Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 6, Episode 10 - Kelly Does Hollywood: Part 2 - full transcript

Last week on
Married With Children,

Kelly got her own talk
show on public-access TV.

Who do you think
has the cutest butt?

Mel Gibson.

Lethal Weapon opening tomorrow!

It was a success, and
everyone auditioned.

Duke, duke, duke.

Duke of Earl.

Kelly said she'd think about it.

But she went it alone.

And that strategy
paid off, because:



And a real network wants
to put my show on primetime.

I'm going to Hollywood.

What? Hollywood? Yes! Yes!

And now, Married
With Children continues.

I can't believe we're
going to Hollywood.

Oh. It's a dream come true.

The place where any guy with
a cheap chain around his neck

can call himself a
producer to dumb babes

getting off the bus
from Des Moines.

Dad,

your little boy's going home.

Yeah, I'm sure that Grumpy,
Dopey, Sleepy and Doc

will be glad to have you back.

Now, kids, before we go to
the land of broken dreams



and cheap bikini love,

I want you to be prepared.

Because Hollywood is not like

our quaint little
hometown of Chicago.

People in Hollywood are
always out for the quick buck.

They're nothing but a
bunch of brownnosers.

Now, I want you to remember

that the only people who
really care about you as a person

is your family.

Hi, everyone.

I hear you're going to Hollywood
and I just wanted to come by

and give you my best wishes.
And I don't want anything.

Well, that's nice but
you're blocking the door.

Oh, really? Oh,
well, I didn't mean to.

Goodbye.

Oh, but before you go,

there's just one
thing I wanna say.

I am willing to leave my husband

if you will just
take me with you.

I will do anything for you.

I will procure for
your little brother,

I will brush your
father's teeth.

Hey, I will even
be your bodyguard.

Let me prove myself
by killing someone.

Just point to someone you
don't like and I'll happily kill him.

Kiss him goodbye.

Now, Marcie, just
a second, here.

Now, why don't you just:

out of here.

I mean, we got a plane to catch.

Oh, please, take me with you.

I'm a pregnant banker jet-skiing
towards 40, for God's sake.

Now, I was voted Most Likely
to Succeed in high school,

and I have a reunion coming up.

At least let me be able to say
that I slept with Chuck Woolery.

Ease by her carefully, kids.
They say the mad have strength.

Hey, hey, at least let
me be Slut of the Week.

I'm already pregnant. Huh?

Ahh.

Take a deep breath, kids,
and smell that show biz.

Ahh.

I can't believe we're at
the hub of the NBS network.

This is where it all happens.

Did you see the bathrooms?

I tell ya, I'm still giddy

with the thought that
possibly, just possibly,

I might have sat on the
same toilet seat as Bob Hope.

Yeah, Dad, but, uh,

I'm sure Bob Hope
didn't walk out of the stall

with his pants around his ankles

proudly singing
"That's Entertainment."

Eh, you loved it
when you were 3.

I can't believe
we're actually here.

And it's all because
of my little girl.

Gee, it's times like this that I
wish I had stayed home nights

and studied hard so I could
make something of myself, like Bud.

Okay, kids, enough fun.

We don't wanna miss
the big picture here.

We are in the loop.

Just look at those walls.

Kids, we can be among the first

to see the new, exciting
shows on the fall schedule.

Gaze proudly, kids.

Oh, just think.

Someday my picture's
gonna be hanging

next to such exciting shows as

"Ellen and Her Dog"?

"Spike Le Bee, New York
City School Teacher"?

"Art Allante, P.I."

"Black Cop, White Girl."

"Me and the Shiksa"?

"The Homeless Detective."

Oh, come on.

Daddy, do they have
to hang my picture here?

It's Gig!

Your autograph?

Oh, my God. It's Gig Fontaine,

star of Tugboat Danger.

Gig. Gig. Gig, please. This way.

I love you. I love you all.

But, uh, I'll love you first.

I can't believe this.

Oh, Gig. Give us a smile, Gig.

Just an autograph,
please? Just one more?

Gig! Gig!

What's that guy
got that I don't?

Shall I start above
or below the waist?

Daddy, did you see how all
those people were surrounding him

just so he'd sign his name?

Do you think that'll
happen to me?

Well, probably not until

you learn how to
spell your name.

Well, I have something to say.

If I become rich and famous,

I am gonna share it
with everyone that I love.

Oh, and you guys too.

Daddy, I am gonna get you a car

with door handles and a gas cap.

And... And a rear-view mirror,

not just one of Mom's old
compacts glued to the window.

And windshield wipers?

You got it, big guy.

And I'm gonna get Mom
what she's always wanted.

Maybe that young guy down
the block who paints houses.

And, Bud,

get me a Coke, will ya?

Hi, I'm Jeff Littlehead.

Now, uh...

Which one of you is, uh...

Which one of you is Kelly Bundy?

That would be I.

Ah. Welcome to NBS,

where we say quality counts.

Heh. We don't
believe it, but we say it.

You reek of avocado.

Now, be nice, Bud.

They eat vegetables
in Hollywood.

And we are a
stranger in his land.

Now, there are no strangers
here at NBS, if you, uh,

don't mind me kissing a
little heinie for a moment.

We're like a big family
here. That's what we are.

We're a big, happy family.

Living, loving, nurturing
and supporting our talent.

Here we never forget your name.

Mr. Littlehead?

Yeah.

Who are you?

Rock Turboman.

Oh, glad to meet ya.

I'll have a hamburger.

No, I'm the star
of your new series,

Young Ben Franklin.

Yes, yes, I know.

Well, uh, what can I do for ya?

Well, I know the
ratings have been low,

but I-I'm kind of thinking
of buying a new house.

You think I should?

We're not being
cancelled, are we?

Oh, son, son, damn the
ratings. We love the show.

America loves the
show. It'll be on forever.

You... You buy that house.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

All right. All right,
Ben Franklin.

Electricity!

Bifocals!

Kites!

He's gone!

I cancelled him this morning.

You'll have his time slot.

Hey, Dad, are you
thinking what I'm thinking?

That he can get
both of us chicks?

Yeah.

Well, are you ready
to see your set?

Lead on, Mr. Littlething.

Well, it's, uh...

It's Littlehead, but, uh,

you can call me anything.

Just don't call me late to a
Dick Chamberlain miniseries.

Oh, Daddy, we're
gonna go look at my set.

I really feel like a star.

Pumpkin, to me you've
always been a star.

Oh, please.

Just the other day you were
saying when you were a boy,

you used to water
things smarter than her.

Oh yeah? You were
the one that said,

"What's the difference
between Kelly and an elephant?

"One is grey, has
four legs and a tail,

and the other's a moron."

Well, you told me... No...

Hey, now, time-out, guys.

Let's not fight.

This should be a
happy moment. Okay?

Aw.

I'd like my checks
sent to me directly.

I'll deliver them personally.

Right this way, Miss Bundy.

Arigato, gentlemen.

This, Miss Bundy, is all yours.

Yes!

Oh, God, I don't believe this.

I mean, all this for me.

I just want you to know
that if I become a success,

I will never change.

Great.

Are you really the
guy in Home Alone?

Ooh. Ooh.

Yes.

Now, listen, if you
two lovely young ladies

would like to be in the sequel,

Home Alone With Sex Toy,

just write down your
names and numbers here.

I also wrote down
my special talents.

Hm.

There's five minutes to
rehearsal, Miss Bundy.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Uh, Daddy?

Oh, uh, just a second, pumpkin.

Now, Jeff... Now,
I've been thinking.

Uh, just in case
this new fall season,

you know, shall we say,
blows, I've been, you know,

just fooling around with
some ideas for new shows.

Let's run this up the
flagpole, see if it waves.

All right, stay with me here.

There's this mystic guy
wandering across the West

in search of his
long-lost brother.

Now, instead of guns...

Get this.

He's fitted with an
assortment of fightin' footwear.

It's called Kung Shoe.

Now, Daddy?

Not quite yet, pumpkin.
I think I got him hooked.

Okay, here's another idea.

Let's toss this in the
oven, see if it bakes.

Now,

there's a shoe salesman
in the 23rd century,

called Shoe Trek.

Okay, I got another idea.

Let's toss this in the
bed with Madonna

and see if she sleeps with it.

Now, this has nothing
to do with shoes,

but it's a hot idea and I'd
like to be personally involved.

It's called Breasts.

I just don't feel it.

What a surprise, huh?

All right, pumpkin,
I'm on a five.

Daddy, I'm scared.

I mean, what if
I'm not any good?

What if my intellectual
bons mots and...

And witty little intersections
are only appreciated in Chicago?

I mean, back there I was
a big fish in a small bottle,

but now I'm in Los Angeles,

the Big Apple.

What if I stink?

Pumpkin,

I want you to have as
much confidence in yourself

as I had in my own self.

Of course, my present lack
of faith is understandable

since your average parking
meter makes more a day than I do.

But don't you worry.

You can be a huge success

because you have
what every Bundy has:

cute.

We're irresistible.

So you can succeed at anything.

Because I'm special, Daddy?

No, because it's show business.

You don't need talent or brains.

Thank you, Daddy.

We're ready for
rehearsal, Miss Bundy.

Wish me luck.

Pumpkin, I wish
you more than luck.

I wish you satisfaction
and success.

Aw. Mwah.

Because if you are a success,

I'll be so rich I'll be able
to hire somebody else

to put their hands
down my pants for me.

Rehearsal in three,

two, one...

Welcome to Vital Social
Issues 'N Stuff with Kelly.

I'm Kelly.

Okay, okay, be
cool. We're on TV.

Now, as you know,

if you were watching channel
99 in Chicago last week,

our topic was men's butts.

Now, we all felt
that we didn't explore

men's butts sufficiently.

In fact, one butt was
left totally uncovered.

So to make it up to him,

the Vital Social Issues
'N Stuff with Kelly

Butt of the Year is...

Jason Priestley.

Beverly Hills, 90210!

Two palms up.

And if he is watching,

we are staying at the
fabulous Motel Two

on the corner of
Ghetto and Gang.

Oh, turn left at the hobo
who calls himself Moondoggie.

And now, on to
an issue and stuff

that really sticks in my drawer.

Bad dates.

Roberta, why don't you
tell us and the entire nation

the story that you
told us last night

after we all swore that we
would never tell anyone?

Sure.

Johnny DiBedetto.

Oh.

He takes me to a movie...

And you know how he likes
to put his tongue in your ear?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's right.

Well, he goes at it, and
the next thing I know,

he sucked my earring
down his throat.

Not the blue ones with
the chains that hang?

He can't do anything right.

He once stuck his
tongue in my eye.

Me too.

He swallowed my contacts.

He missed my entire head

and got my dog, Wilbur.

Well, girls, what
we've learned here

is that if you ever
go out with Johnny,

don't wear anything
that'll fit down his throat.

You stink, Johnny.

He is kind of cute,
though, isn't he?

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Now I would like
to introduce our band:

Joanie and the Slashettes.

Girls?

Two, three, four...

Sex!

Well, I'm jelly.

We'll be right back

with our resident
bad-perm victim, Jeannie.

This week, Jeannie has
agreed to let us shave her head.

Might as well. It's ruined.

Cut! Hah-ho.

That was great.

God, it was... It was fabulous.

It was now, brown cow.

Thank you, Mr. Littlepants.

Um,

and thank you for letting
me do my own vision.

My own creation. The
fruit of my own loins.

You really liked it?

Oh, it was great. It
was great. I mean, ya...

Ya stepped up to the plate

in the bottom of
the ninth inning

with the bases loaded,
trailing 4-1 in St. Louis

on a hot afternoon,
a hundred degrees,

120 on the natural turf.

And the wind-up,
and here's the pitch.

It's a hit!

That ball's going
back, back, way back,

to the back of the wall.

Grand slam! And look!

Some lucky fan's
got the ball right now.

And he wants your
autograph! Where's your pen?

Daddy, what the hell
is he talking about?

Just smile at the suit, pumpkin.

What I'm saying is,

we love what you're
doing. Don't change a thing.

But before you go on,

we just have a few
tiny little suggestions.

I can't believe they ruined
then cancelled my show.

Now, pumpkin,

they just used research
and testing to mould the show

into something they felt
really related to the teens.

And as we shall see,
research is never wrong.

And now, here's Kelly Bundy.

Hi.

Welcome to my show. I'm Kelly.

Today we're gonna talk about

making our
parents' lives easier.

Neat.

Keen.

Dynamite.

You kids aren't
just whistling Dixie.

Now let's hear a
number from our band.

Two, three, four...

Milk.

Thank you, Joanie
and the Hepcats.

Now, let's talk
seriously for a moment.

We all wanna make
our parents happy

because they gave us
this precious gift of life.

Isn't that right,
fellow virgin teens

just waiting for the right
man to come along?

Neato.

Right.

We'll be right back
with library books,

the perfect Friday-night date.

Band?

Book.

I didn't like my hair.

Oh, please.

You know something?

There is a bright
side to all of this.

What's that, Daddy?

It's that nothing
bad happened to me.

I mean, it's possible that
the Bundy cloud of failure

passed through
me onto my children,

as I only dared to dream.

I mean, imagine, nothing
bad happened to me.

Next week, NBS presents
a new, exciting miniseries:

Joe Piscopo in Shoe Trek.

The shoe sizes
are down, captain.

Mr. Sock, heels on stun.

Well, that's it.

From now on, nothing
but cable for me.

Send money for the children.

Loofa the wrinkles away
the Ernest Borgnine way.

Hey, senior citizens,

are you losing your hearing!?

Are you man enough
for a penile implant?

♪ You take the good
You take the bad ♪

♪ You take 'em both
And then you have ♪

♪ The facts of life
The facts of life ♪

♪ There's a time you
gotta Go and show ♪

♪ You're growing
now You know about ♪

♪ The facts of life
The facts of life ♪

♪ When the world never seems ♪

♪ To be living up
To your dreams ♪

♪ And suddenly
You're finding out ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪