King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 9, Episode 6 - The Petriot Act - full transcript

( whimpers and panting )

( panting )

The worst part
of going on vacation

is the look on her face
when we head out the door.

Are we talking about
Lady Bird or Peggy?

( barks )

Whoa, down girl.

Hi, guys!

Meet my new
friend, Buster.

Say hello, Buster.

Pretty dog.
Weak handshake.



Buster, play.

Boy, Bill,

that is a
magnificent animal.

Yeah, I got him through
a new military program

where you adopt
the pet of a G.I.

while he's on
his tour of duty.

Well, all right.

That's a great way
to serve our country:

supporting our enlisted men
one dog at a time.

Hey, I was just going to take
Lady Bird up to the lake.

You and Buster
want to come along?

Sorry, Buster does his community
service at the VFW today.

Some of those old guys

haven't felt a tongue
on their face for years.



Here, boy.

Hey, Bill, can civilians
get in on this,

or is it just a perk
for the Armed Forces?

Anyone can do it.

All you have to do
is take a pledge

to "perform all functions
necessary and possible

for the animal's well-being."

A pledge?!

PEGGY:
Okay. Now, we start here
two weeks from today.

We drive 400 miles and
catch a riverboat tour

up the mighty Mississip.

Then it is on to Graceland
in Memphis,

and then to the Cowboys/Titans
game in Nashville!

And on the way back,
we get to stop

at Willis'
Famous Barbecue

where the ribs
fall off the bone

or your money back!

Now, Bobby,
Memphis to Nashville,

that's a long stretch
without a rest stop.

I'm already training!

I've had four
glasses of water today.

It's been two hours
and nine minutes,

and I feel fine!

Peggy! Bobby!

Great news!

We can adopt the dog of a G.I.
while he's on his tour of duty.

I... I don't know, Hank.
Another dog?

Not just any dog,
the dog of a soldier.

Come on, think about
our patriotic duty.

I'll take care of it, I promise.

I'll do everything.
You won't even know it's here.

We are going on vacation
in two weeks.

We're gonna have to board
Lady Bird as it is...

Don't worry.

I told the military
we can't take the dog

until after we get back
from our trip.

Well, as long as it doesn't
interfere with the vacation,

I suppose it's...

All right!

It's nice
to see him so happy.

A koozie?

Since when are you
so fancy all of a sudden?

You too good for us now?

HANK:
Hey, guys.

You are looking at a guy
who has just been approved

for the G.I.
Foster Pet Program.

Yay!
Way to go, man.

Do you know what kind
of dog you're getting?

No, but his name's Duke.

You tell me a dog named Duke
won't take a bullet for you.

This is so amazing!

He knew it was empty.

Oh, how the mighty
have fallen.

We don't have to go
through Oklahoma.

( phone ringing )

Hill residence.

This is Army
Sergeant Williamson.

We're going to need you
to take possession of Duke

between 0900 and 0915
tomorrow morning.

What? But I thought
I made it very clear

that we didn't want Duke

until after we got back
from our vacation.

Patriotism doesn't take
a vacation, sir.

This is the smallest bottle
of Prell that I have ever seen.

Check out the lotion.

Dang it--
I just used it all.

Uh...

I got a call
from the Armed Forces...

Duke is coming a little
earlier than expected.

Uh, like tomorrow.

But we're leaving
in less than a week.

You just call them back
and tell them it's too early.

Don't worry.

I talked to the guy
who owns the farm

where Lady Bird
is going to stay,

and he says another dog
would be no problem.

Why do we need
toilet seat covers?

One word: Tennessee.

They'll be here any second.

Is everybody ready?

You're uh...
You're wearing that?

Dog, Hank.

It's a dog.
Car!

Hey, Bill. My dog is about
to be delivered.

That's great.

I just got a gift basket
from my G.I..

Get this: He's a Blue Angel.

He's the one that
made France mad

by flying under
the Eiffel Tower.

Oh, my God, they're here!

Good morning, Mr. Hill.

On behalf of the Armed Forces,
thank you for your generosity.

I present to you... Duke.

Come here, boy.

( snarling )
( shudders )

( screams )

( snarling and hissing )

DALE:
Uh, Hank,

looks like that cat
ate your dog.

Uh, about Duke...

he's a cat.

I was supposed to get a dog.

My neighbor got a dog.

Yeah, and I wanted
to be an F-18 pilot.

One psych exam later
I'm delivering you a cat.

Uh, oh, wait.

I already have a dog.

So a cat would be in danger.

That would be
treason, right?

Sir, is this your
signature here, sir?

Yes.

And is this your two page
addendum

stating how it would be
your honor

to fulfill
your patriotic duty?

I believe you quoted
"The Star-Spangled Banner"

in its entirety.

Huh...

Dad!

Cat?!

Okay, this won't be so bad.

I bet while we're gone
we can board Duke

for just
a few more dollars a day.

Lovely. And in the meantime,
where are we going to keep this?

Well, Private Hennessey
left us an information dossier

we're supposed to follow.

Let's see what he says.

BOBBY:
Mom, look out!

Ohh...

Yep.

Yup.

Mm-hmm.

Get!

Hank, looks like the cat
is out of the bag.

( chuckling )

Oh...

this has been
a cat-astrophe!

( both laughing )

Uh, cat... c... uh...

You got a cat!

( speaking gibberish )

So, one of our fighting men
has a cat?

What of it?

Hey, guys.

Wow, you two
are looking good.

I see the perfect fusion
of master and animal.

I can't tell
where one ends

and the other begins.

Oh, I feel great.

Good ol' Buster's
built my wind up.

( scraping )

Well, that must be Duke.

He's...

cute.

Dang it, Bill,
why didn't you tell me

you could get stuck with
a cat in this program?

Come on, Hank,
cats aren't so bad.

One of Buster's best friends

is a cat
that does recon missions

with a camera
strapped to his back.

( meows )

I don't think yours
does that, though.

( bell jingles )

MAN:
Eh, eh...

eh... oh... oh...

( clears throat )

Try this.

Once you start playing
with it,

you won't want to stop!

Ah, no thanks.

I just need
to get some cat food.

See, I was recently forced
to take care of a cat,

and I need to know
which one of these I should buy.

Quickly.

Oh, all that stuff
is garbage.

What your cat needs is this:
Scientific Formula.

$18 a bag?

What's wrong with all this
other stuff?

Well, between you and me,
it's practically inedible.

We should really be in jail
for carrying it.

( sighs ):
All right, fine.

Give me a bag
of the Scientific Formula.

Which flavor?

I recommend
the Italian herb chicken.

Delicious.

( crash, cat screeches )

Do you think
Private Hennessey enlisted

just to get away
from that thing?

Oh, put it out
of your mind, Hank.

In a week,
we'll be at Graceland.

I wonder if they'll let us
shoot a television.

( retching )

Oh, Hank.

Bobby, get Duke
off the dinner table!

He just threw up;
I don't want to touch him.

Pick him up
with a napkin.

You want me to take him
off the table,

or do you want me
to eat my vegetables?

Because I can't do both.

Fine, I'll do it.

( screeches )

Dang it!

PEGGY:
I hope you like the smell
of a cranberry bog,

because it is
the only thing

that counteracts
the cat stink.

Ugh! Wave some
of that stuff over here.

Oh, my God!

The cat has soiled in my shoes.

Where is he?

BOBBY:
He's in my room.

If I stop petting him,
he'll bite me.

I've read that dossier
cover-to-cover,

and nowhere in it
does it say anything

about pooping in shoes.

You know I hate this cat,

but there might actually be
something wrong with him.

Maybe you should take
him to Dr. Yandell.

I can't.

If there are any problems,

I'm supposed to take him
to Dr. Leslie

at the Vet Consortium.

That place with
the valet parking?

Wait, we're not
paying for this, are we?

We have our vacation
to think about.

BOBBY:
It's like having a bomb
strapped to my lap.

It's part
of my commitment.

I can't ask Duke's owner

to take it out
of his combat pay.

BOBBY:
I've got to go
to the bathroom.

( cat hisses
and screeches )

I'm Hank Hill.

This is Duke.

We have an appointment
with Dr. Leslie.

What's the nature
of your cat's problem?

Uh... he's pooping in my shoes.

Okay, go ahead
and have a seat.

And we ask that you please
not make eye contact

with Mr. Javier's parrot.

He's got anger issues.

( squawks )

( squawks loudly )

Hello, you must be
Duke's caregiver.

I'm Dr. Leslie.

How are you feeling today,
Mr. Duke?

Uh, yeah, so,
I don't know cats,

so I can't really tell
if anything is wrong.

That's the thing about animals.

They can't tell us what's wrong.

And take it from me,
they can't understand our jokes.

Why don't you
gently restrain him

so I can take some blood
and check his vitals?

Uh, yeah, don't you have
a strap or a clamp or something?

If you prefer, you could lay
on the examination table

and hold Duke to your chest.

Mm-hmm.

( chuckles )

Very good.

Well, everything
seems normal, Mr. Hill.

Oh, great, then I

just need you to sign this
Army form stating that, uh,

"Everything within
reason has been done

to ensure the proper
health of said animal."

Everything hasn't been done,
Mr. Hill.

Sure, Duke "looks" normal, but
I did not spend four extra years

specializing in small animal
treatment to just look.

I want to do some more
tests on Duke

to make sure we
don't miss anything.

EKG, MRI, maybe an iodine trace.

Okay.

First off, we're gonna
need to ensure

that Duke has been getting
the proper diet.

Oh, I'm way ahead
of you, Doctor.

I already have him on
the Scientific Formula.

You can't feed that
to a cat.

Mr. Hill, Duke should only
be eating Vet's Brand.

You're asking me to spend $57
on a bag of cat food?!

Well, we can't expect Duke
to buy it on his salary!

( chuckles )

You see? Nothing.

Okay, that's
gonna be $543.

What?!

Bone density test?

Lactose intolerance test?
Allergy panel?

I know it sounds
a bit pricey,

but these people have
all the best equipment.

( chuckles ):
Well, almost all
the best equipment.

You never stop selling,
do you, Tommy?

You're in good hands.
I don't have a pet,

but I'd bring my son
here, if they'd let me.

Listen, I can't afford this.

I'm taking my family
on vacation.

I'm just doing this because
I made a pledge to the Army.

I don't even like cats.

( snarls )

( hissing )

That's it!
Here, boy!

( gasps )
Dang it!

Okay, droop your eyelids.

Now un-flare that nostril.
That's it! Perfect.

Dad, look at my poker face.

We are gonna take everything
from that riverboat

but the paddle wheel.

Uh, yeah.
I'm sorry, you guys,

but Duke's vet visit just
cost us the Riverboat stop.

What?
What?

( sighs )

This is no longer
a valid TripTik.

I knew it. I knew
this whole thing

would blow up in our faces.

Hank, let's just
get rid of this cat.

It's ruining our lives.

I can't do that.

It'll be fine, you'll see.

Maybe we won't be able
to stay in hotels,

but we can camp... in the car!

( phone rings )

Hill residence.

It's Dr. Leslie.

Duke's blood work came back,
and his blood sugar is normal...

no adult-onset diabetes,
no hypertension, no hemophilia.

Oh, that's great!

But we did notice

his white blood cell count
is up slightly.

Uh. What does that mean?

Could be nothing,
could be cancer.

I'm gonna need you to come in
with Duke right away.

I'd like to do

a complete physical workup
to cover all our bases.

I also recommend this:

It's what we call
a feline mobility cart.

Wait. The cat can't walk?

Of course he can walk.
But rolling is easier.

You see, it may relieve

some pressure
and redirect blood flow.

Plus... alloy wheels.

But all this
could be for nothing, right?

I mean, Duke may not have
anything wrong with him.

Boy, that'd be great.

I'd like to go in.
In?

Do a small
exploratory surgery,

rule some things out.

What's that gonna cost me?

Guesstimate?

Between $1,000
and $2,000 and $3,000.

That's a lot of money.

See, my family
and I were...

kinda going on this
vacation...

Would it kill you
not to go on vacation?

Because it may kill Duke.

( sighs )

Do you take traveler's checks?

PEGGY:
You and your
stupid patriotism.

I'm sure that cat
will thank you

for canceling
our vacation by
hissing at you.

I expanded my bladder
for this trip.

Thanks a lot, Dad!

( sighs )

( squeaking )

( Duke retches )

( all gagging )

I can't believe
what they want me to do

to get Duke ready
for surgery.

To keep him sterile,

I have to put on these
little paper booties

before he uses the litter box.

Excuse me.

I believe your dog left
this toy in my yard.

So sorry about that.

He likes pretty ladies.

Oh. ( giggles )

Well, thank you.

Here's my number,
in case any more

of his toys
go missing.

BOBBY:
Dad!

Duke's wheels tracked poo
all over my bed sheets!

( yowling )
( gasps )

( wheels squeaking )

Tip-top news, Mr. Hill!

We've eliminated even
a remote possibility

that Duke has lung cancer,
stomach cancer,

or pancreatic cancer.

Oh, thank God.

So, uh, can you sign
the release?

Now we can move on

to Duke's circulatory
and skeletal systems.

( sighs )

$150 for a feline enema?

I could do it
for half that.

I wish I could
let you, Peggy.

Duke is bleeding us dry, Hank.

I think it is time to take him
to our vet for a second opinion.

Come on.

You get the crate,
I'll get the oven mitts.

That's a cute little cart
you got him in.

Do you have a little mouse
that rides in there, too?

Uh, I swore I would do all
that I could

for the care of this cat...
in writing.

You've had him tested

from his brain to his behind.
Sounds to me like you have.

You want me to sign that?

Well, thank you, but I need
Duke's vet of choice to do it--

Dr. Bradley Leslie.

Oh, he's top-notch.

Best in his field.

Well, I was kinda hoping
you'd tell me

he was a quack
and I wouldn't have
to listen to him.

And he's costing me
a fortune.

Well, he's got
all those new fancy machines.

And if you've got
the machines,

by God you're
gonna use them.

But truth is, sometimes cats
just get old.

Duke's going to die someday,

but not of anything
he's got right now.

But he keeps vomiting.

Cats vomit.
They eat, poop and vomit.

That's what they do.

So you're telling me I
sacrificed my family's vacation

so this guy can pay
for his fancy machines?

Yeah, you wouldn't believe
how much some of 'em go for.

Tommy, how much one of those
ultra-magnetic doohickeys

you keep yammering about
set me back?

The Magnetic Ultrasonic
Imager 9220?

You don't want to know.

It's so expensive,
no one can make money on it.

We only sold two:

one in Beverly Hills
and one in Aspen.

I could have one delivered
within the week.

So, wait. That machine's
even more expensive

than the ones
Dr. Leslie has?

Oh, yeah. He's got a 9210.
That's a solid unit.

But this baby's seven percent
more accurate,

and it comes in chrome.

Can I have some
of those brochures?

Uh, just take one, though.

They're also
really expensive.

Mr. Hill!

Teresa didn't tell me
you had an appointment.

I don't.

Look, I just stopped by
to tell you

there will be no more surgeries

or tests or anything else done
to my cat.

And I want you to sign this.

There are still
several more tests
we can perform, Mr. Hill.

You see, we have

a responsibility
to these creatures.

Duke can't tell us
he wants to live...

Yeah, yeah, I know, and
he can't joke around.

But I bet if he could
talk, he'd say he wants

to be put through the
Magnetic Ultrasonic Imager.

I've got one of those!

9220.

Says here that the 9220

is seven percent more accurate
than the old 9210.

( chuckles ):
Yes, but seven percent
more accuracy

hardly justifies
me spending that
kind of money.

I'd have to use
the machine on pets

and their owners
to break even.

It's just too expensive.

Well, that seems like
the kind of decision

you'd want to leave
to that woman and her bird,

or that guy and...

whatever the hell that thing is.

I'm sure they'd like to know
you've been depriving them

of the latest in full-body
diagnostic testing.

I wish I had enough
of these pamphlets
for everyone.

Hey, I guess
I could go out there

and read it out loud.

Now hold on a minute.

That machine
would bankrupt me.

I've got to draw
the line somewhere.

We all have to draw
the line somewhere.

Is that 9220

something you should
be using on Frank?

You can keep that pen.
It's from some company

that makes Viagra
for lizards.

Works for snakes, too!

( all cheering )

HANK:
Well, it's 3:00.

Right about now,

Dr. Leslie is turning Duke
over to Private Hennessey.

Look, I know this isn't the kind
of trip we all had in mind.

Bobby, why don't you go ahead
and have the "21-Rib Salute?"

Really?! It's not an entrée,
it's an event!

So, how much money

do we have left
in the vacation fund?

$98.

Which means, well,
this is as far as we can go.

You know, just being away
from Duke feels like a holiday.

Good food, family,

the Cowboys.

Now this is what I
call a dream vacation.

( all cheering )

Army sergeant Bill Dauterive
relinquishing command of Buster!

On behalf of myself and the crew
of the USS Eisenhower,

I say thank you.

( all cheering )

Wow.

How you getting
home, Sergeant?

I, I, uh...

You ever pulled two Gs?

Don't worry.

Buster'll sit
on your lap.

DALE: Oh, this has been
a cat-astrophe!