Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 6, Episode 13 - I Who Have Nothing - full transcript
Al tries to retrieve his game ball from a former girlfriend after he takes stock of his life and finds he has nothing.
[♪♪♪]
[ALL LAUGHING]
Here we go. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[LAUGHING]
See. See.
That was a great
family day. Yeah.
Thanks for taking
us with you, Al.
Why don't we do this
more often, Daddy?
Well, it's not every
day an uncle dies,
and the coroner
forgets to lock his house.
[ALL LAUGHING]
It teaches you a lot about
human nature, though.
I wouldn't have believe
that kind of greed existed
if I didn't see it
with my own eyes.
Those vultures.
Like your cousin, Sheila,
trying to take
both of these TVs.
Mmm.
Boy, the nerve of some people.
So kids, how'd you do?
Now, wait a minute. That
wasn't in Uncle Joe's closet.
I know, but there were too
many people stealing in there,
so I went upstairs
to his wife's room.
But she's still alive.
Well, she should have
thought of that before I took it.
Look what I got.
Gold tooth.
Uh, that's not
really gold, honey.
It's just yellow.
In fact, we call
it "Bundy yellow."
Show him, honey.
Damn.
Great, now I have nothing.
Well, cheer up, son.
I hear Aunt Addie's real sick.
Oh-ho-ho!
You mean the one with
the really nice lamp?
Oh, I'd love to have that.
Maybe for my birthday?
Consider it done.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Hey, what'd you get, Daddy?
The only thing I
wanted, pumpkin.
That is, beside from
Uncle Joe's mistress.
I got Uncle Joe's watch.
Uncle Joe always wanted
me to have this watch.
He told me so the last
time I saw him alive.
I was, uh, 7.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oop. I'll get it. I wish
Uncle Joe had died
before I spent $12.95
on this stupid watch.
Hello, Aunt Heather.
Uh...
We, uh... We missed
you at the take.
I-I mean, at the wake.
We were so sorry to
hear of his passing.
Yes, your grief was evident
as you tried to bite
the ring off his finger.
I was kissing his hand.
I loved the man, damn it.
Well, keep your memories then,
and give me back
everything you jackals looted.
It all belongs to me.
Who says?
My lawyer. Fork over the watch.
Well, he wanted me
to have this watch.
Uh, he probably
even said so in his will.
Mmm.
He didn't have a will,
so it all goes to me.
Give me the watch.
What, you want this watch?
You think you can get it?
Well, come on and get it.
Well, come on, lawyer boy.
You want a little piece of this?
Don't push it, Bundy.
There's laws in this
town against stealing.
Not to mention overflowing
a dead man's toilet.
Thank you.
And you should all be
ashamed of yourselves.
[TEARFULLY] All I
have left of poor Joe.
Come on, babe, the
hock shops close at 6.
We'll send the police
for the rest of this stuff.
We got a plane
to catch to Bimini.
Toodles.
God, your relatives are scum.
You know, he really did
want me to have that watch.
What idiot would
be so thoughtless
as to not leave a will?
Do you have a will, Daddy?
Well, no, but, uh...
I will have one after today.
I don't want this to
happen to me if I die.
I shall gather all
of my belongings.
I've worked for 25 years.
I've lived and I've loved.
Later on, I even married.
All that is mine shall
be divided among you.
I have nothing.
Oh, now, come on, Dad.
I wouldn't call a 45 of
"Under the Boardwalk..."
and a baseball card
of Joe Nuxhall nothing.
Yeah, and...
a copy of Sports
Hijinks on Beta.
Peg, how could this possibly be?
I've worked for 25 years,
I've amassed nothing.
Oh, honey, it's not your fault.
You could've been rich.
You just never had the break.
Or the brains, or the skill,
or the initiative,
or even the mindless
charm some get by on.
[CHUCKLES]
Feel better, snookums?
Kids, give Daddy a kiss.
He's not dead yet.
Well, he's close enough for me.
I'm still going to write a will.
Now, get me a pencil and paper.
I wanna list all my
worldly possessions.
I said, all my
worldly possessions.
[GROANS]
Peg, don't you understand
this is important to me?
How would you remember
me if I died tomorrow?
As a lover.
A father.
A provider.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Come on, Daddy, why
aren't you joining in?
Well, because you're
making fun of me.
Oh.
Come on, kids,
let's leave your daddy
alone to write his will.
Gee, I hope I
get his toilet seat.
Don't be greedy, Bud.
You're already
getting his hairline.
[PEG AND KELLY LAUGHING]
See? Now we're laughing at Bud.
Why am I making out a will?
Buck, I'm leaving
everything to you.
BUCK: Aruba, here I come.
[GROANS]
Hi, Al. I heard your uncle died.
Uh... you wanna go out
for a drink or anything?
Well, later, after you've left.
Let me ask you something. Mmm.
What would you have to leave
if you died tomorrow?
Good-looking corpse.
[LAUGHING]
I'm sorry, Al. I didn't
mean to rub your face in it.
What are you doing? Hmm?
I'm making out a will.
I have lots of
material possessions.
Oh! Hey. Joe Nuxhall.
We used to make
little boats out of these
and sail them into the
sewer. Hey, uh, yeah, now!
I, unlike you,
have provided for my future.
No, I was just
thinking, you know,
something else to leave behind.
You know, something that...
Something that identifies
Al Bundy, the man.
Uh, you've got plenty.
I know that.
Could you give me an example?
Hey, you got all
those gold teeth.
And you were a football star
in high school, weren't you?
I mean, I wish my
kids could grow up
saying I was a football star.
Well, they will, 'cause
obviously I'll lie to them.
But... it-it would be
nice to actually have
the mementos like you do.
That's it! What?
My mistake was I was
looking at my life in the present.
I should have been
looking at my life pre-Peg.
My football mementos.
That's what says Al Bundy
was really here. Yeah!
I'll give Peg my
old football jersey.
Good old number
33. It'll be good for her,
because that's how old she
can tell her next husband she is.
[LAUGHS]
And then I can give
my old MVP trophy
to Kelly to go along with hers.
Although... Although,
for the life of me,
I can't figure out how
she got a football trophy
having never played the game.
And then there's Bud. Uh...
Can you loan me a nickel?
I won't lend it to you,
but I'll trade you
even for your Dodge.
[LAUGHING]
Come on, Al. I mean, surely
you've got something else
from your football days
to leave to your son.
I do.
I do.
My game ball...
from the greatest day
in anyone's lifetime.
The day that I scored
four touchdowns.
Yeah. My game ball.
That is what I shall
leave to my only son,
the carrier of the
Bundy seed and name.
And from the looks
of things, the last.
He shall get the most special
thing I ever had in my life.
It's perfect. Where is it?
I gave it to some cheerleader
I was Bundyfying at the time.
So I'll get it back from her.
We had something
very special between us,
me and, uh,
whatever her name was.
Peg? Peg, let me
ask you a question.
Do you remember the name
of that cute little cheerleader
I was crazy about
before I got drunk,
woke up married to you?
Why, yes, I do.
In fact, I remember this rhyme
that everyone used
to say about her:
If you wanna get
drunk Get some brandy.
If you want a social
disease Just call Sandy.
Sandy... Sandy
Jorgenson. Thank you, Peg.
Why do you wanna know?
Huh? Oh, well...
No, Peg, uh, Jefferson
was wondering
who my second-favorite
girl in high school was.
[CHUCKLES]
[CHUCKLES]
I wish I could remember
who my first-favorite was.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
So, what if she's unlisted?
This is about a
football, damn it!
A man would give
me the number. Hello?
You just spent 25
cents on a phone call
to retrieve a football
worth 10 cents,
to leave to your son.
Although, I know a pigskin will
forever remind him of his dad.
There's just one
thing I wanna know.
Oh, sure, Marcie. The part
with the cups go in front.
Uh, present company
excluded, of course.
[MEN LAUGHING]
You better watch it, Al,
if you want us to
keep coming over.
Look, Al.
I hate to interject sanity
into your quest
for the Holy Fail...
but if you seriously
wanna find this person,
then why don't you
call a detective agency?
I mean, there are
some that specialize
in finding missing persons.
She's beautiful and resourceful.
Well, I went to one once
to find an old boyfriend.
Six feet, good-looking,
and a perfect 10, if
you know what I mean.
Oh, God, I never had it so good.
The things he made me do.
The things he made me feel.
Everyone since then
has just been an empty
shadow in comparison.
Well, not everyone.
My ex-husband,
Steve, was pretty good.
Marcie, you wouldn't
happen to have
that detective's number handy?
Don't be ridiculous.
Why would she...?
Sure do. Right here.
Well, don't look
at me like that.
It was just a
coincidence that I had it.
I have no need of a lost
love when I have you.
I am great, aren't I?
Sure.
What do you mean,
"sure"? Just last night,
you called me Captain Kaboom.
Would you have
preferred Private Noodle?
Hey.
Hey, Al's gonna
think you're serious.
[CHUCKLES]
Ah, it... It's just a
little code we have.
It means there's a
party in her pants,
and I'm the guest of honor.
[MUTTERING]
Oh, yeah, hello. Yes.
Uh, I'm looking for a
girl I gave a football to,
that I scored four
touchdowns with.
Uh, yes, I-I'm Al Bundy.
Polk High, yes.
Yes, I was number 33.
Yes, I-I do have a
problem with foot odor.
Peg, get off the extension!
I'm trying to make
a call out here!
WOMAN: Come in.
Sandy?
Hiya, Al.
Sandy?
Do you like what you see?
Well, uh, I don't know,
I haven't been able
to take it all in yet.
You know something, Al...
I think you look even better now
than you did in high school.
[LAUGHS] Ah,
incredible, isn't it?
So, Touchdown...
what have you been doing
with yourself since high school?
I mean, the last time I saw you,
you were taking a summer
job as a shoe-store man.
[LAUGHING]
Yeah, you said you wanted to buy
some new
carburetors for your car.
What ever happened to
that old Dodge of yours?
[LAUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY]
Well, let's not talk
about the past, okay?
I'm a live-for-today kinda
guy. You know what I mean?
Oh, you mean...
we can't talk about
your old football days?
Well, I mean, uh, if that
makes you feel better.
[SIGHS]
Watching you in motion back then
always made me feel better.
So, Touchdown...
are you just as good
as you always were?
Well, I haven't
gotten any complaints,
if you know what I mean.
[LAUGHING]
Show it to me,
Al! Let me see it!
Well, it wasn't...
It isn't quite what it was.
I'll be the judge of
that. Let me see it!
Well, I can't see any harm.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Oh!
You still got it, Touchdown!
Yeah, well, where's it
gonna go, you know?
[CHUCKLES]
[CLEARS THROAT]
Al...
I know why you're here.
Now, Sandy, before
you go any further,
I'd like to say something:
You're hurting me.
[LAUGHS]
No, I'm not kidding.
You're hurting me.
Now, take your leg
off, or I'll sock you one.
Oh, Al.
Hey...
did you ever regret
breaking up with me
right before the
homecoming dance?
You know what I want, Al.
Well, what, a huge McNugget?
I want that dance you owe me.
Now, Sandy, you
know I never danced
unless it was gonna
get some sex for me.
AL: Oh, that didn't
open an ugly door, did it?
Oh, come on, Al.
At least promise me a
dance if our song comes on.
You remember "Blue Velvet."
Well, okay. But only
if that song comes on.
[BOBBY VINTON'S
"BLUE VELVET" PLAYING]
♪ Blue Velvet ♪
That's a good one, God.
♪ She wore blue velvet ♪
♪ Bluer than velvet
Was the night ♪
♪ Softer than satin
Was the light ♪
All right. There, that's...
[CHUCKLING]
Now, wasn't that nice, Al?
Uh... Oh, boy-de-oh-do.
Uh, let's, uh... Let's
sit back over here.
♪ One, two, three
o'clock Four o'clock rock ♪
♪ Five, six, seven o'clock
Eight o'clock, rock ♪
♪ Nine, ten, eleven o'clock
Twelve o'clock, rock ♪
♪ We're gonna rock
around The clock tonight ♪
♪ Put your glad rags
on And join me, hon ♪
Just like old times, huh, Al?
Oh, man.
♪ Rock around
The clock tonight ♪
♪ We're gonna rock, rock,
rock 'Til broad daylight ♪
♪ We're gonna rock, gonna
rock Around the clock tonight ♪
♪ When the clock strikes
two Three and four ♪
♪ If the band slows
down We'll yell for more ♪
♪ We're gonna rock
around The clock tonight ♪
♪ We're gonna rock, rock, rock
[GROANING]
♪ We're gonna rock... ♪
[GRUNTING]
Oh, Al, no more dance-y?
Yeah. No more spine-y.
Oh, my poor Touchdown.
Would him like a back rub?
Well, you know, Sandy,
what I'd really like... Ahh!
Ow! Oh!
You know, Sandy,
this might be a good
time to ask you something.
What is it, Al?
What do you want?
My football.
Your football?
You mean, the game ball?
Gee, Al...
giving me that ball
was what let me know
I was special to you.
Yeah, I know, so
could I have it back?
I wanna give it
to somebody else.
Well, well. Heh, heh.
And here I thought
the guy who dumped me 20
years ago was crawling back.
Huh! I should have known.
All he wanted was his football.
Well, all right, Al.
I'll give it back to you...
on one condition.
Oh, all right.
No, no. The moment has passed.
I was just...
I guess I was just
kind of remembering
how you and I used to
play catch with it at the park.
Could I at least throw
you one last pass,
just to remember
the good times by?
Well, sure, if it'll help take
the edge off, you know,
watching the big guy
walk out of your life
for the second time.
Can you still lay it in there
anywhere you want to?
I sure can.
Can you still catch
it anywhere I lay it?
I sure can.
All right then. Go long.
Yes, son, this ball
means everything to me.
Not that you and what's-her-name
and what's-her-name
haven't brought me great joy.
[WHISPERING] But I'm glad
we're talking here alone, son.
I don't want the
others to be jealous.
Well, there's no need to
whisper, Dad, because, uh,
they heard you were coming
home from the hospital today,
so they went to a movie.
That's good. That's good, son,
because we can have this
private moment together.
I went through hell to get
this ball, but it was worth it.
Because now I'm
going to leave you,
my only begotten son...
my Joe Nuxhall baseball card.
Well, what about your football?
My football? Are you insane?
I'm going to leave this
to the only one I truly love:
me.
No, Bud...
I'm going to be buried
with all my football stuff.
So, what do we get?
[SHUTTER CLICKS]
[♪♪♪]
[ALL LAUGHING]
Here we go. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[LAUGHING]
See. See.
That was a great
family day. Yeah.
Thanks for taking
us with you, Al.
Why don't we do this
more often, Daddy?
Well, it's not every
day an uncle dies,
and the coroner
forgets to lock his house.
[ALL LAUGHING]
It teaches you a lot about
human nature, though.
I wouldn't have believe
that kind of greed existed
if I didn't see it
with my own eyes.
Those vultures.
Like your cousin, Sheila,
trying to take
both of these TVs.
Mmm.
Boy, the nerve of some people.
So kids, how'd you do?
Now, wait a minute. That
wasn't in Uncle Joe's closet.
I know, but there were too
many people stealing in there,
so I went upstairs
to his wife's room.
But she's still alive.
Well, she should have
thought of that before I took it.
Look what I got.
Gold tooth.
Uh, that's not
really gold, honey.
It's just yellow.
In fact, we call
it "Bundy yellow."
Show him, honey.
Damn.
Great, now I have nothing.
Well, cheer up, son.
I hear Aunt Addie's real sick.
Oh-ho-ho!
You mean the one with
the really nice lamp?
Oh, I'd love to have that.
Maybe for my birthday?
Consider it done.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Hey, what'd you get, Daddy?
The only thing I
wanted, pumpkin.
That is, beside from
Uncle Joe's mistress.
I got Uncle Joe's watch.
Uncle Joe always wanted
me to have this watch.
He told me so the last
time I saw him alive.
I was, uh, 7.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oop. I'll get it. I wish
Uncle Joe had died
before I spent $12.95
on this stupid watch.
Hello, Aunt Heather.
Uh...
We, uh... We missed
you at the take.
I-I mean, at the wake.
We were so sorry to
hear of his passing.
Yes, your grief was evident
as you tried to bite
the ring off his finger.
I was kissing his hand.
I loved the man, damn it.
Well, keep your memories then,
and give me back
everything you jackals looted.
It all belongs to me.
Who says?
My lawyer. Fork over the watch.
Well, he wanted me
to have this watch.
Uh, he probably
even said so in his will.
Mmm.
He didn't have a will,
so it all goes to me.
Give me the watch.
What, you want this watch?
You think you can get it?
Well, come on and get it.
Well, come on, lawyer boy.
You want a little piece of this?
Don't push it, Bundy.
There's laws in this
town against stealing.
Not to mention overflowing
a dead man's toilet.
Thank you.
And you should all be
ashamed of yourselves.
[TEARFULLY] All I
have left of poor Joe.
Come on, babe, the
hock shops close at 6.
We'll send the police
for the rest of this stuff.
We got a plane
to catch to Bimini.
Toodles.
God, your relatives are scum.
You know, he really did
want me to have that watch.
What idiot would
be so thoughtless
as to not leave a will?
Do you have a will, Daddy?
Well, no, but, uh...
I will have one after today.
I don't want this to
happen to me if I die.
I shall gather all
of my belongings.
I've worked for 25 years.
I've lived and I've loved.
Later on, I even married.
All that is mine shall
be divided among you.
I have nothing.
Oh, now, come on, Dad.
I wouldn't call a 45 of
"Under the Boardwalk..."
and a baseball card
of Joe Nuxhall nothing.
Yeah, and...
a copy of Sports
Hijinks on Beta.
Peg, how could this possibly be?
I've worked for 25 years,
I've amassed nothing.
Oh, honey, it's not your fault.
You could've been rich.
You just never had the break.
Or the brains, or the skill,
or the initiative,
or even the mindless
charm some get by on.
[CHUCKLES]
Feel better, snookums?
Kids, give Daddy a kiss.
He's not dead yet.
Well, he's close enough for me.
I'm still going to write a will.
Now, get me a pencil and paper.
I wanna list all my
worldly possessions.
I said, all my
worldly possessions.
[GROANS]
Peg, don't you understand
this is important to me?
How would you remember
me if I died tomorrow?
As a lover.
A father.
A provider.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Come on, Daddy, why
aren't you joining in?
Well, because you're
making fun of me.
Oh.
Come on, kids,
let's leave your daddy
alone to write his will.
Gee, I hope I
get his toilet seat.
Don't be greedy, Bud.
You're already
getting his hairline.
[PEG AND KELLY LAUGHING]
See? Now we're laughing at Bud.
Why am I making out a will?
Buck, I'm leaving
everything to you.
BUCK: Aruba, here I come.
[GROANS]
Hi, Al. I heard your uncle died.
Uh... you wanna go out
for a drink or anything?
Well, later, after you've left.
Let me ask you something. Mmm.
What would you have to leave
if you died tomorrow?
Good-looking corpse.
[LAUGHING]
I'm sorry, Al. I didn't
mean to rub your face in it.
What are you doing? Hmm?
I'm making out a will.
I have lots of
material possessions.
Oh! Hey. Joe Nuxhall.
We used to make
little boats out of these
and sail them into the
sewer. Hey, uh, yeah, now!
I, unlike you,
have provided for my future.
No, I was just
thinking, you know,
something else to leave behind.
You know, something that...
Something that identifies
Al Bundy, the man.
Uh, you've got plenty.
I know that.
Could you give me an example?
Hey, you got all
those gold teeth.
And you were a football star
in high school, weren't you?
I mean, I wish my
kids could grow up
saying I was a football star.
Well, they will, 'cause
obviously I'll lie to them.
But... it-it would be
nice to actually have
the mementos like you do.
That's it! What?
My mistake was I was
looking at my life in the present.
I should have been
looking at my life pre-Peg.
My football mementos.
That's what says Al Bundy
was really here. Yeah!
I'll give Peg my
old football jersey.
Good old number
33. It'll be good for her,
because that's how old she
can tell her next husband she is.
[LAUGHS]
And then I can give
my old MVP trophy
to Kelly to go along with hers.
Although... Although,
for the life of me,
I can't figure out how
she got a football trophy
having never played the game.
And then there's Bud. Uh...
Can you loan me a nickel?
I won't lend it to you,
but I'll trade you
even for your Dodge.
[LAUGHING]
Come on, Al. I mean, surely
you've got something else
from your football days
to leave to your son.
I do.
I do.
My game ball...
from the greatest day
in anyone's lifetime.
The day that I scored
four touchdowns.
Yeah. My game ball.
That is what I shall
leave to my only son,
the carrier of the
Bundy seed and name.
And from the looks
of things, the last.
He shall get the most special
thing I ever had in my life.
It's perfect. Where is it?
I gave it to some cheerleader
I was Bundyfying at the time.
So I'll get it back from her.
We had something
very special between us,
me and, uh,
whatever her name was.
Peg? Peg, let me
ask you a question.
Do you remember the name
of that cute little cheerleader
I was crazy about
before I got drunk,
woke up married to you?
Why, yes, I do.
In fact, I remember this rhyme
that everyone used
to say about her:
If you wanna get
drunk Get some brandy.
If you want a social
disease Just call Sandy.
Sandy... Sandy
Jorgenson. Thank you, Peg.
Why do you wanna know?
Huh? Oh, well...
No, Peg, uh, Jefferson
was wondering
who my second-favorite
girl in high school was.
[CHUCKLES]
[CHUCKLES]
I wish I could remember
who my first-favorite was.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
So, what if she's unlisted?
This is about a
football, damn it!
A man would give
me the number. Hello?
You just spent 25
cents on a phone call
to retrieve a football
worth 10 cents,
to leave to your son.
Although, I know a pigskin will
forever remind him of his dad.
There's just one
thing I wanna know.
Oh, sure, Marcie. The part
with the cups go in front.
Uh, present company
excluded, of course.
[MEN LAUGHING]
You better watch it, Al,
if you want us to
keep coming over.
Look, Al.
I hate to interject sanity
into your quest
for the Holy Fail...
but if you seriously
wanna find this person,
then why don't you
call a detective agency?
I mean, there are
some that specialize
in finding missing persons.
She's beautiful and resourceful.
Well, I went to one once
to find an old boyfriend.
Six feet, good-looking,
and a perfect 10, if
you know what I mean.
Oh, God, I never had it so good.
The things he made me do.
The things he made me feel.
Everyone since then
has just been an empty
shadow in comparison.
Well, not everyone.
My ex-husband,
Steve, was pretty good.
Marcie, you wouldn't
happen to have
that detective's number handy?
Don't be ridiculous.
Why would she...?
Sure do. Right here.
Well, don't look
at me like that.
It was just a
coincidence that I had it.
I have no need of a lost
love when I have you.
I am great, aren't I?
Sure.
What do you mean,
"sure"? Just last night,
you called me Captain Kaboom.
Would you have
preferred Private Noodle?
Hey.
Hey, Al's gonna
think you're serious.
[CHUCKLES]
Ah, it... It's just a
little code we have.
It means there's a
party in her pants,
and I'm the guest of honor.
[MUTTERING]
Oh, yeah, hello. Yes.
Uh, I'm looking for a
girl I gave a football to,
that I scored four
touchdowns with.
Uh, yes, I-I'm Al Bundy.
Polk High, yes.
Yes, I was number 33.
Yes, I-I do have a
problem with foot odor.
Peg, get off the extension!
I'm trying to make
a call out here!
WOMAN: Come in.
Sandy?
Hiya, Al.
Sandy?
Do you like what you see?
Well, uh, I don't know,
I haven't been able
to take it all in yet.
You know something, Al...
I think you look even better now
than you did in high school.
[LAUGHS] Ah,
incredible, isn't it?
So, Touchdown...
what have you been doing
with yourself since high school?
I mean, the last time I saw you,
you were taking a summer
job as a shoe-store man.
[LAUGHING]
Yeah, you said you wanted to buy
some new
carburetors for your car.
What ever happened to
that old Dodge of yours?
[LAUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY]
Well, let's not talk
about the past, okay?
I'm a live-for-today kinda
guy. You know what I mean?
Oh, you mean...
we can't talk about
your old football days?
Well, I mean, uh, if that
makes you feel better.
[SIGHS]
Watching you in motion back then
always made me feel better.
So, Touchdown...
are you just as good
as you always were?
Well, I haven't
gotten any complaints,
if you know what I mean.
[LAUGHING]
Show it to me,
Al! Let me see it!
Well, it wasn't...
It isn't quite what it was.
I'll be the judge of
that. Let me see it!
Well, I can't see any harm.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Oh!
You still got it, Touchdown!
Yeah, well, where's it
gonna go, you know?
[CHUCKLES]
[CLEARS THROAT]
Al...
I know why you're here.
Now, Sandy, before
you go any further,
I'd like to say something:
You're hurting me.
[LAUGHS]
No, I'm not kidding.
You're hurting me.
Now, take your leg
off, or I'll sock you one.
Oh, Al.
Hey...
did you ever regret
breaking up with me
right before the
homecoming dance?
You know what I want, Al.
Well, what, a huge McNugget?
I want that dance you owe me.
Now, Sandy, you
know I never danced
unless it was gonna
get some sex for me.
AL: Oh, that didn't
open an ugly door, did it?
Oh, come on, Al.
At least promise me a
dance if our song comes on.
You remember "Blue Velvet."
Well, okay. But only
if that song comes on.
[BOBBY VINTON'S
"BLUE VELVET" PLAYING]
♪ Blue Velvet ♪
That's a good one, God.
♪ She wore blue velvet ♪
♪ Bluer than velvet
Was the night ♪
♪ Softer than satin
Was the light ♪
All right. There, that's...
[CHUCKLING]
Now, wasn't that nice, Al?
Uh... Oh, boy-de-oh-do.
Uh, let's, uh... Let's
sit back over here.
♪ One, two, three
o'clock Four o'clock rock ♪
♪ Five, six, seven o'clock
Eight o'clock, rock ♪
♪ Nine, ten, eleven o'clock
Twelve o'clock, rock ♪
♪ We're gonna rock
around The clock tonight ♪
♪ Put your glad rags
on And join me, hon ♪
Just like old times, huh, Al?
Oh, man.
♪ Rock around
The clock tonight ♪
♪ We're gonna rock, rock,
rock 'Til broad daylight ♪
♪ We're gonna rock, gonna
rock Around the clock tonight ♪
♪ When the clock strikes
two Three and four ♪
♪ If the band slows
down We'll yell for more ♪
♪ We're gonna rock
around The clock tonight ♪
♪ We're gonna rock, rock, rock
[GROANING]
♪ We're gonna rock... ♪
[GRUNTING]
Oh, Al, no more dance-y?
Yeah. No more spine-y.
Oh, my poor Touchdown.
Would him like a back rub?
Well, you know, Sandy,
what I'd really like... Ahh!
Ow! Oh!
You know, Sandy,
this might be a good
time to ask you something.
What is it, Al?
What do you want?
My football.
Your football?
You mean, the game ball?
Gee, Al...
giving me that ball
was what let me know
I was special to you.
Yeah, I know, so
could I have it back?
I wanna give it
to somebody else.
Well, well. Heh, heh.
And here I thought
the guy who dumped me 20
years ago was crawling back.
Huh! I should have known.
All he wanted was his football.
Well, all right, Al.
I'll give it back to you...
on one condition.
Oh, all right.
No, no. The moment has passed.
I was just...
I guess I was just
kind of remembering
how you and I used to
play catch with it at the park.
Could I at least throw
you one last pass,
just to remember
the good times by?
Well, sure, if it'll help take
the edge off, you know,
watching the big guy
walk out of your life
for the second time.
Can you still lay it in there
anywhere you want to?
I sure can.
Can you still catch
it anywhere I lay it?
I sure can.
All right then. Go long.
Yes, son, this ball
means everything to me.
Not that you and what's-her-name
and what's-her-name
haven't brought me great joy.
[WHISPERING] But I'm glad
we're talking here alone, son.
I don't want the
others to be jealous.
Well, there's no need to
whisper, Dad, because, uh,
they heard you were coming
home from the hospital today,
so they went to a movie.
That's good. That's good, son,
because we can have this
private moment together.
I went through hell to get
this ball, but it was worth it.
Because now I'm
going to leave you,
my only begotten son...
my Joe Nuxhall baseball card.
Well, what about your football?
My football? Are you insane?
I'm going to leave this
to the only one I truly love:
me.
No, Bud...
I'm going to be buried
with all my football stuff.
So, what do we get?
[SHUTTER CLICKS]
[♪♪♪]