Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 6, Episode 9 - Kelly Does Hollywood: Part 1 - full transcript

Where's Dad? It's almost time.

Well, the shoe store closed
about five minutes ago.

He's gotta count
the day's receipts.

So he should be walking
in any second now.

The day has finally come.

Perhaps the proudest day

in the history of the
Bundy household.

I want the whole family
to share in this moment.

Buck, you ready, boy?

Calm down, Buck.

Where's Mom?



She's out shopping.

Good. Then the
whole family is here.

Man, what a day.

After all the praying
and the dreaming,

the saving of every penny,
the Bundys have finally arrived.

Today...

we get cable TV.

Yes. Yes.

Can I get a "whoa, cable"?

Oh, yeah.

Whoa, cable!

All right, now, kids,

the cable should
come on any minute.

But to make every
day our birthdays,



I have a very special gift.

May I present the Cadillac
of television controls.

The Channelmaster 2000.

Ooh.

Hey, don't touch it, you swine!

It's mine.

Man, this baby can do anything.

Changes channels backwards,
changes them forward.

It's like having a wife
crouching by the TV,

except I wouldn't
mind sleeping with this.

Oh, Daddy, that's bad.

That's bad.

And...

it's got a half-a-mile radius.

Why, I could control Marcie's TV

sitting right here by
my command post.

Matter of fact...

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, Dad, you shouldn't
do that. Oh, Dad, Dad, Dad.

All right, enough
frivolity. Kids.

Man the cable book.

I am turning on the TV.

What's this?

It's the Japanese channel, Dad.

Mm.

What's this?

It's the Polka Channel. Mm.

What's this?

That's the Stained
Glass Network. Mm.

Gee, there doesn't seem
to be much on cable, either.

Kids, fear not.

We still have 78
more channels to go.

Well, what's wrong, Dad?

I just never thought
I could be so happy

sitting next to you two.

Oh, let me get that. Oh.

All right, guys, get ready.

In front of us lies
all the entertainment

that the great minds of
show business can provide.

♪ You take the good
You take the bad ♪

♪ You take them both
And there you have ♪

♪ The Facts of Life
The Facts of Life ♪

Well, Dad...

You've been sitting there
for 36 hours straight now.

I will not give up.

I am paying $60 a
month to be entertained,

and I will be entertained,
if I never enjoy

another day in my life.

Oh, now, this is better.

Yeah, here's the Sally Struthers

Whining Channel.

Oh, look at the
starving children.

Boy, man, now we're having fun.

And stay tuned for
Cagney & Lacey.

Oh, Daddy. I have
been so wronged.

You have been so wronged?

Look what I'm spending
60 bucks a month for.

Well, at least I...
At least I got this.

Yeah, now I feel lucky.

Today on the Medical Channel,

Dr. Bob removes an ovary.

Well, you may as well
bore me with your problems.

Okay.

Well, my whole modeling class

went down to be on
public access television.

You know, for our poise
and personality tests.

Oh. So, what did you do?

Spin two diaphragms
on your fingers

while singing
"Somewhere in the Night"?

Anyway...

Every girl was
supposed to be on TV.

But did I get a turn?

Ask me if I got a turn.

Ask me.

Just go ahead and ask me.

No, I did not.

And you know why?

Because my teacher, Mrs. Jones,

doesn't like me.

Just because one day
she wore a pair of jeans

that said "Guess,"

and I guessed size 42.

Instead of giving me a prize,

she cops an attitude.

Anyway...

So every girl got to be on TV.

But then they ran out of time

before it got to be my turn.

And now I don't even have a tape

for when it comes
time for my grade.

Now, come on, Kel.

There's gotta be plenty

of videotapes of
you lying around.

Now, what's wrong with

the "I can make my
dress go this high" classic

from the third grade?

Gee, Bud, it's Friday night.

Shouldn't you be
taking a shower,

getting all dressed
up and going to bed?

Oh, Daddy, my life is over.

I wish I was dead.
What should I do?

Well, honey, I'm glad
you've come to me.

Because I have plenty...

Look, Dad. Look. Hooters!

Where?! Where?!

Right there.

That's an elbow, son.

Well, look whose word

you were taking.

Hi, Al.

You know, the weirdest thing's
been happening over at my house.

The channels on the
TV began changing

all by themselves.

Hey, would you do me a favor?

Could you turn on the
public access channel?

Marcie's gonna be on.

Oh, great, even
the old and boring

get on before me.

Welcome back to
Short-Haired Women in Banking.

And now for the question
our financial experts

have been dying to ask:

How does a short-haired woman

juggle a career, carry a baby

and still manage to
sexually satisfy her man?

Well, it's not easy.

Actually, my husband
has been feeling

a little left out because
the baby's coming.

So we've been playing
out my role as Mommy...

in bed.

Sometimes he's a bad boy
and needs a good spanking.

Well, I guess I was wrong.

Marcie's not gonna be on.

Whoa, ha, ha, ha, ha.

As a matter of fact,
he used to have

a little problem
with, shall we say...

hang time.

But I told him not
to worry, it's not him.

I just have some
banking problems

on my mind.

Hey, how'd she get on TV anyway?

It's public access.

Anyone with $35
and a pack of lies

to tell about her husband

can get on. Here we go.

Daddy, can I have $35
to be on TV, please?

Honey, we're not millionaires.

Now, honey, I know
you're disappointed.

But if this counts for anything,

you'll always be my little girl,

and I'll always
have time for you.

Oh, Daddy.

Now that's a hooter.
You see what I mean?

Oh, that's it.

That's a hooter. Oh, my gosh.

And stay tuned

for The All White Guys
Slam Dunk Contest.

Dad, you haven't left the house

in three days now.

Not that it would matter
if you lost your job,

but it's kind of embarrassing

having your old Dodge
parked out front all day.

I mean, what if people
start thinking it's mine?

I am not getting off the couch

until I find something to watch.

Huh. Well, there you go.
Roger Ebert's Dance Party.

Well, look, it's almost time

for Kelly's debut on the
public access channel.

Oh, good.

That won't bring any
more shame to the family.

What do you think
she'll be doing?

A scholarly discussion
of Ezra Pound's poetry?

Or getting her hair
stuck in her mouth

and chasing it around,

the way a dog chases its tail?

Like a dog.

Am I on yet? Am I on yet?

Is that me?

It's a cartoon, honey.

Oh.

Oh, it's coming
on. It's coming on.

You know, everyone expected

just a piece of fluff,

but we wanted to do
something important.

Something that the youth
of America could relate to.

You know, issue stuff.

Today's topic:

Cute butts and the
men they're attached to.

Hi. Welcome to
my show. I'm Kelly.

Now, as you all know, it
costs $35 to put on a show.

So I asked my Dad for the money,
but he's a shoe salesman. Hm.

So I had to turn to my
unemployed teenage friends

for the money.

I just plugged you, Daddy.

Yes, you did, pumpkin.

And now I would like
to introduce my guests.

Cyndy, she gave $10.

As did Roberta.

And Samantha, who's
rich 'cause her dad

knocks off convenience stores...

gave $14.50.

And my very special guest,

who gave an
eye-popping 50 cents,

Mr. Vinnie Verducci.

So, what would you

like to talk about, Vinnie?

Well, I'd like to take
the pro or con side...

Whichever is against
the enforcement

of motorcycle helmet laws.

I mean, say I pull
up to some chick.

Now, I'm doing a conservative

75 in a 30-mile-an-hour zone,

so, of course I
only have seconds

to seduce her with my eyes.

You see this look?

Yeah.

How are they supposed to see it

with a piece of Tupperware
strapped to my head?

I'd look like that dork the
Rocketeer, for God's sakes.

Which, by the way,

was death at the box office.

Now...

I've fallen on my
head 100 times,

and you don't hear me crying,

"I can't think. I can't think."

What were we talking about?

Men's butts.

Pfft. I'd like to see 'em try
and get a helmet on my butt.

Heh.

Thank you, Vinnie.

Your 50 cents is up. Get out.

And now I would like
to introduce our band:

Joanie and the Slashettes!

One, two, three, four.

♪ Soda! ♪

Do you believe
that they wrote that

in the elevator coming up here?

The mind wobbles, doesn't it?

Okay.

Now, as I recall, we were right

in the middle of men's butts.

Cyndy.

Who do you think
has the cutest butt?

I do.

No, we're talking
about men's butts.

Oh.

Mel Gibson.

Lethal Weapon opening tomorrow!

Oh. Oh, oh. Oh.

Okay, okay. Okay. Girls.

Now let's get serious.

Two, three, four.

♪ Serious ♪

Which brings us
to a tragic story.

A girl...

We'll call her Jeannie

got a bad perm.

I know that this must be
very hard for you, Jeannie.

Thank you for being here today.

Now...

what went through your mind

when you first...

saw your perm?

I screamed.

I cried. I ran the gamut.

You poor thing.

Remember, folks,
it's up to you to help.

You can make a difference.

Phone your pledges in now.

Call 555-PERM.

Ladies and gentlemen...

this could happen to you!

And now another
number from our band.

Two, three, four.

♪ Spit! ♪

Makes you think, doesn't it?

Okay. Now it's time

for my favorite
part of the show.

We're gonna talk about
girls that we don't like.

The Vital Social Issues 'N Stuff
with Kelly slut of the week is:

Two, three, four.

♪ Slut ♪

Thank you.

Is Vicki.

Now, not only is Vicki

too cheap to give
$1.50 to be on the show,

but she also borrows clothes

and doesn't give them back.

And if she does,

she doesn't give them back

with the hanger.

She's trash.

She's dirt.

She gave me this perm.

So for all these things,

we all give you, Vicki,

a big get-a-yeast-infection
salute.

And now...

on to career talk.

What?

You're supposed to
ask me the question.

Oh, right.

Say, Kelly, we understand

that you go to modeling school.

Well, I'm glad that you
brought that up, Roberta.

My classmates are
a bunch of skanks.

And my teacher stinks.

They wouldn't let me be on TV.

It's because they're jealous.

But I'm on now, aren't I?

Well, I can see by the
clock on the wall that it's, uh...

five, 10, 15, 20, 25...

But before we go,

I would like to do a
number with the band

that I wrote myself.

Ladies.

Two, three, four.

♪ I'm on TV And you are not ♪

♪ Drop dead Mrs. Jones ♪

♪ Die ♪
♪ Die ♪

Size 42.

Two, three, four.

So, what'd you think?

I mean, it was great, right?

Well, honey...

We're gonna have a
little meeting over here.

Uh, Kelly, you go over there.

Now, she tried really hard.

We can't hurt her
feelings. Yeah.

We gotta think of something nice

to say to her.

How about, "At least they didn't

send the Energizer
Bunny through the show"?

Let's be nice to
her this one time.

Now... I know.

Let's go over and say
that, uh, we didn't see it.

Uh, honey...

We have something to tell you.

Well, I have something
to tell you too.

They love me.

I'm gonna be on every week.

So, what were you gonna say?

Dad's dramatic reading

in a pathetic attempt
to get on Kelly's show.

Take six.

Duke, Duke, Duke

Duke of Earl

Duke, Duke

Duke of Earl

Duke, Duke

When I hold you In my arms,

You are my Duchess of Earl

And when I walk

Through my dukedom,

Paradise, we will...
♪ sha-a-are ♪

♪ You... ♪ Thank
you, Daddy. Thank you.

Honey...

Now, to help you choose,

do you think I should do
"The Girl from Ipanema" again?

No. Please, no, Daddy.

Now, listen.

I appreciate, uh,

whatever it was
that you were doing,

but the station wants a
show with me and the girls.

And I'm really having fun.

I mean, why can't you
just be proud of me?

Well, I...

I am proud of you, pumpkin.

I hope the show
does even better,

so that I can be
more proud of you.

Little untalented and ungrateful

flash in the pan.

Out of the way!

Oh, boy, that was painful.

I'm glad I don't have
to go through that again.

Kel! Kel.

You gotta picture
the whole thing

in a pair of Speedos.

That's what we think.

Tell us what you
think on the subject:

briefs or boxers?

Don't let it be his decision.

Dad, it's been three weeks,

and Kelly's show is still on.

I think it's taken off.

Can it be that we were wrong?

Can this be a success?

Well, son, I don't know
anything about TV.

Don't know anything
about the world.

Don't know anything

about Siegfried
& Roy's home life.

But I do know that
Kelly is a Bundy.

And there's no way in the world

a Bundy will
succeed at anything.

Now, does that make
you feel better, son?

Oh yeah, Dad. I'm
high as a kite now.

Good.

'Cause, believe
me, any time now,

she's gonna come
through that door crying,

"Daddy, Daddy, it's all over.

"People realize my show stinks.

"I should have had you on.

"Only you, the
mighty Duke of Earl,

"could have saved my show.

But now it's too
late, and I failed."

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

What, pumpkin? What... What...

What could have happened?

They contacted me
down at the station.

And...?

And a real network
wants to put my show

on prime time.

I'm going to Hollywood!

What? Hollywood? Yes! Yes!

Get on out of here, you runt.