King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 8, Episode 1 - Patch Boomhauer - full transcript

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Yo?

Daggum, dude, man,

talkin' big ol' bite
of apple, man,

talkin' life sentence...

daggum buyin' a cow.

Oh, man, you talkin' 'bout 'em
like like a dang ol'...

Dang.

Daggum, big wigjingo
bang it up, dog!

Like... Woo! Yeah, baby!

Wow, so your little brother
Patch is getting married.



Now that calls for a beer.

Yup!
Yup!

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, you boys were always
competing over something.

Who could sell
the most copies of Grit.

Who could bag
the most groceries.

Who could bag the most ladies.

It was always close, but
it was always Boomhauer.

Yeah, but Patch finally beat
Boomhauer at something...

His way to the altar.

Oh, don't worry, Boomhauer,

Patch might have
beat you to the altar,

but you'll beat him
to the grave.

As a bachelor,
your life expectancy



is seven years shorter
than us blissfully marrieds.

Even Bill gets a couple
of years' credit

for that charade
of a marriage of his.

That's true.

Dang ol' journey,
man, ain't no...

ain't no race.

Boomhauer!

Yo.

Yo!

Katherine Hester, man!

Oh, I can't believe
it's been 12 years.

I just got into town
a half hour ago.

It's like dang ol',
talkin' 'bout destiny, man.

Talkin' 'boutol' planets
aligned, you know,

just like a Big ol' Dipper, man.

Oh man, that dang ol' smile.

You remember getting
our braces caught

and hooked like that, man.

Talkin' 'bout
no pain, no gain.

You know, I've been thinking

about you a lot lately.

Oh, man...
Dang ol' true man?

Well, yeah.

I mean I am marrying
your brother.

You!

You're marrying...
Patch?!

Talkin' 'bout my Patch?!

I guess I'm going to be
Mrs. Boomhauer after all.

I was actually on my way
to the airport to pick him up.

When you see him,
could you act surprised?

That's perfect.

So, your brother's
marrying Katherine.

She made the best beer.

Yup.

Wow, it's like if the Russians

landed on the moon
after we did

and then married it.

Sorry, Boomhauer.

Boomhauer's okay.

He had his chance
to land Katherine

in the boat years ago.

Instead, he cut the line.

Hey, man, it's like,
dang ol' history man.

Yee-ha!

Oh, man, here they come now.

Go act, like, surprised, man!

Gentlemen,
intro-dang-ol'-ducing

daggum future
Mrs. Patch Boomhauer!

Unbelievable.

Katherine, is it not?

Dang ol' stand there,
black T-shirt,

looking all sharp man
with that hair

all scruffy on top
that way, man.

Come here.

Yeah, okay.
Man, okay.

Hey, got dang it, man.

Don't wake up
the dang ol' lion, man.

Man, hey, come on.

Hey, hey. Ow. Ow. Ow!

Daggum jaw, man.
Talkin' TMJ, man.

Shoot, man, yeah,
that's what, like,

got me outta the daggum
porta-john business,

dang ol' quick like, man,

'cause I'm telling you,
like, whew.

Talkin' Andy Dump, man.

Oh, Patch.

Mm, I'll tell you what,

the blood runs hot
in that Boomhauer family.

Yeah, that Patch
got it going on,

but he a dog, I can
smell it from here.

You know, I still remember

the day
Katherine left for London.

Boomhauer stayed in his hot tub
for two straight days.

I have never seen a man look
so unhappy, yet so relaxed.

Bobby, what are you doing?

I want to show Patch

I've got what it takes
to be a ring boy.

It's ring bearer,
and that's Lady bird's job.

Besides, you're old enough
to be an usher.

An usher? Wow!

Sir, come back when
you have a tie.

Yo! Shush it!

Talkin' 'bout since
I was a little boy,

big brother man, fed me
dirt and daggum bugs,

but, you know,
long story short, man,

talkin' 'bout... best man.

Yo.

Very touching,

but something tells me
this is not over.

So, uh, Boomhauer,
how you doing there?

Well, man, you know,

this dang ol' beer's
a little warm,

but, you know.

To be thinking of her
as your sister-in-law.

Hey, man, I ain't got no dang
ol' problem here, man,

you know, talkin' 'bout you got
little son of yours, man,

walking around carrying
that dang ol' little burger

on a pillow, man, you got...

"We-We're here

to congratulate Patch
and Katherine on..."

Daggum cannonball!

Watch it with that dang
ol' cannonball, man!

Hello,
Mr. Boomhauer.

Thanks for letting me
borrow your Walkman.

I broke it.

Talkin' 'bout meow.
Here, kitty-kitty.

Patch-elor party, man.

Daggum, find you
a place to sit, darlin'.

Um...

Just a little ol' kidder,
man, you know,

every dang ol' April Fool's,
growing up, man,

putting up a little
ol' frog in my bed.

You know, just ol' Patch, man.

Woo-dogs, that's
a sweet taste, man.

Lookin' forward to that meal.

You know, like...

You know you gotta talk
'bout, think 'bout new,

turning over a new leaf
with ol' Katherine, man.

You got, like, vows, man,
talkin' 'bout vows.

Yo man, talkin' 'bout,
eating at home, man,

'cept for drive-thru window
action now and then, man.

Talkin' 'bout fast food, baby!

Dang ol' grow up, man.

Yup.

Yup.

Fight!

Get off me, man!

Now calm down!

Both of you!

I can't understand
a word you're saying!

Shoot, man, I mean, man,

just talkin' wedding, man,
goes off.

Daggum jealousy, man.

Ugly, green-eyed monster, man.

You must settle this like men.

Angry, redneck men.

Blunderbusses at 20 paces!

Dang it, Boomhauer.

Your brother
is getting married

and you need to start
acting right!

Talkin' 'bout tell him, man!

He's the one wanna

get dang ol' hoochie-
coochie dance, man.

Hey, man, no, you too much
hoochie-coochie man,

talkin' you ain't no best man
after all, no way, man!

Yeah man, you know,
you can't fire me, man,

'cause I tell you what: I quit!

Daggum can't have no wedding
with no best man, man.

Hold the ring, give
the speech, man, you know,

throw the bachelor party, man.

Daggum, man, you know,
talking about, Hank?

Whoa.
Yeah, but...

Me? Your best man?

Well, I...

Patch...

I'd be honored.

Well, what was I going to do?

Let Patch have a wedding
without a best man?

Boomhauer had his chance
with Katherine.

Maybe this is just
the kick in the pants

Boomhauer needs to snap him out
of that Peter Pan lifestyle.

You know, maybe you're right.

He's not getting any younger,

and all the women
he dates are.

Something's got to give.

So, what are Patch
and Katherine

serving at their wedding?

I need to know what
color tux to get...

stain-wise.

Hey, uh, Boomhauer,
we're going to start

planning the bachelor party
at my place tonight.

You want to join us?

Remember how much fun you had
at our bachelor parties?

Hey, Bill, can you
grab me a beer?

Hey, Hank, could you
grab me a beer?

Dang ol' ball and chain, man.

Hey, man, Dale,
why don't you go

and get me a dang ol'
beer, man?

Ah! Wha-What is it,
a bomb?!

I can't lose it! It's after me!

Help!

So what do you say, Boomhauer?

You ready to step back in?

No, man.

Hello, Boomhauer.

I heard you dropped out
as Patch's best man.

I, dang, I don't want to
say nothing 'bout dang ol'...

Dial back the charm,
we've got some talking to do.

I really want us
to work things out

because I couldn't
stand the idea

of my kids not knowing
their Uncle Boomhauer.

Man, it's just dang ol'
complicated, you know, man.

It's like a dang ol'
Rubik's cube, man, like,

talkin' 'bout blue, red, man,
then you get to one side,

then it like messes up
the other side, man.

Well, I truly hope that you'll
at least come to the wedding.

Dang ol', I-I'll-I'll
be there, man.

Hey, Patch.

We're all geared up
for one heck of

a bachelor party
tomorrow night.

We got you three kinds of
sausage and two kinds of pizza.

You can eat yourself silly,
bachelor.

Shoot man, talkin' about
entertainment, man.

Talkin' shake things up, man,
get live, be wild,

you know, talkin' go pro.

Professional entertainers?
Wow.

Daggum right, man.
I'll have him call ya.

You know, dang ol' bring
plenty of singles, huh!

I wish Boomhauer could
see how happy Patch is.

So what do you suppose
the live entertainment is?

Karaoke.

Well, he did say
it would be wild.

Tomorrow night
from 7:00 to 10:00 PM,

the family room is reserved

for a bachelor party.

I've got a variance
from the city.

They're letting us
have 70 decibels.

Same as Bennigan's.

Well, we are having

a bachelorette party
for Katherine,

and Minh is bringing three
Patrick Swayze movies.

Bobby, now I can't
officially invite you

to the bachelor party,

but if a certain usher

sneaked in and had
a Snappy Tom

or maybe some unattended
Collins mixer,

I'd be too busy to notice.

Hill residence.

Yeah, this is Kraig T.
Of KT Entertainment.

Of some special talent
tomorrow night.

Is that correct?

Oh, yes, yes,
the party planner.

Now, the groom mentioned

that he would
like a happy ending.

You cool with that?

Of course, he's getting married!

Oh, man. Dang, dang
ol' beautiful, man.

Oh, I'm sure somehow
it's bad luck

for you to see me in my gown.

Will you try to stop
by Patch's bachelor party?

Knowing Patch,
it'll be pretty tame,

but I'm sure there'll be
good food and good music.

Katherine, man, you know...

I-I don't want to go against
blood or nothin' like that,

but, man, you
know... got...

got to keep a dang
ol' eye on Patch, man.

Boomhauer!

I never thought I'd have
to pull you in the garage

like I do with Bill and Dale.

Hey, man... The time for you
to stop this wedding

was 20 years ago,
before you broke up with Katherine.

You need to grow up.

Patch did.

Now-now-now, you don't
understand, man...

I think I understand plenty,

but you need to suck it up

and get with the program.

Ace high, in your face, sir.

Yeah, look at that... all those
Frito chips are all yours, ol' top.

: Uh, hey, Patch,
can you grab me a beer?

Hold it down, guys.
We're-we're pushing past 60.

Yo, man.

Talkin' 'bout... yo.

Aw...

Be right there!

Everyone hold on to your hats,

'cause the special talent
has just arrived.

Yee-haw!

Hello. You must be Mr. T.

How are you this evening, sir?

Leave the door unlocked
like we discussed?

Yes, sir.

Ah, karaoke.
Dale was right.

Edible underpants...

made from the same stuff
as fruit roll-up,

so don't sit
on anything dusty.

Game time!

101 Bachelorette Party Games.

For the first game,

we will need nail polish
and a summer squash...

Oh! Eh...

Why don't we go see
what the guys are up to?

Gentlemen, there's
only one rule,

and that is to have fun...

and to tip generously.

Well, since you're here
to emcee,

I'm going to go get
the hot wings.

I could use a little help.

Gents, there is
a special menu available

for special requests,

all right, huh,

okay, all right?

Now let's get the bachelor!

Patch, Patch, Patch, Patch,

Patch, Patch!

Dang, man, ol',
don't, no way, man,

talkin' 'bout dang ol' sanctity
of marriage, man.

Just dang ol' get on out.

Daggum, mine all mine, man.

Talkin' primed and ready.

Here, here's some
dang ol' money.

Now-now, you just dang ol' get
on out of here, man.

Hold on now. Come on, baby.

We need a bedroom story, man,
talking "Once Upon My Lap."

Get 'em while they're hot!

Wow! You didn't
tell me

about this part, Dad.

Bobby, close your eyes
and go to your room.

Boomhauer, what are you doing?

Patch?

Daggum ol' help!

Boomhauer, told you
no hanky and panky.

Dang ol' hijacked
by Boom-hos.

Is this true?

Boomhauer, did you pay

for these women to...

I can't believe you!

Marriage may not mean
anything to you,

but it means a lot
to Patch and me and Buck

and everyone else here!

Hey, man, now I'm talkin'
'bout ol' dang ol'...

I don't want to hear it!

Now take your hired floozies
and get the hell out!

Now, Boomhauer!

Guys night out, man,
talkin'... girls?

Why?

I really thought
Boomhauer had come around.

I mean, he brought beer...

but then...
the prostitutes.

Maybe you can work that
into your best man speech

at the rehearsal dinner.

You know, in a funny way.

What really bugs me

is that Boomhauer
flat out lied to me.

It makes me question
our entire friendship.

Whore monger, yes;
liar, unproven.

Technically, Boomhauer
did not lie to your face.

You merely assume
that he lied.

Wait a minute. You're right.

I never asked Boomhauer

if he tried to break up
Patch and Katherine,

so he hasn't actually lied
to me yet.

If I go to Boomhauer,
and he comes clean, well...

maybe there's a chance
we can still be friends.

Does this suit smell like
embalming fluid to you?

Now, Boomhauer,

as a man, I'm obligated

to try to salvage our friendship
of over 30 years

by asking you
some tough questions.

Do you love Katherine Hester?

Yo, man.

And does the thought of Patch
marrying her tear you up inside?

Yo, man.

And did you hire those ladies
of easy virtue

to frame Patch
and break up the wedding?

No, man.

Oh, Boomhauer,

I am so sorry
for doubting you.

Well, wait a minute.

If you didn't hire
those girls, then...

Kraig T?!

Oh, God, Patch knew all along!

Dang ol' yeah, man,

now-now, talkin'
'bout d-don't get hurt

falling off that dang ol'
high horse, man. Boomhauer,

I deserve all that and more,

but right now I need
to get to the rehearsal dinner

and set things right.

I'll give Patch
the "happy ending" he deserves,

I tell you what.

Dang ol', where's
the best man, daggum, Hank?

Gotta give speech, man,
talkin' 'bout...

"Life's funny sometimes..."
like that, man.

Oh, my God, your
Hank is dead-on.

You know, I do a great Bobby.

Excuse me, sir.

We have a hard
7:00 start time,

so I'm going to...

There Boomhauer.

We get a good fight,
it make up for cash bar.

Uh, sorry I'm late.

Hank Hill,
Best Man, Strickland Propane.

When people get married,
as these two plan tomorrow,

you've got to act right.

You've got to have commitment,

devotion, trust.

You can't be fooling around,

and you surely can't be...

There's something
I have to say.

When Patch first
asked me to marry him,

it was a dream come true...

...but when I got here,

I realized how much Patch
reminded me of Boomhauer,

and that I might be trying
to recapture something I lost.

And then Boomhauer hired

a bunch of prostitutes

to make me think Patch
was some kind of pervert...

and I hated him for it...

...but it was that desperate,
crazy, romantic move

that made me realize
maybe there is something

still between Boomhauer
and me.

I'm sorry, Patch.

I cannot marry you.

Well, now hold on, baby.

Now, daggum, no, man.

It was all me.

Yeah, all me.

Talkin' 'bout frequent buyer,

spent Thanksgiving
with them hos, man.

Oh, my!

You're the one who hired
those strippers?

Dang straight, baby.

Dang ol' hopeless romantic.

Uh, no.

Boomhauer hired them because he
couldn't stand to see us together

is a grand romantic gesture.

You hiring them is...

just plain sleazy.

It's over, Patch.

Dang ol', no, baby, talkin'
'bout not me, man, talkin'...

Hank! Dang ol' Hank
loves hookers, man.

Well, here we are
saying good-bye again.

Don't worry. I'm not
going to do a donut

in your front lawn this time.

I just need to go
away for a while

and get my head together.

Hey, man, talkin' 'bout like
a dang ol' roller coaster, man.

You know, I talk...
we talk about destiny,

and that Big ol' Dipper,
man, you know,

well, it's just like a...
like a dang ol' North Star, man,

and I always will
be there, man,

you know, just like
a dang ol' GPS...

I feel the same way.

Hey, um, dang ol' Hank,
man, you know,

talkin' 'bout, like,
that dang ol' day

might never not ever come,
you know,

but if it do, man,
you know, I...

you know, man, I might be puttin' a
little ol' call on... on you, man.

Well, Boomhauer,
I'd be honored.

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Whoa-ho-hoo, Patch.