King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 8, Episode 15 - Après Hank, le Deluge - full transcript

Ripped By mstoll

Astagnant low pressure trough

will produce a fourth
straight day of rain.

Hmm...

Any of you guys
have that thing

when you wake up
in the morning

and see the rain and cry?

Cheer up, Bill.
You'll be dead soon.

Looks like the end
of days is upon us.

See?

Hold on.



I think we're going from flood
watch to flood warning.

Water levels at the upper Brazos
River are rising dangerously,

causing flood warnings to be
issued for all low-lying areas,

including Heimlich
and Travis Counties.

Okay.

Evacuation Plan A, everyone.

I want an orderly,
efficient egress

to the shelter
at Tom Landry Middle School.

Out of my way, Boomhauer!

Find land.
Plant this.

I will meet you
at the rendezvous.

Did Uncle Hank order a duck?

Because there's one
in the mailbox.

The flood's coming!



Why are you all
just standing around!

We've got to get to the shelter!

We'll be safe there.

Bobby, I need you
to calm down.

You know I'm
Red Cross-certified

to be the shelter leader

and I promise you
everything is going to be okay.

Now, go pack

one suitcase and
no stuffed animals.

Okay. One stuffed animal.
Not the bunny.

They say one of the big problems
in a shelter

is people often get
shelter shock,

where they become
dependent and childlike.

We don't have a lot of room
for error with Bobby.

Don't worry, Hank.

Bobby will not
go baby on my watch.

I'll put pepper
on his thumbs just in case.

Okay. Now I've got
to do a final sweep

of the neighborhood
and then get the pets

to a kennel on higher ground.

I'm counting on you
and Luanne to wrap

everything up
and get to the shelter.

It's like God took our picture

before he kills us.

Go! Go! Go!

Come on, Bill! Time to go!

What in the hell?

Dang it, as shelter leader,

one of my duties is
to keep you from drowning.

Maybe I'll float.

Bill, get up and let Peggy
take you to the shelter.

That's an order.

If you say so.

Now Peggy's
a little stressed out

so don't stare at her
while she drives.

Remember, Lady Bird.

The other dogs will be looking

to you for leadership.

Be strong.

Dang it,
I need to find higher ground.

Look, Minh!

Chaos already ruling.

This like when city of
Luang Prabang fall,

and we snagged sweet
diplomatic license plates.

Oh! This our chance
to get prime real estate.

But where?

The heights! Run!

Connie! Blankets!

I always thought
I'd die in this gym.

Bobby. Please stop
being so dramatic.

Everything will be just fine.

Oh, my God. I have three socks
and no underwear.

Hello?

Hello? Anybody here?

Oh, my God.
The red phone.

Dang it, Everett.

Were you off
combing your mustache?

I need a status report.

Uh, Everett's not here.

This is Hank Hill, Assistant
Manager, Strickland Propane.

Everett's gone?
All right, listen.

This is T. Beck Minzimyre

with the Upper Brazos
River Authority.

The storm's knocked out
all of our remote sensors,

so I'm going
to need your help.

Sir, I have mentally
rehearsed many emergency

talk-through scenarios.
Go ahead.

Okay. Check the monitors.

Do you see any damage
to the face of the dam?

Oh, God... I am seeing some
hairline cracks... yes.

That's okay.
They're always there.

But if they start
getting too big,

you'll have to open
the floodgate.

I could open it now,
just to be safe.

No! I mean no.

The rain could still let up.

Open that floodgate now,

and a dozen homes
and businesses are gone.

Oh, okay, I won't
open the floodgate.

Now don't get bullheaded
about it.

Keep the gate closed too long
and the dam could break.

All of South Arlen
would be destroyed.

Okay so I'll open
the floodgate, but only if...

Look, I've got a bass boat
stuck in a turbine

at the LBJ dam.

You're just going to have to use
your best judgment on this.

Fresh cinnamon rolls,

courtesy of the
Emergency Operation Center.

We thought you might
be getting hungry.

I could eat.

Nice. You'll make sure
these get inside, right?

Dad? Are we going
to be okay?

Okay? Joseph,
how does being

the best-looking kid
on earth sound to you?

Because that's what
you're going to be

when I'm done building an ark
for you, your mother and me.

Hey! There's food!

The Army guy's
got food for us!

Mmm! That smells
delicious!

Who's in charge here?

I don't know.
I guess the Army guy.

Actually, it's supposed
to be Hank, but he's not...

Look, we've got a situation
at the East Shelter.

So you're going to have to
hold the fort for a while.

Here's your shelter kit.

Here's your satellite phone.

If you need to talk
to the emergency op center,

just hit speed dial,
pound sign, one.

Speed dial, pound sign, one.

Hey! It worked!

So until Uncle Hank gets here,

Mr. Dauterive is going
to be our leader?

God help us.

Mom! Can I go play hide-
and-seek with Joseph?

Hide-and-seek?

Oh, my God, it's happening.

Bobby! Grow up!

Now here's the
school's master key.

Go to the teacher's lounge,
have some coffee,

and bitch about your friends.

Okay.

Continued heavy rain

with little chance of clearing
through the evening.

Good Lord,
are the cracks getting bigger?

Open the floodgate and a dozen
homes and businesses are gone.

Or the dam breaks and all of
South Arlen will be destroyed.

Oh, God. What do I do?

I don't know!
I don't know!

Oh, God.

Cherry?

I love cherry.

Good call, Bill.

Bill! Hank still
isn't here.

Where is he?

I think Bobby's
got shelter shock.

He's reverting.

Where is Hank?

Now, now, Peggy, I'm sure
Hank is fine.

You are?

Yes, I am.

Oh, so everything's
going to be okay?

That's right.

Now why don't you lay
down in bed

and I'll get you a nice,
hot bowl of chicken soup.

How does that sound?

Well, that does sound nice.

I'll need a spoon.

It's also a fork

for those nice bits of chicken.

Shelter leader Dauterive here.

Mm-hmm.

I see.

People,

I've just been informed
that a wall of water

from Tut Rampy Dam has destroyed
several homes

on River Oaks Drive,

and may have reached
the new outlet mall.

We live on River Oaks!

My father-in-law mall-walks
at that mall.

Hank, you're alive!

Did everyone who lives
below the dam get here okay?

Don't worry, Hank.

They're all safe.

I saw to that.

Oh, thank God.
You saw to that?

Yup. I'm the shelter leader.

But I'm supposed...

I got the phone.

So they made you the leader?

Is everyone taking turns, or...

Yeah, well, we'll get this
all straightened out.

I'm just glad I made it out
of there, it was horrible.

But at least I was able
to save South Arlen.

How'd you do that?

Well, I opened the floodgate

to relieve the pressure
on the dam.

Wait, you opened
the floodgate?

He's the Arlen Flooder.

You heartless bastard!

All right, people, easy!

I'm sure Hank has a good
explanation

for destroying your homes
and outlet mall.

Well, I was authorized by
T. Beck Minzemeyer to...

You made that name up.

No. The phone was ringing.

The red phone.

Oh, and who was on the other
end, Commissioner Gordon?

No, listen, I was
watching the cracks.

They went from hairline cracks,

to very thick hairline cracks.

Hank, I went to bat for you.

An excuse like that
makes us both look bad.

Hey, let's go
to the girls' locker room

and stand where
naked girls have stood.

Okay.

Wait.

I'm not so sure about my
yearbook photo.

I think in ten or 15 years

I might regret
wearing that headband.

Or maybe I won't. Come on.

I already told you:
The dam had cracks.

Every dam has cracks, stupid.

You tell him, Everett.

Everett's been working at
that dam for 20 years

and we never lost a single home

on his watch.

Everett?

Wait a minute, you're the guy
who abandoned his post.

Hey, don't make this
about Everett.

Now, come on, people.

I've known Hank Hill almost all
my life, and if he was afraid...

I was not afraid.

I had a difficult
decision to make,

but I weighed the choices
and I acted!

In other words...

Hey, you take that noise back!

You don't know anything
about this

because you left your post.

Yeah, well, maybe if I'd stayed
at my post,

we'd still have an outlet mall.

Look, in my training
to be the shelter leader...

Bill's the shelter leader!

Mm-hmm.

Ready? I'm about to make love
to the camera.

Man, I never noticed
how much you blink.

Ah... most desirable
address in all of gym is ours.

Yes, people admire us.

But how do we make them fear us?

The man who controls the phone
controls the shelter.

Control the man who
controls the phone, Kahn.

Understood.

I see... mm-hmm...

beef stroganoff.

I'll inform my people.

Isn't that like the president
reading a school lunch menu?

Surely a man in your position
has more global concerns.

Well, I could
use someone to...

I'll get bullhorn!

Bill... In charge?

I mean... Bill?

Hank, do you have
any loose floorboards

I could scavenge
for my Ark's gangplank?

Joseph's been looking
a little mutinous lately.

Dale, put that stuff back.

You're not the boss of me.

Bill's the boss of me,
and he says my plan

is bold and innovative.

Dang it, someone's got to snap
this place into shape.

These are for emergencies.

The electricity could go off
at any moment.

Hey, why don't you pick on
someone your own size?

Okay.

We just had lunch.

We're supposed to be rationing
our food

in case supplies
get interrupted.

Dang it, Bill, you can't be
monkeying around

with the emergency phone.

Suppose the EOC is trying
to get through

with important information?

I got to tell you, Hank,

those guys think everything's
an emergency.

Bill, give me the phone.

You can keep the hat
and the road flares,

but you can't be trusted
with our only lifeline

to the outside world.

Let go, Hank. Stop it.

You're creating a panic.

Kahn!

Kahn, get your men.

Kahn has men?

Take Hank to the cage.

There's a cage?

Come on.

You can't do this.

Let go of me!

Hey!

Parents, tell your children
they can sleep soundly tonight.

Shelter leader Dauterive
has locked up

the Arlen Flooder!

Come on, Hill,
got to stay in shape.

Give me three more good ones.

I swear.

I don't know how
all that toilet paper

got under my cot!

Got dang it, Bill,
what's gotten into you?

You are out of control.

Strong leaders
always make enemies

and that's why
they make strong cages.

Cage was my idea.

Ironic, huh?

Okay, lazy bones,
time for breakfast!

Where's Hank?

Uh, Hank went with Kahn

to work up a skit
about hygiene.

Hmm.
That sounds like Hank.

Your hillbilly pal

is drunk on power for once, instead
of corn squeezin's.

I should have taken
control the minute I walked in here.

Oh, so you have eye

on top job.

No! But I mean,
look at us.

Don't worry.
I support coup.

And then maybe you'll give me
five minutes alone

with sticky bun cart.

Look, we need
to get out of here, Kahn.

Give me a hand.

So, Nancy,
what do you think of my ark?

Pretty yar, huh?

Oh, it's real yar, shug.

Now climb on down
and get something to eat.

Okay, attention, people.

It seems that we're all out
of cinnamon sticky buns...

But the children love them.

You said we'd never run out
of cinnamon sticky buns.

Well, uh, we had plenty, but...
Hank ate 'em!

That's right.

But don't worry.

I have procured enough
Carnation Instant Breakfast

for everyone.

Go, you mighty behemoth!

What are you doing?!

You can't just stick pictures
of yourselves in the yearbook!

Take it up
with the class president.

Do you know how much trouble
you could get into

for submitting fraudulent clubs
and activities pages?

Uh, no.

But these yearbooks
won't come out

until we already
graduate, right?

I call prom queen!

That's right,

hayseeds.

Keep watching your food.

You don't want
to eat your fingers.

Shut up, Kahn.

Let's get out of here.

Thanks for the tip, Kahn.

What?!

You show terrible
judgment in trusting me.

How can I follow you?

Can I have my
bullhorn back now?

Sure. The batteries are dead,
but you can wave it around.

Hank, Hank, Hank,
what am I going to do with you?

I may just have
to break out the dodge balls

and let the crowd have at you.

Will you listen
to yourself, Bill?

You sound like some kind
of crazed gym teacher.

Is that the kind
of leader you want to be?

I didn't seek the hard hat.

The hard hat
was thrust upon me!

Fair enough, but dang it,

this rain is gonna
stop sometime,

and when it does...

Aw, Bill, did it already stop?

It's still muggy out.

Bill, you got lucky.

The flood ended
before we used up

all our food and toilet paper,

but now it's time
to do your job.

The goal of a shelter leader

is to get these people

out of the shelter
and back to their real lives.

But my real life sucks.

Bill, you've done a
good job of keeping people happy...

mostly by turning
them against me...

but this is your chance
to go out on top.

You could be
like Ted Williams.

Heck, people are
still fighting

over his frozen head.

Everyone, I have
an announcement.

But first, I'd like to say
that it's been an honor

leading all of you.

We love you!

When I first...

The flood is over!

Wow, the Armageddon
is beautiful.

It smells so fresh.

Is it safe?

What about upriver?

You can all go home.

Oh, Mr. Trunkers,
there you are.

Let's go!

His name is Peanuts.

They don't need me anymore.

Well, that means
you did your job, Bill.

Go on, C.J.,
ask the nice man.

Could you come
talk to my scout troop?

The topic is "What it takes
to be a good leader."

Oh, and is this yours?

Oh, yeah. Thanks.

Flooder!

It's going to be
a beautiful sunset.

Yep, it is.

You should've seen
the rainbow yesterday.

Ripped By mstoll

I'm about to make love
to the camera.