King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 8, Episode 6 - After the Mold Rush - full transcript

Ripped By mstoll

Hey, guys, how do I
look on this one, huh?

We're not here to joyride
the toilets, Dale.

If you can't get enough fun

out of helping me buy
new handle bushings,

there is something
seriously wrong with you.

Hey, Hank Hill.

What were you doing
in plumbing aisle?

Need new crescent moon stencil

for outhouse?

I'm doing
home improvements, Kahn.



Aw! Trying to improve
your home

like putting lingerie
on a monkey.

Better to save up
all your dog-fighting money

and buy ticket
to Arlen Parade of Homes.

I'll have you know

that my house is
part of Texas history.

Yep. It was built
by the great-grandson

of Captain
T. Anderson Kearney

who fired the first shot
at the Battle of Gonzalez.

Hey, maybe I should enter
my house in the Parade of Homes.

Hey, who forgot to
change the toilet paper?

You know, this closet
would look a lot bigger

if you took out my shoes and
replaced them with Nancy's.

Well, we don't need any
Hollywood special effects



for people to see what
a great house we've got.

Hey, maybe we can put

T. Anderson Kearney's brass
boot remover by the door.

Kind of an exclamation point
for when people leave the room.

Talkin' about ol'
house beautiful, man,

talking' 'bout dang ol'
swim-up no bed pool, man.

Talkin' 'bout just like dang
ol' Wilt the Stilt, man,

see no double teams
in his day, man.

Well, thanks, Boomhauer.

I just hope the people
on the Parade of Homes

say the same thing.

Welcome to the Bobby Hill Room.

No flash photography
on the trolls, please.

Uh, hey, uh, Bobby, you know
what might spruce this room up?

A nice display case for
your troll action figures,

with solid wood doors.

You know, so people won't
be tempted to steal them.

Okay.

Um, aren't they called
troll dolls?

Yes.

Now, watch closely, Bobby.

This house is going
to be yours someday

and you're going to need
to know how to take care of it.

Can you hammer in a nail
with a single blow?

This isn't a circus, Bobby.

But I could.

Dad, help me!

Help me!
I'm drowning!

Oh, Bobby,
you'd had such a good few years.

I wasn't me.

The wall's leaking.

Good Lord,

it looks like it's
coming right out of the stud.

It's okay.

It's okay, babies.

Daddy's here.

Now, let's get you
out of these wet clothes.

What kind of

a sick bastard runs a water pipe
through a stud

without installing a nail guard?

I don't know!

Well, the water damage
looks pretty minor.

Yeah, at Lone Star Home and
Casualty we see some doozies.

The Matthew McConaughey "water
weenie" claim comes to mind.

Yeah, well, about my wall...

Don't worry, Mr. Hill.

We'll hire someone
to come in here

and get this wall fixed up

before that Parade
of Homes tour.

Uh, I don't really like
strangers touching my walls.

Maybe you could just pay me

and I'll get the supplies
and fix it myself.

Sorry, but company
regulations require

we use licensed
and bonded contractors.

But I can absolutely
assure you

they do
a first-rate job.

Okay.

Now, would you like to be tested
for mold while we're at it?

We usually do one after
any type of water damage.

Won't cost you anything.

I guess. Sure, go ahead.

Excuse me.

Do I need to file a claim
for my loss?

Yeah, uh...

you're going to have to give
those to the insurance company

so they can assess them
properly.

I'm sure you know what to do
with them.

Don't leave any excess
joint compound

on the threads, and always wipe
the pipes down

when you're done as a courtesy to
the next plumber.

Now, let's see if that
outlet needs rewiring.

I'll do it.

Just, uh, hand me
that volt meter.

Hi, I'm Steve Goodman.

I'm here to check the room
for mold.

Huh, so that's what
you use to test for it.

Boy, I've never seen
one of those before.

You think I could
give it a try, Steve?

Nope.

I'm done here.

Okay, who wants to turn off
the circuit breaker?

Too late. I call it.

Now remember, Hank, the Parade
of Homes is not a competition.

But this is what
we're up against.

That's pretty nice
for new construction.

Can I...

help you?

Uh, yeah, we're in
the Parade of Homes next week, too.

Hank Hill, single-
story, ranch-style.

We were just admiring
your place.

Nice shutters.

Well, thanks.

That means a lot coming
from another parader.

Still trying to get the place
looking presentable.

It's funny,
I spent my whole life

dreaming about
owning my own house.

Now all I dream about
is the next thing

that needs to be painted
or polished or replaced.

I love those dreams.

I hate to toot my own horn,

but this wall
looks pretty good.

Let's enjoy it now

before Bobby puts up that poster
of babies dressed as strawberries.

Hank, it's
our first looky-loo.

Okay, be cool.

Welcome.

Knocks pretty nice,
doesn't she?

That's solid oak hardwood.

No pressed filler there.

Now notice the...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, you
might want to save that

for someone who's
not on the clock.

I'm Rob Holguin,
Techno-Pure.

Your insurance
company sent me.

Oh, uh, Hank Hill.

What can I do for you?

You can put your hand down

and step two feet
away from me.

You may be contaminated.

What? Your house has
tested positive for mold.

Aah!

Yeah, uh, you might not want

to take such deep breaths.

I've got mold?

Well, that can't...

I mean... how does...

God, is it hot in here?

I'm really hot.

Uh, Mrs. Hill, maybe you
could get him a chair.

I'm going to make a small
exploratory incision

so I can have

a little look-see here.

Thar she blows, my great
green whale Aspergillus.

You're lucky
you caught this leak early

before this mold really spread.

I've got green stuff
inside my walls and I'm lucky?

Relax, Mr. Hill.

Rob Holguin is going to do
everything it takes

to get rid of this mold,

and you're insurance is going
to pick up the tab.

Everything
from frictional irrigation

with a concentrated
chlorine solution,

to forced atmospheric
dehydration.

So wait. You're saying you're
going to rub it with bleach

and then blow it dry?

Well, in layman's terms, yes.

Well, I've got some bleach
and a fan.

I could probably do it myself.

Every joker with a bottle
of Clorox and a Vornado

thinks he's an expert.

Look, unless the job is done

by a certified mold expert,
such as myself,

your insurance company
will drop you like, well...

I'd drop this, but then
there'd be mold on your floor.

Hank, let him do it.

He's a professional.

Can you guys get it
done in two days?

This house is on
the Parade of Homes.

This is the kind of thing
they take a picture of

and put it on
their blooper reel.

Well, lucky for you,
Aspergillus is my specialty.

I should have it
calling me daddy in no time.

So are we okay
to stay here like this?

Okay?

Well, that's a medical question,
Mrs. Hill.

I'm not a medical doctor.

Now I'll need you both to sign
this waiver

which certifies I've informed
you that's a medical question

and I'm not a medical doctor.

Hank, listen to this:

"Mold has been known to cause
itchiness, asthma,

chronic fatigue
and disorientation."

Bobby, quick, what's
your middle name, huh?

When's my birthday?

Here, follow my finger.

Your birthday is...
I don't know!

Hank, the mold's got him!

Help me, Dad!

Oh, will you two
just calm down?

Now it's just a little
patch of mold.

We'll let Holguin do his job

and everything will be fine.

And the boy never knew
your birthday, Peggy.

He always just
piggybacked on my card.

Yep.

Yep.

Mm-hmm.

Yep.

Dale, take
that dang thing off.

We're perfectly safe
here in the alley.

Heck, we'd all be perfectly safe
if we slept in Bobby's room.

A sleep-over?

I'll get my jammies.

Don't let him in, Hank.

With his foot fungus,

he'd just be tracking
more mold into the house.

That area between his toes

is as rich and fertile
as the Nile River Delta.

Can we still have
the sleep-over?

I'll hang my feet
out the window.

Attention,

mold patient zero.

I know your house not good
enough for Parade of Home.

Maybe next month,
Parade of Toxic Waste Dumps.

What?

How could we still have mold?

I thought you said
you got rid of it.

I did, from the leak.

But there must be

a secondary infestation.

The latest sample from this room

showed an airborne mold level
of 500 parts per cubic meter.

Ah!

Hmm, nothing.

What are you doing?

I can't get rid
of this other mold

until I find it,
Mr. Hill.

And insurance regulations
require

that we reduce the level
of mold in here

to that found in
the air outdoors.

400 parts per cubic meter.

400? Bobby, quick, get inside!

No, no, I mean, stay outside!

Get... get...

get in the car

and turn on the
air conditioner, now!

Mrs. Hill, Mrs. Hill,
it's okay.

400 parts per cubic meter
is like a fly speck in a Big Gulp cup.

Wait, wait, it sounds like
there's almost no difference

between the air in here
and the air outside.

What's the problem?

Uh, I could try
and explain it to you,

but if you want
this place ready

in time for that
Parade of Homes,

it would probably
make more sense

for me to just do my job.

Thank God. I thought
this thing was broken.

There's the culprit...
Alterneria.

You're not so tough now

without your buddy Stachybotrys,
are you?

Are you sure that's even mold?

It could just be
an old dust bunny.

I wish it were a dust bunny.

In fact, I wish this whole damn
wall were full of real bunnies,

but this looks like mold
that's been here for 20 years.

What's on the other
side of this wall?

Our bedroom!

Remember that night I
thought I heard something

and you said it was nothing?

Well, thank you.

You just signed
my death warrant.

If we've been sleeping in this
room with mold for 20 years,

how come we've never
had itching or asthma

or any of those other
problems we read about?

Well, that's probably because
the government hasn't found

a scientific link between mold

and any known
health problems... yet.

Then why do you keep
banging holes in my walls?

Because I'm the hunter,
and mold is my antelope.

And if I don't bang
holes in your wall,

my conscience bangs
holes in my head.

Holguin here.
I need backup.

I got a bi-room situation
at Rainey Street.

Hey, scrape that out
more carefully, will you?

It's a wall, not a pumpkin.
Whoa, whoa.

You're going to have to
stay out of the hot zone.

That's both bedrooms
and the master bath.

But where are we going to...

Automatic ice maker.

Oh, boy.

What?
What, oh, boy?

Seal off the kitchen.

Now hold on.

This is getting...
Dog house is hot!

Aspergillus.

All right, that does it.

Everybody out, now.

Hey, hold on.

I said stop.

Mr. Hill,

I understand you're upset,

but you really don't
want us out of your house.

Yes, I do.

Okay, but if I get
on this walkie-talkie

and call in a Code Charlie,

my guys'll be out of here
in 36 seconds flat.

That's how long it'll
take for your house

to become worthless.
What?

Look, you've been informed
there's mold in this house,

which means if you ever want
to sell this property...

I don't want to sell.

I plan on passing this
house down to my son.

Ooh, goodie gumdrops.
Thanks, Dad.

A worthless mold house!

Do you have any
pet birds, Mr. Hill?

No.

Good.

Can three family members
share a living room

without driving
each other crazy?

Booby, I've asked you
several times

to stop making that joke.

Now, go to your room.

...18, 19, 20.

Mr. Hill, you've
got to get out.

Aah! You get out!

Your whole house
is contaminated.

The neg air environment's
been compromised.

The what? There's
no time to explain

how it wasn't my
fault... now move!

That towel could be
filthy with mold.

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Forget the toys, the insurance
company will pay for everything.

Now move!

Leave it to you

to make a hospital gown
look unsexy, Hank.

This says 123 Rainey Street.

This is on
the Parade of Homes?

That can't be right.

Hank?

Oh, God, no,
the Parade of Homes.

Is today the fifth?

Uh...

this ranch style rambler,

with upgrades to the doors
and windows and roof,

uh, was built

by the great
grandson of, uh...

T...

Smile, Hank.

I want to get a picture
of you next to the mold.

I know, girl, I know.

Hey, what do you know?

Erin Brockovich has got mold.

And Ed McMahon.

Oh, it killed his dog, Muffin.

Maybe we'll meet them
at a survivors group.

If Lone Star Home and Casualty

is so interested
in looking for mold,

you should start with this room.

It was growing on the soap.

I'm afraid there's
nothing I can do

about the mold
in your hotel, Mr. Hill.

They don't have
a policy with Lone Star,

so there's no potential
liability on our end.

They're arguing again, Hank.

Or making love.

You pig!

Is that what you wanted?

Making love.

Uh, hey, yeah.

You got a busted latch

there, neighbors.

Yeah, anyway,
my lady and I were wondering

if you'd care to join us
for a Lynchburg lemonade.

Uh, thank you, but we were just
about to sit down to dinner.

Oh, well, cool, cool,
no biggie, okay.

Y'all have a good one.

There, I invited them!
You happy now!

Okay.

Who's ready for Peggy Hill's
coffee-maker ramen, huh?

You'd think music that loud
would kill the bugs,

but it doesn't.

I tried sleeping
in the empty swimming pool,

but, you know, the dogs.

Can I just go home?

I promise I'll put on
one of those space suits.

Dang it, Bobby.

If T. Anderson Kearney could
fight to give Texans a home,

then I can fight
to get yours back.

Rob Holguin is going to need

to use this boot remover
on his ass

when I'm done with him.

Hello, I'd like to speak
to Mr. Holguin.

Sorry, he's at lunch.

Can I take a message?

You don't have enough room on
that "While You Were Out" slip

for what I have to say.

All right, Holguin,
I'm through with your...

Hey, hey, you're that

mold tester guy, Mr. Goodman.

Well, what... what are
you two doing together?

Hey, guys. They just
put all the stuff out

for make your own sundaes.

My insurance adjuster?

This is ridiculous.

You're all in on this scam
together, aren't you?

All you guys
care about is money.

Okay, fine.

How much to get rid of you?

Is that a Cirrus machine?

Yeah, but it'll only let you
take out $300 a day.

That's just not going to cut it.

Nope, not when you got

a deal as sweet as ours.

Heck, I could throw
a dart at the phone book

and I bet you the house I hit
would test positive for mold.

And the phone book, too.

Say that other thing
you say, Rob.

You know, the "Yee-hah."

Oh, yeah..."Yee-hah! There's
gold in them there walls!"

Excuse me, sir.

I'm looking for no pest strips

for both crawling
and flying pests.

The motel I'm staying at
is a little dreary,

so if you have the ones
that look, you know,

a little festive,
that'd be good.

Oh, hell, yeah.

Dude, we got one's
with snowflakes,

we got ones with
burros on them...

I mean, they're all
pretty beautiful.

I'm coming.

Morning, Mr. Holguin.

I was wondering if
we could have a word.

Sure, come on in.

Love to show you my
new flat screen TV.

Just got it.

So, Mr. Holguin, I thought
I'd come over here

and ask you one more time,
politely,

to please leave my house alone.

Sorry, Mr. Hill, but I
just ordered a new couch.

That big TV just makes
this one look so... dinky.

Well, at least I tried.

Hey, Bill, why don't you
make yourself comfortable.

Thank you, Hank.

Oh, I almost
for got to tell you.

I just got myself certified
as a trained mold expert.

Took me 30 minutes.

Great.

Maybe I'll see you
at our conference in Aspen.

But, you know, the insurance
company will never let you

test your own house and pass it.

Now that would be a clear
conflict of interest.

I know, that's why
I'm going to test your house.

Bill, you ready?

Ready.

Ew!

Yeah, pretty gross, huh?

With the fungus and all.

Hey, is fungus a mold?
Let's find out.

Whoa, there.

Now, now, now take it easy.

Okay, let's just
talk about this.

Hey, you're testing
right near his feet.

Sorry, I'm new at this.

But after I send the results
to your insurance company,

I'm sure they'll
send someone out here

and they'll do a more
thorough search.

Punch a few holes
in your wall,

rip up your floorboards.

You know, I heard nine out
of ten houses have mold.

But who knows, maybe you'll be one
of the lucky ones.

Okay, okay.
What do you want?

Okay, Mr. Hill, you passed.

Your house is officially
mold-free. Good-bye.

Now, hold on.

We're not quite done yet.

You two owe me a parade.

So if you'll just step this way,

and I know you will...

Come on, Bobby.

Let's show them

the house that's going
to be yours someday.

This ranch-style rambler was
built by the great grandson

of T. Anderson Kearney.

Uh, you might want
to put your case down.

This is going to take a while.

Now, the funny thing
about this boot remover...

well, no so much funny
as educational...

is that it was owned by the
man who fired the first shot

at the Battle of Gonzalez.

Ripped By mstoll

Yup.