King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 8, Episode 10 - That's What She Said - full transcript

Ripped By mstoll

To Travis.

May you have as many sick days
in retirement as you had

in your 40 years working
at Strickland Propane.

Which is three.

Speech! Speech!

Yeah, come on ol' boy.
Go ahead.

Well, it's funny.

This was just supposed
to be a two-week gig

until I got my pilot's license.

But I guess,
like so many other dreams,



time has a way of slipping
through your fingers and...

Cake?

Mmm, this is delicious.

Travis didn't want
to take this home?

No, he's a diabetic.

The cake was just
for ceremony.

Hmm, diabetic, huh.

Well, Travis does not know
what he's missing.

Yep, the new guy starts Monday
and I'm kinda nervous for him.

It can't be easy coming in
as a rookie

to a championship team.

Now, that's true.

13 years later, Lady Bird
still has it out for Bobby.

What?!



Well, who wants coffee?

So the thing
about working here is,

we treat all our customers

like they're purchasing
a Vogner Imperiale,

even if they can only
afford the Citizen.

Oh, and even though
the display food is plastic

we still like you to wash
your hands before handling it.

Wow, this sure is a world away
from Taco Bueno.

You've got 40 years.

You'll get the swing of it.

Well, I'll let you hit
the books there, "rookie."

Whistling was Travis's thing.

Oh. Sorry.

That's okay, Rich.

You had no way of knowing that.

Thanks for the coupon
to the Olive Garden, Hank.

The Tour of Italy was delicious.

Hey, Rich, why don't you
pull up a chair?

That's okay.

You gota full table.

I'll just eat in my car.

Nonsense.
We'll make room.

Oh, yeah. Squeeze in.

We were just talking
about the Olive Garden, Rich.

Oh, I love that place.

They got a couple
of waitresses

I wouldn't kick out of bed
for eating lasagna,

if you get what I'm saying.

Uh, Rich, could you
give me a hand

unloading those meat
thermometers out back?

Sure.

So, where do you want me?

There are no meat
thermometers out here, Rich.

I just made that up
to save you the embarrassment.

I think you might've learned
some bad habits at Taco Bueno.

Oh, yeah?

That comment about the, uh...

the lasagna.

Well, here at Strickland,

we try not to say things
that are not funny

and also disgusting.

Oh, I crossed the line.

I'm sorry.

It was just off the cuff.

I thought Donna laughed.

Well, she was being polite.

That's why we keep her
at the front desk.

Uh, I didn't think
she was just being...

You know what?
Doesn't matter.

Rules are rules.

Attaboy, Rich.

You'll do just fine.

"Eating lasagna in bed."

Hey, Rich...

you get those meat
thermometers put away?

Uh, yeah, except for the one
I got right here.

You stole
a meat therm... Oh!

Hey, can you toss me
that back brace?

I got some heavy lifting
to do here.

Me, too.

Where's the urinal?

That was Moretti's Grill.

They're having problems
with the burners again.

I need an eight-inch L-pipe.

That's what she said.

Oh, did their hostess call, too?

Uh, yeah.

Huh... oh, here's one.

Well, I should be back by 3:00.

I hope the threading's
not stripped.

I mean, if I have to do it
manually,

I'll be down there for hours.

That's what she said...
Right?

Yes, Enrique.

That is exactly what she said.

Yeah, uh,

I don't know why I'm laughing.

Sounds like I'm gonna be

down there all night.

It was really weird.

I showed up at Moretti's
Grill to do some work

and the hostess didn't
even know I was coming.

Hostesses can be very flighty.

That's why they only let them
carry menus.

Yeah, but before I left
the office,

the new guy made it sound

like she was on top
of everything.

Heck, even as I was heading
out the door,

I just mentioned that
I hoped my cordless drill

had enough juice for the job,

and Rich said,
"That's what she said,"

and then everybody
high-fived and... oh...

Oh, no. It was
an "intimate" joke!

God, Joe Jack was laughing,

and Donna was laughing.

I've never seen them
laugh so hard.

Yes, people do love
the off-color jokes.

You would not believe
how many times the kids ask me

how to say poo-poo
in Spanish.

Ugh.

It's la tierra de la trasero.

The literal translation
is "earth of the butt."

I made it up but
the kids seem to like it.

And how!

Yep.

Yup.

Mmm-hmm.

It's official.

I've quit smoking.

I'm off the junk.

Well, good for you, Dale.

What brought this on?

Oh, Nancy's been naggin' me

ever since our bed
caught fire.

I went a little heavy
on the aftershave,

lit one up, and kaboom.

Check out my eyebrows.

It's mascara.

Well, congratulations.

I know how hard it is
to quit smoking.

Not with my nifty
little miracle cure.

Yes, gentlemen, it crushes
the craving

without any
of the undesirable side effects.

Chewing tobacco?

That's disgusting.

Will someone please tell me
what happened to good manners?

It's like this new guy at work.

He turns every little comment
into a vulgarity.

It's awful.

I'll tell you what, man...

it's like the dang old world has
become a sewer, man.

Like them shock jocks,

and them rappers, too, man.

Like got ol' Miss Manners'
panties in a bunch, man.

You're right.

I can't believe the filth

they're putting on TV
these days.

And they just beam it right
into my home.

I hit the Pay-Per-View button
and there it is,

right in front of me!

Well, that's life
in the 21st century for you.

We just have to learn
to accept it.

Accept it, Bill.

Well, crudeness might be
"cool" everywhere else,

but I won't accept it
in my home,

and I certainly won't accept it
in my home away from home.

From now on
at Strickland Propane,

"she" is going to say nothing.

That's what I said!

Hey, someone tickle me.

I want to make this stuff
come out my nose.

Hey, Donna, listen
to the new nickname

that Rich thought
up for Enrique.

You mean, Enri-GAY!

Man, you could be on Mad TV.

Yeah, but then
I couldn't hang out

here with you and Joe Jack.

Or should I say
"Low Crack?"

Pull up your pants

before I drop
a quarter in there

and make a phone call.

Hey, what's the matter,
Low Crack?

Can't you take a joke?

I can take it.

That's what she said!
That's what she said.

Oh, man!

Okay, someone want to tell me
what's so funny here?

Maybe you should
ask Enri-Gay!

You'd know better
than me, Low Crack!

No. No. That is not funny.

It's the kind of thing
a first-grader would say,

and then he'd get his mouth
washed out with soap.

Now, this is a place of work,

so I want this behavior
to stop right now.

It's crude, unprofessional,
and just plain not funny.

Is there a problem here, Hank?

Nope. We were just
having a little discussion

on office decorum.

Nothing I can't handle.

Well, all right, then.

Yall should
be well-advised

to do what this man tells you.

He is my proxy when
I am in absentia.

Thank you, sir.

I appreciate you
getting behind me.

That's what she said.

"Getting behind me."

Ooo-wee! That's funny!
Damn, you quick, boy!

That's what she said...
about Joe Jack!

(Strickland howling

Stop! Stop! No!
No! No! Don't stop!

That's what she said!

Sir, no!

You're funnier
than that comedian

that ruined
Monday Night Football.

Here's my specimen sample,
honey.

Good Lord, OI' Top!

What you doing in there?!

No, no. That was not me.

It's not funny.

And a waste of a perfectly good
nine-volt battery.

How do the Chinese
let themselves

get talked into
making these things?

Hoo! What did do for fun
before we had one of these?

Yeah. Quitting
smoking

is the best thing
I've ever done.

Check this out.

A couple of days ago,
that would have killed me.

Hey, Hank.

Don't you want a beer?

What I want is a professional
working environment,

where it's hard work
that earns your colleagues' respect,

not the ability to rhyme your name
with a body part.

You got that in
your cooler, Bill?

If I check, you're going
to make fun of me, right?

Was that Hank?

I blacked out
there for a second.

I don't get it.

What is so funny

about putting a prophylactic
on my Mag-lite?

Not the Mag-lite
I gave you for Christmas?!

Well, needless to say,

it went straight
into the garbage.

Dad, I've dealt with a lot
of bullies in my day,

and I've learned that
the most effective strategy

is to fight fire with fire.

Whoopee cushions?
Plastic vomit?

I thought I banned these things
from the house.

Dad, now is not the time.

Poo in a can!

Remember that creep
Pete Sheldon?

The wet willie guy?

Well, a little dab of
this on his chair, and...

let's just say his new nickname
is "Peter Pantload."

Hey, what are you doing?

I'm throwing this stuff out.

When you stoop to their level,
you're no better than they are.

At least leave me the fake barf.

I've got gym tomorrow!

All righty!

Ready to hit the links, Ol' Top?

Don't want to keep
the clients waiting.

You kidding, sir?

I've been looking forward
to it all week.

Oh, yeah.

About that, Hank...

What?! You're taking him?!

He can't handle
the Vista Village account.

Tell me the difference between
a Positive Placement Pump

and a Vertical Turbine Pump.

Um... I know the placement
of my pump.

And, when I see your mama...

That's it!

I'm kicking your ass!

Ooh! Now who's the potty mouth?

Now, get hold of yourself, Hank.

This ain't no fraternity party.

You can't go around
hitting people.

Come on, Rich.
Let's ske-doot.

Don't worry, boss.

I'll wow these guys.

I worked up this
great little bit

with the ball washer.

And I can't wait to see it!

Hey, you made a lane change
without signaling!

Thanks for seeing me,
Mrs. Borginnis.

It's Ms. Borginnis,
but, yes, I'm married.

And Borginnis is
my husband's name.

Uh...

So why don't you
tell me your problem?

Well, as you can
probably tell from my jacket

and my hat and my shirt,

I sell propane
and propane accessories.

Uh-huh.
Now, don't get me wrong...

I have the best job
in the world...

but this guy Rich has been
making a lot of, uh, jokes.

Jokes?
What kind of jokes?

Knock-knock? Ding-dong?

What are we talking about?

Uh... jokes that, uh...
you know, use vulgarity.

You know, jokes about
morning nature functions.

Plus, I can't say the word
"meat" without someone giggling.

And, yesterday,
someone took my

"Employee of the Month" picture,
and drew a beard on it.

But not where you think.

Pervasive pattern
of demeaning behavior,

hostile work environment
affecting job performance.

Mr. Hill, I believe we have
a strong case for a lawsuit

based on male-on-male
sexual harassment.

Male-on-male sexual harassment?
Ugh! No!

Look, sexual harassment
is just an umbrella term

that covers a wide variety
of offenses.

Do you validate,

or am I stuck
for the 75 cents?

Please,
just take this literature.

You know what?
I'll pay the 75 cents myself.

Oh! Propane emergency.

Ma'am, I'm gonna need
to commandeer your phone.

This is Hank Hill,
Strickland Propane.

Yes. I'd like
to report a gas leak.

Oh, okay. Just remain calm,
and tell me where it is.

It's... in your pants!

Hang up, 01' Top,
or he'll know it's us!

Ms. Borginnis,

I'll take that literature.

See? Sexual harassment

is an umbrella term.

It doesn't just cover
women, but also men...

and "transgender individuals."

Hank, you'll be a trailblazer.

Now, I know it is not fun
being the first,

but it may mean
you could be the last.

That's a great line
for the movie.

Jo Beth Williams
will knock it out of the park.

Ass tag!

Hey, you're it!

Hey, Enrique,

I didn't know you were married

to a monkey.

What happened to the
picture of my wife?

I don't know.
Did you check the men's room?

I'm married to a monkey.

I got to make this quick,
but I love you.

Someone's coming.

Oh, Hank, I was just...

Shh, we don't have much time.

I've been watching you.

You don't think
any of this Rich stuff

is funny, either, do you?

What do you mean?

I think he...

I hate it. I hate it!

I don't want to come to work.

I have nightmares.

I can't even eat
a hot dog anymore.

Well, I think I know
how we can stop it.

I talked with this lawyer
who thinks we can sue for...

uh, you know, uh,
male-on-male sexual harassment.

Sexual harassment?

It's an umbrella term.

You and me suing
for sexual harassment?

I'm sorry, Hank.

Hey, Enrique, look who just
came out of the closet.

Yep.

Yep.

Mm-hmm.

What you got there?

Oh, Nancy's at it again.

Now she's got some new rule

about spitting on the carpet,

so now I have to stuff
my chewing tobacco

into this paper cone
and inhale the aroma.

Not...

really...

working.

Boomhauer, you're a genius.

What should we call
this new invention?

Well, I guess that's a night.

Back to the potty factory
tomorrow.

Did Hank get a new job?

I'm choking!

Need something to drink.

Ass tag time-out.

Hey, I didn't get a time-out
when I cut my thumb open.

Come on, guys, have a heart.

Joe Jack's choking.
Time out.

Here you go, Joe Jack.

Have a soda.

Nice try.

I think I got a clogged nozzle.

Can you guys take a look?

This man needs to be serviced.

Would you like to service
this man, Enrique?

Uh, no.

Look, I got
the extended warranty.

Extended, huh?

To hell with this.

Good morning, sir.
Are you being helped?

You're the ones who need help.

That does it.

This is a place of business

and you've turned it
into a cesspool.

Lighten up, Mrs. Hill.

We're just having fun.

No, you're having fun.

But I'm not.

And I know for a fact
that Enrique hates it.

Joe Jack, you've been coughing
since I walked in here

because you're too scared
to get up and get a drink.

Ha-ha, choking to death
is real funny.

Look at us.

Wallowing in
our own filthy behavior.

So bent on being crass
we can't even trust each other.

Sure, it's done
in the name of comedy,

but is debasing ourselves
really that hilarious?

Don't you wish we could still
say words like "meat"

and "tool" and "unit"
without someone turning it

into something foul?

Those are our words.

I say let's take 'em back.

Even if we do agree
with you, honey,

Buck thinks it's funny,

and he's the one
signing our paychecks.

Hank, wow, I guess
I didn't realize

how bad you felt about this.

But there's something
else you don't realize.

You are open.

Ass tag!

How about it?

Let's hear it for the
number one Ass-assin!

That does it.

I don't care what Buck
or anyone else thinks,

I'm going to do what
your mom should have done

a long time ago.

Come on, Hank.
Let go.

Mr. Strickland
isn't going to like this.

Oh, going to brush
your teeth before you kiss me?

Well, still not interested.

No, Rich, you've got
a potty mouth

and I'm going
to wash it out with soap.

What? No!

Come on, guys.
Give me a hand.

Hank, let him go!

What has gotten into you?!

Buck, he attacked me!

Sir, it's true,

but I just couldn't take
this garbage anymore.

Either it doesn't belong
in the workplace, or I don't.

You heard him, Buck.
Fire him.

You all feel the same as Hank?

Even about the fart machine?

Well, hell, I never thought
it was funny, neither.

Terrible stuff.

Uh-uh. Vulgar
is what it was.

But Buck...

Watch it, Rich,

or I'll turn Hank loose
with a toilet scrubber.

Okay, team, gather round.

I'm going to tell you
about the new improvements

on the Vogner 2800 series.

The first thing is that it will
smoke your meat.

And it's got a nice big rack
for your buns.

Or wieners.

Or wieners. Why not?

Ripped By mstoll