King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 9, Episode 2 - Ms. Wakefield - full transcript

Now I'm not going
to mention any names,

but due to last year's
unfortunate kissing incident,

mistletoe is banned from
this year's Christmas party.

Peppermint Schnapps
makes me sloppy.

Enough with your party, Hank.

Help me figure out what
to get Nancy for Christmas.

I'll never top that oil painting
I commissioned last year--

"Nude Dale In Repose."

Tasteful,
yet you can see everything.

MAN:
Here we are, lady.

123 Rainey Street.



( grunting )

Well, thank you, young man.

This is it.

That's her,
all right.

HANK:
Uh, excuse me,
ma'am.

My name is Hank Hill
and I own this house.

Is there something
I can help you with?

I'm Ruby Wakefield
and I use to live here

many years ago
with my twin sister.

My word,

look how big that
tree has grown.

I planted that thing
when it was a sapling.

I give that tree a deep
root feeding twice a year.

Hank,
I got your antlers!



Well, that's
my family.

We're going to go
harvest a Christmas tree.

They look lovely.

I appreciate your taking such
good care of this house.

It means a lot to me.

Hey, Ms. Wakefield,

if you're in town tomorrow,

why don't you
come back for dinner?

I'll give you the indoor tour.

The kitchen sink now has
a garbage disposal.

I'd like that,
Mr. Hill.

So, she's a twin?

I still cannot
believe you invited

that old woman over
for dinner, Hank.

That's like putting
out a saucer of milk

for a stray cat.

One lap, you'll never
get rid of her.

All she wants to do is take
a walk down memory lane.

Besides, most seniors
are lactose intolerant.

( grunting )

Keep going, Bobby,
you're almost there.

I like old people as
much as anybody should,

but you've got
to be careful.

Good work,
Bobby.

( disposal grinding loudly )

Listen to that baby hum.

I remember dropping

a friendship ring
down this drain.

Practically broke off
my finger nail
getting it back.

I know how that
feels, Ms. Wakefield.

One time

the front door bent
my pinkie toe backwards.

The nail grew back really gross.

Leave your
shoe on, Bobby.

Believe it or not,

but that is a memory that
you'll cherish someday, Bobby.

So save up as
many as you can

because when you're
old like me,

you'll have riches

beyond all the gold
in the world.

( groans ):
Oh, darn.

I cannot believe
we're out of coffee.

Oh, well, it's getting close
to bed time anyway, huh?

( yawns )

Oh, you have such
wonderful memories.

Now I can't wait
to get old and wrinkly,

and grow a little hump
on my back.

You're so sweet, dear.

Mrs. Hill, it amazes me
how much you

remind me
of my sister--

so smart and pretty.

Well, thank you.

Oh, lookie here--
a new can of coffee.

I'll just brew some up.

Oh, coffee
sounds nice, dear.

I got it!

What if I seal myself in a crate

and have me delivered
on Christmas day to Nancy.

Wait, do they have mail
on Christmas?

It wouldn't be very merry

if I died in some
distribution center.

Why don't you just take Nancy

to a countryside
bed and breakfast

for a lovely nice
romantic weekend?

Nah, I'm not the kind of person
who pays someone 100 bucks

to sleep in their dirty sheets.

I'm the kind of person who
charges other people

to sleep in my dirty sheets.

That's it!

I'll turn our house
into a bed and breakfast.

All you need
is some potpourri

and a few boxes of waffles
and you're in business!

Mmm.

Don't you nay-say me, Boomhauer.

Once I find the right hook,

this is going to be the gift
that keeps on giving.

Say nay now naysayer.

Mm.

What a handsome

family you are.

How very observant of you.

This is my room.

It's chock full
of memories for me.

Like the time I dressed
our dog, Ladybird,

in my underwear
and pretended

that we were
Calvin Klein models.

This is also where I read
my Bible every night before bed.

Yes, this room certainly brings
back many memories.

This is where my sister died.

Ew!
Gross.
Good Lord.

Your sister died
in my room?

Well, actually, she just had
a massive heart attack in here.

Somehow she managed to crawl
down the hallway

to about right
over there...

I don't know how she
dragged herself

with her arthritic
fingers.

She couldn't even open
a jar of apple butter.

Oh, you have
to forgive me,

but I think I need to sit
for a moment and rest.

She's been asleep
for over an hour.

I guess I'd better
wake her up

and send her
on her way.

Ms. Wakefield...
Ms. Wakefield.

Ms. Wake...
Hey!

What's going on?

Oh, I'm still here.

Yeah, you dozed off for a bit,
and it's getting kinda late.

I'm sure you're ready
to head on home.

Yes, I am. I am ready.

Ms. Wakefield,
are you okay?

Huh?

Oh, oh, uh...

( sighs )

The happiest times of my life
were spent here in this house.

That's why there is no place
else in the world

that I would rather end my days.

End your days?

Yes. I want to die here.

I promise not to be
a nuisance.

Ms. Wakefield,
you can't die in my house.

You're really not being
a good guest...

ma'am.

I called you a taxi.

It's the least we can do,

but all we're going to do.

But it's important to me to die
where I was happiest.

Don't you want me to be happy?

Not that way!

Okay, I guess it's your house.

I'll just get my shawl.

Oh, great, she went
behind the tree.

We don't decorate back there.

Ms. Wakefield, please...

I promise not
to drag this out.

I bet it won't take me

more than two days.

At most, three.

You keep her busy.

I'll sneak up from behind
and poke her with this driver.

You got me that
driver I wanted?

She's headed
for the bathroom.

Dang it.

BOBBY:
Hey, I'm in here!

Ms. Wakefield,
you need to leave.

Hank, the taxi's here!

I cannot believe
it's this hard

to think of a bed and breakfast
theme.

How about an Evening
at the Improv!

Great idea!

I know... crap idea.

Dang it, Boomhauer,
aren't you ever wrong?

MS. WAKEFIELD:
Please, don't

make me leave!

I promise I won't be

any trouble!

Stop pinching me, Ms. Wakefield.

Ah, finally.
Hank come to his senses and...

Wait a minute,
that not Peggy.

Why you picking on
that old lady, Sug?

I'm not picking on her.

She wants to die in my house.

Please, show
some compassion!

I, uh... She...

( sighs and groans )

We ate, we laughed,
we had some coffee...

then she told us she wanted
to die in my house

and ruined the whole
got-dang evening.

So, basically,
this woman told you

that she wanted to die in your
house, no strings attached?

Yep.

I've got it--

the theme is a haunted
bed and breakfast!

Hauntings are all the rage now.

Haunted hotel rooms,
haunted cruises.

If I can get that crone
to agree to die in my house

and haunt the place,
we'd be booked year round.

What do you say
now, Boomhauer?

What in the heck
are you talking about, Dale?

Nancy's Christmas present.

Please, Hank, let Ms. Wakefield
die in my house.

Please, please, please...

Has everyone gone crazy?

It's Christmas for God's sake.

No one is dying in my house
or your house, Dale.

I'll probably die
in my house.

Wedged behind
the bathroom door.

Inaccessible to the paramedics.

Well, what can you do.

I can't believe
that I'm feeling guilty

about denying
Ms. Wakefield's...

request.

Well, what does
she expect us to do?

Bobby, I don't know
how a giraffe

got in the nativity scene,
but I like it.

Let's go find a zebra.

( doorbell ringing )

Ms. Wakefield, what
are you doing here?

I just wanted to apologize

for causing such a scene
the other night.

I hope you're not angry with me.

Merry Christmas, Mr. Hill.

Oh, well, Merry Christmas
to you, too, Ms. Wakefield.

I drank a lot
of iced tea earlier.

Could I use your bathroom?

Oh, sure thing. It's right
down the hall on the...

Wait a minute.

I know what you're
trying to do.

You don't need to use
the bathroom.

You just want to die in
there, don't you?

I promise I won't take long.

If I hold my breath

for ten seconds I bet I'll slip
away just like that.

I have a proposition for you.

And a plate of pitted prunes.

Why die here,

you ask?

Well, you'd be getting in
on the ground floor

of a wonderful
investment opportunity,

and all you really have to do is
make two appearances a day

from the afterlife,
via this old antique mirror.

It's not hard work,
but I do expect quality.

Are there any questions?

Can I go now?

What, so you can go die
over at Hank's house?

I could get you a dead little
lapdog to keep you company.

That shuffle alone
would pack the place.

I still don't see why I can't
come to the mall with you guys.

Because we're
shopping for you.

And you peek.

Your mother's right.

Besides somebody should
stay here.

You know, in case an old lady
tries to...

Bobby, just keep
the doors locked.

Dooley's going to pants Santa?

Dang, I can't go.

Make sure the elves take
plenty of pictures.

( gasps )

Let me in, Bobby.

I have a peppermint.

( screams )

It's reasonable not
to want someone

to die in
your house, right?

Mm-hmm.

We cannot open that door.

I mean, if Bill gets wind...

Hank, I understand an elder
wishes to use your home

as an entrance
to the spirit world.

My people teach that a person
must be happy at death

or they are destined

to walk
throughout eternity

on their hands so their frown
appears to be a smile.

Food for thought.

( phone ringing )

Hank Hill.

BOBBY:
She's on the roof!

Ms. Wakefield shoved her arm
through the mail slot

and tried to unlock the door.

She's been scratching
at all the windows.

Ms. Wakefield, show yourself!

Ms. Wakefield!

Dang it, Ms. Wakefield,
I have had it with you.

You've got my boy hiding
under the tree.

You got all my friends
mad at me.

I'm sorry, you've left
me no choice.

Thank you for being so prompt,
officers.

There's the trespasser
I called about.

OFFICER:
Her?

You want us to arrest
that poor old woman?

Hank had to call
Johnny Law

on big, bad, old lady
with walker.

I don't want them
to arrest her,

I just want them
to take her away

so I can get on
with Christmas and whatnot.

Well, maybe you could compromise
with her.

Compromise?!

How do I do that?

Let her die on my sidewalk?

I'm just saying.

You're not saying anything!

Still.

If she were trying to break
into your homes and die,

you'd do the same thing,
I tell you what.

( meekly ):
What have I done wrong?

Absolutely nothing.

Peggy's making
her special Christmas fudge

for the party tomorrow.

Yep, it sure is going
to be a good time.

Yeah, until you call
the cops on us.

That poor old woman.

She committed the crime of
loving Hank's house too much.

Are we not all guilty?

Hank, I do not want you
to blame yourself,

but Ms. Wakefield died
at a bus station

the very night
you had her arrested

and dragged away.

What?!

Good Lord,

she was a retired
Sunday school teacher.

Now, Hank,
I don't want you

to dwell
on the awful things

you said to her
out of anger.

( disposal grinding )

( sighs )

BOBBY:
I can't believe
she's really gone.

It just seems
like yesterday

she was trying
to get her walker
through the doggie door.

I wish she were here

so I could give her little hump
a big hug.

Are we still going
to have our party
tonight?

It just doesn't
feel right.

Oh, don't be silly, Bobby.

Ms. Wakefield
would have wanted
it that way.

She probably loved parties.

Now come on, let's get back
in the Christmas spirit.

Why don't we pick
up a little green vest

for Ladybird to wear
at the party?

That'll cheer everyone up.

I hope this fits.

Pet Town doesn't have
a very generous
return policy.

I still don't understand
why a vest is cool

yet a Santa hat
would be demeaning.

If I have
to explain it...

( gasping )

Ms. Wakefield.

So, Ms. Wakefield
isn't dead?

Oh, my God,
she's somewhere in the house.

Oh, Lord, I hope she isn't dead.

Run!

No, we've got
to find her!

Bobby, you and Luanne
check the den.

Peggy, you check the garage,

and I'll check the back
of the house.

If any of you find
her, holler out.

( panting )

( barking )

Oh, God!

Oh, Ladybird!

Dumb dog, dumb!

You almost got your bell rung.

Wait a minute...

There you go, girl. Come on.

Get Ms. Wakefield's scent
and track down that old coot.

Good girl!

Come on, for Mama!

No, no, Ladybird.

No. No fetch.

Find old lady.

Sniff and fi... Oh!

Dumb dog.

Ms. Wakefield,
if you're under here,

please don't grab me
by the throat

and drag me
into the gates of hell.

( girlish scream )

( gasps )

Don't tell Dad.

Ms. Wakefield, are you in here?

I know we haven't been
on the same page

about your dying and all,

but I hope we can work out
our differences.

( crackling )

( sniffing )

Peppermint.

Oh, Ms. Wakefield, why?

( gasps )

Give me peace!

Why can't you just let me be?

Ms. Wakefield,
we thought you
were dead.

We read your obituary.

I was desperate,
so I submitted a
fake obituary

to get your guard down.

You lied!

( doorbell rings )

Good Lord,
the party.

Peggy, Bobby,
Luanne,

you take care
of the guests

while I escort
Ms. Wakefield out
the back door.

I'll join you
in a minute.

Our Christmas
has been disrupted

by you for the last time,
Ms. Wakefield.

Well, if you would just let me
concentrate,

I'd be out of your hair forever.

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way... ♪

♪ Frosty the snowman ♪

♪ Was a jolly... ♪

Merry Christmas,
John Redcorn.

I made you some
special reindeer-
shaped cookies

with toothpicks
sticking in them
like little arrows.

Quite honestly, Peggy,

I was going to boycott
your party

to protest Hank's harsh
treatment towards our elders,

but I found out that Bill
is my secret Santa,

and he always gives
cool gifts.

Yeah, Bill
really go all out.

( Wakefield grunting )

Put me down!

My God, Hank is wrestling
with Ms. Wakefield's ghost!

What a waste.

She's not dead.

She's very much alive.

She falsified her obituary
and broke in here.

Please just continue
with the party.

I'll call her a taxi
and join you in a minute.

But I don't want to go.

Let her be, Hank.

Dang ol'
Christmas, man.

KAHN:
Oh, Hank. Where is
holiday spirit?

All right, fine.

If that's how
everyone feels.

Ms. Wakefield,
if you want to
die in my house,

then go ahead.

Really?

Merry Christmas.

Why... why thank you.

Wait, you're not just teasing me
are you?

No, ma'am.

♪ He led them down
the streets of town ♪

Come on, everybody,
it's a party.

Let's have some fun.

( laughs, mumbles )

♪ Heard him holler ♪

♪ Oh, Frosty the snowman ♪

♪ Had to hurry on his way ♪

♪ But he waved... ♪
( groans )

Uh, Mr. Hill?

You know, maybe it is
a little inappropriate
right now.

I mean, it is
a Christmas party.

Yeah, I see what you mean.

Maybe I could die another time.

When you're not entertaining.

Sure.

But you know,
Ms. Wakefield,

you don't have
to come back to die.

You could come back
just to visit.

Maybe join us
for a cookout

or sit under the tree
you planted.

That would be nice.

Well, I've been enough
of a bother.

I'll get out of your hair.

Don't rush off.

Why don't you stay
for secret Santa?

I always get
an extra gift

in case my boss
stops by.

( "Jingle Bell Rock" plays )

Okay, here's one
for Bill.

Could this be that
ear-and-nose trimmer
he's been needing?

I hope it's hungry.

All right, here's one
for Peggy.

♪ Now the jingle hop
has begun ♪

♪ Jingle bell, jingle bell,
jingle bell hop ♪

BILL: Peppermint schnapps
makes me sloppy.