King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 8, Episode 20 - Hank's Back - full transcript

Ripped By mstoll

Hank, it's hot again!

It's Indian summer.

Okay, Joe Jack,
you're on spatulas.

Enrique, accessories.

If we get any more crowded,
we'll go zone.

Can I just get my tank filled?

You know, I could do this

on the Internet
for half the price.

I've been here
longer than him.

"Service" means
"serve us."



He's right.

Great!

You're taking a break!

Well, this all looks normal.

Normal? I spent all day at work
bent over like an "L."

Good posture is one of a
salesman's most potent weapons.

I'm sorry, Mr. Hill.
I understand it's painful,

but soft tissue injury just
doesn't show up on film.

Huh, so how do you fix it?

Well, there's really
nothing I can do.

What your back needs is rest.

Just have your office
send over

your workers'
compensation forms,

and I'll sign off on them.



Workers' comp?!

Do I look like a hobo to you?

No, sir!
I'm not going on welfare.

It's Indian summer!

Well, if you insist
on working,

I'll write you a prescription
for pain medicine.

Whoa, there,
Dr. Feelgood.

I work at a propane
dealership, not Woodstock.

Then I'm sorry,
but all Western medicine

can really offer you
are drugs and nothing.

But some people have had
good luck with yoga.

I heart here's a studio
over in McMaynerbury.

Yoga?
Isn't that a cult?

The group that rented the space
before them was a cult.

That's probably
what you're thinking of.

So, those are my choices?

Workers' comp, drugs, or yoga?

I hate to ask you this,
but I'm going to need

some help putting
my pants back on.

I hope I'm not being fussy.

Actually, I know I'm not.

But you put my canned tomatoes
on top of my bread

and my chicken
right next to my bleach.

So?

So, I think
my family deserves better

than poisoned chicken sandwiches
on crushed bread.

Manager on four, please.

Forget the ID, Mandy.

Just sell her the cigarettes.

This lady's got some deal

about the chicken
or the bag or something.

Peggy?! Do you know
who this lady is?

This is Peggy Platter,
the greatest bagger

the Pink and White ever saw!

I'm Peggy Hill now,
but I think I still remember

which end the food goes into.

Whoo, its been a long time

since I was on this side
of the dairy case.

Those were the
days, huh, Pete?

Me cutting my teeth in produce,

and you anchoring
check stand three.

Regular dream team.

I know you've got
fresher milk back there!

Put it out!

Ah, everything's changed.

Ever since Mega-Lo-Mart
started selling groceries,

all folks want is low prices,

convenient parking
and huge selection.

I can't compete.

Yes, you can.

With great,
old-fashioned service.

The kind I used to deliver.

Peggy, are you saying?

No, I'm not saying.
I'm bagging!

Pete, fire up
your label maker.

I'm going to need a name tag.

Relax.

I'm going to move the energy

from your thighs
to your buttocks now.

Hey, is my back straight?

Face the wall!

Uh, hello.

I was wondering
if yoga can help my back,

because it hurts like all...

Huh?!

Let me tell you a story.

Once I was like you...
skeptical, nearsighted, paunchy.

Then I met a special friend.

This glorious friend took me
to places I thought I'd never...

Excuse me, but is this
one of those stories

where this "special friend"
of yours turns out to be yoga?

What time do you
evacuate your bowels?

What? There's only
one right answer...

between 4:00 and 6:00
in the morning.

Well, this was

a great way
to spend a lunch hour.

Lunch is one of the worst things
you can do to yourself.

Dad, I learned
how to do a wheelie.

Watch!

Pretty impressive, son.

Extreme.

How was it?

Crap wheelie.

Dad, you look like
that old man

we hate getting stuck behind

in the buffet line at Luly's.

Uh... yeah, I just got
a little knot in my back.

It's nothing.

Have you tried walking it off?

That's great advice, Bobby.

I'll finish up here,
then walk it off a little later.

I didn't want
to tell Bobby this,

but I spent all morning
trying to walk it off.

I guess
we're just getting old.

I used to be able to pull
my thumb back this far

without it hurting.

Now, when I do it, it hurts.

It was easier
back in high school.

When you didn't feel so great,

Coach Sauers
would just give you

some of those "go" pills,
and you felt like

you could take on
the Dallas Cowboys.

Man, you talkin'
'bout them dang ol' "go" pills, man?

Talkin' 'bout
them ol' horse crank, man.

Yeah, Coach's special vitamins

really did the trick.

I broke my leg
going for a touchdown,

and I didn't realize
it for two days!

Took seven police officers
to get me into that ambulance.

Well, I may not have
"go" pills,

but I have something else

that's going to get me
through this...

my work ethic.

Hear! Hear!

Oh, fine, I'll use a coaster.

Okay, big day today, folks.

Joe Jack, get those tanks
polished.

Donna, where are those
P.O.'s I asked for?

I'm Melinda.

Oh, sorry.

The new shoes threw me.

Maybe you should just go home.

What are you talking about,
uh, Brown Shoes?

I'm fine.

Uh, I'm just gonna
move this over there.

And now for the test.

I'm ready, Chet.

Open the line.

Paper or plastic?

Plastic.

That was a rhetorical question.

Hank, I had the
most amazing day.

Maybe good bagging
doesn't save lives,

but I'd like to see
a heart surgeon

pack a watermelon and light
bulbs in the same bag.

Yeah, uh, could you open
this freezer for me?

I got it started.

Hank, this is ridiculous.

You're gonna file
for Workers' Comp

and lie around this house
until you are healthy.

No! What kind of message
am I sending Bobby

if I get paid for laying around

doing nothing?

Hmm, maybe you're right.

How's your back, honey?

Great, Joe Jack.

How's your gambling problem?

I'm sorry, Joe Jack.

I'm just a little under...

Hank, I can't have
my salespeople

all hunched over
talking to themselves.

It ain't good for business.

You give any thought
to going on Workers' Comp?

Rest easy,
Mr. Strickland.

That's not gonna happen.

Whoa! Slow down, Old Top.

If you go on Worker's Comp,
I can have Joe Jack's cousin

fill in for you
for half the pay

and still have half to buy
my new lady some studio time.

Mr. Strickland,
as long as I'm breathing,

I'm gonna do my job.

Now, if you'll excuse me, sir,

I have some new tongs
that need displaying.

I'm okay. I'm okay.

Enrique, could you hand me one
of those Workers' Comp forms?

And a pen.

Wait, never mind.

There's a bunch under this desk.

So what are we looking at here?

Slip and fall, carpal tunnel?

Oh, here it is.

"Lifted
two propane tanks at once."

Yeah, I almost
wrote "temporary insanity."

Boy, a lot

of paperwork, huh?

Mmm. It's half my job.

The other half
is exposing fakers.

Why would anybody fake it?

I love the look
on a customer's face

when I top off
their propane tank.

The government can't send me

that kind
of satisfaction in the mail.

Mr. Hill, you can
take it down a notch.

Okay. You need
to see a doctor.

I already saw a doctor.

Just for fun, see our doctor.

There's nothing here,

but you say that you
can't straighten up?

Well, maybe the first thing
we should look at...

What did you do that for?

It slipped.

As I was saying,
back injuries vary.

I've found the best
course of treatment...

What the got-danged?

Oh, well played, Mr. Hill.

It's my medical opinion
that you might not be faking.

Go home. Wait for your check.

Well, aren't you gonna help me?

I don't want a check.

I just want to get back to work.

I already said
well played, Mr. Hill.

Back trouble?

You look like you
could use a second opinion.

Torn cartilage...

hernia, stress trauma...

Oh, we're going to need
a lot more X rays.

More? I've had 40 got-danged
X rays in two days.

Well, nobody said making money
was easy, Mr. Hill.

Think of getting X rays
as your new job.

Oh, and for your
emotional distress,

here's the number
of a very sympathetic lawyer.

"Accidente?!"

Hey, this guy's on TV.

This consultation

is over.

And you have
a great day, you hear?

You know, bagging groceries

has given me a strange
window into people's lives.

I put their secrets
in a paper sack.

I tell them to have a great day,

but I'm not sure they do.

I'm up to three beers
on my lunch break.

Mmm. Yup.

Yep.

Mm-hmm.

Yup.

All I want to do is go to work

and everybody's acting like

I'm trying to pull off
some kind of scam.

Your shoe's untied, Bill.

How embarrassing.

I thought I'd removed the
laces from these shoes.

Yeah, man,
you been knocked down

in your prime, man,
just talkin' 'bout,

like, like dang ol'
Brian's Song, man.

That part when
they go dang ol' talkin' 'bout

ol' "Hang in there, Pic."

You'll see, Hank.

Lying around the house alone

all day isn't so bad.

After a while,
your couch and your TV

will become
your mother and father.

The couch is your mother.

Clearly, you are
not yet comfortable

being a leech on the system.

Slither into America's large
intestine and clamp on, Hank.

Sorry, Dale,
but that's not for me.

My first Workers' Comp
check came today

and I don't even
want to open it.

Well, if you're determined to
hold on to your blind prejudice

against being a parasite, maybe
you should go see John Redcorn.

Nancy used to get
his deep massages

and come home limp as a noodle.

Oh, Hank, you look
lonely down there.

Bill.

Sorry.

Uh...

Hank?

Uh...

Funny story, John Redcorn, uh...

See, I'm in terrible pain.

♪ Close the door... ♪

Yeah... So, uh...

This is my first massage.

Put your face in the hole, Hank.

Can you make
the lights any brighter?

That's as bright as they go.

Is this Luther Vandross?

Teddy Pendergrass.

Can you, uh, turn it off?

No. It's wired to the lights.

Guess I'll begin.

Yeah.

I was also thinking
about yoga.

Yoga's great.

Do it, man.
Forget the massage.

Oh, look who's
come crawling back.

Hank, why does your yoga mat
say "Welcome?"

Because where I get my mats,
they don't sell yoga mats.

And let's get started
with Pavanamuk tasana.

That's a funny name,
pavanamuk?

It means
the Wind-Relieving Pose.

Why do they call it that?

Breathe through your feet.

Draw the air from the floor,

through your ankles...

Breathe through your feet?

You know, most men
desire control.

Yogis control desire.

Excuse me, Victor.

Uh, Victor? Vic?

Yogi Victor.

Yes?

We've been doing these stretches

for half an hour.

When do we start the yoga?

Hank, do you tell your blood

to start moving through your
veins?

Or the air
to start filling your lungs?

You probably do.

You know, Vince Lombardi

won five championships
without ever using sarcasm.

He just yelled
and shoved people.

Until you learn how to do that,
I'm out of here.

Hey... I'm bending.

Son of a gun,

it's working!

It's not working.

It is.

This is the first time

I've ever been disgusted
by the human body.

As you breathe into this pose,

remember: I have
a new relaxation tape

of me making ocean noises.

And Friday night,

my band will be performing

at the Pita Pocket
on Wimberley Road.

The pain... it's gone.

I'm better!

I can finally quit
this nonsense.

One can't leave yoga, Hank.

Yoga...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Everything is one way,
then it's the opposite.

Gotta go.

I saw a man and a woman
buying the same kind of soup

and I introduced them.

Maybe I can even find
someone for you, Pete.

Heck, who'd want a 40-year-old
supermarket manager?

Mmm, good point.

Peggy,

my back's all better!

Yep, that yoga mumbo-jumbo
almost drove me crazy.

But you can't argue
with this...

Where are you going?

To work!

Aw, dang it,

it's already 5:00.

I wonder if I'll be able
to sleep tonight!

God, I feel great!

Say "fraud!"

I'm gonna leave
a little early,

pick up a "It's Good to be
Back" cake for the gang.

Feeling better, Mr. Hill?

I knew you
were a fraud from the get-go.

Fraud?! What?

No, I've only been better
a few hours.

Sure. Let me guess...

you were just
on your way to work.

I was!
Look at my shirt!

Oh, please.

My teenage daughter
has a work shirt that says "Hank".

Mr. Hill, the law takes a very
dim view of workers' comp fraud.

Oh, God... Are we talking
about the bunco squad?

I'll see you
at the fraud inquiry.

Feel free to wear the shirt.

I'd love to help you, Hank,
but you're on your own.

Mr. Strickland!

I know you're telling
the truth,

but when I get on the stand,

I got a nasty habit
of incriminating myself.

We can't have both of us
in the pokey.

What about Team Strickland?

Yeah, I never understood
what you meant by that, Hank.

Now, I need to get Jasmine
to the studio.

I got a record to produce.

Putout that cigarette.

You're gonna hurt your pipes.

I was going crazy when
I was out of work for a week.

Now I could be out
of propane forever.

Who's going to hire
a guy convicted of fraud?

Oh, I'll hire you, Hank.

I can always use a convict

to blame my shoddy work on.

Mr. Hill,

workers' comp fraud
is a very big problem

in this state.

You know how many mailmen
slipped on ice last year?

412.

You know how much ice
we got in Texas?

None.

Mr. Chairman, I know you see me
as a cheat and a fraud.

But back when I played football
at Arlen High,

I called a penalty on myself
for illegal motion.

Wait, you played for Arlen?

Yep, running back.

Would've probably won State
if our special teams,

and my ankle,
hadn't broken down.

I played for Arlen, too.

Class of '75.

I was one
of the "Sack-tastic Four."

Wait, you were the one
who yelled,

"It's clobbering time."

Mr. Hill, you seem
like a decent guy,

and I'd really like
to believe you,

but you don't have pictures.

This lady has pictures.

She took those
after I did my yoga.

You did yoga?

Are you sure you played
American football, not soccer?

No, no. I hate soccer.

I just went to that place
because...

Uh, Mr. Chairman,
if it pleases the fraud hearing,

I would like to call
a surprise witness.

Wow, we've never had
one of those before.

This room has an awful energy.

Now, which one of you
doubts my powers?

You? You?

You?

Calm down, fella.

Your powers
aren't under investigation here.

Now, could you please tell us
about Mr. Hill's rehabilitation?

I can attest that
he came to class

complaining of
debilitating back pain,

attended three
classes, and he left.

He bought no merchandise,

and complained
about the incense.

Okay, and for the record,

could you explain the nature
of your yoga treatment.

I could try,
but how could you put this

into the record?

Mmm...

Mmm... ooh.

Mr. Hill, this guy is
not helping your case.

Exactly.

Let me ask you,
what healthy person

would voluntarily spend
five minutes with this joker?

If I wasn't in horrible pain,

wouldn't I have kicked
this guy's ass?

We find for Hank Hill.

Congratulations.

Oh, thank God.

Why are you rewarding this man

for abandoning the yoga way?!

Look at him!

He's clenched
from his back muscles

down to his inner eye.

You can't deny you still hurt.

Is that true, Mr. Hill?

Are you still experiencing
any pain?

Just an occasional twinge.

I'm sorry, Mr. Hill,

but we can't risk
you having a relapse.

You're going to have to continue
your treatment.

I demand you buy a tank top.

I just had the most
brilliant idea.

As a promotion,
I could compete

against some sort
of bagging machine.

A Russian bagging machine.

Uh, I don't know if
that's gonna happen, Peggy.

Pink & White's
going out of business.

Turns out people
really do care

more about low prices
than good bagging.

I can't believe it.

Chet and I got offers
from Mega Lo Mart.

Why don't you come with?

Mm-mm, not for me.

Maybe, in another 20 years,

people will appreciate
bagging again.

Sure doesn't look like it.

And when they do,

Peggy Hill will be ready.

That jackass at the Yoga center

calls this one,
"Sun salutation,"

but I prefer
"Modified Joe Theisman."

Hey, Hank,
I feel, like, at one

with everything right now.

I just felt my
chakra open, honey.

Now we're gonna move
into something I call,

"Fertilizing the Lawn."

Ripped By mstoll