King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 9, Episode 14 - Bobby on Track - full transcript
A track coach uses Bobby to shame good athletes when they get out of line.
Okay, Dooley, let's hear
about your science project.
My potato grew eyes.
I hope she likes... "The
Rocks of Rainey Street."
It's all I could
come up with
on the way to the bus.
( door opens )
PRINCIPAL MOSS:
Sorry to interrupt.
Just wanted to remind everyone
to sign up for the "Fun Run"
on Saturday.
Have a good time and raise money
to buy the school
somethin' nice
or essential.
I usually try not
to motivate kids this way,
but if all your friends
are doin' something,
shouldn't you be doin' it, too?
Nancy invited us
to a progressive
dinner this Saturday.
You know, where you eat
a different course
at each person's house?
Well,
that sounds pointless.
Exactly. So I suggested
a progressive breakfast!
This Saturday, it'll be juice
at the Gribbles',
eggs at the Souphanousinphones',
and then back here for toast.
Uh, wouldn't it be easier
just to eat it all together
someplace?
We eat breakfast like that
every day, Hank,
and frankly, it's getting old.
Sorry, Mom.
I can't make it
Saturday.
I'm running a 5K.
You're what?
Wait, is "running a 5K"
some kind of rap thing?
No, Dad.
It's a bunch of kids running
to raise money for the school.
Well, that's great!
When you cross
that finish line,
I'll be right there
with the video camera.
Even though it brings out
certain instincts in you.
Oh... now you're both going?
Fine. I will host the breakfast
by myself--
a breakfast that, apparently,
will not be videotaped.
It's official.
I need to start
wearing suspenders.
Mr. Boomhauer, how would you
like to sponsor me
in the Fun Run?
You would be sending
a positive message
to the generation
of today.
Unless, of course, you want us
to start doing drugs.
Got-dang, man.
Between ol' gettin'
them dang ol' Girl Scout
cookies, and the band candy,
don't, never gonna stop, man.
Thank you,
Mr. Boomhauer.
Are you interested,
Mr. Dauterive?
Interested in
what, Bobby?
The stuff I just said.
Tell it to me again.
I like it when people
talk to me.
HANK:
Bill!
Three dollars per.
Sorry, I'm sponsoring
Joseph.
He's not running.
Just the same.
( all chattering )
Check out this goodie bag!
Sport gum, squishy ball,
banana-nut protein bar...
( gasps )
a Whattaburger head band!
Well, the real "goodie"
is that you raised $121
for your school, Bobby.
You even got
Joe Jack to pledge
and he doesn't even pay
his alimony.
OFFICIAL:
Let's have all the kids
at the Fun Run
starting line!
Better line up now, son.
I'll wait for you
at the finish line.
OFFICIAL:
Kids on your mark...
get set... go!
( parents cheering )
( panting )
( parents cheering )
Hey, Hank.
You believe the things
I do for this school?
( cell phone ringing )
Hank Hill.
BOBBY:
Hi, Dad.
Can you pick me up?
I'm at the Mocha Bean.
The Mocha Bean?
Right by the starting line?
So you just quit.
You didn't even
make it one K?
It's a "Fun Run," Dad.
I ran until
it stopped being fun.
Happened quick.
What about all the people
who sponsored you?
Okay, how's this--
why don't you shoot some video
of me running across
the finish line?
I'll just put my face
over my latte
so I'll work up a sweat.
( sighs )
What has the MTV
done to you, son?
Wow, there sure was
a lot of toast left over.
That is what happens
when people decide
to stuff themselves
on juice.
HANK:
Bobby,
this is a pedometer.
It measures
how far you walk.
By the end of today,
I want five kilometers
on there...
that's 3.1 miles.
You know what I'd really
love to do?
Learn how to fix a car.
Get moving.
( sighs )
Feeling it in
your calves now?
That's ten isotonic
massaging plates
working at 3,000
pulses a minute.
Yeah...
HANK:
You were gone all afternoon
and you only walked
a half a mile?
Maybe when it gets
to 100 miles, it flips over.
Get in the truck.
Only two and a half miles to go!
Ugh...
I'm chafing!
Great effort, runner!
Sorry, Coach,
I'll get him out
of your way.
My son's a few
hundred yards
into being taught
an important lesson.
We'll finish up
at the reservoir.
COACH:
I like the way you were
gutting it out out there.
That's just the kind
of guy I want on my team.
How'd you like
to join track?
On the team?
Uh, Coach, this
is the first time
you're seeing him.
You might be getting
the wrong idea.
Yeah, I hurt my knee
putting my sneakers on.
As long as you listen
and are willing to be taught,
you'll always have
a place in my system.
You hear that, Bobby?
You're gonna be part
of a system!
Look at those guys.
They're gonna expect me to
run and compete and finish!
I'm just gonna bring
the whole team down!
Bobby, the thing about
middle school athletes is
they don't care if you win.
They only care that you tried.
( sighs )
I'm gonna try.
Hey, Booby Hill,
what are you doing here?
The lunch room's
that way!
Good one.
Heh-heh...
Well... it looks like
I'm your new teammate.
What?
Huh?
If you mess up,
we'll mess you up.
Track spikes
are sharp...
and we're not
afraid to use them.
( all laughing )
I know how you can
get kicked off the team.
Take a javelin
and throw it into the crowd!
I mean, it would
do something.
( sighs )
I better get down there.
There are ten
hurdles in the race,
but the highest one
is right here.
Remember that.
Hey, Hill, grab
that shot put!
Let's see
what you've got.
( grunting )
( laughing )
( mutters )
You sure you don't
want to cut me?
Hill, track is
like a picture puzzle.
Sometimes the
weird-looking piece
is the one you need.
Yep. Bobby's gonna
be wearing sweatpants
for the right reason.
Still, I must say,
track and field doesn't
really seem like a full sport.
It's more like leftover scraps
from other sports.
Hey, Bobby, how was your
first day of practice?
I'm really tired, and I think
all the guys hate me.
They're just giving you
the business, Bobby.
In football, we used
to make the new kids
breathe through
Bill's sock.
I was happy
to contribute.
And, oh, yeah,
Boomhauer used
to do this hilarious bit
where he told me my mother died.
( laughing )
Took the sting out of it
when she actually did.
So the guys don't
really hate me?
That's right.
Just hang in there,
keep listening
to your coach,
and do your best.
You'll see.
It'll pay off.
Okay.
Is there any lesson
sports can't teach?
If you want, I'll think
of you when I'm throwing.
Wassanasong, you're
throwing next. Why
aren't you warming up?
Why get warm
when I'm already hot?
( laughs )
You're a 30-foot shot-putter
with a ten-foot
mind-set.
You're out. Hill!
What?! Coach,
it was a joke!
A funny joke!
Grab the shot put.
You're throwing next.
What? But you saw me throw!
( grunting )
Landry, next thrower.
It's easy, Hill.
Visualize
the action,
then actualize
the vision.
Okay.
Watch closely, Wassanasong.
This isn't Hill's throw.
It's your throw.
( whimpering, grunting )
All right, Hill!
You blew it
for us, Chane.
Maybe your girlfriend wants
to see me kick your ass.
...99... and a hundred.
Okay, girl.
Dad, we won!
And I competed!
I actually shot the put.
Or did I put the shot?
Either way, I threw it.
Well, what
did I tell you?
You showed the coach
you had heart,
and he gave you a chance.
I must have had more heart
than Chane Wassanasong,
'cause he sat on the bench.
You competed while another
guy sat on the bench?
There's a bottle
of sport drink
in the garage
I've been saving.
Let's open it.
Hey, Chane, if
this were an egg,
it'd take some kind
of crazy bird to lay it!
I'm trying to hyper-focus, okay?
You're eating sugar
right before the hundred?!
Hill, sweats off!
( gunshot )
( gasps )
( cheering )
( panting )
The finish line
is inside of me.
Now you've tasted
chocolate and failure.
Which is more bitter?
Um... I like chocolate
more than failure.
So that means
I should eat more chocolate?
I... I don't understand.
Understand this, gentlemen.
Anytime, anywhere, if I think
someone's dogging it,
he'll be "Bobby Hilled."
Winning is the carrot,
and Bobby is the stick.
Whew!
I had to stop.
They were putting up hurdles
for the next race.
Hill, you're going
to take this team
to the District Finals.
Boy, I sure wish
I could have gone
to Bobby's meet today.
Why do I always have
to be Mr. Strickland's
character witness?
Well, I think
it's an honor.
Mom, Dad, we won!
I need some ice.
My hand's sore
from all the high-fiving.
Great! Did the coach
let you throw the
shot put again?
Nah. I was busy doing the 440.
You ran the 440?
Coach said I'm a secret weapon
he can deploy anywhere.
Oh, and guess what?
I've got a nickname.
The guys call me "The Stick."
Sure. That's because
you stuck it out.
Yeah. I'm actually
starting to have fun.
That's right.
See, I don't punish you
to make you miserable.
I punish you to make you happy.
I'm gettin' it!
PEGGY:
Jump long, long jumpers!
Get some altitude,
pole-vaulters!
Boy, this sport
does not lend itself
to good cheers.
Hank, we have a situation.
HANK:
Bobby's doing the high hurdles?!
Sometimes it
takes him two tries
just to get
on the couch.
( gunshot )
Oh, I can't watch.
Oh, the humanity.
( grunting )
I wasn't brought up to
second-guess a coach,
but this makes
no sense at all.
I'm gonna find out
what's going on.
You think Bobby's bad?
Imagine
if we had a child.
( laughing )
( laughing )
I'd love him anyway.
You're halfway
home, Hill!
Still think
curfew is "bogus"?
Excuse me,
Coach Palmer?
Don't worry, Mr. Hill.
I've got Bobby working
on falling on his hands.
You know,
I'm not one of those dads
who gets mad if the coach
doesn't play my son.
Matter of fact, Bobby shouldn't
be anywhere near a hurdle.
He's embarrassing himself.
No, he's embarrassing
the guy he's replacing.
You're using Bobby
to shame the good athletes?
Since I started using Bobby
as the Stick,
the team's been on fire.
We haven't lost a meet.
Huh. Well, that sounds good,
but it's making me
feel kind of sick.
All I know is,
Bobby's teammates
are setting
personal bests,
and we're headed for
the District Finals.
Excuse me. I just
saw my pole vaulter
light a cigarette.
Hill, forget
the hurdles!
Pole vault!
I'm on it.
How was that?
Well, I guess it's
nice that the coach
calls Bobby his
"go-to guy," but...
feels like one of
those fairy tales
where the genie
gives you a wish,
but you ask for it
in slightly the wrong way
and you end up with a solid
gold head or something.
The correct strategy
with genies
is to wish for more wishes.
It just seems wrong.
Nothing's expected of him.
Bobby never did pole vault.
He just limbo'd under the bar.
( sighs )
In a way, life was simpler
when Bobby was making collages
out of People magazine.
( TV playing )
Hey, Dad.
I'm carbo-loading.
Yeah, uh...
Here's the thing.
Bobby, do you understand
why the coach
is playing you so much?
'Course I do, Dad.
My input delta
yields, you know, a tangent
to a winning hypotenuse
or something.
Well, it's mostly
because you're
really bad.
The other guys try harder
so they aren't humiliated
by being replaced by you.
I knew I was contributing.
I just wasn't sure how.
I'm a motivator!
I'm like a big Rally Monkey.
Bobby, you don't motivate
anyone by being lousy.
You motivate 'em by giving
a heartbreaking speech
or dying or something.
You know, I'm thinking
you should quit this team.
Quit the team I brought
to the finals?
No way!
Oh, by the way, tomorrow
night's the letter ceremony.
I need $90 for the jacket.
$90?!
I went for the
leather sleeves.
COACH:
Ramón Alejandro...
Hank, I bet this reminds you
of when you got your letter.
Oh sure. Only I led
the league in rushing
and sacrificed all the
cartilage in my knees.
Other than
that, deja vu.
Gary Anderson.
Dad, I know what
I want to do with my life--
be a professional
motivator.
I just need
to find a field
in which I have
no potential.
Hmm...
I'd make a terrible dam builder.
Why don't you just try
to be good at something?
Don't try to motivate
a motivator, Dad.
And the man who brought us
to the District Finals...
Bobby Hill!
( audience cheering )
Excuse me.
( chanting ):
Stick! Stick! Stick!
What do you
think, Coach?
Any sprinters acting
lackadaisical?
High jumpers
showing enough grit?
Everyone's brought
their "A" game, Bobby,
because of you.
The Stick'll be taking
a nap if you need him.
Well, the meet's
almost over.
I wonder if Bobby's
gonna humiliate
anyone...
besides himself.
There's Bobby.
Look, right there.
Oh...
He's curled up in his
little letterman's jacket.
He's sleeping?
Damn it, that does it.
Wake up, Bobby.
We're going home.
( yawns )
But the team needs me.
Is there a problem,
Mr. Hill?
Yeah, there is.
A real coach brings out
the best in his players.
A jackass puts his worst guy
on display like it's a sideshow.
In the future, when every team
has a designated "Bobby Hill,"
and I'm in the Track
Hall of Fame,
maybe you'll feel differently.
There's a Track Hall of Fame?
The relay is about to start.
We take this,
we win the meet.
Coach--
I hyper-extended
and I can't run the relay.
You what?!
I stretched too hard.
I saw you talking to the Stick
and I got scared I was
gonna get Bobby Hilled.
Landry!
I need a runner
or you're disqualified.
Murphy's still long-jumping.
I-I-I don't see Chane...
Landry!
I-I-I don't,
I don't have anyone left.
I-I never envisioned
a no-sub scenario.
You don't have to.
You've got Bobby.
You can put him in.
What?
What?
This isn't a Stick situation.
Failing would
actually hurt us here.
Okay. Okay, I can do this.
Hill, any good
paradigm can be inverted.
Imagine another you--
we'll call that
"Bobby Hill
sub-negative one..."
Forget about that
nonsense, Bobby.
You just have to
do two things:
Move this leg,
then move that one
and don't quit until
the race is over.
You can do it, Bobby.
You can try.
( cheering )
( panting )
ANNOUNCER:
It's Tom Landry in the lead!
One foot... in front
of the other.
I wish Bobby wasn't
such a butterfingers.
Bobby! Pretend the
baton is the remote!
Ho, yeah!
ANNOUNCER:
With one leg to go,
it's Tom Landry's to lose!
Maybe not.
Keep going, Bobby!
Don't lay down with them!
( panting hard )
ANNOUNCER: The Landry runner is
the only one still on his feet.
Landry wins!
TEAMMATE:
Bobby! All right, Bobby!
Yeah, you're the Stick!
All right! Yeah!
You did it!
That's how you
motivate a team.
Well, Bobby, you
lost a huge lead
and it took a bunch of guys
falling down, but you did it.
I think I'm gonna throw up.
Go ahead, son.
You've earned it.
( cheering )
I'm serious, guys.
You don't want
to be under me.
DALE:
Oh, the humanity.
about your science project.
My potato grew eyes.
I hope she likes... "The
Rocks of Rainey Street."
It's all I could
come up with
on the way to the bus.
( door opens )
PRINCIPAL MOSS:
Sorry to interrupt.
Just wanted to remind everyone
to sign up for the "Fun Run"
on Saturday.
Have a good time and raise money
to buy the school
somethin' nice
or essential.
I usually try not
to motivate kids this way,
but if all your friends
are doin' something,
shouldn't you be doin' it, too?
Nancy invited us
to a progressive
dinner this Saturday.
You know, where you eat
a different course
at each person's house?
Well,
that sounds pointless.
Exactly. So I suggested
a progressive breakfast!
This Saturday, it'll be juice
at the Gribbles',
eggs at the Souphanousinphones',
and then back here for toast.
Uh, wouldn't it be easier
just to eat it all together
someplace?
We eat breakfast like that
every day, Hank,
and frankly, it's getting old.
Sorry, Mom.
I can't make it
Saturday.
I'm running a 5K.
You're what?
Wait, is "running a 5K"
some kind of rap thing?
No, Dad.
It's a bunch of kids running
to raise money for the school.
Well, that's great!
When you cross
that finish line,
I'll be right there
with the video camera.
Even though it brings out
certain instincts in you.
Oh... now you're both going?
Fine. I will host the breakfast
by myself--
a breakfast that, apparently,
will not be videotaped.
It's official.
I need to start
wearing suspenders.
Mr. Boomhauer, how would you
like to sponsor me
in the Fun Run?
You would be sending
a positive message
to the generation
of today.
Unless, of course, you want us
to start doing drugs.
Got-dang, man.
Between ol' gettin'
them dang ol' Girl Scout
cookies, and the band candy,
don't, never gonna stop, man.
Thank you,
Mr. Boomhauer.
Are you interested,
Mr. Dauterive?
Interested in
what, Bobby?
The stuff I just said.
Tell it to me again.
I like it when people
talk to me.
HANK:
Bill!
Three dollars per.
Sorry, I'm sponsoring
Joseph.
He's not running.
Just the same.
( all chattering )
Check out this goodie bag!
Sport gum, squishy ball,
banana-nut protein bar...
( gasps )
a Whattaburger head band!
Well, the real "goodie"
is that you raised $121
for your school, Bobby.
You even got
Joe Jack to pledge
and he doesn't even pay
his alimony.
OFFICIAL:
Let's have all the kids
at the Fun Run
starting line!
Better line up now, son.
I'll wait for you
at the finish line.
OFFICIAL:
Kids on your mark...
get set... go!
( parents cheering )
( panting )
( parents cheering )
Hey, Hank.
You believe the things
I do for this school?
( cell phone ringing )
Hank Hill.
BOBBY:
Hi, Dad.
Can you pick me up?
I'm at the Mocha Bean.
The Mocha Bean?
Right by the starting line?
So you just quit.
You didn't even
make it one K?
It's a "Fun Run," Dad.
I ran until
it stopped being fun.
Happened quick.
What about all the people
who sponsored you?
Okay, how's this--
why don't you shoot some video
of me running across
the finish line?
I'll just put my face
over my latte
so I'll work up a sweat.
( sighs )
What has the MTV
done to you, son?
Wow, there sure was
a lot of toast left over.
That is what happens
when people decide
to stuff themselves
on juice.
HANK:
Bobby,
this is a pedometer.
It measures
how far you walk.
By the end of today,
I want five kilometers
on there...
that's 3.1 miles.
You know what I'd really
love to do?
Learn how to fix a car.
Get moving.
( sighs )
Feeling it in
your calves now?
That's ten isotonic
massaging plates
working at 3,000
pulses a minute.
Yeah...
HANK:
You were gone all afternoon
and you only walked
a half a mile?
Maybe when it gets
to 100 miles, it flips over.
Get in the truck.
Only two and a half miles to go!
Ugh...
I'm chafing!
Great effort, runner!
Sorry, Coach,
I'll get him out
of your way.
My son's a few
hundred yards
into being taught
an important lesson.
We'll finish up
at the reservoir.
COACH:
I like the way you were
gutting it out out there.
That's just the kind
of guy I want on my team.
How'd you like
to join track?
On the team?
Uh, Coach, this
is the first time
you're seeing him.
You might be getting
the wrong idea.
Yeah, I hurt my knee
putting my sneakers on.
As long as you listen
and are willing to be taught,
you'll always have
a place in my system.
You hear that, Bobby?
You're gonna be part
of a system!
Look at those guys.
They're gonna expect me to
run and compete and finish!
I'm just gonna bring
the whole team down!
Bobby, the thing about
middle school athletes is
they don't care if you win.
They only care that you tried.
( sighs )
I'm gonna try.
Hey, Booby Hill,
what are you doing here?
The lunch room's
that way!
Good one.
Heh-heh...
Well... it looks like
I'm your new teammate.
What?
Huh?
If you mess up,
we'll mess you up.
Track spikes
are sharp...
and we're not
afraid to use them.
( all laughing )
I know how you can
get kicked off the team.
Take a javelin
and throw it into the crowd!
I mean, it would
do something.
( sighs )
I better get down there.
There are ten
hurdles in the race,
but the highest one
is right here.
Remember that.
Hey, Hill, grab
that shot put!
Let's see
what you've got.
( grunting )
( laughing )
( mutters )
You sure you don't
want to cut me?
Hill, track is
like a picture puzzle.
Sometimes the
weird-looking piece
is the one you need.
Yep. Bobby's gonna
be wearing sweatpants
for the right reason.
Still, I must say,
track and field doesn't
really seem like a full sport.
It's more like leftover scraps
from other sports.
Hey, Bobby, how was your
first day of practice?
I'm really tired, and I think
all the guys hate me.
They're just giving you
the business, Bobby.
In football, we used
to make the new kids
breathe through
Bill's sock.
I was happy
to contribute.
And, oh, yeah,
Boomhauer used
to do this hilarious bit
where he told me my mother died.
( laughing )
Took the sting out of it
when she actually did.
So the guys don't
really hate me?
That's right.
Just hang in there,
keep listening
to your coach,
and do your best.
You'll see.
It'll pay off.
Okay.
Is there any lesson
sports can't teach?
If you want, I'll think
of you when I'm throwing.
Wassanasong, you're
throwing next. Why
aren't you warming up?
Why get warm
when I'm already hot?
( laughs )
You're a 30-foot shot-putter
with a ten-foot
mind-set.
You're out. Hill!
What?! Coach,
it was a joke!
A funny joke!
Grab the shot put.
You're throwing next.
What? But you saw me throw!
( grunting )
Landry, next thrower.
It's easy, Hill.
Visualize
the action,
then actualize
the vision.
Okay.
Watch closely, Wassanasong.
This isn't Hill's throw.
It's your throw.
( whimpering, grunting )
All right, Hill!
You blew it
for us, Chane.
Maybe your girlfriend wants
to see me kick your ass.
...99... and a hundred.
Okay, girl.
Dad, we won!
And I competed!
I actually shot the put.
Or did I put the shot?
Either way, I threw it.
Well, what
did I tell you?
You showed the coach
you had heart,
and he gave you a chance.
I must have had more heart
than Chane Wassanasong,
'cause he sat on the bench.
You competed while another
guy sat on the bench?
There's a bottle
of sport drink
in the garage
I've been saving.
Let's open it.
Hey, Chane, if
this were an egg,
it'd take some kind
of crazy bird to lay it!
I'm trying to hyper-focus, okay?
You're eating sugar
right before the hundred?!
Hill, sweats off!
( gunshot )
( gasps )
( cheering )
( panting )
The finish line
is inside of me.
Now you've tasted
chocolate and failure.
Which is more bitter?
Um... I like chocolate
more than failure.
So that means
I should eat more chocolate?
I... I don't understand.
Understand this, gentlemen.
Anytime, anywhere, if I think
someone's dogging it,
he'll be "Bobby Hilled."
Winning is the carrot,
and Bobby is the stick.
Whew!
I had to stop.
They were putting up hurdles
for the next race.
Hill, you're going
to take this team
to the District Finals.
Boy, I sure wish
I could have gone
to Bobby's meet today.
Why do I always have
to be Mr. Strickland's
character witness?
Well, I think
it's an honor.
Mom, Dad, we won!
I need some ice.
My hand's sore
from all the high-fiving.
Great! Did the coach
let you throw the
shot put again?
Nah. I was busy doing the 440.
You ran the 440?
Coach said I'm a secret weapon
he can deploy anywhere.
Oh, and guess what?
I've got a nickname.
The guys call me "The Stick."
Sure. That's because
you stuck it out.
Yeah. I'm actually
starting to have fun.
That's right.
See, I don't punish you
to make you miserable.
I punish you to make you happy.
I'm gettin' it!
PEGGY:
Jump long, long jumpers!
Get some altitude,
pole-vaulters!
Boy, this sport
does not lend itself
to good cheers.
Hank, we have a situation.
HANK:
Bobby's doing the high hurdles?!
Sometimes it
takes him two tries
just to get
on the couch.
( gunshot )
Oh, I can't watch.
Oh, the humanity.
( grunting )
I wasn't brought up to
second-guess a coach,
but this makes
no sense at all.
I'm gonna find out
what's going on.
You think Bobby's bad?
Imagine
if we had a child.
( laughing )
( laughing )
I'd love him anyway.
You're halfway
home, Hill!
Still think
curfew is "bogus"?
Excuse me,
Coach Palmer?
Don't worry, Mr. Hill.
I've got Bobby working
on falling on his hands.
You know,
I'm not one of those dads
who gets mad if the coach
doesn't play my son.
Matter of fact, Bobby shouldn't
be anywhere near a hurdle.
He's embarrassing himself.
No, he's embarrassing
the guy he's replacing.
You're using Bobby
to shame the good athletes?
Since I started using Bobby
as the Stick,
the team's been on fire.
We haven't lost a meet.
Huh. Well, that sounds good,
but it's making me
feel kind of sick.
All I know is,
Bobby's teammates
are setting
personal bests,
and we're headed for
the District Finals.
Excuse me. I just
saw my pole vaulter
light a cigarette.
Hill, forget
the hurdles!
Pole vault!
I'm on it.
How was that?
Well, I guess it's
nice that the coach
calls Bobby his
"go-to guy," but...
feels like one of
those fairy tales
where the genie
gives you a wish,
but you ask for it
in slightly the wrong way
and you end up with a solid
gold head or something.
The correct strategy
with genies
is to wish for more wishes.
It just seems wrong.
Nothing's expected of him.
Bobby never did pole vault.
He just limbo'd under the bar.
( sighs )
In a way, life was simpler
when Bobby was making collages
out of People magazine.
( TV playing )
Hey, Dad.
I'm carbo-loading.
Yeah, uh...
Here's the thing.
Bobby, do you understand
why the coach
is playing you so much?
'Course I do, Dad.
My input delta
yields, you know, a tangent
to a winning hypotenuse
or something.
Well, it's mostly
because you're
really bad.
The other guys try harder
so they aren't humiliated
by being replaced by you.
I knew I was contributing.
I just wasn't sure how.
I'm a motivator!
I'm like a big Rally Monkey.
Bobby, you don't motivate
anyone by being lousy.
You motivate 'em by giving
a heartbreaking speech
or dying or something.
You know, I'm thinking
you should quit this team.
Quit the team I brought
to the finals?
No way!
Oh, by the way, tomorrow
night's the letter ceremony.
I need $90 for the jacket.
$90?!
I went for the
leather sleeves.
COACH:
Ramón Alejandro...
Hank, I bet this reminds you
of when you got your letter.
Oh sure. Only I led
the league in rushing
and sacrificed all the
cartilage in my knees.
Other than
that, deja vu.
Gary Anderson.
Dad, I know what
I want to do with my life--
be a professional
motivator.
I just need
to find a field
in which I have
no potential.
Hmm...
I'd make a terrible dam builder.
Why don't you just try
to be good at something?
Don't try to motivate
a motivator, Dad.
And the man who brought us
to the District Finals...
Bobby Hill!
( audience cheering )
Excuse me.
( chanting ):
Stick! Stick! Stick!
What do you
think, Coach?
Any sprinters acting
lackadaisical?
High jumpers
showing enough grit?
Everyone's brought
their "A" game, Bobby,
because of you.
The Stick'll be taking
a nap if you need him.
Well, the meet's
almost over.
I wonder if Bobby's
gonna humiliate
anyone...
besides himself.
There's Bobby.
Look, right there.
Oh...
He's curled up in his
little letterman's jacket.
He's sleeping?
Damn it, that does it.
Wake up, Bobby.
We're going home.
( yawns )
But the team needs me.
Is there a problem,
Mr. Hill?
Yeah, there is.
A real coach brings out
the best in his players.
A jackass puts his worst guy
on display like it's a sideshow.
In the future, when every team
has a designated "Bobby Hill,"
and I'm in the Track
Hall of Fame,
maybe you'll feel differently.
There's a Track Hall of Fame?
The relay is about to start.
We take this,
we win the meet.
Coach--
I hyper-extended
and I can't run the relay.
You what?!
I stretched too hard.
I saw you talking to the Stick
and I got scared I was
gonna get Bobby Hilled.
Landry!
I need a runner
or you're disqualified.
Murphy's still long-jumping.
I-I-I don't see Chane...
Landry!
I-I-I don't,
I don't have anyone left.
I-I never envisioned
a no-sub scenario.
You don't have to.
You've got Bobby.
You can put him in.
What?
What?
This isn't a Stick situation.
Failing would
actually hurt us here.
Okay. Okay, I can do this.
Hill, any good
paradigm can be inverted.
Imagine another you--
we'll call that
"Bobby Hill
sub-negative one..."
Forget about that
nonsense, Bobby.
You just have to
do two things:
Move this leg,
then move that one
and don't quit until
the race is over.
You can do it, Bobby.
You can try.
( cheering )
( panting )
ANNOUNCER:
It's Tom Landry in the lead!
One foot... in front
of the other.
I wish Bobby wasn't
such a butterfingers.
Bobby! Pretend the
baton is the remote!
Ho, yeah!
ANNOUNCER:
With one leg to go,
it's Tom Landry's to lose!
Maybe not.
Keep going, Bobby!
Don't lay down with them!
( panting hard )
ANNOUNCER: The Landry runner is
the only one still on his feet.
Landry wins!
TEAMMATE:
Bobby! All right, Bobby!
Yeah, you're the Stick!
All right! Yeah!
You did it!
That's how you
motivate a team.
Well, Bobby, you
lost a huge lead
and it took a bunch of guys
falling down, but you did it.
I think I'm gonna throw up.
Go ahead, son.
You've earned it.
( cheering )
I'm serious, guys.
You don't want
to be under me.
DALE:
Oh, the humanity.