Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 7, Episode 13 - Wedding Show - full transcript

Al.

Al.

I knew you'd come back.

They all come back.

You're poison, Al.

But you're my kind of poison.

I'm hip.

Pleasure me, baby.

Oh, Al.

Agh-ha! Peg!

How dare you wake
me up that way.



Who did you think
you were kissing?

You.

I want you to tell me the truth.

Oh, all right. I was
kissing my dream girl.

She was a magnificent
young beast

with a great body
and luscious hooters.

Oh, Al.

You do dream of me.

All too often.

Now, honey, you
might wanna freshen up.

We're going to your
cousin Jimmy's wedding.

All right, open up.

Oh. Missed a spot.

There you are. Now
you're all minty fresh.



Mm-mm.

No tartar under my arms.

Where's my suit?

Oh, God. Men never
know where anything is.

A woman always knows.

Get up, Buck.

Go on. Good boy.

Well, at least it doesn't smell
like you were wearing it. Heh.

Where's my dress shirt?

Where it always is, honey.
At the bottom of the hamper.

Let's see here.

All right. Okay.
Oh, there we go.

Here you are.

You know, I swear, if your head
wasn't attached to your body...

Yeah, Buck would
be sleeping on it.

This shirt needs
to be ironed, Peg.

I don't feel like ironing.

But it's a wedding, Peg.

Oh, all right.

Okay.

All right. I hope you're happy.

I'm exhausted. Now get dressed.

What for?

You're just gonna go in there

and make yourself
over for three hours

till you look exactly the
same way you do now.

Where's my socks?

Right here, sweetheart.

Here you go.

Peg, they don't match.

And look here, look at this.

All right, well, let's see.

There you go. Now they match.

Feels good to give something
special for a wedding.

Yeah. They're gonna love
this clock. It's an antique.

Have you seen our
antique cuckoo clock?

Do you have a warrant?

If my sister could
form a thought,

what she meant to say was,

we are sick and tired of
being accused of stealing

every time someone jimmies
open your back door with a crowbar

and takes a clock and
a pastrami sandwich.

Now, we demand an apology.

Yeah, and it wouldn't
hurt to have pickles

in your refrigerator either.

In other words, it wasn't us.

Well, you know, Marcy, we
really don't have any proof.

It's Petey!

See, I told you
they stole my clock.

Jefferson, they
must be punished.

Something cruel
and highly unpleasant.

How about you sit them down
and talk to them for a while.

That's something
they'll never forget.

So you don't like
our little talks?

Well, we're just gonna
have to talk about that.

Admit it, you
always hated Petey.

Now, why would I hate something

that pops out every
15 minutes screaming:

"Cuckoo, cuckoo."

Heh. Every hour,
every day, every week.

"Cuckoo, cuckoo."

It keeps me up half the night.

I've seen Dionne Warwick and
her damn Psychic Friends Network

a thousand times
because of that clock.

And look at my eyes.

Look at them. You know
how many cucumbers it takes

to keep the puffing
and the swelling down?

Well, I do.

So last spring,

Petey didn't really just fall
into the toilet bowl, did he?

I hated that clock.

Yes, I tried to kill him!

I wanted him out of my life,
along with y-your Elvis plates,

and your whips and your
paddles, and your big...

Okay, honey.

I don't think that's
appropriate talk

to have in front
of the little thieves.

Where are your parents?

Peg, leave it alone.

It happens to be mine.

But it just hangs lifelessly.

Let me fiddle with
it. I'll straighten it out.

For God's sake, Peg,
you're gonna pull it off!

Now it's too long.

Most women like it that way.

I don't care what women like.
I'm the one gotta lug it around.

How can these children
possibly know right from wrong?

They need a strong
male figure in their life.

What are you gonna do, Marcy,

move in? Hee-hee-hee.

What exactly do
you mean by that?

Do you think I'm bossy?

'Cause I don't think I'm
bossy. Not bossy at all, missy.

Or are you calling me masculine?

'Cause I'm not
masculine. I'm feminine!

And my softness is
out there for all to see.

Now, if you don't want a
hook to the liver, little man,

you'll pick up that clock
and march on home!

It's kind of heavy, Marcy.

Just get the door.

I can lift it. Yeah, and
I'll be able to lift it tonight,

when it comes time to
dump old Petey in the toilet.

Hey, Petey, surf's up.

Which shoes do you like better?

I don't care.

Which shoes do you like better?

I don't care.

Come on, Al. I'm your wife.

I'm a reflection of you, and
I wanna look good for you.

Besides, you are a
shoe professional,

and I'd like your opinion.

Well, given the
color of your hair,

the color of your dress,
the time of the day,

and the nature of the event,

it is my professional
opinion that, uh...

Like the gold.

Fine. Then I'll wear the black.

Now, hook me up.

You know, why is it
that women buy clothing

that fastens in the back so
they need help to get dressed?

I mean, you don't hear men
in the locker room saying,

"Hey, Fred, give me a
hand with this zipper."

Yeah, they're just saying,
"Hey, Fred, smell this.

I don't need a shower, do I?"

So how do I look?

You look nice.

Then I have to change.

I was only kidding you,
Peg. You look terrible.

I'm embarrassed
to be seen with you.

Come on, Peg, let's go.

Listen, Kel, I need some help.

There's gonna be
some girls at the wedding

and, uh, I'm planning
on buttering one up.

Now, what do you think
would be my best pickup line?

All right. How about this:

"Hey, miss, I'm the Keebler elf.

"Would you like
some free cookies?

If you've got the time,
I've got the hollow tree."

Yeah, uh, maybe I
asked the wrong person.

You're used to
responding to, "Yo, here."

Oh, okay, you little
gibbon. How about this?

You see a girl, but
before she sees you,

stand on her feet
so she can't run.

Then you say to her,

"You are the most beautiful
girl I have ever seen.

"And I'd love to share a
night of incredible sex with you.

"No names, no
questions, no regrets.

Come be one with me."

You really think
that's better than:

"Let's do it. I have my own
bedroom in my parents' house"?

Hi. Hi. Hi.

You guys look great.
That dress looks so pretty.

So do you.

The three of us are gonna
make one beautiful bridesmaid.

Hey, wait, are we
in different colors?

Well, you'd know.
You're the smart one.

Let's color-coordinate.

Okay.

Who's he?

I don't know. From up
here he looks like an ant.

Hi.

Where did Corky and Heidi go?

Uh, one of them had an idea,

and the others are
crowning her queen.

Well, they were supposed
to come right back out.

I'm driving them to the church.

See anything you like?

Indeed I do.

I think you're the most
beautiful girl I've ever seen.

I'd like to share a night
of incredible sex with you.

No names, no
questions, no regrets.

Come be one with me.

What? I'm sorry,
I didn't hear you.

I was distracted by the pain.

You're standing on my foot.

Did anyone ever tell you

how much you look
like the Keebler elf?

Well, you wanna come upstairs

and see how cookies
are really made?

What am I saying?
Of course you wouldn't.

Let's go upstairs and bake.

You should come too.

Now, thanks to me, we match.

I think we made
an excellent choice.

Nothing says
"bridesmaid" or "easy"

like short, black leather.

Hey, Janie's not in the car.

We can't wait. We'll
be late for the wedding.

Relax. They can't
start it without her.

She's the bride.

Well, she couldn't
have gone anywhere.

Her car's still outside.

I just called Information.
They are morons.

They didn't even know that
Janie was getting married.

They didn't know anything.
They didn't even know who I was.

God, they should call
themselves Stupid-nation.

Well, where could she be?

She's in here with the time
lady and the weather guy

and that jerk who just
goes "beep-beep-beep"

when you leave the
phone off the hook.

Sometimes I wish I
could yell real loud

so I wouldn't need
a phone at all.

Uh, Kel, I was
talking about Janie.

God, what could a bride be
doing before her wedding?

Hi, guys.

Uh, Bud was just showing
me around your house.

Wow, cool outfits.

Nothing says
"bridesmaid" or "easy"

like short, black leather.

Well, come on.
Let's get me married.

Aren't you nervous?

Not anymore. I'm
loose as a noodle.

Bud?

Ah.

What did you do?

A gentleman never tells.

I had sex.

With a girl.

And I did it good.

Oh, my God.

That's what she said.

Twice.

What? Once when
you got undressed

and again when you put
on your bunny slippers?

Save your barbs for
someone who's not getting any.

Like Mom.

Ah. I feel good. Yep, I do.

Talk all you want.
Nothing can bring me down.

You just had sex with
your cousin Jimmy's bride.

Well, that did it.

God, I look great.

I am so glad I'm not
one of those women

who needs a lot of makeup. Heh.

Oh, please.

Only Tammy Faye, Zsa
Zsa and Bozo use more.

Oh, come on, Al.
Admit it. I look great.

Hey, I'd look great
too if I used makeup.

You know, I'd be one
dynamite-looking babe.

In a masculine way.

I could highlight my eyes.
They're my best quality.

Baby blue.

Like Sinatra, Newman, the sea.

Well, maybe my
second-best quality.

'Cause I'm known
for my killer butt.

Oh, yeah. It's very nice, honey,

and has more hair
on it than your head.

That's 'cause my butt
doesn't wake up in the morning

looking at you.

That's not your butt?

Oh, God, we have
so much fun together,

especially when we're
belittling you. Heh-heh.

But you know, I really do...

I think I look as good as I
did the day we got married.

Well, that's your opinion.
You take the calls.

Now, come on, Grumpy.

You know you love me.

Go on. Say it.

I don't want to.

Come on, Al.

I love beer. I love bowling.

I don't wanna cheapen
the meaning of the word.

All right, then. Don't say it.

Just kiss me,

and make it a good one.

I'd almost kind
of rather say it.

Oh, all right.

Oh, Al.

Now you've ruined my makeup.

Oh, I'll have to start all over.

I never thought
you'd really kiss me.

God, what an idiot.

Oh, oh, Peg...

Oh, my God.

I can't go to the wedding.

I must never ever
see Janie again.

Although the poor
girl might kill herself

when she finds out she
can never touch this again.

I mean, I know I would if
I couldn't touch me again.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Boy, that really is safe sex.

Bud, there's something
I have to tell you.

I think what we did
might have been wrong.

You know, with
the wedding and all.

Look, I made a mistake.

I don't know how I
could have done this.

Don't blame yourself.

Blame God for
giving me this body.

No, it was my fault.

I just... I wanted a
final fling with someone

I could never be
interested in or attracted to.

And you were perfect.

Thanks, baby.

I knew it was perfect.

But you're right. It can
never happen again.

For Jimmy's sake.

And ours. Since we both know
he's a psychopathic ex-con.

Ten years for attempted
murder. I heard he did a drive-by.

Well, I gotta go now.

Good luck.

I knew you'd come back.

They always come back.

But they don't always
bring their sisters.

Al.

Oh! You again.

Come on, honey. Let's go.

And they say women
are the slow ones.

You know, this is
an historical first.

We are actually in the bedroom,

and I am waiting
for you to finish.

Peg, if I need the
time, I will take the time

because I care
about what I look like.

I'm ready.

Honey, do you ever
think what it would be like

if we never got married?

Actually, I was thinking
that right now, Peg.

Seriously, Al.

Seriously, Peg.

Oh, come on.

Your life would be hell
without me, and you know it.

You couldn't find
anyone better than me.

Come on, admit it.
I'm your perfect mate.

Admit it.

No.

All right, then.

Why don't you give me a picture

of what your ideal
mate would be.

Fine.

A magnificent young girl

with a beautiful
face, slim thighs,

and a firm apple of a heinie,

and a set of delicious,
scrumptious hooters.

Oh, Al, it's me!

Oh, honey, you
would marry me again.

No.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

What a beautiful bride.

Looks like we'll have a
little time before the wedding.

Good. I didn't like
this dress anyhow.