have a stable.
That would be like
an open invitation
for your mother to
come stay with us.
You know, a place with straw,
and a nice gate she
can rest her breasts on.
Well, I guess I'll have to go
to the only place I
can truly call home.
[DOOR SHUTS]
Honey, you just make
yourself nice and snugly,
and Mommy's gonna
find you a story.
Oh, well, I can't read you that.
Oh, I've been looking for this.
[BUZZING]
[CHUCKLES]
How did that get in there?
Oh, here's something.
How about a nice pirate story?
It's very exciting. A
Ship Called Passion.
Does it have water
action and stuff?
Oh, yes, it does.
As a matter of fact,
I was reading it
before I went to bed
and I had a very nice sleep.
Now, let's see here. Okay.
"The beautiful Princess Scarlet
"looked o'er the bounding main
"as she sailed from her father's
realm to meet her betrothed
"Prince Paco the Magnificent
"for the very first time.
The blue waves lapped
gently against the shore..."
[TOILET FLUSHES]
AL: Uh-oh.
A little problem, Peg.
[BLOWS]
This is a job for old Betsy.
Why do all plungers
have girls' names, Al?
Because the caveman used
to hold their women by the feet
for a job like this.
All right. Now, where
were we? [DOOR SHUTS]
"As day broke over Madagascar
so did the heart
of Princess Scarlet,
for her ship was taken
by the vile pirate,
Captain Courage."
The voluptuous
vixen was a prisoner,
not of love, but of evil.
If only they were
better-looking.
Unhand me, you
ruthless rapscallions.
You'll pay dearly for this.
My betrothed, Prince
Paco the Magnificent,
will have your
social-disease-ridden hides.
Now, where is your captain,
that I may spit in his eye?
Where he goes after
every great conquest:
To be alone to work
on the captain's log.
[TOILET FLUSHING]
It is I, Captain Courage.
I had to swing in because
it's wet back there.
Where is the cabin boy?
How may I serve you, sir?
You can swab the
deck in my quarters,
ye of cropped hair
and dubious sexuality.
Aye, aye, sir. But I seem
to have lost my mop.
May I use your nose
hairs as bristles?
Mock me if you will,
oh, cabin boy-girl.
Now, go, before I
make you walk the plank.
Or should I say, walk yourself?
I sense you are threatened
by my androgyny.
Perhaps it is that
encounter that you had
with your strange uncle
pirate that haunteth you.
I am not gay.
Any man can live with
his mother till he's 40.
Captain, the men would
like a shot at Big Red.
"Please, no."
Not now, Wilbur.
Methinks that Scarlet will
bring a bigger ransom as a virgin.
[GIGGLES]
But these wenches are fair game.
And as usual, the first
choice goes to my first mate,
Floovio the
Handsome. Ho, Floovio.
Hello, me pretties.
It's time to partake of a hot
flagon of Floovio. You there.
How would you
like to play a game
of Hide the Hooters
with Floovio?
Come, wenches.
Kiss me or kiss the sharks.
[CHUCKLES]
Floovio, how many
times do I have to tell you?
Don't give them a choice.
Let us flee these waters
infested by my mortal
enemy, Rubio the Cruel.
We'll sail for our hideaway
where girls do our wishes
for bags filled with fishes.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Where is the ship's navigator?
Here, Captain Daddy.
Uh,
I was playing fetch
with Long John Buck
and I forgot we were at sea.
Navigator, we're sailing
to our hideout. Do your job.
Okey-dokey, Captain Daddy.
Now, in case of an emergency,
please use the
exits clearly marked
on the port and
starboard sides of the ship.
And in case of a water landing,
Floovio has many
delightful flotation devices
already blown up in his cabin.
But please, don't
grab their chests,
for the plastic is wearing thin.
Scarlet felt despair creep
over her body like the fog...
or was that Black Bob?
"Either way, she held firm
saving her purity for
Paco the Magnificent."
It's worse than I
thought in there.
It got old Betsy.
This is a job for
old Betsy's mother,
real old Betsy.
I'm going in.
This time, it's personal.
[EXHALES HEAVILY]
"Later that day,
"as the welcoming sun
caressed the curvaceous princess,
she found herself alone
with Captain Courage."
I wanted to hate that
man and his rascal ways,
but after a while, I discovered
something about him:
a zest for life,
a je ne sais quoi
that was hard to resist.
The days became endless
and I became dizzy with wonder.
Where was I?
Where was Prince Paco,
my fearless rescuer?
Where was the
Domino's Pizza ship?
Thirty days or less, my ass.
My senses were reeling.
On the ship of madness,
I yearned for a voice of reason.
Land ho!
Funny-looking land.
Made of wood, sails, oars.
Oh, and a big steering
thing, just like us.
[CRUNCHING]
My goof. It was a ship.
Then, as I looked up,
something golden struck my eye.
I thought it was the sun,
but it was the golden mane
of Prince Paco the Magnificent.
Damn wind.
You there, find the
dastardly Captain Courage,
and bring him here
that he might pay
for abducting my bride-to-be
and causing me this uneven tan.
Though he did not
know who I was,
he was drawn to me like magic.
By your fiery hair and
your bodacious frame
you could be the only one
to tell me where
my fair Scarlet is.
'Tis I, you hunka
hunka burning hair.
I am your fair Scarlet.
Well, I guess I
could handle you.
Many have died trying.
That's why I'm still a virgin.
[GIGGLES]
But let's give it a go.
Watch it, now.
How dare you disturb me
while I was perusing my copy
of Seagoing C-Cups.
Prince Paco, sir,
may I remind you you have
a 3:00 at the beauty parlour.
Set sail!
We are deep in the
waters of Rubio the Cruel
who would stop at nothing
to cop our precious cargo.
And soon...
Soon we shall
kill this Philistine
in a manner befitting
the way he lives.
Nothing will bother me
as long as you do not
take me away from
my mistress the sea,
and saddle me with a
wife that doth not work,
and kids that whilst
not leave the ship.
How about we cut off your
head and feed it to the maggots?
Better.
With the dangerous Captain
Courage tied to the mast,
and Paco by my side,
the threat of Rubio the
Cruel seemed far away.
My prince bared his soul to me.
He could talk for hours
about his deepest passions.
I'm a natural blond.
It's really healthy.
No split ends.
All it takes is a
hundred strokes a day.
That's the ticket.
One, two...
What woman wouldn't
want this man?
But if he was truly
the man of my dreams,
why was I haunted by memories
of my days and nights
of Captain Courage?
[♪♪♪]
But still, I was
promised to Prince Paco.
I couldn't break his heart.
It was obvious he loved me so.
Hey, Floovio.
[SNAPS]
Boy, I sure would
like some of that.
What is it?
It is the cabin boy-girl, sir.
Oh, I am smitten
by that boyish kitten.
Ahoy, cabin boy.
I am strangely attracted to
you and your dubious sexuality.
And I to you and your
easy, pretty-boy manner.
So let me remove all doubt
and prove to you
that I'm no boy.
How?
Look closer, you idiot!
Land ho!
[CRUNCHING]
Uh-oh.
I hope this doesn't
come out of my paycheck.
It was him, the
demon of the seas,
the dagger of deceit,
the hardest-working
pirate in show business,
Rubio the Cruel.
Ahoy, me mates. It
is I, Rubio the Cruel.
[GRUNTS]
But enough good cheer.
Men, hide your women.
Women, hide your heinies,
for I'll bring you the
unique musical styling
of Rubio the Cruel.
Rubettes!
♪ For I'll be true
To the song I sing ♪
♪ And live and die...
Ha-ha A pirate king ♪
♪ For I am a pirate king ♪
♪ And it is it is a glorious
Thing to be a pirate king ♪
♪ Woo! I am the pirate king ♪
♪ I am the very model Of
a modern major general ♪
♪ I've information, vegetable
Animal, and mineral ♪
♪ I know the king of England
And I quote fights historical ♪
♪ From Marathon to Waterloo... ♪
♪ I'm very well aquainted too
With matters mathematical ♪
♪ I understand equations
Both simple and quadratical ♪
♪ About binomial theorem... ♪
♪ Ding, ding, ding
Went the bell ♪
♪ Zing, zing, zing
Went my heartstrings ♪
Now we all know why
he's called Rubio the Cruel.
♪ Till the end of the line ♪
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
You've been a
wonderful audience,
but now it's time
to kill some people
and marry the princess.
Any objections, you
seagoing weenie?
Kill him, Paco.
Rip his guts out.
Show him what I
mean to you, baby.
I would, but I'm
wearing my good clothes.
Besides, I am strangely
attracted to this:
This girl. This girl.
Who wants to see?
Prepare my virgin.
Not that one. I haven't
been at sea that long.
I meant the red goddess.
You're not taking me anywhere.
I'm not gonna spend
one moment with you.
Not with that voice and
that limited repertoire.
Ho! Ha!
Who's next?
♪ A wandering minstrel
I A thing of... ♪ Oh!
Ha. No!
[LAUGHING] [CRYING OUT]
[CHUCKLES]
Now, nothing will stop
me from marrying you,
collecting your dowry,
having my way with
you, and killing you.
Not necessarily in that order.
Can this be my fate?
Married to a man who
would butcher both me
and Gilbert and Sullivan?
Only one could save
me, but he wasn't here.
Captain, save me, and
I will be your woman.
The sea and my girlie
magazines are my woman.
Yes, but can the sea
and your magazines
cook and clean for you?
I will. I just love that stuff.
Yeah?
And are you really a virgin?
As sure as I love
cooking and cleaning.
Well, what about kids?
I don't want no kids.
You don't have to
worry about that.
I'll be too busy
earning us a living
and bringing you kegs
of ale to have children.
Scarlet, you is my woman.
I can't break these chains.
Uh, cabin boy-girl, come.
Show him your bosoms.
[CRIES OUT]
Verily, your flatness
saved the day.
Floovio, my blade.
Cruel, hold on now.
If you want this woman,
you must go through me.
Let's rock.
[GRUNTING]
[BELL DINGS]
[BELL DINGS]
Ha! Ha!
[SQUEALING]
[CHUCKLES]
[SCREAMS]
You're making me look
bad in front of my woman.
At least she
doesn't have to look
at the bits of
corn in your teeth.
That corn is my teeth.
For that, you die.
You fool.
I was taught to fight
by the greatest teachers
in the finest schools in Europe.
Oh, yeah?
I was taught how
to fight in the street.
[GRUNTS] [CRIES OUT]
[CHUCKLES]
And Princess Scarlet
lived happily ever after.
He, on the other hand, was
not interesting ever again.
Get up, honey. Now, go to bed.
Good boy. Go on.
Take me, Captain Courage!
AL: Who?
Why?
Ahh! Peg, no!
[♪♪♪]
PEG: Oh, baby, that's so good.
I never knew it
could be like this.
Al. AL: Peg.
Al. Peg.
Al.
Peg, shut up, will you?
I'm trying to sleep.
Oh, Al, I had the
most wonderful dream.
We were having sex.
Actually, I shouldn't say "we."
You weren't there.
Oh, yeah? Then why
were you calling, "Al"?
I wanted you to
see how it was done.
Mommy, I can't
sleep. Read me a story.
Hop on in. Come on, honey.
[GRUNTING]
Good boy. There we go.
Peg, where am I
supposed to sleep?
You know, this is why I always
said we should have a stable.
That would be like
an open invitation
for your mother to
come stay with us.
You know, a place with straw,
and a nice gate she
can rest her breasts on.
Well, I guess I'll have to go
to the only place I
can truly call home.
[DOOR SHUTS]
Honey, you just make
yourself nice and snugly,
and Mommy's gonna
find you a story.
Oh, well, I can't read you that.
Oh, I've been looking for this.
[BUZZING]
[CHUCKLES]
How did that get in there?
Oh, here's something.
How about a nice pirate story?
It's very exciting. A
Ship Called Passion.
Does it have water
action and stuff?
Oh, yes, it does.
As a matter of fact,
I was reading it
before I went to bed
and I had a very nice sleep.
Now, let's see here. Okay.
"The beautiful Princess Scarlet
"looked o'er the bounding main
"as she sailed from her father's
realm to meet her betrothed
"Prince Paco the Magnificent
"for the very first time.
The blue waves lapped
gently against the shore..."
[TOILET FLUSHES]
AL: Uh-oh.
A little problem, Peg.
[BLOWS]
This is a job for old Betsy.
Why do all plungers
have girls' names, Al?
Because the caveman used
to hold their women by the feet
for a job like this.
All right. Now, where
were we? [DOOR SHUTS]
"As day broke over Madagascar
so did the heart
of Princess Scarlet,
for her ship was taken
by the vile pirate,
Captain Courage."
The voluptuous
vixen was a prisoner,
not of love, but of evil.
If only they were
better-looking.
Unhand me, you
ruthless rapscallions.
You'll pay dearly for this.
My betrothed, Prince
Paco the Magnificent,
will have your
social-disease-ridden hides.
Now, where is your captain,
that I may spit in his eye?
Where he goes after
every great conquest:
To be alone to work
on the captain's log.
[TOILET FLUSHING]
It is I, Captain Courage.
I had to swing in because
it's wet back there.
Where is the cabin boy?
How may I serve you, sir?
You can swab the
deck in my quarters,
ye of cropped hair
and dubious sexuality.
Aye, aye, sir. But I seem
to have lost my mop.
May I use your nose
hairs as bristles?
Mock me if you will,
oh, cabin boy-girl.
Now, go, before I
make you walk the plank.
Or should I say, walk yourself?
I sense you are threatened
by my androgyny.
Perhaps it is that
encounter that you had
with your strange uncle
pirate that haunteth you.
I am not gay.
Any man can live with
his mother till he's 40.
Captain, the men would
like a shot at Big Red.
"Please, no."
Not now, Wilbur.
Methinks that Scarlet will
bring a bigger ransom as a virgin.
[GIGGLES]
But these wenches are fair game.
And as usual, the first
choice goes to my first mate,
Floovio the
Handsome. Ho, Floovio.
Hello, me pretties.
It's time to partake of a hot
flagon of Floovio. You there.
How would you
like to play a game
of Hide the Hooters
with Floovio?
Come, wenches.
Kiss me or kiss the sharks.
[CHUCKLES]
Floovio, how many
times do I have to tell you?
Don't give them a choice.
Let us flee these waters
infested by my mortal
enemy, Rubio the Cruel.
We'll sail for our hideaway
where girls do our wishes
for bags filled with fishes.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Where is the ship's navigator?
Here, Captain Daddy.
Uh,
I was playing fetch
with Long John Buck
and I forgot we were at sea.
Navigator, we're sailing
to our hideout. Do your job.
Okey-dokey, Captain Daddy.
Now, in case of an emergency,
please use the
exits clearly marked
on the port and
starboard sides of the ship.
And in case of a water landing,
Floovio has many
delightful flotation devices
already blown up in his cabin.
But please, don't
grab their chests,
for the plastic is wearing thin.
Scarlet felt despair creep
over her body like the fog...
or was that Black Bob?
"Either way, she held firm
saving her purity for
Paco the Magnificent."
It's worse than I
thought in there.
It got old Betsy.
This is a job for
old Betsy's mother,
real old Betsy.
I'm going in.
This time, it's personal.
[EXHALES HEAVILY]
"Later that day,
"as the welcoming sun
caressed the curvaceous princess,
she found herself alone
with Captain Courage."
I wanted to hate that
man and his rascal ways,
but after a while, I discovered
something about him:
a zest for life,
a je ne sais quoi
that was hard to resist.
The days became endless
and I became dizzy with wonder.
Where was I?
Where was Prince Paco,
my fearless rescuer?
Where was the
Domino's Pizza ship?
Thirty days or less, my ass.
My senses were reeling.
On the ship of madness,
I yearned for a voice of reason.
Land ho!
Funny-looking land.
Made of wood, sails, oars.
Oh, and a big steering
thing, just like us.
[CRUNCHING]
My goof. It was a ship.
Then, as I looked up,
something golden struck my eye.
I thought it was the sun,
but it was the golden mane
of Prince Paco the Magnificent.
Damn wind.
You there, find the
dastardly Captain Courage,
and bring him here
that he might pay
for abducting my bride-to-be
and causing me this uneven tan.
Though he did not
know who I was,
he was drawn to me like magic.
By your fiery hair and
your bodacious frame
you could be the only one
to tell me where
my fair Scarlet is.
'Tis I, you hunka
hunka burning hair.
I am your fair Scarlet.
Well, I guess I
could handle you.
Many have died trying.
That's why I'm still a virgin.
[GIGGLES]
But let's give it a go.
Watch it, now.
How dare you disturb me
while I was perusing my copy
of Seagoing C-Cups.
Prince Paco, sir,
may I remind you you have
a 3:00 at the beauty parlour.
Set sail!
We are deep in the
waters of Rubio the Cruel
who would stop at nothing
to cop our precious cargo.
And soon...
Soon we shall
kill this Philistine
in a manner befitting
the way he lives.
Nothing will bother me
as long as you do not
take me away from
my mistress the sea,
and saddle me with a
wife that doth not work,
and kids that whilst
not leave the ship.
How about we cut off your
head and feed it to the maggots?
Better.
With the dangerous Captain
Courage tied to the mast,
and Paco by my side,
the threat of Rubio the
Cruel seemed far away.
My prince bared his soul to me.
He could talk for hours
about his deepest passions.
I'm a natural blond.
It's really healthy.
No split ends.
All it takes is a
hundred strokes a day.
That's the ticket.
One, two...
What woman wouldn't
want this man?
But if he was truly
the man of my dreams,
why was I haunted by memories
of my days and nights
of Captain Courage?
[♪♪♪]
But still, I was
promised to Prince Paco.
I couldn't break his heart.
It was obvious he loved me so.
Hey, Floovio.
[SNAPS]
Boy, I sure would
like some of that.
What is it?
It is the cabin boy-girl, sir.
Oh, I am smitten
by that boyish kitten.
Ahoy, cabin boy.
I am strangely attracted to
you and your dubious sexuality.
And I to you and your
easy, pretty-boy manner.
So let me remove all doubt
and prove to you
that I'm no boy.
How?
Look closer, you idiot!
Land ho!
[CRUNCHING]
Uh-oh.
I hope this doesn't
come out of my paycheck.
It was him, the
demon of the seas,
the dagger of deceit,
the hardest-working
pirate in show business,
Rubio the Cruel.
Ahoy, me mates. It
is I, Rubio the Cruel.
[GRUNTS]
But enough good cheer.
Men, hide your women.
Women, hide your heinies,
for I'll bring you the
unique musical styling
of Rubio the Cruel.
Rubettes!
♪ For I'll be true
To the song I sing ♪
♪ And live and die...
Ha-ha A pirate king ♪
♪ For I am a pirate king ♪
♪ And it is it is a glorious
Thing to be a pirate king ♪
♪ Woo! I am the pirate king ♪
♪ I am the very model Of
a modern major general ♪
♪ I've information, vegetable
Animal, and mineral ♪
♪ I know the king of England
And I quote fights historical ♪
♪ From Marathon to Waterloo... ♪
♪ I'm very well aquainted too
With matters mathematical ♪
♪ I understand equations
Both simple and quadratical ♪
♪ About binomial theorem... ♪
♪ Ding, ding, ding
Went the bell ♪
♪ Zing, zing, zing
Went my heartstrings ♪
Now we all know why
he's called Rubio the Cruel.
♪ Till the end of the line ♪
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
You've been a
wonderful audience,
but now it's time
to kill some people
and marry the princess.
Any objections, you
seagoing weenie?
Kill him, Paco.
Rip his guts out.
Show him what I
mean to you, baby.
I would, but I'm
wearing my good clothes.
Besides, I am strangely
attracted to this:
This girl. This girl.
Who wants to see?
Prepare my virgin.
Not that one. I haven't
been at sea that long.
I meant the red goddess.
You're not taking me anywhere.
I'm not gonna spend
one moment with you.
Not with that voice and
that limited repertoire.
Ho! Ha!
Who's next?
♪ A wandering minstrel
I A thing of... ♪ Oh!
Ha. No!
[LAUGHING] [CRYING OUT]
[CHUCKLES]
Now, nothing will stop
me from marrying you,
collecting your dowry,
having my way with
you, and killing you.
Not necessarily in that order.
Can this be my fate?
Married to a man who
would butcher both me
and Gilbert and Sullivan?
Only one could save
me, but he wasn't here.
Captain, save me, and
I will be your woman.
The sea and my girlie
magazines are my woman.
Yes, but can the sea
and your magazines
cook and clean for you?
I will. I just love that stuff.
Yeah?
And are you really a virgin?
As sure as I love
cooking and cleaning.
Well, what about kids?
I don't want no kids.
You don't have to
worry about that.
I'll be too busy
earning us a living
and bringing you kegs
of ale to have children.
Scarlet, you is my woman.
I can't break these chains.
Uh, cabin boy-girl, come.
Show him your bosoms.
[CRIES OUT]
Verily, your flatness
saved the day.
Floovio, my blade.
Cruel, hold on now.
If you want this woman,
you must go through me.
Let's rock.
[GRUNTING]
[BELL DINGS]
[BELL DINGS]
Ha! Ha!
[SQUEALING]
[CHUCKLES]
[SCREAMS]
You're making me look
bad in front of my woman.
At least she
doesn't have to look
at the bits of
corn in your teeth.
That corn is my teeth.
For that, you die.
You fool.
I was taught to fight
by the greatest teachers
in the finest schools in Europe.
Oh, yeah?
I was taught how
to fight in the street.
[GRUNTS] [CRIES OUT]
[CHUCKLES]
And Princess Scarlet
lived happily ever after.
He, on the other hand, was
not interesting ever again.
Get up, honey. Now, go to bed.
Good boy. Go on.
Take me, Captain Courage!
AL: Who?
Why?
Ahh! Peg, no!
[♪♪♪]