Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 7, Episode 11 - The Old College Try - full transcript

She has no idea
what she does to us.

She's the hottest babe
at this, or any, bank.

Oops. I seem to have
a run in my stocking.

That's right, want me.

Dream on, teller boys.

If that's for me, baby,
put a little gravy on it

and I'll take it home,

'cause it looks
finger-licking good.

This is a bank, Bud...

not a sex shop.

So besides saving you the
cost of renting Basic Instinct...



what can I do for you?

Well, other than saving
you the cost of renting, uh,

Lethal Weapon...

you can cash this.

Twenty-five thousand dollars?

What could you possibly do
that would be worth $25,000?

What's that on your chin?

Have some of the stronger boys

been rubbing your
face in the dirt again?

It's called a beard.

Surely you've seen
one before in the mirror.

Anyhow, it's, uh, part of
my new Ivy League image.

That check is a grant from
the Ridenaur Foundation.

I'm going all the way,
all expenses paid,



to Tremaine University.

So because you've
been a good girl,

I'll give you one
final butt flex...

and you can cash that.

And, uh, make it snappy.

I've got checks to write.

Well, I'm afraid
it's not that easy.

You see, there are certain
channels we must go through.

First we must process the check,

then there's a
waiting period, and...

Hey, baby.

Ah, just got done with
my hair appointment.

Feel it, baby, feel it.

Ooh. Yeah.

Hey, Bud. High-five me, buddy.

Oh, wait. Nails aren't dry yet.

Air high-five.

Oh... y-you got a
little dirt on your chin.

Look, babe, I don't
have a lot of time.

I've only got about 20
minutes till my massage.

So should we, uh,
pop into the vault

and do the deed on
the deeds, if you will?

Uh, Mrs. D'Arcy,

before you perform
geriatric love gymnastics

I'd like to talk to you
about clearing my check.

Mm, all this business talk is
making me lose my edge, baby.

It's cleared. Here.

Here's a checkbook.
Here's a pen.

That's still not a
beard. Goodbye.

Hey, baby.

Wanna go to lunch?

Did someone rub
your face in the dirt?

It's a beard.

You like the way it goes
with my, uh, checkbook?

Oh, sexy.

Yeah, and I love
you for your mind.

Let's go.

I'm sorry, sir,

but you can visit your
wife's ashes in 20 minutes.

Why don't you just keep
her under the mattress

like normal people?

They won't let me see my wife.

Well, take a look at mine,
that ought to cure you.

You know, Peg,
I feel good. I do.

'Cause I promised Bud
I'd keep putting money

into his college fund
and I'm keeping my word.

I'd like to deposit
this, thank you.

Are you depositing
the entire quarter?

Do I look Japanese?

I want 5 cents back, please.

And, uh, give it to me in ones.

You see, it's allowance day,
and we are a family of five.

You know, honey, I
am so proud of you.

We opened this account
when Bud was a baby

and now 20 years
later, with one deposit,

you're doubling it.

Here's your receipt
and your cash.

Would you like a bank
guard to escort us to the car?

Nah, we tip him
and the valet guy,

we walk out of
here with 3 cents.

Hey.

"Twenty-five thousand
dollars and 50 cents"?

Boy, that compound
interest really mounts up.

Wait a minute, Al.
Don't you get it?

The bank has made
a mistake in our favor.

Shut up. Now, just look normal.

All right, we have got to
make a withdrawal right away

before they find out
about their mistake.

Uh, excuse me, please.

Uh, we'd like to make
a little withdrawal.

I wanna say the number.

I wanna say the number. Hush.

We would like to withdraw
25,000 dollars and 25 cents.

Yeah, and, uh, get
that 25 cents in pennies.

Not everybody can
change a nickel these days.

Oh.

Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.

Ain't life grand?

Daddy, what if the bank
finds out they made a mistake

and they want all
their money back?

That's why we
bought perishables.

They can get it back all right,

but do they really want it?

Yeah, who'd want
Daddy's tuxedo back

after it's been on his body?

Come and get it.

But what about our
shiny new appliances?

Hm. Well...

Not new anymore.

Now it's ours!

Now it's ours forever!

And so are you, pumpkin.

Gee, I wonder why Buck
would miss this meal.

What's going on here?

Park it, boy.

Come, my dear.

Gee, Bud, big news.

Not as big as mine.

Family, I'm moving out.

I'm going to Tremaine University
and I'm gonna live on campus.

I got a $25,000 grant.

Peg, this run of
luck is unbelievable.

He got $25,000 too.
What are the odds?

Uh, Al... No, not now, Peg.

No, my boy just got into a
bigtime college, and, uh...

Time for him and his
dad to have a little talk.

Personally, though, I never
wanted to talk to my dad.

Well, I'm not really like a dad,
more like a cool older friend.

You know, son, I know you're
always proud of your old man.

You bet, Dad.

Nice mashed-potato stain. Huh?

Mm.

Anyhow, son, now
I'm proud of you.

Well, you were never a
great athlete in high school.

God, it must have been
cold there in my shadow.

But then I thought it'd give
you more time for the chicks.

Then your
personality killed that.

Then you brought home
report cards with all A's.

I didn't say
anything at the time,

but then I was...

truly ashamed.

A boy getting all A's, you know.

Boy, did I hear about that from
the boys down at the barbershop.

But now, son, you're
going to a bigtime college.

And you're gonna get a
chance to do something

that I've only dreamed of.

Make business contacts?

No, who wants to hang out
with a bunch of smart little acned,

sexually-deprived A students,

wouldn't know a
breast from a football

'cause they never
touched either?

You know the type
I'm talking about, son.

Yeah.

Anyhow, the only reason I
ever wanted to go to college

was to experience
one good panty raid.

And now you're gonna
do that for me, son.

But, son, heed
your father's advice:

Stay away from the big panties.

You'll see enough of
those on the shower rod

after you're married.

Go for the little ones,
boy. Go for the little ones.

Because you don't want a
girl who wears big underpants.

Because a girl who
wears big underpants

has big stuff under her pants.

Thanks, Dad.

If it weren't for you,

I'd probably grab
the first pair I saw.

Probably would
have been a big one.

Well, folks, normally I'd ask
where all this stuff came from

but since I'm moving out tonight

let's just leave
that little secret

between you and
the sheriff's office.

I'm gonna go pack.

Oh, honey, wash your face.

You have some dirt on your chin.

It's a beard.

Never mind, I'll wash my chin.

The important thing
is, I feel like a grownup.

I wrote a check for a full
year's deposit on my dorm room

and I wrote a
check for my tuition.

I bought a new wardrobe
and a few things for my dorm.

Now I'm gonna take my checkbook
and go buy me a nice little car.

Guys...

this is the happiest
day of my life.

We're all proud of you, son!

I think we stole his money, Peg.

Now, we agreed we love Bud
too much to tell him what we did.

His checks are
bouncing all over town

and even if he
didn't see himself

on America's Most
Wanted, Kelly did.

So it's only a matter of time
before she realizes who he is

and calls the feds in on him.

Well, we just have to
convince him to quit school

and come home with us.

Shouldn't be too hard.

The poor guy's
probably homesick.

Longing for his mommy and daddy.

Who are you?

It's us.

Oh, yeah.

I'm sorry I didn't call.

Get used to it.

Come on in.

Jumping Jehoshaphat,
what a room.

Yeah. We can't
let you live like this.

Uh, you better come home with us

where at least you'll
have someone to talk to.

Hi, Bud.

Hi, girls. I'm sorry, I'm
not properly dressed.

Just give me one sec.

Oo-oo-oo!

Uh, Bud, are you gonna
introduce us to your little friends?

Nope, don't think I am.

What can I do for
you lovely ladies?

We just wanted to tell
you we'll be in the shower

right next door.

So no peeking, now.

Aw, your grandpa got lost.

We'll see you later,
you cute old man.

See that, Peg?
They think I'm cute.

Oh, yes.

Honey, they must think
you're that rapper, Ice Age.

And, Bud, why do you
have girls in your dorm room?

Just part of my
new lucky streak.

See, all the guys'
dorms were full

so they put me in
the women's dorm.

Luckily they knew I was
mature enough to handle it.

Excuse me one moment.

That's low, son.

It's too low, you'll be
looking at kneecaps.

Move it up, boy! Move it up!

Al, we are here to talk to Bud.

I am talking to Bud.

Come on, boy, make
a hole for Daddy.

Well, perhaps this,

as well as every other task
traditionally for the male,

is up to me.

What your father would say,

if his tongue wasn't
stuck in that peephole,

is that we think college is
too much pressure for you.

We believe that you
belong in the Army.

They'll pay you and prepare
you for a nice career driving tanks

or shining shoes.

Your father never went
to college and look at him.

Ah, she dropped the soap.

Pick it up, baby.

Oh! Got soap in my eye.
Peg! Peg, I got soap in my eye!

Well, perhaps your
father is a bad example.

Of everything.

Mom, Dad,

it's been more of a
thrill than you know.

Now, look, Bud,

if you should decide that
you wanna come home

or not necessarily
want to, but have to

just remember that
our door is always open.

I know you're in there!

Let me in!

Now aren't you glad I
made you change the locks?

It was genius, Peg.

By the way, when
do I get my key?

Open up! I want your hides!

We got the TV on
real loud in here

and we can't hear you.

Free pizza delivery.

That's your son, you idiot.

But, Peg, what if you're wrong?

All right, stand
back! I'm coming in!

Thanks, pal.

No problem.

But next time can we
start with the helmet on?

Hey, Bud,

what's shaking?

Come here. I think
we need to chat.

Uh, we're busy
over here now, Bud.

It's your mother
and I's quality time.

Come here now!

Funny thing
happened to me today.

I was in my dorm room studying
when a bunch of babes came in

and invited me to my
first college pajama party.

But not just any pajama party.

A bottoms-only pajama party.

Save your pathetic high-five.

Because just as I was about
to see some Midwestern,

corn-fed boobies...

I was dragged away
by the campus police.

It seems that every single check
I wrote to the college bounced.

Do you have anything to tell me?

Well... it was
your mother's idea.

It was your father's.
Your mother's!

Your father's. Your mother's!

It was your sister's.
It was the girl's.

So you see, Bud,

there's no reason
why we can't be friends.

Oh, come on, Bud.

We didn't mean to
do anything wrong.

We just thought we
were stealing from a bank.

Yeah, it was just one
of those madcap goofs

that don't hurt nobody.

Except you.

Yeah.

I'm still gonna go to
Tremaine University.

I'll just live at home and
work off my $25,000 debt.

The good news is,

after working for 40 or 50 years

everything I earn will be mine.

Just like your father.

You're a real male
Bundy now, son.

Aw, come on, Bud.

At least you're
getting an education.

You won't be stuck in
some low-paying waitress job

like your sister.

Two hundred, 300, 400...

Ugh, a one. Ew.

I am sure glad I didn't
waste my time in high school

learning the three "arfs."

You know, something,
something, and "arfrithmetic."

Well, I guess education
works for some people.

For instance, this
guy came into the diner

who just graduated
from your college

looking for a job as a busboy.

They said no.

We already had one from Harvard.

Gee, honey, I'm
really proud of you.

You're not getting any.

Well, you need somebody
to help you count it.

That's true.

You'll need to open
a bank account,

and I'll help you write checks.

Really? Yeah.

Now, the first thing
you need to know

is you need two
names on the account

of people that can write checks.

In case you forget your name.

Yeah.

I don't want the same
thing to happen to me

that happened to Bud.

Come on.

Yep.

You're down, aren't you, son?

Well, who could blame you?

What a catastrophe.

Yeah, there's no coming
back from this one.

It, uh...

It was your mother's
fault, by the way.

And even though
it wasn't my fault...

And always, always, please
remember it was your mother's.

I'm gonna make up for it.

I'm gonna make
sure, son, that you get

the real college experience.

Dad.

Big underpants.