King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 8, Episode 8 - Rich Hank, Poor Hank - full transcript
When Bobby mistakenly believes that his parents are rich, he steals Hank's credit card and goes on a shopping spree.
Ripped By mstoll
Take your time, Bobby.
You're not just
wallet shopping;
you're learning
a valuable lesson
in money management.
Savor it.
This one.
That'll be $135.
Dad, pay the man.
Now, why would you pick
that overpriced thing,
when there's
a sturdy, reasonably-priced
$15 one right in front of you?
Well, this one's pretty snazzy,
and it looks like
it can hold a ton of money.
Bobby...
That way,
if I wanted to impress someone,
I could pull out
a really big wad of cash.
Bam!
Dad, give me
a big wad of cash.
What are you trying to do,
Bobby, get us mugged?
Hmm!
Why would you go waving your
money around in public?
'Cause it's cool,
and I think
it makes people like you.
How much money
do you make a year, anyway?
Bobby, where did you pick
up that kind of talk?
I thought you wanted
to talk about money.
I did. Quietly and without
mentioning any dollar figures.
Bobby, only jackasses go around
saying how much money they make.
What are you talking about?
Julia Roberts makes
20 million a picture.
Are you calling
America's Sweetheart a jackass?
It's just vulgar, Bobby.
The amount of money a man makes
is between him
and the professionals
down at the H & R Block.
Who were we talking to
in Dallas for 37 minutes?
Oh, I remember.
Where did I go wrong, Peggy?
How did I raise a
son who goes around
with that filthy
money-mouth of his?
He actually had the audacity
to ask me how much
I make a year.
Hmm. I do not know
where he would get
an attitude like that.
It certainly was not from us.
We raised him
to be uncomfortable
about anything that personal.
Dad, Ladybird's
scooting again.
Oh, uh... hey, son.
You guys were talking
about money, weren't you?
No.
Yes, you were!
You were paying bills.
No, we weren't.
We... we were...
making out!
Peggy?!
Then what's this?!
42, eh?
Bobby!
Let me help!
Why? So you can blab to
the whole neighborhood
how much your mother's
haircuts cost?
I'm not a little kid.
Now, where were we?
Ah...
Oh, no.
It was the phone bill.
Yep.
Yup.
Mm-hmm.
My boy asked me
how much money I make.
The nerve!
The less kids know
about money,
the less likely they are
to rat you out
under the pressure
of a federal investigation.
I tell you what,
it's tough enough
to teach a kid to judge people
on their character
without TV and the MTV filling
their heads with nonsense.
TV is an open sewer!
Yeah, man, I tell
you what, man.
On dang ol' MTV Cribs, man,
talking about ol' Ja Rule
on there, man.
He got a dang ol'
whole refrigerator
full of that ol'
"Crystal" champagne, man.
Well, I better head in
for dinner.
Bobby's probably
badgering Peggy
about how much
her wedding ring cost.
So... how much you think
ol' Hank is pulling down?
I'll tell you what, man.
That dang ol' blue
truck last year,
they don't come cheap, man.
Gotcha!
Yep, got my check today.
So? How much was it for?
Not to be Bobby about it.
A thousand dollars.
That's right.
You're going to have dinner
with the man who made
a thousand dollars today.
Well, that's a pretty
generous bonus.
Yep. Not quite
as good as last year,
but people just aren't grilling
like they did last year.
Boy, last year
was something else.
So, the way I figure it,
my dad makes a
thousand dollars a day.
That's $365,000 a year.
Whoa!
Yeah, whoa.
But check it out.
He's been doing it
for 20 years.
That's... $7,300,000!
No way!
Yeah, and he barely
spends a dime,
so he's got all that
money just sitting around.
What's he spending it on?
Our house?
That thing cost a million,
maybe two million, tops.
I don't know.
Are you sure about this?
There's got to be
something somewhere
that proves we're rich.
"Oil records"?
Why is it locked?
Because it's about my
dad's secret oil wells.
My dad's got oil!
Dude, you're rich.
You're-you're really rich.
I am.
This is so cool.
Tell you what, Bobby.
Let's say we tally ho it over
to the money room.
Capital idea, Dad, capital.
Well done, son.
Thank you, Father.
I don't know, Bobby.
We've lived next door
to you guys for a long time.
You don't seem rich.
I mean, you guys don't have
half the stuff we do,
and everything you do have,
we have a better version of.
Well, my dad's always going off
about how cheap stuff
is just as good
as expensive stuff.
He spent half of dinner
last night saying,
"Anyone who says
they could tell the difference
between this and real Coca-Cola
is lying, I tell you what."
Well, I guess it's possible.
Maybe your dad
is one of those rich misers.
A what?
A lot of rich people
are just crazy.
They hang on to every penny.
Howard Hughes would wear
Kleenex boxes on his feet,
and he wrote
a whole instruction manual
on the exact way his staff
should serve him a peach.
My dad wrote a 13-step system
for putting away groceries.
Oh! And there was
this woman.
They called her
"The Witch of Wall Street."
She was so cheap
that when her son got sick,
she wouldn't even pay
for a doctor,
and they had to cut
the kid's leg off!
Whoa!
Gross.
Boy, it seems like
the richer people get,
the cheaper they get.
And the cheaper they get,
the crazier they get.
Bobby, time to wrap pennies!
Dang it, Peggy, who threw out
this mayonnaise jar?
I use these to
store extra screws.
Look at him!
Breaking his
back to wash his truck.
Oh, God.
I don't want to lose my leg.
Can you imagine
the cheap fake leg
he's going to buy me?
He'll probably just
make it himself
out of a broom handle
and a shoe horn.
I don't think he's that crazy.
Yet!
But I can't take any chances.
He just needs to loosen up.
Maybe if I can get him
to spend a little money
and see it's not
the end of the world,
he won't go crazy.
Hey, go ask him
to buy us some horses.
We'll ride them to school.
We'll be legends.
No, I've got to find
something he likes,
ease him into prying open
that wallet of his.
When he sees
how much fun it is,
there won't be anything
standing between me
and that sweet
chinga-ching-ching.
Hey, did you guys hear?
Bobby's rich.
Turns out Mr. Hill
is some kind of crazy
millionaire oil something.
Joseph, Sug, you know better
than to spread
silly gossip like that.
What did Reverend Stroup say?
It was something about Jesus
and gossip, and it rhymed.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Tell me more of Hank's
fortune, Joseph.
Connie says he's some kind
of, like, rich miser
orsomething.
The Millionaire Next Door.
I read that book, but I had no
idea it was about Hank.
Hank, will you buy me
a ratchet set?
No, Dale.
How about a nightclub?
I'll call it "Hank's."
Just how soft are
these soft begging strips?
'Cause, uh, Ladybird's gums
are very sensitive.
Hey, Dad, look at this.
"Now you and your dog can ride
a burro into the Grand Canyon."
Huh, so they put the reins
right in her teeth.
I know.
Can you believe it?
Ladybird gets to keep
the sombrero.
Ladybird looks great in a hat.
Well, she sure does,
but I don't know.
Don't think about it;
just do it.
You deserve it!
God knows Ladybird deserves it.
There's a sing-along
at the bottom.
Well, it does sound
pretty great.
It is great.
You'll have the time
of your life,
and I'll get a pinball machine
and have the time of my life.
What?
And then I'll get
a Slurpee machine
and a white tiger.
Oh, thank you, Dad.
This is going to be so great.
Dang it, Bobby.
I'm not going to start
tossing money around
like a drunken
roughneck on payday
just because you don't
have any money sense.
Look at her.
She's crushed.
You happy now?
Bobby, sit down.
We need to talk.
Have you reconsidered
the pinball machine?
Son, everything you buy
costs money,
which somebody has to earn.
Now, one way or another,
I'm going to get you
thinking right.
But I'm not the one
thinking crazy.
Now see, that's exactly
why your mother and I
have decided to make
some changes
with your allowance.
But that's how much
I always got.
Hold on.
I'm not done yet.
Now, you rented that video game
last Friday, so...
Oh, and, uh,
you returned it late...
Hey, quit it!
And you bought
that Teen People
at the Get In Get Out.
I've itemized it all here
on your invoice.
Two dollars?
But I wanted to go to the movies
with Joseph today.
That sounds like fun,
and I'd be happy to drive you,
if you can earn the rest
of the money you need.
Hey, you could collect cans.
Five cents each.
It's like the streets
are littered with nickels.
You gotta be kidding!
Nope. Oh, you're going
to need a couple
of heavy-duty
garbage bags.
This ought to cover 'em.
Don't be surprised if Bobby comes
around asking for those cans.
I taught him
an important lesson today.
Go ahead there, Hank,
take all the beer you want.
I am so thrilled my hard-earned
money can make you happy.
It was your turn
to buy the beer, Bill...
that's how it works.
Yeah, I guess that's
exactly how it works.
I'm not getting rich
cutting people's hair, Hank.
Well, things are tough
all over.
Oh! I bet they are.
Yep.
Yep.
Mm-hmm.
Please! Just give me
a few thousand dollars,
Hank. Please?
What? Oh, just give
him the money, Hank!
Yeah, man, you know, that dang ol'
money's like the wind, man...
only feel it when
it's moving, man.
My God, am I the only
sane person around here?
Way to go, Bill.
You single-handedly
derailed the gravy train.
I'm sorry. I just wanted
his money, is all.
Collect cans.
My dad had his chance at life.
I'm not going to let him
take mine away.
If this isn't an emergency,
I don't know what is.
Oh, no way, Bobby.
You're not going to take
your dad's credit card...
are you?
Relax. Whatever we spend,
it's just a drop
in the bucket to him.
Besides,
he won't even notice
this one is gone.
Go, go, go, go!
$43.20.
No problem. Here you go.
Thank you, Mr. Hill.
Wow! Wow! Wow!
Whoa!
Don't give up, Connie!
Try it again! I'm rich!
You hooked it. Try again!
Great drive!
Oh, Johnny, I am having
a wonderful time today.
Me, too.
So the rumors about
Hank are true.
Hey,
I just remembered, I should get
back to the healing center.
Oh. But we were going
to buy you a bathing suit.
Next time, okay?
That's my girl.
Well, hey there, John Redcorn.
Hank.
Hank.
America is aging.
The Baby Boomers
will soon become the Senior Boomers.
Yeah... sure, I guess so.
Good, good.
As an established leader
in the healing community,
I am in a unique position to capture
this emerging market.
I think you know where
I'm going with this.
For your investment of
only a million dollars...
What?
I'm not asking for a handout.
This is an investment
opportunity
in the New Age Golden Years
Assisted Living facility.
Sure, I'll give you
your million.
Would you like it
in rubies or fairy dust?
Someone's going to make a
lot of money off this idea.
It could have been us.
Coming up next,
find out what this man
wants to show your children.
All right, Peggy,
tell me what happens.
Oh, my God, that is shocking!
Dang it.
Hello?
Yes, Mr. Hill,
this is a courtesy call
from Southwest Mutual
about your credit card.
Uh, I've already got
a credit card.
No, Mr. Hill, we were calling
about some unusual charges.
We've got a spike
of several thousand dollars
over the last two days.
What? N-No. That card's
never been used. Thief!
Sir, if you would like
to dispute these charges...
Oh, here's something.
There's an attempted charge
coming through right now.
Would you like me
to have them hold the card?
Uh, I-I'm sorry,
Mr. Hill.
This... m-machine is so...
damn slow.
Oh, take your time,
take your time.
You know, Emiglio,
on second thought,
I think I will try on
that vest.
Where is that bastard?
Ta-da!
Bobby?
Dad.
You stole my credit card.
My boy stole my credit card.
Why are you so mad?
Can't you just pump
a little extra propane?
How did you get to be
a spoiled rich kid
when we're not even rich?
Okay, I'm sorry I borrowed...
Stole.
...the credit card,
but you just would've said no,
and we both know
you're loaded.
So let's just say
we were both wrong.
I'm loaded?
Has everybody in the
neighborhood lost their minds?
Okay, Dad, I'll come clean.
I know everything.
I heard you talking about
how you make $1,000 a day.
$1,000 a...
You mean my bonus?
My once-a-year bonus?
But what about your oil records?
In the garage?
You mean my oil
change records?
I used to think
you were too young
for this conversation,
but I think
we've all had enough
of you learning about money
on the streets,
so here goes: Our checkbook.
I didn't even see anything.
Okay, you want to know
about the family finances?
Here.
So this is it?
Please tell me you've at least got
some gold buried in the backyard.
Nope. That's it.
But with responsible
budgeting, we do fine.
That's our
entertainment budget?
But I spend that much
on CDs every month.
I use up the whole budget.
Yep.
I guess I let you down.
What the?
That must be the jet-ski.
Well, I was able
to pay off everything
except the jet-ski.
Had to use my whole bonus
and then some.
Guess I'll never get
that new shower pan.
Sorry.
So here's your punishment.
I'm going to get
whatever I can for the jet-ski,
and you're going to do chores
until you work off
the difference
between that
and what it costs.
Okay.
Now, uh,
your mother said something
about a date with, uh...
Madam Von Toilet scrubbin?
Anyvun seen Bobby?
Good job, Bobby.
Hey, it looks hot up there.
Why don't you come down
and take a break?
Breaks are for guys
on disability.
Well, I do need some help
getting the jet-ski
down to the lake to sell it.
I'm on it...
just as soon as I'm done
fishing out this squirrel.
So Hank frittered away
his fortune.
God, if Peggy was the best
he could do with money,
what's going to happen now
when she leaves him?
Man, you talk about how the mighty
have dang ol' fallen, man.
Mm-hmm. I heard it had something
to do with the Internet.
Usually does.
Brand-new jet-ski
for sale.
Got all the, uh, features
and, uh, really spiffy
paint job there.
Sure was expensive.
Hey, Eric, what do you
think of that jet-ski?
You promised me a new one!
This one's probably broken.
It's not broken.
Fine, I'll prove it to you.
Okay, then,
it runs perfectly fine. Happy?
Can't it go any faster?
Of course it can.
Heh-heh. Well, I'll be.
Whoo! Giddyap!
Boy, that was fun. Heh.
It's okay, I guess.
We'll take it.
Okay, I-I know
I-I promised you a jet-ski,
but could you at least say...
thank you?
Whatever! I'll get mom's
new boyfriend to buy it for me.
Sir, for 50 cents,
I will shine this baby up
like a brand-new dime.
I want to see my face.
All right!
Dad! Go back!
They're not going
to wait around for us!
We're not selling it.
Now, hold on tight,
I'm going to gun it.
We're going to keep it?!
We can't afford it.
I'm not selling your jet-ski
to that little jackass.
I figure the depreciation's
the same on it
whether we keep it
for a day or a year.
Used is used, right?
Really?
Sure.
We can carry it on the credit card
for a little while,
and then if we sell
it within a year,
it'll be the same
blue book value.
But credit cards should only
be used in an emergency,
and you should pay the balance
off every month.
Ideally, yes.
Ripped By mstoll
Dad, give me a big wad of cash.
Take your time, Bobby.
You're not just
wallet shopping;
you're learning
a valuable lesson
in money management.
Savor it.
This one.
That'll be $135.
Dad, pay the man.
Now, why would you pick
that overpriced thing,
when there's
a sturdy, reasonably-priced
$15 one right in front of you?
Well, this one's pretty snazzy,
and it looks like
it can hold a ton of money.
Bobby...
That way,
if I wanted to impress someone,
I could pull out
a really big wad of cash.
Bam!
Dad, give me
a big wad of cash.
What are you trying to do,
Bobby, get us mugged?
Hmm!
Why would you go waving your
money around in public?
'Cause it's cool,
and I think
it makes people like you.
How much money
do you make a year, anyway?
Bobby, where did you pick
up that kind of talk?
I thought you wanted
to talk about money.
I did. Quietly and without
mentioning any dollar figures.
Bobby, only jackasses go around
saying how much money they make.
What are you talking about?
Julia Roberts makes
20 million a picture.
Are you calling
America's Sweetheart a jackass?
It's just vulgar, Bobby.
The amount of money a man makes
is between him
and the professionals
down at the H & R Block.
Who were we talking to
in Dallas for 37 minutes?
Oh, I remember.
Where did I go wrong, Peggy?
How did I raise a
son who goes around
with that filthy
money-mouth of his?
He actually had the audacity
to ask me how much
I make a year.
Hmm. I do not know
where he would get
an attitude like that.
It certainly was not from us.
We raised him
to be uncomfortable
about anything that personal.
Dad, Ladybird's
scooting again.
Oh, uh... hey, son.
You guys were talking
about money, weren't you?
No.
Yes, you were!
You were paying bills.
No, we weren't.
We... we were...
making out!
Peggy?!
Then what's this?!
42, eh?
Bobby!
Let me help!
Why? So you can blab to
the whole neighborhood
how much your mother's
haircuts cost?
I'm not a little kid.
Now, where were we?
Ah...
Oh, no.
It was the phone bill.
Yep.
Yup.
Mm-hmm.
My boy asked me
how much money I make.
The nerve!
The less kids know
about money,
the less likely they are
to rat you out
under the pressure
of a federal investigation.
I tell you what,
it's tough enough
to teach a kid to judge people
on their character
without TV and the MTV filling
their heads with nonsense.
TV is an open sewer!
Yeah, man, I tell
you what, man.
On dang ol' MTV Cribs, man,
talking about ol' Ja Rule
on there, man.
He got a dang ol'
whole refrigerator
full of that ol'
"Crystal" champagne, man.
Well, I better head in
for dinner.
Bobby's probably
badgering Peggy
about how much
her wedding ring cost.
So... how much you think
ol' Hank is pulling down?
I'll tell you what, man.
That dang ol' blue
truck last year,
they don't come cheap, man.
Gotcha!
Yep, got my check today.
So? How much was it for?
Not to be Bobby about it.
A thousand dollars.
That's right.
You're going to have dinner
with the man who made
a thousand dollars today.
Well, that's a pretty
generous bonus.
Yep. Not quite
as good as last year,
but people just aren't grilling
like they did last year.
Boy, last year
was something else.
So, the way I figure it,
my dad makes a
thousand dollars a day.
That's $365,000 a year.
Whoa!
Yeah, whoa.
But check it out.
He's been doing it
for 20 years.
That's... $7,300,000!
No way!
Yeah, and he barely
spends a dime,
so he's got all that
money just sitting around.
What's he spending it on?
Our house?
That thing cost a million,
maybe two million, tops.
I don't know.
Are you sure about this?
There's got to be
something somewhere
that proves we're rich.
"Oil records"?
Why is it locked?
Because it's about my
dad's secret oil wells.
My dad's got oil!
Dude, you're rich.
You're-you're really rich.
I am.
This is so cool.
Tell you what, Bobby.
Let's say we tally ho it over
to the money room.
Capital idea, Dad, capital.
Well done, son.
Thank you, Father.
I don't know, Bobby.
We've lived next door
to you guys for a long time.
You don't seem rich.
I mean, you guys don't have
half the stuff we do,
and everything you do have,
we have a better version of.
Well, my dad's always going off
about how cheap stuff
is just as good
as expensive stuff.
He spent half of dinner
last night saying,
"Anyone who says
they could tell the difference
between this and real Coca-Cola
is lying, I tell you what."
Well, I guess it's possible.
Maybe your dad
is one of those rich misers.
A what?
A lot of rich people
are just crazy.
They hang on to every penny.
Howard Hughes would wear
Kleenex boxes on his feet,
and he wrote
a whole instruction manual
on the exact way his staff
should serve him a peach.
My dad wrote a 13-step system
for putting away groceries.
Oh! And there was
this woman.
They called her
"The Witch of Wall Street."
She was so cheap
that when her son got sick,
she wouldn't even pay
for a doctor,
and they had to cut
the kid's leg off!
Whoa!
Gross.
Boy, it seems like
the richer people get,
the cheaper they get.
And the cheaper they get,
the crazier they get.
Bobby, time to wrap pennies!
Dang it, Peggy, who threw out
this mayonnaise jar?
I use these to
store extra screws.
Look at him!
Breaking his
back to wash his truck.
Oh, God.
I don't want to lose my leg.
Can you imagine
the cheap fake leg
he's going to buy me?
He'll probably just
make it himself
out of a broom handle
and a shoe horn.
I don't think he's that crazy.
Yet!
But I can't take any chances.
He just needs to loosen up.
Maybe if I can get him
to spend a little money
and see it's not
the end of the world,
he won't go crazy.
Hey, go ask him
to buy us some horses.
We'll ride them to school.
We'll be legends.
No, I've got to find
something he likes,
ease him into prying open
that wallet of his.
When he sees
how much fun it is,
there won't be anything
standing between me
and that sweet
chinga-ching-ching.
Hey, did you guys hear?
Bobby's rich.
Turns out Mr. Hill
is some kind of crazy
millionaire oil something.
Joseph, Sug, you know better
than to spread
silly gossip like that.
What did Reverend Stroup say?
It was something about Jesus
and gossip, and it rhymed.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Tell me more of Hank's
fortune, Joseph.
Connie says he's some kind
of, like, rich miser
orsomething.
The Millionaire Next Door.
I read that book, but I had no
idea it was about Hank.
Hank, will you buy me
a ratchet set?
No, Dale.
How about a nightclub?
I'll call it "Hank's."
Just how soft are
these soft begging strips?
'Cause, uh, Ladybird's gums
are very sensitive.
Hey, Dad, look at this.
"Now you and your dog can ride
a burro into the Grand Canyon."
Huh, so they put the reins
right in her teeth.
I know.
Can you believe it?
Ladybird gets to keep
the sombrero.
Ladybird looks great in a hat.
Well, she sure does,
but I don't know.
Don't think about it;
just do it.
You deserve it!
God knows Ladybird deserves it.
There's a sing-along
at the bottom.
Well, it does sound
pretty great.
It is great.
You'll have the time
of your life,
and I'll get a pinball machine
and have the time of my life.
What?
And then I'll get
a Slurpee machine
and a white tiger.
Oh, thank you, Dad.
This is going to be so great.
Dang it, Bobby.
I'm not going to start
tossing money around
like a drunken
roughneck on payday
just because you don't
have any money sense.
Look at her.
She's crushed.
You happy now?
Bobby, sit down.
We need to talk.
Have you reconsidered
the pinball machine?
Son, everything you buy
costs money,
which somebody has to earn.
Now, one way or another,
I'm going to get you
thinking right.
But I'm not the one
thinking crazy.
Now see, that's exactly
why your mother and I
have decided to make
some changes
with your allowance.
But that's how much
I always got.
Hold on.
I'm not done yet.
Now, you rented that video game
last Friday, so...
Oh, and, uh,
you returned it late...
Hey, quit it!
And you bought
that Teen People
at the Get In Get Out.
I've itemized it all here
on your invoice.
Two dollars?
But I wanted to go to the movies
with Joseph today.
That sounds like fun,
and I'd be happy to drive you,
if you can earn the rest
of the money you need.
Hey, you could collect cans.
Five cents each.
It's like the streets
are littered with nickels.
You gotta be kidding!
Nope. Oh, you're going
to need a couple
of heavy-duty
garbage bags.
This ought to cover 'em.
Don't be surprised if Bobby comes
around asking for those cans.
I taught him
an important lesson today.
Go ahead there, Hank,
take all the beer you want.
I am so thrilled my hard-earned
money can make you happy.
It was your turn
to buy the beer, Bill...
that's how it works.
Yeah, I guess that's
exactly how it works.
I'm not getting rich
cutting people's hair, Hank.
Well, things are tough
all over.
Oh! I bet they are.
Yep.
Yep.
Mm-hmm.
Please! Just give me
a few thousand dollars,
Hank. Please?
What? Oh, just give
him the money, Hank!
Yeah, man, you know, that dang ol'
money's like the wind, man...
only feel it when
it's moving, man.
My God, am I the only
sane person around here?
Way to go, Bill.
You single-handedly
derailed the gravy train.
I'm sorry. I just wanted
his money, is all.
Collect cans.
My dad had his chance at life.
I'm not going to let him
take mine away.
If this isn't an emergency,
I don't know what is.
Oh, no way, Bobby.
You're not going to take
your dad's credit card...
are you?
Relax. Whatever we spend,
it's just a drop
in the bucket to him.
Besides,
he won't even notice
this one is gone.
Go, go, go, go!
$43.20.
No problem. Here you go.
Thank you, Mr. Hill.
Wow! Wow! Wow!
Whoa!
Don't give up, Connie!
Try it again! I'm rich!
You hooked it. Try again!
Great drive!
Oh, Johnny, I am having
a wonderful time today.
Me, too.
So the rumors about
Hank are true.
Hey,
I just remembered, I should get
back to the healing center.
Oh. But we were going
to buy you a bathing suit.
Next time, okay?
That's my girl.
Well, hey there, John Redcorn.
Hank.
Hank.
America is aging.
The Baby Boomers
will soon become the Senior Boomers.
Yeah... sure, I guess so.
Good, good.
As an established leader
in the healing community,
I am in a unique position to capture
this emerging market.
I think you know where
I'm going with this.
For your investment of
only a million dollars...
What?
I'm not asking for a handout.
This is an investment
opportunity
in the New Age Golden Years
Assisted Living facility.
Sure, I'll give you
your million.
Would you like it
in rubies or fairy dust?
Someone's going to make a
lot of money off this idea.
It could have been us.
Coming up next,
find out what this man
wants to show your children.
All right, Peggy,
tell me what happens.
Oh, my God, that is shocking!
Dang it.
Hello?
Yes, Mr. Hill,
this is a courtesy call
from Southwest Mutual
about your credit card.
Uh, I've already got
a credit card.
No, Mr. Hill, we were calling
about some unusual charges.
We've got a spike
of several thousand dollars
over the last two days.
What? N-No. That card's
never been used. Thief!
Sir, if you would like
to dispute these charges...
Oh, here's something.
There's an attempted charge
coming through right now.
Would you like me
to have them hold the card?
Uh, I-I'm sorry,
Mr. Hill.
This... m-machine is so...
damn slow.
Oh, take your time,
take your time.
You know, Emiglio,
on second thought,
I think I will try on
that vest.
Where is that bastard?
Ta-da!
Bobby?
Dad.
You stole my credit card.
My boy stole my credit card.
Why are you so mad?
Can't you just pump
a little extra propane?
How did you get to be
a spoiled rich kid
when we're not even rich?
Okay, I'm sorry I borrowed...
Stole.
...the credit card,
but you just would've said no,
and we both know
you're loaded.
So let's just say
we were both wrong.
I'm loaded?
Has everybody in the
neighborhood lost their minds?
Okay, Dad, I'll come clean.
I know everything.
I heard you talking about
how you make $1,000 a day.
$1,000 a...
You mean my bonus?
My once-a-year bonus?
But what about your oil records?
In the garage?
You mean my oil
change records?
I used to think
you were too young
for this conversation,
but I think
we've all had enough
of you learning about money
on the streets,
so here goes: Our checkbook.
I didn't even see anything.
Okay, you want to know
about the family finances?
Here.
So this is it?
Please tell me you've at least got
some gold buried in the backyard.
Nope. That's it.
But with responsible
budgeting, we do fine.
That's our
entertainment budget?
But I spend that much
on CDs every month.
I use up the whole budget.
Yep.
I guess I let you down.
What the?
That must be the jet-ski.
Well, I was able
to pay off everything
except the jet-ski.
Had to use my whole bonus
and then some.
Guess I'll never get
that new shower pan.
Sorry.
So here's your punishment.
I'm going to get
whatever I can for the jet-ski,
and you're going to do chores
until you work off
the difference
between that
and what it costs.
Okay.
Now, uh,
your mother said something
about a date with, uh...
Madam Von Toilet scrubbin?
Anyvun seen Bobby?
Good job, Bobby.
Hey, it looks hot up there.
Why don't you come down
and take a break?
Breaks are for guys
on disability.
Well, I do need some help
getting the jet-ski
down to the lake to sell it.
I'm on it...
just as soon as I'm done
fishing out this squirrel.
So Hank frittered away
his fortune.
God, if Peggy was the best
he could do with money,
what's going to happen now
when she leaves him?
Man, you talk about how the mighty
have dang ol' fallen, man.
Mm-hmm. I heard it had something
to do with the Internet.
Usually does.
Brand-new jet-ski
for sale.
Got all the, uh, features
and, uh, really spiffy
paint job there.
Sure was expensive.
Hey, Eric, what do you
think of that jet-ski?
You promised me a new one!
This one's probably broken.
It's not broken.
Fine, I'll prove it to you.
Okay, then,
it runs perfectly fine. Happy?
Can't it go any faster?
Of course it can.
Heh-heh. Well, I'll be.
Whoo! Giddyap!
Boy, that was fun. Heh.
It's okay, I guess.
We'll take it.
Okay, I-I know
I-I promised you a jet-ski,
but could you at least say...
thank you?
Whatever! I'll get mom's
new boyfriend to buy it for me.
Sir, for 50 cents,
I will shine this baby up
like a brand-new dime.
I want to see my face.
All right!
Dad! Go back!
They're not going
to wait around for us!
We're not selling it.
Now, hold on tight,
I'm going to gun it.
We're going to keep it?!
We can't afford it.
I'm not selling your jet-ski
to that little jackass.
I figure the depreciation's
the same on it
whether we keep it
for a day or a year.
Used is used, right?
Really?
Sure.
We can carry it on the credit card
for a little while,
and then if we sell
it within a year,
it'll be the same
blue book value.
But credit cards should only
be used in an emergency,
and you should pay the balance
off every month.
Ideally, yes.
Ripped By mstoll
Dad, give me a big wad of cash.