King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 8, Episode 14 - Dale Be Not Proud - full transcript

Ripped By mstoll

You know these funny
cars go so fast

that when the car
hits the finish line

the driver is actually younger
than when he started.

Man, talkin' 'bout

dang ol' greased lightning, man,

just like them ol' odd rod
stickers, man,

still got one of them
on my lunch box, man.

Oh, my God, that's Austin Coil!

Chief mechanic of the John Force
racing team.

Just look at the man.



He moves beautifully.

John Force is the greatest
funny car racer ever!

He's done more
in a quarter mile

than I've done
in my whole life.

Do we follow him?

No.

Yes.

Yo, yo, check it out
dang ol' two o'clock...

Wow, John Force.

Howdy, fellas.

Y'all come out to see
some racing?

Y-Yes.

John Force is talking to us.

So, what kind of time are
you shooting for today...



John?

I can't race today.

I've been feeling a bit sick

and no one should go out
and drive 300 miles an hour

unless they can keep
their breakfast down.

Well, that just blows.

Dale!

I'm sorry
you had to hear that.

Are you okay?

I think I need to sit down.

You know, Force, as long
as you're sitting

you might try sitting behind
the wheel and doing your job.

Dale!

Just a suggestion.

Hey, Mom, I didn't know
you were subbing today.

I am not.

But word on the street
is that Miriam Kaney's

been throwing up in the bathroom
the last few mornings,

so I better put in a little
face time with Principal Moss

if I want to land
that sweet, sweet maternity gig.

This is Mike Soto with
the morning announcements.

Students going on the
Science Club field trip

must have two forms
of permission slip

or they won't be
allowed on the bus...

Thanks for the
big cup of boring.

Tune in tomorrow
when Bobby Hill

takes over the morning
announcements.

Good for you, Bobby.

If I can pull this off,
Class Clown is a lock.

Oh, that John Force
is one tough SOB, I tell you what.

Says here he's going
to be just fine,

right after they replace
70% of his blood.

I'll give him mine!

Us Dauterives bleed real easy.

Dang ol' count me in, man.

So it's settled,

we'll all go
give blood together.

Count me out.

The vast majority
of unauthorized face removals

happen to people in hospitals.

You disappoint me, Dale.

Get in line.

Yep.

Yep.

That silent treatment
won't work on me.

I don't need you to talk to.
I have my thoughts.

I can't be alone
with my thoughts!

You've heard them!

Where're you going?

We're going to the blood bank,

where we will talk
about old times

and wear new
"I gave blood" hats.

Wait up.

I feel sorry for Mike Soto.

Just because his name is Mike

doesn't mean he should be
talking on one.

You see, Emily, that is the kind
of zing I bring to the table.

Mike Soto didn't have
to be funny.

He had credibility.

You better be funny.

Uh... uh...

Good morning,
Tom Landry Middle School!

In birthday news,
Nurse Barrow turns 40 today.

Of course, that's still

two years younger
than the meat loaf

in the cafeteria!

Would the owner of a red Schwinn
please report to the bike rack.

You left your reflector on.

And that's the bell
for first period.

Either that or the school
doorbell's stuck!

As if schools have doorbells.

Sir, the snacks are for
after you've given blood.

We haven't even checked
for your blood type yet.

Oh, that won't be necessary.
I'm type V.

I'll talk! I'll talk!

Mr. Gribble, you've
just had a seizure,

brought on by
a vasovagal reaction.

You're going to be fine.

You're going to be
better than fine, Dale.

You're going to be a hero.

Why?

Because John Force
needs a new kidney.

All of our blood was screened,
tested and catalogued

into the computer...

Oh, God,
not the master computer!

Uh, it looked like a Dell.

Anyway, the printout
said your kidney

was a perfect match
for John Force.

But I...
I need my kidney.

It keeps
my other kidney company.

Mr. Gribble,

the odds of finding another
match are one in 80,000.

You better get to it,
then, eh, Doc?

There's the phone book.

Dang it, Dale. You're not even going
to think about it?

We're talking
about John Force!

Not for long.

He can have mine,
even if it doesn't match!

Dale, I know
this is a huge thing

to ask of anyone,
but you'd be saving the life

of a true American hero.

Think of it, Dale.

If you did this,

you and John Force would be

friends for life.

Maybe I have been looking
at this thing all wrong.

Gentlemen, let's
go see John Force.

I can't thank you enough
for doing this, Dale.

My kids thank you, too.

They're gorgeous.

Now let's talk turkey.

If you want my kidney,

I've got to get
something in return.

Dale!
No, it's okay.

What can I do for you?

First off, I reserve the right

to call you 24 hours a day

to prove to people I know you.

I do not play favorites
with my organs.

If you take my kidney
on vacation,

my other organs go, too.

And finally, I want you to put
the Dale's Dead Bug

on top of your race car.

That thing's going
to slow me down a bit.

Not as slow as if you're dead.

Deal?

Deal.

Okay, let's get this done.

Where do I go?

Do I have to sit on some
kind of special toilet?

Uh, Dale, you know this
is major surgery, right?

You're gonna have to be

in the hospital
for three days.

I can't afford to be out of
commission for three days.

As one of Arlen's
leading skeptics,

I've got my fingers
in a lot of pies.

But, Dale, you made a deal.

What about all that great stuff
you got from John?

Damn, the stuff!

Stuff is my weakness.

All right, Hank, I'm still
going through with this

if you promise me one thing.

Anything, Dale. What is it?

You have to make sure
nothing happens to me.

That no one steals my brain,

or, if they do,
they replace it

with one of equal
or greater value.

I promise.

There's more!

You also have to take care

of all my affairs,
my business dealings.

While I am indisposed,
you must be Dale Gribble.

Whatever it takes.

So be it!

I'll give John Force my kidney.

The left one, I think.

Let me just redirect
my waste to the right one.

The process has begun.

Okay, Hank, once you sign
this power of attorney

you are legally me
24/7 for three whole days.

Now, the show turtles
get fed every day,

except for the hatchlings,
who eat every hour.

They like a mix
of one-third dandelion leaves,

one-third skinned
chopped mice

and a mango,

but only if it's fresh.

Do not be surprised
if they defecate

in their drinking water.

It's a sign of high spirits.

Where do I get mice?

I left a plate of
bacon in your attic.

You should have

plenty by nightfall.

I can't believe I've got

two more days
of not being funny

ahead of me.

And then the rest of my life.

Funny's all I got!

Look at me!

Bobby, the reason
people weren't laughing

is not because
you're not funny.

It's because they didn't know

they were supposed to laugh.

You are as funny as...

as Wacky and Steve
on Power 100

or even that
Morning Dog Pound.

The only thing that separates

you from them is...

a cowbell.

Really?
Yes.

Your audience doesn't
want to work so hard.

The cowbell enables
them to laugh

without having to think.

The cowbell tells them,
"Yes, the joke is over,

and, yes, it was funny."

Hey, Luanne,
guess what we're having

for dinner tonight.

Flapjacks.

I said... Flapjacks!

Now I get it.

So, all I have to do is ring
that bell after every joke.

You don't ring it.

Your sidekick rings it,
and if they're good,

they repeat what you say,
which makes it even funnier.

Mom, you have to be my sidekick.

Sidekick.

Sidekick!

I couldn't help noticing, Sug.

You're not eating any solids

and you're only drinking
clear fluids.

Oh, that's because
I'm donating one of my kidneys

to John Force tomorrow.

What?!

Oh, did I not mention that?

No!

I won't be home
for three days.

Love you.

Well, gotta get shaved.

Four knocks and a honk?

Gun club.

Three knocks?

Just hand the guy
the Folger's can of money.

This is my business line.

Answer it only
between 9:08 and 9:23.

Gribble?

Uh... I'm
Gribble's representative,

but I'm kind of busy now.

It's here.

What's here?

Do you have a pen?

Yes.

Throw it away.

No records, no trail, comprende?

Uh... Si.

Look, I don't know much
about this... uh, process.

Gribble's got a standing order

for alien urine.

Eight drums, $319.

You won't find a better price.

That seems like a lot of money.

Are you sure
this can't wait 30 hours?

In 30 hours it'll
be pure zefferum!

Good morning, Tom Landry!

Morning!

Let's start with
a look at traffic.

We've got
an overturned backpack

in front of the biology lab.

Whoo!

Backpack.

In sports news...

I still can't play 'em!

No good at sports.

Doctor, how is he?

You're the new Gribble, right?

I need to talk to you.

Octavio?

It's Tuesday. I need
you to break my fender.

What?

Are you asking me

to help you commit
some kind of fraud?

Are you backing out
on me, New Gribble?

We had a deal.

And now we drink.

It's 10:00 a.m.

Now we drink.

Excuse me, Nurse.

Is Dale Gribble
out of surgery yet?

One moment.

He's here.

No, he doesn't seem to know.

I'm sure you're aware, Mr. Hill,

that there are limits
to medical science.

Is this your way
of telling me Dale's dead?

Oh, no, the removal of Dale's
kidney went very smoothly,

but the funny thing is...
after all that,

John Force didn't need it.

He just had a little blockage

in his renal artery.

We were able
to pop it out like that.

I promised Dale
that nothing would go wrong.

Hank, have you ever been
to Mobile, Alabama?

No. What does that
have to do with anything?

There's a special
young man there

who sure could use a kidney.

Little Timmy Croston.

Ten years old, adorable,
partly because he's so small.

I spoke with Timmy's parents

just ten minutes ago.

They are ready to
jet-copter him out here

as soon as you give the word.

Oh, I-I don't know.

This is a big decision.

Can't we wait
till Dale comes to?

We don't have
that kind of time,

and you have Mr. Gribble's
power of attorney.

Okay, okay, let me

think about this for a second.

What's there to think about?

What kind of person
wouldn't give

a ten-year-old
boy a kidney?

Well...

Dale.
Mr. Hill,

we need your decision.

Nancy, what's Redcorn
doing in our shower?

Hey, Hank.

How's John Force
enjoying my kidney?

Uh... well,
a funny thing happened.

John didn't actually need it.

Then where is it?

I promised your kidney
to a ten-year-old boy.

What?

You can't do that.

I can't believe this.

You were supposed
to protect me.

Oh, God!

They know I know!

I'm in the network!

Why-Why isn't my head
wrapped in tinfoil?

Mr. Gribble, we're going
to need you to calm down.

Look at me.

It's happening!

The harvest has begun!

How could you let this
happen to me, Hank?

I trusted you!

I trus...

Sorry, Dale, I...

Mr. Hill, you have nothing
to feel guilty about.

That was just some typical
post-op dementia

brought on by the anesthesia.

It was not
the real Dale talking.

No, that was him.

Ouch!

Hank, my leg is not
your conscience.

Quit kicking it.

Yeah, I have nothing
to be ashamed about.

I mean, it's
a ten-year-old boy.

I did the right thing.

Right? Right.

But how can it be
the right thing

to stab a friend in the back?

And stab in the back.

Oh, sorry, you did
the right thing.

Ah!

Octavio?

Yo, ese, where's
Gribble's kidney?

I lined up a buyer in Caracas.

He outbid this dude
in Ireland by 40 euros.

Dale's kidney isn't in there.

It's at the hospital.

Oh.

This is it, Mom,

our last show.

Word is if it goes well,

we're getting a spot

in the school time capsule.

I am ready.

Peggy, thank God
you were standing here.

Sarah Cook just got
a DWI on her way in.

How would you like
to sub Spanish?

Now it's going to require
a two-week commitment.

Oh, my God.

I could give a test
and grade it?

Great.

Well, move it.

There's a fish tank
in that classroom

I've got a bad feeling about.

Bobby, I know you can
do this on your own.

Oh, sure...

But you won't have to.

Principal Moss, I am sorry,

but I have a previous
commitment.

Okay, Schmidt,

you're going to the show.

Good Morning,
Tom Laundry Middle School!

I hope you're all clean.

Tom Laundry!

Dale?

Look, I know
that you and Octavio

are trying
to sell your kidney,

and I can't let it happen.

Not when there's a ten-year-old
boy who needs it.

It's okay, Hank.
We called that off.

I put you in charge
for a reason.

I knew you'd do
the right thing

when I couldn't be trusted to.

Thanks, friend.

Dr. Tabor, I think Dale's kidney
could be in danger.

Mr. Hill, despite
our little oversight

with John Force, I assure you

we are on top of...
Good God!

It's mine.

Let's get you home.

His kidney's gone!

Losing strength...

must maintain focus.

Hey-yah!

Excuse me, Doc... small
change in your skedge.

You're to reimplant
this kidney in me

for safe-keeping,
and then re-extract it

when I locate
a suitable buyer.

Dale, stop!

Back off.

Come any closer
and this baby's good

for nothing but
an Englishman's breakfast.

Now Dale, hold on.

Let's just talk about this.

No.

Now, I'm going to need
an unmarked jet

and two parachutes,
one kidney-sized. Also...

There's no time for this.

In another couple of hours,

this kidney's going
to be of no use to anyone.

Then I've got no
time for chitchat.

Oh, a visitor.

Uh... no.

You the kidney kid they're
making all the noise about?

Yeah.
What do you want?

$43,000.

I don't have that.

Well, if you want my kidney,
it's not a one-way street.

I'll start with this.
What else you got?

Hmm...

These any good?

I don't know.

I want all of them.

And the fire truck

and the catcher's mitt
and that Jell-O.

Okay.

Deal.

At least once a week,

give him a can
of Mountain Dew.

He likes that.

Dale, here's your
power of attorney back.

You were right:
It isn't easy being you.

I know.

Did you get me
the alien urine?

Uh, yup.

It cost $319.

That's my rate.

And you assisted Octavio.

Bashed his fender with rebar.

That's my MO.

Hank, it sounds like
you did everything right

except giving away my kidney.

And since I traded it
for a bunch of kiddie toys,

I guess we both let me down.

So, while you were me,
did you sleep with Nancy?

No!

Too late!

Ripped By mstoll

And now, we drink.