King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 8, Episode 4 - The Incredible Hank - full transcript
Peggy suspects that Hank suffers from Irritable Male Syndrome and begins spiking his coffee with testosterone, turning Hank from low-energy everyman to muscled go-getter.
Ripped By mstoll
It's a solid grill,
and at this price...
Hey! I've been standing
here for 45 minutes!
Ma'am, I'm the only one
on the floor today,
so if you could just bear
with me, I...
Mr. McKenna's delivery
never came.
Mr. McKenna, we're
a little short-handed...
Yeah, I understand you can't
grill an excuse, sir, but I...
Well, sir, I disagree.
I don't think a monkey
could do my job.
Hank!
Oh, Hank, I am so excited.
I just joined
the planning committee
for the first annual
Viva Los Arlentinos Day.
Well, I'm glad you had
a good day.
Mine's been just about
the worst one I can remember.
We had no one
on the sales floor...
It is a festival
celebrating Arlen's rich
Hispanic heritage.
And get this, Hank:
There will be an
actual bull run!
Isn't that amazing?!
It could mean a lot
of substitute
Spanish teaching gigs.
Hank, I want you to join
the committee and help out.
What do you say?
Peggy, I'm exhausted.
I don't have time for some
harebrained bull run.
Well, then, I guess
I won't have time
to prepare
your dinner tonight.
Hill, why aren't you
in the shower?
Uh, well, you know how I am
in gym class.
I barely move.
Why shower if I don't sweat?
Ah, nice try.
That'll get you
an "A" in debate,
but an "F" in gym.
Now, shower!
I always wanted to run
with the bulls.
Sometimes when I'm
being chased by dogs,
I pretend they're bulls.
Geez, Bill, why run
with the bulls?
At your weight
and cholesterol count,
if you want to hasten death,
just jump up and down
a couple of times.
No, I want the bulls to do it.
Guys, I'm too tired
to hear a bunch of nonsense
right now.
Bull runs are stupid.
They tried one
in Mesquite last year.
The bulls kept stopping
to eat grass off the sidewalk.
Things have changed, Hank.
Mesquite was a wake-up call.
Now they're pumping the bulls
with testosterone,
a bona fide magic elixir
of power.
It makes a creature
bigger, faster,
meaner, and smarter.
Like Vin Diesel.
Exactly like Vin Diesel.
Our folks are gonna
get trampled and gored
in a way those wussies
in Mesquite
could only dream of!
Hey, Bobby.
Hey, Dad.
I'm supposed to ask
you to sign this.
You're flunking P. E?
Well, how is that
even possible?
Uh, well, I guess I'm just
smaller than the other guys.
I can't keep up.
Son, P.E. Isn't
about being strong or fast
or winning points.
That stuff only matters in...
well, every single
other area of life.
But in P.E., all you
have to do is try.
Okay, I'll try.
The boy's got no fight in him.
I don't get it.
He spends five hours a day
playing violent video games.
What's the point if they don't have
any effect on him?
Maybe he's missing something.
Like testosterone!
Dale...
It's the perfect explanation.
Testosterone provides
everything Bobby's missing: Energy,
confidence, aggression,
agility, muscle, speed.
Just give him a little
extra to top him off,
and sha-sha:
Instant puberty.
I don't know.
Now, Joseph...
he's bursting with testosterone.
Hey, Joseph, wanna wrestle?
Oh, God, it hurts!
It hurts so much!
Huh.
Bobby doesn't need
testosterone.
He needs
his father's acceptance.
If only his glands
could secrete that.
Peggy, we're just taking
a growing boy to a doctor.
There's nothing wrong
with finding out if...
Hello?
What?!
I'll be there as
soon as possible.
Donna's out sick.
Now I've gotta do
all the bookkeeping
while I'm doing Joe Jack's
and Enrique's jobs.
Dang it, dang it!
All the more reason this visit
is a waste of time, Hank.
We should just...
Peggy, just drop it, okay?
Well, except for being
incurably ticklish,
I'm a hundred percent healthy!
Bobby, good work!
Now, if you'll all excuse me,
it turns out
what I gave in the sample cup
was only half the story.
So you couldn't find anything
wrong with him, Doctor?
Nope.
He's developing
at a perfectly normal rate.
Uh-huh. But shouldn't
we be giving him
maybe just a little
testosterone,
just to top him off?
You know,
jump-start that puberty?
Yes, Mr. Hill, testosterone
can "jump-start' puberty,
but I don't give
radical hormone therapy
to young boys who happen to be
mediocre at dodge ball.
Testosterone is
most commonly prescribed
to men in their 40s
with Irritable Male Syndrome.
Irritable what who?
Irritable Male Syndrome, or IMS.
It's the male equivalent
of PMS.
There's a PMS for men?
Oh, God.
Look, we don't have
time to talk politics.
I've gotta get to work.
Men's testosterone levels fluctuate
wildly throughout each day.
In some men, it can cause
lethargy, anxiety, irritability.
You have
Irritable Male Syndrome!
What?!
This is why you didn't want
to help me
with Viva Los Arlentinos Day.
This is why you've been grouchy
and sluggish and...
Dang it, Peggy,
that's ridiculous!
I'm just stressed
about my work.
Well, the stress
you're feeling at work
could be a result of IMS.
It's nothing to be ashamed of.
Just think of it like
you're having your menses.
Hank, I'm going to write you
a prescription for a low-dosage
testosterone supplement.
Go ahead and try it for a few...
I don't need testosterone.
I just need you two
to get off my got-dang back.
Let's go, Bobby.
We're done
with this jackass festival.
Testosterone could've
elevated Hank's mood,
improved his whole outlook.
Well, I should probably, uh,
turn my back and file
a chart or something.
Got-dang it!
I'm out of clean socks!
Got-dang it!
Breakfast is ready!
Well, Bobby, I've
scheduled a conference
with your P.E. Teacher so
we can discuss the problem.
Oh, my God, Dad!
Don't do that!
I... I forbid it!
Dang it.
What is going on with you?!
Don't forget
about your coffee, Hank.
Okay, the real reason
I'm failing P.E. Is...
I won't take a shower
with the other guys!
I can't!
Bobby, do not lay this trip
on your father
while he's trying to enjoy
his coffee.
He's stressed enough
without you interrupting
his coffee-drinking time.
All right, Hank, you're free
to drink your coffee.
Would you forget
about the coffee?
Bobby, no one wants to
take a shower after gym.
It's not fun,
it's not pleasant,
and usually not very sanitary,
but you do it anyway.
Why?
Because a big part
of being a man
is doing things you
don't want to do.
But there's a way
to get through it:
You just lower your eyes to the
floor and count the tiles.
In my day, there were 60.
Count the tiles.
I'll do it.
Well, I guess I'm off, too.
Wait, Hank!
Don't forget your coffee.
Yeah, I'm gonna need it
for the day I'm facing.
And I made you
some more for later.
Drink it six hours from now,
with a meal.
Do not mix it with alcohol.
Hey, dude, is that a pimple
or another nipple?
I'll take that "F."
Ta-da!
I'll take it.
You said you were
helping me next.
Does that look like me?
Ma'am, I am going to do whatever
it takes to make you happy.
Here's the 20-second tour
of the store.
Are you gettin' happy?
A little...
Yep.
Mm-hmm.
Y...
Got-dang right!
So it turns out, I am not
the actual Dale Gribble
but a clone of him.
The original me
is a super-warrior
from the year 2087.
The second me, i.e., "I"
was created to help the first me
fight the invading
Mongol armies.
Beer, please.
Dale, that's asinine,
and here's four reasons why:
First: You're not gonna clone
a super-warrior
out of a guy who can't even win
a thumb-wrestling match.
But, I...
Two: You've spent your life
swearing that the robots
will exterminate the clones
by the end of 2010,
so which is it,
robots or clones?
I suppose...
Three: You've already said
you sympathize with the invading
Mongolians of 2087,
so you'd be the last one
they'd send to fight'em.
And four:
If you were from the future,
you would've seen this coming:
Yeah, man.
Hey, any of you guys
feel like wrestling?
Even me?
Okay.
It just hurts
so damn much! Ah!
Great chicken, Peggy.
Can we have some steak, too?
Well, you certainly
seem to have a lot of energy, today.
Yep, and you know,
this afternoon,
I was pumping some iron,
and I was thinking
Arlentinos Day
is gonna be great,
and I came up with nine ways
you could expedite the workload.
Hank, I didn't even know
you cared about my...
In fact, why don't I just go
with you to the meeting tomorrow
so I can tell everyone my ideas?
I am upgrading your steak
from Salisbury to sirloin.
Thanks, Peggy.
Got-dang it, I love you.
And I love you, too, son.
How was P. E?
Well, uh... you know.
I just went in there,
in the shower,
like you said,
counted the tiles and got out.
That's great, Bobby.
Come on, let's go
do some push-ups.
Huh?
Wh?
You know, Peggy,
JAG is a rerun tonight.
Oh, Hank.
And so our bull run
will greatly resemble
the legendary bull run
of Pamplona, Spain.
Except that with ours,
the men and the bulls
will be separated at all times
by a 15-foot-high
chain-link fence.
What? That's crazy!
Hank, the insurance
is through the roof.
We do not have
the funds for it.
If we put on a bull run
with a safety fence,
our whole town will look like
a bunch
of got-dang jackasses,
and I'll be got danged
if I'm gonna let that happen!
Hank, easy.
If money's the problem,
I'll raise it myself!
I'll run with the bulls,
and I'll get every business
in the tri-county area
to sponsor me.
That'll cover the insurance
and then some.
Honey, you are amazing.
And in five days,
he's already raised
half the insurance money
for the bull run.
He is so energetic
and confident and happy
and in shape and...
Oh, sug,
he's having an affair.
Wha... Nancy,
I can assure you,
whatever's going on with Hank,
is not being caused
by another woman.
Sug, what else rejuvenates
a middle-aged man like that?
An affair
would explain everything.
Well, except for his pimples.
Oh, now, those are just
a side effect.
Side effect?
From happiness.
You know, they're just
little "zits of joy."
That iced tea ready?
Afternoon, ladies.
Oh, Hank, stop.
Hank, I've been watching
you jump that thing
for three hours now.
I'm exhausted.
Yeah, you've trained enough.
Besides, in a bull run,
the only thing you'll have
to jump over are mangled bodies.
I'm not done training,
you idiot!
Now get on that lawn mower,
and pretend
you're the bull. Now.
Okay.
Grr.
Is that all
you got? C'mon!
Hey!
My God, Hank's getting
right in the bull's face.
I'll kick your fat
bull ass! C'mon!
Ow!
You play too rough!
I'm going home.
Who wants to take his place?
Talkin' about dang ol'
no thank you, man.
I have a lot of calls
to return.
Well, fine, then.
I don't want training help
from a bunch of wussies anyway.
'Sup?
'Sup?
Hank, I picked up
some Clearasil for your acne.
Hey, where are you
heading off to so fast?
Well, I have to get
dinner ready.
Dinner can wait.
I say we hit the bedroom.
Hank, we can't
fool around now.
Your dad is on his way over
for dinner.
What?
Dang it,
he always ruins everything!
Why does he have to be here?
I got my own house so I wouldn't
have to deal with his crap.
Can you hear yourself?
Yeah, I can hear myself.
Can you hear this?
I never told you
to secretly dope your husband.
Well, you didn't say
not to, did you?
Medicine is no place
for mixed signals, Doctor.
Peggy, the amount
of testosterone
you've given
Hank is dangerous.
You've effectively caused him
to go through puberty again.
Well, that explains
the constant hair combing
and why he's hanging out
at the mall all the time.
But don't worry,
I have stopped cold turkey.
Whoa, don't do that.
When the body is given
excessive testosterone,
it stops making its own.
Consequently, Hank's testicles
may have shrunken
by as much as 20%.
Oh, my God.
This is just the kind of thing
that upsets him.
And now, with no testosterone
coming from pills
or from his own glands,
Hank's cognitive and
physical abilities
will be severely impaired.
So you're saying that my husband
will be soft, timid and weak,
and have defunct genitalia?
It's okay, Peggy.
He just needs to ease off
the testosterone gradually.
Have him wear this
for about a week.
It's a trans-scrotal patch.
Of course it is.
He'll affix it to his scrotum,
and testosterone will
absorb into his system
at slow, steady levels.
And so it's come to this.
Ah, dang it.
I don't know what's wrong.
It's like somebody sucked
all the life out of me.
Hank, I have to tell you
something.
You what?!
Minh, come quick!
Hank and Peggy having
old school, redneck,
domestic squabble
on front lawn!
How could you, Peggy?
Oh, I bet she burn
the meat loaf.
It caused what?
Why he point at his crotch
like that?
20% shrinkage?!
You want me to put a patch
on my what?!
Okay, this going in
a weird direction now.
So over these last weeks,
all my energy, my strength,
my confidence, my happiness...
Completely meaningless, Hank.
I'm sorry.
I think I want to yell at you,
but I don't know if it's me
or the hormones,
or the lack of 'em, or...
Hey, Hank!
I know you're already
all pumped up
for the big bull run,
but I thought this tape might
put you even more in the mood.
When Bull Gorings Go Bad.
You're a brave man, Hank.
Personally, I watched
two minutes of it and vomited.
Check out the pictures
on the back.
I suppose we'll have
to call your sponsors
and tell them you can't
run with the bulls tomorrow.
I'm sure they'll understand when
I explain to them that you...
Oh...
No. I made a promise
to those people.
Maybe you could wait a year.
You know,
until you're full strength?
No, sir.
Unless their checks bounced,
I'm running with the bulls.
But Hank, honey,
everything's changed.
Now you aren't even able to...
I can still do everything,
just not as well.
The only real difference
is that now I'm scared.
But if you're scared, why?
Because a man does
what he has to do.
You were scared to take
a shower in gym class,
but you did it anyway.
Well, running with
the bulls is my shower.
If you feel like
you have to run tomorrow,
at least wear this.
There is no rule
that says you can't.
No, Peggy, no
more testosterone.
I'm not going
through puberty again.
I didn't like it
when I was 14,
and I didn't like
it last week.
Your hormone level is so low
this will give you just enough
to be normal.
Like when you were a man.
Mr. Hill, we are
so grateful for
your enthusiasm
and your bravery.
You have helped the Arlen Latin
Heritage Society greatly.
Well, my pleasure.
Obviously, we wanted
to say this to you now
in the event that
you become dead
sometime within
the next half hour.
Come on, Bobby,
it's time to go to the parade!
Runners, take your places!
Hank!
Hank Hill! I demand that
you put this on yourself, now!
Peggy, put that away!
Dad, don't run with the bulls!
You don't have
to prove anything to me!
I lied to you!
I never showered!
I was too scared!
You what?!
I'm sorry! I failed you!
That's why
I'm not worth dying for!
Wear the patch, Hank!
Don't run, Dad!
Bobby, I'm running
with the bulls,
and I'm gonna do it
without the patch.
Between the drugging
and the lying,
one of us in this family
has got to show some
got-dang integrity!
Okay, Hank, macho!
Run, Hank!
All right, Hank!
This is the bravest thing I've
ever seen in my entire life.
Just count the tiles.
One, two...
That's my soap.
Three, four...
Dudes, check me out.
I call this
"eggs over easy."
Five, six...
Ripped By mstoll
It's a solid grill,
and at this price...
Hey! I've been standing
here for 45 minutes!
Ma'am, I'm the only one
on the floor today,
so if you could just bear
with me, I...
Mr. McKenna's delivery
never came.
Mr. McKenna, we're
a little short-handed...
Yeah, I understand you can't
grill an excuse, sir, but I...
Well, sir, I disagree.
I don't think a monkey
could do my job.
Hank!
Oh, Hank, I am so excited.
I just joined
the planning committee
for the first annual
Viva Los Arlentinos Day.
Well, I'm glad you had
a good day.
Mine's been just about
the worst one I can remember.
We had no one
on the sales floor...
It is a festival
celebrating Arlen's rich
Hispanic heritage.
And get this, Hank:
There will be an
actual bull run!
Isn't that amazing?!
It could mean a lot
of substitute
Spanish teaching gigs.
Hank, I want you to join
the committee and help out.
What do you say?
Peggy, I'm exhausted.
I don't have time for some
harebrained bull run.
Well, then, I guess
I won't have time
to prepare
your dinner tonight.
Hill, why aren't you
in the shower?
Uh, well, you know how I am
in gym class.
I barely move.
Why shower if I don't sweat?
Ah, nice try.
That'll get you
an "A" in debate,
but an "F" in gym.
Now, shower!
I always wanted to run
with the bulls.
Sometimes when I'm
being chased by dogs,
I pretend they're bulls.
Geez, Bill, why run
with the bulls?
At your weight
and cholesterol count,
if you want to hasten death,
just jump up and down
a couple of times.
No, I want the bulls to do it.
Guys, I'm too tired
to hear a bunch of nonsense
right now.
Bull runs are stupid.
They tried one
in Mesquite last year.
The bulls kept stopping
to eat grass off the sidewalk.
Things have changed, Hank.
Mesquite was a wake-up call.
Now they're pumping the bulls
with testosterone,
a bona fide magic elixir
of power.
It makes a creature
bigger, faster,
meaner, and smarter.
Like Vin Diesel.
Exactly like Vin Diesel.
Our folks are gonna
get trampled and gored
in a way those wussies
in Mesquite
could only dream of!
Hey, Bobby.
Hey, Dad.
I'm supposed to ask
you to sign this.
You're flunking P. E?
Well, how is that
even possible?
Uh, well, I guess I'm just
smaller than the other guys.
I can't keep up.
Son, P.E. Isn't
about being strong or fast
or winning points.
That stuff only matters in...
well, every single
other area of life.
But in P.E., all you
have to do is try.
Okay, I'll try.
The boy's got no fight in him.
I don't get it.
He spends five hours a day
playing violent video games.
What's the point if they don't have
any effect on him?
Maybe he's missing something.
Like testosterone!
Dale...
It's the perfect explanation.
Testosterone provides
everything Bobby's missing: Energy,
confidence, aggression,
agility, muscle, speed.
Just give him a little
extra to top him off,
and sha-sha:
Instant puberty.
I don't know.
Now, Joseph...
he's bursting with testosterone.
Hey, Joseph, wanna wrestle?
Oh, God, it hurts!
It hurts so much!
Huh.
Bobby doesn't need
testosterone.
He needs
his father's acceptance.
If only his glands
could secrete that.
Peggy, we're just taking
a growing boy to a doctor.
There's nothing wrong
with finding out if...
Hello?
What?!
I'll be there as
soon as possible.
Donna's out sick.
Now I've gotta do
all the bookkeeping
while I'm doing Joe Jack's
and Enrique's jobs.
Dang it, dang it!
All the more reason this visit
is a waste of time, Hank.
We should just...
Peggy, just drop it, okay?
Well, except for being
incurably ticklish,
I'm a hundred percent healthy!
Bobby, good work!
Now, if you'll all excuse me,
it turns out
what I gave in the sample cup
was only half the story.
So you couldn't find anything
wrong with him, Doctor?
Nope.
He's developing
at a perfectly normal rate.
Uh-huh. But shouldn't
we be giving him
maybe just a little
testosterone,
just to top him off?
You know,
jump-start that puberty?
Yes, Mr. Hill, testosterone
can "jump-start' puberty,
but I don't give
radical hormone therapy
to young boys who happen to be
mediocre at dodge ball.
Testosterone is
most commonly prescribed
to men in their 40s
with Irritable Male Syndrome.
Irritable what who?
Irritable Male Syndrome, or IMS.
It's the male equivalent
of PMS.
There's a PMS for men?
Oh, God.
Look, we don't have
time to talk politics.
I've gotta get to work.
Men's testosterone levels fluctuate
wildly throughout each day.
In some men, it can cause
lethargy, anxiety, irritability.
You have
Irritable Male Syndrome!
What?!
This is why you didn't want
to help me
with Viva Los Arlentinos Day.
This is why you've been grouchy
and sluggish and...
Dang it, Peggy,
that's ridiculous!
I'm just stressed
about my work.
Well, the stress
you're feeling at work
could be a result of IMS.
It's nothing to be ashamed of.
Just think of it like
you're having your menses.
Hank, I'm going to write you
a prescription for a low-dosage
testosterone supplement.
Go ahead and try it for a few...
I don't need testosterone.
I just need you two
to get off my got-dang back.
Let's go, Bobby.
We're done
with this jackass festival.
Testosterone could've
elevated Hank's mood,
improved his whole outlook.
Well, I should probably, uh,
turn my back and file
a chart or something.
Got-dang it!
I'm out of clean socks!
Got-dang it!
Breakfast is ready!
Well, Bobby, I've
scheduled a conference
with your P.E. Teacher so
we can discuss the problem.
Oh, my God, Dad!
Don't do that!
I... I forbid it!
Dang it.
What is going on with you?!
Don't forget
about your coffee, Hank.
Okay, the real reason
I'm failing P.E. Is...
I won't take a shower
with the other guys!
I can't!
Bobby, do not lay this trip
on your father
while he's trying to enjoy
his coffee.
He's stressed enough
without you interrupting
his coffee-drinking time.
All right, Hank, you're free
to drink your coffee.
Would you forget
about the coffee?
Bobby, no one wants to
take a shower after gym.
It's not fun,
it's not pleasant,
and usually not very sanitary,
but you do it anyway.
Why?
Because a big part
of being a man
is doing things you
don't want to do.
But there's a way
to get through it:
You just lower your eyes to the
floor and count the tiles.
In my day, there were 60.
Count the tiles.
I'll do it.
Well, I guess I'm off, too.
Wait, Hank!
Don't forget your coffee.
Yeah, I'm gonna need it
for the day I'm facing.
And I made you
some more for later.
Drink it six hours from now,
with a meal.
Do not mix it with alcohol.
Hey, dude, is that a pimple
or another nipple?
I'll take that "F."
Ta-da!
I'll take it.
You said you were
helping me next.
Does that look like me?
Ma'am, I am going to do whatever
it takes to make you happy.
Here's the 20-second tour
of the store.
Are you gettin' happy?
A little...
Yep.
Mm-hmm.
Y...
Got-dang right!
So it turns out, I am not
the actual Dale Gribble
but a clone of him.
The original me
is a super-warrior
from the year 2087.
The second me, i.e., "I"
was created to help the first me
fight the invading
Mongol armies.
Beer, please.
Dale, that's asinine,
and here's four reasons why:
First: You're not gonna clone
a super-warrior
out of a guy who can't even win
a thumb-wrestling match.
But, I...
Two: You've spent your life
swearing that the robots
will exterminate the clones
by the end of 2010,
so which is it,
robots or clones?
I suppose...
Three: You've already said
you sympathize with the invading
Mongolians of 2087,
so you'd be the last one
they'd send to fight'em.
And four:
If you were from the future,
you would've seen this coming:
Yeah, man.
Hey, any of you guys
feel like wrestling?
Even me?
Okay.
It just hurts
so damn much! Ah!
Great chicken, Peggy.
Can we have some steak, too?
Well, you certainly
seem to have a lot of energy, today.
Yep, and you know,
this afternoon,
I was pumping some iron,
and I was thinking
Arlentinos Day
is gonna be great,
and I came up with nine ways
you could expedite the workload.
Hank, I didn't even know
you cared about my...
In fact, why don't I just go
with you to the meeting tomorrow
so I can tell everyone my ideas?
I am upgrading your steak
from Salisbury to sirloin.
Thanks, Peggy.
Got-dang it, I love you.
And I love you, too, son.
How was P. E?
Well, uh... you know.
I just went in there,
in the shower,
like you said,
counted the tiles and got out.
That's great, Bobby.
Come on, let's go
do some push-ups.
Huh?
Wh?
You know, Peggy,
JAG is a rerun tonight.
Oh, Hank.
And so our bull run
will greatly resemble
the legendary bull run
of Pamplona, Spain.
Except that with ours,
the men and the bulls
will be separated at all times
by a 15-foot-high
chain-link fence.
What? That's crazy!
Hank, the insurance
is through the roof.
We do not have
the funds for it.
If we put on a bull run
with a safety fence,
our whole town will look like
a bunch
of got-dang jackasses,
and I'll be got danged
if I'm gonna let that happen!
Hank, easy.
If money's the problem,
I'll raise it myself!
I'll run with the bulls,
and I'll get every business
in the tri-county area
to sponsor me.
That'll cover the insurance
and then some.
Honey, you are amazing.
And in five days,
he's already raised
half the insurance money
for the bull run.
He is so energetic
and confident and happy
and in shape and...
Oh, sug,
he's having an affair.
Wha... Nancy,
I can assure you,
whatever's going on with Hank,
is not being caused
by another woman.
Sug, what else rejuvenates
a middle-aged man like that?
An affair
would explain everything.
Well, except for his pimples.
Oh, now, those are just
a side effect.
Side effect?
From happiness.
You know, they're just
little "zits of joy."
That iced tea ready?
Afternoon, ladies.
Oh, Hank, stop.
Hank, I've been watching
you jump that thing
for three hours now.
I'm exhausted.
Yeah, you've trained enough.
Besides, in a bull run,
the only thing you'll have
to jump over are mangled bodies.
I'm not done training,
you idiot!
Now get on that lawn mower,
and pretend
you're the bull. Now.
Okay.
Grr.
Is that all
you got? C'mon!
Hey!
My God, Hank's getting
right in the bull's face.
I'll kick your fat
bull ass! C'mon!
Ow!
You play too rough!
I'm going home.
Who wants to take his place?
Talkin' about dang ol'
no thank you, man.
I have a lot of calls
to return.
Well, fine, then.
I don't want training help
from a bunch of wussies anyway.
'Sup?
'Sup?
Hank, I picked up
some Clearasil for your acne.
Hey, where are you
heading off to so fast?
Well, I have to get
dinner ready.
Dinner can wait.
I say we hit the bedroom.
Hank, we can't
fool around now.
Your dad is on his way over
for dinner.
What?
Dang it,
he always ruins everything!
Why does he have to be here?
I got my own house so I wouldn't
have to deal with his crap.
Can you hear yourself?
Yeah, I can hear myself.
Can you hear this?
I never told you
to secretly dope your husband.
Well, you didn't say
not to, did you?
Medicine is no place
for mixed signals, Doctor.
Peggy, the amount
of testosterone
you've given
Hank is dangerous.
You've effectively caused him
to go through puberty again.
Well, that explains
the constant hair combing
and why he's hanging out
at the mall all the time.
But don't worry,
I have stopped cold turkey.
Whoa, don't do that.
When the body is given
excessive testosterone,
it stops making its own.
Consequently, Hank's testicles
may have shrunken
by as much as 20%.
Oh, my God.
This is just the kind of thing
that upsets him.
And now, with no testosterone
coming from pills
or from his own glands,
Hank's cognitive and
physical abilities
will be severely impaired.
So you're saying that my husband
will be soft, timid and weak,
and have defunct genitalia?
It's okay, Peggy.
He just needs to ease off
the testosterone gradually.
Have him wear this
for about a week.
It's a trans-scrotal patch.
Of course it is.
He'll affix it to his scrotum,
and testosterone will
absorb into his system
at slow, steady levels.
And so it's come to this.
Ah, dang it.
I don't know what's wrong.
It's like somebody sucked
all the life out of me.
Hank, I have to tell you
something.
You what?!
Minh, come quick!
Hank and Peggy having
old school, redneck,
domestic squabble
on front lawn!
How could you, Peggy?
Oh, I bet she burn
the meat loaf.
It caused what?
Why he point at his crotch
like that?
20% shrinkage?!
You want me to put a patch
on my what?!
Okay, this going in
a weird direction now.
So over these last weeks,
all my energy, my strength,
my confidence, my happiness...
Completely meaningless, Hank.
I'm sorry.
I think I want to yell at you,
but I don't know if it's me
or the hormones,
or the lack of 'em, or...
Hey, Hank!
I know you're already
all pumped up
for the big bull run,
but I thought this tape might
put you even more in the mood.
When Bull Gorings Go Bad.
You're a brave man, Hank.
Personally, I watched
two minutes of it and vomited.
Check out the pictures
on the back.
I suppose we'll have
to call your sponsors
and tell them you can't
run with the bulls tomorrow.
I'm sure they'll understand when
I explain to them that you...
Oh...
No. I made a promise
to those people.
Maybe you could wait a year.
You know,
until you're full strength?
No, sir.
Unless their checks bounced,
I'm running with the bulls.
But Hank, honey,
everything's changed.
Now you aren't even able to...
I can still do everything,
just not as well.
The only real difference
is that now I'm scared.
But if you're scared, why?
Because a man does
what he has to do.
You were scared to take
a shower in gym class,
but you did it anyway.
Well, running with
the bulls is my shower.
If you feel like
you have to run tomorrow,
at least wear this.
There is no rule
that says you can't.
No, Peggy, no
more testosterone.
I'm not going
through puberty again.
I didn't like it
when I was 14,
and I didn't like
it last week.
Your hormone level is so low
this will give you just enough
to be normal.
Like when you were a man.
Mr. Hill, we are
so grateful for
your enthusiasm
and your bravery.
You have helped the Arlen Latin
Heritage Society greatly.
Well, my pleasure.
Obviously, we wanted
to say this to you now
in the event that
you become dead
sometime within
the next half hour.
Come on, Bobby,
it's time to go to the parade!
Runners, take your places!
Hank!
Hank Hill! I demand that
you put this on yourself, now!
Peggy, put that away!
Dad, don't run with the bulls!
You don't have
to prove anything to me!
I lied to you!
I never showered!
I was too scared!
You what?!
I'm sorry! I failed you!
That's why
I'm not worth dying for!
Wear the patch, Hank!
Don't run, Dad!
Bobby, I'm running
with the bulls,
and I'm gonna do it
without the patch.
Between the drugging
and the lying,
one of us in this family
has got to show some
got-dang integrity!
Okay, Hank, macho!
Run, Hank!
All right, Hank!
This is the bravest thing I've
ever seen in my entire life.
Just count the tiles.
One, two...
That's my soap.
Three, four...
Dudes, check me out.
I call this
"eggs over easy."
Five, six...
Ripped By mstoll