Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 10, Episode 9 - The Two That Got Away - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

Look, J.B. You see,
I'm a reasonable man.

See, if you don't give
my client this audition,

I'm gonna have to have 100
roses delivered to your wife,

in your girlfriend's name.

Thanks, babe. I knew
you'd see my way.

Hey. What is it? Did
you get me an audition?

You?

No, no, no, no.

I've discovered a
major new talent.

I'll give you a hint.



He just peed on
the D'Arcys' roses.

Dad?

No. Lucky.

Yeah, but isn't
it unprofessional

for agents to
date their clients?

That's very funny,
Million Man March.

It's a dog food commercial.

Now, all Lucky has to do
is learn a few simple tricks,

and pretend to like the stuff.

No problem. I lick your
face and pretend to like you.

Gee, Al, I've never heard
of a three-day funeral.

Per chance you don't
remember our honeymoon?

Yes. Something
certainly died back then.

Unfortunately, it
never got buried.



I just want you to
look me in the face,

and tell me that you
are not going fishing.

Peg, I lie about
a lot of things.

Who I'm married
to, who my kids are.

What that smell was, but...

But I would never ever lie
about Aunt Betty's funeral.

I thought you said
it was Aunt Nell.

It's a double funeral, Peg.

Which is why it's gonna
take three days or four

if they're biting...
I mean crying.

Okay, Al,

you ready to go fishing?

What Jefferson means,
Peg, is that the family said:

"In lieu of bringing flowers
we should all bring fish."

Let's go, Jefferson. No. No, Al.

No, my days as a cad
and a bounder are over.

I feel very strongly that you
should never lie to your wife,

and for one very good reason.

And what was it again, Marcy?

A lie may give you
temporary pleasure,

but honesty will bring you
happiness at the end of the day.

And I was so happy

that Jefferson told me
the truth about his trip,

that I've given him
something very special.

Nobody wants to hear
about your filthy chicken love.

No, Al. Marcy gave me this
new telephoto lens for my camera.

Look. Trust me, Al.

I know honesty goes against
everything we guys stand for,

but women eat it up.

All right. I'll give it a shot.

Peg, I'm going to
be honest with you.

I'm going fishing this weekend.

And every Saturday when
I take the garbage out,

I throw away one of your shoes.

I'm gonna be
honest with you too.

I knew you were going fishing.

And at night when
you're sleeping,

I pluck out your hairs
so you'll bald faster.

BOTH: ♪ On top of Old Smokey ♪

♪ All covered with snow ♪

[SINGING INCOHERENTLY]

Oh, God, I love this place, Al.

It was a stroke of genius
having me cash in Marcy's IRA

to pay for this luxury vacation.

Jefferson, would you
stop taking pictures

so we can enjoy this place?

Jefferson, would you
start taking pictures

so we can enjoy this place?

[BOTH SPEAKING IN SWEDISH]

We're your Swedish masseuses.

I'm Helga. And I'm Inga.

And I'm Alga.

And I'm gaga.

May we carry your bags? Yes.

May we carry yours?

Yeah, sure.

Jefferson, we died and went
to the land of milk and honeys.

Uh, um, Mr. Bundy
and Mr. D'Arcy.

I'm Randolph the innkeeper,

and I've been trying
to get ahold of you.

There's been a slight change
in your cabin assignment.

What's the change?

You don't have one.

That's okay, we'll bunk
in with Helga and Inga.

Yeah, sure.

Helga, Inga, you're late
for topless happy hour.

Yeah, sure. Yeah, sure.

Hey, look. You can't bump us.

See, we made our
reservation over a year ago.

Oh, so you did.

Let me explain something.

You're nobodies and
you had a reservation.

Shannon Tweed
is a famous actress.

She didn't have a reservation.

Explanation over.

Shannon Tweed?

Star of Night Eyes
II, Night Eyes Three,

and every fantasy I've
ever had since I got cable?

You know, Shannon Tweed got
me through many a long lonely night

of sex with Marcy.

Oh, Randolph?

Yes, Ms. Tweed.

Are those the two gentlemen
that had reservations for my cabin?

Yes, Ms. Tweed. Oh, good.

I did so want to meet them.

I told you she'd
straighten this thing out,

just like she straightened
out Andrew Stevens

in Night Eyes Three.

Yeah. Well, just as I thought.

A mangy shoe salesman

and a chronically
unemployed aging pretty boy.

Have them thrown off
the property immediately.

Jeez, I can't
believe she said that.

Me either. Aging?

Now, Redford, that's aging.

Now, gentlemen.

Just to show you I'm not
entirely without feeling,

here's your deposit back.

Oh, oh, oh. And here are
your complementary mints.

I suggest Mr. Bundy
have them both.

And you have exactly two
minutes to get off the premises.

Good day.

Well, who the hell
does he think he is?

He can't throw us out of here.

Well, I'm afraid he can, Al.

Private property.

I'll show him some
private property.

Lucky, if you're gonna
be in this commercial,

you're gonna
have to learn to sit.

Now, sit.

[EXASPERATED SIGH]

I'll never teach
this dog how to sit.

What am I gonna have to do? Beg?

Hey.

Kelly, I cannot get this dog
to do what I want him to do.

Well, maybe you
need a rubber dog.

Here, let me try. I'll
show him by example.

All right, Lucky, sit.

Kelly, please. That's
never going to work.

I've already tried
doing all that...

Come on, Lucky. Let's go outside

and I'll teach you
some more tricks.

Give me a bone
with some meat on it,

I'll jump over the house.

[LAUGHS]

So getting bumped
from the fishing cabin

wasn't all that bad, was it, Al?

Well, nothing drowns
your sorrows better

than a three-day
binge at the nudie bar.

Oh, wow, look at this
picture I took of the lake.

Ah.

Ah, here's the lodge.

Here's a nudie bar.

We didn't take any
pictures at the nudie bar.

Hey, you're right.

And the nudie bar
isn't in the woods,

and it doesn't have Shannon
Tweed and Randolph

in the hot tub.

Holy Moses, Jefferson. Do
you know what this means?

Yeah. Cosby's right.

Kodak paper does
make a difference.

Not that, you idiot.

It's payback time.

Nobody bumps us, baby.

Shannon Tweed is about
to get bumped herself,

right on to the front page
of the National Enquirer.

Yeah! Yes.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Boy, look at this picture
of Shannon Tweed.

Jefferson, isn't she a babe?

Oh, come on, Al.

I'll bet our wives,

in this beautiful
mountain setting,

with the steam rising
up off the hot tub

would look just as good.

No way. Yeah, right.

No way.

Jefferson,

how much do you think

this picture of
Shannon Tweed is worth

to the tabloids?

Well, let's see.

Your typical celebrity
nude photo brings in,

oh, say, upwards of $1000.

But, see, in this case...

In this case, it's a celebrity

doing the humpty
dance with the help.

That's gotta fetch
at least $10,000.

[LAUGHS]

Yeah. You see, but Jefferson,

even though we did get
bumped from our cabin,

I mean, this is a little
heartless and cold even for us.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right, Al.

You know, the honest thing to
do would be just throw this away

and pretend like
it never happened.

You got it. All right. Just...

Well, you feel better
about yourself now?

Much.

You know, I think
since Peg's not home...

Peg's not home,
it's probably safe

to go up and take a little nap.

Well,

Marcy is home, so I think
I'll go back to the nudie bar.

Later, buddy.

Back at you, pal of mine.

You the man. Oh, no.

No, no. You the man.

[BOTH YELLING INCOHERENTLY]

Next.

How dare you reject my dog!

He's Eddie on Frasier, you know?

Ma'am, Eddie is a
Jack Russell Terrier.

You're mutt is a
near-blind bulldog.

Well, he looks
different in person.

You're in the business.

You know the camera
adds 15 pounds.

And so will those donuts
you stuffed in your purse

during the audition.

Now, get out.

Let's go, Eddie.

Jeez, you'd think there'd
be one half-starved mongrel

in this town who could make
it through this obstacle course.

Uh, Lucky can do it.

Oh, yeah? I suppose he plays
Murray on Mad About You?

Oh, no. He hates Paul Reiser.

In that case, I'll
give him a shot.

Hungry Puppy dog food
audition number 2073, take one.

Now, run the course.

Come on, Lucky.

Just get into character.

Be a hungry puppy.

Oh, there's a stretch.

Come on, Lucky.

Don't you want to
be in the commercial

and make lots of money?

Oh, I know how this works.

I get in the commercial,
you get the money,

with the cast of
Diff'rent Strokes.

Next. No, wait, wait.

He can do it, I promise.

He just... He just
needs a little motivation.

Just watch and follow me.

Come on.

I love Hungry
Puppy. Come on, sit.

Well, that was great.

The auditions are over.

We have our hungry puppy.

Thank you. There
you go. Have a seat.

Thanks very much.

Attention, media whores... Uh...

I mean esteemed
members of the press.

The auction for the
Shannon Tweed hot tub photo

is about to begin.

Show us the goods then.
Show us the stuff first.

All right, all right.
All in good time.

Before I get to the
main event however,

I would like to start
with a genuine picture

of the Loch Ness monster.

Let's see. Come on, show
us. You gotta be kidding.

My God, Al, that's
horrific. What the hell is it?

It's a picture of Peg's
mom in the bathtub.

I don't see a bathtub in there.

Trust me, Jefferson, it's
under there somewhere.

That's not the Loch Ness
monster. He's not that big.

So what? We'll slap
Roseanne's head on it

and say she lost weight.
I'll give you 50 bucks.

Sold.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,
for the main event.

Shannon Tweed as you
have never seen her before.

Now, we will start
the bidding at...

One thousand dollars.
I got a $1000 here.

Do I hear more? Three thousand.

Oh, come on. You
pay twice that much

for Brett Butler
pulling out her wedgie.

Come on.

I'll give you 5000. Make it 10.

Ten thousand dollars here.
We have $10,000 going once,

10,000 going twice,

[DOORBELL]
so-o-o close to a sale.

Make it 12.5.

Jefferson, keep
the fleecing going.

If I'm not back, you
send my mail to King Al,

hammock one, Isle of Yap.

[LAUGHS]

Okay, 12.5, right?

Sh-Shannon Tweed,
here in my house?

Mr. Bundy, I know you're
gonna find this hard to believe,

but I came by to apologize

for the way I treated
you at the lodge.

Well, I-I... Apology
accepted. I gotta go now. Bye.

Oh, no. Mr. Bundy, wait.

Look. You know, being
a famous actress, I...

I guess I've gotten used
to having my own way,

and, well, I might
have forgotten

that other people
have feelings too.

But without those people
I'm not a famous star.

I'm just an average woman.

With way-above-average hooters.

Well, thank you. God and
Dr. Markowitz have been kind.

Anyway, I felt so bad
after I got home, that I...

I talked it over with
my shrink, my herbalist,

the counter boy at
Starbucks, and they all agreed.

"Shannon, you're
a taker," they said.

"You've got to start giving."

Well, you were giving pretty
good in that shower scene

in Indecent Behavior.

Well, thank you,
but that was acting.

This is real.

If I only knew that I've
reached you in some way,

I'd feel so much
better about myself.

Oh, you've reached me.

Oh, God, you're so sexy.

If you weren't married...

Oh, I'm not married.

No, I live alone with
my redheaded mother.

Oh, what am I talking about?

There I go, selfishly giving
in to my insatiable lust for you.

Insatiable lust?

For me? Oh, yeah.

Well, that's understandable.

You know, I played a
little high school ball.

Oh.

It really shows. [GIGGLES]

Shannon,

you may not understand
what I'm about to do,

but always remember
that I do this for you.

Al, what are you doing
with that envelope?

[GULPS]

Did you swallow
that whole thing?

Yep.

It-it looked like there
was a photograph in it.

Yeah.

Of me in a hot tub?

Uh, yeah.

You blue-collared,

brown-panted,
shoe-selling yokel.

Despite what
Siskel and Ebert say,

I am quite an
accomplished actress,

as you've so clearly
demonstrated today.

So the next time you
wanna see me in a hot tub,

you rent my upcoming
straight-to-video classic

Ernest Pays for Sex.

And don't forget to rewind.

Al. Al, I got them up to 25,000.

Now, I think we should
make like Waterworld

and close immediately.

I'm choking.

Well, why are you joking?

I said I'm choking.
Oh, you're choking.

Okay, let me help you out.

There. Did you swallow
what was stuck in your throat?

Yes, Jefferson. I did.

Good, and you're
not choking anymore.

No, no. But you are.

[SCREAMING]

Come on.

So how was the hospital?

Any luck getting
the negative out?

No, Al's stomach
acid dissolved it.

But they did find three quarters
of a commemorative Slim Jim

leftover from Super Bowl XII.

That's what I've been
tasting all these years.

Well, despite losing the 25,000

and the cost for the
visit to the hospital,

and the vintage Slim Jim.

On the bright side is
whenever you're down,

there's always TV
to pick you back up.

[DOOR OPENS]

Hey, everybody. Listen.

The Hungry Puppy
commercial is gonna come on.

MAN [ON TV]: Is
your puppy hungry?

Then get him Hungry
Puppy dog food.

The only food that puppies
prefer to their own tails.

♪ If doggy's nose is dry
And his tongue is black ♪

♪ And his ribs are
showing Through his back ♪

♪ Give him Hungry
Puppy A bite or two ♪

♪ And your starving mutt
Will be good as new ♪

♪ Give him Hungry
Puppy A bite or two ♪

♪ And your starving mutt
Will be good as new ♪

Meow.

I mean...

Woof! I love Puppy Hungry.

MAN [OVER LOUDSPEAKER]:
That's "Hungry Puppy."

Yeah, what he said.

Mo-o-o.

♪ Hungry Puppy Hungry Puppy ♪

♪ Hungry Puppy ♪

[♪♪♪]