Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 5, Episode 13 - The Godfather - full transcript

Well, all right, Mom.

I guess we've talked about
everyone we care about, heh,

so there's no one
left to talk about.

Al?

Al who?

Oh. Oh, Al.

Well, he's mad because
there's a streetlight out

and there's a pothole
right in front of the driveway.

Yeah, so naturally, I have to be
alert for when he comes home.

Well, when he beeps his horn,
I'm supposed to run out there

and shine this flashlight



so that he doesn't
hit the pothole.

No. I don't mind doin'
those little things for him.

You know, I mean,
he is my husband.

Well, Mom, I better be goin'.

Al will be home any minute.

Okay. Bye.

Hi, honey.

Why'd you bring the
steering wheel into the house?

Well, I figured since it isn't
attached to the car anymore,

I thought maybe you'd
like to cook it up for dinner.

By the way...

I beeped, you know.

Liar.

You know, you always do that,



say you did something
when you really didn't.

And it's not just sex either.

Peg, when you married me,

was it premeditated
or a drive-by marriage?

What difference does it make?

I missed.

Well, look, at least,
did you call the city

and tell them about the
pothole and the light?

Al, I told you I would do that

when I got off the
phone with Mom.

I asked you that this morning.

Well, I just got off
the phone with her.

Thank you, my little
"air ball at the buzzer."

Thankfully, I anticipated

your chimpanzee-like
attention to detail,

and I composed
this little letter

to the city.

Well, gee. Where'd
you find time to do that?

Wasn't today "Dusting
the Black Loafers" Day?

Ah, homework. Can a
man have too much fun?

Now, tell me how this sounds.

See, the key to dealing
with the city is that

you have to subtly
influence their way of thought

by using the most
diplomatic language.

"Dear maggots and
foul bureaucrats...

I pay taxes."

They'll never check.

"You grafting pigs use my money
to wine and dine cheap bimbos,

"never once thinking to
share them with the rest of us.

"So please fix the
hole in my driveway

"and the streetlight above it,

"and for the thousandth time,

"please...

"annul my marriage.

Signed, a voter."

They'll never check.

Mom, Dad, I am in love.

He is the greatest guy
that I have ever met.

Oh, right.

That's why you're home at 9:00.

Well, he likes to get me home
because he is a gentleman.

And he cares about me
because I am a nice girl.

Kelly, it's not that
we don't believe you,

it's just that... we
don't believe in love.

That's why our marriage works.

That's enough now, Peg.

Oh, but, honey, maybe
love will work for you.

Go ahead, tell us all about him.

Well, there isn't
really much to tell.

A-a-a-ahem, a-a-ahem, a-a-ahem.

Once again my dear sister
is prone to understatement.

But if you want this
reporter's opinion,

I shall now open the
bidding at, uh, $10.

Shut up, Bud. He's not that old.

Okay. Spill your guts.

He's 41.

You are dating a man old
enough to be my father?

Peg, she's not dating Lincoln.

Now, pumpkin, sit
over here next to Daddy.

Honey, just how much
have you loved this man?

Daddy, you know
I'm not that kind of girl.

A-a-a-ahem...

Ahem...

Now, don't get the wrong idea.

He's not like you.

He's a young 41.

I mean, he can still
get out of a chair

without going, "Ugh, agh, ugh."

And he's really sweet.

You know what he calls me?

His "little squeeze toy."

Gee, I'd love to meet him.

You'll be nice to him,
won't you, Daddy?

Uh, don't worry, pumpkin,

I'll show him the
same kind of respect

that any father would
show a 41-year-old man

who dates his teenage daughter.

Daddy, you're the best.

Now, look, I've been
on hold for three hours,

listening to the Muzak
version of "Muskrat Love."

Now, I voted for Mayor...

McCheese or
whatever his name is...

and I will wait no longer.

Now, I have a streetlight
out and a pothole.

I want you to put
down your nail polish

and sashay your fat
bureaucratic behind...

That's right, your fat
bureaucratic behind

into His Honor's office

and you tell him that
Al Bundy is on the...

Hello?

Hello, operator?
This is Al Bundy.

I would...

Hello?!

Am I truly nothing?

Could the neighborhood
children be right?

Gee, what's the matter, honey?

Well, I called the
mayor's office,

and as soon as I told
them I was Al Bundy...

Where's the TV Guide?

Oh, honey,

that's probably Kelly
with her new boyfriend.

Come on. Take care of
him fast, like you do me.

Mom, Dad? This is Harry.

Kill him, honey.

I didn't know
Kelly had a sister.

Oh. Wait a second.

Towel off, Peg.

Hi, Harry. Uh...

Would you lift your chin up

and move it slightly
to the right, please?

You know, you got
quite a pothole in front, Al.

Yeah, I know. It's
just about to be filled.

Why don't you let me
take care of it for ya?

This is Harry Ashland.

Look, there's a pothole

in front of 9764 Jeopardy Lane.

I want it fixed right away.

Consider it taken care of.

Yeah, right.

I been callin', I
been writin' letters.

There's no way in the
world the city's gonna be...

Hey, look, everybody.

It's the city. They're workin'.

Peg, they're fixi" my pothole.

They must've got
one of my letters!

I knew I could do it!

Have a banana, Al.

How'd you do that?

I'm an alderman.

That's a priest.

No, actually, it's like
a city councilman.

Well, then, why did you
want me to call you "Father"?

Never mind that now.

Wait a second. I
recognize this guy.

Hey, you're the guy

everyone says is gonna
be the future mayor.

Well... Uh, gee, Al...

don't ya think it might
be against the law

to go beatin' up
somebody... Shut up, Peg.

Harry...

I got a streetlight out.

I'd hate to bother
you with it now,

but what the heck,
we're almost family.

Here, sit down.

Peg, our finest
glass of Kool-Aid

for the future mayor here.

Al, can I see you for a second?

I'll be right back. Um...

Play with our daughter.

Kelly!

Dance for the man.

What? What?

You know, I cannot believe

that you would put a
pothole before your daughter.

Peg, we can always
have another daughter.

But as we both know,

this is the car I'm gonna
have for the rest of my life.

I must protect it.

Besides, this guy's
gonna be mayor.

And if Kelly gets
in good with him,

who knows, maybe someday I'll
be the future mayor-in-law. Huh?

Think about it, anything I want.

Huh, Peg? Free
doughnuts, free parking.

Just like the police!

Well, we could speed
and make U-turns.

And litter.

And park in the
handicapped zone!

Oh, Al.

Mom, Dad, what do you think?

Isn't he great?

We're gonna go out now, okay?

Not dressed like
that you're not.

Just a second.

There you go.

That's better.

Thank your husband for
getting our sewer fixed.

It is a pleasure to
serve our neighbors.

Oh...

Ahhh...

You know...

it's amazing.

The city has fixed the hole,

fixed the streetlight,

picked up our garbage,

planted the grass,

trimmed the hedges

and your daddy's nose hairs.

And it's incredible
we have Kelly to thank.

You know, all these years,

we thought that you would
be the success in the family.

Boy, was I wrong.

Well, gee, maybe I should
throw on a pair of Speedos

and parade around in front
of Sandra Day O'Connor.

Hey! It might mean a condo

by the White
House for the family.

Would that make you guys proud?

Oh, we're proud of you, uh...

uh...

Help me out here.

Bud.

Yeah, whatever.

Here's my little girl.

Mom, I'm going out with Harry.

Uh, not dressed
like that you're not.

Come here.

Let's see.

There.

That's better.

Bye, Mom.

Oh, uh, Bud,

keep gettin' those good grades.

It'll really pay off
in the real world.

Ohhh...

My little girl.

And to think, because of her,

we may one day be living
in the mayor's mansion.

Come on, he's not
gonna marry Kelly.

There's more to
being the mayor's wife

than dancing around
naked on tables.

Now, Bud, don't be jealous.

You're both our children.

It's just that Kelly's our
favorite now, that's all.

Hi, Peggy. We were wondering
if we could speak with Al.

Well, I don't know.

He's been awfully busy.

Oh, please. He's done so much

for everyone else
in the neighborhood.

If he could spare
us a little time.

Please, please, please?

AL: I'll speak to you.

Peg, picture, please.

Oh, Al. Please help us.

The paperboy
shows us no respect.

Well, we've complained,

but still he throws our
paper in the sprinklers,

crushing the flowers
we planted with care.

He responds to our
threats with the bird.

W-we have nowhere
else to turn, Al.

You never come
to me as a friend.

When your wife baked a pie,

I got no slice.

Now you want a favor.

We were wrong.

We want your friendship.

It is well-known when I get
food, I can deny no favors.

What can I do for you?

We seek no more than justice.

An eye for an eye.

Kill him.

This does not seem
fair but, rest assured,

your paper will be on
your porch in the morning.

But remember...

someday I may
ask you for a favor.

This day may never come, but...

we both know it probably will.

When this day does come,

you will respond
in true friendship.

Yes, Al.

Gee, that wasn't
humiliating or anything.

Well, what's the difference?

That 12-year-old punk is
gonna get what he deserves.

Al, don't you think
you're carrying this thing

a little too far?

Never ask me about
my business, Peg.

But this thing
about the neighbors

bringing over food...

Small potatoes, Peg.

What are you saying, Al?

I'm saying pass
the small potatoes

Mrs. Ricketts brought me.

I love these things.

Besides, Bundy favors
won't be comin' this cheap

for very long, Peg,

because the city shoe
contract is up for bid,

the meter-maid shoes,

and I, thanks to Kelly,
got the inside track.

Oh, Al.

You didn't come up with an
idea on your own, did you?

I did.

I bought 10,000 pair
of meter-maid shoes.

I talked to Harry.

The contract is
practically mine.

You're looking at the meter-maid
foot king of Chicago, baby.

Excuse me, Mom...

but 10,000 meter-maid shoes?

Kelly dating a smart politician?

You guys believing
an idea of this man

is gonna pay off?

I mean, am I the
only one who sees

the emperor has
holes in his underwear?

Bud, I know you've
seen a Bundy failure

once or twice before,

but, Bud, this
time, I'm telling you

it can't miss because, Bud,

this time, it's not just me.

It's me and Kelly.

I'll tell you what we'll do,

let's go shopping

and spend some of that money

that's gonna come rollin' in.

Well, before we go,

I guess what's bothering me

is that no one's including
me in the plans anymore.

I mean, I'm not Fredo.

Kelly's Fredo.

I'm the smart one.

Lately, you guys
have made me feel

like I'm not part of
the family anymore.

So if you'll just tell
me I'm overreacting

just a little bit...

I'll tell you this,

I'm not letting you
take me fishing!

Look at it, Peg.

The Bundy empire.

Tomorrow we make delivery,

and we pick up a
check for $20,000.

Oh, Al.

What's wrong, Peg?

Nothing.

I think I just had
my first real orgasm.

H-here's your paper,

and thank you for
not costing me my job.

What do I owe you?

Oh, nothing, nothing.

I-I paid for your paper
out of my own pocket.

This is good.

Uh...

forgetting something?

A whole buck!

Get used to living
like this, Peg.

I'm tellin' ya, I
was born for this.

This is my decade.

This is the Bundy decade.

Aw, Al...

Shhh, quiet, Peg.
I'm ruminating.

I'm literally drunk with power.

Al...

Ah, life is good.

But not for me.

Look, Peg.

More pictures on page three.

Guess what, everybody.

I am on the front
page of the newspaper.

How great is that?

There are no words.

Well, you could have
thrown me for a Froot Loop

when I heard he
was married, but...

I guess the signs were there

if you just know how
too recognize 'em.

The wedding ring,

the diapers in the back
seat of the station wagon.

The late-night calls from
that crazy woman going,

"Stay away from my husband,

you homewrecking little tramp."

Oh, well.

"Case of rum, case of rum,"

that's what I always say.

But you'll be glad to know

that this time, I
am truly in love.

I want you to meet my
new friend, Salt Water.

Show Daddy what you can do.

Can I call you "Dad"?

Isn't he great?

And don't worry, Daddy.

This one is single.

Bye.

Peg...

I spent everything we got

on this stuff here.

What am I gonna do?

Well...

you could lead the
failure pride parade

atop a float of
meter-maid shoes.

Or...

is that getting into
your business?

White crosses, sunlight,

nothin' works on
you anymore, does it?

But I tell you...

there are other
forces at work here.

Other dark, evil things.

If I had my wish,

it would be to get my hands

on the foul, loathsome
demon that took those pictures

and caused the downfall
of the Bundy family.