Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 6, Episode 11 - Al Bundy, Shoe Dick - full transcript
Al dreams he's a detective on the verge of a big case.
You stink.
Why'd you turn down that job?
What job?
Well, the job I dreamed
Lee Iacocca offered you
when he came
into the shoe store.
You're mad at me for
something I did in a dream?
Well, you don't do
anything when I'm awake.
Al, put down the
book. I'm goin' to sleep.
Why don't you get a second job?
You know, lots of families
are two-income families.
Uh, you see, Peg, two
incomes means that two people,
you know, in the
same family, work.
Well, I don't have two
husbands in this family.
Oh, come on, Al.
It would just mean you have
to work eight hours more a day.
I mean, you waste more
time than that sleeping.
Peg, see my face?
This is the face of a man
who sells shoes all day long.
Now, look at my face
the way it would look
if I had another job.
Well, I can live with that.
Oh, come on, honey.
If you don't do it for me,
just think of Kelly and Bud.
Aren't they worth
another eight hours?
Kids!
The defense rests.
Get out.
To conclude:
Peg, you can stab
me with knives.
You can beat me with clubs.
You can make me open my
eyes while we're havin' sex.
But believe me, Peg,
there is nothing
you can do or say
that will ever make me
consider getting another job.
Oh.
I forgot to tell ya, honey.
I joined the
Record-of-the-Month Club,
so we have to cut back on
a few household expenses.
Dad, the phone's dead!
Don't worry, I'll call them.
Yeah?
I came for the job.
It can get rough.
I played high school football.
So you think you can handle it?
What do you think?
Let's give it a try.
Bathroom's in there.
Good luck.
Get that too.
Boy, to be a private eye.
Babes and bullets
flyin' around everywhere.
Good chance that one
of them might hit you.
I'd be a great private eye. Yep.
Al Bundy, trouble
is my business.
I carry a mop. I clean
a detective's bathroom.
Oh, God!
Mr. Dallas?
I want to live!
What?
No, I... I me... I sai...
I said my name is, uh, Al Bundy.
I'm, uh... Jack
Dallas' new partner.
Sit down and show me
your tail. I mean, tell me...
Tell me your tale.
It all started a few months ago.
She was a sultry dame.
Dressed to the nines,
except for a pair
of cheap pumps.
And man, was she a looker.
She had more curves than
the Matterhorn at Disneyland.
And there didn't appear
to be any Japanese tourists
standing in line ahead
of me, waitin' for the ride.
She was some dish,
hot as my neighbor's dinner.
By the way, why
don't I ever eat dinner?
Oh, well, that's another case.
Oh, my God, she's
crossing her legs.
So, what do you
think, Mr. Bundy?
What?
About my problem.
I guess I should
have been listening.
Hm, how would a
real PI handle this?
I know.
What?
My uncle, the great explorer,
Colonel Franklin Van Pelt,
is about to bequeath
the famous diamond
known as the Pharaoh's
Eye to a member of my family.
I know he's going
to leave it to me.
So do all of my other relatives.
I need you to be at
the family ceremony,
and protect me in my bequest.
Will you take the
case, Mr. Bundy?
Cross your legs
the other way, baby.
Mr. Bundy?
What?
The case, will you take it?
I need your help desperately.
I wanted to tell her the truth,
but one look into
her troubled thighs...
and I knew I had to play
this out to the bitter end.
Or at least until I
saw some hooter.
I don't have much to offer.
How does a hundred bucks sound?
Oh, I'll pay.
So this was my case,
protecting the babe
from her family.
They were an ugly bunch,
but the old man, the colonel,
seemed like a decent guy.
I think he felt a
bond between us.
I guess I should pay
attention to what he's saying.
What? Your foot is on my cat.
Oh!
Sorry.
I'll be right back.
I'm just going to get
my coat out of the car.
Uncle keeps it just
freezing in here.
As I watched her
leave, I suddenly realized
who really did put the
"bomp" in the "bomp-sh-bomp."
Uh-oh.
I think I said that out loud.
Oh, well.
I looked over the family.
You could tell they
hate the old guy.
Sure, he was payin' the bills,
but from the look
of Vanessa's shoes,
he was as tight as the
skin on Joan Rivers' face.
But if they feared or hated
me, they sure hid it well.
All right, you fruits
and vegetables,
It's time now to see which
one of you pond scum
will get the prize of
the Van Pelt family.
Oh, uncle,
we don't care about the jewel.
We just want
you to live forever.
Nice set of lips to reach
my heinie from there.
Oh, that's a good one,
Colonel Van Sanders.
Who are you?
Your worst nightmare,
a shoe man with a badge.
No.
My worst nightmare is a
hooker with cold hands.
Well, I won't keep you
ferrets waiting any longer.
The new owner
of the Pharaoh's Eye
shall be...
Who turned the lights out?
Who's touching my breasts?
Don't shoot me, I'm
a shoe salesman!
What's happened?
Nobody move.
I suspect everyone,
and I suspect no one.
What're you lookin' at?
Oh, Mama.
He killed our beloved uncle. Oh.
And worse yet, he's
stolen the Pharaoh's Eye.
Oh, Mama!
So let me get this straight.
Now, you went for
a job as a janitor,
you took a case as
a private detective,
and now you're
wanted for murder?
Essentially.
Well, then can I have
my allowance now?
I'm wanted for
murder, you dolts.
Any second now, the cops
are gonna track me down
and send me to the hoosegow.
I could use a little help.
I have a plan, Daddy.
It would be you, pumpkin.
Now, Daddy, the cops
are probably watching
the airports and
the train stations
and the bus stations, right?
Well, there is one way out.
You could dig a hole to China.
I saw Bugs Bunny do it once.
Daffy never found him.
Pumpkin, if Daddy
gets the chair,
would you sit in his
lap one last time?
I'd be honored.
Uh, look, Dad, it's obvious
you cannot hide out here.
Why? Why? You figure
this is the first place
the cops'll come?
No, I got a girl coming over,
and quite frankly,
you embarrass me.
Al, Al. I just heard
it on the radio.
There's a $50,000
reward on your head.
We've gotta act fast.
Here, put on this hat.
Put on this coat.
Put on this cuff.
I've got him! Come in and shoot!
Shoot!
Shoot him! Shoot
him with your guns!
So I ran.
You would too if you
had a price on your head
and a bad burrito in your belly.
It's amazing how
many locked bathrooms
there are in Chicago at night.
I was tired of runnin'.
I knew what I had to do.
I think you have a little
plumbing problem in there.
Anyhow...
I called you all
together here tonight
because I knew that the one
person who had the diamond
would not be here.
But we're all here.
Then forget I said that.
What I meant to say
was that the killer...
is you.
And just what do
you base that on?
Absolutely nothing.
Which is why the culprit is you.
Sorry, dick,
it's well-known that I'm
deathly afraid of the dark.
I was frozen in place.
Who touched my breasts?
It was me. I had to
check out your story.
Which brings us to you.
You plunged the knife
in your uncle's back,
and then snatched the
diamond with your free hand.
One gets to meet
so few true fools.
Which only leaves the killer...
you.
Come on, Leonard, admit it.
You were the criminal mastermind
that put this intricate
criminal plot together.
Now what do you have to say?
Daddy?
Okay.
Gee, then maybe it was me.
I'm sorry, Al.
I wanted to believe you.
I'm calling the police.
Freeze, baby.
Where were you when
the lights went out?
I was outside in the rain.
Were you?
I prefer to think
that you're the killer.
My God. I don't believe it.
That's ridiculous.
You have no proof.
Oh, don't I?
Sit down.
Yum.
I say that you never
did go outside that night.
That you waited by the
door for the right moment,
hit the light switch,
dumped the vase
on yourself to get wet,
and stabbed your uncle!
You still haven't
proved anything.
Like the man in the stall
said to the man waiting,
"Give me time, baby."
When we met, I couldn't
help but notice your shoes,
the same shoes you have on now.
I used to sell shoes.
For years.
Well, when I was a teenager,
but not when I'm grown up,
because a real man
wouldn't have a job like that.
And I, uh, recognized
these shoes,
the Malaysian A220 Stilettos.
So cheap that the only
ones who wear them
are beggars and
wives of shoe salesmen.
You couldn't have gone outside
that night, or any other night,
because these shoes
are so cheaply constructed
that they fall apart on
contact with water, like this:
Well, baby...
what have you got to say?
I did it!
Really? You're kidding.
No. I hated him.
And I hated all of you.
He was going to give
the diamond to a museum.
I would have got that for you.
You were incredible.
You broke me.
Take her away, lieutenant.
They'll probably put
me away for 20 years.
Will you wait for me?
What for? You'll be old.
Good work, Mr. Bundy.
I'm the curator for the
Museum of Natural History.
As a reward, I'd
like to present you
with this check for $50,000.
He looked at me strangely.
Maybe it was because he wasn't
expecting me to take the check.
Or maybe it was because
he wasn't expecting me
to soil my underwear.
I guess I'll never know.
Fifty thousand dollars!
Fifty thousand dollars!
Fifty thousand dollars.
It's real, it's real.
What?
Al, you're makin' happy
noises in your sleep.
Thought there might
be somethin' wrong.
Wait a s...
Wait a second.
Where's the $50,000
that I brought home?
You know, for solving the
case of the Pharaoh's Eye?
Say what?
It couldn't have been a dream.
It couldn't have been a dream.
Uh, honey, maybe I'd
better get you an aspirin.
We can lay here
and solve the case
of the wife who
isn't gettin' any.
But it... But it can't be
a dream. It just can't!
Kids!
Bud, quick.
Was I a detective wanted
for murder, or was it a dream?
Just might have
been a dream, Dad.
Do you call yourself "Street
Rapper Grandmaster B,"
or was that a dream?
Oh, come on, Daddy.
Even Bud's not
pathetic enough to...
Wait a sec, Grandmaster B?
The chicks would be all over me.
I could wear my hat backwards.
Oh, man, I'm gonna go
write my first rap right now.
How about callin' it
"Yo, I'm Really a Boy"?
Peg, tell 'em it wasn't a dream.
Uh, honey, I'm gonna
go get you those aspirin.
I think I'll make it a double.
I hate you.
Kids, that's enough. Hold
it. I hate you! I hate you!
Kids!
One quick question,
and that's all.
Is your mother, uh...?
Repulsed by you?
Disappointed financially
and sexually by you?
No.
I don't care about
that, you dolts.
Is she pregnant?
Marcie?
You think he's crazy?
Well, he must be. He
didn't ask about you.
Well, honey, I just took
the last of the aspirins.
I figured you'd
just get a headache
when you go to work.
Ohhh.
Now, what's that for?
Well, you dreamt
you had $50,000,
and yet you still
came home to me.
That says a lot. Says
that you really do love me.
What would I dream that for?
'Cause you do!
I do not.
Do too!
No, it's just that, uh,
it's too late now for
me to get anybody else.
Well, now, see,
that wasn't so hard.
Awww.
Peggy wuvs her
detective pooh bear.
Pooh!
Gee, honey, you know
what I wanna do now?
The same thing I wanna do?
Well, let's get to it.
You get the paper
plates, I'll order the pizza.
Oh, baby!
Why'd you turn down that job?
What job?
Well, the job I dreamed
Lee Iacocca offered you
when he came
into the shoe store.
You're mad at me for
something I did in a dream?
Well, you don't do
anything when I'm awake.
Al, put down the
book. I'm goin' to sleep.
Why don't you get a second job?
You know, lots of families
are two-income families.
Uh, you see, Peg, two
incomes means that two people,
you know, in the
same family, work.
Well, I don't have two
husbands in this family.
Oh, come on, Al.
It would just mean you have
to work eight hours more a day.
I mean, you waste more
time than that sleeping.
Peg, see my face?
This is the face of a man
who sells shoes all day long.
Now, look at my face
the way it would look
if I had another job.
Well, I can live with that.
Oh, come on, honey.
If you don't do it for me,
just think of Kelly and Bud.
Aren't they worth
another eight hours?
Kids!
The defense rests.
Get out.
To conclude:
Peg, you can stab
me with knives.
You can beat me with clubs.
You can make me open my
eyes while we're havin' sex.
But believe me, Peg,
there is nothing
you can do or say
that will ever make me
consider getting another job.
Oh.
I forgot to tell ya, honey.
I joined the
Record-of-the-Month Club,
so we have to cut back on
a few household expenses.
Dad, the phone's dead!
Don't worry, I'll call them.
Yeah?
I came for the job.
It can get rough.
I played high school football.
So you think you can handle it?
What do you think?
Let's give it a try.
Bathroom's in there.
Good luck.
Get that too.
Boy, to be a private eye.
Babes and bullets
flyin' around everywhere.
Good chance that one
of them might hit you.
I'd be a great private eye. Yep.
Al Bundy, trouble
is my business.
I carry a mop. I clean
a detective's bathroom.
Oh, God!
Mr. Dallas?
I want to live!
What?
No, I... I me... I sai...
I said my name is, uh, Al Bundy.
I'm, uh... Jack
Dallas' new partner.
Sit down and show me
your tail. I mean, tell me...
Tell me your tale.
It all started a few months ago.
She was a sultry dame.
Dressed to the nines,
except for a pair
of cheap pumps.
And man, was she a looker.
She had more curves than
the Matterhorn at Disneyland.
And there didn't appear
to be any Japanese tourists
standing in line ahead
of me, waitin' for the ride.
She was some dish,
hot as my neighbor's dinner.
By the way, why
don't I ever eat dinner?
Oh, well, that's another case.
Oh, my God, she's
crossing her legs.
So, what do you
think, Mr. Bundy?
What?
About my problem.
I guess I should
have been listening.
Hm, how would a
real PI handle this?
I know.
What?
My uncle, the great explorer,
Colonel Franklin Van Pelt,
is about to bequeath
the famous diamond
known as the Pharaoh's
Eye to a member of my family.
I know he's going
to leave it to me.
So do all of my other relatives.
I need you to be at
the family ceremony,
and protect me in my bequest.
Will you take the
case, Mr. Bundy?
Cross your legs
the other way, baby.
Mr. Bundy?
What?
The case, will you take it?
I need your help desperately.
I wanted to tell her the truth,
but one look into
her troubled thighs...
and I knew I had to play
this out to the bitter end.
Or at least until I
saw some hooter.
I don't have much to offer.
How does a hundred bucks sound?
Oh, I'll pay.
So this was my case,
protecting the babe
from her family.
They were an ugly bunch,
but the old man, the colonel,
seemed like a decent guy.
I think he felt a
bond between us.
I guess I should pay
attention to what he's saying.
What? Your foot is on my cat.
Oh!
Sorry.
I'll be right back.
I'm just going to get
my coat out of the car.
Uncle keeps it just
freezing in here.
As I watched her
leave, I suddenly realized
who really did put the
"bomp" in the "bomp-sh-bomp."
Uh-oh.
I think I said that out loud.
Oh, well.
I looked over the family.
You could tell they
hate the old guy.
Sure, he was payin' the bills,
but from the look
of Vanessa's shoes,
he was as tight as the
skin on Joan Rivers' face.
But if they feared or hated
me, they sure hid it well.
All right, you fruits
and vegetables,
It's time now to see which
one of you pond scum
will get the prize of
the Van Pelt family.
Oh, uncle,
we don't care about the jewel.
We just want
you to live forever.
Nice set of lips to reach
my heinie from there.
Oh, that's a good one,
Colonel Van Sanders.
Who are you?
Your worst nightmare,
a shoe man with a badge.
No.
My worst nightmare is a
hooker with cold hands.
Well, I won't keep you
ferrets waiting any longer.
The new owner
of the Pharaoh's Eye
shall be...
Who turned the lights out?
Who's touching my breasts?
Don't shoot me, I'm
a shoe salesman!
What's happened?
Nobody move.
I suspect everyone,
and I suspect no one.
What're you lookin' at?
Oh, Mama.
He killed our beloved uncle. Oh.
And worse yet, he's
stolen the Pharaoh's Eye.
Oh, Mama!
So let me get this straight.
Now, you went for
a job as a janitor,
you took a case as
a private detective,
and now you're
wanted for murder?
Essentially.
Well, then can I have
my allowance now?
I'm wanted for
murder, you dolts.
Any second now, the cops
are gonna track me down
and send me to the hoosegow.
I could use a little help.
I have a plan, Daddy.
It would be you, pumpkin.
Now, Daddy, the cops
are probably watching
the airports and
the train stations
and the bus stations, right?
Well, there is one way out.
You could dig a hole to China.
I saw Bugs Bunny do it once.
Daffy never found him.
Pumpkin, if Daddy
gets the chair,
would you sit in his
lap one last time?
I'd be honored.
Uh, look, Dad, it's obvious
you cannot hide out here.
Why? Why? You figure
this is the first place
the cops'll come?
No, I got a girl coming over,
and quite frankly,
you embarrass me.
Al, Al. I just heard
it on the radio.
There's a $50,000
reward on your head.
We've gotta act fast.
Here, put on this hat.
Put on this coat.
Put on this cuff.
I've got him! Come in and shoot!
Shoot!
Shoot him! Shoot
him with your guns!
So I ran.
You would too if you
had a price on your head
and a bad burrito in your belly.
It's amazing how
many locked bathrooms
there are in Chicago at night.
I was tired of runnin'.
I knew what I had to do.
I think you have a little
plumbing problem in there.
Anyhow...
I called you all
together here tonight
because I knew that the one
person who had the diamond
would not be here.
But we're all here.
Then forget I said that.
What I meant to say
was that the killer...
is you.
And just what do
you base that on?
Absolutely nothing.
Which is why the culprit is you.
Sorry, dick,
it's well-known that I'm
deathly afraid of the dark.
I was frozen in place.
Who touched my breasts?
It was me. I had to
check out your story.
Which brings us to you.
You plunged the knife
in your uncle's back,
and then snatched the
diamond with your free hand.
One gets to meet
so few true fools.
Which only leaves the killer...
you.
Come on, Leonard, admit it.
You were the criminal mastermind
that put this intricate
criminal plot together.
Now what do you have to say?
Daddy?
Okay.
Gee, then maybe it was me.
I'm sorry, Al.
I wanted to believe you.
I'm calling the police.
Freeze, baby.
Where were you when
the lights went out?
I was outside in the rain.
Were you?
I prefer to think
that you're the killer.
My God. I don't believe it.
That's ridiculous.
You have no proof.
Oh, don't I?
Sit down.
Yum.
I say that you never
did go outside that night.
That you waited by the
door for the right moment,
hit the light switch,
dumped the vase
on yourself to get wet,
and stabbed your uncle!
You still haven't
proved anything.
Like the man in the stall
said to the man waiting,
"Give me time, baby."
When we met, I couldn't
help but notice your shoes,
the same shoes you have on now.
I used to sell shoes.
For years.
Well, when I was a teenager,
but not when I'm grown up,
because a real man
wouldn't have a job like that.
And I, uh, recognized
these shoes,
the Malaysian A220 Stilettos.
So cheap that the only
ones who wear them
are beggars and
wives of shoe salesmen.
You couldn't have gone outside
that night, or any other night,
because these shoes
are so cheaply constructed
that they fall apart on
contact with water, like this:
Well, baby...
what have you got to say?
I did it!
Really? You're kidding.
No. I hated him.
And I hated all of you.
He was going to give
the diamond to a museum.
I would have got that for you.
You were incredible.
You broke me.
Take her away, lieutenant.
They'll probably put
me away for 20 years.
Will you wait for me?
What for? You'll be old.
Good work, Mr. Bundy.
I'm the curator for the
Museum of Natural History.
As a reward, I'd
like to present you
with this check for $50,000.
He looked at me strangely.
Maybe it was because he wasn't
expecting me to take the check.
Or maybe it was because
he wasn't expecting me
to soil my underwear.
I guess I'll never know.
Fifty thousand dollars!
Fifty thousand dollars!
Fifty thousand dollars.
It's real, it's real.
What?
Al, you're makin' happy
noises in your sleep.
Thought there might
be somethin' wrong.
Wait a s...
Wait a second.
Where's the $50,000
that I brought home?
You know, for solving the
case of the Pharaoh's Eye?
Say what?
It couldn't have been a dream.
It couldn't have been a dream.
Uh, honey, maybe I'd
better get you an aspirin.
We can lay here
and solve the case
of the wife who
isn't gettin' any.
But it... But it can't be
a dream. It just can't!
Kids!
Bud, quick.
Was I a detective wanted
for murder, or was it a dream?
Just might have
been a dream, Dad.
Do you call yourself "Street
Rapper Grandmaster B,"
or was that a dream?
Oh, come on, Daddy.
Even Bud's not
pathetic enough to...
Wait a sec, Grandmaster B?
The chicks would be all over me.
I could wear my hat backwards.
Oh, man, I'm gonna go
write my first rap right now.
How about callin' it
"Yo, I'm Really a Boy"?
Peg, tell 'em it wasn't a dream.
Uh, honey, I'm gonna
go get you those aspirin.
I think I'll make it a double.
I hate you.
Kids, that's enough. Hold
it. I hate you! I hate you!
Kids!
One quick question,
and that's all.
Is your mother, uh...?
Repulsed by you?
Disappointed financially
and sexually by you?
No.
I don't care about
that, you dolts.
Is she pregnant?
Marcie?
You think he's crazy?
Well, he must be. He
didn't ask about you.
Well, honey, I just took
the last of the aspirins.
I figured you'd
just get a headache
when you go to work.
Ohhh.
Now, what's that for?
Well, you dreamt
you had $50,000,
and yet you still
came home to me.
That says a lot. Says
that you really do love me.
What would I dream that for?
'Cause you do!
I do not.
Do too!
No, it's just that, uh,
it's too late now for
me to get anybody else.
Well, now, see,
that wasn't so hard.
Awww.
Peggy wuvs her
detective pooh bear.
Pooh!
Gee, honey, you know
what I wanna do now?
The same thing I wanna do?
Well, let's get to it.
You get the paper
plates, I'll order the pizza.
Oh, baby!