Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 6, Episode 16 - Rites of Passage - full transcript

Yo, Roxanne,

Grandmaster B here.

That's with a big G, a
big B and a real big...

Well...

You'll just have to come
over and see for yourself.

Wait... Wait, don't hang up.

Come on, it's my 18th birthday.

Maybe we could go
out and get a soda.

No, huh?

Well, then, I guess a
non-binding sexual thing

will be out of the question?



Hello?

Eighteen years.

Eighteen years of loneliness.

Total, desolate, stark,
raving loneliness.

Wow.

Well, happy birthday anyhow.

Thank you.

Oh, cheer up, Butt-wagger B.

I got you a very
special present.

Not this time,
One-Size-Fits-All.

I'm not falling for that again.

Every year you say
you got me a present,

I get all excited,

and it turns out to
be something stupid



like Clearasil in
a drum... the book

If You're Lonely and You Know
It, Let's Make Hand Shadows,

and my favorite, the
poster of the Village People

with my picture over
the face of the cowboy.

Well, forget it.

I'm 18 now, and I will
not be fooled again.

Oh, come on, now. I got
you a good one this time.

Really? Yes.

Give me. Give me.

Oh, man. Oh, man.

Oh, wow, a tape
recorder, for me?

Oh, get serious. That's mine.

I made a message for
your answering machine.

Hello, this is Bud Bundy,

also known as
Grandmaster Virgin.

You must have dialed
the wrong number,

because no one ever
calls me on purpose.

But if you leave your
name and number,

I'll call you back
as soon as I finish

putting the negligee on my dog.

Please hold.

Please.

I know it's a little
long, but then again,

we don't need much
room for messages, do we?

Gee, smart, funny,

and she'll give you back
change for your dollar.

Listen, Kel, if you really wanna
get me a present this year,

just forget it's my birthday.

That's all I want, for
everybody to forget my birthday.

Oh, there he is.

My little, little birthday man.

Come on, give
Mommy a birthday hug.

Oh. Look at you.

Sixteen and already
a heartbreaker.

You're confused, Mom. He's 18.

It's his pimples that are 16.

That's it. I'm get... Come
on, I got some for you.

Huh?! Huh?! Oh, now, kids,

remember the rules.

No fighting.

Makes all the dust rise up.

Anyway, Bud, this calls
for a big celebration.

So, what...? Mom,
I really don't want

another birthday party.

All I want is this
girl, Roxanne.

Then that's what
you're gonna get.

Uh, is Roxanne
Barbie's new friend?

No. Roxanne's a real girl.

Oh.

What happened
to that nice 976-girl

he had a crush on?

She won't take
his calls anymore.

Oh.

My poor baby.

Well, maybe this
will take the edge off.

We are throwing
you a nice party.

And guess what,

we're renting you a pony.

Ooh, Bud, you
better go out right now

and get yourself
a half-gallon hat.

Well, don't go just yet.

There's more.

Do you remember
your favorite TV show,

Sticky the Clown?

Mom, I haven't watched
Sticky since I was 12 years old.

Well, a lot's happened
to Sticky since then.

He's out on work release,

and they s... And they say

that he realizes that
what he did was bad.

Well, I chalked up some
more frequent loser miles today.

The Department of
Juvenile Corrections

bused some delinquents
over to the shoe store today

to show them why it's so
important to stay in school.

The guards made them watch
me work for over three hours

until even the
most hardened punk

was crying like a baby.

It's a new program
called "Scared Rich."

If only they'd had
a "scared single"

when I was a punk.

Anyway, I'm home.

Who's gonna be the last straw?

Al... What a shock.

Honey, it's Bud's 18th birthday.

Now, don't you think it's time
you had a little talk with him?

You know, without the
bathroom door in between you.

Well, what am I
supposed to talk about?

The accumulated
wisdom of your lifetime.

You know, like just how deep

does your finger
go into your ear.

Oh, and what do you
do when your bellybutton,

nose and rear end all
itch at the same time.

Don't make him learn
it in the streets, honey.

Come on, Kel.

Eighteen years old, eh?

Son,

there's so much that
I wanna say to you,

but there's a show
coming on I wanna watch.

Well, soon you'll be getting to
that age where you're thinking

about settling down
and raising a family.

That is, if you're a
woman. If you're a guy,

you might consider doin'
something for yourself instead.

Remember, a man
is a man all of his life,

and a woman is only sexy
till she becomes your wife.

I guess what I'm trying to
say is happy birthday, son.

Go away.

There he is.

The birthday boy.

Uh, you mean
birthday man, Marcie.

Uh, congratulations, Bud.

Oh, boy, I remember
when I was 18.

Girls all over the place, my
phone wouldn't stop ringing.

Boy, it must drive you crazy.

Bud, you are so lucky to
be 18 at this time in history.

Back when I turned 18,

all there was was
free love, free sex,

free Huey.

But you're much
luckier than we were,

because now, with
all the numerous

and disfiguring
diseases out there,

young men and women
really have a chance

to get to know one another.

To actually be friends,

and not merely
fornicating at will

like dogs

in unusual places

with people you barely know.

And in ways that even
today's bawdiest strumpet

could hardly imagine.

Oh, foxy lady,

comin' to get ya.

Yep, 18.

Driving my own car,
pad down by the beach,

checks coming in from my father.

I tell ya, it's the age to be.

So I hear you're getting
a pony and a clown.

You know, it's
not just any clown.

Sticky the clown.

Oh, he's out? Mm.

Bud, it's for you.

It's a girl.

Really?

She wants to take
you to a movie.

Well, how 'bout that, folks?

Looks like you can keep
your clowns and your parties

and your lame memories
of the '60s or the '20s

or whenever the hell
you thought you were cool.

You want a memory,

watch the grandmaster operate.

Hey, babe, how they hangin'?

Oh, hi, Grandma.

Uh-huh.

No, I haven't seen The
Care Bears Big Picnic yet.

Saturday will be fine.

Yes, I got the
socks you knitted.

Yes, I'm wearing them.

Yes, I am too old to do that.

Okay.

Yes, I love my mama.

So,

what time's Sticky getting here?

The party's on.

I'll get the ice cream. Okay.
Hey, what kind of cake?

If anybody wants me,

I'll be upstairs dead
by my own hand.

Son,

I was saving this until
you were really low.

What?

Coppola's daughter
wants to have tea?

Do you wanna spend your
birthday atop a dying horse

while a clown squirts
you with seltzer

and your mom takes pictures?

No, Dad. Then shut
up and get over here.

You're going to do what
every male Bundy does

when he reaches the age of 18.

Aren't we doing that now, Dad?

Oh, shut up, son.

No. Tonight I'm, uh...

I'm taking you to the nudie bar.

Oh, Dad.

My father took me

just as his father,
Jebediah Bundy, took him.

Seems that throughout
history all male Bundys

and looking at hooters
that don't belong to them

go hand in hand.

I knew you loved me.

Yes, the nudie bar.

Where the music stinks
And they water the drinks

The nudie bar

Where the girlies
dance In their underpants

The nudie bar

Where you'll see their butt
And their traps stay shut

At the nudie bar

Shh. Here come the women, son.

Now, remember,
this is our secret.

Do not give them a clue.

Okay.

Yeah.

Honk, honk.

Well, son, it's your birthday.

You sit anywhere you want.

Alrighty.

Um... Uh, uh, except
there, son. It's...

It's demeaning for the
dancers, and, uh, besides,

that's where the nickels
people throw usually land.

Here we go, son.

Reserved for A. and B. Bundy.

Oh, Dad.

I know, I know.

All right, son. Sit here.

Are you ready?

I think so, Dad.

Then go to it.

Take it off.

Did you hear my
boy say, "Take it off"?

Was it really that good, Dad?

If this old heart could talk.

Thank you.

And now, son,
something really special.

I'm giving you

6 bucks.

Oh, Dad,

your whole paycheck.

That's right, son.

No, no, no, son,
it's not for you.

No, it's for the girls.

See, son, now, you're
gonna be tempted

to spend all your
money on the first girl,

but don't do it.

Six bucks is too much money
to spend on any woman.

Don't worry about me, Dad.

It takes more than a little leg

to shake me up.

Oh, that Sticky.

I never dreamed I could
find someone like him

for only $5.

He's still got it, hasn't he?

We're here.

Uh, no, Buck,

it's not Bud.

Well, well,

aren't you a big, sexy...
whatever you are?

I'll just go upstairs,

splash on some Old Spice,

and we be gettin' it on.

Uh, Kelly, is this
a friend of Bud's?

No, actually, you
can't find one of those.

But this is Roxanne,

the girl that Bud loves,
but who can't stand him.

I thought I'd do
something nice for him,

so I convinced her to come.

He's really dying?

You've seen him.

I'm gonna miss him.

You must have confused me
with a clown who gives a damn.

I got the cake.

Uh, no, Buck,

that's Jefferson, not Bud.

Like I give a cat's ass.

If you want me,

I'll be out in the yard

gettin' me some spotted stuff.

Jefferson, it took you
three hours to get the cake?

Well, we were talking
about our youth and all,

and I got kind of nostalgic,

so I bought a '65 Mustang.

You bought a '65 Mustang?

Well, when are you gonna
get a job to drive it to?

Hey, I look in the papers.

It's just by the time I get up,

all the good jobs are taken.

You are gonna take
that car back today.

Right now, this instant.

And I don't wanna
hear another...

Oh, all right.

You can keep it.

But no more cars this year.

Okay.

I'm Sticky.

Me too.

But at least I've got a car.

Kelly, I've got to go.

I'm not spending
my Saturday night

sitting here next
to your father.

Are you kidding?

My father is not a
clown. He's a shoe...

Yeah, you're right.
That's my Dad.

Kelly, don't lie to the girl.

My husband is dead, Roxanne.

Hey, so when we gonna
fire up this wingding?

Oh, well, we'll start the party
as soon as Al and Bud get home.

Tricks of the trade, son.

When I die, this'll be yours.

Maybe.

Dad, I'm broke, and I'm bored.

Well, I'll handle
it, son. Watch this.

See, I told you you don't
need money to have fun.

You're the greatest, Dad.

Hey, young man,

I sense a tone.

What's wrong now?

This place sucks
when you're broke.

Well, what place doesn't
suck when you're broke?

But to tell you the truth,
it does get kind of boring

in here sometimes.

So then why do you come?

For this.

Uh, excuse me, sir.

You bumped into me, and I
think you owe me an apology.

Drop dead.

Fight!

Go ahead, rookie.
Take your best shot.

Hey, baby.

Get him off me!
Get him off of me!

Get him...!

You all right, son?
I'm all right, Dad.

Look out, Dad!

I hope it was as good
for... whatever that was

as it was for me.

Hey, what do I care?

I got mine.

Eighteen years old
and your first bar fight,

like every other male
Bundy before you.

I'm proud of you son.

How do you feel?

I feel great, Dad.

But where do we tell Mom
we went in the morning?

Well, son, you're a man now.

You stare her
straight in the eye,

and you tell her we
were stuck in traffic.

But we know where we were.

The nudie bar.

Where you can't touch A breast

But you can cave in a chest

At the nudie bar

Where you can look at a
thigh And blacken an eye

At the nudie bar

Where the beer gives you
gas But the Bundys kick ass

At the nudie bar