Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 5, Episode 14 - Look Who's Barking - full transcript

Uh, no, thanks,
boy. I'm not hungry.

Feed me, you big,
rumpled shoe salesman.

Yep. Quite a day, isn't it, boy?

Wife in Wanker County,
visitin' the relatives,

and ol' Dad here waitin'
for his favorite dessert

in the history of the world.

Yep, cherry cheesecake

from the famous
Chuck's Cheese Bowl.

Can you feel the
excitement, boy?

Feed me.

No breakfast for me today.



I want the first
taste in my mouth

to be cherry cheesecake.

Yeah, you wouldn't
want that first taste

to be toothpaste or anything.

Oh, Bud, I'm goin' to work.

Listen, uh, there's
somethi" I need you to do,

but I can't think of what it is.

Feed the dog.

Feed the dog.

Feed the dog.

Oh, yeah, feed the dog.

Yes!

You want some food, boy?

Well, gee, if you're done



sifting through your Playboys.

Let's just see what's
in this stuff, huh?

Hm. "Beef byproducts...

"chicken byproducts...

corn meal."

Hey. Hey, stop that!

Oh, he's getting
germs all over it.

Oh, now it's ruined.

Well, you sleep with him,
you might as well eat like him.

I... I wasn't eating anything.

I... I just thought I...
I heard something.

Can the malarkey. Share.

Well, would you look at this?

This is a lot better

than getting
gassed at the pound.

Listen, Kel,

I'm going to play some soccer.

Oh, uh, Dad told me to
tell you to feed the dog.

Oh, no, not the girl!

What was I supposed to do?

I'm dead.

Let's see.

I woke up,

so that's not it.

I showered, brushed, dressed,

came home...

Well, my job's done.

I guess it's time
to go to the mall.

Bye, boy.

Well, when the going gets tough,

the tough drink
outta the toilet.

♪ I was born in the junkyard ♪

♪ A child of the streets ♪

♪ My dinner Was
cats and garbage ♪

♪ And other tasty treats ♪

♪ Police chased and caught me ♪

♪ I was in the pound alone ♪

♪ The Bundys came and got me ♪

♪ Didn't even bring a bone ♪

♪ I'm hungry out here ♪

♪ I ain't talkin' jive ♪

♪ I'll eat anything ♪

♪ Even if it's alive ♪

♪ Don't want no fax machine ♪

♪ Got no use for phones ♪

♪ Don't even want
My belly rubbed ♪

♪ Just give me A
blood-stained bone ♪

♪ I'm starvin' out here, mama ♪

♪ Got no food to call my own ♪

♪ You better watch
Your wives and children ♪

♪ I'm out here
prowlin' For a bone ♪

Hey, the little tramp.

Hey, I bet you're hungry.

No, I just like
kissin' foreign butt.

How about some meatball, yes?

Meatballs?

Meatballs would
be very nice, sir.

Do not feed the dog.

It's the boss. Shh.

I'm trying to run
Italian restaurant here.

That's tomorrow's special.

Oh, well, there's always

the soul-food
place up the street

run by Koreans.

Whoa, mama!

Look at the two pair
of legs on this bitch.

Hey, baby.

Did you get the
message I left for you

on the hydrant down the street?

Oh, God, not another jerk.

Look, I have no time.

I'm getting ready
to run into traffic

and kill myself.

Whoa, heavy.

Hey, uh, you wanna give
me a little somethin' first?

You know, that way you
can die with a wag on your tail.

I'd rather live.

Well, aren't you
even gonna ask me

why I'm gonna kill myself?

Uh, with my luck, I get
the one that wants to talk.

Okay, baby. What's the problem?

No one loves me.
I have no family.

It's tough out
here on the street.

Uh, yeah, that's too bad.

Hey, listen,

uh, you've got a little
piece of lint on your back.

Want me to get
that for ya? Heh-heh.

I'd rather give
it up to Garfield.

Oh, baby, look, uh, I
know what you're thinkin',

uh, but I'm no street trash.

I got me a crib in the 'burbs,

you know?

Two bathrooms:

one in the front
yard, one in the back.

Come on, check it out.

Hm, well...

All right.

But keep it holstered, okay?

Hey, you got it, baby.

Mmm.

Must be jelly 'cause
jam don't shake like that.

Daddy, aren't you
gonna eat your burger?

No.

I shall not soil my palate until
my cheesecake has arrived.

Can Dad's life be so empty

that a piece of cheesecake
is this important?

Is this your first day here?

It's my cheesecake!

What the hell is this?

Aw, look.

Buck brought home
a little girlfriend.

No more of Dad's shoe
for you, huh, big boy?

No, from now on,
they're both yours.

Aw, isn't she cute?

My, God, the girl reeks

of construction
workers and peroxide.

It's here! It's here!

Well, we're back.

Yeah, we got it.

You wouldn't
believe the trouble...

Do you know what
hell we went through

to get you that cheesecake?

We had to cut our
honeymoon short

so that we could
make a two-day trek

through the dark side of
Wisconsin's cheese country.

Livin' off cheese wine,
nibblin' on cheese bread,

havin' to make
cheap cheese love.

And we almost got
lost a thousand times.

Well, that's why I sent
Peg with you as a guide.

Yeah, thanks so much for
sending you wife on our honeymoon.

Without her playing
pinochle with us every night,

we don't know what
we would have done.

Well, she's been beggin'

for a second
honeymoon for years,

so I figured,
better you than me.

Kids...

here we go.

Yeow! Ugh.

Jeez, there must be
a dead man in there.

Ah, boy, you know there's
no mistakin' real cheese.

And, you know, pumpkin,
they age this cheese six months.

Where, in the belly of a bear?

Ugh.

Let's do it.

I'm going in.

This is a horrible hoax!

This isn't an authentic Chuck's
Cheese Bowl cherry cheesecake!

You went to the wrong place!

I don't think there are a
lot of Chuck's Cheese Bowls

in Tanoose, Wisconsin.

Just a belch and a holler
from Wanker County.

Where we met so many nice people

who said wise things
like, "I gots my own teeth."

Yeah, and, uh,

"I'll trade you my sister
for your Bic lighter."

Ah, yes, we had
such a great time.

We must show you the slides

of me getting fondled
at the gas station

by something that
was half-man, half-owl.

Dad, they met Cousin Hooty.

Well, anyway.

We saved the receipt
so you could repay us.

All right, I got the
money out in the car.

Good.

Thirty-four, ninety-five? Right.

We'll make it a nice
even $35 for your trouble.

Okay. Thanks a lot.
That would be good...

Like I'd really pay for
the wrong cheesecake.

Or the right one.

Man, I'm starving to
death. Where's my burger?

Hey, babe, I told you
I'd take care of you.

Now, how about sharin'
some of that burger

with your sugar doggie?

I would, but he's in Mexico.

Come on, let's go
play with the new dog.

Did anybody feed Buck?

Who's Buck?

You dirty son of a...

Come here, Buck.

Wrong cheesecake.

All I want out of life

is a rancid piece of
Chuck's Cheese Bowl

famous cherry cheesecake.

Can't even get it.

I'm so depressed.

Why can't my life be
as good as yours, boy?

Ugh, take a shower.

Well, if this is
Chuck's Cheese Bowl,

you should know
what his name is.

He was your chef for 24 years.

No, I'm not the IRS.

Chitty Chitty Cheese Bang.

In Wisconsin.

Thanks.

I don't care if he
was a war criminal.

You had no right to let him go.

Well, he made the best cherry
cheesecake in the free world.

Just tell me where he went.

Hans?

Oh, it's you, Peg.

Yeah, you miss me?
Yeah, who cares?

I'm busy, all right?

Listen, you French moron!

We saved your cowardly
wine-soaked behinds

in the war!

In all the wars!

Every stinkin' war
you ever been in!

Now you tell me where
you're hidin' Hans before I...!

Hello?

They really are
rude to Americans!

Thank you. Thank you! Thank you!

Kelly. Kelly.

I did it. I did it. I
found my cheesecake.

You were doubting
me, but I was right.

There was something
wrong with that cheesecake.

See, it was the right
place, but the wrong chef.

The chef that made
my cherry cheesecake

left Chuck's Cheese Bowl.

Daddy, you're spitting on me.

You can't me you're
not proud of your old dad.

'Cause I trailed
Hans all over Europe

till I finally found
him in Germany.

See, he had gone there to die,

but he promised to ship
me one of his cheesecakes

if I saved it as a
testimonial to his greatness,

and I agreed, but...

I'm really gonna eat it!

Hey, guys.

Watch.

This dog can do tricks.

Sit.

Foot.

Speak.

Hey.

Hey, I can do all that stuff.

Ask me somethin'.
Go ahead, ask me.

Buck, somersault.

Say what?

Gee, why don't you just
ask me to drive a car?

Hey, you want a
paw? I can do that.

Look. Here. Here's my paw.

Look how stupid Buck is.

You know, kids, we, uh,

really can't afford
to keep two dogs.

Gee, I wonder which
one gets to stay.

Aw, she's so pretty.
Aw, isn't she pretty?

Hey,

anybody want a paw?

A paw?

You know, a paw?

Hey, where's my slipper?

Where's my Game Boy?

I don't know.

I can't find my
CD or my best bra.

There it is. Buck.

Huh? Huh? What? What, what?

That's my slipper.

Bad boy.

Wait a minute.

I was dreaming about a roast.

Now, somebody set me up.

Who could have done this?

Buck, would you like
to come back in now?

And what have we learned?

Th-th-that when
you're frozen solid,

you really don't think
about sex that much.

Okay, you can come back in.

Come on.

Come.

Are you hungry, boy?

Yeah, it's a holdover
from a couple days ago.

I'll get you some food.

Is it possible God's a cat?

Cherry cheesecake
for Herr Bundy.

Well, I'm a Bundy, and I'm here.

I'm... A little bit
of French humor.

I'll take it. Yeah.

Uh, I'm Hans the chef.

I wanted to deliver this myself

so I might meet the man

who loved my cheesecake so much.

I'm sorry, but you missed him.

He would've loved
to have meet you.

It's very cold out...

Ugh, one of Dad's
socks get free?

Ugh, I wish.

It's Dad's cheesecake.

I had to chase some
sissy mary in short pants

off our front lawn.

He was babblin' at
me, callin' me "Hair."

So I...

I turned the hose on him.

With the wind chill factor,

he shouldn't make
it to the corner.

What's that I smell?

It's here.

I must open it
and let it breathe.

Yikes! Yikes!

This is what
memories are made of.

I must fetch my cheese goggles.

Now, you two may admire it,

but don't touch it.

This cheese means more
to me than both of your lives.

Well, once again, Dad has gone

where no cartoon
character has dared to go.

Yeah, but he hasn't
been this happy

since Charmin started
coming in an eight-pack.

Well, we better get out of here.

Once Dad cuts into that cheese,

neither of us will be
able to have children.

Aw, I didn't know
you and your pillow

were planning a family.

Hey.

Hey, look at that snowman

in front of the Henderson house.

Looks like a guy in shorts

givin' our house the bird.

Wonder how they did that.

A nice nap.

Gee, that bed was comfortable.

Hey, you still here?

Heh, yeah, but not for long.

The big dumb Bundy went upstairs

to get my leash.

And I think he's
takin' me to the pound.

Aw, the pound isn't so bad.

Somebody'll take you home.

I hear there's a big
demand for 9-year-old dogs

who couldn't sit if
they had no front legs.

No doubt about it.

It's you they love.

They even got that cheesecake

over there on the table for you.

I was hoping you'd
let me have a bite,

sort of a last meal.

Hm, I'll tell you what.

You did me a favor
by bringing me here,

so I guess I can do you one.

You can watch me eat it.

What do you want, ya dumb...?

Hi, Daddy.

So now what? Rub me,
wash me, walk me, what?

Daddy?

Well, I've tried to
track down Hans,

but nobody seems
to know where he is.

Jeez, I'm starving.

Nothin' in this house to
eat, not even dog food.

If I had a gun and a thumb,

you'd be dead.

Oh, tramp. No more.

The boss will be mad.

Okay.

But this is the last piece.

We have nothing. Go away!

And they keep saying
there's no recession.

Oh, no, it's you, huh?

Gee, sorry I didn't get a
chance to say goodbye,

but sound doesn't
really travel well

as high up as you got tossed.

Yeah, I had it coming.

Well, I'm here to apologize.

I should have known
you were smarter than me.

After all, you're a male dog.

Yeah.

You got that right.

You know, I could have
done those tricks too.

I just think they're...
demeaning.

I see that now.

I can't stand that I hurt you.

The only honorable
thing to do is to end it all.

If you think of me at all,

know that I loved
you just a little.

Arrivederci, mon amour.

Ohhh, wait.

Come home with
me. I'll sneak ya in.

I'll find you some food too.

But this time, as
soon as you eat,

I get some heat.

You're the boss.

Damn right.

I'm the male dog.

♪ Woman makes you stupid ♪

♪ Every man's a hound ♪

♪ She say Her love's an ocean ♪

♪ Then she pulls
you in To drown ♪

♪ Woman makes you stupid ♪

♪ Always playin'
With your head ♪

♪ Next time You'll be smilin' ♪

♪ Is the day You wake up dead ♪

♪ Woman makes you stupid ♪

♪ When she show A little tail ♪

♪ I don't know why We need 'em ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ A coffin needs a nail ♪

♪ Woman makes you stupid ♪

♪ When she show A little tail ♪

♪ I don't know why We need 'em ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ A coffin needs a nail ♪