Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 6, Episode 15 - Just Shoe It - full transcript

Al is asked to appear in an athletic shoe commercial. Al, being Polk High's 1966 all city running back and shoe salesman, is glad to reclaim his glory days. But he ends up being a punching ...

[♪♪♪]

Mom, we're starving.

Why tell me?

Do I look like Sally Struthers?

Besides, with the
Super Bowl coming,

your father has taken
away our food allowance

so he can buy his own
snacks for the game.

You think he'd mind
if we just took a little?

BUCK: Are you
feelin' lucky, punks?

Buck is cute though.

Let's get together as a family,



kill him, and retake the fridge.

Mom, are we really
doomed again to watch Dad

sit in his Polk High uniform
with a football in one hand

and himself in the other?

Kids, please.

You think I like seeing
him happy one day a year?

Well, what can I do?

I am banned from the
house during the Super Bowl,

and I can't even call
during the Bud Bowl.

Mom, have you thought
about taking the time

to actually learn the game

so you guys could
watch together?

You mean, so we could
enjoy something as a couple?

No.



So you could ruin any enjoyment

he could possibly
have during the game.

So he would leave the house,

and we could get our
hands on his Cheetos.

And we could watch
whatever we want.

Well, how about the
Super Bowl? Sure.

Oh, that's a great idea.

Bud, teach me about football.

Okay, well, uh, first we
can go over some calls.

Okay,

this is holding.

This is a reception.

And this...

is two weeks after dating Kelly.

Here's one you
might recognize, Mom:

Bud on a Saturday night.

Why, you...

Come on. Come and get it.

Kids! Kids, kids, kids.

Morticia, Wednesday, Pugsley.

Kids, your daddy's home.

Hi, Dad. Hi, Dad.

[GRUNTING] Al, guess what.

Not now, Peg. I have
a big announcement.

I need your complete attention.

All right.

Today, I got the latest
issue of Shoe News.

You know their motto:

"Before it's on your
foot, it's in your head."

And I have it on good authority

that they're coming
out with a new,

all-sport athletic shoe.

Oh, Al.

Kids, let us join hands

and remember where we
were on this mighty day.

Tell us more, Al.

Will they come in pairs, honey?

There's more,
my little aneurysm.

It's going to be
called the Zeus.

And they're kicking off
their new ad campaign

with a special commercial

that will be shown
for the first time

during the Super Bowl.

And here's the part that
means something to us:

They're going to use
ex-jocks in this commercial.

You don't get it, do you?

Well, you should know that
better than anyone, sweetheart.

Don't you see?

Ex-jocks.

Who's the most famous
ex-athlete in Chicago?

Ernie Banks.

I said, "Athlete."

You should know
that means football.

Uh, Gale Sayers?

Can you be this thick?

Let me give you a hint.

The FTD florist?

No, you nitwit, me.

Polk High, all-city.

Most touchdowns
in a single game.

Surely, if you
don't listen to me,

you've heard others talk
about it in malls, movie lines,

anywhere Americans
gather to talk sports.

I'm a shoo-in for
that commercial.

Get it, shoo-in?

Well, Shoe News
will appreciate it.

Anyway, I'm just gonna go
audition for that commercial,

and in a few short weeks,
you'll see your old dad on TV

during the Super Bowl.

Now what have you got to say?

Honey, did you pick
up those little blue disks

for the toilet tank?

Yes.

[BOTH GASP]

I'm putting it in. No, me.

I'm putting it in! Me! I am!

Is not my news
at least as exciting

as a blue disk for a toilet?

Well, honey, I'm sure
I'd be just as excited

if I was married
to the blue disk

and it brought you
home for the toilet.

[LAUGHS]

I know what you're
thinking, Peg.

You're thinking I'm not
gonna get this commercial.

Not at all.

I'm thinking you are
a fool to even think

you're getting this commercial.

Honey, you played
high school football.

That doesn't mean
anything to anyone anymore,

including me.

And I'm your wife.

I took a vow to
care, and I don't.

You're just jealous because
the ad said "ex-jocks,"

not "ex-brunettes."

You're not getting it, Al.
They want someone famous.

I'm famous!

Hi, guys. Hi.

Ah, well, now.

Who is the man

who scored four
touchdowns in a single game

to clinch the city
championship in 1966?

Shaft. John Shaft.

No.

Who is the man who
rushed for 200 yards

against Garfield High?

Shaft. He's a bad...

Shut your mouth.

Just talkin' about Shaft. Ah.

You people obviously don't
know anything about football.

What do you care about?

Peggy, have you seen

these fantastic blue
disks for the toilet?

Why, this is the best thing
that could have happened to Al.

Next to the invention
of a bowl 6-feet wide

with tall rims for
the problem aimer.

But now, unlike your career,

you have something to shoot for.

You people can't be serious.

I want you to admit that having
played high school football

is probably the
most important thing

a guy could do
in his whole life.

Yes,

if a person died
right after high school.

[CHUCKLES]

But don't worry, Al,

it's probably not too late

for you to do
something important.

Why, some day, you
may even stop a bullet

meant for the president.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, I'm sorry, Marcie.
I must be boring you.

Anyone who obviously spends

as much time in
barber shops as you do

must have heard every
sports story a guy could hear.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Hey, you better
cut that out, Al.

I think Marcie looks
as cute as a button

with her hair cut this way.

Thank you, honey.

Al, uh, just to close
up this subject:

It's not that we are belittling
your place in sports history.

It's just that you
are like a toilet

without a blue disk.

Fine for its time,

but now barely worth flushing.

Now, give me a kiss and
make me some coffee.

I will not.

I'm going to audition
for this commercial

and get it, by God.

Then we'll see, when I
go down for this interview,

who in Chicago doesn't
know the name Bundy.

Who?

Bundy.

B-U-N-D-Y. Al Bundy.

Made all-city back in
'66. Four touchdowns.

And I'm not talking
the whole year.

One game.

Well, have a seat,

and allow me time to cool off.

[GRUNTS]

Miss Lagroin, who's
on our list for today?

Well, there's
Mr. Butkus, Mr. Carlton,

Mr. Tarkenton, Mr. Namath,

and of course,

Mr. Bindy.

He scored four touchdowns,

not in one year,
but in one game.

Guess where?

High school.

Thought I'd die when I met him.

Well, send him in before
the real athletes come.

[SWOONS]

Okay, Mom, now, who's the guy

who hikes the ball
to the quarterback?

The center.

Very good.

Now, who's the guy
who rushes the passer?

The defensive end.

Excellent.

Now, who's the
little foreign guy

who can barely speak
English, never gets hit,

and is taking yet another
job away from an American?

The place-kicker.

Great job, Mom.

Now, next... Next
we'll start on stats.

Oh, can I teach her
the stats, please?

Sure. Okay.

Now, we have Alaska,

Alabama,

Brazil...

Oh, and, uh...

Oh, and the two
Georgias, North and South.

And yet, men still
seem to like her.

[CAR APPROACHING]
Oh, there's your daddy's car.

Now, he's gonna come in
here and tell us he's failed.

So let's practice what
we're gonna say to him.

[CAR DOOR SHUTS] [ALL LAUGHING]

The classics never die.

[ALL LAUGH]

Laugh at this, hyenas:

I got it. I got the commercial.

[LAUGHING]

I am the Zeus man.

[LAUGHING]

[HAMMER BANGING]

So I think it's
important to understand,

before we get started, that,
yes, the shoes are important,

but let's, uh, try not
to disappoint the public

in what they've come
to expect from me.

So, uh, let's try
not to get too arty

and lose sight of the man.

Oh, by the way,

be careful how you shoot me

because from,
uh, certain angles,

it would appear I'm,
uh, losing a hair or two.

You know what I mean?

Sure.

Why tell me? I'm the caterer.

Put some food in
my car and go away.

Hi, I'm Jerry
Copeland, the director.

Try not to speak directly to me.

Now, you will be
portraying the common man.

Well, that, uh, will be a
bit of a stretch for me, Jerr.

I played, uh, high
school football, you know?

You're speaking to me. Sorry.

Well, anyhow, I'm sure
you would want to meet

your costar in the
first scene, hm?

Not really, but, uh...

I guess he'd like to meet me.

Al Bindy,

meet Ed "Too Tall" Jones.

Too Tall? You
gotta be kidding me.

Are you in the scene with
me? Peg! Peg! Look who's...!

Need someone to run
your lines with you, baby?

[CHUCKLES]

Will someone please wheel
the elderly woman away?

Okay.

Ah, we're ready.

Well, um, you know what to do.

Uh, no, I don't, Jerr.

No, see, I never got a script.

Oh. Well, just follow
your instincts, Bindy.

That must be what
they tell Brando.

Not that I'm comparing
myself with Brando.

He's, uh, fat.

Oh, by the way, Too Tall,

my name is Al "Too Great" Bindy.

You, uh... I'm sure
you heard of me.

Made all-city back in '66.

And you're the guy that
was raiding the refrigerator

in my trailer.

Twice.

What I'm trying to say is,

don't feel bad about
having to pull back.

Just don't hurt yourself.

Thanks a lot for
making me feel welcome.

Ready.

And deck him.

Deck who?

[GRUNTS]

Yes, Mom, personal foul.

Oh, Too Tall, babe.
Great rehearsal.

Now, let's... Let's just shoot
the next one. Do you mind?

Not at all. I think you
could see me pull back.

Okay, uh, dust off the shoes

and get the old
guy back on his feet.

Uh,

maybe we should
do something. Yeah.

Hey, Too Tall, can I
get your autograph?

Hey, how'd you get
the name "Too Tall"?

Uh, does it really refer
to, uh, your height?

Hm, no.

[MOANS]

[HAMMER BANGING]

Okay, for this one, all
you have to do is bat.

Well, that's no problem.
I play a little softball.

Only three-time MVP

the 20-store-and-under
mall league ever had.

One time we were
playing Binky's Pets...

Great.

Now, say hi to your costar,

Steve Carlton.

Put her right here, baby.

[PEG SIGHS]

It's, uh... It's awful nice
to meet you, Mr. Carlton.

You probably haven't thrown
a baseball in quite a long time,

whereas I'm an
active softball player,

so, uh, you know, don't
worry about looking bad

because the
camera will be on me.

I'm sure your heart is as
big as the ball you play with.

Okay. Places, everyone.

Okay, Steve. Now,
it's no big deal.

Just, uh, bean him.

No problem. Uh...

bean who?

Yes, Mom, intentional grounding.

[CHUCKLING] Oh.

[GASPING]

[LAUGHS]

Hey, there's an eyebrow on it.

Ugh.

Daddy, look, I got the ball.

[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]

No, Daddy, they're
still looking for your ear,

but I'm gonna have him sign it
right underneath your eyebrow.

How would you like it to read?

[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]

Okay, great.

Mr. Carlton, could
you please sign this

to "the late Al Bundy"?

Oh, yeah.

Okay, uh, time to
take his bandage off.

Ah.

Uh, Al, honey,

I've been thinking about this,
and I think we better go home.

I'm worried you might get hurt.

Well, don't worry
about me, Peg. I'm fine.

Hey, will somebody
answer that phone?

Well, I'll get it myself. Hello?

Another damn wrong number.

Besides, Peg,
this should be fun.

You know, it's always
been an amateur's dream

to see how far he
can go with a pro.

I used to do a little boxing.

And what I wanna do
is get in one good shot

and get a little bit of respect.

So, what I'm gonna do,
Peg, I'm not gonna even wait

for the director
to say "action."

I'm gonna cheat. Tee-hee!

[LAUGHING] And when
the guy gets in the ring,

I'm gonna pop him with one.

You know, a good
right hand, right away.

And I don't care.

Pro or no pro,
that's gotta hurt, Peg.

Hey, you're... JERRY: Action!

[GRUNTS]

Wow,

he didn't even
have time to spit out

a whimpering "no más."

Sugar Ray, very nice.

That was fun.

You know, it's every
professional's dream

to see how bad he
can hurt a non-pro.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Help me.

Well, it looks like
he's been hurt.

We better make sure he's okay.

Hey, did you hurt your
hand on my dad's jaw?

I'm curious about your name.

How'd you get the name Leonard?

Uh, Sugar Ray,

I blinked and I
missed the whole thing.

Could you hit him again?

Sure, yeah, yeah.

Al, get up.

[JEFFERSON & PEG LAUGHING]

[CROWD CHEERING OVER TV]

JEFFERSON: Yes! [PEG GASPS]

What thinking man would
call a down-and-out pattern

seven yards downfield when
you need eight for a first down?

Idiots.

What's happening, Peg?

Shut up, Al, I'm
watching the game.

So, what...?

What were those
athletes really like?

Oh... Heh. Well, they
couldn't have been nicer.

At the party after the shoot,

we talked and we danced and...

Actually, it would
have been great

except that Al kept
calling from the hospital.

Why I let him put me down

as who to notify in
case of emergency,

I'll never know.

It's like they know when
you're having a good time.

Mm.

It's halftime.

All right, Al's commercial
should be on any second.

At last, America
will finally see me

in all my athletic glory.

ANNOUNCER [OVER TV]: Zeus.

The all-sport shoe for
the weekend warrior.

You may not play like a pro.

[♪♪♪]

You may not hit like a pro.

[BALL CLINKS]

You may not fight like a pro.

But with Zeus,
you won't have to.

Zeus, the shoes
that will outlive you.

[LAUGHS]

Hey, what happened to my face?

You inherited it
from your father.

[LAUGHS]

They can't do that to me.
I'm the Zeus man, damn it!

Oh, well, I guess it
really doesn't matter.

As long as my
family saw me do it.

They were there.

They saw me in
there with those pros,

and I took their best shots.

Hey, hey, who
wants to be the first

to put a pen in my mouth
and get an autograph?

WOMAN [OVER
TV]: Good news, folks,

our toilet disks
finally come in green.

It's like having a
pine tree in your toilet.

It's out! Let's go!

[ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY]

JEFFERSON: We'll mix colors.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Well, at least I'll get to
watch the game in peace.

[CLICKS] ANNOUNCER
[OVER TV]: And now,

uninterrupted by commercials,

we proudly present
Steel Magnolias.

Oh, no, not Steel Magnolias!

Buck. Buck, change
the Super Bowl back on.

I can't move.

You accidentally
changed the channel!

BUCK: Accident, my ass.

I love this movie.

Julia Roberts, so ill,

[TEARFULLY] so brave.

[AL SOBBING]

[♪♪♪]