King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 8, Episode 17 - How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Alamo - full transcript

Ripped By mstoll

We are now finished
with the American history

portion of our class.

So today we begin
our unit on Texas history.

Yes! Texas history!
I can't wait to tell my dad!

There'll be steaks
for dinner tonight.

My book is broken.

Well, listen more carefully.

Tada!

New textbooks?

They're so,
they're so beautiful.



Now don't let the science
teachers hear about this.

Their bunsen burners
have been hooked up

to nothing for years.

I never even
seen a new textbook.

Now I get to decide
who gets mustaches

and who gets devil horns.

Okay, now remember
these represent

Texas and a lot of money.

So keep your naked ladies
and your words to rock songs

out of the margins.

You doodle in these books

and I am going
to doodle you an F.

Now that's what I call
a clean pair of glasses.

What are you looking for, Bobby?



A cover for my new text book.

Fire up the grill, Dad,
we just started Texas history.

Texas history?

Son, today you are officially
a Texan. Congratulations.

Bobby, you can't cover
a book that important

with aluminum foil.

You need to use a paper bag.

Okay.

This one's pretty.

No!

I've got a brown
paper bag in the garage.

And your mother only went here

to buy athletic socks.

They make a very
good athletic sock.

I'm sorry, I can't
go walking, Sug.

I have to answer this mail
that came to the station.

Well, that's okay.

I'm on that
all-you-can-eat bacon diet

and my time would probably
be better spent

eating more bacon.

Listen to this.

"Because of your
inaccurate forecast,

"my wedding was ruined,

you ass."

Oh, my God,
look at that picture.

She is dripping wet.

This, Sug, is the ugly
side of meteorology.

It isn't all
free makeup samples

and riding in a convertible

in the Arlen Day parade.

What the hell is this?

Some kind of voodoo doll?
My nose is not that big.

That is Flat Stanley.

Teachers have their students

send them out
to far away places.

Then you take pictures of him,

send it back,

and the kids learn
about geography.

What do these people
want from me?

I am not God.

Although I am not
teaching at school this week,

the world
is my classroom, Nancy.

I'll take care
of Flat Stanley.

Now, I'll start
with a photo at Lake Arlen.

Is it going to rain today?

Why am I asking you?

Well, Bobby sure is lucky.

He's got 30 more years

of Texas history
to learn then we did.

I defy anyone to sit
through that class

without becoming a man
of courage and conviction.

I truly believe
that if I hadn't

taken Texas history
I'd be dead by my own hand.

Dad, you've got to help me!

My first Texas history test

is tomorrow
and I left my textbook

at school!

Can't use Joseph's!

Don't worry.
I still have

my old textbook.

You can study from that.

Didn't they make
you turn it in?

The student with
the highest grade

got to keep their textbook.

Back then they knew
how to motivate a teenager.

Thanks, Dad.

I don't want to fail
and end up in summer school.

There's no air conditioning
and half the kids are pregnant.

Well, no son of mine
is going to flunk

Texas history.

Now what does the test cover?

Texas 1830 to 1840.

That's the Texas Revolution.

If you were only going to learn
one piece of Texas history,

that'd be the one.

New Year's Day, 1830.

The smell of fresh
chopped cottonwood

wafted across the plains.

This isn't in the book,

I just wanted to set the mood.

Now this is the perfect place

to take a picture
of Flat Stanley.

More frozen poultry
passes through this

loading dock than any other

in Heimlich County.

It is like the Ellis Island
for dead chickens.

Aunt Peggy, I have
a Flat Stanley question.

Why is he flat?

Exactly, Luanne.

And if you're asking that,
how many other

eight-year-olds
who send us Stanley,

ask the same thing.

Why is Flat Stanley flat?

Because he wasn't careful
and got tragically

and painfully flattened.

Flat Stanley can do more than
just teach geography.

He can save lives.

Put him under that semi.

I will call this one
Look Both Ways Before Dying.

Dad, I failed!

Failed what?

My Texas history test.

Looks like I'm on my way
to summer school.

But how?
We went over everything.

Didn't you listen?

Yes! Steven F. Austin,
imprisoned 1833!

Battle of Gonzalez, 1835!

But none of that stuff
was on the test.

"The planting of the
first Poinsettias?"

Is that your new book?
Let me see it.

"The Introduction
of the Accordion"?

A whole chapter on Selena?

Where are the chapters
about the Alamo?

Oh, here we go.

"The Alamo was a mission
in present-day San Antonio.

Population 1.5 million."

That's it?

Maybe the Alamo
just isn't that important.

It is the most inspiring event

in all of Texas history!

Heroes giving their lives so
that Texas could be free.

There's got to be more in here.

Wait, wait.

I think I saw something else
about it.

Oh, that's the
first Taco Bell.

How can you call a book
Texas history

when there's barely
any history in it?

You familiar with
a little thing

called the
"Serenity Prayer," Hank?

Because this is one
of those things I can't change.

But where's the Texas history
we grew up with, Carl?

You wore a coonskin cap

from the eighth through
the 11th grade.

Davy Crockett isn't even
mentioned in here.

Sorry, Hank, but you're going to
have to take your complaint

to the school board.

Hey, and while you're there,

could you ask 'em
why it's taking so long

to get some chalk?

But don't say
I told you to ask.

: Now, firearm safety is one
of the most important issues

facing our children today.

Would it be easier

to just have the children
not to shoot guns?

Snap out of your
dream world, Luanne!

Fire!

Aunt Peggy, no!

How many times does
he have to get shot?

Until he learns his lesson.

Mr. Hill, these are several
factors we have to consider

when ordering textbooks.

They have to be relevant
to today's kids

and hold their attention.

We're competing against
MTV, you know.

No, you're not.

The fact is, some things
just have to go.

Our lawyers are very concerned
about the weight of books.

Do you know how long it
takes for a 60-pound kid

with a 20-pound backpack
to destroy his back?

2.5 years.

We actually used
that question in the new math books.

But the Texas Revolution,

how could you not include that?

It was making a lot
of people uncomfortable.

Who?!

Lawyers, mostly.

But these kids are Texans.

They need to feel like Texans.

Yeah! These kids aren't
learning anything!

Well...

...you got Tuttle's vote.

Maybe the two of you can build
some kind of coalition

and come back when we order our
next new textbooks... in 2032.

Bruce Tuttle.

I was here trying to get
some seed money

for an educational film
of the life and times of LBJ.

They wouldn't spring for it.

LBJ would make a great movie.

And in this "textbook"
all they've got

is one picture of him lifting
his dog by the ears.

And that was for a unit

on active seniors.

Fighting those idiots
has got me starving.

You hungry?

I could eat.

There's more Texas history
on this place mat

than in all of my son
Bobby's textbook.

You know, down near
San Antonio

they do a reenactment of the
Battle of Goliad every week.

It stinks, but at least
they got their shot.

Hey, if they can do that,
why can't we put on

a reenactment of the Alamo?

That'd be a great way
to teach the kids.

Sure. But there's no way the
school board would pay for it.

Maybe they won't have to.

I bet Buck Strickland
will foot the bill.

He was talking about
sponsoring a soccer team,

but this is a much better use
of the money.

Is it okay if I write
and direct it?

I write the flyer
for the feed store

and always wanted to branch out.

I read that flyer.

That's a good flyer.

Thanks. It's my baby.

They don't pay me, but still,
it's a credit.

But this reenactment...

it could really be something

that makes people sit up
and take notice.

Let's do it.

Hey, this calls for
a celebration.

What kind of pie says heroism?

Strawberry.

Of course.

Oh, stupid Texas history.

I can't believe I'm going
to summer school.

They don't even serve lunch...

just raisins and skim milk.

And they only
open one bathroom.

I am sure you won't have
to go to summer school.

No one really wants
to teach it.

Just try to do
some extra credit.

I have students hold doors
for me.

Now, please put
your finger here

so I can staple his groin
together.

Bobby, Peggy,

I just met a man named
Bruce Tuttle,

and we're doing
a historical reenactment

of the Alamo.

A reenactment?

Hey, that could be
my extra credit.

Can I be in it?

Well, Bruce did say a lot
of the soldiers were teenagers.

I bet he could use someone
like you to keep it authentic.

That's my specialty...
keeping it real.

Authentic, Bobby, authentic.

Yep. If the school won't teach
my boy Texas history

this reenactment will.

Can I help build
the set, Hank?

It might make me feel better

about falling asleep
in the men's room

at the Alamo Imax movie.

Yeah, man, count me in, man,
use my dang ol' bowie knife,

man, talkin' 'bout dang ol'...

"Victory or death."

You can all help.

We'll be an all-
volunteer crew...

just like the real Alamo.

Sirs, I bring news
from the front.

You can get two
Just a burgers for 49 cents

at Whataburger this week.

I have 49 cents.

The general also sends word...

Ladybird's water bowl
is empty.

Hank, Bobby's making me
uncomfortable again.

Spank him.

Shut up, Dale.

Bobby's practicing for
the reenactment.

Mr. Tuttle said
I can play

James Butler Bonham,
Alamo messenger.

And my teacher said
I can get extra credit

to make up for my "F."

That's great.

You know, the messenger is
the first one to die.

Messenger, bring word

to my wife... we make
love on the 'morrow.

Everything has to look

as real as possible.

We do this right,

and more than just the eyes
of Arlen will be upon us.

That's right.

Kids from all over
Heimlich County

are being bussed in.

Even Durndle and East Rumpert.

Ah, thanks, doll.

Hey, everybody meet

my baby-sitter,
Sharla.

Hey, y'all.

She's helping me out
with the actors.

You just missed
a hell of a rehearsal.

Leave it to Bruce to find

the best hook-handed actor
in Heimlich County.

What can I say?
I think of everything.

So, Hank, how's
the set coming?

Well, we've already cut
the design out

of one-by and quarter inch
plywood.

You sound like
a big Hollywood set designer.

I guess that makes me a big
Hollywood director.

Someday, eh?

You know, I joke about

running off to Hollywood
and abandoning my kids,

but I don't think I could
really go through with it.

Ah...

I've got work to do.

Nice and steady, guys.

The Alamo looks
beautiful at dusk.

Oh, yeah.

If it were a painting
it would be called

"Painting of Sun
Setting on Alamo."

I'm gonna practice
my line, Dad.

Okay, son.

Sir, Santa Anna's men
outnumber us by the thousands.

General Houston
sends his regards

but no additional troops.

Well, it looks like
the Mexican army

is flying the flag
of No Quarter.

Gentlemen,
how should we respond?

On your order, I shall
load the cannon.

Yeah, man, talkin'
'bout dang ol' kaboom, man.

We will never surrender...

or retreat...

We sure won't, Dad.

All right, then.

That's it for tonight, guys.

Tomorrow's the big day...

a chance for everyone
to be at the Alamo.

I'm so excited, I don't know
how I'm going to sleep.

Better drink up.

Well, I guess if it's
to teach the kids.

Do we really have to worry

about children wandering
into pork plants

and climbing
onto the kill line?

Not if I do my job.

Hank, I just had an idea...

well, it was more
of an inspiration.

I want to open the play
with a speech

from a new character...
"The Ghost of the Alamo."

What do you think?

Uh, ghost?

Well, it's just a device
to set the stage

to let people know how they
should feel

about what they're watching.

Huh. Sounds kind
of creative,

but okay, you're the writer.

And the director.

Places.

Finally.

I can't wait to see it.

I am the ghost of the Alamo.

He's pretty spooky.

They say to remember
the Alamo.

Well, heed their call.

The story is timeless,
a lesson to all.

Where are our heroes?

Don't look for them here.

The world's not so simple.

The world's not so clear.

Uh... I don't get it.

Davy Crockett. Thank God.

It has become clear that
I will never make it back

to my beloved Tennessee.

If I were a stronger man

I guess I wouldn't be here.

I would have faced up
to my demons

instead of using dead Indians
and Mexicans

as stepping stones back
to the Senate.

Vengeance is the Lord's

and he has sent his army
to vanquish us

for our transgressions.

We're all damned.

Don't go looking for
your opium, Davy.

Travis smoked it all up.

I gave half
to the prostitutes.

What?!

That's not part of the Alamo.

Tell them to stop.

No, this is right.

Bruce moved the big
escape attempt

to after
the bear baiting scene.

What?

Surrender or die?

Why start being a hero now?

General SantaAnna!

General SantaAnna!

I surrender.

Oh, General!

That was perfect!
Now once again from the top.

We're angry, we're drunk,
we're slaveholders.

And... action!

No!

Not action!

What the hell
are you doing to our Alamo?

: You've got William
B. Travis in a dress!

Hank, it's a little late
to step in with your notes.

The play starts in a half hour.

You could have asked
for a script at any time.

Why would I need
to read a script

of the Alamo?

I know what happened
and I know what didn't happen,

and I know William B. Travis
didn't put on a dress

and try to abandon his men.

And how do you know that, Hank?

How do you know

that when the pressures became
too great,

William B. Travis didn't try
to find comfort and safety

in a frilly calico dress?

That's it.
I'm gonna kick your ass.

Then I'm gonna re-enact
kicking your ass.

What were you expecting anyway,
the old John Wayne rehashing?

Yes!

What makes you think
that vision of the Alamo

is any more valid than mine?

Historians can't even agree how
many people were at the Alamo.

Maybe Davy Crockett wasn't
on the pipe,

but maybe he was.

He was a failed politician
and a deeply troubled man.

If Bruce is ever going

to get his work
taken seriously

by the people that matter,

he needs to show them
he's got a new perspective.

I think Oliver Stone and his
Oscars would agree with her.

You know, people like you
and the guys at the feed store

are always trying
to keep me down.

Well, it's too late, baby.

Son, turn in your outfit.
We're going home.

Dad, I know this Alamo stuff
is important to you,

but I don't want to get an "F"
and go to summer school.

I have to do this.

Damn revisionists!

Why can't they ever make
history better...

where we all live in Antarctica
and worship the Golden Penguin?

That would be great.

I surrender!
I surrender!

I surrender!

I surrender, I surrender,
I surrender!

Well, I can't force
the schools to teach the Alamo,

but maybe I can still stop
this travesty.

Are you talking
sabotage, Hank?

'Cause if you say sabotage,
I'll say "how high?"

Let's do it.

All right, it's ten minutes
to curtain.

That doesn't give us much time,
but we built this set,

so we should know how
to wreck it.

I should've paid
more attention.

Well, my sledge hammer'll
figure it out for me.

This'll shut Tuttle up.

They're all trapped inside there
like the Alamo volunteers

and we're out here ready
to take care of business

like General Santa Anna!

It's not like we're gonna kill
people! Just ideas!

We can't shut this thing down

just because we don't like
what they're saying.

I feel the fun slowing down.

Hank, what are you doing
with those sledgehammers?

Oh, I get it.

Well, you can't censor me!

I'm not going
to stop your show, Bruce.

I'm just going
to "set the stage."

I know there are a lot
of details in history

that are up for grabs;

like what Jim Bowie was thinking
about right before he died,

or whether Davy Crockett
surrendered.

But these are
the undisputed facts:

In March of 1836,
nearly 200 men volunteered

so that Texas could become
a republic.

Even though they were
under-trained,

outnumbered and completely
surrounded,

they fought on and died
for what they believed in.

And I've always found that
inspiring.

Is that a messenger
bringing news

from General Houston?

Sir, Santa Anna's men
outnumber us by the thousands.

If this siege continues,
I may have to surrender sober.

Hey, Dad,

you're gonna have
to sign this.

I failed Texas history.

What? After going through
with that jackass play?

Yeah, but I wrote in my book.

It's an automatic "F."

Oh, Bobby.

"The Alamo. In March of
1836, nearly 200 men..."

I wanted to make sure

kids after me
knew about the Alamo.

You know, since you're going
to summer school anyway,

why don't you skip class
tomorrow?

I'll take you to Six Flags.

It's called Six Flags
Over Texas

because Texas was governed by six
different sovereign nations.

There's Texas, America...
Mexico, France...

I don't know how
France got in there.

I think this will be the last
year we do Flat Stanley.

Ripped By mstoll

Hank, Bobby's making me
uncomfortable again.