King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 9, Episode 13 - Gone with the Windstorm - full transcript

I can't believe another
Heimlich County Pork Festival's

almost here.

This year we're
gonna have to get

Bill's cholesterol tested
every hour.

Just remember
to keep your fingers

away from my mouth.

Once I'm in the zone,
I can't tell the difference.

Hey, it's seven
after the hour.

Let's see what kind
of weather

my Nancy's predicting.

Even an inch tall
and ashen gray,
she's beautiful.



The weather's going to be
sunny and clear,

not a chance of drizzle,

so come on down and watch
those pigs sizzle.

I'll be there to sign autographs

outside the Hall
of Ham Presidents.

All right!

I love James K. Pork.

NANCY:
Thanks for your help,
Peggy,

but try not to sign
across my face.

Oh, and don't sign

across my cleavage either.

Or, as one of my fans calls
it, my warm fronts.

Oops, I must be getting tired.

I signed this one
"Peggy Hill" by mistake.



Well, no matter, now
it's a collector's item.

Can't stop yet, sug.

The weather outlook is so sunny,

we could be talking
demolition derby-size crowds.

Did you realize I make your B's
just like a serial killer?

( people clamoring )

Well, this ruins
my watercooler
talk for Monday.

And Tuesday.

Delayed
for wind?

Sure, it's a little breezy,

but it's not that bad.

Whoa!

( loud crash )

Nancy, fans!

I look forward to
the Pork Festival all year

and your weather ruined it!

Can you accurately
predict

what my finger's going to do?

( gasps )

It's not my fault
I got the weather wrong.

I just read it off
the TelePrompTer.

My job is
to pronounce it,

not predict it.

Oh, don't feel so bad.

You know what they say
about the weather in Texas:

if you don't like it,
just wait five minutes.

( thunder crashing )

Sometimes it takes ten.

Maybe we should go.

We're square dancing
in PE today.

I'm do-si-do-ing
with you, Cherise!

( barking )
( yells )

You thought
he was a dog.

Oh, God, what a horrible day.

At least it looks like you got
a nice new pair of boots.

Thanks for noticing.
Oh, can you ask me

where I got them
when we're on the air, sug?

That way they're free.

Understood.

I get a free dinner every time
I mention the Barbecue Hut.

Hmm.

MAN:
Damn it, Nancy.

People are really ticked off
about your forecast.

Our phones are ringing
off the hook.

What am I
supposed to do?

The only equipment I have
is a thermometer

and a little glass skunk
whose tail turns blue

when it's humid.

I know, I know.

Wait, what about
the Super Doppler

we're always advertising?

We don't really have one.

We just wrote "Doppler"

on the air conditioning unit
on the roof.

Channel 4's got one.

Televiso's got one.

Well, we got to do something.

The FCC's cracking down
on everyone.

They won't let us keep calling
it AccuWeather

if you keep getting it wrong.

Well, then get me
a Doppler

or whatever can predict
the weather better

so I don't look like
a jackass again, sug!

( barking )
( yells )

( laughing )

Hi, Bobby.

( yells )

What's the matter with you?

( sighs )

It's Jimmy Bearden!

I made eye contact
with him one day,

and ever since he's been
out to get me.

( whimpers )

Do you hear the barking?

It's all around us.

Are the puffy clouds
good or bad?

Check it out, Nancy.

Doppler radar. NWS link.

Graphics computers. The works.

Channel 84 is in

the 21st century
of weather forecasting.

Oh, thank God.

Forecast for Arlen, please.

Don't worry about how any
of this stuff works, Nancy.

That's what Irv's here for.

Meet Irv Bennett.

Fresh from Texas Tech's

Meteorological School.

Great to meet you,
Ms. Hicks-Gribble.

I know this is kind of lame,

but I have a printout of that
tornado that moved through here

in August of 2001.

Could you sign it?

Whatever, sug.

I'm just glad
I finally have someone

to do my science for me.

( phone ringing )
Oh, and to answer my phone.

Can you always say,
"I'll see if
she's available"

even when I am available.

Can do.

Whoa, Irv, you don't
have time for that.

Sure he does.

Don't let it get to five rings

or the voice mail will pick up.

Just move it. You've got to get
into makeup for the 5:00 report.

I'm on it.

Makeup?
Oh, don't worry, Tom.

I'll make sure I don't walk so
far that he gets in the shot.

Nancy, uh...

Irv's going to be doing
the weather from now on.

What?

Am I being fired?

Now? No. We're a family.

I'm sure we'll find
something for you.

But the thing is,
viewers don't want

to be entertained
by a "weather girl" anymore.

They want meteorologists

who, who understand
weather

and can update them immediately.

But-but what about me?

Hey, why don't you man
the weather phone?

But everybody knows the weather
phone's just the fax machine.

( watercooler gurgling )

You combine that
split-level jet stream

with a high pressure system
swooping down from Canada,

and you've got classic
tornado weather

and possible wildfire
conditions.

I'll be tracking
the developments

and keep you posted.

Weather can be tracked?

He's good.

There are parts
of this forest...

Wow, zero percent chance
of charm or what, huh?

( sighs )

How could we be defeated
by a man named Irv?

Oh, would you calm down.

Nancy, you may look like
a Southern belle,

but deep inside you are
pure Rottweiler.

Think of how many lives
you ruined in high school.

Heck, I've seen you break up
entire baby showers

with one catty remark.

You're right.

Irv's not going to know
what hit him.

HANK:
Steak's on.

Bobby, what in the heck
is wrong with you?

Sorry, Dad.

I'm just a little on edge
because of this bully at school.

Well, what's he doing to you?

Indian burns? Towel snaps?

Those are the ones
you got to be careful of.

No, he's jumping out
and scaring me.

Well, how's he doing that?

Is he big for his age?

Or does he have some of those
Chinese fighting sticks?

No. He jumps out
and makes a weird noise.

Oh. Well, we're not going
to the principal on this one.

Okay, we've been
through this before.

You need to fake
with your right

and jab him
with your left.

Come on. Try it.

( grunting ineffectually )

Why don't you find his schedule
and try to stay away from him?

Hey, there, Irv-y Derv.

So you must have
some wild stories

about your days
at Texas Tech.

Ever have a few drinks,

start roughhousing with some
of your frat brothers...

maybe in the shower...

and things got
a little out of hand?

You remember when

that arctic air blast
came through?

You know, the one
that had

all that heavy backlash precip
behind it?

Well, me and my buddies stood
outside all night long

to understand what seven degrees
Fahrenheit felt like.

I mean, sure, we
could've just found

some walk-in freezer,
but it's not the same.

It must be nerve-racking going
on air for the first time.

Do you ever get scared

that you will freeze up
on camera

and just stand there
with nothing to say?

Oh, there's always
something to say

about the weather around here.

Tornadoes, cyclones,

floods,

heat waves,
of course...

not to mention hurricanes.

Show time, Irv.

All right!

( no audible dialogue )

Oh, my God, your nose is huge.

I do have a honker,
don't I?

You sure do.

And the camera
adds ten pounds,

but I'm sure it won't
all go to your nose.

Whoo, it's gonna be
a hot one today, folks.

So find some shade

wherever you can.

Hey, I bet my nose
could shade most
of South Arlen.

( chuckles )

You might want
to back up camera one,

because I'm about to turn here.

( laughter )

I bet I'm a rhinoplastician's
dream.

Don't you mean rhinoceros?

I mean rhinoplastician.

You know...

rhinoplasty?

By a plastic surgeon?

But with this nose,

I'm probably
a rhinoceros's dream, too.

( laughter )
Good one.

High five, Miguel.

Huh... I never really knew
what they meant

when they said
mild weather,

but dang if it doesn't
feel mild out here.

Damn that
Irv Bennett.

It's like he makes the weather.

Him and those damn machines
of his.

This guy's got to go.

If he keeps this up,
they're gonna fire Nancy.

If they fire Nancy,

she won't be able
to keep paying me

to sit around the house
and do nothing.

You know, Dale,
you could help out

by cutting down
on your expenses.

Maybe instead
of buying more guns

you can enjoy
the ones you have.

Or maybe I could just help Nancy
get rid of this guy.

It's time to give him a scare

like so many possums
have given me.

Last night
I watched the news

and pretended Irv
and I were talking.

He'd say,
"How 'bout that weather?"

and I'd say, "It's fine, Irv.

Would you like
some Swiss Miss pudding?"

MIGUEL:
Iss-ton-bowl...

Ees-tin-ball.

Today the mayor
of Ees-ton-bowl...

( phone ringing )

Irv Bennett's desk.

DISTORTED VOICE:
Get out, weather man!

A pain front is coming!

Leave town!

Dale?

Nancy?

What are you doing, Dale?

Getting rid of Irv for you.

Could you leave a message
I called?

Not me, but me!

TOM:
Attention, everybody!

Irv just informed me
we've got a wildfire!

Now, listen up:

I want us ready to go
to News Team coverage

as soon as this Seinfeld ends!

Miguel, you'll lead
and throw to Irv,

who'll be here in studio.

We need all hands
on this one, people!

Where do you want me?

You can head home.

We might need
to use your desk

in case the cameramen
need to sleep in shifts.

Are those the pants
you went to school in?

No, Dad.

Jimmy Bearden scared me,
and I peed myself,

so they gave me
"lost and found" pants.

Are you happy?

No. What happened?

( sighs )

You know that little conveyor
belt in the cafeteria

that takes your tray?

He was on it!

( sighs )

Get in the truck, Bobby.

We're going to fix
your problem for good.

Ohh...

Go change your pants, son.

TV ANNOUNCER:
And now

Action News
from Channel 84's news team:

Miguel Hernandez,

Don Ringle with sports,

and meteorologist Irv Bennett

with the latest
on the wildfires.

Oh, you call that
a turnaround?

Tell me, can that
compare to this?

PEGGY:
Wow.

That is almost
too powerful in person.

Oh, thanks, sug,

but I know I'm finished
as a weather gal.

I don't even know
if I want to work
in an industry

that values brains
over beauty.

So you're just gonna give up?

That's not the Nancy
I know.

When are you going
to learn

that the real Doppler
is in here?

And that if you want
to keep your job,

you're going to have to do
everything in your power

to fight for it.

What do you mean?
Kill Irv?

No! Use the fire.

To kill Irv?

No!

Nancy, you cannot wait

for them to bring
the news to you.

You have to go out
and find it.

We'll go cover the fire
and force the station to see

how much of an asset you are.

Yeah...

Dale! Get out
of the hot tub!

We're stealing
a news van!

DALE:
It's the perfect crime!

How will they ever
report it?

The thing is, Mr. Bearden,

your son
has left Bobby here,

uh, severely startled
on several occasions.

Where is Jimmy anyway?

You didn't see him outside?

He said he was going outside!

I'm sorry, Mr. Hill.

He does the same thing to me.

I can't help you.

Okay, it looks like you've got
a straight shot to your truck.

Watch out when you pass
that mailbox, though.

That kid can wedge himself
into anything.

( barking )
( screams )

Gotcha!
( laughs )

Okay. If we get stopped,
Nancy, you work here,

I'm looking
for directions,

and Peggy, you're
my shy assistant
with a speech impediment.

Go.

( people shouting )
( sirens wailing )

The scene here is one
of controlled frenzy.

Hola, señor.

I am Miguel Hernandez,
here to cover el fuego de wild.

Perfect.

You know the drill.

Stay in the media area.

NANCY:
Oh, forget it, sugs.

Everyone's already here.

And Lucy Murphy
from Channel 7

is wearing the same jacket I am.

What am I gonna get
that they won't?

You cannot give up now.

We already stole a van.

We have got
more initiative.

We're better than these sheep!

Yeah, you can barely
see the fire from here.

Let's go to where
you can hardly see here
from the fire!

Ooh, there's

an access road.
Drive up it

real casual like.

Got ya.

( Dale humming )

( laughing )

Oh, while those chumps
are down there looking at smoke,

we'll be in the heart
of the action.

The forecast for my career:
hot, hot, hot!

( cheering and yelling )

I am so excited!

They said I was just
a flash in the pan.

Well, now I am
in the pan, sug.

I am in the pan!

People might lose their homes,
but you will get your job back.

At least something good
will come out of this.

It's like smoking
every cigarette

I've ever smoked
all at once.

( inhales )

( coughing )

And it's smooth.

Oh, will you look:

that eagle is carrying
that rabbit out of harm's way.

Disaster brings out the best
in everyone.

Come on.
Let's get broadcasting.

Oh, my God,
that tree's on fire!

Nancy, go.

Go stand in front of it!

You're on!

No, this is not a home movie
in hell.

This is Nancy Hicks-Gribble
reporting live

from the scene
of the Heimlich wildfire.

Tonight's forecast
is for mid-70s

in the tri-county area

and the high 250s near here
in the heart of the blaze.

( loud crackling )

( gasps, whimpers )

The fire is being fueled

by extraordinarily
dry conditions.

There are parts
of this forest

that haven't seen...

What's Nancy
doing out there?

As you can see behind me--

as well as in front of me,
and on either side--

what once was mere heat
is now actual fire.

Oh, oh, oh...

As our more observant viewers
can probably hear,

I'm having trouble breathing
with all the smoke.

My tongue has dried out and is
starting to stick to my teeth.

Either my eye
or my eyepiece is melting!

( screaming )

Well, that's probably
Mother Nature's way

of giving us
the wrap-it-up sign.

This has been
Nancy Hicks-Gribble...

No! No, not "has been"--
"still is"!

Keep going, Nancy!

We need our money shot!

There's your money shot.

Happy?!

Okay, let's get to the van.

But we have to keep rolling,
people!

How do we get

this on there...

and that off there?

We interrupt our Wildfire Watch
coverage to bring you...

Really? I thought
she was at home.

To put it in layman's terms,

imagine crawling
in your own fireplace

while it's burning.

I want to see this footage

on every promo from now

until the Christmas toy drive.

And someone probably should tell
the fire department about them.

DALE:
Nancy,

the van's on fire!

NANCY:
Oh, my gosh!

Show it...

show it...

Yes!

Got dang it!

How'd we lose them?

The van exploded.

I could drive
another van up there!

We already have another van
in the media area.

Uplink it! I want to be
seeing fire, not hearing you.

The fire's everywhere, sug!

We're never gonna get out!

Oh, God!
( sobbing )

Baby, I always hoped
we'd die together.

Peggy,

you go die over there.

I don't want to die!

I just want to read
the weather.

Don't be silly.

We can't die if we're on TV.

They'd never air it!

( sobbing )

I don't care anymore!

I'm scared!

And I don't want
to go to heaven

with brown roots!

We've got picture!

( cheering )

( sobbing )

( whooping )

Gimme five?

The Arlen and McMaynerbury
Fire Departments

report that during
the containment of the blaze,

several horses in the area

had to be airlifted out.

In a related story,

so did our own
Nancy Hicks-Gribble...

( sobbing )

Now, son, you can't
keep scaring people like this.

Pretty soon you'll be
too big to squeeze

into the ductwork.

( shrieks )

Bwaagh!

( shrieks )

So are you gonna stop
scaring my boy?

'Cause I've got a wife
who likes to hide and yell, too.

Well, glad you learned
your lesson, Jimmy.

Oh, crap.

Where'd he go?

( Luanne sobbing ):
I don't wanna die.

I just wanna read the weather.

You steal a news van.

A bunch of equipment.

And destroy it all.

I feel so stupid.

I wish I was in that van
when it exploded.

Are you kidding? You put
Channel 84 on the map.

We've got more
requests

for that footage
of you blubbering

than of that panda
baby at the zoo.

Really?

I want to reposition
Nancy Hicks-Gribble

as an integral part
of the Channel 84 team.

So, I'm back on weather?

No.

It turns out
people really do care

about accurate weather.

Irv's not gonna go anywhere,

but people did
respond to you.

What's left for me to do?

I dunno. News?

So it looks like
the Arlen Jaycees

are going to be having
that potato-sack race indoors.

Now, I'd like to welcome a new
addition to the anchor desk,

but it's a face
you already know.

Say hello to our new co-anchor,
Nancy Hicks-Gribble.

Thanks, Irv.

It's great to be a part
of the team, sug.

Have you been
feeling itchy lately?

We may have the reason why.

It has nothing to do
with the Barbecue Hut

off I-10. Delicious.

Peggy, you go die
over there.