King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 9, Episode 3 - Death Buys a Timeshare - full transcript

( kids laughing )

( panting )

Hot enough for ya?

Shut up, Bill.

You've said that
three times.

( rifle shot )
( screams )

What the...?!
Dang ol' dang!

( cackling )

Damn, you should've seen
your faces.

Very witty, Colonel.

What brings you
to our humble alley



this afternoon?

Well, all the money
I inherited from Topsy's estate

got me to thinking.

Topsy's dead.

I outlived my last friend.

Dang, it makes a man
feel invincible.

Congratulations on once again
outrunning the reaper, sir.

It gets better than that.

Topsy left me $10,000
to take care of his funeral.

So after the cremation
and ash bag,

I'm still up $9,920.

Well, that's great.

You can finally get
your Cadillac car back

from Lane Pratley,



so you don't have to keep
taking the bus everywhere.

Heck, I bet you'll
have enough left over

to buy a certificate
of deposit.

Car payments? CDs?

That ain't good
enough for Topsy.

I'm gonna use the money to
do what he would've done--

hell raising
and girl chasing.

And I'm gonna need
someone to help me.

Uh... Fatty.

Sir!

Ain't you in the Army?

Sergeant Barber, sir!

Fatty, you're my new friend.

Congratulations.

Really? Me?

Thank you, sir!

What're we
gonna do first?

Should I change my shirt?

Take my shirt off?

Get a new shirt?!

So then Cotton says,

"I bet Fatty here
can eat 50 potatoes,"

and the bartender said,
"No way."

Which of course was a terrible
insult to the colonel's honor.

Long story short, I was
pronounced legally dead.

But it was
a heck of a weekend.

Yeah, it was...

What else you got to
get into around here?

Me and Topsy's money
are getting bored.

If you're looking for fun,

I've got a super long
extension cord.

We could see
what it would be like

to make toast in the alley.

Nope.

Only thing that makes sense
is to head for the place

where a man with American
dollars can live like a king,

suckling on God's great teat.

Mexico.

Margareetees
and senoreetees!

Amen, Fatty.

What? No, no way.

I got a brochure from
a timeshare in Mexico.

It looks beautiful.

You're going to buy
a timeshare?

In Mexico?

We don't have to buy.

We can stay for free
and all we have to do

is listen to a 20-minute
information session.

Perfect.

We can save our money for
hookers and bribing Federales.

Dad, we have good relations
with Mexico right now,

I'm not going to let you
jeopardize that.

Especially when you
should be doing

something useful
with that money.

Don't worry, Hank.
I'll be with him.

Bill, these timeshare people
will clean you out.

Now, I'll okay making toast
in the alley,

but you two
aren't going anywhere.

You can't control your wife

and she's only
half the man I am.

Fatty,
pack your most colorful pants.

We're going to Mexico.

Whee!

( groans ):
It's so hot.

This corn is
practically cooking.

Now, Bobby, the more you
complain about the heat

the hotter it feels.

( sighs ):
I'm worried about my dad.

I'm gonna have to go down
to that timeshare with him,

make sure he doesn't
do something crazy.

Plus I'll be
baby-sitting Bill.

His wages are still being
garnished by Columbia House.

A timeshare is
the last thing he needs.

You be careful, too, Hank.

You're going down there
with a liver, two kidneys

and no timeshare--

I expect you
to come back the same way.

Well, if an at-risk kid

can't get me to order
Sports Illustrated,

no one's gonna
sell me a timeshare.

Oh, God, why won't
the sun go down?!

Got berk, you drive slow, boy!

A Mexican speed limit is
still a speed limit, Dad.

Hey, Fatty,
I got a game that'll
help pass the time.

Who do you think
is uglier,

Hank's mother or Hank's wife?

Here it comes, Bobby...

( groans relief )

( groans relief )

( gasps )
Hi, Peggy.

You're sweating like a pig.

Dale, if you block
my sprinkle turn

I will take you down.

That's for amateurs.

I'm stalking the big gallonage.

COTTON:
Hank's wife or C. Everett Coop?

Take your time.

Wow. This is pretty nice.

Welcome,

welcome.

Or as we say
in El Grande Vista--

Bien-ven-i-do.

Look, uh, Rich,
I just want to be honest

so there are no hard feelings--

we're not interested in buying.

Especially Bill.

I appreciate that.

But it's my job to make sure

everyone hears
our dumb little spiel.

After that,

we can start your free
world-class vacation.

( sighs ):
Do they make swim
diapers in my size?

Because I don't ever
want to get out.

Look, Peggy, I can do
a one-handed hand stand.

See?
( car door closes )

This house is in truly
move-in condition.

They're gonna take
our pool away.

I can't go back to the lawn.

You, find us
another pool.

This is O'Kelly.

Our Founder.

Wow.

O'Kelly has
incredible gifts.

We're lucky he used them

to build the world's
finest timeshares.

It's strange.

I fear him, but I am not afraid.

All right, I got three up.
Wendy?

( sighs ):
I know, I've got
the bald, fat guy

who's going
to look down my shirt.

Mitch, you
take grandpa.

And then there's
Mr. Consumer Reports.

Leave it to me.

I just hope I'm good enough.

You seem like the kind of man

who'd really enjoy
O'Kelly's company.

He's an adventurer, explorer--

Yeah, yeah,

smells like strawberries,
pees ginger beer.

Don't care.

I know how you feel, Mr. Hill.
Afraid to take a chance.

If you're like me,
your wife would tan your hide

if you thought for yourself.

Yep, that's why
I'm not buying.

I'm a big 'fraidy cat.

I'm barely even a man.

My wife chases me around
with a rolling pin.

It's got nothing to do
with timeshares

being one of the worst
investments there is.

Bill, an attractive
man like yourself...

I'll buy!

Congratulations.
I think you'll find...

Oh, it seems this card
has been denied.

I-I got other cards.

Do you take Blockbuster?

Oh, wait!
I forgot about this baby--

it has no credit limit.

I hear you, Hank.

But let me ask you this...

how much do you spend
on an average vacation?

Bill, no!

I'm holding onto this

and I'm not letting you
out of my sight.

No one is buying a timeshare.

MAN:
Congratulations on your
new time share, Colonel.

I'm in!

O'Kelly sounds
like he's got

the smarts of Topsy,
the gumption of Brooklyn

and the moxie
of Fat Brooklyn.

He's like all
my old dead friends

rolled into one
big, live friend.

Yes.
To Brooklyn.

Absolutely.

Look, I don't
know anything

about this O'Kelly guy,

but you were in a sales-
pressure-induced daze

and they made
you sign something

you didn't understand.

We'll get
you out of this.

I don't want out.

Damn it, boy, quit acting

like a doorjamb
and get onboard.

Maybe you should think
about it, Colonel Hill.

Our policy here is, if you
decide you don't want

to live life to the fullest,
you got 12 hours to back out.

In the meantime,
why don't you enjoy

a bite at one of our
world-class restaurants?

Here are some
owners' coupons

for 10% off.

You see that, boy?

What do you get with
your precious AAA card?

They don't even
take those here.

Isn't it beautiful?

( barking )

( shrieking )

Last time I was here,
they were puppies.

Now, which one
of you is Scamp?

That hair dryer, mine.

Copy of Leisure
Properties Monthly-- mine.

Looky here, they got the water

that don't give you
the hot poops. Swanky.

Look, I admit,
it's a great room,

but I saw an ad
that anyone

can rent the same O'Kelly
suite for $35 a night.

You're paying
three times that.

Come here, Hank.

Do you know what's out there?

O'Kelly's private yacht,
manned 24 hours a day

by the creme de la crème
of the Mexican navy.

Got a private chef used
to work for Cantinflas.

HANK:
I don't see anything.

That's 'cause you're looking
with renter's eyes.

I think I see it.

You get in good with O'Kelly,
you get on that yacht.

That's the kind
of lifestyle

you buy into here
at El Grande Vista.

But you're not
really buying.

It says in their
own brochure--

Americans cannot
own land in Mexico.

If I don't
own anything,

why am I paying
all these maintenance fees

and property taxes?

Good point.

You've still got ten
hours to get out, Dad.

I ain't getting out
of anything.

I like it here.

Fatty, let's go
to the owners' pool.

Just pour it
in the snorkel.

Pour it...

Colonel, you're
a world traveler,

so I'm sure
you appreciate

the international details
O'Kelly insists on--

Italianate marble,
Mexican cacti.

We're proud of saying "It's the
casa with class-a."

Yeah, becoming an owner

was the best thing I did
with the money I inherited.

I should have brought
Topsy's ashes down here

and spread them over a señorita.

( laughing )

All right, all right.

Rich, you're
all right, all right,

but you know
what I don't get?

Hank was saying
if you buy

a timeshare in Mexico,
you can't even own it

'cause you're a foreigner.

How can you buy
something that you can't own?

Why, that's true.

My son is a jackass
and a killjoy,

but that is a puzzler.

Bill, why don't
you get us

some chips and salsa?

Can do.

So level with me, Rich.

Is it true?

'Cause I only got six
hours to make up my mind.

Colonel, I wasn't supposed
to tell you this

because you're
not an owner yet,

but you've already
been handpicked by O'Kelly

to join his
El Presidente Circle.

It's an elite
group of owners.

Very exclusive.

You'd have a condo
on El Presidente Island.

Use of O'Kelly's helicopter,
humidor privileges,

Oh...

You'll
receive your own

El Presidente
Medal of Achievement.

It all happens aboard
O'Kelly's yacht

tomorrow night--
assuming you decide to stay.

Handpicked, eh?

Yeah, I could
chew that over.

Uh... Your friend.

I don't know how to put this.

O'Kelly's yacht may be big,

but there's not always
room on it for everyone

Fatty!

Sir, yes, sir!

I'm done with you.
Get packin'.

Yeah, but...
Sir,

please swim to
the shallow end.

Dad! Dad!

Sir, please stop that.

( people laughing, cheering )

( playing Caribbean music )

( playing mariachi music )

( sobbing )

Bill?

Your dad doesn't
need me anymore.

He dumped me for O'Kelly.

Bill, I've only got
a couple of hours

to get my dad
out of this deal,

and I can't do it alone.

I need you.

( playing festive music )

RICH:
Colonel, your cabeza
es muy grande.

Hurry up, Bill.

They're measuring
my dad for a sombrero.

I'm almost through,
I'm almost through.

I'm... Ow!

There's the fence.

Dang it, we'll never
get to him in time.

He's gonna lose every penny.

Maybe we should
just give up

and let him
enjoy himself.

I mean, a month ago he
didn't even have that money.

No, this is important.

I can't let him
get ripped off.

Beautiful, Colonel.

Very authentic.

I came down here
to protect my dad

and damn it, that's
what I'm going to do.

We've gotta get to Rich.

BILL:
Just look out for those
guys in the feathers.

They worked me
over pretty good

after they kicked
me out of the pool.

Leave this to me.

I'll distract them.

( grunting )
( body thuds )

It's vacation as investment...

I am going to go and eat
some of O'Kelly's penguins!

( sighs )

Americans
cannot own land in Mexico!

Americans cannot
own land in Mexico.

I'm sorry.
He's not a member.

Okay, you little weasel,

I'm not letting you steal
any more of my dad's money.

Steal? Hank,
your dad is an adult.

He has a right
to spend his own money

and this is how
he wants to spend it.

And I should tell you,
with your father

a member of El Presidente,
I think O'Kelly

would look very favorably
on your application.

But he doesn't even
have anything.

He lives in an apartment and
only gets $300 a month pension.

He can't even afford
real Cheerios.

He eats something
called Oat Loops.

It's made right around here.

What? But then...

how can we raise
his monthly ownership dues?

And if he's not
a homeowner, then...

what are we going
to foreclose on?

Fine. You want your dad
out of this? He's out.

( screams )
( body thuds )

Dad? You there?

I've got something
to talk about with you.

Which cufflinks do you think
O'Kelly would like more?

The ones that look like bosoms?

Or the ones that
look like guns?

Why're you all dressed up?

You only become El
Presidente once, boy.

I want to look sharp
tomorrow night

when I board
O'Kelly's yacht

and the great man
himself hands me

my El Presidente Medal
of Achievement.

Uh...

that's why
I came by. I, uh...

I gotta admit, Hank.

Since all my
buddies kicked off,

things just
ain't felt right,

but now I gots me

some place where I belong.

Uh, yeah. We need
to talk about that.

Nothing to
talk about.

I was born. I lived.

Then I got to be
El Presidente

and that made it all worthwhile.

( sighs ):
I tried to help my dad
and I've made everything worse.

Meeting O'Kelly has become
his whole reason for living.

I got hit
in the head, Hank.

I can't hear too well.

Is this butter
or water?

May I have your coupons, please?

Uh, we don't have
any coupons.

Then... what are you doing here?

Tapado, no van a creer
lo que he visto!

He's going
to be devastated

when he can't get on
that damn yacht.

I'm not gonna let this happen.

I'm going to the one place

that can get something done
about it.

Mr. Hill, I've had
a lot of complaints
about timeshares,

but they're pretty tough
contracts to get out of.

No, I already got him out
of his contract.

The problem is my dad wants

to be an El Presidente-
level member.

Oh. And they won't let him in
because he's...

Why won't they let him in?

Because you can't be
an El Presidente member

unless you buy a timeshare.

So you want me

to get your father into
El Presidente for free?

Yeah, that would be great.

I got it!

Why don't we slap an embargo

on all of Mexico

till Rich lets him in?

You know, starve 'em out.

I'm kidding, Mr. Hill.

PEGGY:
Well, hello there.

We are your new
next door neighbors.

You're gonna love us!

What happened
to the Petersons?

Unclear.

So, what do you say,
how about a swim, neighbor?

Neighbor?

Neighbor?!

Neighbor!

( guests chattering )

What do you mean,
I ain't on the list?

I'm sorry, Colonel.

This is very awkward.

Awkward? Awkward is me
slicing your belly open!

Now, let me on that yacht!

But I was handpicked
by O'Kelly.

Oh.

You just can't beat
these guys, Hank.

Yeah, well, I gotta
find some way

to get inside there.

( sighs )

I'm off to urinate
on the statue of O'Kelly!

( wild yell )

( whimpering )

Don't touch...!

( muffled yelling )

Look, Rich,

I know I asked you
to let my dad

out of that timeshare,

but I didn't realize
how much El Presidente

meant to him.

Can you just let him
back in

so he can get on
that boat tonight?

I'd love to, Hank,
but I don't know.

There's a lot of
paperwork to do,

not to mention some
pretty steep express-
processing fees.

But maybe there is way
we could overlook all that.

Yeah?

If Cotton recommended

someone who bought,

say, a week at
El Grande Vista,

maybe O'Kelly
would reconsider him.

Oh, God. Oh, no.

Hank, how much
do you spend

on a typical vacation?

( sighs deeply )

JIMMY:
I can't thank you enough,
Mr. Hill.

I was about
to lose my job.

And my wife...

Save it, Jim.
He's in the bag.

Great. Sign here,
here, and here.

( Spanish pop playing )

Yep.

Yep.

( men laughing )

Hey, Dad.
So, how was El Presidente?

Did you get to meet O'Kelly?

I wish I could tell you, boy,
but code of the El Presidente.

What happens on that yacht
stays on that yacht.

Hey, Rich told me

you were gonna buy
a week here at the Vista!

Hell, that's great news!

That's right, Dad.

Well, I'll leave
you two owners.

Please accept these coupons
for soup and half a sandwich.

Look how beautiful it is, boy.

I told you I knew
how to spend that money.

Hell, Topsy couldn't have spent
it better himself.

You're right
about that, Dad.

This was a great investment,
I tell you what.

BILL:
But, Hank, I thought you said

Americans can't own land
in Mexico... ( pained grunt )

HANK:
A great investment.

Just pour it in the snorkel.
Pour it...