King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 9, Episode 9 - Care-Takin' Care of Business - full transcript

HANK:
Okay, settle down, boosters.

Boys, we could go all
the way this year.

Texas High School Coaches Poll

has voted us
preseason number one.

( cheering )

Yep, this is the year,
I'll tell you what,

but as boosters, we've
got to do our part.

I've got it!
A pancake sale,

where we get our wives
to serve pancakes topless.

Not yours, Hank.

Well, here's something
that'll help.



Finish what
you're chewing, boys.

I got big news.

Jimmy Willis is available.

The groundskeeper at SMU?

A skilled groundskeeper

can give us a home
field advantage.

We're going to state!

( cheering )
Yeah, we're going
to state!

State! State! State!

Wait just a second.
What about Smitty?

He's been our groundskeeper
as long as I can remember.

Oh, Hank, Smitty's getting
up there in years.

Heck, a lot of
folks think he's

just coasting till
he gets his pension.



Yeah. You seen the horns
on the end zone Longhorn lately?

They ain't as pointy
as they used to be.

Thing looks like
a got-danged cow!

( murmurs of agreement )
It does have
a cow-like quality.

A thought: just supposing
we fire this Smitty.

What would happen
to his pension money?

Could it be diverted into,
say, a new Nautilus machine?

And if not, why not?

Yeah, I agree
with that...
Now hold on.

You can't cheat Smitty
out of his pension.

It's not right--
he's been taking good care

of that field for 28 years.

He lost two wives to that grass,

and now you want
to take it away from him?

Smitty can do the job.

I guarantee it.

Hank says
championship's a lock!

( cheering )

State! State!
State! State!

Looking
for someone, bud?

Well, I was looking for you,
Smitty.

I'm Hank Hill.
I used to play here.

Oh, sure, Hank Hill.

You hold Arlen High's

single-season
rushing record, don't ya?

Yep. I ran nearly every foot
of it on your turf.

( chuckles ):
Sure. Sure.

You can't run on dirt, you know?

True enough.

But you can sleep on it.

Huh. Uh...

you do know what
you're doing, Smitty, right?

You bet.

That's exactly what
I was hoping to hear, sir.

It's gonna be
a heck of a season.

TV ANNOUNCER:
Up next:

History's Mysteries
with "Nazi Hidden Gold,"

followed by
"Building the Nazi War Machine"

and "Nazis of the Desert,
Nazis of the Sea."

Wow, the Nazis
did a lot.

( men whooping outside )

Come on, Kahn.

Ain't we still
your boys?

Get on out here

and rally with us.

( scoffs ):
I thought Kahn

got rid of those
damn rednecks.

Show him your
high beams, Lucky.

( whooping, laughing )

Those rednecks!

KAHN ( shouting ):
Yeah!

That redneck thing
was really more of a phase!

Please go away now!

You had to send him
a Christmas card.

Thanks for leaving!

We ain't going nowhere

till you check out
Lucky's new truck.

Yeah, Kahn.
Got me new rims and everything

out of my settlement money.

We gon' go muddin',
then skiddin'.

Stupid rednecks!

We can't hear ourselves
watch TV.

Aw, look at you, baby girl.
You like my rims.

They're very nice rims. I...

Yes.

You think they look good
standing still,

wait till you see 'em doing 90.

There are some boys
race trucks

up at the Devil's Bowl,

and I'm gonna
take it to 'em.

You race trucks?

Isn't that dangerous?

Can be,
but being a self-made man,

I don't need to work no more.

I got to do something
with my time.

You're a
self-made man?

Yep. Slipped on pee-pee
at the Costco.

Got me a $53,000 settlement.

I like the way your Skoal
can fits in your pocket.

And your teeth look
like fresh corn.

Damn. That Lucky
is chick stink bait.

( quietly ):
Walk away from
the redneck.

Walk away from
the redneck.

( Luanne laughing )

Oh, no.

HANK:
Friday night, the big test.

Season opener
against Rushford.

Crush Rushford!

That's the spirit, Bobby.

I can't take sole credit.

They taught it to us
all week at school.

LUCKY ( over loudspeakers ):
Attention:
( engine revving )

Will the pretty lady
in the house

please come outside
and make my day?

That's Lucky!
He's taking me

to watch him race his truck!

I get to wave a flag
and wear tiny pants!

Uh-uh. I'm sorry, Luanne,

but I cannot allow you
to go out there.

Why not?
Is my makeup smeary?

No. Luanne,
you have a weakness

for a certain type of man.

You are drawn magnetically
back to the trailer,

back to the sticky ooze
you escaped from.

You have come too far
to give in now.

You cannot
date this man!

( doorbell ringing repeatedly )

( sighs ):
I'll get it.

Name's Lucky.

Looking for Luanne.

Hey, beautiful.

Hi.

Want to know why
they call me Lucky?

No.

We'll see you later.

Don't wait up.

Oh, God.

Crush Rushford.

Thank you, Bobby.
You're a good son.

( "Star-Spangled
Banner" concludes )

Let the championship season
begin!

( air horn blares )

Here we go.

( crowd cheering )

( blows whistle )

What the...?

Good Lord, what the heck
happened to the field?

Hank, what did your boy Smitty
do to the field?

Oh, no. Smitty.

( snoring )

On inspection,
this field is unfit for play.

According
to the athletic charter,

the home team is responsible

for the maintenance
of the field,

therefore Arlen forfeits
the game.

( crowd booing )

Peggy, get the boy and
let's head for the truck

before everyone sees us.

There he is!

( booing continues )

( Hank shudders )

No root system at all.

( yawning )

Oh, hi, Hank.

Sir, with all
due respect,

what happened?

Yeah, I know.

It's a lot to do.

You got the
hash marks

and the center
field marks--

what is it, the
thing with the tube?

My kid's in rehab again.

Tommy-- you met him.

Yeah. Uh, look, Smitty,
this is the kind of thing

that could cost us
our whole season.

Not to mention
costing a guy his job,

his pension...

You bet.

Hey, Hank, that reminds me

of a thing from
a long time ago.

I forget.

( chuckles ):
You'll get a kick...

( starts snoring )

So, he likes to sleep,
does he?

I can give him sleep
in so many ways.

Look, Smitty
may have screwed up,

but he's a good man,
and he's done a good job

for 28
of the last 29 years.

We can't let him
lose his pension.

But we can't let him lose
any more games for us either.

Well, we've got an away game
coming up.

That gives us some time.

There's got to be some way
to save this field

and still save Smitty's job.

Yeah, man, just dang
ol'... how, man?

Well, we're all
pretty experienced

when it comes
to maintaining our own lawns.

We just need
to treat this field

like it's
a really big lawn.

All right!

We'll need
really big lawnmowers

and really
big beers.

Okay, two teams.

Lead man de-compacts the roots,
follow-man fertigates.

Now, let's roll out.

( giggling )

I feel like I'm cheating
on my lawn.

( chittering )

( thunder crashing )

HANK:
It's been a hard week,

but the grass is healthy,
the horns are pointy.

Good work,
gentlemen.

If this field could talk,
I bet it would say

"Thanks for watering me, Bill.

"I was very thirsty.

So, handsome,
got any plans Friday night?"

Evenin', boys.

Anybody interested
in a race?

( laughing )

In what?

You hauling a real truck
behind that little candy truck?

What you sayin'
about my truck?

Well, that shiny bumper

looks like it belongs
on Barbie's Dream Truck.

( laughter )

Y'all shut up!

This truck is beautiful.

I call it
Pretty-Pretty Truck-Truck!

( guys laughing )

I can't race,
and I don't have to work.

What am I gonna do
with myself?

We could go buy
some more chrome.

Thanks, baby.

But chrome is the reason
I'm sitting here and not racing.

Sometimes the world is cruel
to shiny things.

HEAD COACH:
What have we got here?

Hmm...

I was all set

to hand you
your head today, Smitty,

but it looks like this turf
is back on track.

Yeah? Track?

Oh, sure, sure.

Yeah, great
job, Smitty.

Who the heck but you

would have thought
of tweaking the pH balance

to give it
a healthy shine?

Hooray for Smitty.

Or should I say
"The Wizard of Sod"?

Way to go!
Dang ol'
Wiz, man!

Yeah, nice work,
Smitty.

But we've got a big game
against Killeen,

so you better
keep it up.

Well, Coach, we'll let
you get down to business.

"Kill Killeen."

Kill Killeen!
Kill Killeen!

DALE:
Kill Killeen!

Yep.

Yup.

Yup.

Mm-hmm.

Who's gonna dare me
to kill that bird?

Yeah. Well, it's gonna be
a long season,

and Smitty
still needs our help.

Yeah, plus Killeen's
got that running back

who's pretty
much unstoppable.

Unless...

Wait, can you give
someone polio?

No, but
what we could do

is fine-tune the field
a little bit to our advantage.

Within regulation.

You mean
to slow him down a bit.

Yes, exactly.

Guess it's just you and me,
bird.

ANNOUNCER:
That's the ball game.

Final score, Arlen, 27,
Killeen, 10.

Great game, Coach.

Sure looked like
Killeen's running back

had trouble getting
around the end, eh, Smitty?

Eh? Ah, you bet.

Kind of looked to me

like the grass
was a little thicker

near the sidelines.

Well, got dang
it, Smitty, that
was brilliant.

Yeah?

The Wizard of Sod!

Well, Wizard, I hope you got
a trick up your sleeve

to stop Duncanville's
hotshot kicker next week.

See you tonight,
guys.

We got a kicker
to stop.

- ( blowing whistle )
- Arlen wins.

Next stop, division play-offs.

MAN:
Smitty, I've never seen
a kicker

shank so many field goals.

How do you do it?

So, I think to myself,
"Grass'll do the trick."

So, that's what I did.

ALL:
Mm-hmm.

Wizard,
words don't describe.

Smitty, you
and your enchanted lawnmower

must help us in our critical
game against Denton.

Your thoughts?

I don't think
the Wizard's

gonna want to give up
his secrets that easy.

Butt out, blockhead.

The Wizard's
talking here.

People think dandelions
are pretty.

But they're a weed, you know.

( chuckling )

( clicking tongue )

( all laughing )

Ma'am. Luanne home?

Luanne works, Lucky,
as do I on many days.

Now, I am warning you,
you stay away from Luanne.

( Luanne squealing )

Lucky!

I took off work early today!

Aren't you gonna honk me
a kiss?

( horn blast )

( honks horn )

( honking back
and forth continues )

Let me out.

No. Not until you listen
to some sense.

Lucky is not the kind of man...

Aunt Peggy, Lucky says
if we were both in lockup,

I could probably take you.

But I don't want to do that,
because we're family.

( honking resumes )

( groaning )

( Chad on radio ):
So, Sports Jock, we've got
a very special guest today:

Arlen High's secret ticket
to State,

the Wizard of Sod, Smitty.

SPORTS JOCK:
State is in sight, but, Wizard,

Denton leads the division
in rushing and sacks.

You see any way to, uh, "even
the playing field," so to speak?

SMITTY:
Don't ask

stupid questions.

Look who you're
talking to here.

For Denton,
I'm thinking water.

And sticky paint.

They ain't gonna see
that comin'.

The Wizard has spoken.

Is it just because
I've been up all night

doing Smitty's job
that I'm starting
to dislike him?

Smitty's one interview away
from a pencil to the ear drum.

Hank, can we tell
everybody we did it?

No. Look, Smitty's ego
may be getting a little too big,

but he still deserves
to retire with dignity.

Now we need
to knuckle down

and find a way
to stop Denton.

( panting )

Hank, this is hard!

And Bill's not carrying
my share of the load!

Hang in there, guys, and we'll
have championship seat cushions

to cherish for the rest
of our lives.

Thanks for
the lift, fellas.

It was on our way,
Wizard.

Anything to help you
take us to State.

Hey, they're on my field!

Hank Hill-- why you wrecking
my field, boy?

Sir, with all due respect,

we've only been helping out
with some basic...

"Basic"?

I've done this
for 30 years, son!

I'm the Wizard,
the ticket to State!

You don't tell me,
I tell you!

Now get off
my got-dang grass!

Yeah,

I see it now.

What we need this week
is longer grass.

And I'm gonna

triple-pump her
with ammonium nitrate,

make it grow fast.

Show you boys how it's done.

No! Too much nitrate'll fry
the root system.

The whole field'll die.

And with it
the championship!

My self-esteem is tied
to this season!

You must be stopped!

Sam, get these crooks off
of my grass.

You can't do this!

Let's not have
this escalate.

Move along, sir.

Now, what else does the Wizard
have up his sleeve?

I've got it-- rock salt!

Rock salt?!

SMITTY:
And plenty of it!

Noooo!

Looks like fine weather
Friday night

for Arlen's big victory,
and then it's off to State.

Here's hoping.
Death to Denton, sugs!

( phone rings )

Death to Denton.
I'll get her.

My people do not
wish death to the
people of Denton,

but a crushing defeat
would be just swell.

Oh, God,
I can just imagine

what Smitty is doing
to that field right now.

It's not fair we're going
to have to forfeit.

How come McMaynerbury
didn't have to forfeit last year

when their field
was flooded?

That was because of rain.

Article 14 says acts of God
and vandalism are deemed

to be outside the control
of the home team.

No.

We can't let this happen.

The team's come this far,

and we're not going
to let 'em down.

( sighs ):
We're too late.

This is even worse
than the first game.

There goes our season.

Look at this.

I think he actually
nailed the sod down.

( defeated sighs )

Uh, Bobby, looks like
I'm free this Friday

if you want to see

that Hilary Duff movie.

The Princess and the Poor Girl?
All right!

Hank, I can't stand it
any longer.

We have to do something
about Lucky and Luanne.

Tonight, they are out
on a date... in our driveway.

He's been in twice already
to use our bathroom,

and both times, he challenged me
to race his truck.

Peggy, there's
nothing I can do...

This is your problem too, Hank.

On my way in, I saw a very large
truck tire mark on your lawn.

What?!

Got-dang it, Lucky!

Yeah, tell me 'bout it.

These treads are
hell on grass.

( laughs ):
So, Lucky,

looks like you've got
a pretty fast truck there.

It is fast,
not that anyone would know it.

Well, I know it.

And what good does that do me?

The boys
down at the Devil's Bowl

won't let Lucky race
his shiny truck at their track.

No, sirree.

Well, maybe you should race 'em
someplace else.

I know a good place.

But how am I supposed
to get 'em to come?

They think I ain't got jack
under the hood.

And, uh, you're just going
to sit here and take that?

You ever think that maybe

they're the ones who ain't
got jack under the hood?

What'd you say, boy?

I'm just sayin' none of y'all
got jack under the hood.

Well, y'all have
a pleasant evening.

REDNECK:
Got-dang that
sumbitch!

I'll show him
who ain't got jack!

Get him!
Whoo-hoo!

( rumbling roar approaching )

Hmm. You hear
something, Phil?

( screaming )

( sirens blaring )

LUANNE:
Whoo! You show
'em, Lucky!

You go! Whoo-hoo!

Lucky's just
earned himself

a booster jacket,

even if he does cut
the sleeves off.

Oh, great.
Now he's a freaking hero.

I mean, I-I just
couldn't believe it.

The whole thing
was so crazy.

All these rednecks
just kept chasing
this one redneck around.

It was like something
out of a video game.

Well, it's vandalism,
all right.

No question.
The home team is not liable.

The game can proceed,

but at a neutral site
to be determined.

( sighs of relief )

Boy, I just think
it's a shame

someone would do this
to Smitty's masterwork

after all he's given
this town.

Huh?

Yeah, well, there's going
to be a big bonus

to your pension, Smitty.

I'll see to it.

That's great.

Now I can finally go
to that place.

Wh-Wh-What's it called?

The flat one.
Oh, I can't wait.

There goes
the greatest groundskeeper

this team will ever see.

Yep.

Yep.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, let's get him back.

( grunts )

So, man, what'd you get?

I got me 400 hours
of damn community service

is what I got, and a fine.

But I still got me
a $18,000 settlement, by God.

Won't have to work
another day in my life.

Damn.
( horn honks )

Lucky, Arlen beat Denton!

We're going to State!

I love you!

( horn honks )

And plus I got
me some of that.

Damn.

LUCKY: Sometimes the world
is cruel to shiny things.