King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 9, Episode 15 - It Ain't Over 'Til the Fat Neighbor Sings - full transcript
Bill believes he has found acceptance when he joins a glee club.
[ Buzzing ]
There you go, Captain,
just the way you like it.
Oh, you're done?
Yeah, I cut it quick
because I really know
your head.
And I don't know
what you'd do
if I was ever
out on maneuvers
or became a POW.
I guess I'd go to him.
Or him or him.
We're getting worried
over nothing.
How'd you like
to see the back?
Yep.
Yup.
Mm-hmm.
( mournful sigh )
If I never went
back to work,
I don't think
anyone would notice.
Sure they would, Bill,
when there's suddenly
enough food to go around.
The point I'm trying to make
is, you're fat.
I don't know, with
all the reservists,
there's a lot
of fat guys.
But guys who are as bald
as you are, too?
Hey, I heard a funny joke
the other day.
Uh, it was, uh,
uh, wait, that was
more of an interesting
grill order, I guess.
( weak chuckle )
Yeah, yeah,
that's pretty good, Hank.
Well, we've seen him
like this before,
and it ended
with me spending Christmas
pulling his head
out of the oven.
We're gonna help him,
and we're gonna start
by putting an end
to all the insults.
But Hank, he's a...
No, Dale.
He knows he's bald,
he knows he's got a gut,
and he knows his wife
ran around on him.
He doesn't need you
reminding him.
( stifled whimper )
Uh, kinda... thought
you'd gone home there, Bill.
( whimpers softly )
Mom, do you know
what the heck this is?
I found it in the closet,
and I was gonna give it
to Joseph to burn.
My Pong!
Your what?
Pong. It's only
the single greatest
video game ever invented.
So, what am I
up against here--
Zombies? Serial killers?
Drug dealers?
Nope. Two lines and a dot.
( monotonous beep )
( beep )
That's it?
That's the whole game?
It's even more boring
than real tennis.
That's because you don't know
how to put English on it!
( high, low and medium tones)
"English," you say.
Bill, I'm taking you
to the one place in town
that can fix whatever
you got going on.
You know, the despair
and whatnot.
I'm so glad
you'll be helping out
with Seniors Bingo Night.
Your main job
is to wake them after the game,
and tell them
where they are.
( both giggling )
Oh, it's been so long
since I met someone
who shared my interest
in helping people.
Mm-hmm. I know
how you feel.
( men singing )
With those strong legs,
you should be able to carry
a lot of bibles, eh?
( giggling )
And maybe after,
I could get you
to hang some decorations.
I shouldn't be
climbing ladders.
( girlish giggling ):
Oops.
( singing continues )
♪ And the moment
I can feel that ♪
♪ You feel that way too ♪
♪ Is when I fall
in love with ♪
♪ You. ♪
( laughing and cheering )
( gasping ):
Who are they?
Oh, that's
the Harmonaholics.
Normally they practice
in the VA,
but it flooded.
ALL:
Harmonaholics
together forever!
( humming )
You know, Bill,
I'm not a priest.
The church
permits me to explore...
( horn honking )
I am William Fontaine
De La Tour Dauterive,
and I demand
that you let me join you!
And why should we do that,
William?
I need something like this
in my life!
But why do we need you
in our life?
Please! You guys are the most
beautiful thing I've ever seen.
And?
And ever since
the first moment
I saw you inside,
I knew I had to be
a part of you. Please!
Very well.
I suppose you've earned,
uh, an audition! Lights!!
( yelps )
Let's see if you've got
what it takes to be one of us.
Sing him in, boys.
♪ Dee-dee-dee-dee,
dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee ♪
♪ I'm singin' in the rain ♪
♪ Just singin' in the rain ♪
♪ What a glorious feeling ♪
♪ I'm happy again... ♪
Smiles!
KRIS:
Hands! Hands!
♪ ...With a happy refrain... ♪
Balls of the feet! Diaphragm!!
♪ ...Just singin' in the rain. ♪
Enough!
So, I got something
that's gonna cheer
Bill up.
Cowboys vs. Miami.
Monday night.
( dorky novelty horn
playing a scale )
I did it!
I'm in! I'm a Harmonaholic!
♪ For he's
a jolly good fellow ♪
♪ For he's
a jolly good fellow ♪
♪ For he's a jolly
good fellow ♪
♪ That nobody can deny! ♪
♪ For he's
a jolly good fellow ♪
♪ For he's a jolly
good fellow ♪
♪ For he's
a jolly good fellow... ♪
What the hell
was that?
I joined a men's chorus!
( stifled chortling )
It's called the Harmonaholics!
More like assoholi...
Dale!
I told you
to lay off Bill.
So, uh...
a men's chorus. Huh.
It's great.
Singing for Kris--
well, there's no way
to describe it.
Oh, and the love the guys have
for each other.
( pained stifling )
Easy, Dale.
And look
at these nifty uniforms.
This shirt is pretty sharp, huh?
Hank, for God's sake!
It cost me a pretty penny,
but as Kris says,
"You got to spend
money to make...
m-m-m-magic!"
( screaming )
Well, I'm off to
practice my moves.
Oh, man. Dang ol'... huh.
Well, I know
we were hoping
he'd chose something
a little less... god-awful,
but it seems to be keeping him
out of the morgue.
All right, let's go
everybody-- warm-ups.
( singing intervals ):
* La-la-la-la-la-la-la... *
Let's see those hands, Larry!
Turn and step!
Keep those finger-guns
in the holsters!
Emotion, Otto, emotion!
Too much emotion!
Let's bring
it in, people!
Does everyone know
the most important
word in this chorus?
Pitch?
Rhythm?
Fun?
Sacrifice!
We all have a lot of competing
pressures in our lives.
People are gonna tell you
there's more important things
than the chorus.
( guys scoffing )
You laugh, but
I've heard it all.
"I can't do the chorus;
my son has a football game."
"I can't do the chorus;
I have to go to work."
"I can't do the chorus;
we have couples therapy."
What do we think
of that, Joe?
We need to be strong!
So, what are we gonna do?!
( in unison ):
Tuuuuuune them out!
All right, then.
Okay, let's all
welcome our newbie,
William.
So, William,
are you wearing?
What?
Everyone in the chorus
wears the same custom underwear.
It gives us a tremendous
feeling of community.
I'm so sorry.
Please, please
don't kick me out!
It's okay, Bill, you're new.
You see, in olden times,
brothers swore their
loyalty to each other
and took an oath with
their very blood.
We wear silk underpants.
Those underpants
symbolize our commitment.
Like Otto here.
He flies in from Amsterdam
almost every week.
But we all have stories.
What kind
of underpants
do you want to put
on tomorrow morning?
Silk!
( phone ringing )
Military Grooming and Hygiene.
Captain Hart speaking.
BILL:
Good morning, Captain Hart.
I regret to inform you
that I am too sick
to perform
my barbering duties today.
I will need to use
one of my sick days.
( phony coughing )
( vocalizing )
( vocalizing continues
in the background )
( phony coughing )
( vocalizing continues
in the background )
( slow, steady beeping
of Pong game )
You are going down,
little man!
You got no game, Mom!
No game!
Yeah? Here I come!
How you like me now?!
You're not ready?
Bill's show's
in an hour.
We're not going, Hank.
I'm trying to teach Bobby
an important lesson...
in humility.
Shee-yah!
( slow, steady beeping
continues )
Well, it's probably a bad idea,
but I'm gonna keep an open mind.
Hey, Nancy has
that same blouse.
Three adults.
You guys are big fans
of the 'Holics, huh?
Uh... uh, I guess.
I love 'em too.
What's your favorite song?
Uh...
So, uh, so that was
three adults.
I know what you're thinking--
if this guy
loves them so much,
why doesn't he
get off his butt
and tour with them?
Well, Kris
had other plans for me.
Let's face it-- if I'm sewing
the names on the underwear,
that's more time for them
to be focusing on the music.
And I also get to run their
fan club out of my house--
the Harmonaholicholics.
Here's all the info.
What's up, Otto?
You wearin'?
You know it.
You wearing?
Wearin' like a baron.
Dauterive!
You wearin'?
Yeah.
Wearin' like a...
flare gun?
Nice!
♪ If I should call you up,
invest a dime ♪
♪ And you say you belong
to me and ease my mind ♪
♪ Imagine how the world
would be, so very fine ♪
♪ So happy together ♪
( holding notes )
♪ I can't see me
loving nobody but you ♪
♪ For all my life... ♪
♪ Shoo-bop-shoo-bop-shoo-bop ♪
♪ Bop-shoo-bop-
shoo-bop-shoo-bop ♪
♪ Bop-shoo-bop-shoo-bop-
shoo-bop ♪
♪ Bop-shoo-bop-
shoo-bop-bop-bop-bop ♪
♪ Bop-shoo-bop-shoo-
bop-shoo-bop, hey! ♪
( making motorcycle noise )
Oh, thank God that's over.
KRIS:
You asked for it,
you got it!
One more song!
Yep.
Yup.
♪Yep-yep-yep-yep-
yep-yep-yep. ♪
Oh.
Mm-hmm.
So, what'd you guys think
of the show?
Normally, I'd tell you
to go to my Blog,
but even that's being
censored by Hank.
Maybe you should ask him.
Well, it was, uh...
you know,
it had its, uh,
features and, uh...
So you're really getting
something out of this, huh?
Oh, yeah,
I'm so lucky.
Sometimes
I can't believe
that they let a guy like
me stay in the chorus.
That's why I have to sacrifice
more than anyone
to let them know
I deserve to be a 'Holic.
What do you mean "sacrifice"?
Well, I spend most of my
paycheck on gloves and top hats.
Both my toes have hammered
because of all the dancing,
plus I used up all my sick time.
The Army thinks I've got
hepatitis-- the bad one.
Wait, you're lying
to the U.S. Army?
I have to do
what I have to do, Hank.
The chorus demands sacrifice.
Well, sacrifice
is a great thing,
for your country or family,
but you can't give your
life away to these guys.
Brian did.
Bill, you're...
No, Dale.
Bill,
I think you've...
( humming )
Dang it, Bill, you're
gonna listen to me.
I'm not gonna let you
throw everything away
just so you can sing
with a bunch of...
a bunch of...
a bunch of guys.
"Guys?!"
You gotta let me
in on this, Hank!
No, Dale!
But, Hank, this is my chance
to be part of something special.
You have a job.
I'm not saying you shouldn't
sing, if you feel you have to.
You should just keep
it in perspective.
Mm, perspective.
I got you, Hank.
Dauterive,
General Murray is coming in
for a haircut at 1900 hours.
But I got plans tonight.
You're not
going anywhere.
You've got no vacation days,
you've got no sick days
and Dawson is on maneuvers.
At 1900 hours,
you better be here
with a scissors in
one hand and a comb
in the other
or you're AWOL,
you got that,
Sergeant?
Done.
♪ In a restless world
like this is ♪
♪ Love has ended
before it's begun ♪
♪ And too many
moonlight kisses ♪
♪ Seem to cool
in the warmth of the sun... ♪
Huh, so, uh,
I noticed a lot of those
chorus guys had wives.
Yup.
Mm, mm-hmm.
Excuse me, gentlemen,
I'm Captain Hart.
I'm looking
for Sergeant Dauterive.
Hank Hill, Assistant Manager,
Strickland Propane.
Don't worry,
I talked to Bill, sir.
- He should be at his post.
- Well he's not.
If Dauterive isn't at his chair
by 1900 hours, he is AWOL.
He's one missed haircut away
from a court-martial
and a dishonorable discharge.
Aah, Got-dang Harmonaholics.
Okay, we've got
to find Bill.
Yeah, man like
a dang ol' needle
in a haystack, man, how
you gonna do that, man?
( smooth jazz plays )
Remember us from
the concert?
Somehow I made my way
onto your mailing list.
We need to know where
the chorus went to and pronto.
You mean the PBS telethon
in Dallas?
It's gonna rock!
Come on, guys.
You heard him.
Let's find that station.
Hey, man, what you talkin'
bout, dang ol' Cowboys
versus Dolphins, man,
Monday Night, man.
Lord forgive me for
saying this, but...
there will be other games.
Wait!
I can't send
a Harmonaholicholic away
without at least
a cup of tea.
Come on in, you guys.
You can sit on the couch
Kris slept on
when he missed his plane.
( sighs ):
Look.
You seem like a nice guy,
so I'll tell you this
for your own good.
Judging by the two times
I've met you,
your life has been
a waste so far.
Forget these
chorus guys
and find a nice girl
or at least something
productive to do,
like a stamp collection.
Your local postmaster
can help you.
Here's his number.
( vocalizing scales )
I have this important
haircut with the General.
Do you think anyone would
notice if I leave early?
Uh... leave early?
( singing stops )
Did I just hear what
I think I heard?
Probably.
You're never wrong.
This is a chor-us, William.
Not a chor-me.
If you leave,
Otto's gonna turn and sing
"I want to know what love is"
to nobody!
He'll look like a fool!
( high and low tones)
Don't you have
homework to do?
Don't you have
housework?
I gotta take
a bathroom break.
Fine. Go ahead.
But...
That's Pong, kiddo.
( lips musically pulsating )
( phones ringing )
We can only
bring you this kind of quality
commercial-free programming
through the generosity
of viewers like you,
and McDonald's,
home of the McGriddle.
McDonald's-- I'm lovin' it.
Got-dang it! Where is he?
♪ Mah-may-mee-mow-moo ♪
♪ Mah-may-mee-mow-moo ♪
This way!
♪ Mah-may-mee-mow-moo. ♪
I want you all
to hear something.
Last week's ten is this week's
seven, do you understand?
Hands in,
Harmonaholics on three.
One, two...
No!
Okay, we made it.
Come on, Bill,
let's get you back to the base
before you ruin your life.
But I've got the music
in me, Hank.
Okay, let's all
tune this out.
No. Tune me in.
Bill, you're committing a crime.
And you're abetting a crime.
A crime would be
to deny the world this.
But Bill, you're gonna be AWOL!
You're gonna
get court-martialed!
Okay, you guys are up.
Come on, Bill.
William.
Dang it, Bill,
why won't you just
listen to reason?
Okay, Dale--
help him.
Wait, is this a trick?
Nope, let 'er rip.
Just keep it clean.
Bill!
Bill, you have to be
the stupidest man
on the planet to think
this is a good idea!
Have you seen what
you're wearing?
That outfit makes you look
like a sequined train wreck!
Look at you!
You're part of
a 12-headed jackass!
This chorus
is the feces
that is produced when shame
eats too much stupidity!
You people make me envy
the deaf and the blind!
Underwear!
Money!
Fat!
( panting )
But, I belong to something
great here.
I even got a nickname--
William.
( wheezing )
Hank.
Bill, you already
have a nickname--
Army Sergeant-Not-
In-Jail-Dauterive.
Remember you asked
if anyone would notice
if you didn't go to work?
Well, the Army sure noticed.
If you don't get back to cut
the general's hair, you're AWOL.
The Army is going to lock
you up for 30 years.
You know how much that's
going to cost them?
Hundreds of thousands
of dollars.
I'd say that's taking notice.
But the Harmonaholics
are my friends.
Are they really?
All they've asked from you
is to give, give, give.
Well, friendship
is a two-way street.
Heck, you know
we gave up
Monday Night Football
tickets to come get you?
That's a friend.
Not these guys.
You're right, Hank.
I gotta get
back to the general.
Let's move.
William?
William!
You. How'd you like
to be a star?
Where's Sergeant Dauterive?
( panting ):
General.
Would you like to...
to have... a seat?
You know, you're
the only Army barber
I let touch my hair.
Thank you, sir.
I always say the 110th
has the best barber.
We fight hard and we
look good doing it.
( slow, steady beeping )
Well, we missed the Cowboys,
but we bailed Bill out.
Oh, sorry, I guess you're
in the middle of your game.
( monotonous beeping )
( high and low tones )
( lips musically pulsating )
There you go, Captain,
just the way you like it.
Oh, you're done?
Yeah, I cut it quick
because I really know
your head.
And I don't know
what you'd do
if I was ever
out on maneuvers
or became a POW.
I guess I'd go to him.
Or him or him.
We're getting worried
over nothing.
How'd you like
to see the back?
Yep.
Yup.
Mm-hmm.
( mournful sigh )
If I never went
back to work,
I don't think
anyone would notice.
Sure they would, Bill,
when there's suddenly
enough food to go around.
The point I'm trying to make
is, you're fat.
I don't know, with
all the reservists,
there's a lot
of fat guys.
But guys who are as bald
as you are, too?
Hey, I heard a funny joke
the other day.
Uh, it was, uh,
uh, wait, that was
more of an interesting
grill order, I guess.
( weak chuckle )
Yeah, yeah,
that's pretty good, Hank.
Well, we've seen him
like this before,
and it ended
with me spending Christmas
pulling his head
out of the oven.
We're gonna help him,
and we're gonna start
by putting an end
to all the insults.
But Hank, he's a...
No, Dale.
He knows he's bald,
he knows he's got a gut,
and he knows his wife
ran around on him.
He doesn't need you
reminding him.
( stifled whimper )
Uh, kinda... thought
you'd gone home there, Bill.
( whimpers softly )
Mom, do you know
what the heck this is?
I found it in the closet,
and I was gonna give it
to Joseph to burn.
My Pong!
Your what?
Pong. It's only
the single greatest
video game ever invented.
So, what am I
up against here--
Zombies? Serial killers?
Drug dealers?
Nope. Two lines and a dot.
( monotonous beep )
( beep )
That's it?
That's the whole game?
It's even more boring
than real tennis.
That's because you don't know
how to put English on it!
( high, low and medium tones)
"English," you say.
Bill, I'm taking you
to the one place in town
that can fix whatever
you got going on.
You know, the despair
and whatnot.
I'm so glad
you'll be helping out
with Seniors Bingo Night.
Your main job
is to wake them after the game,
and tell them
where they are.
( both giggling )
Oh, it's been so long
since I met someone
who shared my interest
in helping people.
Mm-hmm. I know
how you feel.
( men singing )
With those strong legs,
you should be able to carry
a lot of bibles, eh?
( giggling )
And maybe after,
I could get you
to hang some decorations.
I shouldn't be
climbing ladders.
( girlish giggling ):
Oops.
( singing continues )
♪ And the moment
I can feel that ♪
♪ You feel that way too ♪
♪ Is when I fall
in love with ♪
♪ You. ♪
( laughing and cheering )
( gasping ):
Who are they?
Oh, that's
the Harmonaholics.
Normally they practice
in the VA,
but it flooded.
ALL:
Harmonaholics
together forever!
( humming )
You know, Bill,
I'm not a priest.
The church
permits me to explore...
( horn honking )
I am William Fontaine
De La Tour Dauterive,
and I demand
that you let me join you!
And why should we do that,
William?
I need something like this
in my life!
But why do we need you
in our life?
Please! You guys are the most
beautiful thing I've ever seen.
And?
And ever since
the first moment
I saw you inside,
I knew I had to be
a part of you. Please!
Very well.
I suppose you've earned,
uh, an audition! Lights!!
( yelps )
Let's see if you've got
what it takes to be one of us.
Sing him in, boys.
♪ Dee-dee-dee-dee,
dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee ♪
♪ I'm singin' in the rain ♪
♪ Just singin' in the rain ♪
♪ What a glorious feeling ♪
♪ I'm happy again... ♪
Smiles!
KRIS:
Hands! Hands!
♪ ...With a happy refrain... ♪
Balls of the feet! Diaphragm!!
♪ ...Just singin' in the rain. ♪
Enough!
So, I got something
that's gonna cheer
Bill up.
Cowboys vs. Miami.
Monday night.
( dorky novelty horn
playing a scale )
I did it!
I'm in! I'm a Harmonaholic!
♪ For he's
a jolly good fellow ♪
♪ For he's
a jolly good fellow ♪
♪ For he's a jolly
good fellow ♪
♪ That nobody can deny! ♪
♪ For he's
a jolly good fellow ♪
♪ For he's a jolly
good fellow ♪
♪ For he's
a jolly good fellow... ♪
What the hell
was that?
I joined a men's chorus!
( stifled chortling )
It's called the Harmonaholics!
More like assoholi...
Dale!
I told you
to lay off Bill.
So, uh...
a men's chorus. Huh.
It's great.
Singing for Kris--
well, there's no way
to describe it.
Oh, and the love the guys have
for each other.
( pained stifling )
Easy, Dale.
And look
at these nifty uniforms.
This shirt is pretty sharp, huh?
Hank, for God's sake!
It cost me a pretty penny,
but as Kris says,
"You got to spend
money to make...
m-m-m-magic!"
( screaming )
Well, I'm off to
practice my moves.
Oh, man. Dang ol'... huh.
Well, I know
we were hoping
he'd chose something
a little less... god-awful,
but it seems to be keeping him
out of the morgue.
All right, let's go
everybody-- warm-ups.
( singing intervals ):
* La-la-la-la-la-la-la... *
Let's see those hands, Larry!
Turn and step!
Keep those finger-guns
in the holsters!
Emotion, Otto, emotion!
Too much emotion!
Let's bring
it in, people!
Does everyone know
the most important
word in this chorus?
Pitch?
Rhythm?
Fun?
Sacrifice!
We all have a lot of competing
pressures in our lives.
People are gonna tell you
there's more important things
than the chorus.
( guys scoffing )
You laugh, but
I've heard it all.
"I can't do the chorus;
my son has a football game."
"I can't do the chorus;
I have to go to work."
"I can't do the chorus;
we have couples therapy."
What do we think
of that, Joe?
We need to be strong!
So, what are we gonna do?!
( in unison ):
Tuuuuuune them out!
All right, then.
Okay, let's all
welcome our newbie,
William.
So, William,
are you wearing?
What?
Everyone in the chorus
wears the same custom underwear.
It gives us a tremendous
feeling of community.
I'm so sorry.
Please, please
don't kick me out!
It's okay, Bill, you're new.
You see, in olden times,
brothers swore their
loyalty to each other
and took an oath with
their very blood.
We wear silk underpants.
Those underpants
symbolize our commitment.
Like Otto here.
He flies in from Amsterdam
almost every week.
But we all have stories.
What kind
of underpants
do you want to put
on tomorrow morning?
Silk!
( phone ringing )
Military Grooming and Hygiene.
Captain Hart speaking.
BILL:
Good morning, Captain Hart.
I regret to inform you
that I am too sick
to perform
my barbering duties today.
I will need to use
one of my sick days.
( phony coughing )
( vocalizing )
( vocalizing continues
in the background )
( phony coughing )
( vocalizing continues
in the background )
( slow, steady beeping
of Pong game )
You are going down,
little man!
You got no game, Mom!
No game!
Yeah? Here I come!
How you like me now?!
You're not ready?
Bill's show's
in an hour.
We're not going, Hank.
I'm trying to teach Bobby
an important lesson...
in humility.
Shee-yah!
( slow, steady beeping
continues )
Well, it's probably a bad idea,
but I'm gonna keep an open mind.
Hey, Nancy has
that same blouse.
Three adults.
You guys are big fans
of the 'Holics, huh?
Uh... uh, I guess.
I love 'em too.
What's your favorite song?
Uh...
So, uh, so that was
three adults.
I know what you're thinking--
if this guy
loves them so much,
why doesn't he
get off his butt
and tour with them?
Well, Kris
had other plans for me.
Let's face it-- if I'm sewing
the names on the underwear,
that's more time for them
to be focusing on the music.
And I also get to run their
fan club out of my house--
the Harmonaholicholics.
Here's all the info.
What's up, Otto?
You wearin'?
You know it.
You wearing?
Wearin' like a baron.
Dauterive!
You wearin'?
Yeah.
Wearin' like a...
flare gun?
Nice!
♪ If I should call you up,
invest a dime ♪
♪ And you say you belong
to me and ease my mind ♪
♪ Imagine how the world
would be, so very fine ♪
♪ So happy together ♪
( holding notes )
♪ I can't see me
loving nobody but you ♪
♪ For all my life... ♪
♪ Shoo-bop-shoo-bop-shoo-bop ♪
♪ Bop-shoo-bop-
shoo-bop-shoo-bop ♪
♪ Bop-shoo-bop-shoo-bop-
shoo-bop ♪
♪ Bop-shoo-bop-
shoo-bop-bop-bop-bop ♪
♪ Bop-shoo-bop-shoo-
bop-shoo-bop, hey! ♪
( making motorcycle noise )
Oh, thank God that's over.
KRIS:
You asked for it,
you got it!
One more song!
Yep.
Yup.
♪Yep-yep-yep-yep-
yep-yep-yep. ♪
Oh.
Mm-hmm.
So, what'd you guys think
of the show?
Normally, I'd tell you
to go to my Blog,
but even that's being
censored by Hank.
Maybe you should ask him.
Well, it was, uh...
you know,
it had its, uh,
features and, uh...
So you're really getting
something out of this, huh?
Oh, yeah,
I'm so lucky.
Sometimes
I can't believe
that they let a guy like
me stay in the chorus.
That's why I have to sacrifice
more than anyone
to let them know
I deserve to be a 'Holic.
What do you mean "sacrifice"?
Well, I spend most of my
paycheck on gloves and top hats.
Both my toes have hammered
because of all the dancing,
plus I used up all my sick time.
The Army thinks I've got
hepatitis-- the bad one.
Wait, you're lying
to the U.S. Army?
I have to do
what I have to do, Hank.
The chorus demands sacrifice.
Well, sacrifice
is a great thing,
for your country or family,
but you can't give your
life away to these guys.
Brian did.
Bill, you're...
No, Dale.
Bill,
I think you've...
( humming )
Dang it, Bill, you're
gonna listen to me.
I'm not gonna let you
throw everything away
just so you can sing
with a bunch of...
a bunch of...
a bunch of guys.
"Guys?!"
You gotta let me
in on this, Hank!
No, Dale!
But, Hank, this is my chance
to be part of something special.
You have a job.
I'm not saying you shouldn't
sing, if you feel you have to.
You should just keep
it in perspective.
Mm, perspective.
I got you, Hank.
Dauterive,
General Murray is coming in
for a haircut at 1900 hours.
But I got plans tonight.
You're not
going anywhere.
You've got no vacation days,
you've got no sick days
and Dawson is on maneuvers.
At 1900 hours,
you better be here
with a scissors in
one hand and a comb
in the other
or you're AWOL,
you got that,
Sergeant?
Done.
♪ In a restless world
like this is ♪
♪ Love has ended
before it's begun ♪
♪ And too many
moonlight kisses ♪
♪ Seem to cool
in the warmth of the sun... ♪
Huh, so, uh,
I noticed a lot of those
chorus guys had wives.
Yup.
Mm, mm-hmm.
Excuse me, gentlemen,
I'm Captain Hart.
I'm looking
for Sergeant Dauterive.
Hank Hill, Assistant Manager,
Strickland Propane.
Don't worry,
I talked to Bill, sir.
- He should be at his post.
- Well he's not.
If Dauterive isn't at his chair
by 1900 hours, he is AWOL.
He's one missed haircut away
from a court-martial
and a dishonorable discharge.
Aah, Got-dang Harmonaholics.
Okay, we've got
to find Bill.
Yeah, man like
a dang ol' needle
in a haystack, man, how
you gonna do that, man?
( smooth jazz plays )
Remember us from
the concert?
Somehow I made my way
onto your mailing list.
We need to know where
the chorus went to and pronto.
You mean the PBS telethon
in Dallas?
It's gonna rock!
Come on, guys.
You heard him.
Let's find that station.
Hey, man, what you talkin'
bout, dang ol' Cowboys
versus Dolphins, man,
Monday Night, man.
Lord forgive me for
saying this, but...
there will be other games.
Wait!
I can't send
a Harmonaholicholic away
without at least
a cup of tea.
Come on in, you guys.
You can sit on the couch
Kris slept on
when he missed his plane.
( sighs ):
Look.
You seem like a nice guy,
so I'll tell you this
for your own good.
Judging by the two times
I've met you,
your life has been
a waste so far.
Forget these
chorus guys
and find a nice girl
or at least something
productive to do,
like a stamp collection.
Your local postmaster
can help you.
Here's his number.
( vocalizing scales )
I have this important
haircut with the General.
Do you think anyone would
notice if I leave early?
Uh... leave early?
( singing stops )
Did I just hear what
I think I heard?
Probably.
You're never wrong.
This is a chor-us, William.
Not a chor-me.
If you leave,
Otto's gonna turn and sing
"I want to know what love is"
to nobody!
He'll look like a fool!
( high and low tones)
Don't you have
homework to do?
Don't you have
housework?
I gotta take
a bathroom break.
Fine. Go ahead.
But...
That's Pong, kiddo.
( lips musically pulsating )
( phones ringing )
We can only
bring you this kind of quality
commercial-free programming
through the generosity
of viewers like you,
and McDonald's,
home of the McGriddle.
McDonald's-- I'm lovin' it.
Got-dang it! Where is he?
♪ Mah-may-mee-mow-moo ♪
♪ Mah-may-mee-mow-moo ♪
This way!
♪ Mah-may-mee-mow-moo. ♪
I want you all
to hear something.
Last week's ten is this week's
seven, do you understand?
Hands in,
Harmonaholics on three.
One, two...
No!
Okay, we made it.
Come on, Bill,
let's get you back to the base
before you ruin your life.
But I've got the music
in me, Hank.
Okay, let's all
tune this out.
No. Tune me in.
Bill, you're committing a crime.
And you're abetting a crime.
A crime would be
to deny the world this.
But Bill, you're gonna be AWOL!
You're gonna
get court-martialed!
Okay, you guys are up.
Come on, Bill.
William.
Dang it, Bill,
why won't you just
listen to reason?
Okay, Dale--
help him.
Wait, is this a trick?
Nope, let 'er rip.
Just keep it clean.
Bill!
Bill, you have to be
the stupidest man
on the planet to think
this is a good idea!
Have you seen what
you're wearing?
That outfit makes you look
like a sequined train wreck!
Look at you!
You're part of
a 12-headed jackass!
This chorus
is the feces
that is produced when shame
eats too much stupidity!
You people make me envy
the deaf and the blind!
Underwear!
Money!
Fat!
( panting )
But, I belong to something
great here.
I even got a nickname--
William.
( wheezing )
Hank.
Bill, you already
have a nickname--
Army Sergeant-Not-
In-Jail-Dauterive.
Remember you asked
if anyone would notice
if you didn't go to work?
Well, the Army sure noticed.
If you don't get back to cut
the general's hair, you're AWOL.
The Army is going to lock
you up for 30 years.
You know how much that's
going to cost them?
Hundreds of thousands
of dollars.
I'd say that's taking notice.
But the Harmonaholics
are my friends.
Are they really?
All they've asked from you
is to give, give, give.
Well, friendship
is a two-way street.
Heck, you know
we gave up
Monday Night Football
tickets to come get you?
That's a friend.
Not these guys.
You're right, Hank.
I gotta get
back to the general.
Let's move.
William?
William!
You. How'd you like
to be a star?
Where's Sergeant Dauterive?
( panting ):
General.
Would you like to...
to have... a seat?
You know, you're
the only Army barber
I let touch my hair.
Thank you, sir.
I always say the 110th
has the best barber.
We fight hard and we
look good doing it.
( slow, steady beeping )
Well, we missed the Cowboys,
but we bailed Bill out.
Oh, sorry, I guess you're
in the middle of your game.
( monotonous beeping )
( high and low tones )
( lips musically pulsating )