King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 9, Episode 12 - Smoking and the Bandit - full transcript
Dale poses as The Smoking Bandit, a masked marauder who goes around to several Arlen businesses violating their anti-smoking regulations.
See, Dale,
I'm a man of my word.
You didn't cry when you got
your tetanus shot,
so ice cream's on me.
How much will you guys give me
if I literally scream
for ice cream?
Dude, let's run
back and forth!
( making engine noises )
Bobby! Never run
in a parking lot!
Those cars look parked,
but they could be driven
by slow-moving seniors.
Yes, sir.
Sorry, Dad.
( makes engine noises )
Joseph, stop that.
Yeah, in a minute.
( makes engine noises )
Joseph, cut that out!
It's dangerous.
Okay. Sorry, Mr. Hill.
Don't make Hank
have to tell you again.
Okay, we're gonna
take the hill.
But I'm
scared, so...
We're all
scared, Sarge.
Move up the hill
right now!
Son, mind your
table manners.
Okay. But what about Ma?
I'll write your mom
when you get back.
Son, I think I asked you...
WAITRESS:
Oh, you gotta
put that out.
No more smoking
in restaurants, remember?
Excuse me?
Miss, this is Texas.
Arlen passed that no-smoking
ballot initiative, Dale.
Let me just finish this one.
Put it out.
But... But my rights...
I surrender!
Hut, two, three,
back in line, son...
Outrageous.
Sure, today it's us smokers,
but who tomorrow?
Pudgy white guys with
strange propane fixations?
Dale, that smoking ban
barely squeaked by.
But it did pass,
so it's the law.
That's awfully convenient.
Especially since I didn't vote.
I voted.
I guessed right four
out of five times.
All right, everyone, settle.
It's assignment time.
Okay, Peggy, you're all set
with your Waffle House beat.
Yeah, about that, Roddy Rae.
I was thinking this week,
instead of writing
something unimportant,
I could cover
something important.
Change of pace.
Sorry, Peg.
Now, everyone else:
The crossing guards are about to
have a major contract dispute.
I call it! It's mine! Me!
Peggy, no.
I need a seasoned hand on this.
Jenkins, you've got the touch.
Wanna look into
this monkey business?
Monkey business
is my business.
DALE:
Uh, Joseph?
Yeah?
Don't you think
you've been
in there kind
of a long time?
I 'unno.
It's been 40 minutes.
Maybe other people need
to use the bathroom, too.
Get out of the
bathroom, sug.
Sure, Mom.
When you're done,
come get me.
I don't know
where I'll be.
( sighs )
Aren't you supposed to be
reporting on the Waffle House?
Why waste my time?
I can file my story now:
"Nothing Happened. Again."
Roddy Rae hits
the "delete" key,
and we are done
for another week.
( doorbell rings )
Oh, hey, Hank.
Listen, I just had sort
of a quick question.
How do I get my
son to respect me?
Well, boys need their dads
to be strong role models.
You just need to,
you know... be a man.
Dammit, Hank,
I'm 42 years old.
It's kind of late for
me to start the whole
"being a man" thing.
Is there a short-cut,
or at least a, a Web site?
No.
This is gonna be tough.
I can't even take that
like a man.
MAN:
Son? Would you
reach me the toast?
Sure thing, Pop.
Bastards.
Sorry, honey, you
can't smoke in here.
Can you let it go, ma'am?
I've had kind of a bad day.
The lady told you
to put that out.
You got a problem?
Yes, I do!
I need my smoke!
So no, sir,
I will not put this out.
I am a powerful, functional
adult at the peak of his life,
who demands to be heard!
My voice is a flame that cannot
be extinguished!
Give me smoking,
or give me death!
( phone rings )
Jenkins here.
At the Waffle House, eh?
Hmm. Let me see if this
pony has legs...
PEGGY:
Oh! Damn that Bob Jenkins!
Listen to this: "Smoking Bandit
Lights Up Controversy."
"Smoking Bandit"?
What's that mean?
"A mysterious Man of Menthol
"has declared a
'Battle of the Butts,'
"standing up for
the smoking community
in a defiant yakkity-yakkity,
around 9:00 p.m. last ni..."
( groans )
At the Waffle House!
That is my beat, the thief!
HANK:
9:00?
Hey, isn't that about the time
you were eating waffles here?
Get this, sugs:
"And the Sheriff vows to
prosecute this rogue,
to the fullest
extent of the law."
Wow.
The... the fullest
extent of the law?
Mm-hmm.
That's what the Sheriff vows.
But... our extent
is pretty full.
We have a death penalty
in this state.
And we're not afraid to use it.
Can you imagine, sug?
Whoever this cowboy is,
he's in a lot of hot water.
Well, not yet. I mean, no one
took his picture, right?
Or did they? Did they...
did they get a description?
Let's see...
Only that he was
"as slim and white
as the cigarette he
so boldly enjoyed..."
Gaah, what have I done?
I've really Gribbled myself
this time!
Don't you stare at me like that!
This is more heat
than I can handle.
Okay, stay calm.
Just burn the evidence.
You've done it before.
Ah, that's better.
No-no-no!
Wrong, wrong, wrong!
We'll just... destroy
the evidence another way.
No one will suspect
Dale Gribble,
if Dale Gribble isn't a smoker.
Genius.
See? That's why I'm out here,
and you're the ones in the tank.
Yep.
DALE:
Morning, Bill.
Just taking out some garbage,
as per my usual routine...
Yup.
Morning, boys.
Morning, Mr. Gribble.
Hey, Dad.
Nothing to see here, boys.
Carry on.
You wanna melt some Legos?
Eh, maybe.
There's a cool thing
in the paper
about this Smoking Bandit guy.
BOBBY:
Yeah, I heard
about that.
He sounded so cool.
He doesn't let
the Waffle House
tell him how
to live his life.
So, you really look up
to him?
This Bandit fellow?
Oh, you're still here?
I just realized,
there's something
important in here
that's needed back
at the house.
See you later, Joseph.
Your Dad can be
kind of weird sometimes.
Yeah. Let's go spit
into some ant holes.
( snoring )
( people chattering )
Welcome to Attaché.
Do you have a reservation?
Oh... I'll just
be at the bar.
Evening.
What can I get ya?
How about...
an ashtray, my good man?
Hey! You can't do that in here!
Can't do what?
Savor the fresh, smoky
air of sweet liberty?
Go ahead-- sic your
storm-troopers on me.
Of course, average police
response time
is roughly 28 minutes, while I
am done in less than three.
Hmm.
I am the Smoking Bandit!
See you in
the history books, people.
This is strictly
a denim-and-leather bar.
You need to be wearing
both denim and leather.
Gentlemen, I truly regret
not meeting your dress code.
But I can't say I am
sorry about this.
( gasping )
Oh!
( panting and coughing )
Wow.
Yeah.
Yep.
Yup.
Bill, get that dang cigarette
out of your mouth.
I'm not smoking it.
I just like the look.
I'm told it's very "Bandit."
All I can say is, I wish I had
the Smoking Bandit's courage.
He's the Rosa Parks of nicotine.
He's a hero,
just like the guy
who rides his bicycle
faster than French people.
I bet he smokes, too.
No, the Bandit's
just a jackass, Bill.
And he's breaking the law.
Did you forget about that?
( sighs )
Why do people idolize
these bad-boy idiots?
Well, you know, man,
some of them talkin'
'bout them dang ol',
mysterious charm...
You know, I-I have no idea, man.
People just got no sense, man,
dang ol' fact.
Exactly. You can't pick
and choose
what laws you want to obey.
Sure, I'd like to tape
a baseball game
Sure, I'd like to tape
a baseball game
without the express
written consent
without the express
written consent
of Major League Baseball,
but that's just not
the way it works.
Hello, Joseph.
How's it going?
Did you hear?
The Smoking Bandit struck again.
They say he stopped
a Shoney's from getting robbed,
then he smoked in it!
( sighs )
( chuckles )
Hey, Joseph.
So, that Bandit's
pretty cool, huh?
I bet you'd like
a dad like that.
Yeah, but... uh...
So... what if I were to tell you
I was the Bandit?
( snorts )
Yeah, right.
What if I told you
I was an elephant?
No, really, I am.
See?
Wow...
You just made smoking
seem uncool.
Well, it's late.
You should start
getting ready for bed.
Nah, I'm gonna go watch TV.
I bet he'd listen to you.
( whispers ):
Need to talk.
Are you serious?
( whispers ):
In a minute.
Well, give me the details, man.
Manners!
The Waffle House
was my beat, Jenkins.
The Bandit is my story,
and I want it!
Ah, Peggy,
I feel terrible.
I'll tell you where the
bandit will strike next...
Oh!
Channel 84.
He sent in a tape.
Some sort of video manifesto.
They always leave us
for television.
I am not
giving up on this.
Well, I am.
MIGUEL HERNANDEZ ( on TV ):
We just received a tape
from Arlen's notorious
Smoking Bandit.
Your hero the bandit is on TV
with an important message.
Let's watch it together,
as father and son.
Dad. Hand.
HERNANDEZ:
The Bandit has apparently
scrambled his voice
to conceal his identity.
( squeaky, honking gibberish)
Oh, I don't
understand him.
Uh, it's clear as day!
"It's cool to respect
your dad and like him."
( high-pitched garbled speech)
Now he's saying,
"Real rebels are the rebels
who obey their fathers."
( scoffing ):
Yeah...
( sighing )
Look at me, I'm
the Celery Bandit.
Dude, you're missing
the message.
You're not like the Bandit
when you smoke.
You're like him when
you break the law and run away.
I'm listening.
He fights back.
He disobeys unfair stuff,
like, like homework,
a-and math tests,
and girls who tell other girls
that I'm a dork.
Math is so unfair!
How are kids like us supposed
to know all those answers?
Yeah. No one
has the right
to teach us stuff
we don't wanna learn.
That's what our Bill of
Constitution's all about!
( gasps )
Okay, books away
for the quiz.
Take one and hand
the rest back.
Bobby? Joseph?
Did you two hear me?
We're not giving out
your stupid quiz.
Yeah! We're the
Math Quiz Bandits!
Uh, no.
How it works is,
you take one,
and then pass the rest back.
Quizzes are unfair
to kids who don't
like math!
Yeah!
You take your stupid quiz!
( both laughing )
Okay... now what?
HANK:
Got dang it, mister,
you're gonna explain yourself
this minute!
Look at me
when I'm talking to you!
You see this,
Hank?
I can't have them spreading
this "Bandit" nonsense
to the rest
of the kids.
They're suspended.
It's that dang
Smoking Bandit idiot.
He's a bad influence!
Yeah.
The Bandit is making
my own son defy me even more.
It's pretty ironic.
How is that ironic?
Oh, well, uh...
I'm probably just
misusing the word ironic,
as people so often do.
You know what?
For our kids' sake,
the two of us have to
hunt this jackass down
and turn him over
to the authorities.
( clears throat )
Yeah, this week
is a little busy for me.
You want Joseph to look
up to you, right?
Well, bringing
in the Bandit
is how you're gonna earn
your son's respect.
Uh... of course.
I... I can't wait to see
the look on his face.
You know,
I don't really see why
we have to go after the Bandit.
This is one of those things
that's funner to talk about
than actually do.
( horn blaring )
( rap music blasting )
That is why we're
going after this guy.
Where are you boys
off to?
To catch the Bandit.
Oh, I started some fresh ice,
so don't jostle the trays.
Roddy Rae?
Hold the front page!
Headline: "Peggy Hill Captures
Smoking Bandit!"
Well, no, not yet.
Well, I have to capture him
first.
I can't believe we'll
get to meet the bandit!
Do you think he's a match
man or a lighter man?
If he beats up our dads,
do you think he'll let us
live with him?
Sure, he's a hero
to you now,
but when we rip that cigarette
out of that guy's mouth,
he'll probably
stick his thumb in it.
Right, Dale?
( stammering )
Okay,
here's Attaché.
Let's get started.
But that was one of the Bandit's
first strikes.
You think he's likely
to repeat himself?
Don't they say criminals
always return
to the scene of the crime?
Uh, not if they don't
want to get caught, Hank.
What do you think we should do?
Well, if you study
the Bandit's hits,
he strikes north to south
in a childish grid formation,
so we should try...
there.
Yo. Can't let you in
wearing work boots.
That's why I wear
black patent leather
rubber soled
watchmen's oxfords.
Classy, easy to run in,
and they satisfy all
but the most discriminating
of doormen.
Huh.
You know a lot about bars
and shoes.
Okay, now we move deeper
into the night.
Everyone put on
your leather work gloves,
in case he's a biter.
Hey, your dad hunts
people like animals.
Yeah. Cool.
Your name's
not on the list.
Excuse me, you do
not know my name.
Okay,
what's your name?
Peggy Hill, Arlen Bystander.
Not on the list.
So, it's like that?
All right, mister,
I lied.
My name is Anna Beth
Fitzwater.
Go on, check the list.
You're not on it.
Fine.
I'm really Professor
Helen Marriot Booth,
and I've got all night.
Okay, kids,
let's assess.
The Bandit wants his smoking
to be noticed.
That club's dance floor
has a smoke machine.
Would the Bandit
strike there?
No, sir.
He'd go somewhere more...
somewhere else.
Smart lad.
So, do we move down the street
in formation, or not?
Um... I, I, I think,
uh... no?
Exactly!
Because we don't want to look
like we're searching for him.
What should we do?
You want me
to tell you what to do...
so you can do it?
Well, yeah, dude.
I mean, Dad.
Uh... give me a second.
I think I just got
a bottle cap in my eye.
All right, what do you say
we call it a night?
But I still want
to meet the Bandit!
Yeah, I want to see him
get his smoke on.
Look, Dale, I know Joseph
is acting right tonight,
but he still idolizes
this guy.
If we don't finish this job,
you're going to be right back
to where you were last week.
Stuck outside
my own bathroom.
But catching this guy
is gonna be hard.
Or maybe not.
Tell you what:
I'm gonna head in there,
on a scouting mission.
Son, hold these for me.
You guys meet me
in the alley.
Hello?
Anyone here?
No.
Perfect.
DALE:
Hank, quick!
I found the Bandit!
He dropped this,
then fled into the john.
I'm going in.
Kids, guard the door.
Hank, make sure that bartender
doesn't butt in.
Be careful, Dad.
Okay, Bandit... freeze!
( shouting, grunting )
Oh, yeah?
( grunting )
Take that!
( crying )
I caught him
wriggling out the window.
He's kind of pitiful.
Maybe we should let him go.
No way! Hey, let's
give him a swirly!
Let's give him
an atomic wedgie!
Or let him go.
Dang it, Dale, the whole
point of coming out here
was to show the boys
this guy's sniveling,
frightened face.
( sniveling )
Uh... uh, yeah.
Well, maybe we, uh, maybe we
should let the Bandit go.
But does the Bandit swear
that he will never, ever do
anything this asinine again
or I will kick his ass?
Hold on, I'll ask him.
Bandit,
do you understand,
so on and so forth?
He's nodding in agreement.
DALE:
Go on! Git!
Aw, quit your crying
and just scram.
The Bandit is gone.
For good.
To make sure,
I confiscated his cigs.
I can't believe I thought
the Bandit was cool.
You know who's cool?
That rapper with the
bullet in his nose--
Bullet Nose.
Yeah, one wrong sneeze
and the whole joint goes up.
The bullets will still
be there tomorrow, kids.
But right now,
it's bedtime.
After flossing
and eating
your vegetables.
Sure, Dad.
Okay.
Priscilla Pemelman.
These kids are getting antsy.
Not on the list.
Constance Keegan.
No.
Elizabeth Sangwood
Thatherton
Millicent "Millie"
Mitchell-Waterburg,
Duchess of...
Fine.
$12 cover.
Oh... I don't have any money.
DALE: See you in
the history books, people.
I'm a man of my word.
You didn't cry when you got
your tetanus shot,
so ice cream's on me.
How much will you guys give me
if I literally scream
for ice cream?
Dude, let's run
back and forth!
( making engine noises )
Bobby! Never run
in a parking lot!
Those cars look parked,
but they could be driven
by slow-moving seniors.
Yes, sir.
Sorry, Dad.
( makes engine noises )
Joseph, stop that.
Yeah, in a minute.
( makes engine noises )
Joseph, cut that out!
It's dangerous.
Okay. Sorry, Mr. Hill.
Don't make Hank
have to tell you again.
Okay, we're gonna
take the hill.
But I'm
scared, so...
We're all
scared, Sarge.
Move up the hill
right now!
Son, mind your
table manners.
Okay. But what about Ma?
I'll write your mom
when you get back.
Son, I think I asked you...
WAITRESS:
Oh, you gotta
put that out.
No more smoking
in restaurants, remember?
Excuse me?
Miss, this is Texas.
Arlen passed that no-smoking
ballot initiative, Dale.
Let me just finish this one.
Put it out.
But... But my rights...
I surrender!
Hut, two, three,
back in line, son...
Outrageous.
Sure, today it's us smokers,
but who tomorrow?
Pudgy white guys with
strange propane fixations?
Dale, that smoking ban
barely squeaked by.
But it did pass,
so it's the law.
That's awfully convenient.
Especially since I didn't vote.
I voted.
I guessed right four
out of five times.
All right, everyone, settle.
It's assignment time.
Okay, Peggy, you're all set
with your Waffle House beat.
Yeah, about that, Roddy Rae.
I was thinking this week,
instead of writing
something unimportant,
I could cover
something important.
Change of pace.
Sorry, Peg.
Now, everyone else:
The crossing guards are about to
have a major contract dispute.
I call it! It's mine! Me!
Peggy, no.
I need a seasoned hand on this.
Jenkins, you've got the touch.
Wanna look into
this monkey business?
Monkey business
is my business.
DALE:
Uh, Joseph?
Yeah?
Don't you think
you've been
in there kind
of a long time?
I 'unno.
It's been 40 minutes.
Maybe other people need
to use the bathroom, too.
Get out of the
bathroom, sug.
Sure, Mom.
When you're done,
come get me.
I don't know
where I'll be.
( sighs )
Aren't you supposed to be
reporting on the Waffle House?
Why waste my time?
I can file my story now:
"Nothing Happened. Again."
Roddy Rae hits
the "delete" key,
and we are done
for another week.
( doorbell rings )
Oh, hey, Hank.
Listen, I just had sort
of a quick question.
How do I get my
son to respect me?
Well, boys need their dads
to be strong role models.
You just need to,
you know... be a man.
Dammit, Hank,
I'm 42 years old.
It's kind of late for
me to start the whole
"being a man" thing.
Is there a short-cut,
or at least a, a Web site?
No.
This is gonna be tough.
I can't even take that
like a man.
MAN:
Son? Would you
reach me the toast?
Sure thing, Pop.
Bastards.
Sorry, honey, you
can't smoke in here.
Can you let it go, ma'am?
I've had kind of a bad day.
The lady told you
to put that out.
You got a problem?
Yes, I do!
I need my smoke!
So no, sir,
I will not put this out.
I am a powerful, functional
adult at the peak of his life,
who demands to be heard!
My voice is a flame that cannot
be extinguished!
Give me smoking,
or give me death!
( phone rings )
Jenkins here.
At the Waffle House, eh?
Hmm. Let me see if this
pony has legs...
PEGGY:
Oh! Damn that Bob Jenkins!
Listen to this: "Smoking Bandit
Lights Up Controversy."
"Smoking Bandit"?
What's that mean?
"A mysterious Man of Menthol
"has declared a
'Battle of the Butts,'
"standing up for
the smoking community
in a defiant yakkity-yakkity,
around 9:00 p.m. last ni..."
( groans )
At the Waffle House!
That is my beat, the thief!
HANK:
9:00?
Hey, isn't that about the time
you were eating waffles here?
Get this, sugs:
"And the Sheriff vows to
prosecute this rogue,
to the fullest
extent of the law."
Wow.
The... the fullest
extent of the law?
Mm-hmm.
That's what the Sheriff vows.
But... our extent
is pretty full.
We have a death penalty
in this state.
And we're not afraid to use it.
Can you imagine, sug?
Whoever this cowboy is,
he's in a lot of hot water.
Well, not yet. I mean, no one
took his picture, right?
Or did they? Did they...
did they get a description?
Let's see...
Only that he was
"as slim and white
as the cigarette he
so boldly enjoyed..."
Gaah, what have I done?
I've really Gribbled myself
this time!
Don't you stare at me like that!
This is more heat
than I can handle.
Okay, stay calm.
Just burn the evidence.
You've done it before.
Ah, that's better.
No-no-no!
Wrong, wrong, wrong!
We'll just... destroy
the evidence another way.
No one will suspect
Dale Gribble,
if Dale Gribble isn't a smoker.
Genius.
See? That's why I'm out here,
and you're the ones in the tank.
Yep.
DALE:
Morning, Bill.
Just taking out some garbage,
as per my usual routine...
Yup.
Morning, boys.
Morning, Mr. Gribble.
Hey, Dad.
Nothing to see here, boys.
Carry on.
You wanna melt some Legos?
Eh, maybe.
There's a cool thing
in the paper
about this Smoking Bandit guy.
BOBBY:
Yeah, I heard
about that.
He sounded so cool.
He doesn't let
the Waffle House
tell him how
to live his life.
So, you really look up
to him?
This Bandit fellow?
Oh, you're still here?
I just realized,
there's something
important in here
that's needed back
at the house.
See you later, Joseph.
Your Dad can be
kind of weird sometimes.
Yeah. Let's go spit
into some ant holes.
( snoring )
( people chattering )
Welcome to Attaché.
Do you have a reservation?
Oh... I'll just
be at the bar.
Evening.
What can I get ya?
How about...
an ashtray, my good man?
Hey! You can't do that in here!
Can't do what?
Savor the fresh, smoky
air of sweet liberty?
Go ahead-- sic your
storm-troopers on me.
Of course, average police
response time
is roughly 28 minutes, while I
am done in less than three.
Hmm.
I am the Smoking Bandit!
See you in
the history books, people.
This is strictly
a denim-and-leather bar.
You need to be wearing
both denim and leather.
Gentlemen, I truly regret
not meeting your dress code.
But I can't say I am
sorry about this.
( gasping )
Oh!
( panting and coughing )
Wow.
Yeah.
Yep.
Yup.
Bill, get that dang cigarette
out of your mouth.
I'm not smoking it.
I just like the look.
I'm told it's very "Bandit."
All I can say is, I wish I had
the Smoking Bandit's courage.
He's the Rosa Parks of nicotine.
He's a hero,
just like the guy
who rides his bicycle
faster than French people.
I bet he smokes, too.
No, the Bandit's
just a jackass, Bill.
And he's breaking the law.
Did you forget about that?
( sighs )
Why do people idolize
these bad-boy idiots?
Well, you know, man,
some of them talkin'
'bout them dang ol',
mysterious charm...
You know, I-I have no idea, man.
People just got no sense, man,
dang ol' fact.
Exactly. You can't pick
and choose
what laws you want to obey.
Sure, I'd like to tape
a baseball game
Sure, I'd like to tape
a baseball game
without the express
written consent
without the express
written consent
of Major League Baseball,
but that's just not
the way it works.
Hello, Joseph.
How's it going?
Did you hear?
The Smoking Bandit struck again.
They say he stopped
a Shoney's from getting robbed,
then he smoked in it!
( sighs )
( chuckles )
Hey, Joseph.
So, that Bandit's
pretty cool, huh?
I bet you'd like
a dad like that.
Yeah, but... uh...
So... what if I were to tell you
I was the Bandit?
( snorts )
Yeah, right.
What if I told you
I was an elephant?
No, really, I am.
See?
Wow...
You just made smoking
seem uncool.
Well, it's late.
You should start
getting ready for bed.
Nah, I'm gonna go watch TV.
I bet he'd listen to you.
( whispers ):
Need to talk.
Are you serious?
( whispers ):
In a minute.
Well, give me the details, man.
Manners!
The Waffle House
was my beat, Jenkins.
The Bandit is my story,
and I want it!
Ah, Peggy,
I feel terrible.
I'll tell you where the
bandit will strike next...
Oh!
Channel 84.
He sent in a tape.
Some sort of video manifesto.
They always leave us
for television.
I am not
giving up on this.
Well, I am.
MIGUEL HERNANDEZ ( on TV ):
We just received a tape
from Arlen's notorious
Smoking Bandit.
Your hero the bandit is on TV
with an important message.
Let's watch it together,
as father and son.
Dad. Hand.
HERNANDEZ:
The Bandit has apparently
scrambled his voice
to conceal his identity.
( squeaky, honking gibberish)
Oh, I don't
understand him.
Uh, it's clear as day!
"It's cool to respect
your dad and like him."
( high-pitched garbled speech)
Now he's saying,
"Real rebels are the rebels
who obey their fathers."
( scoffing ):
Yeah...
( sighing )
Look at me, I'm
the Celery Bandit.
Dude, you're missing
the message.
You're not like the Bandit
when you smoke.
You're like him when
you break the law and run away.
I'm listening.
He fights back.
He disobeys unfair stuff,
like, like homework,
a-and math tests,
and girls who tell other girls
that I'm a dork.
Math is so unfair!
How are kids like us supposed
to know all those answers?
Yeah. No one
has the right
to teach us stuff
we don't wanna learn.
That's what our Bill of
Constitution's all about!
( gasps )
Okay, books away
for the quiz.
Take one and hand
the rest back.
Bobby? Joseph?
Did you two hear me?
We're not giving out
your stupid quiz.
Yeah! We're the
Math Quiz Bandits!
Uh, no.
How it works is,
you take one,
and then pass the rest back.
Quizzes are unfair
to kids who don't
like math!
Yeah!
You take your stupid quiz!
( both laughing )
Okay... now what?
HANK:
Got dang it, mister,
you're gonna explain yourself
this minute!
Look at me
when I'm talking to you!
You see this,
Hank?
I can't have them spreading
this "Bandit" nonsense
to the rest
of the kids.
They're suspended.
It's that dang
Smoking Bandit idiot.
He's a bad influence!
Yeah.
The Bandit is making
my own son defy me even more.
It's pretty ironic.
How is that ironic?
Oh, well, uh...
I'm probably just
misusing the word ironic,
as people so often do.
You know what?
For our kids' sake,
the two of us have to
hunt this jackass down
and turn him over
to the authorities.
( clears throat )
Yeah, this week
is a little busy for me.
You want Joseph to look
up to you, right?
Well, bringing
in the Bandit
is how you're gonna earn
your son's respect.
Uh... of course.
I... I can't wait to see
the look on his face.
You know,
I don't really see why
we have to go after the Bandit.
This is one of those things
that's funner to talk about
than actually do.
( horn blaring )
( rap music blasting )
That is why we're
going after this guy.
Where are you boys
off to?
To catch the Bandit.
Oh, I started some fresh ice,
so don't jostle the trays.
Roddy Rae?
Hold the front page!
Headline: "Peggy Hill Captures
Smoking Bandit!"
Well, no, not yet.
Well, I have to capture him
first.
I can't believe we'll
get to meet the bandit!
Do you think he's a match
man or a lighter man?
If he beats up our dads,
do you think he'll let us
live with him?
Sure, he's a hero
to you now,
but when we rip that cigarette
out of that guy's mouth,
he'll probably
stick his thumb in it.
Right, Dale?
( stammering )
Okay,
here's Attaché.
Let's get started.
But that was one of the Bandit's
first strikes.
You think he's likely
to repeat himself?
Don't they say criminals
always return
to the scene of the crime?
Uh, not if they don't
want to get caught, Hank.
What do you think we should do?
Well, if you study
the Bandit's hits,
he strikes north to south
in a childish grid formation,
so we should try...
there.
Yo. Can't let you in
wearing work boots.
That's why I wear
black patent leather
rubber soled
watchmen's oxfords.
Classy, easy to run in,
and they satisfy all
but the most discriminating
of doormen.
Huh.
You know a lot about bars
and shoes.
Okay, now we move deeper
into the night.
Everyone put on
your leather work gloves,
in case he's a biter.
Hey, your dad hunts
people like animals.
Yeah. Cool.
Your name's
not on the list.
Excuse me, you do
not know my name.
Okay,
what's your name?
Peggy Hill, Arlen Bystander.
Not on the list.
So, it's like that?
All right, mister,
I lied.
My name is Anna Beth
Fitzwater.
Go on, check the list.
You're not on it.
Fine.
I'm really Professor
Helen Marriot Booth,
and I've got all night.
Okay, kids,
let's assess.
The Bandit wants his smoking
to be noticed.
That club's dance floor
has a smoke machine.
Would the Bandit
strike there?
No, sir.
He'd go somewhere more...
somewhere else.
Smart lad.
So, do we move down the street
in formation, or not?
Um... I, I, I think,
uh... no?
Exactly!
Because we don't want to look
like we're searching for him.
What should we do?
You want me
to tell you what to do...
so you can do it?
Well, yeah, dude.
I mean, Dad.
Uh... give me a second.
I think I just got
a bottle cap in my eye.
All right, what do you say
we call it a night?
But I still want
to meet the Bandit!
Yeah, I want to see him
get his smoke on.
Look, Dale, I know Joseph
is acting right tonight,
but he still idolizes
this guy.
If we don't finish this job,
you're going to be right back
to where you were last week.
Stuck outside
my own bathroom.
But catching this guy
is gonna be hard.
Or maybe not.
Tell you what:
I'm gonna head in there,
on a scouting mission.
Son, hold these for me.
You guys meet me
in the alley.
Hello?
Anyone here?
No.
Perfect.
DALE:
Hank, quick!
I found the Bandit!
He dropped this,
then fled into the john.
I'm going in.
Kids, guard the door.
Hank, make sure that bartender
doesn't butt in.
Be careful, Dad.
Okay, Bandit... freeze!
( shouting, grunting )
Oh, yeah?
( grunting )
Take that!
( crying )
I caught him
wriggling out the window.
He's kind of pitiful.
Maybe we should let him go.
No way! Hey, let's
give him a swirly!
Let's give him
an atomic wedgie!
Or let him go.
Dang it, Dale, the whole
point of coming out here
was to show the boys
this guy's sniveling,
frightened face.
( sniveling )
Uh... uh, yeah.
Well, maybe we, uh, maybe we
should let the Bandit go.
But does the Bandit swear
that he will never, ever do
anything this asinine again
or I will kick his ass?
Hold on, I'll ask him.
Bandit,
do you understand,
so on and so forth?
He's nodding in agreement.
DALE:
Go on! Git!
Aw, quit your crying
and just scram.
The Bandit is gone.
For good.
To make sure,
I confiscated his cigs.
I can't believe I thought
the Bandit was cool.
You know who's cool?
That rapper with the
bullet in his nose--
Bullet Nose.
Yeah, one wrong sneeze
and the whole joint goes up.
The bullets will still
be there tomorrow, kids.
But right now,
it's bedtime.
After flossing
and eating
your vegetables.
Sure, Dad.
Okay.
Priscilla Pemelman.
These kids are getting antsy.
Not on the list.
Constance Keegan.
No.
Elizabeth Sangwood
Thatherton
Millicent "Millie"
Mitchell-Waterburg,
Duchess of...
Fine.
$12 cover.
Oh... I don't have any money.
DALE: See you in
the history books, people.