King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 9, Episode 1 - A Rover Runs Through It - full transcript

PEGGY:
She said, "No, Mrs. Hill,

this is
advanced placement Latin."

And I said, "Well then,

what's Latin for
'my bad?'"

( phone ringing )

Mom,

you kill me!

Hello.

Yes... Right...

Okay, fine, then.

Thank you.



Telemarketer?

No. It was my mother.

Your mother?

Wow, what's it been,
20 years?

Mm-hmm.

Well, what did she say?

She wants us to come
to the ranch this weekend.

In Montana?

Mm-hmm.
Really?

Do you think
you could knock it off

with all the personal questions,
Hank?

All you ever do is grill me
about my emotional life,

pushing and prodding me

to talk about
my feelings.



It's like living with
Barbara freakin' Walters!

The nerve!

She spends my whole childhood
criticizing me,

and my whole adulthood
ignoring me.

Now she wants me to visit?

What for?

Well, I know
it's unpleasant,

but have you considered
that she might be, uh,

you know... dying?

No chance.

Dying is not her style.

That would be a sign
of weakness.

You know, I think this

not-having-contact-with-
your-mother thing

might have a downside.

Don't be ridiculous.
It's been great.

I think you've allowed your
imagination to run wild.

In your head,
your mom's become

some kind of crazy evil spirit

with the power
of eternal life.

But really, she's just an old,
tired, cattle-rancher woman

who misses her daughter,

and wants
to make peace.

That's why she
called you tonight.

Yep. That old cow's just
looking for her calf.

My God, Hank.

Of course.

You really are an emotional
genius, aren't you?

You really are

my Barbara Walters.

I've been waiting 20 years
for this trip.

Montana--

it even sounds rugged.

I almost threw up once
in Montana.

I made it to Idaho.

Making it out of the car

would have been
the real accomplishment.

So I've already decided--

this is where Bobby will spend
his summers.

Every fall, he'll come back
taller, and hardier

and maybe, maybe
just a little bit quieter.

( sighs )

Well, I better go pack.

Whoa, Boomhauer,
you're taking this well.

Ah, purple mountain's majesty.

Is there anything fun
to do around here?

Bobby, there's
nowhere more fun
in all of America.

They've got horses and tractors,

and people who know how
to grow their own food

and fix their own roofs.

You want fun?

You're standing
in a five-ring circus

of simplicity
and self-reliance.

Uh-oh.

Uh, that's your
rental there

in space 62.

( Hank chuckles )

No, no, that's one
of those Rovers.

I'm supposed
to have a pickup.

We're all out.

But this is a nicer vehicle,

and you'll get the same price
as the pickup.

Uh-huh, but I'm not
interested in hav...

It's the only car
we have right now.

Uh...

( car alarm chirps )

( birds chirping )

This is the most
beautiful

got-dang sight

I have ever seen.

Oh, my God.
There's Mom.

You know, I wasn't completely
sure until now,

but you were right, Hank.

I mean, look at her.

Look at the way
she moves.

That is a different woman than
the one I grew up with.

Yes. There's
a tenderness now.

I can see it.

Hank, thank you for
making me do this.

Oh, Mom!

What?

So, Mom, at the risk
of boasting,

I've become quite
a little success.

I won the Substitute Teacher
of the Year Award,

three years in row.

Well, how about that.

What was your subject,

"How To Avoid A Life of
Working With Your Hands"?

No, it was Spanish.

Uh-huh. What do you
think about it, Doc?

You ever have a use
for a substitute teacher?

Well...

I suppose I can't
tell you much

that them mountains can't
tell you better.

( whispers ):
What's Grandpa talking about?

It didn't make any sense.

That's the talk
of an old cowboy, son.

And you'll see someday,

it's the only kind of talk
that does make sense.

( grunts )

She's just as cold and mean
and critical as she ever was.

Ugh, this is so hard.

Hank, you can never let me
become my mother.

Bobby, from this day forward,

will coddle you.

All right!

( crowing )

Morning, fellas.

Thought I'd give you guys
a hand today.

If you like.

Are you sure
you wouldn't rather

just polish your Rover
or something?

Oh, believe me,
I didn't want it.

I asked for a pickup,

but that was
all they had.

Whatever you say,
Hollywood.

So, uh, what
are we doing first?

He's got the lump jaw.

Gotta drain the abscess.

We're gonna need
another bucket.

( retching )

Mom, I know that
you and I

have some real talking
to do...

See that cow over there?

She's calving.

It's coming out backwards!

Tie her head to the wall,
keep her still.

I'm on it.

And hold my wedding ring.

All right, I got the chains on.

Get back here
and help me pull.

One, two, three... go!

( grunting )

He's out!

PEGGY:
Oh, will you
look at that.

It's been a long time since
I've seen that sight.

I see it hundreds
of times a year,

and it never
stops amazing me.

Can you believe it's
been 20 years,

and I still calved a breech
without missing a beat?

That's cause you did
what I told you.

If you'd been out on
the range by yourself,

that calf would
still be in there.

You ruined my childhood!

Oh, it's all about you,
isn't it?!

Why didn't you ever do one damn
thing I asked you to?

Why didn't you marry that boy
from across the road?!

Sven Grammersdorf?

The alfalfa farmer's son?

He was a decent man
from good stock.

Well, I did not have
feelings for him, Mom!

No one asked you to.

We were trying to run a ranch,
not a "feelings" factory.

If you'd married Sven,
we'd be doing all right.

But you ran away.

And now we're all
paying for it.

What are you talking about?

I invited you here

so you could take a last look
at your childhood home.

We're losing the ranch!

Wha... You're losing
the ranch?

Well, I... I don't
know what to say.

How about "sorry."

It's all your fault.

You and people
like Henry Winkler.

Henry Winkler?

Howdy.

The Fonz?

So, how's it going
with your mom?

We're losing the ranch.

What?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, and that's Henry Winkler.

Howdy.

What the hell
is going on around here?

See that trail leading up
into the mountains?

That's where we send
the cows every April.

For spring
grazing, right?

Yep. See, it's
not legally our property.

The Grammersdorfs
kindly shared it

with us for 50 years,

but their boy, Sven,
moved to Seattle,

so they sold the place
to Henry Winkler,

and he won't let us
use the trail.

Cows were supposed
to head up there this week.

Thanks to old man Winkler,
they've got nowhere to go.

Well, why would
a guy like him

even be living
out here?

All you Hollywood folks
are moving here.

You burn out on city life,

you come out here,
see all this wide-open space,

and you start making
fancy pizzas.

Fellows, look you have
every right to be mad,

but for the record,
I'm not from Hollywood.

I'm from Arlen, Texas.

Arlen. New York.
Hollywood.

( sighs )

Well, why don't you just rent
the trail from Henry Winkler?

We're broke.

You Hollywood folks made
property taxes skyrocket.

You got any more questions,
Stevie Spielberg?

Dang it,
I am not Steven Spielberg.

Well, I respectfully disagree.

And then he told me
that you can't even

buy groceries
in town anymore.

It's all been taken over
by gourmet restaurants

and... day spas.

Yeah, well, that's
progress, I guess.

What do you mean?

Aren't you
upset by this?

I cannot wait
to wave a last good-bye

to this place.

What about this saddle?

Are you telling me this doesn't
bring back any good memories?

Of course.
It reminds me of Missoula,

my old gelding horse.

Mom made me
castrate him myself.

BOBBY:
Man, this place is boring.

Nothing happens here.

I'm gonna try to sleep
for two days straight.

I hope this battery
lasts the weekend.

Oh, hello.

You want some candy, huh?

Well, I don't blame you--

I've had hay.

Doc, I heard
about what's happening,

and it breaks my heart.

Well...

I never could figure

what the sky was thinking,

but the soil, she don't
keep too many secrets.

I will never
forget you, Doc Platter.

( sighs ):
Dang it!

I'm not gonna
let this happen.

Well, hi, there.

I don't know you, but I'd
absolutely love that to change.

I'm Henry.

Hank Hill.

I'm just up the
road, and I, uh,

thought I'd come by
for a friendly visit.

Hank, I love that.

That is so... "the West."

I wish the whole world would
stop by for a friendly visit.

Oh, God.

So, uh, Henry,
the reason I'm here...

Shh!

Don't you love
how peaceful it is here?

You know, back in L.A.,

my brain just gets...
it gets muddy.

The agents
and the lawyers

and the paparazzi--
they walk into my skull,

and they... they get
dirt in there,

you know what I mean?

Well, I'm not
sure if I...

That's why I fish.

Well, hey, I fish, too!

Then you
understand.

You know, I always
say that fishing

is like a washing machine
for your brain.

It's so deliciously Zen.

Uh, I think I might do a
different kind of fishing.

Oh, you know what?

Hold on for a second.

I can explain this
so much better.

( jazz playing )

Thelonius Monk.

He must've fished.

I mean, look at that
bluff right there.

Perfect for squares.

Squares?

The Hollywood Squares.

I'm the executive producer.

Can you imagine Kathie Lee,
Joan and Melissa and Dom

in the giant squares,

gazing out at all
this majesty?

And all this majesty
is gazing right back at them.

Well, that's actually

the sort of land-use issue
that I'd like to discuss.

See, the reason I'm...

Hank, you and I,
we're artists.

It's our job
to bring humanity

and nature
closer together.

Look, I'm not an artist
and I'm not from Hollywood.

I'm from Arlen, Texas.

Oh, my God, I adore Austin.

Arlen!

Dad, have you
seen Bobby?

Well, the way I figure it,

the grass on a prairie...

Oh, there he is.

Hey, Mom.

This is Tennessee.

Yeah, that's nice. Look, Bobby,

we've got to pack up
and get out of here.

Oh. Okay.

Well, I guess I'll
be seeing you.

Did you clean
his hooves?

That's one
of the most important parts

of grooming a horse.

Oh.

Next time, I guess.

Are you sure
he won't mind?

Honey, he weighs
a thousand pounds.

To him, you're like a hat.

Don't slouch.

Straighten up
your back.

That's right.

Now go ahead, give him

a little squeeze
with your heels.

Hey. We're going.

Tennessee, you're a genius.

...So if you'd be
willing to open

that trail for just
a few days a year,

it would make all
the difference.

Hank, have you ever seen the
movie A River Runs Through It?

Can you imagine if cows just
tromped across that river,

getting all tangled up
in the fly-fishing lines?

Now that would
be an awful movie.

Uh-huh. Well, the
river's over there

and the cattle trail
is way over there.

So it seems
like you could

let the cattle through

without much
of a problem.

Excuse me. It would be
a serious problem.

Cows have very dirty feet.

They walk through poo,

and they could track
giardia microbes

onto the land,
which could wash into the river

and contaminate the fish.

If there's no fish, Hank,

then what am I
washing my brain with?

Look, cows and fish have
gotten along fine for centuries.

Hank, sure I could
open the cattle road,

and tomorrow
there would be steak,

but someday our children will
ask us, "Where are the trees?"

What they'll ask is,
"Where's the got dang steak?!"

Enjoy your celebrity

cocktail hour,
Mr. Hollywood?

Dang it! I am
sick and tired

of everyone's asinine
ideas about me.

I am not some redneck

and I'm not
a Hollywood jerk!

I'm something
else entirely.

I'm... I'm complicated.

( laughing )

( disgusted sigh )

Mom! I did it!

Ho-yeah!

Peggy, let's
go home.

I've had it with
Henry Winkler,

and I've had it
with your family

and this got dang ranch.

Hank, are you insane?

Look at that.

Dang that
Henry Winkler.

This should've been the
best moment of my life,

and I can't
even enjoy it.

Look how happy he is.

Ah. It reminds me
of myself at his age.

But I thought you said
you were never happy here.

I just let my
awful memories of Mom

cloud my good memories
of growing up here.

Well, that's nice.

Anyway, if we hurry,
we can get the 5:45

flight to Dallas.

We can't leave now.

Maybe I didn't marry
Sven Grammersdorf,

but I can still save this ranch.

( sighs )

Sven Grammersdorf?

What about our neighbors
to the east?

Don't they have
an old cattle trail?

You mean the Fondas?

Hey, there's that old
white-haired fella

just up to the north.

Looked like he'd spent
some years working outdoors.

Has he got a trail?

Larry David?
Good luck.

Got dang it!

Forget it, Peggy.

This place ain't about
agriculture anymore.

The Hollywood folks
changed the landscape

and they've changed
the laws.

"Ordinance of 1857...

if an act of God
or other adverse..."

Typical.

You're on vacation
for two days,

and you can't stay away
from your books.

Uh, Peggy, are you sure
this isn't, uh,

you know, a pretty darned
bad idea?

Don't you worry.

I know what I'm doing
and it is going to work.

You both remember
the plan.

Bobby, you stay by me.

Hank, bring up the rear.

( clicking lips )

Let's ride!

( bell jingles )

( cows mooing )

Look, Mommy.

Moo cow!

( tires screeching )

Ma'am, what are you doing
with a herd of cattle

on a public thoroughfare?

We're heading to the mountains.

We're taking the long route

because our cattle trail
has been blocked

by Henry Winkler.

( horn honking )

Oh, come on!

I've got people
coming for brunch!

( shouting )

( screaming )

( screaming )

( mooing )

Ma'am, I'm sorry you're having
a dispute with your neighbors,

but you can't take it out
on the town.

These folks are just trying
to enjoy their vacation.

Well, then, here's some
vacation reading for them.

Article 32C
from the Osage County Charter.

"Should a dedicated
cattle road become impassable,

"Main Street can serve
as a temporary pass

until such time as said road
reopens."

This law was made more than
100 years ago.

It doesn't have any meaning now.

Well, it means plenty to us,
sir.

So we'll be driving cattle
right through here,

50 head at a time,

until we've got all
2,000 head up in the mountains.

Unless Mr. Winkler would like
to yield his road.

( mooing )

Stampede!!

Yee-haw!

Yeah, dogies!

( screaming )

Hank, you crazy cowboy!

What the hell
are you guys doing?

Well, right about now,
I'm trying not to die.

Lift up off
the saddle.

You won't bounce
as much!

Can you believe
I got Henry Winkler

to open up this trail?

So what do you think,
Mom?

Peggy Hill:

Educator, Mother, Rancher.

You were just fixing
the mess you made
in the first place.

And half them cattle
in the drive

wasn't branded yet.

We could've lost 'em
to rustlers.

Peggy, check this out.

Hey, where are you
going?

To finish the work
around here.

I will castrate,
vaccinate, dehorn and brand

every steer in the herd,

by myself!

Peggy, that's crazy.

I don't care!

I'm not stopping until
my mother sees that I'm...

Well, I just thought
that if I saved the ranch,

it would finally make Mom
proud of me.

But it didn't!

I'm sorry, Peggy.

If saving the ranch
didn't change anything
between you two,

nothing's gonna.

Well, then what did
we come here for?!

What was the point
of this whole

stupid, stupid, stupid,
stupid trip?!

( horse whinnies )

( whinnies )

Hello there.

Mr. Winkler here would
like you to know

that it was always
his intention

to let the Platters'
cattle use his trail.

Because cattle,
like jazz music,

feed the soul of America.

And that, uh, if all
the leaders of the world

would just fish together,

the planet would live
in harmony.

Thank you, Hank.

HANK:
Sven Grammersdorf?