King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 9, Episode 5 - Dale to the Chief - full transcript

BILL:
Here comes the mail!

I wonder if I got anything!

I'm not gonna
get anything.

I sure hope my new
driver's license

finally shows up.

I hear the new
security holograms

are outstanding.

Maybe that's what's
holding things up.

I'll tell you why
your license is taking so long.

The U.S. Postal Service
is bogged down

in the most elaborate
psy-ops campaign in history.



First, they fatten us up

with all those two-for-one
pizza coupons.

Then when we're too logy
to put up a fight,

they sell us off
to the Red Cross,

who removes our kidneys
which go back on the pizzas

to start the process
all over again.

Did you mean
for all those words
to come out together

or did they fall out
randomly?

( laughing )

Hank, you're just a mouse caught
in the government's Habitrail.

Ring the bell
and get your cheese, man.

Howdy, Hank.

You got something

from the Department
of Public Safety.



My driver's license!

We were just talking
about that!

Hm-mm...

And I didn't forget you,
Mr. Gribble.

How did you know my name?

Go to hell.

Hey, it's here!

Guess what--

Driver's license.
Driver's license.

"Hank R. Hill.

Eyes: Brown--"
Yes, sir.

"Weight 220--"
and dang proud of it.

"Sex: F?"

That's female!

( both laugh )

Could you imagine Dad
a woman?

( imitating Hank ):
Now where did I put
my panty hose?

Bobby, living room.

Look at that, Peggy.

Right over
the Texas State Seal.

It's not that big
of a deal, honey.

Just ignore it.

Nobody even checks IDs anymore.

But what if I died
in some car accident,

and because of my license,

they put me
in the ladies' morgue?

You can bet
that'd wind up on the news.

Are you gonna
wear that, Hank?

Because I have a little purse
that would look so good...

( giggling )

Peggy, living room!

( Joseph screaming )

He-ya!

I just had the worst dream.

Oh.

How about I read
you a story?

Just like I used to before you
got a mustache

and became so frightening.

Here we go,

the greatest fairy tale
ever told...

It's got everything.

The Prince of Camelot,

Rubys and magic bullets.

( clearing throat )

"The gloomy overcast sky
had given way

to bright sunshine as Air Force
One touched down in Dallas..."

"Lee Harvey Oswald purchased
a Coca-Cola

"from a vending machine

and was preparing to eat
a chicken lunch..."

"The President's
motorcade proceeded

through downtown Dallas
towards Dealey Plaza."

Why is it called
Dealey Plaza anyway?

Hmm, excellent
question, Joseph.

Uh...
Doesn't really say here...

We could "See Appendix"

but that's what's been keeping
the kitchen table

from wobbling all these years.

But, Dad, now I'll never
be able to sleep.

( sighs )

How can I say no to those
beady little brown eyes.

Wow, look at it all!

Charts and footnotes and maps.

Ooh, here's a cool diagram
of Dealey Plaza.

So, the motorcade was
going west on...

Wait, I thought
they were headed east.

but, this is east.

Wait, I'm all messed up here.

Where's the grassy knoll?

This isn't right.

I always thought west
was this way...

The motorcade turned
and went...

How could...
I thought... But...

West?!

( sighs )

Okay. So...

heading west--

the grassy knoll
is in front of Kennedy.

The Book Depository is behind
him...

But... but that makes sense.

It can't make sense.

It's the Warren Commission
report for God's sake!

But that means the government
could be right.

( sputtering )

So, where's that
new license, Mrs. Hill?

Or should I say Miss Hill?

Can't go wrong with Ms.

( chuckling )

I don't know why everybody
thinks me being mistaken

for a lady is funny.
It's not.

( screams )

Is that funny?

Nope. Nancy says that
Dale's really upset

about this Kennedy thing.

We should probably
talk to him.

At least get him
to put on some pants.

Dale?

Hey, guys.

How ya doing, buddy?

I finally
stopped crying...

only because I started vomiting.

I know that assassination meant
a lot to you, Dale.

I'm sorry...

My world view... pffft,
it's gone.

I mean if they were right
about Kennedy

maybe we really did go
to the moon.

Oh, man, how could you not
know dang ol' direction, man?

Everybody knows
it's west, man.

I didn't have a compass

when I was reading
the freaking book, Boomhauer!

Which direction are you
facing right now?

Huh?

Not so easy
is it, Magellan?

You've got other
conspiracies, Dale.

You got, uh...

Aliens.

That's right--
you got aliens.

Why don't you tell us about
how the aliens are...

are gonna do things?

Don't you patronize me.

I got to go to Dallas.

I need to figure
this thing out.

Maybe if you showed Dale
your lady license,

it would cheer him up.

Uh, I just got my driver's
license in the mail

and it says I'm a female.

And how can I help you?

Uh, well, I'm clearly not one.

Then why did you mark "F"
on your application?

I didn't.

Now if you could just change
it for me? Please.

We just don't "change"
driver's licenses anymore.

I'll admit, in the old days
we used to take pictures

of donkeys or anything
for a laugh--

but all that changed
once the DPS

became a division
of the Office of
Homeland Security.

Look, someone pressed
the wrong button
on their computer.

Can't you just fix it?

I brought my birth certificate.

I'm not the post office.

You need to send this
to the Austin branch--

registered mail--
and bingo

they'll square it away
in four to six weeks.

Now if you'll step aside, ma'am.
Ma'am?!

I can't get sued
if I call you what's
on the license.

Okay, stay calm.

I'm in Dealey Plaza.
It's 1963.

I am President Kennedy
and I'm not going this way.

I'm going this way.

Texas School Book Depository.

Sixth floor.

It just makes absolute total
complete perfect sense!

The grassy knoll!

Kennedy was not killed
by a lone gunman!

Tell me, brother!
Let me believe!

Kennedy wasn't killed at all.

He dropped out
of a false bottom
in the limo

and is now an
easy-listening DJ
in Northern Michigan.

Kennedy didn't
get shot in '63.

He slipped down to Mexico where
he got in on the ground floor

of the Pollo Loco
franchise.

( groans )

( moaning )

I don't know, I don't know...

I mean, I thought I knew.

but it turns out I didn't...

MAN:
Excuse me, sir.
You okay?

Okay, let's get you a hot meal
and get you taken care of.

But... You'd do that for me?

Just doing my job, sir.

The DPS said they
couldn't do it

because
of national security.

What does the contents
of my underpants

have to do with
national security?

( horn honks )

( marching band music )

Dale?!

Greetings my fellow Americans.

Uh, you know you got
the flags flying

right side up, there, Dale.

Yep.

Hey, did you guys know

that there's a star
for each state?

Brilliant!

♪ You're a grand old flag ♪

♪ You're a something
something flag ♪

♪ And forever in peace
may you wave ♪

♪ You're the emblem blah,
the one blah, blah... ♪

So... now you love
the government?

Give me liberty
or give me death!

But only the kind
of liberty you find

in a controlled,
well-regulated society.

Uh, we are talking about
the U.S. government, right?

Not another one
you made up

with your buddies
from the gun club?

I figure if the government
was right about Kennedy,

they must be right
about everything.

Look at this.

"Government warning:
Cigarettes cause cancer."

Only a true friend tells you the
stuff you don't want to hear.

I could've
told you that, Dale.

But you didn't,
did you?

Shame on you, Hank.

The government has
always been there for me,

and now it's time for me
to be there for it.

Hey, who wants to go
down to the U.S. post office

and tell 'em what a good job
they're doing?

Why don't we go
down there

and find out what happened
to my birth certificate?

I sent it registered mail,

and the Department of Public
Safety still hasn't gotten it,

and the post office
doesn't know where it is.

You should be happy
you live in a country

that even has a post office.

Show some gratitude.

♪ And I'm proud to be
an American ♪

♪ Where at least
I know I'm free ♪

♪ 'Cause there ain't no doubt ♪

♪ I love this land ♪

♪ God bless the U.S.A. ♪

Hey, Dad,
I was just thinking,

if you really were a woman,

that would make you
and mom lesbians.

That's it!
The cable's gone.

He's right, Hank.

We wouldn't even be married.

We'd be domestic partners.

We overcame years
of scrutiny

in a small but
meaningful ceremony.

What? You want
"documentation"

of my gender?

I don't get it.

Isn't the Adam's apple

I've been yelling at you with
proof enough?

No, I'll need your doctor
to sign this form

confirming you are the gender
you claim to be.

( sighs ):
This DPS is really amazing.

I didn't know
it was possible

to feel ignored and violated
at the same time.

Now, get
on your got-dang computer

and change my license!

Are you making a
threat to a public
safety employee?

What?

No, I-I'm not
making a threat.

Okay, then.

Sha-sha-sha! Sha-sha!

I'm so jacked up
on America!

Any of you boys mind
if I recite the Constitution?

Sure.
Sure, man, go
ahead on, man.

"We the people,
in order to form..."

Come on, Dale.

I've had a long day.

Courtesy of
the U.S. of A.

I love this country
as much as the next guy...

Not if the next guy's me.

Look, if the government
is so perfect,

why did they send me a license
that says I'm a woman, huh?

Because you're a woman.

It makes so much sense.

What?

Do you really think

Hank's a woman?

Not just your ideal of what
a perfect woman would be?

Dale, if you actually believe
that I'm a woman,

then you're crazier now
than you've ever been.

Crazy? You tell
me what's crazier:

that the government's
free cheese contained

surveillance
devices to monitor
America's underclass--

as I once believed--
or that you're a woman--

as I now believe.

If my country says
you're a woman,

I say, "Enchante,
madame."

Whoa, I think
you've had

enough to drink,
sweetheart.

Thanks for seeing
me, Doctor.

My regular physician
couldn't squeeze me in.

I got this form
from the DPS.

I just need you to
say that I'm a man.

Whoa, I'm not signing a paper
that "just says" anything.

Those days went out
with house calls.

But I'm clearly a man.

Look, I am willing
to do a blood test

and a genetic screening.

That is proof positive
and not actionable.

( sighs ):
Can't you just do a,
you know... visual exam?

Gender is not as cut and dried
as it used to be, Mr. Hill.

Even if you have
male organs,

there's transsexual
hormone therapy,

plastic surgery...

Can't you tell the difference

between the ones made by God

and ones jerry-rigged
out of a toe and some old skin?

Legally, no.

These back issues of
Rosie are just fabulous.

They said it would take
two to three weeks

to get back my results...
you know, to prove I'm a man.

Oh, why are you fighting
this so much, Hank?

You know, my hair
stylist was telling me

that I am a
lipstick lesbian.

Apparently, that's
the best kind.

You are quite lucky.

( sighs ):
Bobby, get off the roof!

If you're up there
with that cape again,

so help me...
( shrieks )

Look! I thought
with Old Glory

over your head,
you might feel

a little more pride
in being an American.

My shingles!
Get down here right now!

Yeah, I bet it looks pretty
damn majestic from down there.

Now, I could only fit 34 stars,

so pretend it's 1861,
if you would.

I'm not messing around.

I have proven
I can kick your ass

while standing on a ladder!

Hank, I-I didn't see you
as a flag hater.

I'm not-- you painted
my entire got-dang roof!

With the symbol
of our amazing government.

Yeah, well, I
don't want to talk

about the government
right now.

I am so got-dang tired

of all the bureaucracy
and red tape.

Uh-huh, uh-huh,
I hear what you're saying.

Uh, I got some paint remover
at the house.

I'll just...

Office of Homeland Security?

Wow! Is this Tom Ridge?

Oh. Hello, Jeff.

I would like to report
an anti-American.

My neighbor is making
inflammatory remarks

about the government,
and he is defacing

an American flag as we speak.

He is also in the process
of altering his identity.

Hank Hill, 123 Rainey Street.

( beeps )

Let's say
an Apache helicopter
were to land over here.

Would there be room
for its gun turrets

to be pointed at,
say, Hank's house?

You cannot speak until
my roof is spotless!

Whoa.
A black Suburban.

The new models
are much smaller

and greener
than last year's.

Morning, gentlemen,
looking for a Hank Hill.

Resisting arrest!

Why don't we,
uh, head inside?

You think I'm a threat
to America?!

That was the call
we received, sir.

Look, I've had some trouble
with my driver's license,

but I love this country.

It's illegal for us
to "profile" anyone,

but I know
what I'm looking for.

Not that I'm looking for
anything in particular--

but you're not it.

Yeah, but who made you
think I was?

I can't say.
Maybe nobody.

Maybe somebody.
Like I said, I can't say.

Probably not him.

( screaming )

No more, Dale!

I've put up
with some giblet-headed things

out of you in the past,

but calling the FBI on me--
that's final!

Why don't you both have
a nice cold beer?

Beer always calms
everybody down.

I'm sorry, but after
the stunt you just pulled,

we are no longer friends.

Fine. Nancy doesn't approve of
me having lady friends anyway.

( chuckles )

So he wormed his way out
of the usually firm grasp

of the FBI, did he?

Looks like I'll have
to bring in ol' Hank myself.

Soon the Bald Eagle will be on
him like white on rice.

Or brown. Or yellow.

Because our country
is a melting pot.

Yep, I just have to bide my time
and wait for the right moment.

Mail call.

I have something here
for Mrs. Hill.

Huh, I wonder which one
of you this is for.

I'm getting tired of that joke.

Seriously.
It's addressed to Mrs. Hill,

but it's from the Texas Propane
Gas Association.

The TPGA?

Oh, God, I've been nominated for
Texas Propane Woman of the year!

That tears it!

They've pushed me too far!

I'm going down to that DPS

and I'm getting my license fixed
once and for all.

I don't care if I have
to climb over that counter

and do it myself!

This is what
I've been biding for!

An outburst!

In a government institution!

Octavio, plan F--
Arlen DPS.

What are you doing, sug?

I'm sending the police
to respond

to a "disturbance" at the DPS.

And everyone will see Hank Hill
for what he truly is!

An America hating he/she!

( laughs )

( coughs )

You ought to be ashamed
of yourself, sug.

Letting Hank get himself
into trouble like that.

First lesson
they taught us at the Academy:

do not get emotionally involved.

What academy?

Anyway, even if I wanted
to stop Hank,

which I don't, it's too late.

The wheels are in spin.

You could go down there
and help him.

Why should I do that?

He's a threat to the government!

The one that makes sure
my air is clean

and that my food has only
an acceptable amount

of rat feces in it.

He's your best friend.

( groans )

Don't you see?

I've been undermining
the U.S. government
for 40 years.

This will help repay my debt.

All I know, sug,
is that back when you were crazy

and thought
the government was evil,

who looked out for you?

Next.

All right, here it is:

I have tried to be patient
with you, but I've had enough.

My name is Hank Hill,
and I am a man.

You are going
to change my license

to reflect that or else.

Is that a threat?

( sighs ):
If it has to be.

Excuse me!

What now, Dale?

I am Dale Gribble,
American citizen,

and I demand that you help
my disturbed friend here.

I'm sorry, sir, but
the state requires...

Listen,

I've never
been able

to say this in my whole life,

but as of 2 p.m. yesterday,
I am a taxpayer!

And I demand $36 worth
of service!

Sir, if you...

I know the chain of command

starting with your supervisor,
Franklin Thomas,

all the way up

to the Under-intendent
of Transportation,

Edward Dibble, whose daughters,
Pat and Ellie,

played Ladybug Soccer
with the daughters

of the President
of the United States!

And I'm not afraid
to make some phone calls!

( indistinct mumbling )

I'm your worst nightmare!

I have a three-line phone

and nothing at all
to do with my time!

( applause )

( clears throat )

Uh, here's your interim
driver's license, Mr. Hill.

Please confirm
the information
is correct

and sign on
the line.

You really helped me
out back there, Dale.

I appreciate it.

No problem, friend.

But I have to ask
you a tough question:

Hank Hill,

are you a man?

Yes, Dale, I'm a man.

Okay. I'm willing to
take that on faith.

Here's what still
puzzles me, though.

If you are a man, then
the government is wrong.

Uh-huh.

But if the
government is right,

and you really
are a woman,

they shouldn't have
caved so easily.

That shows lack
of conviction.

Yeah, that's a tough one
all right.

Huh. I got some
thinking to do.

BOBBY ( imitating Hank):
Where did I put my panty hose?