Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 5, Episode 12 - Married... with Who - full transcript

All the other parents

are throwing a party
for my soccer team.

All my friends are
having a graduation party.

I deserve it. I graduated. My
soccer team says you suck.

I want a party, now!
I want a party too!

Money, money,
money, money, money!

Mom, Daddy's gone away again.

Ah, he's just visiting
his retirement property.

Well, how are we supposed
to know? He's always a veg.

It's just as well.

I'm sick of looki"
at him anyway.



Oh!

Oh, Peg, not you.

I was in a hammock,

mourning the anniversary
of your passing.

Where were we, Daddy?

See, kids, it was a dream.

You were replaced
by two six-packs

in the refrigerator.

Well, weren't we cold?

I was. You were empty.

Oh, Al,

it's gonna take you 20
years to pay off that property.

And once it's paid off, I'm
never gonna let you go there.

Come on, honey,



take this "How well do
you know your mate?" quiz.

No, I hate those tests.

They're designed to bury men.

I'm not playing.

Question one.

Okay, you have to close
your eyes for this one.

What color is my hair?

Red.

Well, good!

Question two:

"Who would you rather
spend the night with?

A, your wife, or B..."

B.

Peggy, I need some advice.

Can we have some privacy?

Open up, babe.

Tell us what you got.

We're here for you.

Well... I went to a banking
seminar this weekend.

And I guess the
whole world knows

no one parties like a banker.

Anyway, all I know is,

I woke up this morning
with a man in my bed.

I don't even know who he is!

Well, that's easy.
He slept with you.

He's the stupidest man on Earth.

Al, we're talking about sex.

Leave it to those who do it.

Now, Marcie, this is serious.

I want you to steady
yourself and concentrate.

Was he any good?

I don't know.

I don't even know
what he looks like.

All right!

Well, when I woke up,

his head was
buried in the pillow.

But I do know one thing:

Apparently, I married him.

You got married?

Oh, let's not panic.

If you married
everybody you slept with,

you'd be Mrs. Paperboy,
Mrs. Insurance Man, Mrs. Navy.

No, idiot. I really married him.

Look at this ring.

And then there's this:

"I went to Clyde's No Blood
Test Needed Wedding Chapel

And all I got was
this lousy T-shirt."

Oh, God, it's my husband!

Don't tell him I'm here.

She's here! Come on in!

I-I saw a woman come over here.

Are...? Are one of you my wife?

All right!

Come on, sweetheart.
Let's go back to bed.

Bye, Daddy.

No, no, no, no.

You've made a mistake.

I'm your wife!

Now we can go back to bed.

Oh, shut up.

It's me! It's me!

You?

Oh, yeah! I remember you now.

You were the one on top

of the all-girl banker pyramid.

By the way, my
name is Jefferson.

I'm Marcie.

Yeah, I'm Al.

So now that the Beatles
have been reunited,

you can get the
hell out of here.

You know, despite
our rocky beginning,

I've got a really good
feeling about our marriage.

What'd you say your
name was again?

Peggy, can I talk to you?

Bud, come here.

We have enough information

to tell the neighbors
now, don't we?

To sell the neighbors.

Do you do nothing for free?

Peggy, I'm worried.

I don't know my husband.

Who does, and who wants to?

Face it, Marcie,

the average
man-woman relationship

has, tops, three
weeks of happiness.

You know, it's the
happiness you feel

when he still turns
away from you to burp,

rather than turning
towards you and saying,

"Pull my finger."

It's when he at least
tries to hit the toilet.

And when during sex,
you're not lying there thinking,

"What the hell is he doing?"

You know, you're lucky.

Your three weeks of
happiness are ahead of you.

Who cares who he is?

Look at him. He's gorgeous.

I say, saddle up, ride.

And if he breaks
a leg, shoot him.

Now, Jeff, all kidding aside...

run.

Run hard, run now,
run silent, run deep.

Run like Mexican water
through a first-time tourist,

but the key word here is "run."

Don't you think she's cute, Al?

Run.

It's just that I can hardly
believe I'm now Mrs...

Darling?

What's your last name?

D'Arcy.

Marcie D'Arcy?

I'm now Marcie D'Arcy?
What have I done?

Maybe I should start wearing

little dresses
with dots on them.

Oh, what's the matter, Marcie?

Well, aside from the fact

that I now have the name
of a cartoon character,

I'm married and I don't
even remember the wedding.

You remember this, don't you?

Oh, Al.

Mmm.

Oh, Al!

Oh, Al!

Oh, please. They're two drunks

who haven't brushed
their teeth yet.

Cut that out you two.

We don't do that in our house.

I refuse to let strangers

lay their vile customs
at our doorstep.

And the Yankees take the field.

You know what I
was just thinking?

That hangovers do come true?

No, actually, I was thinking

if you wanna have a wedding
to remember, let's have one.

Let's have the grandest
wedding we can afford.

Yes, let's!

I have $2,000 saved.

Okay. And, uh, let's see,
that brings us to a total of, uh...

$2,040.

We can book a hall.

Oh, no. You can't book a hall.

I won't hear of that.
How impersonal.

You'll have your wedding
in God's cathedral:

our backyard.

Your backyard is Buck's toilet.

No, your backyard
is Buck's toilet.

Now, what do you say?

I don't know.

Do you think we can trust them?

Of course. They look...

Perfectly trustworthy
to me, and besides,

it's a closer trip to
the honeymoon suite.

Come on, let's pace it off now.

Two thousand dollars buys
a lot of dreams, eh, babe?

Oil you up again, ma'am?

I'm sorry your husband
fell into that volcano

so he couldn't enjoy Hawaii.

They sure are
a-bitin', eh, Mr. Bundy?

Too bad the wife did a
header into that quarry.

She sure would have loved
your retirement property.

Oh, Al.

Oh, Peg.

Yeah, I want to cater a wedding.

Um, I'm expecting
about 60 people,

so I'll need about two
pounds of cold cuts.

Yeah, what's your
cheapest price?

Uh-huh.

And what kind of
animal would that be?

Well, at 12 cents a
pound, it's pretty steep.

Anyway, could you throw
in some beaks and claws?

You got a deal.

Hi, Al.

Did you know there's
a little rain cloud

that only hangs over your house?

Yeah, it showed up
after the kids were born.

What can I do for you?

Listen, Al, if Marcie should
come by asking for me,

would you tell her I went
out to buy her a gift, okay?

You're running, huh?

It's never quite the same
when you're sober, is it?

No, that's not it, Al. You see,

I just haven't found a
way yet to tell Marcie that...

Well, I have to see
my parole officer.

You mean, like,

"If there's only a bucket
of beaks at the wedding,

you'll go crazy
and start slashing"

kind of parole officer?

No, I don't want you to
get the wrong idea, Al.

I'm not a bad guy, okay?

I... I just, uh...

You know...

I stole a bunch of money
from people who trusted me.

That's all.

You're not gonna tell
anybody, are you, Al?

It's not something
I'm real proud of.

Especially since I got caught.

Well...

Jeff, I'll tell you something.

Telling Al Bundy is
just like telling the wind.

Well, thanks,
Al. I appreciate it.

That's all right. See ya.

Go ahead. Take care.

Peg!

Peg!

♪ I know a secret ♪

What? What?

Guess who's been mighty careful

not to drop anything
in the shower

the last couple of years?

Who? Who?

Don't tell me! Don't tell me!

Charades!

All right.

This is about...

our new neighbor... Jefferson.

Jefferson! Right!

Now, the second part is about...

where he was
before he met Marcie.

Okay, now, sounds like...

"Hisson."

Hisson...

Misson...

Kisson...

Disson...

You're not listening
to what I'm saying.

All right, now try this.

Two syllables. First word.

What do Jefferson, Pete Rose,

and your cousin all
have in common?

Prison!

Jefferson was in prison!

Yes!

Gee, that's great.

Does Marcie know?

No, and we're not
gonna tell her either

because then she'll
cancel the wedding,

and I won't get to pay
off my retirement property.

You mean our trip to Hawaii.

Yeah.

Yeah. That's what I meant.

Oh, kiss me, you fool.

Mmm-mwah.

Get your rice!

Get your wedding rice here!

Get your rice!

Al.

Honey, what is Bud's soccer team

and Kelly's model friends
doing here at the wedding?

Oh, I had to cut a
deal with the damn kids.

They said they'd spill the beans

if I didn't give 'em a party.

They blackmailed me, Peg.

This lack of ethics,

where does it come from?

Well, I blame it on TV myself.

You don't think this is gonna
cut into our profit, do you?

That's why I eliminated
some of Marcie's guests.

Where's my mother?

She won't be here,

and you should hear
this from a friend:

She doesn't love you anymore.

Get your red hots here!

Well, and where's Aunt Mary?

Mary, Mary, Mary...

Oh, she got got snowed in.

She lives in Phoenix.

Oh, yeah. that was
Ida who got snowed in.

No, Mary's the one who, uh...

Who died.

Get your wedding pretzels!

Welcome to my wedding.

Are you a friend of the groom's?

Al, I think Marcie's
getting suspicious.

We better get the
show on the road

and get me to Hawaii.

I wanna be there for the
running of the Samoans.

Okey-dokey.

Well, what's that?

That's the reverend.

That's Captain Hank.

See, a lot of these
Church-affiliated,

land-lovin' reverends

want money to perform
a wedding ceremony.

But not old Captain Hank.

You give him a bottle
of redeye and a Playboy,

and he'll marry your
mother to a cow.

Retirement Property One
to Garbage Scow Toxica.

Come in.

Toxica here, Al.

We're heading into a squall.

Let's kick this
wedding into gear, huh?

All right, everybody?
Take your places.

Places, everybody.

Where's Reverend Applebee?

Uh, he had an exorcism
in Akron. Let's go!

Let's go!

Daddy, this is the
bestest graduation party

a girl ever had.

Thank you.

She's so dumb she doesn't
even know she's at a wedding.

Are you sure you spent

the whole $2,000 on the wedding?

You can look at all this

and ask me a question like that?

Well, the bridesmaid's in place.

That's not my sister.

Hey, unlike your sister,

at least he cares
enough to be here.

Now, bring on the orchestra!

♪ Fun ♪

Honey, enough of the music now.

Jefferson, Jeff...
Come this way.

You two approach the speaker.

Captain Hank, you still there?

Yeah, but we're
takin' on water here.

Have the couple join hands.

They're already joined, Hank.

Do you take this
woman to be your wife?

I-I do.

I can't hear ya.

He did, Hank!

Now the broad. Do you take...?

I would now like to read
a poem I wrote to my love.

Jefferson My sudden love

My love so true My shining...

Can't hear ya, hon!

I do!

I now pronounce you...

Damn it, we just
hit a speedboat.

You're now husband and wife.

Full astern. Let's
get outta here!

You may now kiss the bride.

I may now kill the host.

This is the worst
day of my life!

Where are my guests?
Where's the photographer?

I... I did better than that. I
got a wedding artist. Bud.

Copies will take
a couple of weeks.

Al Bundy, you will pay for this!

You're a cheat,
a thief and a liar!

Well, now...

Would it make
you feel any better

if I gave you a wedding present?

Well, it's a start.

Okay.

Your husband was in prison.

You were in prison,
and you didn't tell me?

Well, I think it's time
to go to the airport.

Kids, turn on the
sprinklers. Wedding's over.

Son!

You're looking at the
official owner of lot 31,

right across the highway

from a view of Lake
Chicamocomico.

Cool, Dad. Where's Mom?

She's at the airport.

Oh, don't worry, she can
earn enough to get home.

She took her accordion with her.

Where's your sister?

Oh. She went to
Wisconsin with the bikers.

Okay.

Al?

Hey, Jefferson.

Where's the blushing bride?

She's jabbing a fork

into the eyes of
the little groom

that was on top of
our wedding Twinkie.

Ah.

Good. Good, good, good.

Son, now look here.

These giant redwood trees?

They're over a
thousand years old.

I'm gonna cut me
one of these down,

use it for the base
of my satellite dish.

Listen, Al, I just
stopped by to thank you

for utterly betraying my trust.

It was malicious and foul,

but I think it's gonna
turn out to be a blessing.

I mean, it helps
get our marriage off

to a honest, healthy,
harmonious start.

Jefferson D'Arcy,

get your lying, inmate
ass over here now!

Oh, no.

You know, in prison I
could have had her silenced

for three cigarettes.

Oh, well.

Wait. By the way, Mr. D'Arcy,

What were you in for, anyway?

Nothing big.

Just a scam to sell plots
around this toxic little waste pond

called Lake Chicamocomico.

The place is so contaminated

it won't be safe for habitation

till the year 5 million.

Now, it hit the
news four years ago.

Would you believe it?

Some of the truly stupid
are still sending in payments.

Ah, stupid.

Well, it beats going to
Hawaii with your mother.

And what's 5 million
years in the, uh...

scheme of the life of one man?

Well, Dad,

you always got your dreams.

Yeah, right.