Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 5, Episode 11 - And Baby Makes Money - full transcript

After Al's bachelor uncle dies, he leaves $500,000 to the first of his relatives to produce a newborn baby named after him. Al overcomes his usual aversion to sex with Peg. Unknown to him, she is secretly staying on the pill, to keep Al wanting sex with her, and having decided that no amount of money is worth going through pregnancy a third time.

Why do we have go
through the family album

and X out the dead guy?

Well, Dad said it
helps at Christmastime.

"Never send a present

to someone who
won't send one back."

Then we should X
out Mom and Dad.

Soon enough, Kel. Soon enough.

Well, I guess it's buenos nachos

to Uncle Stymie.

Yup. Uncle Stymie
was the only Bundy

to have died of natural causes.



And to be named
after a Little Rascal.

I can't believe this
guy's actually rich.

Was he a real Bundy?

Well, Dad explained it to me.

He was the only male
Bundy never to marry.

I just hope Dad's not
too broken up over this.

I mean, Uncle Stymie
was his favorite.

Oh, God, why did
it have to be him?

Why did it have to be him?

W-was that convincing, Peg?

I wasn't pushing
it too much, was I?

I mean, I don't wanna seem
greedy at the will reading.

Well, then maybe you
shouldn't have asked

for dibs on his gold fillings.



What do you think,
Peg? Hankie? No hankie?

Uh, better no hankie.

It's still crusty from that
flu that hit the family in '84.

Hey, what do you think
your uncle was worth, Dad?

Bud, how can you put a worth

on the life of a man
like Uncle Buckwheat?

Stymie, Al.

What's the difference?

Neither one of them
were germane to the plots.

The point is he
saved all his money,

and now, I'm gonna get it.

Let's go, Peg.

Hey, wait a minute.

You two aren't going.

Why?

We loved Uncle Spanky

just as much as the next man.

You don't even know his name.

Look, what Daddy means

is that the sadness would
just be too much for you kids.

They're not coming back.

They're taking the money
and leaving. I know it.

Now, kids, do you really think

we could enjoy this money

without sharing it with you?

We're going to this funeral.

All right.

But before you do, I
think we should all have

a moment of silence
for our dear Uncle, uh...

Gang.

Amen.

We've been had.

"And so the legacy

"I, Stymie C. Bundy, leave you,

"the last surviving male Bundys,

"is proof that a male Bundy
can achieve greatness.

"Did I mention that
I never married?

"Well, regardless,

"I'm sure you men

"have all become
successful in your own ways.

"Iggy Bundy,

"I'm sure you became

"the astronaut you dreamed of.

"Lester Bundy,

"I'm sure you
achieved your dream

"of becoming a brain surgeon.

"Eugene Bundy,

"I wonder if you
achieved your goal

of becoming bank president."

I did.

"And last, and
most certainly least,

"Al Bundy.

Al, get your hands
out of your pants."

"You never really had a dream,

"but I only hope
you had the sense

"to dump that wild
redhead who stole my wallet.

"In conclusion,

"rather than dividing my estate

"between all you vultures,

I've decided to make
one Bundy really happy."

If it's you, Al, I
really love you.

If it's me, I... I don't
even know you.

"Therefore, it is my final wish

"that the first couple to
give birth to a Bundy male

"named after me

"and born in wedlock...

"will receive my entire estate.

That sum being $500,000."

Uh, this may be
a stupid question,

but why would you hide
your birth control pills?

Safety precaution.

Oh. Kelly.

No. Al.

Heh.

He got ahold of them once.

He thought they were food

I was hiding in my purse.

So he ate them while
watching a ball game.

Heh.

You know, he
actually kind of liked it,

because he didn't have
to shave for a month.

I don't get it.

Why take birth control,

when you could get 500,000 bucks

for a Bundy baby boy?

Plus what the zoo
would pay you for it.

You know, I wouldn't
have another baby

if gold dust dripped
out of its nose.

I mean, sure, the
money would be nice,

but I mean, all that trouble.

The screaming
and the crying and...

changing those diapers
three or four times a week.

Well, at least that left
your weekends free.

You'd think. Heh.

But I mean, you go
away for the weekend,

and when you come home,

they are never
where you left them.

And then, of course, there's
that 10 months of pregnancy.

Ten?

Male Bundys never
wanna come out.

Oh, and then once they're out,

they never wanna
go back in again.

But, you know, for once,
Al is excited about sex.

And I am not gonna
dampen his enthusiasm

with little details.

So let me get this straight.

You're turning down half a mil

to have sex with Al for free.

Mm-hm.

Personally, I would
rather drive back and forth

over a speed bump.

But I guess that's just me.

And every other
woman in the world.

By the way, where
is the stallion?

Oh, he's out buying Playboy,
Penthouse, Biker Babes, heh.

You know, a little
gas for the engine.

How disgusting

that a man should
need outside stimulation.

It's so insulting to a woman.

Who do you think of
when you're with Al?

James Bond.

All of them.

How about you?

Oh, I like to keep
my fantasies simple.

It starts with me in a
really tight, short dress

at the end of a bar.

At the other end,

they're greasing up Mike Tyson.

He's shadowboxing
and starting to sweat.

Then the scene changes.

It's now Madison Square Garden.

A smoky crowd
throbs with anticipation.

"Go, Marcie," they buzz.

Tyson turns into George Foreman,

who eyes me like
a basket of muffins.

The bell rings.

I try to fight, but
I'm powerless.

Then our eyes meet.

He gives me the old one-two.

The crowd is on
its feet cheering.

I'm down. The count starts.

The crowd's screaming,
"Get up!" But I can't.

I won't!

Take me, Mandingo!

And then... sometimes
I get a little kinky.

Peg...

tonight your name is Guinevere,

and you were born in... Yikes!

Now look what you've done.

You might have cost me $500,000.

What are you doing here?

Collecting smells for the poor.

You have so much.

Couldn't you please spare
some for those poor unfortunates

who have no odor
to call their own?

Peg, this is not
helping Lancelot.

Marcie, I'll call you
when we're done.

So you better run home
and get by the phone.

It'll be ringing in
about a minute.

Let's go, baby.

Well, what's wrong, honey?

Marcie looked at me.

I might be shot for the night.

I need some...

I need some incentive.

Incentive.

Incentive.

Okay.

We're in a boxing ring.

You're George
Foreman, and I'm, uh...

Oh, no, no, no.
That's my incentive.

Okay. Uh, you want
me to run upstairs

and put on a garter belt?

Ah...

How about my short pink teddy?

You're not helping me, Peg.

I need some real incentive.

Okay. Okay, honey, I got it.

Now, just picture this:

you're sitting on the couch

in front of a big-screen TV.

Forty-inch?

I wish.

What?

I mean, yeah.

So there you are,

in front of this big-screen TV.

And on top of it is
this nice, shiny VHS.

Just look how
clear that picture is.

Slow down, baby. Slow down.

And every machine in this house

is wired to one
remote control unit.

And that remote control

is yours, big boy.

Let's go, Peg.

We got things to
do, eyes to blindfold,

and babies to make.

You know, it may not
work the first time, honey.

I don't care.

If it takes a million
tries and a million tears,

that young'un shall be yours.

And that money shall be mine.

Come on, babe.

Let's go die a little.

"To test for pregnancy,

mix sample A with reagent B."

What's reagent B?

Hi, Daddy. What you doing?

Uh, nothing you need
to know about, honey.

Oh, a home pregnancy test.

Let me show you.

Now, you just fill the
dropper to the line...

and then shake the mix
with the anti-HCG conjugate.

Put it back into the stand,

add the litmus key...

And if the test area...

Not the control area turns blue,

then you have a
positive reading.

I, uh...

saw the professor do
it on Gilligan's Island.

Oh, well, that's okay.

Now, it's clear.

What does that mean?

Well, it means that
you can still take PE.

Al.

Honey, my temperature's up.

I can't believe it.

Two weeks, and
she's not pregnant yet.

It's like having
two menial jobs.

Having fun, Dad? Go on with you.

Any Bundys get pregnant yet?

Nope.

Good. I still got a shot.

I just can't believe the babes
haven't been calling though.

I mean, I'm offering
me and a half million.

I mean, I'll even
marry the broad.

What more could a girl want?

A spine-crushing accident?

A bald spot?

A weekend in Des Moines

with Orville Redenbacher
and his really cool grandson?

I know you're just kidding.

Because I'm cool.

I am.

I know I am.

I took the quiz in Boys' Life.

Come on, Peg!

Tell me what I wanna hear, baby!

Five hundred
thousand dollars, baby!

Half a mil!

What if they do
have another baby?

It'll be so confusing.

I mean, what
would that be to me?

A tutor?

Well, I hope they don't do it.

I remember before you hatched,
I used to get some attention.

I like to think that if
you were never born,

that I would have been the
one who was able to read.

There, that should have done it.

♪ He works hard For the money ♪

♪ So hard for it Honey ♪

♪ He works hard ♪

♪ For the money ♪

♪ So you'd better ♪

♪ Treat him right ♪

♪ He works hard For the money ♪

♪ So hard for it Honey ♪

♪ He works hard For the money ♪

♪ So you'd better
Treat him right ♪

♪ He works hard ♪

♪ For the money ♪

♪ Hard for the money ♪

♪ So hard for it Honey ♪

♪ Hard for it Honey ♪

♪ He works hard For the money ♪

♪ So you'd better ♪
♪ Better ♪

♪ Treat him right ♪

♪ He works hard, hard ♪
♪ Hard, hard ♪

♪ Hard for the money ♪

♪ Hard, hard ♪

♪ Hard for it Honey ♪

♪ Hard for the money ♪

♪ So you'd better ♪

♪ Treat him right ♪

♪ He works hard, hard, hard ♪

♪ Hard, hard, hard, hard... ♪

Hi, Mom.

What are you doing?

Uh... I'm, uh...

taking fertility pills.

There. All fertile.

Where's Daddy?

Oh, uh, he's out back
getting some exercise.

Hm.

Al. Honey.

My temperature is
higher than it's ever been.

Daddy said he
can't do it anymore.

You're killing him.

Oh, come on, Al.
Just one more time.

You'll never have
to do it again.

Daddy says that he
can "snargly heathe."

Hardly breathe.

Al...

It's half a million dollars.

You could get cable
with that kind of money.

He says, "Let's boogie."

Do you want your
Gatorade, Daddy?

Okay.

Brace me.

God, he's light as a feather.

Hello.

I'm looking for Mr. Al Bundy.

I was Al Bundy.

I'm personally
letting the heirs know

that the race is over.

Thank God.

Who won?

I did.

You're not a Bundy.

I am now.

Right after the will
reading, I married Eugene.

Come, Eugene.

This is the product of
our greed: Stymie, Jr.

I got Eugene a kind of
work release program.

And work he did.

Honey, I'll... I'll
be out in six years.

You...? You'll hold the
money for us, won't you?

Of course, darling.

Now, just don't get shot
trying to escape or something.

Then what would I do?

So long, Uncle Eugene.

Well,

there's another fruitcake

we won't have to
send at Christmas.

Well, at least it's over.

But I don't get it.

A thousand times, and nothing.

I barely touched her,
and I had you two.

Well, at least my
appetite came back.

Al, it's planting time.

I'd like to plant a shovel
right between her barren eyes.

But first, some food.

Then I'll be able to
watch TV sitting up again.

Hey, I remember these.

Tasty, crunchy.

Good for snacking
right out of the box.

Daddy, don't eat those.

Those are birth control pills.

No, they're not.
They're fertility pills.

Mom's been taking them.

Al, I'm waiting.

Leave me.

Uh, Dad...

Leave me.

Be right there, punny.

I-I just wanna check
your last test first.

Gee, I hope it's positive.

Oh, I have a good
feeling about this one.

Oh, for joy.

For joy!

We are blessed!

We're what?

We're what?

We did it, babe.

Well, that's impossible.

That can't be.

I mean, not that I'm
not really happy. I...

Oh, God.

Ah, there, there,
my little baby oven.

Don't you ever touch me again.

Oh.

Diapers and doodie.

Feed me. Wash me.

Unlock my door.

Oh, my life is truly over.

Well, at least
there's the money.

Oh, honey. I forgot to tell you.

I found out today that
someone beat us to it.

But, honey, why should we worry?

We have a love child on the way.

Wouldn't it be great
if we got twins?

I feel fat!

Oh, honey, that means
just more of you to love.

Like 100 pounds.

Gee, I hope you don't get
morning sickness again.

You know. I-isn't it, like,
every day around this time?

Gee, I don't feel so good.

Ah, it's gonna be lots of fun.

A-and you'll be beautiful,
what with that glow

and the varicose veins, and...

your nose swelling up
like a Christmas wino.

But, honey, as I recall,

pregnancy was the
happiest time of your life.

Well, that and the three years

it took you to lose the weight.

Al, you are a pig.

Yeah, but it won't
be me squealing

those 40 hours during labor.

Wh...? What's the matter, honey?

You look kind of pale.

H-how about some
nice clams and peas?

Eh, tomorrow, I'll
shrink all her clothes.

Oh, mother of God!

Yeah, you can't
buy that for half a mil.