Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 10, Episode 10 - Dud Bowl II - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

Oh, Al,

you even brushed your teeth.

Hey, you're not Al.

LUCKY: Yeah, and
you're no Mars Bar.

A fat woman creatured her
way into the shoe store today.

Let me guess, Al.

She sat down, and
then she couldn't get up.

No, Peg. That would be you.

Oh, honey, I can get
up, but why would I?

To give the cushions a breather?



Anyway, this three-times-a-lady

told me that the
Kyoto National Bank

was buying a new football
scoreboard for Polk High.

Oh, much better
than a new library.

That's exactly what I said.

But the best part is, Peg,

they're dedicating it

to the most famous
Polk High football legend.

A hint: four touchdowns
in one game.

You?

Well, it's not official yet,

but who else went to Polk

scored four times in
one game besides you?

[BOTH LAUGHING]



Al, why do you think you'd win?

I mean, Marcy works
at the Kyoto Bank

and she hates
you more than I do.

Oh, hold on, now, Peg.

Marcy and I have
a lot in common.

Wrong house.

We both live on the
same side of the street.

Both married deadbeats.

I eat chicken. She is one.

Dad... Dad she's had
you arrested over 20 times,

and you call her "the
little neighbor boy."

A pet name.

Listen, uh, Bud. I want
you to go over there

and I want you to pick
up that unsightly trash

that's been
accumulating on her yard.

Dad, you threw it there.

You wanna talk to
me a little bit outside?

Hm? Fine.

Just do it.

[KNOCKING]

Didn't I tell you to...

That you are the
most attractive,

vibrant woman I have ever seen.

Wrong house.

He thinks you're here
about the scoreboard.

Well, as a matter of fact, I am.

I told you, Peg.

The nominating committee

wants to dedicate the new
Polk High football scoreboard

to you, Al.

Moi?

What a surprise.

Well, before you brush
off your good underwear...

there is still one obstacle
that lies between you

and the eternal
happiness you seek.

You heard her, Peg. Get out.

Not her, Al.

Me.

You know, Marcy, I
used to call you a chicken,

but in this light

you look more like
the stately peacock.

Save it.

I told that committee
that there had to be

a better football player
that came out of Polk.

So they've given me
24 hours to find one.

They can give you 24 lifetimes,
and a new set of tail feathers,

you'll never be able
to find a better one.

Maybe so.

But I will not rest until
someone else's name

is on that scoreboard.

Dad, I finished cleaning
up the D'Arcys' yard.

Where you want me to put this?

Put it back where you found it.

Before you throw
it over the fence,

light it on fire.

Here, Mr. D'Arcy. Here
are all the yearbooks

from my senior
years in high school.

Well, thanks, Kelly.

So far we found only
one football player

in Polk High history

who can even hold a
candle to your father.

He's trying to reach him now.

Yeah, is Scooter MacPhee there?

He is not? He's where?

Leavenworth? That's great.

I mean, it's great that he's
off the streets. Bye-bye.

Jefferson, he killed a
whole mess of people.

He won't be out for months.

[ALL LAUGHING]

That scoreboard is mine.

[CHEERING]

Congratulations.

Oh, Daddy, this is so
great. It's kind of like...

It's kind of like a real
father getting a promotion.

Only better, pumpkin,

because I may not have a lot
of money or a job I can stand,

or people I wanna come home to,

but now I'm going
to have a scoreboard

that proudly bears my name.

See, that's my legacy, pumpkin.

And when I'm gone,
and I hope it's soon,

you can look up and say,
"That fine-looking scoreboard

is dedicated to..."
Terry Bradshaw.

Terry Brad...

Terry Bradshaw?

I never had no nickname
"Terry Bradshaw."

Not you, you chin strap.

I mean Super Bowl champion

and Hall of Fame quarterback

Terry Bradshaw.

What are you talking about?

Terry Bradshaw never
went to Polk High.

He did for two months in 1965.

Just long enough
to join the chess club

and play Glinda in
The Wizard of Oz.

That is Bradshaw,

right between that
munchkin and Dorothy.

Look at that. Right there.

Why are you doing
this to me, Marcy?

Because God's on vacation

and he asked me to fill in.

Oh, don't worry, Al, we still
want you to come to the ceremony

and if you don't mind,
would you wear this T-shirt?

It would be an inspiration
to all the students.

[CACKLES]

Daddy, this is an outrage.

This is just like the time

that Odie stole
Garfield's lasagna.

Now, he earned that lasagna,
and you earned that scoreboard.

Do you know what?

All he had for dinner
was cold cat food.

I don't want that to
happen to you, Daddy.

So I'm gonna go out there
and get that scoreboard for you,

and nothing is gonna
stand in my way.

We're trapped.

Watch this, Jefferson.

Push, sweetheart.

Thank you, Daddy. Gotta go.

[DOOR SHUTS]

[LOUD HAMMERING]

Quiet on the set.

And action.

Konichiwa.

I'm Terry Bradshaw
for Kyoto National Bank.

Give me a K, give me
a Y, give me an O-T-O.

Yes, and what does it spell?

I have no idea.

Cut!

It spells "Kyoto,"

you home entertainment centre.

I'm sorry, Terry.

I'll get another girl
down here who can spell.

Ha! You do, I'm walking.

Alrighty.

We're on a five.

Terry, I'll get makeup in
here to give you a touchup.

You'll have to excuse
me for a few minutes.

I've got a lot to do before
tomorrow's dedication,

and unlike you, I don't
have anyone on the sidelines

calling in the plays.

Hey, whoa, whoa.

I called my own plays.

That was Staubach.

I beat him in the
Super Bowl twice!

[SQUEALING]

Brad Clayshaw?

Terry Brad Pitt?

Hey, Mr. Football-Star-Guy.

Oh! Hi, I'm Kelly.

I'm your makeup artist.

Well, what happened to Christy?

Well, she's a little
tied up right now.

What happened to your arm?

Oh, I broke my wrist.

No, no, no, the other one.

It's so much
smaller and frecklier.

So you must be really honored

having this entire field
named after you, huh?

Well, I am but, I mean,
I'm not sure I deserve it.

I mean, I only went to
Polk High for two months.

I mean, I never even
put on a football uniform.

You played naked?

Maybe you do deserve this.

Actually, I didn't play at all.

Oh, that's funny,

'cause, see, my
father, Al Bundy,

he did play for Polk High.

In fact, he scored four
touchdowns in one game.

It was the
highlight of his life.

Whoa.

He got married. Had you.

Four touchdowns.

That's impressive.

Yeah, well, apparently
not to the Bank of Coyote.

See, my father gave
everything he had to Polk High,

and if you look at him now,

you'll know that
that's all he had.

Look, Mr. Shawshank...

you're a big
football star. I mean,

you know what it's like
to... To win the big one.

My father never
even won the little one.

So will you please just let
him have this one stupid honor?

[SOBBING] Stop,
please. He can have it.

You mean it?

Absolutely. I mean, don't worry.

I'll take care of it.

Tomorrow at the dedication,
your daddy's gonna know

what it's like to
win the big one.

Oh.

Terry-freaking-Bradshaw.

How come the
quarterbacks get all the glory?

He never scored four
touchdowns in one game.

Dad, you just need
to watch some TV

and take your mind
off Terry Bradshaw.

Oh, maybe you're right.

WOMAN 1 [ON TV]: I'll take Terry
Bradshaw for a thousand, Alex.

WOMAN 2: Tonight
on Family Matters,

Urkel finds his long-lost father

Terry Bradshaw.

MAN: Tonight on PBS:

the Three Tenors
and Terry Bradshaw.

Oh, man.

You wouldn't believe
the traffic out there.

Between the ticker-tape
parades, the autograph hounds,

and the gorgeous
babes swooning for him,

you'd think the
pope was in town.

Let me guess. Terry Bradshaw.

You got it. Look,
he signed my sleeve.

Oh, yeah, he signed it.

Well, I guess Bradshaw
does need some happiness.

He only had all those
years with the Steelers,

the endorsements, the
broadcasting career...

Yeah, and don't forget
those Cannonball Run movies

he made with Mel Tillis.

Those were good. He
got nominated for those.

Jefferson, the man
won more Super Bowls

than I've had good days.

Now Marcy and her
Hideo Nomo-loving cronies

down at the bank...

They wanna give him
what's rightfully mine.

Well, I can takes no more.

When a Bundy doesn't
get what is rightfully his

he makes sure no
one else gets it either.

I know now what we must do.

[DRUMMING]

[SNEEZES]

Achoo.

Kelly, this is where your
father used to do all his scoring.

Back in the prehistoric
days when we were dating.

When dinosaurs roamed
the land and not my bedroom.

Daddy, I am so glad
you decided to come.

I have a feeling you're
gonna get a big surprise later.

Oh, I'm sure someone will.

Hey, where's Bud? He
said he was gonna be here.

Oh, he's around here someplace.

Double-0 Shoe to Gold
Digger, do you read me?

Yeah, this is Gold
Digger. What's up, Al?

AL: Code names, you idiot.

Sorry, Double-0 Shoe.

That's better.

Is Son of Frankenstein
down there with you?

Uh, wait a sec. Can I please
have a better code name?

Okay. You be Gold Digger.
I'll be Son of Frankenstein.

Don't you mean
Bride of Frankenstein?

Why, you little bolt-neck...
Hey, don't touch me!

Focus, gentlemen. Focus.

We are on a
mission that involves

precise timing and
ruthless efficiency.

Now, I have checked the program

and determined the
optimum moment to strike

is when they play
the fight song.

Al, you're not paying
any attention to me.

Well, I'm sorry, Peg.

You're looking quite
adequate today.

Oh, honey.

I can't wait to get
you home and...

[WHISPERS INAUDIBLY]

I always wanted to
hear a woman say that...

just not my own mother.

Since Agent Orange
just breached my security

this is the last radio
contact we'll have.

We'll strike when they
play the school fight song.

Halfway through
there is a cymbal crash.

That is your cue.

Do you read?

Got it, Double-0.

Yeah, we're locked and loaded.

[MICROPHONE SQUEAKS]

Is this on? Is this on?

If you can hear me in the
back, please raise your hand.

I don't think that particular
gesture is appropriate...

Al.

I'm Marcy D'Arcy, and
I'd like to welcome you all

on behalf of Kyoto National Bank

where when you
open a savings account

we give you a free kimono.

[ALL BOOING]

Or a six-pack.

[ALL CHEERING]

So without further ado,

let's give a traditional
Polk High welcome,

a big round of applause,
for our honored guest

Mr. Terry Bradshaw.

[ALL CHEERING]

They're applauding.

Either Terry Bradshaw
started speaking

or Mrs. D'Arcy stopped.

Well, it doesn't matter.

All we have to do is
listen for that cymbal crash.

Popcorn?

Don't mind if I do.

Purse?

So people often ask me

how I threw what was
considered by many

as the most famous
pass of all time,

the "immaculate reception,"

and, ha, I tell 'em.

It was very much like
at my bachelor's party

where I just closed
my eyes and heaved.

[LAUGHING]

[CHUCKLES]

Gee, Al, you're taking
this rather maturely.

Well, Peg, I just figured
it out that ultimately

everyone gets what they deserve.

Yeah, well, I'm sure
you'll get yours, Daddy.

You can say that again, pumpkin.

Well, I'm sure you'll
get yours, Daddy.

This award is
truly a great honor,

and that's why this scoreboard
should be dedicated to someone

that is as much a part
of Polk High football

as these bleachers
or that goal post

or the low test scores.

What a blowhard.

That's why this scoreboard

can only be named

after one man:

Al "Four-Touchdowns-
in-a-Single-Game"

Bundy!

[ALL CHEERING]

Al, your name is
on the scoreboard.

Oh, Peg. I'm a field.

ALL [CHANTING]: Bundy,
Bundy, Bundy, Bundy...

Hey, hey, Bud, sounds
like they're chanting

"Bundy, Bundy."

Mm. Kelly probably just
bent over to pick up a quarter.

[BAND PLAYING]

Hey, okay. There's the band.

Remember when
we hear the cymbal,

we blow the scoreboard.

[CLAPPING]

Oh, no.

[CYMBALS CRASH]

No!

MAN [ON TV]: And in other news,

hundreds of organizations
are claiming credit

for the bombing of the
Al Bundy scoreboard,

including the National
Organization of Women,

the National Organization
of Fat Women,

and the government of France.

Come on in.

Um, Daddy?

Before Mr. Spamshank left

he wanted to talk to you.

Al,

I just wanted to say

that despite everything,

I still respect you, man.

I mean, you are without a doubt

the greatest athlete
in Polk High history.

I mean, that incredible
run that you had today

just proved one
thing to me, man.

That you could have
been a big star in the NFL.

I'll tell you
something else, Al.

You're my MVP.

I love you, guy.

Oh. Push.

[DOOR SHUTS]

Now, I know that
Daddy can't see,

but that must have been
the new highlight of his life.

Well, probably not.

He can't hear either.

[♪♪♪]