King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 8, Episode 7 - Livin' on Reds, Vitamin C and Propane - full transcript

Merry Christmas, gentlemen.

So, Hank, what's
with the black suit?

Someone die?

Oh, right, someone did die.

Your, uh, Mom's best friend
as I recall.

Well, this is awkward.

Merry Christmas?

Ripped By mstoll

That was Lottie
Bonner's lawyer.

Lottie left me all her
lovely antique furniture.

I'm so touched.



I don't know whether
to laugh or cry.

Uh, so your best bet
is, you know, neither.

Oh, of course,
I'll never be able

to get it back to Arizona.

Well, heck, Mom,

I can move that stuff
out to Arizona for you easy.

Oh, but...

I will be at your door
by Christmas Eve.

Heck, all I have to do
is rent a moving van.

Oh, Hank, are you sure
a van is big enough?

That is a big van.

I'm going to name her
Wondertruck.

Hank, we want to ask
you one question.

You can't come with me
on the trip.



I have a follow-up
question.

Please let us
come on Wondertruck!

The next one who asks to come
won't even get to look at it.

Okay, then.

I know it's more cargo
space than I need,

but, uh, well,
there's a sleeper cab

so I'll save on motels

and, you know, uh...

Hank, you don't have
to explain to us.

Wow...

Look at all this cool stuff!

This isn't a toy, Bobby.

To a trucker, these are tools.

See, truckers
are the last cowboys.

They're their own bosses
making tough decisions,

winning or losing
by the calls they make,

answering only to the road.

Sounds hard.

It is.

Now, how would you like

to make this trip
with your old man?

Heck, yeah!

Dad, can I have permission
to say "Hell, yeah"?

Just a moment.

It's such a fine night

to, uh, look at the, uh, moon.

Look how big and powerful
the moon looks

in the moonlight.

Ready for its trip to Arizona.

It's just not fair!

The moon, I mean.

Oh...

This is a dream come true.

A trucker and his boy
alone with their rig

on the open road.

But don't worry, Peggy.

We'll do a quick turnaround
and be back home

by Christmas morning sharp.

A trucker and his boy.

And they've promised their mom
to be home by Christmas.

Hank, this is one
of those novelty Christmas songs

that always sells a million
freaking copies!

I have always wanted
to get in on that racket!

Okay, let's roll.

Well, all right.

Okay, Bobby, we got
to stay on time,

so drink up
and let's hit the road.

Coffee? For me?

Mmm...

I don't think I can ever
go back to cocoa!

See, trucking is like
a lot of things in life.

Know your rig inside out.

Take care of your rig
and she'll take care of you.

Dad, you know everything.

Well, I do have
a Class "C" license.

♪ We're stowing away ♪

♪ We're stowing away. ♪

We're so bad.

Ooh-ee, man!
Look at that, man!

Just like a God dang ol'
Ben Hur, man.

Boy, look at that view.

This is probably how it looked
to the very first truckers.

Now, the trick
to heading up a steep grade

is to shift gears carefully.

And why is that?

"A trucker always
protects his cargo."

My dearest Nancy,

I have many questions
about the outside world.

Is our government still intact?

And what of young Joseph?

Gentlemen, to your racers.

Whoo-hoo!
Yay!

He wins!

Oh, no!

♪ Hank and Bobby
in a Christmas truck... ♪

Oh, dang it!

There's just no good words
that rhyme with truck.

Aunt Peggy, could
they be delivering a-a snowman?

I bet there's lots of words
that rhyme with snowman.

Of course.

Who needs a snowman
more than a widow in Arizona?

Our song will be about
Hank and Bobby

delivering a snowman
to a woman with no man.

I'm a songwriter!

The second-largest
thermometer in the U. S.

Do we have time to stop?

Well, we have to be home
by Christmas,

so we can stop
or we can go to a truckstop

and chow down like
real truckers.

Chow down like real truckers!

Well, all right, then.

Eh, you can see the thermometer
from here anyway.

"105 degrees." Wow.

Hank, for God's sakes,
let us out!

It's so hot!

No, Hank hears us,
but he's choosing to punish us.

Rightly so.

What's the use?

At the rate I'm smoking,

we only have about 30 minutes
of oxygen left anyway.

Oh, man, dang ol'...
Dang, dang, dang, man!

I need a dang ol' water, man.

We brought food.

Maybe we can squeeze
moisture out of it.

Let's see.

Chips, barbecue chips,

vinegar flavor, hot and spicy.

Saltines! No!!

Wow!

I didn't want
to describe it to you,

because, well, how could I?

See, for truckers,
time is money.

We can't spend time waiting
in a line with the civilians.

We keep to a schedule.

Yup, I just rode in from Arlen, Texas,
on a straight shot.

How about you?

Well, I guess I'm coming in

straight from,
oh, Eastern Long Island.

Guess this 'd be my first meal
in 40 hours or so.

Yep, I hear that.

Okay.

So what're you boys
hauling, anyway?

A sofa for my Grandma!

Sir, this section
is for truckers only.

Buffs like you, takin' up space,
costs real truckers money.

Go on.

But, Dad, I thought you
said we were truckers.

We are.

I don't mean to spoil
your fun, sir,

but you're not a trucker.

You're just a guy
with a truck.

You think I'm not a trucker?

Well, I drove through El Paso
in rush hour

and didn't grind a gear.

Look at my rig...

perfectly maintained
from the back bumper to the grille.

Oh, hey, Hank.

We're not gonna drink Bill
after all, okay?

Waiter, table for five.

Nice rig, buddy!

Look out, hot load!

Hey, hauling fruit, are you?

We're sorry, Hank.

We'll sit quietly back here,

if you give us
a water-dish to drink from.

We'll be as quiet as truck-mice.

Get in the cab.

Fixing this hole you made
has put me off schedule.

So, I'll skip my bunk time
and drive all night.

Now get moving.

This is the saga
our song will tell:

Hank and Bobby find a snowman

hitch-hiking through Arizona.

He will melt to death

unless he gets home
to the North Pole by Christmas.

Hank and Bobby take him home.

The snowman's family
is so grateful,

they invite him to their
Christmas Snowman dinner.

You got it?

Oh, no.

It's okay to take a nap, Dad.

If we're half a day late,
Grandma won't mind.

Well, I will.

We've got a promise
to your mother to keep.

We are getting back home
by Christmas morning.

Duck...

Duck...

Goose!

What?

I'll get him, Hank.

Dang it!

Shush it!

♪ And that's how the Christmas ♪

♪ Snowman got back home! ♪

You don't like it.

Oh, it's not that, sugs.

It's just that I've got a lot
of other things on my mind.

Like, I don't know
where my husband is.

Oh, I'm sure Dale is fine.

Now, how can we fix the song?

We tried your way, Aunt Peggy.

Now we should do it my way!

We have differences.

Like when Simon
versus the Garfunkel.

Look how straight the lines
on the highway are.

It'd be easy
to get highway hypnosis.

Bill... you are
getting sleepy...

It's working.

I'm so sleepy.

M-M-Make him think
he's a dang ol' chicken, man.

Hey, Dad!
Ahh...

Look!

L-I-I was awake! What?!

Look at the sign!

"Truck stop 4 Miles."

We can get you some coffee.

Bobby, it would take
too long to tie 'em up

so I'm going to need you
to get the coffee.

Which line? Trucker or...

Trucker.

Dad, they wouldn't let me
on the trucker line

for moral reasons, but...

Guess playing trucker
takes a lot out of you.

Least now he can tell
all the other accountants

he slept at a real truck stop.

Okay.

Let's get a move out.

Now, if make up
for the lost time

while my Dad's asleep,
he'll wake up ahead of schedule.

Mr. Boomhauer, are you sure

you're able
to handle this vehicle?

Dang ol' piece of cake, man.

Just like riding a dang ol'
riding mower or forklift.

You know, just like
a dang ol' lion

the same as kit-y-cat, man.

14-foot clearance.

Ha! How tall
is the truck?

Probably...

I don't know. Bobby?

I don't know!

It's awfully big.

I'd say 30 feet tall, at least.

Boomhauer, get off now!

There's an exit!
Get off now!

This is the wrong way!

Turn around!

Hey, do you see the dang ol' size
of this thing, man?

Dang ol' don't talk
about "turn around" man.

Ooh, there's another exit.
Take it!

Well, this feels good,
doesn't it?

Well, Mom, that's
the last of it.

Hank, this is the best
Christmas ever. Ready?

♪ Oh, say can you see ♪

♪ By the dawn's early light ♪

♪ Dawn's early light,
dawn's early light... ♪

What the? Where?

Hank, we're having trouble
with the engine.

And the clutch.

Oh, and we're on top
of a mountain.

I think it might be
a Rocky Mountain.

What the hell happened?

Let's just say
mistakes were made.

Then other larger mistakes.

We're not proud of ourselves.

I'm sorry, Dad.

We thought if we kept driving,

we could help you make
your delivery on time.

We didn't even stop
for a potty break.

I had to use your coffee mug.

Dale, get behind
the Line of Shame.

Not you, Bobby.

I know you were trying to help.

Hank, we're cold.

Can we put our hands down?

No. Okay, we're out of fuel.

That part I can understand.

But how did you let
the battery go dead?

It was dark and the headlights
made us feel so safe.

Breaker 10-33, this is Top Hat.

Requesting emergency...

No, Bobby.

I don't want to bother
real truckers

with the problems
of a guy who fell asleep

and let his rig wind up
on top of a mountain.

What are you doing, Dad?

I'm going to call Triple "A"

and probably hire
some movers, too.

It's time to let
the professionals handle this.

No! Sure we're in a hole,

but real truckers
are in a hole all the time

and they don't give up.

They figure out
a way to get through.

You're not just
a guy with a truck, Dad.

Okay, everybody, let's check out
our rig and see what we've got.

Uh, line suspended.

...and a Charlie Chaplin ceramic
lamp and these opera glasses.

That's what we have
to work with.

Hank, which would you rather
burn for warmth,

the dining set

or the frames of these
tasteful landscape paintings?

Neither. I am getting
this load to my mom intact.

Hey, man, got them
dang ol' antique lamps, man.

Talk about a little kerosene
left inside, man, you know?

Probably stay warm dang ol'
five minutes or so.

Talking about...

Good idea, Boomhauer.

There might be some kerosene

still left in those lamps
to keep us warm if...

No, wait a minute.

Bobby, hand me
those opera glasses.

Perfect.

Now, if we can get the truck
rolling downhill,

the motion will recharge
the battery.

And kerosene is close enough
to diesel fuel

so we can burn it.

I'll pop the clutch,

and we can turn around
in that meadow.

I understood something
about burning fuel.

Are we going to be warm?

You two are going to get warm
working up a sweat

digging out
these tires. Here.

Bobby, I need your
help over here.

And Dale, you're, uh, at large.

Yes, sir!

Now, I won't be able to see
from the back to steer,

so you fellows will have
to guide me.

Boomhauer, use the CB.

It's going to be a bumpy ride,
so hang on.

Hank, what keeps the furniture
from sliding out the door?

Well, all our straps and chains
are on the road for traction.

So, you do, Bill.

Good luck.

Okay, man, Hank, you got, like,
dang ol' little ol' curve

coming up on the left.

Talking about
15 or 20 degrees.

Now swing it a little
to the right now.

Okay, now ease on
to about 3:00, man.

A little bump.

You feel that, man?

Okay, now, now,
come on straight.

Hold steady, man.
Hold steady, man.

Talking about right.
Now cut right.

Dang ol' good job, man.

Talk about just a little
ol' straightaway

about 20, 30 yards now.

Get a little meadow coming up
on the dang ol' left, man.

Get ready, get ready now.

Okay, now cut, man.

Cut, cut.

Give it all you got, man!

Okay, now, Hank, hang in there,
man. Quick left, quick left!

Left, left, man!

It's working!

It's working! It's...

We only get one shot, son.

Pull!

Yes! Yeah!

♪ Then the snowman thanked
Bobby and Uncle Hank ♪

♪ For taking him to Arizona ♪

♪ 'Cause he wanted to see
his friend, the cripple boy ♪

♪ Just one more time
before he melted. ♪

The end.

That's my Christmas
trucking song.

Do you like it?

Sug, it's great,

but right now I'm busy

filing a Missing Persons
report, okay?

Can you see now, Hank?

Ow!

Can you? Ow!

How about now! Ow!

Ow! Ow!

There I am, 1,500 pounds
over my weight limit,

so I say to the trooper,.

Weigh me now.

Kitchen stopped making
breakfast half an hour ago.

So, what can I bring you boys?

Oh, man, dang ol' black coffee,
man, and a little water, too.

Where's the dang ol'
restroom at?

Whoa. Slow it down,
sweetheart.

Okay, man, dang ol'...
black... coffee.

Dang ol' water.

Whoa, I know that voice.

Hey, one of you boys named Hank?

Uh, we're just going
to have our coffee and go.

We don't need any trouble.

I bet you don't.

You had enough trouble

getting down that mountain
this morning.

Man, we been listening
on CB to you guys

coming downhill on 41.

Glad y'all ain't dead.

Whatthe hell you boys
sitting over there for?

Come on over here.

Well, all right, huh, Bobby?

Yeah, all right.

Getting downhill
like that took some doing.

What were you gulping on,
reds, bennies, apple wackies?

I don't go in
for the fancy, flavored coffees.

Just regular old joe.

Man, you are old school.

Hey, little friend,

how about taking a seat

and telling me about
that run on that hill?

Sir, much as I would love
to get into it,

we'd better get rolling.

We got to finish our haul
and get home by Christmas.

Good man.

But you won't get far
without your mirrors.

Or your headlights.

Yep, suppose that's true.

On the other hand,

if I rode ahead of you,
you wouldn't need them.

And if I get your back,

I can handle your
rearview for you.

You mean like a...
a convoy?

Damn straight.

♪ Hank Hill was a trucker
and he drove with pride ♪

♪ His seat belt buckled
and his boy by his side ♪

♪ He hit the road with a promise
and a fresh load ♪

♪ They took a wrong turn
while trying to get back ♪

♪ And wound up stranded
in a mountain gap ♪

♪ Had a diesel
in the freezing cold ♪

♪ That old Hank Hill convoy's
rolling ♪

♪ And the antique load
we're hauling ♪

♪ It's destination Mama's
down the line ♪

♪ We was down at the Eat 'Em Up,
the boys and me ♪

♪ Drinking straight black joe
when the old CB ♪

♪ Got to picking up something
sounded downright weird ♪

♪ It said... ♪

♪ Dang ol' Hank, man,
talking about hold on tight ♪

♪ Talking about making
a little ol' left, man ♪

♪ Now, Hank, swing right ♪

♪ Yeah, I tell you,
had those truckers ♪

♪ Pretty dang scared ♪

♪ Then Hank pulled up,
feeling none too big ♪

♪ We couldn't believe
how he handled that rig ♪

♪ So I said, "Hell, we'll
help you out, my man" ♪

♪ I'll call Gravel Gut Ben
and One-eyed Mona ♪

♪ We'll get that load
out to Arizona ♪

♪ Cause a trucker helps
a trucker ♪

♪ Help his mama when he can. ♪
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