King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 9, Episode 4 - Yard, She Blows! - full transcript
Peggy tries to spruce up the front yard by purchasing a lawn gnome, much to Hank's horror.
( sniffs )
Why would anyone do drugs
when they could just mow a lawn?
Hank, we were all out
of your sports drink,
so I blended some lemonade
with a few
of Bobby's chewable vitamins.
If you want,
we can call it
"Lemon-ator-ade."
I gotta say,
we walk through
this neighborhood
all the time,
and you have the most
beautifully
maintained house.
What's your secret
to keeping the grass so green?
Uh...
Oh, it's simple, really.
We water it.
Uh, actually, it's
not that simple.
Every three weeks
I put down a 28-3-3
mix of fertilizer
and weed control.
Oh.
Well, it's not just
the lawn.
It's all the attention
to detail.
Like the way the brass
door knocker sets off
the color of the trim.
Oh, right.
And it matches the
hinges perfectly.
Did it come as a set?
Well...
I'm not sure.
Interesting story
about the screws
in those hinges...
Hey, you want to see
something really great?
Just look at these drapes
and tell me
they're not real velvet, huh?
Interesting story...
I bought these the day
John Lennon was shot.
PEGGY:
What was I thinking?
Dragging those
people off the street.
They probably
thought I was nuts.
Yeah, I was
a little confused myself.
I guess it just hit me.
I have nothing to do with
our house's curb appeal.
Hank, from now on
I am becoming more involved
in the front yard.
Maybe plant some
exotic flowers.
Something that says,
"Peggy Hill lives here."
The front yard, huh?
I tell you what.
How about
we repaint the kitchen?
You can pick out
any shade of white you want:
eggshell, ivory,
Swiss coffee.
Sky's the limit.
The front yard
is the statement
a home makes
to the rest
of the world.
Right now, it's
your statement.
It should be
our statement.
Well, I guess we could try
a few flowers under the windows.
But nothing that climbs.
Yep.
Mm, yep.
What the...?
How do you like
Joseph's new minibike?
He won it off me
in a poker game.
You know, that bike's
not street legal.
All right. Joseph,
get off the street!
No, not on the lawns!
Boy, Hank, you sure got
a lot of arbitrary rules.
Lotta dang ol' flowers, man.
Talkin' 'bout
an ol' Algernon man.
Talkin' 'bout ol'
Cliff Robertson,
I tell you what, man.
Got-dang ol' five
cents a minute, man.
Yeah, Peggy's fixing up
the front yard a bit.
Gee, Hank,
if your wife wants to
screw something up,
why can't she just
stick to Bobby?
It'll be fine.
The plants have
little tags
with instructions on 'em.
( sotto voce ):
Please don't ruin my yard.
Congratulations, Bill.
You no longer have
the worst yard in Arlen.
Peggy's traveling
circus of death
has seen to that.
Yeah, man, she just like the
dang ol' grim reaper, man.
Talkin' 'bout them ol'
sunflowers. ( gags )
And then them petunias.
( gags )
And the ol' daisies, too, man.
"Help me!"
( sighs )
She's trying so hard.
Joseph, that is not a toy!
Hey, you put
a dent in it.
Sorry, Dad.
I sorta crashed
into a telephone pole.
I don't care what you...!
Oh...
I can't stay
mad at you.
Bet you can't
steer that thing
with your feet.
So, uh, Peggy,
maybe it's time
to pull up some of
those dead plants.
They're not dead.
They just need
some more sunlight.
There's no damn sun!
Well, maybe if you...
No one asked
for your opinion, okay?
Okay, I'm sorry.
I just really want
to do this on my own.
MIHN:
Listen to your husband,
Peggy Hill.
If there's one thing
that brillo-haired
hillbilly can do,
it's farm.
( laughing )
Angel of Death
meet Old MacDonald!
♪ E-I-E-I-Ow! ♪
I tried perennials,
I tried annuals,
I tried succulents...
Well, you just got
to keep trying
until you find
the right thing,
and when you finally
do, you'll know it.
Thank you, Hank.
KAHN:
She just touched
your arm.
Quick, amputate!
( laughing )
Excuse me, do you
know of a plant
that can withstand
over-watering,
inadequate fertilization,
and perhaps some
over-zealous pruning?
Yeah, they're called weeds.
Great, give me a tray of...
You know, hotshot,
you may think
you have the world
by the tail right now,
making five dollars
an hour,
with that ridiculous
red vest and...
Just give us a
flat of impatiens.
I'm not done with
you, Pimples.
( scoffs ):
Impatiens.
Everyone has impatiens.
How is that going to wow
the pants off anyone?
Ooh! An estate sale.
Pull over.
Dead people have tons
of clothes
that they don't want
anymore.
Fine, but make it fast.
If these turds
die in the car,
I'll set a new record.
Oh, what beautiful
morning glories.
Thank you.
So, you're a gardener?
I'm beginning to think no.
( gasps )
My God, I love that.
What's that called?
Oh, that's Winklebottom.
Kind of a rarity in these parts.
Came all the way from Germany.
Mmm, boy, that's exactly
what I need in my front yard.
Would you consider selling?
Come on, let's get this
in the ground
before Hank gets home.
Peggy Hill has found
her calling card.
( tires screeching )
( horn honks )
( scoffs ):
Idiot.
( shrieking )
So, what do you think?
I think... uh,
I think it's an elf.
Actually, the term
is "garden gnome."
His name is Winklebottom.
Don't you just love how
your eye goes right to him?
Yeah, I didn't even
notice the house.
I cannot tell you
what a relief this is.
I was getting
so frustrated
with everything
dying on me.
Uh, I don't know, Peggy.
Do you really think
this is, uh...
this-this thing
is for us?
It was just
like you said.
I saw it,
and I immediately knew.
Just like you said.
Uh... yeah.
Oh, we have
a garden gnome.
Oh, boy.
I shall call him Vandor.
You will call
him Winklebottom,
like everyone else.
Now let's go get
an old toothbrush.
I want to clean the spider
eggs from his ears.
So is that a
ceramic gnome,
or did Peggy
kill a real gnome
and take it to
a taxidermist?
Gosh, Hank,
what will people think
when they see
that thing out here?
( sighs )
God willing,
they'll think Peggy's a widow.
Hey, how do we know you
didn't buy the gnome yourself
and are just pretending
not to like the gnome
so that your friends
don't make fun of you?
BILL:
* Hank likes the gnome *
♪ Hank likes the gnome. ♪
I do not like the gnome, Bill.
♪ Hank-y and Gnome-y
sittin' in a tree... ♪
That's it.
I'm kicking your ass.
I'm sorry! I'm
sorry! I'm sorry!
Good morning, Hank.
Good morning,
Mailman Thompson.
( gasps )
Hank, were you
trying to keep
that mailman from
seeing our gnome?
No, no. Of course not.
Oh. You just
did it again.
Well, it's just that
people are starting to,
you know, say nasty things
about our house.
Like what?
What are they saying?
Well, like yesterday,
I heard the FedEx guy
call our house "the one
with the gnome out front."
Oh, I see what
this is all about.
For years, everyone
has always raved
about your grass
and your hinges,
and now you're afraid
you're being displaced.
My God.
What a beautiful
Winklebottom.
Yes, very good.
That is Winklebottom.
How did you know?
Are you kidding?
I'd recognize one anywhere.
That darling bulbous nose.
Those adorable
hairy knuckles...
This is a 1932 original,
handmade
by Klaus Zeigenlef, himself.
Really?
You hear that Hank?
I heard it.
I am just so envious,
but do you mind
if I offer up
a little tip?
Your Winklebottom is
facing southeast.
Technically,
he should face north.
Wonderful. Why?
Well, that's where they're more
apt to find tree moss,
which is how they make
their delicious gnome tea.
That is so charming.
No, it's not.
Oh, there's so much lore
for you to discover.
You're gonna lose
yourself for hours
in all the chat rooms
and message boards.
Hey, are you
into Babylon 5?
No. Should I be?
Oh. "Garden Gnome
Fact Number 28:
"At night, garden gnomes
are quite lively,
but they turn to stone
the second daylight hits them."
I love it.
Hey, maybe tonight
we should leave out
a snack plate for
old Winklebottom.
Perhaps a fruit pie?
No, Bobby.
Winklebottom would like
mushrooms and dandelions
and a thimbleful
of peppermint schnapps.
Look, Mom, they have
a whole section
called "gnomenclature."
Thank you,
President Winklebottom.
I would love to join you
for tea in the Rose Gar...
We got a shooter!
I'll take the bullet!
( grunting )
( gasps ):
Oh...
Dad, I need your help!
I broke Winklebottom.
Oh, boy.
It was an
accident, I swear.
Please, tell me
you can fix it.
All right, let's take a look.
Uh... I'm afraid
there's nothing I can do.
Sorry, Bobby.
But-but Mom loved that gnome.
She's going to kill me.
Bobby, calm down.
How do you expect
me to calm down?!
You can't fix it!
Yeah, but maybe
it's for the best.
Your mother had grown
way too attached to that gnome.
Better that something
happened to it now,
before she got
even more attached to it.
Don't worry, Bobby,
I'll take care of everything.
Oh, thanks, Dad.
Uh, don't sweat it.
That's what being a father
is all about.
Okay, we're going to dump him
in one of these cans,
and if he doesn't
fit, just whack him
a few times with this
fire extinguisher.
So, Mom's really going to think
someone stole it?
Uh-huh. There.
That one.
Uh, I don't know
about this house.
There's a lot of lights on.
All right.
That driveway's empty.
Someone could pull in
at any moment.
Fine, I'll
do it myself.
OLD WOMAN:
Is that you, Janet?
( gasps )
( tires squeal )
We did it, Dad.
We really did it.
Not yet, we didn't.
( crunching )
( crunching )
Bobby, we are never to
speak of this again.
( birds chirping )
( dog barking )
Good morning.
So how was miniature golf
last night?
Um, okay.
( clears throat )
We were there for 90 minutes.
Dad shot a three under par,
and I shot four over.
Later, we stopped for ice cream.
( thump )
Oh, there's my paper.
( Peggy screams )
Remember, son,
everything's
gonna be okay.
Winklebottom!
My Winklebottom!
This is
just awful.
Who would do such a thing?
Hooligans.
( crying )
Oh, it's just so senseless!
SALLY:
Oh, my God.
Peggy, Hank,
what happened to
our Winklebottom?
( crying ):
Oh, I don't know, Sally!
I don't know!
I'm calling
the police.
The cops?! Dad!
Now, hold on, there.
The police have more
important things to do than...
Hank, honey,
you're too frazzled
to think straight.
Aunt Sally's taking care
of things now.
So is Winklebottom
his first name
or his last name?
It's just Winklebottom, damn it!
We're wasting time here!
I'm just trying to
be thorough, ma'am.
Now did any of you
hear any strange
noises last night?
No, sir. I was here all night.
No, you weren't.
You were out playing
miniature golf last night.
He shot three under par.
I shot four over.
We stopped for ice cream!
Oh, right. That course
out there on Lexington.
That last hole's
a doozy, ain't it?
Yes.
Please, Officer,
tell me you'll
catch the bastards...
who did this.
Honestly, ma'am,
there's not much I can do.
Teenagers are always
stealing these things
and doing God knows
what to them.
If we ever do
find your Winklebottom,
there's a good chance
you're not gonna want him back.
( crying ):
No.
( tires screeching )
Hey!
Fancy riding, Tex!
♪ Green Acres is the place
to be ♪
♪ Farm livin' is the life
for me ♪
♪ Land spreadin'... ♪
( sighs )
Oh, heck.
( sighing )
Come on, Peggy.
It was just a
garden gnome.
Yeah, and propane is just
a stupid gas!
Uh, I'm sorry.
I have no reason
to lash out at you.
It's just
that you get praised
all the time about the house,
but I don't.
That's why Winklebottom
was a big deal for me.
Complete strangers
would walk by our house
and say to themselves,
"That's the lady
with the cool gnome."
Now I'm just the old hag
who picks up dog poop
with a hockey stick.
( sighs )
Bobby, I'm telling your mother
what happened.
You're what?!
I can't stand
to see her like this.
It's the only thing
that'll give her peace.
No way!
The whole time
you've been giving me grief
about cracking,
and now you're gonna crack?!
Uh-uh.
We had a deal, old man!
Hey, watch your mouth.
Sorry.
Look,
I'll take all the heat.
She won't know
you had anything
to do with this.
But she has to know.
Uh, Peggy,
I've got something difficult
to tell you.
Vandals didn't take your gnome.
It was me.
What?
Well, his ear broke off,
so I drove him
to the Heimlich County Forest
and buried him
in a shallow grave.
No. No, you're lying.
I'm not, Peggy.
It's the truth.
No. Even if you
hated Winklebottom,
there is no way
you would ever do
such a hurtful thing.
( gasps )
Oh, my God,
you're covering for someone.
Peggy, I'm-I'm not...
Bobby! It's Bobby!
Me?!
Of course.
You were playing one
of your weird little games,
and you broke it, didn't you?
Uh... uh... Dad?
No, no, really,
it was me.
I couldn't stand
the little freak,
so I rolled him in a towel
and smashed him to pieces
for good measure.
BOBBY:
You should've seen him, Mom.
He was nuts!
How dare you try
laying this on your father!
You're grounded
for a week, mister.
Dad!
Peggy, really, he didn't...
Don't make it any
worse for him, Hank.
Now you go
to your room!
Dinnertime.
One peanut butter
and jelly sandwich, no dessert.
( quietly ):
There's pudding in my sock.
( grumbles )
Everything'll be fine.
Your mother
will get over this.
No, she won't.
Dad, you've got
to get her a new one.
But... ( sighs )
that thing was pretty rare.
I wouldn't even know
where to get another one.
I do.
You know that German
tourist town on I-35?
The one with
the windmills
and the
gingerbread houses?
( groans )
New Hoffenschime.
If they don't have
a replacement
for Winklebottom,
then no one does.
PEGGY:
Lights out, Bobby.
( shouting ):
I said, lights out!
( whispering ):
I'll bring you back a T-shirt.
I need a gnome.
And not just any gnome.
I need a Winklebottom.
( laughing )
A Winklebottom!
Why don't you ask
me to move a rainbow?
Ugh. I can't tell
if you're being sarcastic,
or just weird.
If you're
lucky enough
to get a hold of
a Winklebottom,
you better hang
on for dear life.
Now, if you want
something spectacular,
how about one of these?
Just marked it down 80%.
Hey, what's that over there?
Oh, that's an
antique Figgleforth.
True, he looks very
similar to Winklebottom,
but let me warn you--
completely different
personality.
Wrap him up
and get me out of here.
WOMAN:
Ooh, a Figgleforth!
Excuse me, I
had him first.
Actually, you didn't.
Hey, hey, let's leave
the fighting
to the trolls, okay?
I really need
this particular gnome.
Who doesn't?!
I bet this joker
doesn't even know
where gnomes
come from.
Or how they
say good night
to each other.
Or what it means
when they shave
their mustache
and not
their beard.
All right, you got me.
I'm not a dork,
I sell propane.
Truth is, I hate gnomes.
I really,
really hate them.
But my wife loves 'em.
And as beautiful as my lawn
and my galvanized
steel rain gutters are,
they're no match
for my wife's happiness.
I'd do anything
to see her happy again.
Even if it means
putting this character
in my yard.
Okay, Blanche,
the gnome is yours.
Huh. Declined.
You're maxxed out.
Put it on layaway!
I'll pay cash.
Come back and see us again.
Uh, yeah, I don't think so.
I was talking
to Figgleforth.
BOBBY:
Yup.
That's true north.
Here, you can give
this to your mother.
It's the fully
executed copy
of the, uh,
adoption papers.
I know how hard
that must have been
for you, Dad.
You want to talk about it?
Just get your mother.
Mom!
Bobby, you are supposed to be...
( gasps )
Oh! It's beautiful.
His name is Figgleforth!
We found
him in New
Hoffenschime.
It was
Bobby's
idea.
Oh, Hank, I love it.
And it is so sweet of you
to give Bobby credit for this,
but I know it was all you.
What?!
No, Peggy,
he really...
Oh, don't worry, Hank.
I'm not mad at him anymore.
Kids will be kids.
Tell you what, Bobby.
Since your Dad's being
so generous towards you,
so can I.
I am suspending
your sentence.
Thanks.
Yup. Now he's out here
for the whole world to see.
You know,
now that I think about it,
I'm not sure if I even want
to keep him on the lawn.
You don't?
Well, you heard
that policeman.
People steal these things
all the time.
Maybe it's best
if we keep it inside.
Yes! Perfect!
Oh, that makes so much sense!
Inside.
BILL:
* Hank likes the gnome *
Why would anyone do drugs
when they could just mow a lawn?
Hank, we were all out
of your sports drink,
so I blended some lemonade
with a few
of Bobby's chewable vitamins.
If you want,
we can call it
"Lemon-ator-ade."
I gotta say,
we walk through
this neighborhood
all the time,
and you have the most
beautifully
maintained house.
What's your secret
to keeping the grass so green?
Uh...
Oh, it's simple, really.
We water it.
Uh, actually, it's
not that simple.
Every three weeks
I put down a 28-3-3
mix of fertilizer
and weed control.
Oh.
Well, it's not just
the lawn.
It's all the attention
to detail.
Like the way the brass
door knocker sets off
the color of the trim.
Oh, right.
And it matches the
hinges perfectly.
Did it come as a set?
Well...
I'm not sure.
Interesting story
about the screws
in those hinges...
Hey, you want to see
something really great?
Just look at these drapes
and tell me
they're not real velvet, huh?
Interesting story...
I bought these the day
John Lennon was shot.
PEGGY:
What was I thinking?
Dragging those
people off the street.
They probably
thought I was nuts.
Yeah, I was
a little confused myself.
I guess it just hit me.
I have nothing to do with
our house's curb appeal.
Hank, from now on
I am becoming more involved
in the front yard.
Maybe plant some
exotic flowers.
Something that says,
"Peggy Hill lives here."
The front yard, huh?
I tell you what.
How about
we repaint the kitchen?
You can pick out
any shade of white you want:
eggshell, ivory,
Swiss coffee.
Sky's the limit.
The front yard
is the statement
a home makes
to the rest
of the world.
Right now, it's
your statement.
It should be
our statement.
Well, I guess we could try
a few flowers under the windows.
But nothing that climbs.
Yep.
Mm, yep.
What the...?
How do you like
Joseph's new minibike?
He won it off me
in a poker game.
You know, that bike's
not street legal.
All right. Joseph,
get off the street!
No, not on the lawns!
Boy, Hank, you sure got
a lot of arbitrary rules.
Lotta dang ol' flowers, man.
Talkin' 'bout
an ol' Algernon man.
Talkin' 'bout ol'
Cliff Robertson,
I tell you what, man.
Got-dang ol' five
cents a minute, man.
Yeah, Peggy's fixing up
the front yard a bit.
Gee, Hank,
if your wife wants to
screw something up,
why can't she just
stick to Bobby?
It'll be fine.
The plants have
little tags
with instructions on 'em.
( sotto voce ):
Please don't ruin my yard.
Congratulations, Bill.
You no longer have
the worst yard in Arlen.
Peggy's traveling
circus of death
has seen to that.
Yeah, man, she just like the
dang ol' grim reaper, man.
Talkin' 'bout them ol'
sunflowers. ( gags )
And then them petunias.
( gags )
And the ol' daisies, too, man.
"Help me!"
( sighs )
She's trying so hard.
Joseph, that is not a toy!
Hey, you put
a dent in it.
Sorry, Dad.
I sorta crashed
into a telephone pole.
I don't care what you...!
Oh...
I can't stay
mad at you.
Bet you can't
steer that thing
with your feet.
So, uh, Peggy,
maybe it's time
to pull up some of
those dead plants.
They're not dead.
They just need
some more sunlight.
There's no damn sun!
Well, maybe if you...
No one asked
for your opinion, okay?
Okay, I'm sorry.
I just really want
to do this on my own.
MIHN:
Listen to your husband,
Peggy Hill.
If there's one thing
that brillo-haired
hillbilly can do,
it's farm.
( laughing )
Angel of Death
meet Old MacDonald!
♪ E-I-E-I-Ow! ♪
I tried perennials,
I tried annuals,
I tried succulents...
Well, you just got
to keep trying
until you find
the right thing,
and when you finally
do, you'll know it.
Thank you, Hank.
KAHN:
She just touched
your arm.
Quick, amputate!
( laughing )
Excuse me, do you
know of a plant
that can withstand
over-watering,
inadequate fertilization,
and perhaps some
over-zealous pruning?
Yeah, they're called weeds.
Great, give me a tray of...
You know, hotshot,
you may think
you have the world
by the tail right now,
making five dollars
an hour,
with that ridiculous
red vest and...
Just give us a
flat of impatiens.
I'm not done with
you, Pimples.
( scoffs ):
Impatiens.
Everyone has impatiens.
How is that going to wow
the pants off anyone?
Ooh! An estate sale.
Pull over.
Dead people have tons
of clothes
that they don't want
anymore.
Fine, but make it fast.
If these turds
die in the car,
I'll set a new record.
Oh, what beautiful
morning glories.
Thank you.
So, you're a gardener?
I'm beginning to think no.
( gasps )
My God, I love that.
What's that called?
Oh, that's Winklebottom.
Kind of a rarity in these parts.
Came all the way from Germany.
Mmm, boy, that's exactly
what I need in my front yard.
Would you consider selling?
Come on, let's get this
in the ground
before Hank gets home.
Peggy Hill has found
her calling card.
( tires screeching )
( horn honks )
( scoffs ):
Idiot.
( shrieking )
So, what do you think?
I think... uh,
I think it's an elf.
Actually, the term
is "garden gnome."
His name is Winklebottom.
Don't you just love how
your eye goes right to him?
Yeah, I didn't even
notice the house.
I cannot tell you
what a relief this is.
I was getting
so frustrated
with everything
dying on me.
Uh, I don't know, Peggy.
Do you really think
this is, uh...
this-this thing
is for us?
It was just
like you said.
I saw it,
and I immediately knew.
Just like you said.
Uh... yeah.
Oh, we have
a garden gnome.
Oh, boy.
I shall call him Vandor.
You will call
him Winklebottom,
like everyone else.
Now let's go get
an old toothbrush.
I want to clean the spider
eggs from his ears.
So is that a
ceramic gnome,
or did Peggy
kill a real gnome
and take it to
a taxidermist?
Gosh, Hank,
what will people think
when they see
that thing out here?
( sighs )
God willing,
they'll think Peggy's a widow.
Hey, how do we know you
didn't buy the gnome yourself
and are just pretending
not to like the gnome
so that your friends
don't make fun of you?
BILL:
* Hank likes the gnome *
♪ Hank likes the gnome. ♪
I do not like the gnome, Bill.
♪ Hank-y and Gnome-y
sittin' in a tree... ♪
That's it.
I'm kicking your ass.
I'm sorry! I'm
sorry! I'm sorry!
Good morning, Hank.
Good morning,
Mailman Thompson.
( gasps )
Hank, were you
trying to keep
that mailman from
seeing our gnome?
No, no. Of course not.
Oh. You just
did it again.
Well, it's just that
people are starting to,
you know, say nasty things
about our house.
Like what?
What are they saying?
Well, like yesterday,
I heard the FedEx guy
call our house "the one
with the gnome out front."
Oh, I see what
this is all about.
For years, everyone
has always raved
about your grass
and your hinges,
and now you're afraid
you're being displaced.
My God.
What a beautiful
Winklebottom.
Yes, very good.
That is Winklebottom.
How did you know?
Are you kidding?
I'd recognize one anywhere.
That darling bulbous nose.
Those adorable
hairy knuckles...
This is a 1932 original,
handmade
by Klaus Zeigenlef, himself.
Really?
You hear that Hank?
I heard it.
I am just so envious,
but do you mind
if I offer up
a little tip?
Your Winklebottom is
facing southeast.
Technically,
he should face north.
Wonderful. Why?
Well, that's where they're more
apt to find tree moss,
which is how they make
their delicious gnome tea.
That is so charming.
No, it's not.
Oh, there's so much lore
for you to discover.
You're gonna lose
yourself for hours
in all the chat rooms
and message boards.
Hey, are you
into Babylon 5?
No. Should I be?
Oh. "Garden Gnome
Fact Number 28:
"At night, garden gnomes
are quite lively,
but they turn to stone
the second daylight hits them."
I love it.
Hey, maybe tonight
we should leave out
a snack plate for
old Winklebottom.
Perhaps a fruit pie?
No, Bobby.
Winklebottom would like
mushrooms and dandelions
and a thimbleful
of peppermint schnapps.
Look, Mom, they have
a whole section
called "gnomenclature."
Thank you,
President Winklebottom.
I would love to join you
for tea in the Rose Gar...
We got a shooter!
I'll take the bullet!
( grunting )
( gasps ):
Oh...
Dad, I need your help!
I broke Winklebottom.
Oh, boy.
It was an
accident, I swear.
Please, tell me
you can fix it.
All right, let's take a look.
Uh... I'm afraid
there's nothing I can do.
Sorry, Bobby.
But-but Mom loved that gnome.
She's going to kill me.
Bobby, calm down.
How do you expect
me to calm down?!
You can't fix it!
Yeah, but maybe
it's for the best.
Your mother had grown
way too attached to that gnome.
Better that something
happened to it now,
before she got
even more attached to it.
Don't worry, Bobby,
I'll take care of everything.
Oh, thanks, Dad.
Uh, don't sweat it.
That's what being a father
is all about.
Okay, we're going to dump him
in one of these cans,
and if he doesn't
fit, just whack him
a few times with this
fire extinguisher.
So, Mom's really going to think
someone stole it?
Uh-huh. There.
That one.
Uh, I don't know
about this house.
There's a lot of lights on.
All right.
That driveway's empty.
Someone could pull in
at any moment.
Fine, I'll
do it myself.
OLD WOMAN:
Is that you, Janet?
( gasps )
( tires squeal )
We did it, Dad.
We really did it.
Not yet, we didn't.
( crunching )
( crunching )
Bobby, we are never to
speak of this again.
( birds chirping )
( dog barking )
Good morning.
So how was miniature golf
last night?
Um, okay.
( clears throat )
We were there for 90 minutes.
Dad shot a three under par,
and I shot four over.
Later, we stopped for ice cream.
( thump )
Oh, there's my paper.
( Peggy screams )
Remember, son,
everything's
gonna be okay.
Winklebottom!
My Winklebottom!
This is
just awful.
Who would do such a thing?
Hooligans.
( crying )
Oh, it's just so senseless!
SALLY:
Oh, my God.
Peggy, Hank,
what happened to
our Winklebottom?
( crying ):
Oh, I don't know, Sally!
I don't know!
I'm calling
the police.
The cops?! Dad!
Now, hold on, there.
The police have more
important things to do than...
Hank, honey,
you're too frazzled
to think straight.
Aunt Sally's taking care
of things now.
So is Winklebottom
his first name
or his last name?
It's just Winklebottom, damn it!
We're wasting time here!
I'm just trying to
be thorough, ma'am.
Now did any of you
hear any strange
noises last night?
No, sir. I was here all night.
No, you weren't.
You were out playing
miniature golf last night.
He shot three under par.
I shot four over.
We stopped for ice cream!
Oh, right. That course
out there on Lexington.
That last hole's
a doozy, ain't it?
Yes.
Please, Officer,
tell me you'll
catch the bastards...
who did this.
Honestly, ma'am,
there's not much I can do.
Teenagers are always
stealing these things
and doing God knows
what to them.
If we ever do
find your Winklebottom,
there's a good chance
you're not gonna want him back.
( crying ):
No.
( tires screeching )
Hey!
Fancy riding, Tex!
♪ Green Acres is the place
to be ♪
♪ Farm livin' is the life
for me ♪
♪ Land spreadin'... ♪
( sighs )
Oh, heck.
( sighing )
Come on, Peggy.
It was just a
garden gnome.
Yeah, and propane is just
a stupid gas!
Uh, I'm sorry.
I have no reason
to lash out at you.
It's just
that you get praised
all the time about the house,
but I don't.
That's why Winklebottom
was a big deal for me.
Complete strangers
would walk by our house
and say to themselves,
"That's the lady
with the cool gnome."
Now I'm just the old hag
who picks up dog poop
with a hockey stick.
( sighs )
Bobby, I'm telling your mother
what happened.
You're what?!
I can't stand
to see her like this.
It's the only thing
that'll give her peace.
No way!
The whole time
you've been giving me grief
about cracking,
and now you're gonna crack?!
Uh-uh.
We had a deal, old man!
Hey, watch your mouth.
Sorry.
Look,
I'll take all the heat.
She won't know
you had anything
to do with this.
But she has to know.
Uh, Peggy,
I've got something difficult
to tell you.
Vandals didn't take your gnome.
It was me.
What?
Well, his ear broke off,
so I drove him
to the Heimlich County Forest
and buried him
in a shallow grave.
No. No, you're lying.
I'm not, Peggy.
It's the truth.
No. Even if you
hated Winklebottom,
there is no way
you would ever do
such a hurtful thing.
( gasps )
Oh, my God,
you're covering for someone.
Peggy, I'm-I'm not...
Bobby! It's Bobby!
Me?!
Of course.
You were playing one
of your weird little games,
and you broke it, didn't you?
Uh... uh... Dad?
No, no, really,
it was me.
I couldn't stand
the little freak,
so I rolled him in a towel
and smashed him to pieces
for good measure.
BOBBY:
You should've seen him, Mom.
He was nuts!
How dare you try
laying this on your father!
You're grounded
for a week, mister.
Dad!
Peggy, really, he didn't...
Don't make it any
worse for him, Hank.
Now you go
to your room!
Dinnertime.
One peanut butter
and jelly sandwich, no dessert.
( quietly ):
There's pudding in my sock.
( grumbles )
Everything'll be fine.
Your mother
will get over this.
No, she won't.
Dad, you've got
to get her a new one.
But... ( sighs )
that thing was pretty rare.
I wouldn't even know
where to get another one.
I do.
You know that German
tourist town on I-35?
The one with
the windmills
and the
gingerbread houses?
( groans )
New Hoffenschime.
If they don't have
a replacement
for Winklebottom,
then no one does.
PEGGY:
Lights out, Bobby.
( shouting ):
I said, lights out!
( whispering ):
I'll bring you back a T-shirt.
I need a gnome.
And not just any gnome.
I need a Winklebottom.
( laughing )
A Winklebottom!
Why don't you ask
me to move a rainbow?
Ugh. I can't tell
if you're being sarcastic,
or just weird.
If you're
lucky enough
to get a hold of
a Winklebottom,
you better hang
on for dear life.
Now, if you want
something spectacular,
how about one of these?
Just marked it down 80%.
Hey, what's that over there?
Oh, that's an
antique Figgleforth.
True, he looks very
similar to Winklebottom,
but let me warn you--
completely different
personality.
Wrap him up
and get me out of here.
WOMAN:
Ooh, a Figgleforth!
Excuse me, I
had him first.
Actually, you didn't.
Hey, hey, let's leave
the fighting
to the trolls, okay?
I really need
this particular gnome.
Who doesn't?!
I bet this joker
doesn't even know
where gnomes
come from.
Or how they
say good night
to each other.
Or what it means
when they shave
their mustache
and not
their beard.
All right, you got me.
I'm not a dork,
I sell propane.
Truth is, I hate gnomes.
I really,
really hate them.
But my wife loves 'em.
And as beautiful as my lawn
and my galvanized
steel rain gutters are,
they're no match
for my wife's happiness.
I'd do anything
to see her happy again.
Even if it means
putting this character
in my yard.
Okay, Blanche,
the gnome is yours.
Huh. Declined.
You're maxxed out.
Put it on layaway!
I'll pay cash.
Come back and see us again.
Uh, yeah, I don't think so.
I was talking
to Figgleforth.
BOBBY:
Yup.
That's true north.
Here, you can give
this to your mother.
It's the fully
executed copy
of the, uh,
adoption papers.
I know how hard
that must have been
for you, Dad.
You want to talk about it?
Just get your mother.
Mom!
Bobby, you are supposed to be...
( gasps )
Oh! It's beautiful.
His name is Figgleforth!
We found
him in New
Hoffenschime.
It was
Bobby's
idea.
Oh, Hank, I love it.
And it is so sweet of you
to give Bobby credit for this,
but I know it was all you.
What?!
No, Peggy,
he really...
Oh, don't worry, Hank.
I'm not mad at him anymore.
Kids will be kids.
Tell you what, Bobby.
Since your Dad's being
so generous towards you,
so can I.
I am suspending
your sentence.
Thanks.
Yup. Now he's out here
for the whole world to see.
You know,
now that I think about it,
I'm not sure if I even want
to keep him on the lawn.
You don't?
Well, you heard
that policeman.
People steal these things
all the time.
Maybe it's best
if we keep it inside.
Yes! Perfect!
Oh, that makes so much sense!
Inside.
BILL:
* Hank likes the gnome *