Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 10, Episode 12 - Bearly Men - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

PEG'S MOM: Margaret, I'm
down to my last bite of lunch.

Where the hell's my dinner?

Coming, Mom.

I'm just trying
to add some fruit

to make sure you
have a balanced diet.

PEG'S MOM: Well, make it quick.
My stomach is starting to growl.

[RUMBLING]

KELLY: Hey, Bud,
hurry up with that beer.

I don't think the
foundation can hold

another one of
Grandma's belly quakes.



Ah, she'll calm down soon.

I put some Valium
in with the mixed nuts.

Hey, Grandma, pull it up
on the count of three. Okay?

One, two... Hey, Grandma, hey!

PEG'S MOM: Hey,
kid, get off my ham.

[YELLS]

Bud, if you wanna get from
Grandma's room to the basement,

you should probably
use the stairs.

[CHUCKLING]

Hey, Peg.

You know what I was
dreaming about at work today?

Me, Al?

Yes, Peg.

Was I in bed?



Yes, you were.

In fact, I tied you up.

Oh, well, that
sounds so kinky, Al.

What were you doing?

Cindy Crawford.

[LAUGHING]

Hey, Peg, where's my beer?

Maybe Cindy drank it.

[YELLS]

Hey!

PEG'S MOM:
Recycle those, please.

Isn't that great, Al? She's
trying to save the earth.

She is the earth, Peg.

Me and the floorboards
can't take any more of her.

Al, why are you so
negative about my mom?

I love her, and the kids
are thrilled that she's around.

Dad, we hate Grandma.

She must go.

That's it. I'm calling
a family meeting.

All in favour of getting rid of
Grandma raise your hands.

All opposed.

It's unanimous, she goes.

Have a heart, Al.

If it wasn't for Mom, I
wouldn't even be alive.

Look, the only way

that you are getting my
mother out of this house

is if my daddy comes and
takes her home to Wanker.

Peg, I've asked that
idiot a million times

to come take her back.

He won't listen to me.

Well, of course he won't.

Wanker elders live
by a very strict code.

"Marry fat, marry family"?

No, Al. The code is:

"Only listen to someone who
is as much man as you are."

So if you want Mom
out of this house,

you are gonna have to find a
way to prove yourself to my dad.

Hey, wait, wait. I got an idea.

Now, what does Grandpa
love to do more than anything?

Stand by the roadside
and flash cars?

No, besides that. Go hunting.

Bud, will you come on?
You're slowing us down.

Think you could help
me out here a little bit?

All right. Let me
lighten your load.

Ungh. This trail mix here,
now this is good stuff. Mm.

You want some,
Ephraim? No, no, no.

I always hunt on
an empty stomach.

That way the alcohol
hits you harder.

[MAKES STRANGE NOISE]

[SIGHS]

Well, what are we
hunting today, Ephraim?

Opossum? Squirrel?

Some other one
of your relatives?

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

No, Mr. Can't-Blow-His-Nose-
Without-A-Kleenex,

we are hunting bear.

Bear?

Well, call me stupid, but
why are we hunting bear?

Well, stupid,

just asking them
to kill themselves

doesn't seem to be working.

Dad, this is nuts.

Isn't there a nudie
bar around Wanker

we could take him
to prove we're men?

Son, there is,

but Wanker strippers are scarier
than anything in these woods.

Now, listen, son. I was raised
on the mean streets of Chicago.

Nothing scares me.

In the darkest realm of night,

I've stared right
in the face of hell

and I've said, "Peg,
can't you get some sleep?"

So nothing scares me, boy.

You're right, Dad. You're right.

Let's go bag us a bear.

Let's show this country codger
what city smarts are all about.

Oh-ho, I wouldn't venture
in there if I was you, boys.

Chill out, grandpa,
and make us a fire.

We're bringing home some dinner.

Judging from the way
those branches are broken,

I'd say the bear is
a... [BEAR GROWLS]

BUD: My God, we're gonna
die! AL: A bear! A bear!

[MAKES STRANGE NOISE]

I can't believe that
worthless geezer

left us here on our own.

Well, to be fair,
he left us a map.

Unfortunately, it's a
map of Epcot Center.

The important thing here,
son, is to get some rest.

First light, we'll find the car,

we'll hit the road,
track grandpa down

and turn him into roadkill.

Good night, son.

Good night, Pop. [GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

Jeez, it's lumpier than
sleeping with your mother.

How come you're
so comfortable, Bud?

Well, 'cause I, uh, brought
an air mattress with me.

Dad.

I know we're city tough,

and as an extra precaution you
hung your socks from the branch,

but in case that
bear does come back,

I just want you to know

I love you, man.

You're not getting my beer, Bud.

Now, try and get some sleep.

I'd sleep a lot better if I knew a
little more about these woods.

Well, what's there to know?

You hid all the
food from the bears

in your sleeping
bag, didn't you?

Yeah, just like you told me.

Fine. Then everything
will be all right.

Good night, son.

Good night.

[OWL HOOTS]

What's that? Just
an owl. Good night.

That's cool.

[CRICKETS CHIRP]

Just, uh, crickets, right?

That's right, nighty-night.

Good night.

[BANJO PLAYING]

[BANJOS PLAYING]

[YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

Leave us alone!

[YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

Dad, I hit something.

I hit something.

It's a... It's a
bear! It's a bear!

It's a bear! It's a big bear!

[GRUNTING]

It's dead. I killed a bear!

Son, do you realize
what this means?

This is an opportunity for us to
show grandpa that we're men.

See, we track him down,
we show him the bear.

Then he's gotta
take Jabba the Hutt

back to that Star Wars
bar where she belongs.

Aw, son, what are
you doing with that?

BOTH: ♪ Daniel Boone was a man ♪

♪ He was a big man ♪

[BOTH LAUGH]

Are we not men?
We are manly men.

I can't wait to show
grandpa what we got.

Aw, he's never gonna believe
we actually killed a bear.

♪ Grandma Wanker was a woman ♪

BOTH: ♪ She was a big woman ♪

♪ With the breath of a wino
And chins of a rhino was she ♪

Daddy is gonna be so
happy we got him all this beer.

But I don't understand
why it cost 50 bucks.

Well, it was $20 for the beer,

then there was the $30 that I
tipped the clerk for carding me.

Hey, Mom, do you think
Dad's gonna be successful

in getting Grandma and
Grandpa back together?

Gee, I hope so. They
used to be so happy.

I mean, look. Here's a picture
of grandpa on a seesaw.

Now, here's one of grandma
getting on the seesaw.

Oh, and here's grandpa
flying over the power lines.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, look, their
wedding photos. Yeah.

There's grandma taking

the first bite of
the wedding cake,

which also happened to
be the last bite of the cake.

Mom, do you think that
will ever happen to me?

What? Getting married?

No. Gaining 700 pounds.

BOTH: ♪ Daniel Boone was a man ♪

♪ He was a big man ♪

[SINGING INDISTINCTLY]

Look what we got.

Wow, cool, a wheelbarrow.

Oh, Daddy. Al did it.

He convinced you he
was a man. Yes, sir.

He proved to me that
he can tame wild animals

better than Siegfried
and Roy put together.

Which is a picture I'm trying
to get out of my head right now.

Peg, I killed him with
these bare hands.

Oh, Al. Ha-ha-ha.

I always knew that your feet
were lethal, but I had no idea.

Peg, Peg, please, I've been
in the woods. I'm dirty enough.

Besides, Ephraim and
I had a little discussion,

and he's decided
to do something.

Margaret, I have come to
pick up my darling baby bride.

Oh, Daddy, you really
do miss her, don't you?

I do.

[SOBBING]

I wouldn't wanna see
her in a bikini again,

but I do miss her.

Yeah, that's why I've come

to hang a wide-load
banner on her backside

and ride her on home.

Guys, we better get her packed
before Grandpa changes his mind.

[AGREEING INDISTINCTLY]

PEG'S MOM: Ephy,
darling. Is that you?

Yeah, mama. I'm
coming to free Willy.

[SNORTING]

LUCKY: Live bear.

Big live bear.

[RUSTLING, CRASHING]

I'd bark real loud
and alert the family,

but since I haven't been fed
in weeks, the hell with them.

Bye, bye, bear.

I guess that's the
last of the luggage.

I got the Fudgsicles here.

I got the Klondike bars.

I got the Eskimo Pies.

Well, I can hardly wait to
get the... little woman home.

Yeah, you better leave
before her luggage melts.

Don't worry, she'll
have this scarfed down

before we get to the
end of the driveway.

Oh, Al, uh, have you
noticed something?

Hm?

Big hairy animal.

Oh, darn, Bud. Thank you.

Peg, you got your
hair done. It looks nice.

The bear is gone, Daniel Goon.

Wait a minute, maybe Mr. He-Man
didn't kill that bear after all.

Maybe he was just hibernating.

I know the difference
between hibernating and dead.

That bear was dead.

My wife is hibernating.

Hey, Marcy,

did you see some guy
dragging off my dead bear?

He's not dead, you chucklehead.

He just violated my Mercedes.

How do you know?

Because we were in it.

Marcy, are you
okay? Oh, I'm all right.

A little in shock
and a little jealous.

Jealous?

Well, you should have seen
him go and go and go and go.

Oh, my God, if
a car could smile.

[LAUGHS]

One thing I know for sure.

Tonight, Jefferson,

we're playing
Buick and the Beast.

I-I-I-I don't know, Marcy. I
may need some counselling.

And I think you're gonna have
to do all the work for a while.

I'm not... I'm
not gonna do it...

[MUTTERING]

Well, I'd like to hear a little
more about your ménage à bear,

but Ephraim here has to forklift
his bride across the threshold.

Are you crazy?

Leave that horndog of a
bear rampaging this city?

Mama can wait. We
gotta track that bear down.

Hey, you guys, I saw
this documentary once

where the park ranger
captured the bear

by putting out a picnic basket.

Kel, did this documentary
perhaps take place

in Jellystone National Park?

Yeah. Did you see it too?

Well, since there's nobody
here who's man enough,

I guess I'll have to track
that bear down myself.

Oh, and, uh, Al,
promise me one thing.

If anything happens to me,

you take care of my
bride forever and ever.

Bud, get in the car.
We're going hunting again.

Hey, hey, Ephraim. Slow down.

We're not in the woods anymore.

What are you talking about?
Bear hunting is bear hunting.

Now, why don't you
10-fingered nose-breathers

just let me handle this?

All right? I can... Wait
a minute. There he is.

He's mine.

[CRIES OUT]

Pervert.

[SPUTTERING]

BOY 1: Get out of the way!

BOY 2: Beat it!

[CAR ALARM WAILING]

[CAR ALARM STOPS]

You know, something tells
me I'm not in Wanker anymore.

You can say that again.

This is the city,
Ephraim, the big city.

My turf. Now, we're gonna
catch that bear my way.

[♪♪♪]

[CRASHING]

Look.

The bear's been here. MAN: Yeah.

Which direction did he go?

Dad, I think the guy
needs some help.

Are you really stuck
in there? MAN: Yeah.

Mm. Mm, yeah.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

He's close.

How can you tell?

Because no human could
possibly drink more than one Zima.

BUD: Hey, Dad, look, look, look.

Good evening, gentlemen.
I see you've met our friend.

Yogi's with us, man. So beat it.

Yeah. Scram. Get lost, buddy.

Bud, hold my coat.

Hold our coats, Grandpa.

Oh, boy. Uh, Al, ahem, why
don't you let this one G-O?

There's plenty of other
bear in the W-O-D-S.

Ephraim.

My turf.

Any last words, punk?

Yeah, your wife is good in bed.

[LAUGHS]

So you're a liar too?

Drop him. Drop him.

Look out, Dad, right here.

Dad, look out,
look out! [GRUNTS]

You all right?
I'm all right, boy.

[SIGHS]

Wow, that was really something.

Thanks, Ephraim. Eh, see you.

"See you"? What do
you mean, "see you"?

We're going to the house
and collect your wife.

Oh, I-I'm not gonna do that, Al.

Well, what do you
mean not gonna do it?

Didn't I prove to you
that I'm a real man?

Yeah, but you also
proved that I'm not one,

and until I can be
a man just like you,

I don't deserve a
little bride like mama.

Wait a second, Ephraim.

You're the most
courageous man I know.

Why... Why, you've
seen that woman naked

and y-you're still
around to tell about it.

Hey, I seen her in
a nightie one time,

my pupils are still dilated.

Well, those are kind words,
Al, but I know when I'm licked.

I'll come back for
mama sometime.

In the meantime,
you just remember

she needs nine squares a day.

I knew we should have
killed him in the woods

when we had the chance.

W-w-wait a sec. Maybe
all is not lost, look.

Well, that's good, son, but
we don't have any money.

[BEAR GROWLS]

I don't think we'll
be needing any.

[WOMEN SCREAMING]

[♪♪♪]