King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 8, Episode 11 - My Hair Lady - full transcript

Ripped By mstoll

The so-called "Father of Our
Country," George Washington,

felt shaking hands was
beneath the president,

so he would, uh, bow.

Now let's move on
to the War of 1812.

Dolly Madison served
the first bowl of ice cream

in the White House.

True story.

What are you doing?

You really shouldn't let
your hair get so knotted,

unless you want it to fall out.



If you wanted it to fall out,
I'm sorry for fixing it.

No, you can fix it.

John Adams may not
have had Morticia and Thing,

but his economic policy
was just as scary.

Wow, you're a really
good hairdresser.

Thank you.

I used to want to be one.

PROFESSOR
Uh, Ms. Platter,

you in my class to learn
history, or, uh, do hair?

Hair!!

The mashed potatoes
aren't as buttery as usual, Mom.

Did we go poor?

I learned something really
important at college today!

I don't want to be there!



What?!
Yeah.

I quit!

I'm gonna do hair.

Well, you can't do that.

There are bigger things
in life than hair.

You have to stay in college
and develop your mind.

Well, I don't know, Peggy.

She's been at that
college for 2h years,

and it's a
two-year college.

Seems like they had a whack
at her and nothing took.

It's true. Nothing did!

You know, cutting hair
might be good for her.

My barber Jack always says,

"Hair grows even
during a recession."

Well, that may be true
for licensed barbers.

But may I remind you both

that Luanne Platter,
hairstylist,

failed her cosmetology test.

Luanne Platter, history student,
would have known that.

Maybe Luanne Platter,
dinner guest,

could send the butter this way?

Buck Strickland
never went to college

and he runs four businesses

and never writes anything down.

Yeah, college wasn't for me.

They made that very clear.

Everyone's always
talking about college,

but have any of you
ever actually seen one?

Maybe Luanne should do what
I did and join the Army.

No, that won't work.

Luanne thinks
the Army is mean.

She just wants to cut hair,

but she flunked out
of beauty school

and never got licensed.

Well, if all she needs
is to pass her test,

I can help her with that.

I had to pass it
to become an Army barber.

All right, Bill!

Just don't scream
orders at her, though.

She cries.

Luanne, I can tell
you're nervous.

If there's one thing
I've learned

in my 20 years
of barbering, it's this...

It will grow back.

If you did a great job or
a bad job, it will grow back.

Gosh. You sure know a lot
about cutting hair.

Yeah, well, I've
been around a bit.

I remember
when I was your age,

life was so full
of possibilities.

Bruce Jenner's hair had fired
the imagination of a nation.

Oh...

glory days.

Mr. Dauterive,

after I pass
my State Board exam,

maybe I can live the dreams
that you're too old to live.

You can!

It will grow back.

Well, look at her,

getting ready for a career.

Next thing, she'll
be complaining

about how high her taxes are.

Luanne, honey,
getting certified

as a stylist
was the easy part.

Now you have to
prepare yourself

for the constant
rejection of the job hunt.

You're a stylist?

I'm Colette Davis.

I own Hottyz.

That's right,
the one with the Z.

You brought the messy ponytail
to Arlen!

And then two weeks later,
you trashed it as uncool!

Guilty.

You know, I think
you have the "Hottyz vibe."

And I know vibe.

The Arlen Advocate says
I invented it.

Chair rental is 1,400 bucks.

Oh, and FYI...

Vibe, vibe, no vibe,

mmm, crazy vibe.

Wow! You were wrong,
Aunt Peggy.

Finding a job was easy!

Oh, yeah? What about
the chair rental?

How are you going
to pay for it?

I can give you
some money, Luanne.

I was just going to use it on,
well, you know... the Internet.

Well, I couldn't take
your money, Mr. Dauterive.

Huh!

Oh, but maybe we
could share the chair!

No. I'm just an old
Army barber, Luanne.

I packed that life away
with my Dolphin shorts.

Mr. Dauterive, if you
don't take a chance,

you'll end up miserable
like Mr. Dauterive.

I mean... just
someone else.

Look out, Hottyz, here I come!

We're Hottyz! Whoo!

Oh, for God's sakes, Hank.

She'll be fine.

Scrunchies for everyone!

It's gonna be so cool
when we get to Hottyz,

and they say, "Do you
have an appointment?"

And we say,
"No, we work here,"

and they say,
"No you don't."

And we say, "Nuh-uh, we do!"

And then we make up and
give them a great haircut!

Last night,
I dreamed about hair!

But it was a good
dream this time,

not the one where it forms
a noose and hangs me.

I'm so excited!

Hi!

I cut hair, too!

Isn't it so much fun?!

'Sup. You the new cutter?

We both are.

We're cutters!

We're cutters.

Whatever.

Here are your uniforms.

I'm never gonna take this off.

I don't know if I could.

Shh. Your hair is
trying to tell me

all the nasty things it
wants me to do to it.

That's Rico.

He's flaming hot
and flaming gay.

He's vibe squared.

Hey, why is your client
wearing a Hottyz T-shirt?

Oh, Mr. Dauterive?

He's not my client.

I couldn't afford
the chair on my own

so we're sharing it.

He taught me everything I know.

Oh. Oh. No, no,
this is not going to work.

Good-bye.

But we already paid
a week's rent.

And I dropped out
of school for this.

Fine.

You can stay the week.
But you're last chair.

Audrey. Congrats.

Grab your ferret
and your Jane magazines.

You're chair four.

Rico, I have closing
arguments in an hour

and I need to look
jury friendly.

Sorry, sweetie,
I'm all booked up.

If you're real desperate,

you might try the new
cutters in the back.

I'm in a rush.
And I need to look...

Oh, my gosh!

You're are my first
ever client.

Now don't be nervous.

If I screw up,
it'll grow back.

Let's get you shampooed.

Hyah!

Mr. Dauterive got kicked
right in his...

Well, I didn't see
where her foot went,

but she said, "Bull's-eye!"

That's the real world for you.

Mr. Dauterive getting
kicked in the groin.

Don't you wish
you'd stayed in college?

Luanne, I'll give
you a little tip.

If you want to succeed,

identify the most
successful person at work

and do what they do.

We'll do it.

Hello, Luscious.

What kind of love
are we making

with your hair today?

Rico is so successful.

We have to do what he does.

Did one of you breeders
take my flat brush?

Rico, I heard you
with your client.

You were very sexy.

Yes, I know.

People want to leave here
feeling hot and sexy

and if you can't
give it to them,

you may as well be
barbering down at Jack's.

Please stand away
from the mirror.

I like to watch myself
while I cut.

He does have vibe.

Mm-hmm.

How would you like
your hair cut today?

Dear Lord, I don't want
to go back to college,

so please help me be sexy.

Amen.

Your hair is so sexy.

It reminds me of... sex.

Sorry, I'm late, everybody!

My Pilates class ran long.

I'm here for Rico.

Well, B-Do can help you now.

Psst. Are you
homosexual?

I'm just trying to
act more like Rico.

Huh. Me, too.

If I accidentally
start acting not sexy,

give me a sign.

Go like this.

Okay. And give me the sign
if I start acting not gay.

You sizzle with a capital "S,"
capital "izzle."

My boyfriend's taking me
to Lake Arlen

for dinner and dancing
and then we...

Tell me about your boyfriend.

Is he cute?

Does he have muscular thighs?

Thieving slut.

I bet he's the one who stole
my Yoplait from the fridge.

♪ I will love you ♪

♪ Those days ♪

♪ Of warm rain
come rushing back to me ♪

♪ Miles of windless ♪

♪ Summer nights ♪

♪ Summer nights ♪

♪ Secret moments shared... ♪

To Luanne and B-Do,

the hottest
haircutting team in town.

Whoo-hoo!
Whoo!

Okay, girls,

the next round's on me.

I can't cut hair
without a hangover.

I could go for a beer...

Or, uh, a Pink Squirrel.

Yeah, I like my drinks
the same as my men...

strong and sweet
and under an umbrella.

Hey, we've got some hotties
in the bar from Hottyz tonight.

This one's for them.

Come on, B-Do.

Back that thang up.

Show me the dance

that got you kicked off
Fire Island, honey.

Try and stop me.

Ooh! Ah!

Boy, if I weren't so dang gay...

Aw, B-Do, I know it
must be hard for you

in a town like this,

with no 24-hour gyms
or TGI Fridays.

Hey, I think that guy's
checking you out.

Oh.

Oh. My first
ten dollar tip.

Thank you.

Okay, now meow like a kitty.

Meow?

B-Do will not bite.

I am gay.

Luanne, B-Do,

I am moving you
to second chair.

Congrats.

Second chair?!

That's almost as good
as first chair.

Hello.

Which hair gel do you
suggest for my hair type?

Virgin or Dirty Girl?

Bobby. Truck.

Uncle Hank, this is so great.

I'm succeeding
in the real world,

one up-do at a time.

Well, that's good
to hear, I guess...

I figured I'd come
to support you.

You want a haircut?

Uh, no, I just came
to support you.

Good job.

Bill?

Hank?!

Bill?!

Hey, Hank.

I can't talk now.
Little busy.

See you at home.

What happened to you?
What?

You mean last night?

You don't own me.

Does your wife know you're here?

Well, no.
I'm on my lunch break.

: I can't keep
living like this, Hank!

You've got a wife
and a family at home

and I've got nothing.

I just don't understand
why everybody

is going to that nut house,
Hottyz, instead of here.

Are you sure your
pole is working?

Hottyz is the future, Hank.

Who wants a haircut from Jack,

when some pretty girl
with all her teeth can do it?

Yeah, but they're going
to Bill, too,

and he's acting like...

Hold your head still

unless you want me
to cut that ear off.

Pirate?

Gondola operator?

Waiter?

Pirate waiter!

He's supposed to be gay, Dale.

Really?

I don't see it.

I don't know why people
are always saying

how hard it is to be gay.

It's wonderful, really.

You're not gay.

They don't know that.

Women who are normally
repulsed by me

are letting me brush their hair,

massage their shoulders,
compliment their bottoms.

Hank, you know who else
went to college?

Hey, Peggy.

Let's go invite your hair

to that party the rest
of you is throwing.

Oh, Bill. Oh...

Check me out
in first chair at Hottyz!

I wanted to invite you guys
to a party tonight.

Rumor is, the chick
they kicked off American Idol

is going to be cage-dancing.

B-Do, Scott dumped me,

and I need him to see
what he's missing!

Oh, honey,

I swear on a stack of gladiators
I will take care of you.

Hey! First chair!

I don't want to get hair
on my blouse.

Oh...

Did you say something?

I saw your bosom move
like you said something.

Kutt mistress said
you got dumped by your guy, too.

I know.

I do astrology, and I can tell
we're kindred souls, B-Do.

We're too much for our men.

Oh, your aura's so warm.

It's a shame you're gay.

I'm not gay!

No! I'm not gay!

We can be together,
you and me...

our-our kindred souls!

You're not gay?
Uh-uh. Hundred percent

into ladies.

Who wants a hug?
L-I do!

Ew! You're disgusting!

You liar!

I shared a Coke with him!

I let him swim in my pool!

Yeah, but... oh.

It's all right.
A real gay man's here.

Well, I take it back!
I am gay!

Oh, you are?

Bi?

When you were gay,
you were intriguing,

with an artistic bent,

but now that you're straight,

you're just...
a sleazy barber.

Pack up and go back to that beer
commercial that you came from.

But we're first chair!

Luanne, honey,
you're fabulous.

I mean, you've got great abs
and vibe to spare.

I mean, if it was just you,

I would hire you back
in a second.

But since you and that
are a team,

I got to let both of you go.

But I belong here.

I already failed
out of college.

I cannot fail out
of the real world.

There are no other
worlds for me to go to.

We'll be all right, Luanne.

Mr. Dauterive...

Wow, this is really tough.

You're fired.

No, but we're a team.

Sorry, B-Do...

if that is your real name...

the shirt stays here.

Why can't I be gay?

I had it all...
women, money, fancy clothes!

Bill, I don't think
you were right for that salon.

Everyone said the same
thing, only meaner.

Right after I bought
$700 worth of shoes.

Well, didn't Luanne
stand up for you?

No. She threw my cottage cheese

from the mini-fridge
in the street.

What?! That is not right!

So, uh, are you ever
gonna put on a shirt?

So you used Bill up

and you cast him aside.

Do you have any idea
how hurtful that is

every time it happens to him?

I was just doing
what you told me

and following the most
successful person.

Now, that's Rico, and he said,

"Sexy talks; bald
and straight walks."

I never told you
to turn on your friends.

Maybe your Aunt Peggy
was right.

You need to go back to college

and take some courses
in being a decent person.

Kutt mistress, could
you stop spinning for a second?

Mr. Dauterive is
a great hair stylist.

Don't you see?

Mr. Dauterive can't help
that he's straight.

It's just the way he was born.

It's in his DNAs!

Now, hair does not know gay
from straight.

It just wants to be loved.

Shouldn't we all
be more like hair?

I know I wish I had
been more like hair

to my friend,
Mr. Dauterive.

Very touching.

You're both fired.

It's great to stop pretending
I'm someone else

so I can go back
to pretending I'm me again.

I'm just gonna really
miss cutting hair.

It was so great
to be able to moonlight

and have an outlet
for my creative jones.

Jack must be the luckiest man
in the world.

He's doing what he loves and doesn't
have to worry about anything but hair.

I'm gonna torch this place.

Well, maybe I can
help you all out.

Hey there, Hank.

Want another haircut?

You can pay me in food.

I'll shave you for a sandwich.

What if I gave you
something better?

My niece Luanne here
is a great hair cutter,

and you'd be lucky
to have her services.

Aren't you the first chair
from Hottyz?

I was. W-We were.

Uh, Mr. Dauterive and me.

All right!
I stole Hottyz first chair away!

And so the scales begin
to tip for Jack.

Hmm, maybe I'll start paying
back the muscular dystrophy jar.

You and Bill really turned
things around here, Luanne.

Why don't you save the money
you're making now

and move back in with us?

You mean it?

You don't think I need
to go back to college?

No, I think you're
right where you should be.

My God, you made me
look hot, huh?!

And if your dad asks,

just tell him it will grow back.

Ripped By mstoll