King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 8, Episode 22 - Talking Shop - full transcript

Ripped By mstoll

Joseph, meeting girls
is about to get a whole lot easier.

They've all got to go to
the bathroom sometime,

and now they'll have
to go right by us.

Tell me honestly,
is this hat cool?

My dad says it's cool.

Is it cool?

So, what brings
you ladies here today, hmm?

We're not coming out
until you leave!

As most of you know,

next quarter will be
the first time



you get to take electives.

Electives are classes
that you elect to take

and you are not forced to take.

I elect to take...

Nothing!

Man, Alejandro is so smooth.

Hey, this might be
just what we need.

Think about it.

Why do guys like us
keep striking out

with the ladies?

Because I'm weird,

and you're chubby
and kind of dumb?

Don't be ridiculous.

It's because we've had
the same girls



in the same classes
since the first grade.

Every girl here has heard
all my jokes

and remembers
you pooting during

the racial tolerance assembly.

What we need to do is find
a class with a lot of girls.

Girls that don't
know us very well.

Yeah. We could pretend
we're from the future...

: And we need
to experiment on them.

Wait, this is why girls
don't like me, right?

Hey, Dad,

what elective should I take,

Peer Counseling
or Hawaiian dance?

Oh, who am I kidding?

I humbly offer taro
to your village.

Peggy, the boy.

Bobby, honey, not now!

What are we talking about?

Okay, I'll take
peer counseling.

"The peer counseling program

is a way for teens
to help teens or..."

heh, "tweens in the complicated
world they find themselves,

through one-on-one dialogs
and active listening."

Oh, God.

It's all about
when kids have problems,

they talk them out
with other kids.

Bobby, no good
ever came from kids

talking to other kids
about their problems.

Sweet, Lord, they've
got auto shop,

in middle school!

Done deal.

But I want to meet girls.

I don't think there
are girls in auto shop.

You've got to think
long term, Bobby.

Auto shop is where
boys become the men

that girls will want
when they become women.

It worked for me.

The proof is in the pudding,

and I am that pudding.

So Bobby is taking auto shop.

That is so great! Wingo!
Good for you, man.

Yep, I'll buy him
an old junker car,

then we can
restore it together.

We'll stay up late
fixing her up,

just me and my boy.

Then one day
when we're all finished,

Bobby'll get in that car
and he'll drive away,

and then I can die a happy man.

Yep.

Mm, yep.

Mm-hmm.

That's actually
kind of sad, Hank.

Auto shop! Auto shop!

Are you sure this
is a good idea?

No, but my dad says
it's one of those things

that'll make sense later.

I'm getting tired
of those things.

Ribs!

Hey, Bobby!

What class is this?

Chick class?

It's Peer Counseling.

I read a story on the Internet

that started just like this.

It ended nicely.

Give me a minute.

Give me a minute.

My dad might be wrong
on this one.

Isn't your dad gonna be mad?

Oh, it's football season.

I'm way off his radar.

Hi. I'm April,
class advisor.

It's going to be great
to have some boys on staff.

In case any guys ever decide

to admit they have feelings.

I'm having all kinds
of feelings right now.

Leave. Now.
The both of you.

I am shocked at your behavior!

Can't you see
we are here to heal?

Uh, uh, oh, man, gir... uh...

Dang.

It's false advertising.

This car was supposed
to be a junker,

but it's in moderate
to good condition.

The problem is,
all our used cars

now decorate Hard Rock Cafes.

Oh, you boys must be here

about my car.

Oh, uh,

I'm looking for something that needs
a little more work.

Sorry to, uh,
make you... stand.

Oh, God, she's
still coming at us.

Run!

Okay, who could tell me
some major issues

affecting kids your age?

Depression!

Drugs and alcohol!

They took away
our vending machines!

That was off the hook, you guys!

Off the hook!

Now, the most important rule
to remember is

that you can't give any advice
to your patients, okay?

Great. So if we're
all clear on that,

let's try
an active listening exercise.

Hi. My name is
Mary Seventh Grader,

and I feel bad
about the body images

presented by television
and magazines.

Amazing!

This face says I care.

I'm listening.

I can help you
without giving any advice.

Now, here are your clients.

Jenny Medina is on this list!

I've always wanted
to go out with her.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Bobby.

Jenny Medina
is off-limits.

So are all the other
student-slash-clients.

Yeah, right.

April, Connie here
is under the impression

that we're not allowed
to date our clients.

Is that true?

It's absolutely true.

But what if a client
really, really likes you

and you really,
really like her,

and you both agree
to be cool about it?

These girls are vulnerable,

and you're in a
position of power.

You don't want to take
advantage of that.

Do you?

Well...

What about the other counselors?

Can I date them?

No clients, no counselors.

Are we clear on that,
everybody?

Nobody can date
anybody they meet here.

Okay, now, group hug.

Oh, Bobby,

maybe you should hug yourself.

So, you can't date
any of them?

No.

Maybe I could still get
into Hawaiian dance.

Apparently their culture
appreciates people my size.

It's closed out.

You're gonna end up
in metal shop with me.

Like this!

It sucks.

It's all full of dudes
and sharp things.

I guess I'll just
have to help people.

Bobby, Jenny Medina is here.

I'll send her back.

Oh, my God, Jenny Medina!

Aren't you supposed
to say something or something?

I think you're supposed to
say something or something.

Okay, so I got invited to Debbie
Reid's slumber party, right?

I mean, like, so what?
I fell asleep first, and then

I woke up with my hand
in a bowl of hot water.

Do you think
I should tell people

that her father's an alcoholic?

Oh, I'm sorry,
I can only, um, listen,

and not tell you what to do.

I think I'm gonna tell people
her father's an alcoholic.

Wow, I feel kind of better.

Can I make
another appointment?

Really? With me?

Yeah.

Bobby Medina.

Aren't you the kid they had to cut out
of the soccer net?

Uh...

I have to debate
capital punishment next period,

but I totally don't care...
should I ditch?

I can't tell you what to do.

Only you can tell you
what to do.

If I knew what to do,
I wouldn't be here!

Now, tell me what to do!

Uh, ditch!

If you say so.

Hey, Bobby!

You were so right.

I was?

I ditched... and it
felt so good to ditch,

I ditched the whole day.

Hey, I might ditch tomorrow.

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight!

Bobby, do something!

Dooley, I don't think you want
to beat up Randy.

I think you just want
someone to notice your new shoes.

They are pretty nice.

They're new.

Don't you want
to let him go? 're new.

Bobby, you saved Randy's life.

I did.

These hands.

This brain.

I have the gift.

Dang ol' axle's busted.

Ol' engine's cracked too, man.

That ol' head gasket blown,

and dang ol' just
a piece of junk, man.

It doesn't even have wheels.

Is this even a vehicle?

We've found Bobby's car.

You should've seen
me with Dooley,

taking charge,
setting him straight.

You know, when I was just
doing the listening thing,

I was pretty good,
but now that I'm giving advice,

I'm changing lives.

Bobby, you're not supposed
to give advice.

Connie, you must be so tired

of having to follow
the rules all the time.

But I know why you do it.

You want your father to love you like
the son he really wanted.

But you can only
be who you are.

Yeah, I know.

I can't turn this off!

Well, I can't wait to see

the look on Bobby's face

when he sees this baby.

Nobody touches it.

Can I just replace
the sump gasket?

It's right there,

and I'm right here.
No.

Man, just let me
dang ol' tighten

that dang 'ol needle
bearing right there.

No.
Damn it, Hank.

Can we at least
pick the flowers

in the manifold?
No.

This is Bobby's car and he's
gonna be the one to fix it.

Here's the thing:

Problems don't take
the weekend off

and neither should I.

So, if you wanted to
talk on Saturday night,

say, at the movies, I'd be
happy to clear my schedule.

Do you mean like a date?

Well, sometimes putting a
label on things is helpful.

So, if you're more comfortable
with terms like "dating"

and "boyfriend"
or"making out,"

well, you're the patient.

Bobby, I've got a problem.

You know, I was just
thinking about the brain.

Fascinating organ.

It's your biggest organ.

Did you know that?

Um, I think it's your skin.

Well, maybe that's
one of your problems.

You don't give your brain
the respect it deserves.

Wow. That's deep.

It really is.

Okay, so the problem
is my boyfriend.

Boyfriend issues. Juicy.

You need to dump his ass!

But I didn't even tell you
about my problems yet.

He doesn't call enough.

He won't read your notes.

It all comes down to "he doesn't
think you're all that."

And you are, Stacey.

Thanks, Bobby.

So you really think
I'm really "all that"?

Yeah, sure, why not?

Now, back to my brain.

Hey, Dad, I...

What the heck is that?

I didn't know if you were
a Ford man or a Chevy man.

It was the happiest problem
I've ever faced.

You bought me a car?
Yep.

Now, let's put that auto-shop
training to work!

What tool can I get for you?

A... hammer.

A hammer?

Boy, have you been sleeping
through auto shop

or are you being funny?

Uh, you know, Dad, I think your
obsession with auto shop

stems from your unresolved
feelings about your father.

And, perhaps, we should explore
some of those feelings.

Bobby, you know how I
"explore" my feelings?

I fix my truck
or your mother's car.

When Mr. Dauterive's wife
left him,

we tuned up his Escort.

And when that little fella
from the Fantasy Island died,

we put the ant on top
of Dale's van.

Well, that's one path.

But if I took Peer Counseling,
I could...

Trust me, Bobby,
when you're stuck

on the side of the road
with your girlfriend,

and you can do more than ask
your carburetor how it feels,

you'll be glad
you took auto shop.

Okay.

...and that is why I like air.

Okay, who's next?

Stacey Gibson.

I know all of you were expecting

to hear my report
on the Desert Peccary,

but I've decided to do my report
on another pig, Tony Hesperia,

also known as
Bastardis Boyfriendus.

She's my client.

That's right, Tony.

This relationship is extinct!

But I'll be fine,

because I've made
a new discovery...

Good "I" statements.

...Bobby Hill,
an Awsomeus Guyis.

His characteristics are caring
and compassion.

He's so sweet and loving,

and he's always there for me
when I need him.

You're there for people.

Bobby, talking with you
has been the best thing

in my whole entire life.

This is for you.

♪ If you wanna be with me ♪

♪ Baby, you don't need to pay ♪

♪ I'm your Stacey in a bottle ♪

♪ You gotta rub me
the right way! ♪

Let's not make a scene.

B-o-b-b-y!
I ain't got no alibi!

I love you!

Hi, Bobby!

I was thinking
about you at lunch,

so I went home and I
burned you some mix CDs.

I didn't know
if you had a player,

so I bought you a Discman.

Do you want to pick out
our song?

It wouldn't be right
for me to accept the CDs.

But maybe I can meet you
halfway and keep the Discman.

Thanks.

Hey, you know what I realized?

We have, like,
no pictures together.

You want to go to Sears,
geta bunch taken?

Uh...
Stacey, here is the thing.

As a counselor,
my ethics mean everything to me.

And since I'm already
dating one of my clients...

But... I broke up with Tony
to date you.

I can't believe
you did this to me!

I hear and respect your anger.

This isn't over, Bobby!

Bobby, you've got
a drop-in patient.

Hey.

Sometimes I have these
really weird urges

to, like, burn stuff down.

Now is not the time.

I think Stacey Gibson
is stalking me.

No way.
You've got a stalker?

This is serious.

You could probably
make out with her.

Um, Stacey Gibson
is here to see you.

Run.

She's gonna
take me down with you.

April, you gotta help me.

I'm having problems
with one of my patients.

It's an eating
disorder, right?

Which way is it
going, in or out?

No, it's just that
this one girl, Stacey,

has gotten way
too attached to me.

I've got a big date with
Jenny Medina Saturday night.

I don't need this
hanging over my head.

Wait, Jenny's a client.

You're dating
one of your clients?

I told you not to do that!

Yeah, well, that cow's
out of the barn, April.

You've got to help me.

Listen, I already dinged
Principal Moss's car,

I don't need this.

You're on your own.

Bobby.

Oh, hey, Jenny.
I'm looking forward to...

Bobby, people are saying that
you drove Stacey Gibson crazy.

And I'm not looking for that
right now.

Is everything okay, Bobby?

You haven't even
touched your butter.

What was that?

Great dinner, Mom.

Wow! What is this?

Pepper? Delicious.

Is that Dale throwing
eggs at our house again?

No, it's a girl.

That's one of my patients.

Patients?
I didn't take Auto Shop, Dad.

I took Peer Counseling instead.

Oh, the hammer.

Of course, I was so stupid.

I'm sorry, Dad.

I was counseling
this girl Stacey

and I told her to dump
her boyfriend because he was...

Well, I don't know
what he was, but now

she's stalking me.

Bobby, meet me in the garage.

Excuse me, young lady?

Hey. Nice shot.

I'll do it again.

Looks like you've got
a few more eggs there.

Why don't you go
ahead and throw 'em,

then when you're done,
come on into the garage.

Stacey, here's a socket wrench.

I'm going to ask you
to refrain

from hitting Bobby with it.

Take off that distributor cap.

And, Bobby, find something metal
and tighten it.

Just tell me, Bobby.

Why do you like Jenny Medina
better than me?

Well, I guess Jenny
validated me in certain...

Bobby, I want you
to tighten that bolt.

You're gonna need that wrench
Stacey's holding.

Uh, Stacey, can I
borrow that wrench?

I guess so.

I'm sorry if I led you on,

but I don't feel that way
about you.

You're turning that
the wrong way, Bobby.

You know, I think
I'm going to try

to get back
together with Tony.

That's probably a good idea.

I was wondering, though,

what was it about me that
you found so irresistible?

I think it was the power.

The power? That's it?

I don't know what else
it could have been.

Thanks, Mr. Hill.

If you have any problems

patching things up
with your boyfriend,

we're rebuilding
the starter tomorrow.

Now I've got nothing.

I'm kicked out
of Peer Counseling.

No girls. Nothing.

You know what you've got?

A car.

As soon as we fix
this baby up,

you'll be fighting 'em off
with a stick.

Look, I took this off.

Was it supposed to come off?

No, son.

But no girls have
to know that, right?

It'll stay in the garage.

Ripped By mstoll

Now back to my brain.