King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 9, Episode 10 - Arlen City Bomber - full transcript

( tapping )

There's something wrong
with this machine.

Step back and I'll
hit it for you.

Aw, baby girl,

there ain't nothing
wrong with the machine.

It says you ain't got
no more in there.

It barely looked.

I know-- I'll get another cash
advance on my credit card!

Good idea.

If I'd never gotten an
advance on my credit card,

I never woulda gone to the
Costco to buy a 78-inch TV,



never woulda slipped in pee-pee,

never woulda got
my settlement money.

Scary to think about the road
not traveled, huh?

Excuse me, Uncle Hank.

Can you please loan me $257?

No.

I need it
for my car loan,

which you cosigned
in the first place.

You're saying that
like it's my fault.

Well...

Luanne, I don't understand.

You are working full-time
at the barbershop.

Where is the money going?

I don't know. Things?



Let me see
your credit card statement.

Oh, my God, you've been
taking cash advances?

Luanne, the interest
they charge

is so high, you can never
crawl out from under it.

You keep spending like this,

and someday you'll be
a poor, hungry old woman

who can't afford
a retirement home.

Then where'll you be?

I don't want to think about it.

The street.

Help.

( sighs )

Okay, let's see

where we can start
saving you some money.

$180 on a dress?!

Well, this is easy.
From now on,

you'll be buying your
clothes at the Dress Barrel.

( shuddering whimper )

Please, Hank,
you are out of your element.

We are talking about
how to manage the expenses

of a young, stylish woman.

But I'm the cosigner
on that loan of hers.

I will take care of it, Hank.

Luanne scares easily.

That plays into my strengths.

Luanne, this pie
chart represents

your expenses--
food, gas, clothes.

And this great
big piece of pie

is credit card debt.

( gasps )
I'll never be able to eat it!

That is why you are
going to get a second job.

Here are the help wanted ads.

Now go to it.

I expect to see
jobs circled

and numbers
written down.

Oh, and if you come across

any ironic deaths
in the Obits, clip 'em.

You know-- piano tuner hit by
falling piano, things like that.

BOBBY:
What are you doing?

I need to get another job,

'cause Aunt Peggy says I
have to be more responsible.

Mom's into
responsibility now, too?

Plumber... nurse's aide...

All these jobs are racist

against people who
don't have skills.

Hey, how about this one?

Night work
available

for outgoing,
attractive girls

who like to make
big dollars

and have a good time.

That's me!

Peggy's got to
show Luanne

that you only use
credit cards

in an emergency,

not for toe rings
and body glitter.

Frivolous.
Just frivolous.

Exactly.

Credit cards are
a last resort,

after cash, check, plasma,
urine and alien urine.

Sure, there's bone marrow,

but that is more prudently
used as a retirement vehicle.

Or so says Lou Dobbs.

80-year-old hypnotist
dies in her sleep.

How could Luanne miss this?

Bobby, do you know anything
about this?

That's Luanne's new job.

Don't tie up the phone;
I'm a reference.

Luanne, stop!

You didn't audition
for anything yet, did you?

No.

Oh, my God.

What kind of twisted
perversion have they
trapped you into?

I'm a Roller Derby skater!

Roller Derby?

But wait, Luanne,
how is that a second job?

We make $500 a game.

Really?

MAN:
You ready, Luanne?

Pratley... what are
you doing here?

I thought
you sold Hyundais.

I sell "fun."

Doesn't matter if it's a
fully-loaded Hyundai Excel,

or the finest Roller
Derby team in Arlen.

And I'd like to
see you in both.

Who are those women?

That's Gruesome Gretta.

She's the big one.

There's Carly and Felicia,
they're dancers together.

( thud )
( gasps )

That was Nureen.

Nureen really likes children.

Well, at least I think she does,

because she has a
whole lot of them.

( grunting )

NUREEN:
Cheap shot, Gretta!

Aunt Peggy, I'll save you!

PEGGY:
No, you won't!

( grunting )

( sighs )

Do you have
size 16 skates?

Lots of 'em.

Hmm, hmm.

Bobby, I know
"skateboarding isn't a crime,"

but it is in my driveway.

Luanne? Peggy?

Not Luanne and Peggy--

Gold Dust
and the Executionator!

Dang it, Peggy,
how is this

teaching Luanne
about responsibility?

D-Don't roll around
while I'm talking to you.

By putting on
these skates,

I am putting Luanne
on solid footing.

After playing the Maulers next
week, she'll make enough

to pay down
her credit card debt.

After taking on the Destroyers,

she will catch up
on her car payments.

And after beating the tar out of
those Poisonettes,

she will make a deposit into
an interest-bearing account!

You just want to smash
into people, don't you?

You know, Hank,
the money I make

could go towards buying
that patio furniture

you've had your eye on.

The Gatsby Collection?

Yep.

And I like
to smash into people.

After we get paid,
I'm going to get my car painted

in our team colors,
so I'm all matchy.

You will do no such thing.

Your Uncle Hank
is on board by a thread.

I appeased him with
some fancy patio furniture talk,

but if we screw this up,
he'll still give us that look.

I hate that look.

We all do.

Now tape these rolls
of pennies to my elbows.

( all cheering )

This sport is entirely fixed.

There's a giant magnet
beneath the rink

that controls
their every movement.

That woman is perfect.

She's beautiful
and could be a father figure.

Hey, Lucky.
Want a corn chip?

No, sir. This ol' boy
won't eat a corn chip

out of a bag no more.

See, I used to make 'em--
had a hair net and everything.

You ain't tasted nothing

till you've tasted a corn chip
right off the line.

Oh, someday
I would like to try that.

I'm gonna help you
run down that dream, Bobby.

How am I going
to get through 'em?

By following these!

( buzzer )

Woo-hoo! Nice score!

Score?
Someone scored?

Heck yeah. Aunt Peggy did.

Aunt Peggy?
Yeah, she
knocked out

their blockers so Luanne could
scoot past their jammer.

I'm so confused.

See, your blockers stop
the other team's jammers.

The pivots can block, jam,
or counter jam.

Only the pivot
or jammer can score.

But how do they score?

No one really knows.

I like that new girl
on your team, Pratley.

She's gonna be good
for the gate.

Yeah, and "Glasses"
over there looks like

she can knock
a few heads.

I'll get some toilet paper
printed up with her face on it--

we'll fill the place when you
play my team next week.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

We won the game...
or match...

or whatever it's called!

( giggles )

PRATLEY:
Knocky knocky.

I hope you're decent.

Oh, you are.

Payday.

Oh!

Our paychecks! Yay!

( giggles )

Oh, it only says $90.

It should be for 500.

Well, it is 500...
uh, minus operating expenses.

I gotta deduct for things
like water, tissue and bandages.

And lip, if I hear
any more of it.

( gasps )

He's got no right
to do that.

Why do you women
take that from him?

It's the way
it's always been.

The longer we sit here
and jaw about it,

the more he's gonna charge us
to keep the lights on.

( sighs )

This is the smallest
check for $500 I
have ever gotten.

Oh, I feel so used!

Hey, that was
some match last night.

Shall we celebrate now and buy
a piece of patio furniture

or wait
and get the whole grouping

at the end of the month?

I say we delay gratification.

Well, I do like
delaying gratification...

Done!

How are we going to buy
Uncle Hank patio furniture

when Lane Pratley barely
gives us any money?

You do not know it, Luanne,
but you just had an idea.

Really?

Ladies, what I am about
to tell you will make you rich.

How? We will buy
a Roller Derby team of our own.

Haw.

I'm gonna make you eat
that word, Gretta.

We will get rid of
the owners,

and the players
will take over.

We will do
everything right!

It would sure be
nice to have some
money for child care.

Mm-hmm. I wouldn't mind

a strengthening
and conditioning coach,

and Carly would like
a decent boom box

for psyche-up music.

It's part of her process.

Ladies, we will
be able to have

all those things and more.

All we need is faith
in ourselves

and a thousand dollars each.

A thousand dollars
sure is a lot.

Are you sure we're going
to get that money back?

I guarantee it.

In fact, I have a pie chart
to prove it.

Aunt Peggy, where are we
going to get our share?

From the bank.

Banks loan out
money every day.

Why shouldn't they
loan it to us?

I envy you, Bobby.

Eating a chip
off the line

is one of those
experiences that
changes your life.

Birds fly a little slower,

and pretty girls smile
a little longer.

It's like the whole world
moves just for you.

All that from eating
a corn chip?

Off the line, yes.

We're here to eat a chip
off the line.

Sir, this factory isn't
open to the public.

No, it's okay.

I used to work at one
of these down in Waco.

Move it along, please.

Don't worry, Bobby,
I'll think of something.

But where are we going?

Home. Thinking takes time.

If they don't want
customers to wear
skates inside,

they should have a sign.

All the money places
turned us down.

Even the drive-through ones.

What are we gonna do now?

We are gonna go
over their heads.

Are you sure
you want to get

a cash advance,
Aunt Peggy?

Because when I did,
it was really
irresponsible.

That is because you were
living beyond your means.

I am borrowing as a
business investment.

But the interest!

The horrible interest!

Well, it is no
matter to us,

because we will be
paying this off

before the end of the
month with our profits.

It's perfect.

Even so, let's not mention
it to your Uncle Hank.

There's my team.

30 minutes late.

'Course, I'll have
to round up

and fine you
for the whole hour.

It's easier
on the computer.

There's only one problem
with your computation.

You don't have a team.

You never

gave us contracts,

so we are all free agents.

We started
our own team!

PEGGY:
That's right,
Pratley.

And as the first
player-owned team,

we all have a vote
in how this team is run.

I vote we see
how fast he can run.

Yeah!

Ooh!

( all laughing )

This is what happens when
you send a car dealer

to do a department
store owner's job.

Whoa, whoa,
this ain't just about my team.

Once your girls hear about this,

they're gonna want
to be on their own, too.

We got to do something.

Let's remember,
we control the situation here.

( honking horn )

There's one thing
years of hunting has taught me:

if you want to stop the pack,

you need to take down
the head elephant.

Or talk to its husband.

( horn honking,
car alarm blaring )

So, before we begin
our first practice,

why don't we do a warm-up skate.

The blockers can go first,

then the jammers,
then the pivots.

You blockers always
put yourself first.

Everyone knows we jammers
do all the work.

We should lead.

Jammers might win games,
but pivots win championships.

I'll go first.

Aw, you stuck-up, little...

( grunting )

Ladies! Ladies!

There is no reason
to fight anymore.

As equal owners, we can solve
all our issues through voting.

Okay, that is 12 ties
in a row.

Which leaves us
with no time left to practice.

I could bring
in a chicken.

Whichever person
the chicken runs to,
that's who wins.

Well, of course
the chicken's gonna run to you.

It's your damn chicken.

I vote you shut up!

Oh, hey, hey, hey, calm down!

We will never get
anything accomplished

by fighting amongst ourselves.

Oh!

You want some of this,
Cheapshot?

( grunting )

Hank, we need to talk
about that Roller Derby team

your wife bought.

My wife bought
a Roller Derby team?

You know anything
about skates?

They're very delicate
pieces of machinery.

Accidents happen.

Now, that's a metaphor.

You just tell your wife
to close up shop.

I don't need to tell
my wife anything!

How did my wife buy
a Roller Derby team?

Oh, hi, Hank!

Well, I got to run.

I'm teaching Luanne how
to make dinner with leftovers.

Frugal, frugal, frugal.

Peggy, did you buy
a Roller Derby team?

What?!

The things you come up with.

You crazy, crazy man.

We all chipped in to buy it.

Where the heck did
you get the money?

The same place
I got Luanne's share...

a cash advance.

On our credit card?!
( groans )

You were supposed
to be teaching Luanne

fiscal responsibility.

God, how am I gonna

face the guys
at H&R Block

when they see this
on our return?

I know, I know!

And now it's
a freaking disaster--

we can't agree on anything.

It all seemed so easy
in my head.

Everybody would be
everybody else's boss.

How could that not have worked?

How did you find out anyway?

It was Gretta, wasn't it?

No, Lane Pratley came by.

And he was making threats.

At least I think he was.

He was kind of
weaselly and indirect.

He was making threats?

Wait, that means
he feels threatened.

Hank, I've got
to go fix everything.

Now, that's what you said before
you bought a Roller Derby team.

That was false bravado.

This is real bravado, Hank.

You've got to trust me.

Okay, but I'm canceling
our credit cards.

PEGGY:
Now, I know
we all hate each other,

but we have too much money

invested in this team
to quit now.

Heck, I'll go back
to dirty phone talk

before I skate with you all.

Sit down!

Lane Pratley is scared.

He's scared because
he thinks our team

is a cohesive unit
who can show the way

to all the other skaters.

He thinks
we can pull together to win,

and if he thinks all that,
maybe we can pretend to do it.

Do what?

We're gonna put on a show!

We will pretend
to like each other

just long enough
to get Pratley
to buy us out.

Then we never have
to see each other again.

So here's my plan:

I climb this fence
and get you a chip.

That's your plan?

It took you two days
to think of that?

I had to cover all the angles.

( loud grunt )

Are you okay?

Well, I got some pain here

and some suffering here.

Oh, my God, all your
teeth are chipped.

Now, to be fair, they was
chipped before I got here.

But these contusions
and lacerations

I place squarely at the feet
of your corn chip company.

But you climbed
our security fence.

That attractive nuisance
is what I call Exhibit A.

Now, I could sue you--

my current quote is $53,000.

Or...

Oh... my God.

Ain't it the truth?

Bobby, can you drive
a stick shift?

And keep me awake?

♪ We are family ♪

♪ I got all my sisters
with me ♪

Are you sure
they're watching?

Of course they're watching.

Smile, I want to see all
eight of your teeth.

♪ Shut up, everybody,
and sing ♪

Dang, I never seen
that biggun smile before.

I've seen enough.

♪ All my sisters with me ♪

They're leaving.

Did it work?

Shut up.

I thought we were done
playing other teams.

You said they'd buy us out
before we had to skate.

She says lots of things.

Sorry, Aunt Peggy.

Sure they'll be here.

They'd be fools not to be here.

( knocking )

You're up!

Okay, we can do this.

It's only one hour,

three times a week,
indefinitely.

It's just like riding a bicycle
that you hate.

I thought we were just
doing this for show.

I ain't rolling
with y'all.

Yeah, the hell
with this.

Excuse me, ladies, a
moment of your time.

Actually, we were
just about to go skate.

But as a democratically
operated team,

we will vote to see
if we want to talk to you.

It's unanimous.
What do you got?

I got $8,000 cash money
to buy your team.

Wait, you want to try
to buy us...

with money?

Are you gonna write a check
for our camaraderie?

Are you gonna fill
our wallets with good times?

( laughs )

You make me laugh.

Peggy, I've sold
enough Hyundais

to know exactly where
you're coming from.

Now, I'm gonna write a number
down on a popcorn bag...

I guess you ladies have a match
to skate-- for me.

So, we have to keep
skating together?

Just until I
cash the check,

then we'll never have
to see them again.

After all, we don't
have contracts.

Here you go!

Congratulations,
Luanne,

your credit cards
are now entirely paid up.

Yay!

( sighs )

And Hank, just to show
I am a woman of my word--

please look outside.

The Gatsby Collection!

Actually, we could
only afford the
West Egg Ottoman

and the Tom and
Daisy Recliner.

LUCKY: Scary to think about
the road not traveled, huh?