Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 6, Episode 17 - The Egg and I - full transcript
Steve returns to try and reclaim his estranged wife unaware that she has remarried to a younger man.
Good evening.
Is something bothering Daddy?
Ah, he's just preparing
to do his taxes.
Yikes and gadzooks!
And heee-re we go!
Look what the IRS
is doing to Daddy.
First there's poor
Willie Nelson...
who brings us...
Brings us so much joy
and amasses a fortune.
They take it away.
Next they set their
sights on Redd Foxx.
They drive him to Royal Family,
and you know he wasn't
gonna live long after that.
Well, it always comes in threes.
And which American
idol do they turn to next?
Al Bundy.
Well, I'll never star
on Royal Family.
Wouldn't mind doing an
episode or two of Growing Pains,
or something
like that, but, uh...
I don't wanna be on ABC!
Take it easy, Dad.
Look at the size of this bill.
They're trying to take
away everything I've earned
over the last 20 years.
Oh, no, Al. Yes!
Forty-four dollars.
You try to get just a
little bit ahead and then...
Daddy, is there something
that we can do to help?
Well... get part-time jobs
and help Dad out.
No, seriously, Al.
What can we do?
Hey, I have an idea.
Why don't you just give
the government the bird
and not pay the taxes?
Kelly, you can't
cheat the government.
Pretty soon they'll tack on
interest and penalty payments,
and before you
know it, in a few years,
this will be 50, 60 bucks.
Then you got the
monkey on your back
for the rest of your life.
Forty-four dollars.
They could take the house.
Great. Then we'd still owe $30.
Why, it's Steve.
Steve Rhoades.
Don't shout. Just shut the door.
Open the door! I'm
on the run, you nitwits!
But he said to shut it.
W-what do we do now?
I don't know, it's like
he wants two things.
Well... I was gonna
ask what's new...
but obviously you've
all gone to college
since I left town.
I left town.
Years ago?
Left Marcie, became
a forest ranger.
He went to Yosemite.
- Oh, that's right.
- That's where he went.
Sit down.
Yeah, forest ranging.
That was the life.
Just me and the wind,
roaming free where no man goes.
Wow. It must have
been a pretty strong wind.
So, uh...
Steve.
Steve. What are you doing here?
I brought this.
I'll take that. ALL: Food!
Back, jackals.
You can't eat this.
This is a genuine
double-breasted,
speckle-ruffed,
weenie canyon hawk.
This hawk is as rare to
this country as soap is
to you people.
They were going
to take it to a lab.
Well, someone had to stop them.
Someone with
courage, with conviction,
and real American guts.
So I bribed a Boy Scout to
climb up and get it for me.
Oh, it cost me a
quarter, but, uh,
I wasn't the one
who broke my leg
falling out of the tree.
Heh.
So here I stand, the
proud eco-warrior.
And I must say,
I feel the hero.
Gee, Steve, you're leading
a darned interesting life.
It's too bad Alfalfa's dead,
because he would
have made a good you
in the movie of your life.
Well, to be honest...
there is another
reason I came back.
Well... I never considered
that $50 a loan, Steve.
Not that, you imbecile.
I came to re-claim my wife.
Uh, Steve,
I think there's something
that you should...
Uh, now, uh, Peg.
Uh, the man has
traveled many a mile.
Let's not keep him from
the bosom of his woman...
wherever it may be.
Thanks, Al. But
you know, it's funny.
My key doesn't seem
to work in the door.
Oh, here. Try one of ours.
Let's see: the Murphys,
the Mullens, the Levins.
Ah, yeah. Oh, good.
Now... don't tell Marcie.
I wanna surprise her.
Okay.
You, uh, might want to
cover the children's ears.
There may be some noises
youngsters shouldn't hear.
We're counting on it.
Marcie.
Daddy's home.
I guess I'll wake
her like I used to.
Mm.
Ooh, you're letting your
hair grow long again.
Feels just like silk.
Thanks. I
conditioned it tonight.
That's good. You
know, with your texture...
Intruder!
Marcie! Steve! Yah!
You getting all this, Bud?
Mm-hm.
Wow, look at them
running around.
Hey. How come I
can't see anything?
Oh. I got them,
you guys. Over here.
This is an outrage!
Hey. Where'd that
little guy come from?
Oops. It's Marcie.
No! No!
Oh, God, Al.
Look at the mayhem
and carnage you caused.
You know, every now and then...
I really love you.
He's your husband?
Were you hurt so bad
when I divorced you
that you'd marry this?
Whoa, the desperation.
This is the mighty Steve?
The one you used
to throw in my face?
The one who wasn't
much to look at,
but at least he's got a job?
You know, you
gigolos make me sick.
You think just because
a man divorces his wife,
you can move right
in and marry her?
Well, I'm back.
So you can just pack
up your hair and profile...
and find another heartbroken,
discarded middle-aged
woman to marry.
And leave us decent folk
to our happy home.
Pardon me, Yogi.
You're not wanted here.
Marcie's got a real man now.
Is that right? Yeah.
Well, according to
my watch, it's 10:22.
When I was married to her,
we were never sleeping at 10:22.
She's just resting.
She's been on the
Tilt-A-Whirl since 6 p.m.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Ever taken her in the
kitchen? On and off the table.
Front yard, baby? Firehouse.
Dairy Queen. U-Lube It.
In a homeless
person's shopping cart.
Really? How do you
keep it from rolling? I...
You see, the wheels...
Excuse me!
Gentlemen. But I have something
I'd like to say here.
Ha. Ta-ta, little nose.
I knew she'd come crawling back.
Crawling? To you?
"Ha-ha," I say.
I wouldn't crawl to you
if I had a date with Mel Gibson,
and you had the last
diaphragm on Earth.
Me neither.
Despite what you think,
you are not God's gift to women.
Oh, yeah? Tell that to
the burly Earth First! Babes
who come out every spring
looking for baby
moose and loving.
They may not
shave like you and I,
but they can fill
out a flannel shirt,
I can tell you that.
Then why are you back?
Ah.
I'll tell you why you're back.
You're back...
for this.
I'm blind! My eyes!
My eyes!
That's right.
Read 'em and weep.
They answer to another
man's whistle now.
Uh... That's me, right?
Just shut up and look pretty.
And you...
you can tell your story walking.
I know you don't mean that.
Oh, don't I?
Jefferson. Huh?
Take me right now.
Honey...
Honey, uh... huh,
Mis... Mr. Bashful
might be a little,
uh, under the weather...
what with the ex here and all.
Do it and do it now!
He's looking at me.
Oh, God, you are such a baby!
All right.
Just lie there.
Okay.
I get the message.
But before I walk out
the door for the last time...
what's good for the goose
is good for the gander.
Take this to your grave.
Now I'm blind too!
And none of you could
tell me she was married?
Uh, we don't like
to use the M-word
in front of the children.
Open up, it's the FBI.
Uh, that could just be for me...
since stealing this egg
is a federal offense. Heh.
Oh, and if you get any ideas,
so is harboring me.
If you need me, I'll
be in the basement.
Hello. Agent Mahoney. FBI.
Have you seen this man?
Have you seen this egg?
They're known to be in the area.
Have you seen either of them?
Let me tell you something.
I served my country.
I played high school football.
Four touchdowns in one game.
Yet I'm not exempt from
state and federal taxes.
Now, is this any way America
should treat its heroes?
Now, you just flash that badge
at some registered voter, buddy.
We're Bundys. We hate cops.
I feel good.
Let's watch TV.
And now this news brief.
A former local man, Steven
Rhoades, is being sought
by authorities for his theft
of the egg of a nearly extinct
species of hawk.
He's believed to be
insane and dangerous.
If you see him, call
the police immediately.
Go chase yourself. Hey, we're...
We're Bundys.
We don't call cops.
People call them on us.
Ha, ha, ha. That's right, baby.
There's a $10,000 reward
for information
leading to his arrest.
Now, wait a second,
now. Hold it now!
Hold it now! Get
off me here! Careful.
Wait a second.
Wait a second now!
Family.
Have we forgotten
our principles?
Is $10,000 more important
to us than a friend?
Damn right.
Get out of here. Now...
Get back away from the phone.
Al. This is $10,000.
Now, I know in
the shoe business,
$10,000 is like Bigfoot.
People claim to have
seen it, but no one's
actually laid their hands on it.
But do you know what we
could do with this money?
Doesn't matter.
Family, gather around me.
Here. Gather around.
Now...
do you know why we
shouldn't turn Steve in?
Because we already have so much?
No.
We should not turn Steve
in because the authorities
want us to turn Steve in.
Now, I say we should all
form a united Bundy front
against authority.
Can I get a "Whoa, united
Bundy front against authority"?
Whoa, united Bundy
front against authority.
The only thing that's
important here...
is the fact that we
care about Steve.
We should always... What?
Hm?
Uh... Hello, police?
This is an emergency.
Hey, you canaries!
So I see you can't be trusted.
Well, Al, it's $10,000.
I don't care. Nobody
here calls the cops
while I'm still alive.
What's this?
Well, I thought
you might be thirsty,
so I fixed you some nice Tang.
Tang don't smoke.
Well, Daddy, it's the new
and improved smoking Tang...
chocked-full of
vitamins and ministers.
Bottoms up, Dad.
Hi. I just came
to talk to Steve.
Really?
Well, then why isn't
Jefferson with you?
I thought he wouldn't
leave your side,
with Steve hanging around.
Jefferson is a
mature human being,
fully secure in his masculinity.
Steve! I wanna talk to you.
Ah. Marcie.
I see you dumped
the pretty wrapping
for the total package.
Steve... I've got
something to say.
Last night things were said
in the heat of the moment,
and I may have
hurt your feelings.
I've already forgotten that.
No, let me remind you.
Look at this
and see what you'll
never have again!
Peg, I'm blind!
I saw it again, and
it's all darkness.
Well, here, honey. Drink this.
That's right.
What you see is
what you don't get.
So drool on, dream on...
move on.
Marcie!
Oh, that's what
I wanted to hear.
Oh. I knew you loved me.
Mwah.
Now... tell me
who looks the fool.
Come on, honey.
Why are you wet?
Oh, it's not what you
think. It's just dog pee.
You know, I have
lived here my whole life,
and I never knew that
our bush could talk.
Wow.
Well, Kel, I'm sure
our bushes felt the
same way about you.
Well, now I know
it's truly over.
The Marcie I married would
never have beaten around
with that bush.
But whenever I
start to feel this way...
I'm reminded of
an old Ute saying:
That means, "When
you see the tepee rocking,
don't come a-knocking."
But I'll tell you this.
When you look
at the big picture...
the only thing that
really counts is friendship.
FBI. Nobody move.
Ah!
Traitors. Judases.
You turned me in.
Yeah. Well, I put a
Ute curse on you all.
Well, now there's no
chance of getting that reward.
Mom, I think I could help.
Hey, wait a minute!
Hey, you "F-bi" guys!
We hid him out. Don't we
deserve something for that?
Yes. According
to the law, you do.
Cuff 'em, boys.
Go easy on the big guy.
He played high school football
for our country.
Well, see, Daddy.
Now thanks to me, we're
gonna get our reward. Oh.
Sweetheart, my reward
was the day you were born.
Just give me...! Dad!
Hey, wait a minute.
We didn't turn him in.
Who could have done this?
And so ends another
episode of Buck Bundy:
Environmentally Correct Briard.
If you should witness a
crime against Mother Nature,
don't be afraid
to call your dog.
It's not just a good idea...
it's the law.
Is something bothering Daddy?
Ah, he's just preparing
to do his taxes.
Yikes and gadzooks!
And heee-re we go!
Look what the IRS
is doing to Daddy.
First there's poor
Willie Nelson...
who brings us...
Brings us so much joy
and amasses a fortune.
They take it away.
Next they set their
sights on Redd Foxx.
They drive him to Royal Family,
and you know he wasn't
gonna live long after that.
Well, it always comes in threes.
And which American
idol do they turn to next?
Al Bundy.
Well, I'll never star
on Royal Family.
Wouldn't mind doing an
episode or two of Growing Pains,
or something
like that, but, uh...
I don't wanna be on ABC!
Take it easy, Dad.
Look at the size of this bill.
They're trying to take
away everything I've earned
over the last 20 years.
Oh, no, Al. Yes!
Forty-four dollars.
You try to get just a
little bit ahead and then...
Daddy, is there something
that we can do to help?
Well... get part-time jobs
and help Dad out.
No, seriously, Al.
What can we do?
Hey, I have an idea.
Why don't you just give
the government the bird
and not pay the taxes?
Kelly, you can't
cheat the government.
Pretty soon they'll tack on
interest and penalty payments,
and before you
know it, in a few years,
this will be 50, 60 bucks.
Then you got the
monkey on your back
for the rest of your life.
Forty-four dollars.
They could take the house.
Great. Then we'd still owe $30.
Why, it's Steve.
Steve Rhoades.
Don't shout. Just shut the door.
Open the door! I'm
on the run, you nitwits!
But he said to shut it.
W-what do we do now?
I don't know, it's like
he wants two things.
Well... I was gonna
ask what's new...
but obviously you've
all gone to college
since I left town.
I left town.
Years ago?
Left Marcie, became
a forest ranger.
He went to Yosemite.
- Oh, that's right.
- That's where he went.
Sit down.
Yeah, forest ranging.
That was the life.
Just me and the wind,
roaming free where no man goes.
Wow. It must have
been a pretty strong wind.
So, uh...
Steve.
Steve. What are you doing here?
I brought this.
I'll take that. ALL: Food!
Back, jackals.
You can't eat this.
This is a genuine
double-breasted,
speckle-ruffed,
weenie canyon hawk.
This hawk is as rare to
this country as soap is
to you people.
They were going
to take it to a lab.
Well, someone had to stop them.
Someone with
courage, with conviction,
and real American guts.
So I bribed a Boy Scout to
climb up and get it for me.
Oh, it cost me a
quarter, but, uh,
I wasn't the one
who broke my leg
falling out of the tree.
Heh.
So here I stand, the
proud eco-warrior.
And I must say,
I feel the hero.
Gee, Steve, you're leading
a darned interesting life.
It's too bad Alfalfa's dead,
because he would
have made a good you
in the movie of your life.
Well, to be honest...
there is another
reason I came back.
Well... I never considered
that $50 a loan, Steve.
Not that, you imbecile.
I came to re-claim my wife.
Uh, Steve,
I think there's something
that you should...
Uh, now, uh, Peg.
Uh, the man has
traveled many a mile.
Let's not keep him from
the bosom of his woman...
wherever it may be.
Thanks, Al. But
you know, it's funny.
My key doesn't seem
to work in the door.
Oh, here. Try one of ours.
Let's see: the Murphys,
the Mullens, the Levins.
Ah, yeah. Oh, good.
Now... don't tell Marcie.
I wanna surprise her.
Okay.
You, uh, might want to
cover the children's ears.
There may be some noises
youngsters shouldn't hear.
We're counting on it.
Marcie.
Daddy's home.
I guess I'll wake
her like I used to.
Mm.
Ooh, you're letting your
hair grow long again.
Feels just like silk.
Thanks. I
conditioned it tonight.
That's good. You
know, with your texture...
Intruder!
Marcie! Steve! Yah!
You getting all this, Bud?
Mm-hm.
Wow, look at them
running around.
Hey. How come I
can't see anything?
Oh. I got them,
you guys. Over here.
This is an outrage!
Hey. Where'd that
little guy come from?
Oops. It's Marcie.
No! No!
Oh, God, Al.
Look at the mayhem
and carnage you caused.
You know, every now and then...
I really love you.
He's your husband?
Were you hurt so bad
when I divorced you
that you'd marry this?
Whoa, the desperation.
This is the mighty Steve?
The one you used
to throw in my face?
The one who wasn't
much to look at,
but at least he's got a job?
You know, you
gigolos make me sick.
You think just because
a man divorces his wife,
you can move right
in and marry her?
Well, I'm back.
So you can just pack
up your hair and profile...
and find another heartbroken,
discarded middle-aged
woman to marry.
And leave us decent folk
to our happy home.
Pardon me, Yogi.
You're not wanted here.
Marcie's got a real man now.
Is that right? Yeah.
Well, according to
my watch, it's 10:22.
When I was married to her,
we were never sleeping at 10:22.
She's just resting.
She's been on the
Tilt-A-Whirl since 6 p.m.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Ever taken her in the
kitchen? On and off the table.
Front yard, baby? Firehouse.
Dairy Queen. U-Lube It.
In a homeless
person's shopping cart.
Really? How do you
keep it from rolling? I...
You see, the wheels...
Excuse me!
Gentlemen. But I have something
I'd like to say here.
Ha. Ta-ta, little nose.
I knew she'd come crawling back.
Crawling? To you?
"Ha-ha," I say.
I wouldn't crawl to you
if I had a date with Mel Gibson,
and you had the last
diaphragm on Earth.
Me neither.
Despite what you think,
you are not God's gift to women.
Oh, yeah? Tell that to
the burly Earth First! Babes
who come out every spring
looking for baby
moose and loving.
They may not
shave like you and I,
but they can fill
out a flannel shirt,
I can tell you that.
Then why are you back?
Ah.
I'll tell you why you're back.
You're back...
for this.
I'm blind! My eyes!
My eyes!
That's right.
Read 'em and weep.
They answer to another
man's whistle now.
Uh... That's me, right?
Just shut up and look pretty.
And you...
you can tell your story walking.
I know you don't mean that.
Oh, don't I?
Jefferson. Huh?
Take me right now.
Honey...
Honey, uh... huh,
Mis... Mr. Bashful
might be a little,
uh, under the weather...
what with the ex here and all.
Do it and do it now!
He's looking at me.
Oh, God, you are such a baby!
All right.
Just lie there.
Okay.
I get the message.
But before I walk out
the door for the last time...
what's good for the goose
is good for the gander.
Take this to your grave.
Now I'm blind too!
And none of you could
tell me she was married?
Uh, we don't like
to use the M-word
in front of the children.
Open up, it's the FBI.
Uh, that could just be for me...
since stealing this egg
is a federal offense. Heh.
Oh, and if you get any ideas,
so is harboring me.
If you need me, I'll
be in the basement.
Hello. Agent Mahoney. FBI.
Have you seen this man?
Have you seen this egg?
They're known to be in the area.
Have you seen either of them?
Let me tell you something.
I served my country.
I played high school football.
Four touchdowns in one game.
Yet I'm not exempt from
state and federal taxes.
Now, is this any way America
should treat its heroes?
Now, you just flash that badge
at some registered voter, buddy.
We're Bundys. We hate cops.
I feel good.
Let's watch TV.
And now this news brief.
A former local man, Steven
Rhoades, is being sought
by authorities for his theft
of the egg of a nearly extinct
species of hawk.
He's believed to be
insane and dangerous.
If you see him, call
the police immediately.
Go chase yourself. Hey, we're...
We're Bundys.
We don't call cops.
People call them on us.
Ha, ha, ha. That's right, baby.
There's a $10,000 reward
for information
leading to his arrest.
Now, wait a second,
now. Hold it now!
Hold it now! Get
off me here! Careful.
Wait a second.
Wait a second now!
Family.
Have we forgotten
our principles?
Is $10,000 more important
to us than a friend?
Damn right.
Get out of here. Now...
Get back away from the phone.
Al. This is $10,000.
Now, I know in
the shoe business,
$10,000 is like Bigfoot.
People claim to have
seen it, but no one's
actually laid their hands on it.
But do you know what we
could do with this money?
Doesn't matter.
Family, gather around me.
Here. Gather around.
Now...
do you know why we
shouldn't turn Steve in?
Because we already have so much?
No.
We should not turn Steve
in because the authorities
want us to turn Steve in.
Now, I say we should all
form a united Bundy front
against authority.
Can I get a "Whoa, united
Bundy front against authority"?
Whoa, united Bundy
front against authority.
The only thing that's
important here...
is the fact that we
care about Steve.
We should always... What?
Hm?
Uh... Hello, police?
This is an emergency.
Hey, you canaries!
So I see you can't be trusted.
Well, Al, it's $10,000.
I don't care. Nobody
here calls the cops
while I'm still alive.
What's this?
Well, I thought
you might be thirsty,
so I fixed you some nice Tang.
Tang don't smoke.
Well, Daddy, it's the new
and improved smoking Tang...
chocked-full of
vitamins and ministers.
Bottoms up, Dad.
Hi. I just came
to talk to Steve.
Really?
Well, then why isn't
Jefferson with you?
I thought he wouldn't
leave your side,
with Steve hanging around.
Jefferson is a
mature human being,
fully secure in his masculinity.
Steve! I wanna talk to you.
Ah. Marcie.
I see you dumped
the pretty wrapping
for the total package.
Steve... I've got
something to say.
Last night things were said
in the heat of the moment,
and I may have
hurt your feelings.
I've already forgotten that.
No, let me remind you.
Look at this
and see what you'll
never have again!
Peg, I'm blind!
I saw it again, and
it's all darkness.
Well, here, honey. Drink this.
That's right.
What you see is
what you don't get.
So drool on, dream on...
move on.
Marcie!
Oh, that's what
I wanted to hear.
Oh. I knew you loved me.
Mwah.
Now... tell me
who looks the fool.
Come on, honey.
Why are you wet?
Oh, it's not what you
think. It's just dog pee.
You know, I have
lived here my whole life,
and I never knew that
our bush could talk.
Wow.
Well, Kel, I'm sure
our bushes felt the
same way about you.
Well, now I know
it's truly over.
The Marcie I married would
never have beaten around
with that bush.
But whenever I
start to feel this way...
I'm reminded of
an old Ute saying:
That means, "When
you see the tepee rocking,
don't come a-knocking."
But I'll tell you this.
When you look
at the big picture...
the only thing that
really counts is friendship.
FBI. Nobody move.
Ah!
Traitors. Judases.
You turned me in.
Yeah. Well, I put a
Ute curse on you all.
Well, now there's no
chance of getting that reward.
Mom, I think I could help.
Hey, wait a minute!
Hey, you "F-bi" guys!
We hid him out. Don't we
deserve something for that?
Yes. According
to the law, you do.
Cuff 'em, boys.
Go easy on the big guy.
He played high school football
for our country.
Well, see, Daddy.
Now thanks to me, we're
gonna get our reward. Oh.
Sweetheart, my reward
was the day you were born.
Just give me...! Dad!
Hey, wait a minute.
We didn't turn him in.
Who could have done this?
And so ends another
episode of Buck Bundy:
Environmentally Correct Briard.
If you should witness a
crime against Mother Nature,
don't be afraid
to call your dog.
It's not just a good idea...
it's the law.