King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 10, Episode 1 - Hank's on Board - full transcript
Hank finds that Dale and Boomhauer have been going on a fishing trip each year and purposely excluding Bill. He prevails on them to invite himself and Bill, and Dale responds by deciding that the trip should include wives and children as well. During the first part of the trip, the men ride in one car, and the atmosphere is tense. After Dale purchases a large amount of beer, Hank is forced to ride with Peggy, Bobby, Nancy, and Joseph. Upon the group's arrival in Corpus Christi, Hank is disappointed to find that Dale, Boomhauer, and Bill have all been having a good time without him. Peggy encourages Hank to try just having a good time with his friends without trying to tell them what to do. Hank finds that he enjoys following his friends' lead for a change, but the guys eventually find that having Hank be the responsible one works out better for them all.
Oh, God.
Both Dale and Boomhauer
are going away
on the same weekend.
Sometimes I wish
I was a worm,
so I could cut
myself in half
and crawl in both
their suitcases.
That'll do, Bill.
( horn honking )
See ya later, man.
They're coming back,
right, Hank?
Tell me they're coming back!
Damn it, Bill,
we go through this
every Memorial Day.
Boomhauer will be back
from his family reunion
before you know it.
And even though
Dale said
he'd be back
from his UFO convention
in 35 Romulan
light-years,
it really only amounts
to three days.
Well, amigos,
I guess this is au revoir.
( engine sputters )
( engine stalls )
Uh-oh. That could
be a problem.
Better let me take
a look at that.
Don't bother.
I'm sure it's just the engine.
Look, you're going
on a long trip.
I'll just take it
for a test ride.
Uh, that's okay.
The commander
of the Federation
is a mechanic
at Pep Boys.
He'll take a look
at it.
You, you are coming back,
aren't you, Hank?
It's fine, Hank.
She purrs
like a kitten.
DALE ( purring ):
See?
HANK:
Pipe down, Dale.
I can't hear the...
( panting )
Now, come on, hit it, Gribble!
Go, go-go-go.
Boomhauer?!
Dang ol'... H-Hank?
Uh...
( nervous laughter )
( engine clangs )
So, all of your trips
have been a lie!?
You guys were... fishing?!
Well, if your goal was to make
Bill Dauterive look like a fool,
then you
have succeeded.
Bill, you have to believe me,
that wasn't our goal.
It was just a by-product.
Well, I won't stand
for it!
( grunting )
Again, by-product.
It's just wrong, Peggy--
ditching Bill like that
for 18 years.
The level of deception
is unbelievable.
Hank, you should get those guys
to throw my next surprise party.
Well, I can understand
why they want
a little vacation from him.
He definitely gets
on your nerves.
But still, you just can't
do that to a guy.
Uh, I guess
I'll have to fix this.
As usual.
About my surprise party--
make sure Boomhauer
videotapes it.
I want to see the
look on my face
when I walk
through that door.
You sure
about this, Hank?
It's gonna be okay, Bill.
Fellas, uh,
Bill and I enjoy fishing, too.
And if it would be all right,
we'd like to come, too.
Well, you know,
talkin' 'bout ol'...
Uh... geez...
Look, I promise I'll
keep him in line.
Sure, why not?
Oh, thank you for
including me, fellas.
It makes me
feel... special.
Yeah, screw it.
We might as well invite
the whole world.
You know, wives and kids.
( whining ):
But I wanted this trip
to be just the four of...
Keep it
in check, Bill.
Mom, I found my beach shirt!
Can you believe
it was in Dad's rag bucket?
Boomhauer,
I'd move from behind
this truck if I were you.
Ah, wait, the guy behind us
is talking on a cell phone.
Might as well have a bottle
of whiskey in his mouth.
You'd better
switch back.
Gummi Foot, anyone?
Just one
of the many perks
of riding
in the "A" car.
You hear that, Bill?
You're in the "A" car.
Hey, what do y'all
think is going on
in the "B" car?
Probably something boring.
You got that right.
Women and their
conversations.
( high-pitched voice):
Reality TV is so wonderful!
Yeah, man, talkin' 'bout ol'...
( higher-pitched ):
I've been using
little-little ol' apricot scrub.
Takin' years off your
face, man, that ol' skin.
( chuckling )
( in falsetto ):
With these new maxi-pads,
I feel confident enough
to ride a bicycle.
( sighing ):
Damn it, Bill.
You just ruined
a perfectly good comedy routine.
But I...
You made it dirty,
and ruined the fun
for everybody.
Sorry, Hank.
Now I don't
even get a turn.
I have to go to the bathroom.
Hold it.
Number two.
( sighing ):
Pull over, Boomhauer.
Uh, n-not the Gasco,
the Shamrock.
What's with all the beer?
Oh, uh, the price was
too good to pass up.
I guess one of you
is gonna have to
ride in the "B" car.
Dibs!
Okay, this is your chance.
Don't slobber and don't wipe
your hands on the seat.
Church rules-- gotcha.
And for dinner, I
have a Greek salad,
which is eight
net carbs,
a steak the size of my fist,
11 net carbs,
and all the sugar-free
gelatin I want.
So, that's Wednesday.
Now, what
about Thursday?
Well, Thursday is
the same exact
menu as Tuesday,
but I'll go
through it anyway.
I wake up to egg whites
and salsa-- two net carbs.
( under his breath ):
Oh, God.
JOSEPH:
Hey, dude, check
out my eyelids.
( shuddering groan )
Uh-oh.
We're out of potato chips.
Well, I'm sorry,
but you'll
just have to wait
till I go shopping.
Give me the list.
I can go to the store.
Sorry, Bobby. This isn't
one of your video games
where if you lose
the grocery money
you can kill someone
and get it back.
Please. It's one less
thing for you to do.
Fine. Here's $100.
You are not to deviate
from the list, mister.
And I am counting
the change.
Where are the guys?
They were
right behind us.
Well, when I left,
Bill took charge
of the map.
So, they probably got lost.
( tires squealing )
DALE:
♪Dee-dee-dum-dum ♪
♪Dumpty-dumpty
dum-dum-dum squank. ♪
What the heck happened
to you guys?
Well, man,
dang ol' bonehead here
got us lost, man.
I thought
we'd make
better time
by taking
this blue highway
I found
on the map.
It was a river!
All right, look, guys,
Bill didn't mean
to screw up.
Are you kidding?
Bill was great!
If we hadn't gotten lost,
we never would've eaten
the best tacos in the world!
Or gotten these great
"Tico's Tacos" hats!
Tico's Tacos?
Yeah, yeah, I know, Hank.
Unscheduled stop,
got us behind schedule,
could have given us
stomach larvae.
But you gotta hear
what Bill told the cashier.
Well, I just said,
"If it's nacho cheese,
then whose is it?"
( all laughing )
( Boomhauer
mumbling )
Probably h-had to
be there, man.
( laughing )
"Nacho cheese."
Huh. I don't
know what changed.
When I was in the car,
everything was so tense.
( guys laughing )
Nacho...
Ah, Bill!
Huh.
Wait. I see what's
going on here.
Yeah, all these years,
it wasn't Bill
they were avoiding.
It was me.
Oh. I just got that
"nacho cheese" joke.
But you think so?
That's terrible.
( Bill grunts )
Ha!
Is that all you
got, fat man!
PEGGY:
Hank...
stop pretending
to fix things that are,
A: not ours
and B: not broken.
Now, go out there
with your friends.
Huh. Maybe I should try
some 3-in-1 Oil on this.
I know what's going on here.
Your feelings are hurt
because sometimes
your friends have
a better time
without you than
they do with you.
But that doesn't mean
they don't like you.
It just means
you might have
to change your behavior
just a little bit.
What do you mean
change my behavior?
It's not a big deal,
but sometimes,
you have a tendency
to, you know,
be a little bossy
with the guys.
Just sometimes.
Bossy?
If I wasn't "bossy,"
those guys would be
in trouble all the time.
Yes, but nobody likes
being mothered all the time.
Except for Bobby.
He really responds to it.
So, what are you saying?
Just go with the flow.
Let the guys be in charge
this vacation.
Who knows?
Maybe you'll have fun, too.
And just keep
my mouth shut
when they do
something stupid?
Well, what kind of friend
would I be then?
Damn it, Hank. Do you want
a Tico's Tacos hat or not?
( sighs )
Yes.
Dude, see that
girl sunbathing
with her top unhooked?
You drop this crab
on her back,
and when she jumps up,
I'll look at her boobage.
Joseph, put the crab down.
Hey, check it out.
Cool!
Dude, with one of those
metal detectors,
we could, like,
make tons of money.
We got to buy one!
We can use the cash
your mom gave you.
But it's for groceries.
And I told her
I was going to
be responsible
with the money.
We can turn your mom's
hundy into a fortune!
It'd be irresponsible
for us not to get it.
Hmm.
You make a lot of good points.
Stop fussing
with my tail!
Just make me a wig
out of seaweed.
Uh, hey, there... guys.
Oh, hey, Hank.
Um, we just got a little
sidetracked in loading the boat.
No, uh, looks like you guys
are having a blast.
Here, let me help.
Uh...
( chuckles )
Yep.
Hey, man, look at
that dang ol' Hank
getting into it, man.
So, uh, which one
is our boat?
The Queeg.
That sure is a lot of boat.
Look, um, Hank, truth is,
Boomhauer and I
don't come here to fish.
We come here to...
to search for...
sunken treasure.
Huh.
Isn't it great, Hank?
We're gonna
be millionaires!
To be accurate, Bill,
we'll be millionarios.
You see, in 1898, the Spanish
frigate Juan Sebastian was sunk
in these waters.
Its cargo-- 50,000 gold
pesetas-- was never recovered.
Through our exhaustive efforts
over the last 20 years,
Boomhauer and I have determined
exactly where it isn't.
But the ocean, she can't hold
her secrets much longer.
Yo, man.
( sighs ):
Uh...
sounds fun.
I'm gonna go get
my sunblock.
They're looking
for sunken treasure
for God sakes.
I-I understand
it sounds a
little stupid,
but that's
not the point.
Don't you want
to hang out with
your friends?
( sighs ):
All right.
As long as you think
it's stupid, too.
Go.
Fly, little bird.
Bobby, where are
the groceries?
Mom, you are gonna be
so proud of me.
I took some initiative
and invested our food money
in this.
A metal detector?!
Yeah, we're gonna be rich!
Bobby...
you are a genius!
( sighs )
Treasure hunt.
I'm on a treasure hunt.
And we're past the breaker!
Mr. Boomhauer, set a course
for 26 degrees North,
97 degrees West.
Yeah, man.
Yeoman-Purser Dauterive,
go below deck and fetch me
the Igloo cooler
from the galley.
Yes, Captain,
my Captain.
So, uh, what
do we do now?
Do we all put on dive helmets
and look for a big wooden chest
with a lock on it?
No. What we do is,
we put the boat
on auto-pilot
and wait for
the sonar to
find something.
But while we're
killing time,
we might as well
soak up some rays
and catch some fish.
Oh.
( laughs ):
Well, all right.
( Joseph grunting )
JOSEPH:
Fly!
( thud )
Joseph, honey, that fish
doesn't want to play.
Dale and Boomhauer think
they're gonna find treasure.
Ridiculous.
We're the ones
who are gonna find treasure.
( beeping )
( grunting )
A gold earring.
I bet it belonged
to a pirate.
Uh, actually, that's mine.
I must have just dropped it.
MAN:
What the hell you
think you're doing?
This beach is for locals only.
Mom!
Bobby, I've got this
under control.
Always good
to meet a fellow metal-head.
Quite a lot of keys
you've got there.
You must be
a very important man.
One of them starts my truck.
I found the rest.
They're my trophies.
Oh, well if
we find any more,
we'll send them
right your way.
I said this beach is
for locals only.
This is a public beach, sir.
We all have the right
to find other people's
belongings
and claim them as our own.
All right then,
Juris Prudence.
You can scan the beach,
but we go first.
Right of First Sweep.
We don't have
to listen to...
All right,
all right.
You get
first sweep.
Gentlemen, time
for Russian Beer-lette.
One of these cans
has been shaken.
One...
( giggles )
...two...
three,
go!
( laughter )
He got...
( mumbles )
He got
you, man.
It's not funny.
( laughs ):
Here, Dale, take mine.
I'll go get another one.
( phone ringing )
Oh, my God, we're rich!
Oh, it's the phone.
What?!
Peggy, you were right!
You were right about everything!
I know, Hank, but I need you
to be more specific.
The treasure hunt.
The guys have everything
under control,
and I'm just laying back,
and it's a blast!
See, I knew it
would all work out.
Now, c'mon, man.
Bill, do a little
of them dang ol'
cannonball, man!
( grunting )
That's not a cannonball!
I'll show you
a cannonball!
Shaa!
( groaning )
( chuckles )
Oh, these guys are a
bunch of crazy nuts,
I'll tell ya what.
I got to go.
( laughs )
Come on, Hank.
Cannonball!
Cannonball! Cannonball!
Yeah, man, dang
ol' cannonball...
DALE:
Cannonball!
Whoo-hoo!
Yeah.
There he goes.
( laughs )
Yeah.
Woo.
( laughs )
I got to tell you guys.
I don't know the last time
I had this much fun.
Yeah, this may be
the best trip ever.
Ah!
So, should we
swim around to
the other side?
Why? Is that some sort
of a game?
Uh, no.
So we can climb
back up the ladder.
What are you talking about?
The ladder's right there.
But, fellas, how
are we gonna get
back in the boat?
( Bill and Dale shriek)
BOOMHAUER:
Dang, man.
( Hank shudders )
HANK ( sighing ):
There's gotta be a way back up.
BILL:
No, there's not!
How are we going to get back
up without the ladder?!
Gonna dang ol' die, man!
Just ol' die!
No one panic.
In times of extreme
duress, the body human
is often imbued with
super strength.
I'll dive deep into the water,
and shoot up to the surface,
propelling myself onto the boat.
Gentleman, I'll see you
shipside.
Shazaam!
Huh. I must've jumped
clean over the boat!
We're doomed.
MAN:
Hoo-hah!
A charm bracelet and
a cigarette lighter!
Oh yeah, up top.
This stinks.
Maybe we should
just go swimming.
Hey, Joseph!
No way. We sunk all
our food money into this.
Your father will
think we're idiots.
Okay, here's what we'll do.
We'll tell your father we were
beaten up and robbed.
Now punch me in the chin.
Mom, I'm not going to...
( rapid beeping )
Ho-yes!
( gasps )
What is wrong with you guys?!
Jumping off a boat without
lowering the ladder?!
Hey, you jumped off, too!
How do you explain that,
Albert Hankstein?
( sighs )
I can't believe
I'm gonna die because
of you knuckleheads!
Prepare for an eternity
of me kicking your ass!
Hey, man, the dang ol'
last man pull up the
dang ladder, man!
DALE:
Easy, Boomhauer.
You're not exactly smelling
like roses, either.
If you hadn't goaded Bill
into cannonballing,
this deadly chain of events
never would have been unleashed.
I only did what I was told!
Hey man, dang ol'
screw you, Gribble.
Oh, blame the blamer.
Classy, guys.
Real classy.
( helicopter whirring )
Hey!
( panting ):
Hey!
Dale, they can't see you!
Conserve your energy!
I'm getting so tired.
I'm just gonna close my eyes
for a minute...
Bill! Stay awake!
Hey, man, I did it, man!
I dang ol', broke off the dang
ol' propeller, man!
Boomhauer, why'd you do that?
There's gasoline
everywhere!
Uh... I dunno, man.
( gasping )
The only way we're gonna
make it through this
is if we stay together!
Now everyone
get near the boat--
it's easier to spot.
I said get next to the boat!
( sighs ):
There's gotta be
something we can do.
I suppose now would
be a good time
if anybody had anything
to get off their chest.
You know, before we meet our
maker? Or "make-ress?"
Hey, man, dang
I-I do, man.
Dang ol' talkin' 'bout...
well, you know, man,
I-I dye my dang ol' hair, man.
I have one, too.
We lied to you, Hank.
Once you left the "A" car,
it was a disaster.
We were at each other's
throats the whole time.
But what about your crazy taco
adventure? And the hats?
We didn't have fun!
We were too
embarrassed
to tell you.
And Bill never
said "nacho cheese."
It was a joke I got
off a Popsicle stick.
Hey, man. You know, you're
the dang ol' glue, Hank.
Huh. Well I-I appreciate
that, fellas.
I have a
confession,
too, Hank.
In a moment of weakness,
on a dark, rainy night...
I slept with Peggy!
- No, you didn't, Bill.
- I know.
Well, smoke 'em
if you got 'em.
Wait, wait, give
me that cigarette!
Never! You'll have to pry it
from my cold, dead hands.
Come back in five minutes.
No, we can light the gas spill.
It'll start a huge fire.
Maybe that helicopter
will see it.
It's not a bad plan...
but this is my last cigarette.
Come on, Dale!
Man, go and do it, man!
Okay, but if this doesn't work,
I sure hope they have cigarettes
in hell.
DALE:
He sees us!
He sees us! Yeah!
Whoo-hoo!
All right!
( shouting )
( whooping )
Yeah, man, yeah!
Hey!
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Good work, kids.
Best day we've had
since those bales of marijuana
washed up on shore.
Wait. Where's my, uh...?
Looking for these?
Oh. Thanks.
Must've dropped them.
Uh-uh.
Metal detector's code:
finders keepers, losers weepers.
Dang, she's savvy.
Here's our proposition.
We'll swap your car keys for
everything you found today.
You're one tough beach-comber.
Uh-uh. And the Star of David.
Mr. Hill, I gotta
hand it to you.
That was pretty
smart thinking.
We saw that fire
from quite a ways.
No, I'm just the one who forgot
to lower the ladder.
Boomhauer's the one who broke
open the gas line.
Dale's the one who always
carries an emergency match.
And Bill... uh...
well, Bill didn't
make things worse.
Nice try, Hank.
We know we're screw-ups.
If it wasn't for
you we would have
been dead years ago.
Now that we laughed
in the face of death,
I suggest we bring
a little small-town justice
into that biker bar.
No.
Hey, let's go play
chicken on jet-skis.
No.
Am I hungry, Hank?
Because I feel hungry.
Well, we haven't eaten
in awhile, so... yes.
( laughing )
"Nacho" cheese.
Both Dale and Boomhauer
are going away
on the same weekend.
Sometimes I wish
I was a worm,
so I could cut
myself in half
and crawl in both
their suitcases.
That'll do, Bill.
( horn honking )
See ya later, man.
They're coming back,
right, Hank?
Tell me they're coming back!
Damn it, Bill,
we go through this
every Memorial Day.
Boomhauer will be back
from his family reunion
before you know it.
And even though
Dale said
he'd be back
from his UFO convention
in 35 Romulan
light-years,
it really only amounts
to three days.
Well, amigos,
I guess this is au revoir.
( engine sputters )
( engine stalls )
Uh-oh. That could
be a problem.
Better let me take
a look at that.
Don't bother.
I'm sure it's just the engine.
Look, you're going
on a long trip.
I'll just take it
for a test ride.
Uh, that's okay.
The commander
of the Federation
is a mechanic
at Pep Boys.
He'll take a look
at it.
You, you are coming back,
aren't you, Hank?
It's fine, Hank.
She purrs
like a kitten.
DALE ( purring ):
See?
HANK:
Pipe down, Dale.
I can't hear the...
( panting )
Now, come on, hit it, Gribble!
Go, go-go-go.
Boomhauer?!
Dang ol'... H-Hank?
Uh...
( nervous laughter )
( engine clangs )
So, all of your trips
have been a lie!?
You guys were... fishing?!
Well, if your goal was to make
Bill Dauterive look like a fool,
then you
have succeeded.
Bill, you have to believe me,
that wasn't our goal.
It was just a by-product.
Well, I won't stand
for it!
( grunting )
Again, by-product.
It's just wrong, Peggy--
ditching Bill like that
for 18 years.
The level of deception
is unbelievable.
Hank, you should get those guys
to throw my next surprise party.
Well, I can understand
why they want
a little vacation from him.
He definitely gets
on your nerves.
But still, you just can't
do that to a guy.
Uh, I guess
I'll have to fix this.
As usual.
About my surprise party--
make sure Boomhauer
videotapes it.
I want to see the
look on my face
when I walk
through that door.
You sure
about this, Hank?
It's gonna be okay, Bill.
Fellas, uh,
Bill and I enjoy fishing, too.
And if it would be all right,
we'd like to come, too.
Well, you know,
talkin' 'bout ol'...
Uh... geez...
Look, I promise I'll
keep him in line.
Sure, why not?
Oh, thank you for
including me, fellas.
It makes me
feel... special.
Yeah, screw it.
We might as well invite
the whole world.
You know, wives and kids.
( whining ):
But I wanted this trip
to be just the four of...
Keep it
in check, Bill.
Mom, I found my beach shirt!
Can you believe
it was in Dad's rag bucket?
Boomhauer,
I'd move from behind
this truck if I were you.
Ah, wait, the guy behind us
is talking on a cell phone.
Might as well have a bottle
of whiskey in his mouth.
You'd better
switch back.
Gummi Foot, anyone?
Just one
of the many perks
of riding
in the "A" car.
You hear that, Bill?
You're in the "A" car.
Hey, what do y'all
think is going on
in the "B" car?
Probably something boring.
You got that right.
Women and their
conversations.
( high-pitched voice):
Reality TV is so wonderful!
Yeah, man, talkin' 'bout ol'...
( higher-pitched ):
I've been using
little-little ol' apricot scrub.
Takin' years off your
face, man, that ol' skin.
( chuckling )
( in falsetto ):
With these new maxi-pads,
I feel confident enough
to ride a bicycle.
( sighing ):
Damn it, Bill.
You just ruined
a perfectly good comedy routine.
But I...
You made it dirty,
and ruined the fun
for everybody.
Sorry, Hank.
Now I don't
even get a turn.
I have to go to the bathroom.
Hold it.
Number two.
( sighing ):
Pull over, Boomhauer.
Uh, n-not the Gasco,
the Shamrock.
What's with all the beer?
Oh, uh, the price was
too good to pass up.
I guess one of you
is gonna have to
ride in the "B" car.
Dibs!
Okay, this is your chance.
Don't slobber and don't wipe
your hands on the seat.
Church rules-- gotcha.
And for dinner, I
have a Greek salad,
which is eight
net carbs,
a steak the size of my fist,
11 net carbs,
and all the sugar-free
gelatin I want.
So, that's Wednesday.
Now, what
about Thursday?
Well, Thursday is
the same exact
menu as Tuesday,
but I'll go
through it anyway.
I wake up to egg whites
and salsa-- two net carbs.
( under his breath ):
Oh, God.
JOSEPH:
Hey, dude, check
out my eyelids.
( shuddering groan )
Uh-oh.
We're out of potato chips.
Well, I'm sorry,
but you'll
just have to wait
till I go shopping.
Give me the list.
I can go to the store.
Sorry, Bobby. This isn't
one of your video games
where if you lose
the grocery money
you can kill someone
and get it back.
Please. It's one less
thing for you to do.
Fine. Here's $100.
You are not to deviate
from the list, mister.
And I am counting
the change.
Where are the guys?
They were
right behind us.
Well, when I left,
Bill took charge
of the map.
So, they probably got lost.
( tires squealing )
DALE:
♪Dee-dee-dum-dum ♪
♪Dumpty-dumpty
dum-dum-dum squank. ♪
What the heck happened
to you guys?
Well, man,
dang ol' bonehead here
got us lost, man.
I thought
we'd make
better time
by taking
this blue highway
I found
on the map.
It was a river!
All right, look, guys,
Bill didn't mean
to screw up.
Are you kidding?
Bill was great!
If we hadn't gotten lost,
we never would've eaten
the best tacos in the world!
Or gotten these great
"Tico's Tacos" hats!
Tico's Tacos?
Yeah, yeah, I know, Hank.
Unscheduled stop,
got us behind schedule,
could have given us
stomach larvae.
But you gotta hear
what Bill told the cashier.
Well, I just said,
"If it's nacho cheese,
then whose is it?"
( all laughing )
( Boomhauer
mumbling )
Probably h-had to
be there, man.
( laughing )
"Nacho cheese."
Huh. I don't
know what changed.
When I was in the car,
everything was so tense.
( guys laughing )
Nacho...
Ah, Bill!
Huh.
Wait. I see what's
going on here.
Yeah, all these years,
it wasn't Bill
they were avoiding.
It was me.
Oh. I just got that
"nacho cheese" joke.
But you think so?
That's terrible.
( Bill grunts )
Ha!
Is that all you
got, fat man!
PEGGY:
Hank...
stop pretending
to fix things that are,
A: not ours
and B: not broken.
Now, go out there
with your friends.
Huh. Maybe I should try
some 3-in-1 Oil on this.
I know what's going on here.
Your feelings are hurt
because sometimes
your friends have
a better time
without you than
they do with you.
But that doesn't mean
they don't like you.
It just means
you might have
to change your behavior
just a little bit.
What do you mean
change my behavior?
It's not a big deal,
but sometimes,
you have a tendency
to, you know,
be a little bossy
with the guys.
Just sometimes.
Bossy?
If I wasn't "bossy,"
those guys would be
in trouble all the time.
Yes, but nobody likes
being mothered all the time.
Except for Bobby.
He really responds to it.
So, what are you saying?
Just go with the flow.
Let the guys be in charge
this vacation.
Who knows?
Maybe you'll have fun, too.
And just keep
my mouth shut
when they do
something stupid?
Well, what kind of friend
would I be then?
Damn it, Hank. Do you want
a Tico's Tacos hat or not?
( sighs )
Yes.
Dude, see that
girl sunbathing
with her top unhooked?
You drop this crab
on her back,
and when she jumps up,
I'll look at her boobage.
Joseph, put the crab down.
Hey, check it out.
Cool!
Dude, with one of those
metal detectors,
we could, like,
make tons of money.
We got to buy one!
We can use the cash
your mom gave you.
But it's for groceries.
And I told her
I was going to
be responsible
with the money.
We can turn your mom's
hundy into a fortune!
It'd be irresponsible
for us not to get it.
Hmm.
You make a lot of good points.
Stop fussing
with my tail!
Just make me a wig
out of seaweed.
Uh, hey, there... guys.
Oh, hey, Hank.
Um, we just got a little
sidetracked in loading the boat.
No, uh, looks like you guys
are having a blast.
Here, let me help.
Uh...
( chuckles )
Yep.
Hey, man, look at
that dang ol' Hank
getting into it, man.
So, uh, which one
is our boat?
The Queeg.
That sure is a lot of boat.
Look, um, Hank, truth is,
Boomhauer and I
don't come here to fish.
We come here to...
to search for...
sunken treasure.
Huh.
Isn't it great, Hank?
We're gonna
be millionaires!
To be accurate, Bill,
we'll be millionarios.
You see, in 1898, the Spanish
frigate Juan Sebastian was sunk
in these waters.
Its cargo-- 50,000 gold
pesetas-- was never recovered.
Through our exhaustive efforts
over the last 20 years,
Boomhauer and I have determined
exactly where it isn't.
But the ocean, she can't hold
her secrets much longer.
Yo, man.
( sighs ):
Uh...
sounds fun.
I'm gonna go get
my sunblock.
They're looking
for sunken treasure
for God sakes.
I-I understand
it sounds a
little stupid,
but that's
not the point.
Don't you want
to hang out with
your friends?
( sighs ):
All right.
As long as you think
it's stupid, too.
Go.
Fly, little bird.
Bobby, where are
the groceries?
Mom, you are gonna be
so proud of me.
I took some initiative
and invested our food money
in this.
A metal detector?!
Yeah, we're gonna be rich!
Bobby...
you are a genius!
( sighs )
Treasure hunt.
I'm on a treasure hunt.
And we're past the breaker!
Mr. Boomhauer, set a course
for 26 degrees North,
97 degrees West.
Yeah, man.
Yeoman-Purser Dauterive,
go below deck and fetch me
the Igloo cooler
from the galley.
Yes, Captain,
my Captain.
So, uh, what
do we do now?
Do we all put on dive helmets
and look for a big wooden chest
with a lock on it?
No. What we do is,
we put the boat
on auto-pilot
and wait for
the sonar to
find something.
But while we're
killing time,
we might as well
soak up some rays
and catch some fish.
Oh.
( laughs ):
Well, all right.
( Joseph grunting )
JOSEPH:
Fly!
( thud )
Joseph, honey, that fish
doesn't want to play.
Dale and Boomhauer think
they're gonna find treasure.
Ridiculous.
We're the ones
who are gonna find treasure.
( beeping )
( grunting )
A gold earring.
I bet it belonged
to a pirate.
Uh, actually, that's mine.
I must have just dropped it.
MAN:
What the hell you
think you're doing?
This beach is for locals only.
Mom!
Bobby, I've got this
under control.
Always good
to meet a fellow metal-head.
Quite a lot of keys
you've got there.
You must be
a very important man.
One of them starts my truck.
I found the rest.
They're my trophies.
Oh, well if
we find any more,
we'll send them
right your way.
I said this beach is
for locals only.
This is a public beach, sir.
We all have the right
to find other people's
belongings
and claim them as our own.
All right then,
Juris Prudence.
You can scan the beach,
but we go first.
Right of First Sweep.
We don't have
to listen to...
All right,
all right.
You get
first sweep.
Gentlemen, time
for Russian Beer-lette.
One of these cans
has been shaken.
One...
( giggles )
...two...
three,
go!
( laughter )
He got...
( mumbles )
He got
you, man.
It's not funny.
( laughs ):
Here, Dale, take mine.
I'll go get another one.
( phone ringing )
Oh, my God, we're rich!
Oh, it's the phone.
What?!
Peggy, you were right!
You were right about everything!
I know, Hank, but I need you
to be more specific.
The treasure hunt.
The guys have everything
under control,
and I'm just laying back,
and it's a blast!
See, I knew it
would all work out.
Now, c'mon, man.
Bill, do a little
of them dang ol'
cannonball, man!
( grunting )
That's not a cannonball!
I'll show you
a cannonball!
Shaa!
( groaning )
( chuckles )
Oh, these guys are a
bunch of crazy nuts,
I'll tell ya what.
I got to go.
( laughs )
Come on, Hank.
Cannonball!
Cannonball! Cannonball!
Yeah, man, dang
ol' cannonball...
DALE:
Cannonball!
Whoo-hoo!
Yeah.
There he goes.
( laughs )
Yeah.
Woo.
( laughs )
I got to tell you guys.
I don't know the last time
I had this much fun.
Yeah, this may be
the best trip ever.
Ah!
So, should we
swim around to
the other side?
Why? Is that some sort
of a game?
Uh, no.
So we can climb
back up the ladder.
What are you talking about?
The ladder's right there.
But, fellas, how
are we gonna get
back in the boat?
( Bill and Dale shriek)
BOOMHAUER:
Dang, man.
( Hank shudders )
HANK ( sighing ):
There's gotta be a way back up.
BILL:
No, there's not!
How are we going to get back
up without the ladder?!
Gonna dang ol' die, man!
Just ol' die!
No one panic.
In times of extreme
duress, the body human
is often imbued with
super strength.
I'll dive deep into the water,
and shoot up to the surface,
propelling myself onto the boat.
Gentleman, I'll see you
shipside.
Shazaam!
Huh. I must've jumped
clean over the boat!
We're doomed.
MAN:
Hoo-hah!
A charm bracelet and
a cigarette lighter!
Oh yeah, up top.
This stinks.
Maybe we should
just go swimming.
Hey, Joseph!
No way. We sunk all
our food money into this.
Your father will
think we're idiots.
Okay, here's what we'll do.
We'll tell your father we were
beaten up and robbed.
Now punch me in the chin.
Mom, I'm not going to...
( rapid beeping )
Ho-yes!
( gasps )
What is wrong with you guys?!
Jumping off a boat without
lowering the ladder?!
Hey, you jumped off, too!
How do you explain that,
Albert Hankstein?
( sighs )
I can't believe
I'm gonna die because
of you knuckleheads!
Prepare for an eternity
of me kicking your ass!
Hey, man, the dang ol'
last man pull up the
dang ladder, man!
DALE:
Easy, Boomhauer.
You're not exactly smelling
like roses, either.
If you hadn't goaded Bill
into cannonballing,
this deadly chain of events
never would have been unleashed.
I only did what I was told!
Hey man, dang ol'
screw you, Gribble.
Oh, blame the blamer.
Classy, guys.
Real classy.
( helicopter whirring )
Hey!
( panting ):
Hey!
Dale, they can't see you!
Conserve your energy!
I'm getting so tired.
I'm just gonna close my eyes
for a minute...
Bill! Stay awake!
Hey, man, I did it, man!
I dang ol', broke off the dang
ol' propeller, man!
Boomhauer, why'd you do that?
There's gasoline
everywhere!
Uh... I dunno, man.
( gasping )
The only way we're gonna
make it through this
is if we stay together!
Now everyone
get near the boat--
it's easier to spot.
I said get next to the boat!
( sighs ):
There's gotta be
something we can do.
I suppose now would
be a good time
if anybody had anything
to get off their chest.
You know, before we meet our
maker? Or "make-ress?"
Hey, man, dang
I-I do, man.
Dang ol' talkin' 'bout...
well, you know, man,
I-I dye my dang ol' hair, man.
I have one, too.
We lied to you, Hank.
Once you left the "A" car,
it was a disaster.
We were at each other's
throats the whole time.
But what about your crazy taco
adventure? And the hats?
We didn't have fun!
We were too
embarrassed
to tell you.
And Bill never
said "nacho cheese."
It was a joke I got
off a Popsicle stick.
Hey, man. You know, you're
the dang ol' glue, Hank.
Huh. Well I-I appreciate
that, fellas.
I have a
confession,
too, Hank.
In a moment of weakness,
on a dark, rainy night...
I slept with Peggy!
- No, you didn't, Bill.
- I know.
Well, smoke 'em
if you got 'em.
Wait, wait, give
me that cigarette!
Never! You'll have to pry it
from my cold, dead hands.
Come back in five minutes.
No, we can light the gas spill.
It'll start a huge fire.
Maybe that helicopter
will see it.
It's not a bad plan...
but this is my last cigarette.
Come on, Dale!
Man, go and do it, man!
Okay, but if this doesn't work,
I sure hope they have cigarettes
in hell.
DALE:
He sees us!
He sees us! Yeah!
Whoo-hoo!
All right!
( shouting )
( whooping )
Yeah, man, yeah!
Hey!
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Good work, kids.
Best day we've had
since those bales of marijuana
washed up on shore.
Wait. Where's my, uh...?
Looking for these?
Oh. Thanks.
Must've dropped them.
Uh-uh.
Metal detector's code:
finders keepers, losers weepers.
Dang, she's savvy.
Here's our proposition.
We'll swap your car keys for
everything you found today.
You're one tough beach-comber.
Uh-uh. And the Star of David.
Mr. Hill, I gotta
hand it to you.
That was pretty
smart thinking.
We saw that fire
from quite a ways.
No, I'm just the one who forgot
to lower the ladder.
Boomhauer's the one who broke
open the gas line.
Dale's the one who always
carries an emergency match.
And Bill... uh...
well, Bill didn't
make things worse.
Nice try, Hank.
We know we're screw-ups.
If it wasn't for
you we would have
been dead years ago.
Now that we laughed
in the face of death,
I suggest we bring
a little small-town justice
into that biker bar.
No.
Hey, let's go play
chicken on jet-skis.
No.
Am I hungry, Hank?
Because I feel hungry.
Well, we haven't eaten
in awhile, so... yes.
( laughing )
"Nacho" cheese.