Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 7, Episode 12 - Christmas - full transcript
In the company of his peers at a bar with other Santas, mall Santa Al recalls Christmases past when he managed to avoid getting gifts to Peggy, Kelly, and Bud by turning them against each other (shown in a pseudo flashback to 1974). But this year the family shows a united front when they give Al his present, the jobs he has to work to get the money he needs to buy presents for Peggy and the kids. One job for Al is playing Santa Claus at the mall where Marcy and Jefferson get another opportunity to taunt and browbeat Al.
[♪♪♪]
[INAUDIBLE SPEECH]
["JINGLE BELLS"
PLAYING OVER RADIO]
Yeah! All right!
♪ Jingle bells, jingle
bells Jingle all the way ♪
♪ Oh, what fun it
is To ride, hey ♪
♪ On a one horse
Open sleigh, hey ♪
Give me a Jack and a beer back.
All right, out of here.
Come on.
You know the rules.
The elf bar's right down
the street by the cop bar.
You Santas stink.
Next Santa that talks down to me
is gonna be "Ho, ho,
ho-ing" in soprano.
Hey, who left the
ornament on the floor?
[LAUGHS]
[GRUNTS]
[HIGH PITCHED VOICE] Wow.
He's a high little kicker, huh?
Hey, Bundy. Hey, Bundy.
[NORMAL VOICE]
Iskowitz. Gates. Braunstein.
How's it going over
at your mall, Bundy?
Well, I've been peed on,
spit on, snotted on,
drooled on and thrown up
on, and now it's Miller time.
Give me a beer.
[SIGHS]
Here's to the death
of Christmas forever.
[ALL GRUNT, SHOUT]
Who are they?
Street-corner charity Santas.
They think they're
better than us.
They're doing it
out of goodness.
If you do good for others,
you are repaid tenfold.
Why, you son of a... Hey.
Easy, big guy.
It's not your fault.
He goaded you.
Well, it's just this damn
Christmas has got me down.
Nobody cares what we want.
Anybody want me?
Well, I was gonna
go see Aladdin, but...
Now, there's a guy
with Christmas spirit.
You know, nothing makes you
feel like a kid again at Christmas
like opening a
two-pack of hooters.
I'm gonna have a great time
with the extra money I made.
I gotta buy gifts
for the family.
I used to have a foolproof
system for Christmas.
I invented it in 1974.
[CHILD'S VOICE] Hey,
look, is that Daddy?
No. He won't be anybody's daddy.
Okay, kids, Daddy will
be home any second
with our Christmas gifts.
He said if we were
good, we'd get gifts.
And we've been good.
As far as he knows.
[LAUGHS]
Now, little Bud, what
would you like for Christmas?
[BABY VOICE] Playboys,
hooters. Playboys, hooters.
[PEG CHUCKLES]
His first words.
How about you, Kelly?
Well, I want peroxide
and high heels
and a "Dy-no-mite
Jimmie JJ Walker" doll.
Playboys. Hooters.
Munchkin. Bed wetter.
Oh, now, now...
Honey, it's okay.
Those are the only
words he knows.
[NORMAL VOICE] Like hell.
Now, how about you, little Buck?
What would you
like for Christmas?
[BABY VOICE] I want
that little chuck wagon
to run through the house
and put food in my bowl.
Gee, I just sure hope Daddy
hasn't spent all our
Christmas money
on new brakes for the car.
AL: Look out. No
brakes. No brakes.
[CAR CRASHES]
ALL: Yay...
Daddy's home.
[IN UNISON] Presents.
Presents. Presents. Hooters.
Presents. Presents. Hooters.
BUD: Hooters.
Oh, good. Marriage has
yet shrunk me another inch.
There's not much
left to spare, honey.
This is the last year I'm
working in a shoe store.
A fat woman came
into the store today.
Wanted some shoes
for a Christmas party.
I told her to stand on her
hands, put a star on her butt
and go as the world's
largest, ugliest tree.
Then she has the nerve
to get mad at me
because she's fat.
Daddy?
What?
I forgot.
Oh, yeah. Daddy?
What?
I forgot again.
Don't say "what" next time.
Okay, pumpkin.
Okay.
Daddy?
Daddy?
Daddy?
What?
Now, you made me forget again.
Al, do you wanna see
our Christmas lists?
Oh, yeah... Christmas.
Well, you know, I don't
have much money, uh...
What with all that
damn dog eats.
But, uh, it is
Christmas, so, uh...
Have you been good?
Oh, yes, very good. Yes.
Mm-hm.
Well, that's too bad
because, uh, my
present money situation...
Well, I could probably get
some, you know, crummy gifts
or, uh, one of you could
get one really nice gift.
The kids really hate you.
They don't like you anymore.
The dog ate your
slippers. The kids hate you.
[CLICKS TONGUE]
It seems like none of
you have been very good.
Hooters?
Playboys.
Playboys?
Hooters.
[LAUGHS]
Nah, not this year.
Maybe next year.
If you're good.
Daddy?
What good is this gonna
do, you're just gonna forget.
No, I won't.
Daddy?
What?
It was perfect.
It worked every year,
until two weeks ago.
So every year that Daddy
has any money at all
he gets us to
turn on each other.
Then we don't get any presents.
So what are we
gonna say this year
when he tries to get us
to snitch on each other?
Bud was bad. Kelly was bad.
Nuh-uh. Let's tell on Mom. No.
Kids, please.
Come on. Now, kids...
Now it's happening again.
We're turning on
each other already.
That's why this
year I have a plan.
For the two weeks
before Christmas,
we are family.
And who's the enemy?
ALL: Daddy!
That's right.
Now, what do we
want for Christmas?
A CD player.
Toys.
A new watch.
Playboys, hooters.
Playboys, hooters.
AL: Look out. No
brakes. No brakes.
[CAR CRASHES]
ALL: Yay!
Daddy's home.
This is the last year I
work at the shoe store.
A fat woman came
in the store today
said she wanted some
shoes for a Christmas party.
I told her to stand on her
hands, put a star on her butt
and go as the world's
largest, ugliest tree.
Daddy, you told
us that one already.
It happened 18 years ago.
No, it didn't, it
happened today. I think.
Oh, my God.
I'm telling the same stories
over and over again like...
Like Shelley Winters
on The Tonight Show.
I've gotta get out of
the shoe business.
Yeah, Dad, uh, senile around
with someone who cares.
We got our
Christmas lists ready.
Oh, Christmas.
Well, you know, uh, I
don't have too much money.
Well, I could probably get a
bunch of crummy gifts for you
or one of you could
have one really nice gift.
Oh, a united Bundy front, eh?
Well, I've got bad news for you.
You can't outsmart
Daddy because I'm broke.
But rather than see
your disappointed faces
on Christmas morning,
Daddy will be at the nudie bar.
Now, uh...
Who wants to get old Dad a beer?
Honey, you gonna
have plenty of money
for gifts this Christmas.
We're gonna help you
out. We all got jobs.
You all got jobs?
Oh, man, you guys
are the greatest.
You got jobs? Well,
what kind of jobs
did you get for yourselves?
Oh, no. Not for us.
For you.
Let's tell him, kids.
Okay.
♪ Me-me-mee, ah-hah ♪
ALL: ♪ With twelve
days Till Christmas ♪
♪ Your family got for you ♪
♪ Twelve days fruit picking ♪
♪ Eleven, off-ramp selling ♪
♪ Ten, toilets cleaning ♪
♪ Nine, digging graves ♪
♪ Eight, snaking sewers ♪
♪ Seven, spearing rats ♪
♪ Six, training guard dogs ♪
ALL: ♪ Five, giving blood ♪
PEG: ♪ Four,
crash-test dummying ♪
♪ Three jobs roach killing ♪
♪ Two jobs dog catching ♪
ALL: ♪ And one job Santa-ing ♪
♪ At the mall ♪
ALL: Merry Christmas, Daddy.
Ho, ho, ho.
Ho, ho, ho.
Ho, ho, ho.
No, no, no.
[AL WHINING]
Get him off of me.
Get him off of me.
What's he want a
pony for anyway,
to put between
two slices of bread?
Next.
[MOANS]
Ho, ho, ho.
What do you want for
Christmas, little boy?
Well, I want an
end to pollution.
Let's start here.
[GRUNTS]
Always remember
that Santa hates you.
Yeah? What's he gonna do?
Make me a shoe salesman?
Next.
[GRUNTS]
What would you like
for Christmas, little girl?
A husband to
yell at and torture.
Well, I'm sure you'll get one.
[GRUNTS]
What would you
like for Christmas?
A cure for the measles.
Next.
Hi, Santa.
[SNIFFS]
Did one of your
reindeer make a no-no?
I'm sorry. That must be the
Ghost of Foot Fungus Past.
Ho, ho, ho.
You don't have to tell Santa
what you want for Christmas.
You want a pair of breasts.
Just like a grown-up woman.
But Santa says, "Be
happy with what you've got.
The body of a young boy."
[CHUCKLES]
Here, little girl,
have a candy cane.
You giving out replicas now, Al?
Well, in that case...
Marcy?
Oh...
I'm sorry, young fella.
[LAUGHS]
Marcy?
Oh...
Sorry. Thought you were my wife.
Uh, excuse me, son.
Hey, Marcy.
Look, I've been
looking all over for you.
I found a store that carries
that pump-up bra you wanted.
Now you can pump them
up to be any size you want
and you won't have to
take Al's insults any more.
And the only one who will
know they're not real is you.
And me.
And me.
Hey...
Look, Marcy, it's Al.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, God. I'm glad I
didn't say anything
that would embarrass me.
Oh, hey. I won't say nothing.
But if I were you, I'd
build her arms up first
because from what I can see
she needs to do a lot of pumping.
[CHUCKLES]
Hey, move the little boy.
Yeah, we're waiting.
Hey, kids. Santa
gives us so much
what say we give
him something back?
ALL: Yeah!
And a-one, and a-two, and:
ALL: ♪ Bundy the no man ♪
♪ He's as bald as he can be ♪
♪ With hair in his nose
And rot on his toes ♪
♪ He's as bald as he can be ♪
Just the boys.
BOYS: ♪ Bundy the
no man ♪ Just the girls.
GIRLS: ♪ He's as
bald as he can be ♪
Everyone. ALL: ♪
He's entered old age ♪
♪ Making minimum wage
He's as bald as he can be ♪
And around.
♪ Bundy the no man ♪
♪ Bundy the no man ♪
♪ Bundy the no man ♪
♪ Bundy the no man ♪
♪ Bundy the no man ♪
♪ Bundy the no man ♪
So I did the 12 jobs in 12 days.
The worst was the
crummy Santa gig.
I had so many knees
and elbows in my groin,
I thought I was in
bed with the wife.
So you better give me one
more for the road and then I'm...
I'm off to buy presents.
Well, I'd get you
for my son, Bud,
but, uh, he wouldn't
know what to do with you.
"Bud."
"Peg."
"Seven."
"Kelly."
Ah, now, Buck, boy...
I forgot all about you.
Ah, but you're just
a dumb little dog.
You probably don't
even know it's Christmas.
That's okay.
I have a little
something for you.
It's called pee,
and it'll be waiting
in your slippers.
Yes, sirree, boy.
It's gonna be one
fine Christmas.
I told you I smelled Daddy.
Presents, you guys,
we got presents.
Presents! Presents!
Look. Look. Look.
It's me. Kelly.
It's me.
Oh, Al. You got me the
watch I always wanted.
Daddy, a CD player,
and my first CD.
"Herman's Hermits."
"I Am Henry the V-I-I-I One Am."
Uh, Kel, that's, "I'm
Henry VIII, I Am."
Now, how could
you possibly get that
from that bunch of letters?
Oh, Dad...
A "Build Your Own Hooters" kit.
With the lifelike plastic.
"Build 'em, look at 'em,
"feel 'em, trade 'em
with your friends.
Or put 'em on and
just scare your mother."
God, did I need these.
Look, Mom. Hooters! Hooters!
Yes, they're very
cute, dear. Here.
All right. Now, who's the
best daddy in the world?
ALL: Daddy!
Then it was all worth it.
AL: It was all worth it.
It was all worth it.
Wake up, buddy.
It's closing time.
Oh. Oh, I was dreaming.
I gave my son breasts.
That's a very cool dream, sir.
Well, uh...
Uh, h... How much I owe you?
Nothing. You already paid.
For everybody. Heh.
You were unconscious,
but I felt you wanted to pay.
You being Santa and all.
[LAUGHS]
[LAUGHS]
And now, uh, "Ray,"
can we talk?
Where's Daddy with our presents?
AL: Look out. No
brakes. No brakes.
[CAR CRASHES]
ALL: Yay!
You know, he hit pretty hard.
I hope nothing
happened to our presents.
Ho, ho, ho, ho. Ho, ho, ho, ho.
Oh, presents.
Presents?
Presents.
Oh, here's Santa
with your presents.
Let's see, now. What do
we got here? Bud. Son.
This is for you.
Wow.
"Ray's Bar"?
Uh, yeah... Just
take it and go away.
Now, let's see. Seven.
Here. Your very
first beer steins.
Wow, much cooler than a bike.
All right. Now, pumpkin.
Is this for me? Is this for me?
What do we have in here for you?
Here you are, sweetie pie.
Now, there you go.
Now, sweetheart, you never
have to learn how to read.
Wow.
Even comes with
its own wall. Cool.
Best of all, it's a Ray's.
Ah, now, Buck, boy,
I forgot about you.
But you're just a dumb dog.
You probably don't
even know it's Christmas.
BUCK: And you don't
know about the dead bird
I left in your jacket.
Peg.
Try as I might, I
couldn't forget about you.
Oh, Al...
I can't believe it. Heh.
But, honey, it says "Ray."
Well, sure, honey. That's
because you're my little, uh,
ray of sunshine.
[GIGGLES]
Oh, Al.
Oh... Oh, Ray.
[♪♪♪]
[INAUDIBLE SPEECH]
["JINGLE BELLS"
PLAYING OVER RADIO]
Yeah! All right!
♪ Jingle bells, jingle
bells Jingle all the way ♪
♪ Oh, what fun it
is To ride, hey ♪
♪ On a one horse
Open sleigh, hey ♪
Give me a Jack and a beer back.
All right, out of here.
Come on.
You know the rules.
The elf bar's right down
the street by the cop bar.
You Santas stink.
Next Santa that talks down to me
is gonna be "Ho, ho,
ho-ing" in soprano.
Hey, who left the
ornament on the floor?
[LAUGHS]
[GRUNTS]
[HIGH PITCHED VOICE] Wow.
He's a high little kicker, huh?
Hey, Bundy. Hey, Bundy.
[NORMAL VOICE]
Iskowitz. Gates. Braunstein.
How's it going over
at your mall, Bundy?
Well, I've been peed on,
spit on, snotted on,
drooled on and thrown up
on, and now it's Miller time.
Give me a beer.
[SIGHS]
Here's to the death
of Christmas forever.
[ALL GRUNT, SHOUT]
Who are they?
Street-corner charity Santas.
They think they're
better than us.
They're doing it
out of goodness.
If you do good for others,
you are repaid tenfold.
Why, you son of a... Hey.
Easy, big guy.
It's not your fault.
He goaded you.
Well, it's just this damn
Christmas has got me down.
Nobody cares what we want.
Anybody want me?
Well, I was gonna
go see Aladdin, but...
Now, there's a guy
with Christmas spirit.
You know, nothing makes you
feel like a kid again at Christmas
like opening a
two-pack of hooters.
I'm gonna have a great time
with the extra money I made.
I gotta buy gifts
for the family.
I used to have a foolproof
system for Christmas.
I invented it in 1974.
[CHILD'S VOICE] Hey,
look, is that Daddy?
No. He won't be anybody's daddy.
Okay, kids, Daddy will
be home any second
with our Christmas gifts.
He said if we were
good, we'd get gifts.
And we've been good.
As far as he knows.
[LAUGHS]
Now, little Bud, what
would you like for Christmas?
[BABY VOICE] Playboys,
hooters. Playboys, hooters.
[PEG CHUCKLES]
His first words.
How about you, Kelly?
Well, I want peroxide
and high heels
and a "Dy-no-mite
Jimmie JJ Walker" doll.
Playboys. Hooters.
Munchkin. Bed wetter.
Oh, now, now...
Honey, it's okay.
Those are the only
words he knows.
[NORMAL VOICE] Like hell.
Now, how about you, little Buck?
What would you
like for Christmas?
[BABY VOICE] I want
that little chuck wagon
to run through the house
and put food in my bowl.
Gee, I just sure hope Daddy
hasn't spent all our
Christmas money
on new brakes for the car.
AL: Look out. No
brakes. No brakes.
[CAR CRASHES]
ALL: Yay...
Daddy's home.
[IN UNISON] Presents.
Presents. Presents. Hooters.
Presents. Presents. Hooters.
BUD: Hooters.
Oh, good. Marriage has
yet shrunk me another inch.
There's not much
left to spare, honey.
This is the last year I'm
working in a shoe store.
A fat woman came
into the store today.
Wanted some shoes
for a Christmas party.
I told her to stand on her
hands, put a star on her butt
and go as the world's
largest, ugliest tree.
Then she has the nerve
to get mad at me
because she's fat.
Daddy?
What?
I forgot.
Oh, yeah. Daddy?
What?
I forgot again.
Don't say "what" next time.
Okay, pumpkin.
Okay.
Daddy?
Daddy?
Daddy?
What?
Now, you made me forget again.
Al, do you wanna see
our Christmas lists?
Oh, yeah... Christmas.
Well, you know, I don't
have much money, uh...
What with all that
damn dog eats.
But, uh, it is
Christmas, so, uh...
Have you been good?
Oh, yes, very good. Yes.
Mm-hm.
Well, that's too bad
because, uh, my
present money situation...
Well, I could probably get
some, you know, crummy gifts
or, uh, one of you could
get one really nice gift.
The kids really hate you.
They don't like you anymore.
The dog ate your
slippers. The kids hate you.
[CLICKS TONGUE]
It seems like none of
you have been very good.
Hooters?
Playboys.
Playboys?
Hooters.
[LAUGHS]
Nah, not this year.
Maybe next year.
If you're good.
Daddy?
What good is this gonna
do, you're just gonna forget.
No, I won't.
Daddy?
What?
It was perfect.
It worked every year,
until two weeks ago.
So every year that Daddy
has any money at all
he gets us to
turn on each other.
Then we don't get any presents.
So what are we
gonna say this year
when he tries to get us
to snitch on each other?
Bud was bad. Kelly was bad.
Nuh-uh. Let's tell on Mom. No.
Kids, please.
Come on. Now, kids...
Now it's happening again.
We're turning on
each other already.
That's why this
year I have a plan.
For the two weeks
before Christmas,
we are family.
And who's the enemy?
ALL: Daddy!
That's right.
Now, what do we
want for Christmas?
A CD player.
Toys.
A new watch.
Playboys, hooters.
Playboys, hooters.
AL: Look out. No
brakes. No brakes.
[CAR CRASHES]
ALL: Yay!
Daddy's home.
This is the last year I
work at the shoe store.
A fat woman came
in the store today
said she wanted some
shoes for a Christmas party.
I told her to stand on her
hands, put a star on her butt
and go as the world's
largest, ugliest tree.
Daddy, you told
us that one already.
It happened 18 years ago.
No, it didn't, it
happened today. I think.
Oh, my God.
I'm telling the same stories
over and over again like...
Like Shelley Winters
on The Tonight Show.
I've gotta get out of
the shoe business.
Yeah, Dad, uh, senile around
with someone who cares.
We got our
Christmas lists ready.
Oh, Christmas.
Well, you know, uh, I
don't have too much money.
Well, I could probably get a
bunch of crummy gifts for you
or one of you could
have one really nice gift.
Oh, a united Bundy front, eh?
Well, I've got bad news for you.
You can't outsmart
Daddy because I'm broke.
But rather than see
your disappointed faces
on Christmas morning,
Daddy will be at the nudie bar.
Now, uh...
Who wants to get old Dad a beer?
Honey, you gonna
have plenty of money
for gifts this Christmas.
We're gonna help you
out. We all got jobs.
You all got jobs?
Oh, man, you guys
are the greatest.
You got jobs? Well,
what kind of jobs
did you get for yourselves?
Oh, no. Not for us.
For you.
Let's tell him, kids.
Okay.
♪ Me-me-mee, ah-hah ♪
ALL: ♪ With twelve
days Till Christmas ♪
♪ Your family got for you ♪
♪ Twelve days fruit picking ♪
♪ Eleven, off-ramp selling ♪
♪ Ten, toilets cleaning ♪
♪ Nine, digging graves ♪
♪ Eight, snaking sewers ♪
♪ Seven, spearing rats ♪
♪ Six, training guard dogs ♪
ALL: ♪ Five, giving blood ♪
PEG: ♪ Four,
crash-test dummying ♪
♪ Three jobs roach killing ♪
♪ Two jobs dog catching ♪
ALL: ♪ And one job Santa-ing ♪
♪ At the mall ♪
ALL: Merry Christmas, Daddy.
Ho, ho, ho.
Ho, ho, ho.
Ho, ho, ho.
No, no, no.
[AL WHINING]
Get him off of me.
Get him off of me.
What's he want a
pony for anyway,
to put between
two slices of bread?
Next.
[MOANS]
Ho, ho, ho.
What do you want for
Christmas, little boy?
Well, I want an
end to pollution.
Let's start here.
[GRUNTS]
Always remember
that Santa hates you.
Yeah? What's he gonna do?
Make me a shoe salesman?
Next.
[GRUNTS]
What would you like
for Christmas, little girl?
A husband to
yell at and torture.
Well, I'm sure you'll get one.
[GRUNTS]
What would you
like for Christmas?
A cure for the measles.
Next.
Hi, Santa.
[SNIFFS]
Did one of your
reindeer make a no-no?
I'm sorry. That must be the
Ghost of Foot Fungus Past.
Ho, ho, ho.
You don't have to tell Santa
what you want for Christmas.
You want a pair of breasts.
Just like a grown-up woman.
But Santa says, "Be
happy with what you've got.
The body of a young boy."
[CHUCKLES]
Here, little girl,
have a candy cane.
You giving out replicas now, Al?
Well, in that case...
Marcy?
Oh...
I'm sorry, young fella.
[LAUGHS]
Marcy?
Oh...
Sorry. Thought you were my wife.
Uh, excuse me, son.
Hey, Marcy.
Look, I've been
looking all over for you.
I found a store that carries
that pump-up bra you wanted.
Now you can pump them
up to be any size you want
and you won't have to
take Al's insults any more.
And the only one who will
know they're not real is you.
And me.
And me.
Hey...
Look, Marcy, it's Al.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, God. I'm glad I
didn't say anything
that would embarrass me.
Oh, hey. I won't say nothing.
But if I were you, I'd
build her arms up first
because from what I can see
she needs to do a lot of pumping.
[CHUCKLES]
Hey, move the little boy.
Yeah, we're waiting.
Hey, kids. Santa
gives us so much
what say we give
him something back?
ALL: Yeah!
And a-one, and a-two, and:
ALL: ♪ Bundy the no man ♪
♪ He's as bald as he can be ♪
♪ With hair in his nose
And rot on his toes ♪
♪ He's as bald as he can be ♪
Just the boys.
BOYS: ♪ Bundy the
no man ♪ Just the girls.
GIRLS: ♪ He's as
bald as he can be ♪
Everyone. ALL: ♪
He's entered old age ♪
♪ Making minimum wage
He's as bald as he can be ♪
And around.
♪ Bundy the no man ♪
♪ Bundy the no man ♪
♪ Bundy the no man ♪
♪ Bundy the no man ♪
♪ Bundy the no man ♪
♪ Bundy the no man ♪
So I did the 12 jobs in 12 days.
The worst was the
crummy Santa gig.
I had so many knees
and elbows in my groin,
I thought I was in
bed with the wife.
So you better give me one
more for the road and then I'm...
I'm off to buy presents.
Well, I'd get you
for my son, Bud,
but, uh, he wouldn't
know what to do with you.
"Bud."
"Peg."
"Seven."
"Kelly."
Ah, now, Buck, boy...
I forgot all about you.
Ah, but you're just
a dumb little dog.
You probably don't
even know it's Christmas.
That's okay.
I have a little
something for you.
It's called pee,
and it'll be waiting
in your slippers.
Yes, sirree, boy.
It's gonna be one
fine Christmas.
I told you I smelled Daddy.
Presents, you guys,
we got presents.
Presents! Presents!
Look. Look. Look.
It's me. Kelly.
It's me.
Oh, Al. You got me the
watch I always wanted.
Daddy, a CD player,
and my first CD.
"Herman's Hermits."
"I Am Henry the V-I-I-I One Am."
Uh, Kel, that's, "I'm
Henry VIII, I Am."
Now, how could
you possibly get that
from that bunch of letters?
Oh, Dad...
A "Build Your Own Hooters" kit.
With the lifelike plastic.
"Build 'em, look at 'em,
"feel 'em, trade 'em
with your friends.
Or put 'em on and
just scare your mother."
God, did I need these.
Look, Mom. Hooters! Hooters!
Yes, they're very
cute, dear. Here.
All right. Now, who's the
best daddy in the world?
ALL: Daddy!
Then it was all worth it.
AL: It was all worth it.
It was all worth it.
Wake up, buddy.
It's closing time.
Oh. Oh, I was dreaming.
I gave my son breasts.
That's a very cool dream, sir.
Well, uh...
Uh, h... How much I owe you?
Nothing. You already paid.
For everybody. Heh.
You were unconscious,
but I felt you wanted to pay.
You being Santa and all.
[LAUGHS]
[LAUGHS]
And now, uh, "Ray,"
can we talk?
Where's Daddy with our presents?
AL: Look out. No
brakes. No brakes.
[CAR CRASHES]
ALL: Yay!
You know, he hit pretty hard.
I hope nothing
happened to our presents.
Ho, ho, ho, ho. Ho, ho, ho, ho.
Oh, presents.
Presents?
Presents.
Oh, here's Santa
with your presents.
Let's see, now. What do
we got here? Bud. Son.
This is for you.
Wow.
"Ray's Bar"?
Uh, yeah... Just
take it and go away.
Now, let's see. Seven.
Here. Your very
first beer steins.
Wow, much cooler than a bike.
All right. Now, pumpkin.
Is this for me? Is this for me?
What do we have in here for you?
Here you are, sweetie pie.
Now, there you go.
Now, sweetheart, you never
have to learn how to read.
Wow.
Even comes with
its own wall. Cool.
Best of all, it's a Ray's.
Ah, now, Buck, boy,
I forgot about you.
But you're just a dumb dog.
You probably don't
even know it's Christmas.
BUCK: And you don't
know about the dead bird
I left in your jacket.
Peg.
Try as I might, I
couldn't forget about you.
Oh, Al...
I can't believe it. Heh.
But, honey, it says "Ray."
Well, sure, honey. That's
because you're my little, uh,
ray of sunshine.
[GIGGLES]
Oh, Al.
Oh... Oh, Ray.
[♪♪♪]