Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 5, Episode 15 - A Man's Castle - full transcript

Is it really gonna
happen today, Daddy?

Are we really gonna eat?

That we are, kids.

And this time it's
no pipe dream.

I gave your mother some money,

towed her car to
the supermarket,

tied her hands... Tied
her hands to the cart,

put my foot on her rear,

and jump-started her
towards the meat department.

So get ready, kids,
'cause soon our mouths

will be alive with dead animals
from every race and religion.



Good. Mm.

You make it sound so good, Dad.

Tell us again what
supper was like

when you were a boy. Yeah.

Well...

You young'uns never
get tired of hearing it.

No, no. No.

All right.

Well, back in the old days,

whenever the sun would go down,

we'd all gather at a
table, much like this one.

Wow.

Matter of fact, it was this one.

And there before us,



stretched as far as
the eye could see,

was meat. Mm.

Oh, do I remember the meat.

I was only 5 years old,

but I remember
my dad telling me,

"Save your table
scraps for Mommy."

Of course we never did.

Oh, look, Dad, your
little boy's eating again.

Daddy, who made you this meat?

Well, back then, we
called her mother.

See, kids, "mother"
meant "home cooking" then.

'Course back then,
"gay" meant "happy."

Well...

Dad, were there any vegetables?

Yeah, but we pushed
them off to the side.

Save room for the
biscuits and the butter.

And not that hard butter
either that cruelly rips the bread.

But soft butter that
spreads smooth

like your grandma's
butt on a barstool.

Mm, mm, mm.

Ooh.

Where's our meat, woman?

Al, did you get these
kids into a frenzy again

over this eating thing?

You know, you
just won't be happy

till I'm as afraid to come
home as you are, will ya?

Well, this is a fine
how-do-you-doody.

You with your fairy
stories about meat,

and you, who goes to the market

and brings home what?

Something with letters

that aren't even in
alphabetical order.

Which, I suspect, are of use

for only those who can read.

Now, we were promised
food. And what do we get?

Just another meatless Monday.

This is no fun day.

It... It's the meat D.T.'s.

Bud,

take your sister for a walk.

And don't tie her to a hydrant

and go for a
soda like last time.

Just 'cause she can't think
doesn't mean she can't feel.

Honey, it'd be good for you
to be seen with a pretty girl.

Yeah, right.

They'll just think I paid
for her like everybody else.

Look. Buck has a bone.

Oh, God, it's got meat on it!

Pookie.

Yes, honey?

Take all your
clothes off right now.

Oh, baby.

You finally wanna do it.

No, but I need something
to kill my appetite.

Peg, what did you spend
the $20 on I gave you for food?

Well, I ate, of course.

And then I bought this
magazine, Amazing Homes.

Just look at this house, Al.

Why can't we have a house

with a name like
Chateau Paradise?

Well,

maybe I'm mismanaging
my $3.20 an hour.

Let's see.

Well, I'm sure that
the shoe salesman

that owns this house is, uh...

Well, wait a minute.

No, it's not a shoe salesman.

That's Bob "I'm a
zillionaire" Hope's house.

Oh, wait. Maybe this really
big house is a shoe salesman's.

No, dagnabit.
This is a drug lord.

Gee, I... I feel so worthless.
You deserve so much more.

I mean, your rear end
should be squashing a couch

much bigger than ours.

Oh, honey.

You can be so sweet
when you want to be.

But don't feel bad.

I never expected you
to amount to anything.

You know, the
guy I fell in love with

was just a crazy, carefree guy

with an easy smile
and a fast car.

'Course, he wouldn't
marry me, so I took you.

But I've never looked back.

Ooh.

Except when we kiss.

Well, don't look back
the next time I ask you

to open the garage
door for me either.

'Cause if you do, you might
see the mighty Dodge emblem

bearin' down on ya.

Yeah, like I'd really
stand in front of your car.

I'm telling you,

this magazine says we
can have a lovely home.

And it says that it doesn't
cost very much money.

All it takes is a
decorator's eye,

which I have, according
to Professor Lavar.

Professor Lavar?

How much, Peg?

You're just gonna love him, Al.

He is the professor

at the Cook County
School of Interior Design,

of which I am now enrolled.

How much, Peg? Ooh.

I feel so good.

Two thousand dollars.

I have finally found my calling,

and I knew you'd be
happy for me, honey.

Honey?

Oh, Al, watch out.

Let me get your tongue.

You spent $2000 on
a decorating school?

Uh-huh.

Well, it must be my fault.

Sure, I'll take the blame.
I didn't have to say, "I do."

I could've just taken

one of your uncle's
shotgun blasts in the back,

be done with it.

But then, honey, we couldn't
have had that great reception.

You know, where your
father whispered in my ear,

"If you like my son,
I'm twice as fun."

Ah...

Oh, come on, Al. Go with
me on this decorating thing.

I'm really good at it.
You'll see tomorrow.

My homework assignment

is to make one
room in this house

breathtakingly beautiful.

Peg,

this is my house.

If you want it to
look better, dust.

If you want it to
smell better, cook.

If you want it to
be happy, leave.

But do not touch this house.

I am not a man
happy with change.

Well, that explains your
job and your underwear.

Peg, I'm warning you.

Touch not a hair in this house.

Do not redecorate.

I won't.

A pox on you.

Like I'd notice.

Seems normal.

Yep. Normal.

Let me check upstairs.

She listened to me! It's normal!

Son, I'm glad you're here.

I wanna talk to you
about being a man.

See, son, a man...

I know what you're getting at.

Do you think I want to be
home early on a Friday night?

You think I'm not trying
desperately to get a date?

Do you think I like
hearing the chants:

"Bud, Bud, alone he'll sit.

Bud, Bud, will touch no..."

I don't wanna talk about you.

I wanna talk about my great
victory over your mother.

Revel with me, son.

She listened to me.
I put my foot down,

and your mother listened to me.

And you know why?

Because I am the man.

The chief. The king. The boss.

Bob's Big Boy with fries.

Extra cheese,
maybe a little bacon.

God, I'm hungry.

But anyway, Bud,

always remember
that the man is the boss

because the man... And
it's proven the world over.

Any country you go
to, no matter what it is,

there's always a word for man.

Dad, are you absolutely
sure you're my real father?

Yes.

Don't you know I called
for an immediate blood test?

Son, now I'm going to
go celebrate my victory

the way a man
celebrates his victory.

How long was I out?

A good 45 minutes.

Why didn't you come get me?

Dad, you're always
in there for 45 minutes.

You did 45 minutes
in the bushes one time.

That was the Jenkins'
yard. That was a good spot.

Well, their roses
won prizes that year.

Oh, hi, honey. Hi, Bud.

Hey, where's Kelly?

You know, we haven't seen her

since you took her for a walk.

So I forgot.

Well, don't worry.

I mean, how much
trouble can she get into

double-knotted
to a telephone pole

in front of the
Pussycat Theater?

Okay, Al.

Now, I know you
seen the bathroom.

What do you think?

Well, Peg,

it's just like your hair got
larger and became a room.

So you like it?

Peg, you took my
once-mighty Ferguson,

and you put a little,
pink fuzzy thing on it.

It cried out to me
in its pain, Peg.

It's a toilet,
Al. It can't talk.

Well, I've known it long
enough to know what it's thinking.

Now, you've desecrated
the toilet I call home.

Oh, Al.

There is plenty of you
left in that bathroom.

Where's my shaving cream?

In the right cup
of the bra rack.

Where's my razor?

In the tampon carousel.

Where's my deodorant?

That is a trick question.
You don't use any.

You promised, Peg.

Well, I promised not to
do a room in this house.

A bathroom is not a room.

Yes, it is a room!

It says so in the
title: "bath-room."

From the Greek, bathroqopolis.

A quiet oasis, away
from camels and women.

Now I have to machete my
way through your pantyhose

to use the one upstairs.

Oh. Gee, Al, I don't
think you wanna do that.

You see, I did that one sort of
more like a woman's bathroom.

You know, it has
ballerina faucets

and a bidet.

Oh. And a Mel Gibson
shower nozzle. Heh.

It's shaped just like his head.

God, I feel so clean.

Gee, I... I hope
Professor Lavar likes it.

Him and the entire class
are coming over tonight

to grade me on what I did.

But, Peg, now I have no
place to go to the bathroom.

Oh, stop whining, you big baby.

Look, why don't you at
least try the new bathroom.

I put a very
special feature on it.

When you flush the toilet,

it plays "We've
Only Just Begun."

Peg, you know that's
our wedding song.

Every time I hear it, it
freezes up my innards solid.

Oh, come on, honey.

Look, just try it.

If you don't like it,

you never have to do it again.

I've heard that before.

If that was true,
explain Bud to me. Oh.

No! No! Oh!

Peg? I tried
it, I don't like it.

Change it back. No.

Peg, a bathroom should
be cold, white, soothing.

It should say,

"Step up to the bowl,
pardner, and make it a double."

But, Peg, my toilet's not a man.

My Ferguson has
become... Fergie.

Change it back, Peg.

No.

I see we have...
What we have here.

We have a battle of
wills. Well, that's fine.

'Cause I will not
bend, I will not break.

I will not sit, I will not make.

Was that John Keats?

That was Bundy.

Al Bundy,

man.

And I'm telling you, Peg,

if you don't change
my toilet back,

there are plenty of
single women out there

that have just the kind
of bowls I'm looking for.

So test me, Peg,

and you'll see me
sitting in a bathroom

in a penthouse apartment

with a blond with a match
waiting outside the door.

Mother-in-law visiting again?

Yeah. How about you?

My daughter's home from college.

Ah, that's rough.

Hey, new guy.

What are you in for?

Wife made the bathroom pink.

Ho! Whoo!

Thanks, guys.

What's it like in there?

White, cool,

graffiti disparaging women,

and a couple of boasts
from guys about how long

it would take them to get
Connie Chung pregnant.

Hey, you in there.
What'd you do, fall in?

Hey, the new guy's funny.

Hey, ya bum. Ah!

What do we do now?

Well, if you don't
mind the drive,

nothing beats Barney's,
on the Wisconsin border.

They don't even have gas pumps
anymore, just acres of toilets.

Well, wait a minute, guys.

I know I'm the new guy here,

and it's not my place
to speak up, but...

what're we doing?

We're men.

We were put on this planet to...

Well, I don't know what we
were put on this planet to do,

but we're here, damn it.

And we're Americans.

And we have a right to use

the best toilet system
in the free world.

Are we to use a gas
station bathroom like some...

Some common Russki?

We're being driven
from our homes,

room by room,

running like a Frenchman
from a cap gun.

And from whom?

From our women.

They've taken over our closets,

driven us out of our bedrooms
by their very nakedness.

Now, you guys can take it,

but not this Yankee Doody Dandy.

Tonight, I'm reclaiming
my toilet bowl.

All right! Yeah!

So, what do we do now?

Well, how bad could it be?

I'm going in.

Gee, I've been needing
something for church. Heh.

Hi, honey.

What are you doing home?

I thought you were
out on the town,

marking your territory.

Woman, I have come to take
back what is rightfully mine.

My bathroom.

Oh, not now, Al.

I'm really nervous.

This is the first thing
I've done that I'm proud of

since I got 'em to up your
MasterCard limit to $100.

Hello, Mrs. Bundy. Hello.

Hi.

Class...

how many decorating
don'ts do we see?

Oh, don't mind him.

He's just choppin'
wood for his dinner.

Come upstairs and
see my bathroom.

Change it, Peg, or
suffer the consequences.

Oh, what's the worst
thing that could happen?

Ya marry me?

Then I have no choice.

♪ Now, on the day I was born ♪

♪ The nurses All
gathered round ♪

♪ They gazed In wide wonder ♪

♪ At the joy They had found ♪

♪ The head nurse spoke up ♪

♪ Said leave this one alone ♪

♪ She could tell right away ♪

♪ That I was bad To the bone ♪

♪ Bad to the bone ♪

♪ Bad to the bone ♪

♪ B-b-b-b-bad ♪

♪ B-b-b-b-bad ♪

♪ B-b-b-b-bad ♪

♪ Bad to the bone ♪

♪ I broke a thousand hearts ♪

♪ Before I met you ♪

♪ I'll break A
thousand more, baby ♪

♪ Before I am through ♪

♪ I wanna be yours Pretty baby ♪

♪ Yours and yours alone ♪

♪ I'm here to tell ya, honey ♪

♪ That I'm bad to the bone ♪

♪ Bad to the bone ♪

♪ B-b-b-b-bad ♪

♪ B-b-b-b-bad ♪

♪ B-b-b-b-bad ♪

♪ Bad to the bone ♪

♪ Bad to the bone ♪

♪ B-b-b-b-bad ♪

♪ B-b-b-b-bad ♪

♪ Whew! I'm bad to the bone ♪