Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 6, Episode 12 - So This Is How Sinatra Felt - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

MAN [ON TV]: We'll be right back
with our winning lottery numbers.

Don't forget, this week's
jackpot is up to $32 million.

[ALL GASP]

Oh, $32 million.

Boy, that's a lot of money,
even split three ways.

Aren't we forgetting someone?

Oh, God, I'm so embarrassed.

I mean four ways.

Of course we'll
give some to Buck.

I know what I'm
gonna do with mine.



I'm gonna share mine with
the poor and unfortunate.

Yup, the poor unfortunate babes

who haven't yet
experienced waking up

with a Bud in their hands.

Well, at least you have.

Besides, I don't think
you deserve a full share.

I mean, after all, you were
left on our doorstep by trolls.

Well, at least when I was born
and the doctor spanked me,

I cried instead of saying,
"Thanks. I like it rough."

Mom, did I talk to the
doctor when I was born?

Of course not, honey.

You didn't learn to
talk until you were 10.

Now, kids, I want you
to be nice to each other.

I'm not always gonna
be around, you know,



especially if these
numbers come up.

They're flashing the
numbers, they're flashing.

Read 'em, Bud, read 'em!

Okay.

We got a seven. Yeah.

Sixteen. Yeah.

Eighteen. Yeah.

Twenty-two. Yeah.

Twenty-eight. Yeah.

And 34. Yeah.

How many did we get?

None.

God, nothing for
12 weeks in a row.

Is that some kind
of a record, Mom?

[CHUCKLES]

Not for me.

My child.

My child.

My God.

Al, this is the third day in a
row you've come home happy.

Now, I just had a
physical, and I'm fine.

So, what are you so happy about?

What if I said that I've
come to grips with my job

and I've come to appreciate

what the three of
you mean to my life?

We'd say you were lying.

And you'd be right.

[GIGGLES]

Al, spit it out. What is it?

All right. I guess it can't
do any harm to tell you.

A pretty girl has come into
the store every day this week

and flirted with me.

[GIGGLES]

I think she likes me.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

I'm not kidding.
She's a shoe groupie.

BOTH: "Shoe groupie"?

What's so funny
about a shoe groupie?

Nothing, Dad.

A lot of people think rock
stars get the best groupies,

but now it's clear.

Nothing gets 'em antsy like
a shoehorn in your pantsy.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

That's funny, Mom.

What's wrong, Mom?

Your father's cheating on me.

I am not.

I know you are.

You waited until I was a tad
over 30 and you cheated on me.

I have two things to tell you:

I would never cheat on you.

And if you think you're
just a tad over 30,

then I was just a tad
drunk at our wedding.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, all right, if
it bothers you,

I won't mention my groupie.

It's no big deal.

Yes!

Kids, I have to know the truth.

I also have to go
to the bathroom,

so I'll make this quick.

I want you to break into the
shoe store tomorrow morning

and spy on everything
your father does.

Okay, we'll do it, Mom,

but I'm telling you, he
is not cheating on you.

[WATER RUNNING]

What's that sound?

Oh, my God.

It's the shower.

Uh-oh. He's bathing.

She's lost him.

Oh...

Isn't there a better
place to hide?

I mean, he has to come here
every time he sells a shoe.

Sorry.

Well, this should
be interesting.

I always wondered
what Dad does all day.

Open for business.

[GROANS]

Quite an advertisement
for college, eh, Kel?

What do you mean?

God, he hasn't moved.

Three dollars and
twenty-five cents an hour.

How can they afford to pay him?

Oh, wait, I think he's moving.

All aboard!

[IMITATING TRAIN WHISTLE]

[CHUCKLES]

BOTH: It's the
groupie, it's the groupie!

Sir.

Take a number.

What is your number?

One.

May I serve you?
What is your number?

I want my money back.

Oes you sold me? What
are as useless to me

as a comb is to you.

I've only worn them once,
and they split at the sides.

Well, let mest like an elevator.

There's a 2-ton weight
limit on these shoes.

What say I nail the
soles directly to your feet?

It'll give you more traction

when you're pulling
the ice wagon.

You'll be hearing
from my attorney.

Is that the law offices
of Häagen and Dazs?

Serving Number 2.

Number 2?

Oh, God.

Well, Kel, I think we
can go home now.

The only person Dad's
cheating on Mom with is death.

Excuse me, but that
must be my dinner.

Easy now, Hoppity.

She's not Buck. She'll run away.

You're lookin'
handsome today, Al.

[GIBBERS]

[GIGGLES]

I brought you some muffins.

[GIBBERS]

Yum. Mm-mm-mm.

As pretty as you are.

God, it is disgusting
what a woman

in a short skirt
can do to a man.

Could you show me
something in a 4-inch heel?

I can.

[GIGGLES]

Hey, now.

Now, how does that feel?

Like heaven.

I love to see a
man on all fours.

You know, I've felt a
lot of hands on my feet,

but yours are so
strong yet so yielding.

That's high school football.

See, when I was on the team

and the play called for a
strong but yielding hand...

I don't want to
hear about football.

Tell me something exciting.

Tell me about selling shoes.

All right.

I remember a cold
day, winter of '68.

I was just a young heel then.

[CHUCKLES]

Don't stop, baby.

You know, Bud,

she just may be
the shoe groupie.

You're gonna make some guy
a fine end table one day, Kel.

So I looked her right
in the foot and I said:

"I don't need no
stinking shoe-sizer.

You're a Size 7, baby."

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, God.

Yes, I know. I know.

Bud, we've got a real
problem. How do we tell Mom?

And do we tell Mom?

[GIGGLING]

[SIGHS]

Hi, Mom. Hi, Mom.

Well, what'd you
find? What'd you find?

BUD [NARRATING]: Let's see.

She deserves to know.

But then she'll be mad at Dad.

And she'll be hurt.

Do I betray Dad without
hearing his side of the story?

What a dilemma.

I wonder what Kelly's thinking.

BULLWINKLE: Eenie-meenie chili
beanie, the spirits are about to speak.

ROCKY: Are they
friendly spirits, Bullwinkle?

Well, kids, did
you find anything?

Well, he sat there for hours.
He went to the bathroom.

He looked at his watch,
and he insulted a fat woman.

Oh, and, uh, don't
forget the pretty woman

who was all over him.

Oh, yeah. And that.
But nothing happened.

Yeah, they didn't have
intercourse or anything.

Just tickled her feet and
ate her muffins, and she left.

Oh, my God.

It's not just sex?

He's eating with her too?

Don't worry, Mom. It's nothing.

I mean, Bud's done
more with a girl.

Bud.

What'd she look like, Kelly?

Well, she's...
Well, wait a second.

Put this groupie thing
aside for a second.

Now, you know damn
well I've had more women...

Al, you can forget about
having sex with me ever again.

I already did.

What'd I do?

You were seen eating the
muffins of your mistress.

I think it's time for
us to get out of here.

No, seriously, I've
had plenty of babes.

Yeah, you just don't
see 'em 'cause I like

to keep my sex to myself.

Oh, and you're doing a good job.

No one's guessed
what your sex is yet.

Well, Al, you wanna
explain yourself?

Well, ahem, I left high
school and lost the will to live.

And here I am.

What are we talking about?

You cheated on me
with that shoe groupie.

Oh, is that what
this is all about?

I never touched her.
Look, she likes me.

I can't help that. I
can't hide what I've got.

It's not my fault if my butt has
the classic shoe-man shape.

Molded from years of
getting down, getting up,

getting down, until it's
the firm, round apple

you see before you.

You may as well
blame the bird for flying.

We've heard all about it.

Now, if anyone wants to talk,

I think you know that I can
be a calm and objective ear.

Well, I'd like to say
some... Out of my way, pig.

I know these must
be trying times for you.

Come tell me everything.

I can be a good
shoulder to cry on.

Oh, Marcie, I'm so upset.

Into the mike, hon.

The girls at the beauty
parlor have a right to know.

I feel so betrayed.

Am I speaking loud enough?

Al, I just want you to know
that I'm not prejudging you.

Well, thanks, buddy.

So how was she?

I never touched her.

So she did all the
work? God, I love that.

And that's not all.

He ate muffins. He never
eats anything I make.

I tell you, if I'd ever actually
done anything for him,

I'd be feeling
the fool right now.

Hi, Betty. Hi, Mavis.
I'll see you on Tuesday.

[CHUCKLING]

Anyhow, I'm hurt. Hurt, I say.

Does anyone wanna
hear my side of this?

No need.

You, sir, are a
cheat and a liar.

Now, I have the name
of a woman attorney

who will chew Al
up and spit him out.

That's who I would use to
bleach my husband's bones

if he so much as even
looked at another woman

while he was wearing my brand.

Isn't that right, cinnamon buns?

That would only be
fair, bonbon bottom.

I see now I have to kill her.

All right, that's enough.

Now, I have a little
announcement.

Now, I can understand
why you all would think

that I was cheating on my wife.

After all, she did
bear my children.

KELLY: ♪ Bud and
nobody Sitting in a tree ♪

♪ K-I... Something, something
Something, something, G ♪

But I am a man of my word,
and I say I did not cheat.

Now I expect
apologies from all of you.

Which one's gonna be first?

Very nice.

If Buck could talk
he'd take my side.

BUCK: If I could talk, I would
have gotten the Carson job.

May the shoe
business take you all.

I shall now take my leave.

And none of you have earned
the right to look at my heinie.

They all think I'm
guilty. I should've done it.

I got a good mind to go
back to the shoe store,

eat some muffins,
and before I fall asleep,

give her the best 30
seconds of her life.

Opportunity never
comes when you want it.

Take me, shoe man.

[CRIES OUT]

How'd you get in here?

A ladder.

It was hanging outside
your daughter's window.

Are you wearing
anything under there?

Just a pair of high heels.

Now, look here, miss, I won't...

I won't stand that
kind of behavior.

This is a sex-free
house, and by golly,

it will be for the
rest of my life.

Talk shoe to me.

It was a warm day in August.

The shoeboxes were
throbbing... No, no, I can't.

I'm married to a woman named...

s-something.

You're gonna have to leave.

There's nothing you can
do that'll make me leave.

Now, I don't wanna
get tough with you, miss,

but you leave me no choice.

Oh, take off the
socks. The socks.

PEG: Al, do you have
your shoes off up there?

There are people breathing
down here, for God's sake.

She doesn't deserve
a man like you.

Try me on for size.

Uh, Peg!

Peg!

Peg!

Peg!

What is it, Al?

Nothing.

Where's Marcie and Jefferson?

In my anger, I let it slip out

that you still cry at
the end of Bambi.

They're out spreading the word.

I thought we had a trust.

Well, so did I, cheater.

Peg. We have to talk.

Well, I don't know what
we have to talk about.

I can understand those
other times you cheated.

That 10-cents-a-week raise
you pocketed for yourself

back in '72.

Those M&M's that you had
hidden in the aspirin bottle.

Yup. I know about that.

But this is different, Al.
How could you do this to me?

Especially when you
know how sensitive I am.

Ow.

Now, listen, Peg.

If I was ever gonna leave
you, it wouldn't be for a woman.

I don't want another woman.

We might have
another TV, though.

You know what I'd really like,

one of those
picture-in-a-picture jobs.

Sometimes they got a game on

at the same time they
got a good hooter movie.

And...

flipping back and forth
between the channels

makes me kind of... anxious.

Oh, well, maybe some other time.

Anyhow, I never have,
nor will I ever cheat on you.

Really, Al?

Really, Peg.

But I did have the opportunity.

Well, what stopped you?

I don't know.

Well, I do.

It's because we've been
married for 20 years.

We have 20 years of
the same memories.

Same disappointments.
The same life.

Anyone else would've
left us by now.

But we can't, and we never will

'cause you know that we
were meant for each other.

Oh, my God, that is it.

I've never been so depressed.

Oh, Al, you do love
me. Give me a kiss.

Oh, Peg, you know
I've warned you before

about touching me.

Come on, honey,
let's go upstairs.

Oh, why not?

Already hit rock bottom.

[MOUTHS] Wait a minute.

What is it, Al?

Um, can't go upstairs.

Why not? Um...

Because I'm so hot, I
want you here, right now.

Oh, Al.

[GIGGLES]

Let me just get
comfortable. All right.

No, sweetheart, I...
I wanna cuddle first.

Oh.

Al, honey, tell me something,

were you ever
tempted by that woman?

You know, even a little bit?

[WEAKLY] No.

'Cause you know, at your age,

that was probably
your last chance.

[PEG CHUCKLES]

I know.

[♪♪♪]