Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 6, Episode 14 - The Mystery of Skull Island - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

MAN [OVER TV]: And in
perhaps the most monumental

Supreme Court decision
in over 100 years...

MAN 2: And the missiles
of this small Mideast country

remain pointed at the...

MAN 3: So until further
information is uncovered,

scientists will continue to
sift through the giant hole

that was, until yesterday,
the Republic of France...

DUDLEY DO-RIGHT: Snidely
Whiplash, unhand that Nell.

Well, they must
have had a fine round

of Pin the Tail on
the Shoe Salesman



up in heaven today.

Middle-aged woman
comes into the shoe store.

She's wearing a blossom hat...

You know, the "I'm just a
cute young girl of 45" look.

And she's looking for
something cool to wear

to a Crosby, Stills &
Nash reunion concert.

So I suggest a nice, recyclable
paper bag to put over her face.

You know, so she can
save the planet two ways.

So she maces me.

But as I lash out blindly,

I think I clipped her a
good one in the teeth.

So from now on, it looks like
she'll be gumming the words

to "Teach Your Children."

[LAUGHING]



How was your day, pumpkin?

Daddy, when did you get home?

How was your day?

Well, a... A middle-aged
woman came to the shoe store

wearing a blossom hat...

Shh!

Snidely Whiplash,
unhand that horse.

Hi, honey.

Oh, hi, Peg.

I wasn't talking to you.

Hi, Mom. Hi, honey.

When's your Daddy getting home?

Oh, ha, ha. Hi, honey.

Guess what we're
gonna do this evening.

Get naked and try to figure out

where our interesting
parts used to be?

Aw. Shoes got you down, bunky?

Well, this should cheer you up.

I've invited Marcie
and Jefferson over

for a game of Ethical Dilemma.

Oh, a dream come true, by gum.

You mean, I actually
get the opportunity

to play a board game
with two people I can't stand

and Jefferson?

Pardon me while I boogaloo.

Well, it's better than our
usual Friday-night fare.

You know, sitting around
watching you and Buck

play Don't Blame Me, It Was Him.

Now, I'm going over to Marcie's
to steal some potato chips

so we have something
to serve them.

Gee, Daddy, I guess
it's true what they say:

Life really does begin at 40.

[LAUGHING] Aw, come on.

Well, at least I'm
not the only one

with no life around here.

Where is your brother, anyway?

He's out with a girl.

No, I said your
brother. You know...

You know, Bud.

I know. He's out
with an actual girl.

No, I was asking about Bud.

I know.

You could have knocked
me over with the weather,

but I tell ya,

it was a real girl. Honest.

There was no blow-up
tube in the back or anything.

Son.

Look, he was
out with a real girl.

I'm hurt, Dad.

Well, son, that's what happens

when you lay the
Bundy on some babe.

The natural result of 30
seconds of crazed abandon.

Come on, tell Dad all about it.

I am totally done with women.

What?

What, did you get married?

No, Dad.

Well, don't worry, son.

Remember, it gets
better each time

as long as it's never
with the same woman.

Wipe your chin and
listen to me, Dad.

Now, as you know,
I've been laying this

Grandmaster B
thing on all the babes.

Well, finally one bought it

and she took me
to this rap club.

Well, I got my hat
turned around and all,

and I'm cool, I'm cool.

Until she said, "Hey, that
guy over there is lookin' at me.

Waste him for me, B."

So I go up to him, and I
look him right in the eye.

So, what happened then, son?

Then he stood up.

Next thing I know,
I'm in the tunnel of light

with Grandma and
Elvis at the other end.

Grandma and
Elvis? What'd you do,

die and go to International
House of Pancakes?

[KELLY AND AL LAUGHING]

I wish.

Instead she brought me
home to meet her dad.

She told him I was
a tough street-rapper.

He hates rap, so suddenly,

there was that
tunnel of light again.

I'm telling you, Dad, I
am through with women.

Oh, no. Who's
gonna fill dem shoes?

Gee, Kel, it's 7:00.

Shouldn't you be cuffed
to a radiator by now?

Ai-eee.

Oh, father, I have
angered the Grand Bastard.

[LAUGHING]

That's Grandmaster.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Or at least it was Grandmaster.

From now on, I'm Bud.

Bud Bundy.

Take me for what I am.

Yo, girlie. My
bedroom's upstairs.

Word to your mother.

Oh, B, thank you for
not hurting my father.

Well, from the fetal position,

I can kill in three
different ways.

Word to your father.

You should have
seen him, Mr. Bundy.

All rolled up in a
little ball in the corner,

ready to strike.

Anyway, I've got
some great news.

What, Mike Tyson was
looking at you funny?

I booked us on a rafting trip.

Down a river the
Indians used to call

Kiss Your White Ass Goodbye.

If you think I'm
kissing my white ass...

Oh, please, B.

I'd be so grateful.

Let's do it.

Daddy, aren't you gonna
say anything to him?

Well, who am I to give advice?

Another hour, I'll be saying,
"Marcie, it's your spin."

Marcie, it's your spin.

Uh-oh.

I've landed on Childhood Trauma.

Come on, Marcie.
Share or go to Denial.

Oh, all right.

I remember my puppy Winkums.

Winkums was tied
to the back of my bike.

MAN'S VOICE: Hey,
Al, another Friday night,

and I got a keg of
beer in the back.

Let's go beat the
hell out of somebody,

pick up a couple of
private-school girls

and rock the pleats
right off their skirts.

Will it always be like this, Al?

AL: You bet. The
boys'll never die.

[TIRES SCREECH]

Al, it's your turn to
move your thimble.

"Get in touch with
your feminine side."

[JEFFERSON LAUGHS]

Ah, tough break, buddy.

Oh, I'll tell you, Al.

It's Friday night,

I got a cup of herb tea,

we're with the girls we love...

and we're playing a
game that's sure to become

the next middle-aged craze.

Will it always be like this, Al?

No. No, one day
it'll be just like this,

only we'll be wearing
Depend's undergarments.

That's not your
feminine side speaking.

No, my feminine side is on
the couch, watching Oprah

and occasionally
pushing aside a breast

to scratch my knee.

Bitch.

Now it's my turn.

Oh, please don't let her
land on Sexual Intimacy.

Sexual Intimacy.

[LAUGHING]

Okay.

"If your lover suddenly was
unable to perform anymore...

"and was a shoe salesman...

and named Al..."

Oh, come, give me this now.

It couldn't possibly say that.

Oh, my God, it does.

"and an old lover
came back to town..."

I guess they mean Jim.

"would you have a
sleazy affair with him?"

Yeah.

[LAUGHING]

Well, I did it.

I survived the river.

Ah, I never felt so alive.

The rush of the water,

the feeling of flight

as you're launched
out of the boat.

Oh, and the good,
clean crack of a pelvis

as it meets one of
nature's finest pointy rocks.

And as I lay there
clinging for dear life,

I couldn't help but notice
the beauty of nature

as it sat on my chest,
pecking at my eyes.

It thought it could carry
me to its young ones,

but I guess the joke was on it,

'cause I was too heavy
and it dropped me

in part of the river the Indians
used to call Nutcracker Falls.

But at least you
weren't with them.

[LAUGHS]

Yeah, but you people are old.

I still have needs.

From now on, it's
life without girls.

I'm through with them.
I mean it this time.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello.

Yeah.

Of course.

Well, that was Kara.

She asked me to jump
out of an airplane tomorrow,

and I said yes.

Good night.

Oh, good.

Daddy, why are you
standing up against the wall?

Well, it's a...

It's an adult thing, pumpkin.

You... You wouldn't
understand. You see, I...

I landed on the
Loneliness of Adolescence.

So your mother yelled
at me and took my wallet,

and I sassed her and, well,

here I am, stuck in
Shame on You Land.

Really cool, Dad.

Uh, pumpkin, um...

before you go out
in the neighborhood

and spread this all around,
can I ask you something?

What's it like to have a life?

Well, people think that
being young and beautiful

is exciting and everything,
but actually it's pretty boring.

I mean, take today for example.

There I am in the
mall, and this guy,

some geezer rock
star, steps on my foot.

You know, that Springsteen guy?

The Boss?

Well, I don't think so, Daddy.

His wife seemed to
be the one in charge.

Well, anyhow,

it was downhill from there.

There I am, hitching a ride,
and who should pick me up?

The Swedish bikini team.

They wanted to drive me
home and come in for a beer,

but I've heard you
say hundreds of times,

you didn't like people
drinking your beers.

Your time's up, Al.

I know.

So then Ernie Banks comes...

Uh, pumpkin, could
you go wait for the mail?

Okey-dokey.

Oh, Daddy, if it makes
you feel any better,

you're a lot
younger than the guy

the bikini team ended
up going home with.

Your spin, Al.

Oh.

Al landed on Caring.

I mean... I mean,
I'm trying to win,

but I keep landing on Date
a Kennedy, Lose a Turn.

Tell us what you
care about, honey.

"I Care" by Al Bundy.

When hooters jiggle around

And I find nickels On the ground

I care

When a Mustang engine purrs
And the bathroom is not hers

I care

When the pitcher's on the
mound And the wife is underground

I care

But when I've been
playing this For days

I will kill anyone
who stays I swear

And if you really want a scare

Check out his underwear

If you dare

[SIGHS]

Well, I'm going to jump
out of an airplane now

and plummet to my death.

Basically for nothing.

Just wanted to say goodbye.

Hey.

Hey, Al's not moving his
thimble down the Path to Intimacy.

Hmm. Gee, that's a first.

I'm using my Get-Out-
of-Sexual-Intimacy card free.

You have to say
it before you spin.

Drop dead. Bite me.

Oh, I'm glad I caught
you, Thumb-sucker B.

Listen, it's time that we
had a little boy-girl talk.

Now, let's pretend
that you're the boy.

Okay.

Okay, I'm number 27.

Do I get in line behind
the sailors over there?

Look, I'm just trying
to help you, drippy.

Now, let me tell
you about women.

I already know about women, Kel.

Yes, but there's
more to us than just

"Inflate until feet
start to plump."

Now, as we both know,
you are doing this for sex.

But let me tell you something.

It doesn't matter
what a guy does

or says or how he treats us.

The second we see a
guy, we already know

whether or not
he's gonna get sex.

Which, by the way, explains
why you've never gotten any.

Hey, now, if that was
even close to true,

do you think I could
still hold my head up?

Look, all I'm saying is
that if she hasn't let you

touch her yet, she never will.

If you still feel the need to
do something dangerous,

throw out your Clearasil.

Yeah, like I'm gonna
take the advice of someone

who's fooled by every single
disguise of the Trix rabbit.

Yeah,

like you know who he
is until his ears flop out.

But I do know this.

You can jump out of a plane
and go hurtling to your death,

but mark my words.

You will not even get
a cheap feel out of this.

You will die a flat virgin.

Kel, you're wrong.

And besides, if
jumping out of a plane

with almost no
training was dangerous,

don't you think my parents
would have stopped me?

Hey, everyone, Al
got a Cuddle card.

[AL GROANING]

I played high school
football, for God's sake.

So does anybody
have any questions

in case we get tangled
up in power lines?

Yes?

Is there any way to get
out of them and still live?

No,

not with the piddly
training you guys have had.

That's how I like it.

You're so brave, Grandmaster B.

You're all I ever
wanted in a man.

My last boyfriend was so boring.

All we did was make love.

What a loser.

BUD: Oh, I'm
definitely not doing this.

No way, no how,
never. Not for anything.

Oh, Daddy.

Look at those hooters.

I'm doing it.

Well, we're just
about ready to go.

Remember, I'll be
jumping out with you,

and we'll be in radio
contact all the way down.

You know, so I can
give you instructions.

Just in case.

Any questions?

Yes.

Just in case of what?

Well, like if your
parachute doesn't open.

If it gets tangled up in itself.

If there's a hole in it,

or if we just forgot
to put one in the pack.

Well, let's go.

Wait. Wait a minute.

Now, aren't these
guys gonna go first?

INSTRUCTOR: Oh, they backed out.

They're not with girls.

This is so exciting.

My whole body
feels like it's on fire.

Well, before mine
is, upon impact,

how 'bout just one last kiss?

Which means one first kiss.

Which means one
last kiss, for luck.

All right, one kiss for my hero.

All right, Bundy.

[SCREAMING]

INSTRUCTOR: How you doin', Bud?

[SCREAMING]

KARA: Bud, this is
Kara. How are you?

Couldn't be calmer, babe.

Could you put the
instructor back on, please?

Sure.

INSTRUCTOR: Bud?

[SCREAMING]

That's right. Just
enjoy the free fall.

I'm watching you all the way.

Oh, man, what fun.

Okay, I've had enough now.

Uh, listen, this is
Grandmaster 1 here.

Should I be concerned that
I'm plummeting to my death

over Lake Michigan? Over.

Yes.

But stay calm. I'll talk you in.

Alls you have to do is...

Say, Kara, you're cute.

KARA: Thank you.
You're cute too.

The second I saw you,

I knew we were
going to have sex.

Uh, instructor,
Grandmaster 1 here.

Listen, I seem to be heading

towards the
smokestack of a tugboat.

Could use some
last-minute advice. Over.

KARA: Take me,
Biff. Take me now.

BIFF: I thought we
were gonna jump.

KARA: Can you look at
these and still think of jumping?

Instructor? Kara?

[SCREAMS] Mommy!

His eyes,

his chest, his butt.

What else would you
change about him?

Well, certainly you wouldn't
want him to keep those teeth.

Please, Jefferson,

he's sitting right
in front of us.

But I would like to change
that birthmark on his tush,

shaped like Woody Allen.

Death can't be this busy.

[SIGHS]

Ah, the sparrow has landed.

Did you get any?

Yes, if you count mouth-to-mouth

from a drunken sea captain.

But I've learned a couple
of things from all this.

One, there's nothing
a pelican won't eat.

And two, I am finally, totally,

completely finished with women.

Wait, let us not
forget number three.

That I was right.

Say it. No.

That's all I needed to hear.

But I tell you this:

Next time a girl comes to me

and wants me to do
something stupid...

You'll do it? You betcha.

[LAUGHING]

You know what?

For a million dollars I'd
never jump out of an airplane.

Al, you landed on
Kiss the Neighbor.

Don't you want your
last-minute instructions?

[LAUGHING]

[♪♪♪]