Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 10, Episode 13 - Love Conquers Al - full transcript

To go out with hot guy named Carlos, Kelly bribes the reluctant Bud to keep company for Carlos's cousin Esmeralda by offering Bud a date with Fawn. Fortunately for Bud, Esmeralda turns out ...

[♪♪♪]

Great, Carlos. What time
are you gonna come over?

Cinco?

But there's no
cinco on my watch.

Oh, 5.

Oh, okay. Okay,
I'll see you then.

Adidas.

[GIGGLES]

Hey, Bud. I need
your help with a date.

I-I'm not videotaping
anything, Kel.

[SIGHS]



No, I'm finally going
out with Carlos.

So, what, you need
the Spanish translation

for "it unhooks in back"?

No, I already know
how to say that.

No, the problem
is... Is that his cousin

is coming in from
the old country,

and the only way that
I can go out with him

is if my favorite brother
in the whole wide world

keeps Esmeralda company.

Esmeralda?

Oh, that sounds promising.

Yeah, a lot of supermodels
are named Esmeralda.

Come on, Bud, Carlos is so hot.

Please, I will do anything.



That's public record, Kel.

Look, I'm not gonna
dog-sit Esmeralda.

I'll get you a date
with my friend Fawn.

Fawn, Fawn, let's get it on?

That's the one.

All right.

KELLY: I know.

But she hates me.

Well, yeah, but she owes me for
going out with her goofy brother

who lives in the attic.

In the attic?

[LAUGHS] What a dork.

Yeah, he'd be a lot cooler if he
lived in the basement like you.

♪ Ain't gonna live no more
With no big, fat woman ♪

♪ Ain't gonna live no more
With no big, fat woman ♪

♪ Ain't gonna live no more
With no big, fat woman ♪

Al, don't you think you're
jumping to conclusions?

All Dad said was that he's
coming over here with big news.

What could be bigger
than your mother?

In captivity, that is?

[SNICKERS]

[DOORBELL RINGS]
That's probably Ephraim now.

Hey, Ephraim, get
in here, you old...

Chicken.

Sorry, Marcy, I mistook
you for a 70-year-old hillbilly.

Well, I'm sure that
you get that all the time.

Al, not even you could
dull my spirits today.

Jefferson and I
have just returned

from a blissful two days

at marriage-encounter camp.

"Dr. Richelieu's love compound

and water park."

We've never been happier.
Isn't that right, Jefferson?

Love is all I need
to make me happy.

Jefferson?

Are you in there, buddy?

What happened to you?
You used to be a man.

I am a man.

Then who's your favorite Stooge?

The Three Stooges are not funny.

You know who I think is funny?

That Elayne Boosler.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

It's a lot worse than I thought.

Luckily, I have something
for such an emergency.

Jefferson,

I want you to get a load
of these big 'uns here.

[GASPING]

Ah, it's all coming back to me.

Moe! Moe, is my favorite Stooge.

Nyuck, nyuck,
nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

[CHUCKLING]

Ah, those bastards,
they almost got you.

Hey, who's the, uh,
broad in the kitchen?

Well, that's your wife.

[GAGS] How the
hell did that happen?

Let's go, Jefferson.

It's almost time for my nooner.

Take two of these.
Call me in the morning.

Better make it four.

Gee, Al, they seem
so much in love.

Maybe this Dr. Richelieu could
make our marriage happier.

Oh, no, Peg. The only doctor
who could do that is Kevorkian.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hi, Ephraim.

Come on in here, buddy. You
hook up the harness and I'll Crisco

the doors. We'll pop that little
woman right on out of here.

What? Wait. W-w... Hold
it. W-wait a minute, Al.

I'm not here to pick up Mama.

No, I'm takin' a trip around
the world with my travel agent.

Yeah. Wait till you see this.

[WHISTLES]

Hey, Pancake, get your
flapjacks in here, darling.

What'd I tell you, Al, huh?

Part-time travel
agent, part-time stripper

and full-time love machine.

Daddy, I can't believe
you could do this.

Oh, I could.

You are a married man.

Married? You told me
you were a college student

taking a year off
before law school.

No...

[SIGHS] Aw. Now, look at that.

I gotta get me
another travel agent.

No, you don't.

You are gonna go up there
and reconcile with Mom.

Uh... Uh, no, no, no. That's
not gonna work, Margaret.

We just can't
communicate anymore.

Well, maybe that's
because you don't have

a creamy-nougat center.

Hey, I know.

What if we take you and Mom

to this Dr. Richelieu's
marriage retreat.

Eh? No, no.

I don't believe in them
fancy-schmancy headshrinkers.

It's got a water slide.

It does? Whoa.

I'm there, dude.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Ah, I see you're wearing
your easy-access dress.

Ah, I see you're wearing
your wonder briefs.

Look, if you still want me
to baby-sit, uh, Bowzer,

you better be nice to me.

Her name is Esmeralda.

Yeah, I don't care
what her name is.

She's not getting
up on the furniture.

And I still get my
shot with Fawn, right?

Yes. She'll be here at 11:00.

Just in time to tuck you in

and tell you about
her other dates.

Hey, she can bring her
other dates for all I care,

as long as I get my two minutes.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[GASPS] Carlos is here.

Okay, okay, okay.

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

Hola, Kelly. You look
muy bonita tonight.

Oh, thank you.

You look, uh, Bobby Bonilla too.

How charming.

One of your American jokes.

[GIGGLES]

Speaking of American jokes...

[GIGGLES]

this is my brother, Bud.

This... This is my
cousin, Esmeralda.

Hola.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Damn.

Uh, I'm sorry,

I didn't get a
chance to... Oh, no.

Change into some nicer clothes.

Please don't worry.

You won't be wearing
them much longer.

Damn.

Carlos, Bud and I are
going to his room to play.

Heh.

We are?

Thank you, God.

O Dios mío.

Well, Carlos,

it's just you and me
and this big empty couch.

Ah, yes, but when do I get
to meet your chaperons?

[GASPS] Well... Well, soon if
you play your cards right, gosh.

No, no, no. I mean your parents.

Where is your father,
the village shoesmith?

Oh.

He's with my mother,
the village shopper

and, uh, my
grandmother, the village.

Well, it was nice of
you to have your brother

look after my unsullied
cousin, Esmeralda.

Well, she's going to
be a nun you know?

Oh.

BUD [DISTANTLY]:
Oh, God. Oh, God.

You see? They are
praying together already.

Welcome

to Dr. Richelieu's love
compound and water park.

I am Dr. Richelieu.

Thank you. [SPARSE APPLAUSE]

No. No applause, please.

Now, I see before me
today many troubled couples.

Hey, Daddy, how's Mom doing?

Uh, oh, she's, uh,
still not talking to me

for lying and saying I
was taking her to IHOP.

Now, I know you all
think your problems

might be strange or unique.

[INAUDIBLE]

But believe me

I have seen it all
and nothing could...

Holy mother of gods.

Well, she's old enough.

And who might you be?

Well, I might be Brad Pitt,

but as you can see by the
chick on my arm, I'm not.

Uh, we're not
here for counseling.

We're just here to drop
off my Mom and Dad.

Right, so I'll just
unhitch the trailer

and bid everyone here a hidy ho.

Hey, wait, wait. Hold...
Hold it, Al. I got to talk to you.

Uh, excuse me a minute,
darling. Would you...?

Whoa.

[GRUNTS] Listen, now...

I gotta talk to
you. Uh, it's, uh...

It's Mama.

Um, she's a little shy.

Of what, a metric ton?

No, no, no, no. No. I-I think

she's a little
embarrassed to be here.

Oh, you... You know,
Al, maybe Daddy's right.

Maybe it'd make her feel better

if we stick around
and participate.

Peg, I'd rather go
synchronized swimming

with Angela Lansbury.

I'd rather have my neck
shaved by Ray Charles.

I'd even rather
have your picture

tattooed on the
inside of my eyelids

than spend any more
time with these clowns.

Look, uh, ahem,
Al, you leave now,

and you can forget about Mama
and I patching things up here.

All right, I'll stay.

But I swear, I'm not touching
that bozo with the big red hair.

Or that guy.

[PLAYS GUITAR]

♪ I gave my love a cherry ♪

♪ That had no stone ♪

Oh, that was great.

Stop now, please.

♪ I gave my love a chicken ♪
Stop, please.

♪ That had no bone ♪

Carlos. Heh.

This is very, uh, romantic
and everything but, uh,

I too can be
strummed and twanged.

I feel...

completely refreshed.

Hey, sex is a lot more fun

with a live partner,
isn't it, Bud?

Oh, you got that right...

[CHUCKLING]

You know, your petty, little
insults mean nothing to me now.

[STRUMS GUITAR]

What's up with Julio?

Well, Carlos just likes to
take things slow, you know.

He's a perfect gentleman.

What, no...? No touch? No kiss?

Not even my favorite

yawn, stretch, and cheap feel?

Guys do that on purpose?

ESMERALDA [DISTANTLY]:
Bud, you have rested long enough.

Damn.

[STRUMS GUITAR]

♪ I gave my love a baby ♪

Yeah, right.

And now for the next exercise.

The most important thing
in any relationship is trust.

Now, is everybody blindfolded?

And gagged.

That won't be necessary.

You don't know the wife.

In this exercise, the
husbands will select

either good- or
bad-tasting food,

and the wives will
trustingly eat what is offered.

Al, I can feel you smiling.

Let's start with the Wankers.

Ephraim, make your selection.

Oh, boy. Uh, ahem,

can I talk to you a
minute, Dr. Looky-Loo?

Uh, be right back, darling.

Uh, listen, I'd like to pass

on that, uh, wife-feeding
exercise you got there.

Why?

Because I have become
very attached to my hands.

If you can't reach out
to her with a Weenie Tot,

how will you reach out
to her with your heart?

Phew.

Oh, all right.

I'll give her a shot.

Whoa.

Alrighty. Here I come, darling.

Here, sweetie.

A little Weenie Tot
for you, my little hippo.

Come on, darling.

Here you go.

My finger!

[YELLING]

GROUP: ♪ Someone's
crying, Lord ♪

♪ Kumbaya ♪

♪ Someone's crying, Lord ♪

♪ Kumbaya ♪

[WAILING]

Dr. Richelieu, we need
to comfort Mrs. Wanker.

She hasn't come back

since the... accident.

Accident? That was no accident,

you slap-shoed son of an onion.

She'd have eaten my whole hand

if I hadn't have
tickled her stomach.

Nevertheless,
Mr. Giggles has a point.

Ephraim, go find your wife
and give her some hug therapy.

Oh, shut up,

you touchy-feely hug freak.

I suppose you have a better way?

I do.

Men, gather round here.

I wanna talk to you.

Now, listen here.

Take your wife on a midnight
stroll through the woods.

Let her ramble on about
how everything's your fault.

Then you say,
"You're right. I'm sorry."

Marriage is fixed.

And they'll never know
that you were thinking

about Pamela
Anderson the whole time.

I'll give her a try, Al. I d...

Say, uh, what makes you
such an expert on love?

Well, Ephraim,

call me a hopeless romantic,

but I wanna fall in
love one day myself.

Oh.

Come on, boys. We're off.

[GROUP MUTTERING]

Al, why aren't we
going to the woods

to save our marriage?

Well, you know my motto,
Peg: If it's broke, don't fix it.

And this next slide
is a family portrait.

Look at that cute burro.

That burro is my Aunt Maria.

Well, the... The
saddlebags threw me.

Is that a statue
of Sally Struthers?

Ah, you're very perceptive.

She brought much
food to my country.

We're hoping the
next time she comes,

she'll share it with us.

I wonder how Bud and
Esmeralda are getting along.

BUD [CHUCKLES]: Stop.
Stop. You're killing me.

She must be telling him one of
her many amusing jokes, huh?

Well, I like jokes.

[GIGGLES SOFTLY] Really?

Oh, then soon
you will be smiling.

[GIGGLES SOFTLY]

Okay, a duck, a
priest and Fidel Castro

walk into a cantina.

The duck says to the bartender,
"I would like a cerveza..."

Nice going, Mr. Bundy.

It's been one hour, and
still no one has returned.

If I wasn't the prophet of love,

I'd give you the
thrashing of your life.

Thrash all you want,
Dr. Skip-To-My-Lou,

just don't hug me.

I don't believe it.
That was the best time.

Thanks, Mr. Bundy.
You saved our marriage.

Thanks, Mr. Bundy.
You saved our marriage.

[CHUCKLES]

Thanks, Mr. Bundy.
You saved our marriage.

[LAUGHS]

Thanks a lot, Al.

[LAUGHS]

Peg, pack your mother's bag.

She'll be movin' on out.

Now, wait.

He saved your marriage as well?

No, you English muffin.

We're bustin' up for good.

Well, didn't you
do what I told you?

Yeah, yeah, and it
worked out perfect. Yeah.

She wants me back now,

then I realized I
got these tickets

for a trip around the world.

So I can take any babe I want.

Ephraim, you could
have two tickets

around the entire galaxy,

you gin-soaked waffle head.

No one's going with you.

You're going around the world?

I'll go with you.

Bye, baby.

Am I lucky?

Our first stop is Mexico and
she's got her own maracas.

Al, this is all your fault.

Everybody.

GROUP: ♪ Kumbaya,
my Lord ♪ What? What?

No. ♪ Kumbaya ♪

Then the duck says
to the bartender:

"I can't believe you
serve Cubans here."

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS HUMORLESSLY]

Oh.

[YAWNS]

[SIGHS] Whew.

Well, it's about time.

Oh, you're right.

It's almost Esmeralda's curfew,

and this is the last night
before she enters the convent.

Esmeralda?

Yes, cousin Carlos?

Say good night to
your playmate, Bud.

Goodbye, Kelly.

If it isn't being too forward,

I would like to kiss
you good night.

Sure.

Esmeralda, come.

Adios.

Can you believe that guy?

How dare he not put out.

You know what? I'm gonna
tell all my girlfriends about him

and ruin his reputation.

Kelly, this is great.

Now, you're desperate,

and for the first time
in my life, I'm not horny.

Take me now.

That's what I'm here for.

Fawn?

Yup.

And I haven't had sex in...

[GASPS] 15 minutes.

Let's go. No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no.

No más! No más! No más!

[♪♪♪]