King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 7, Episode 23 - Witches of East Arlen - full transcript

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Budding thespians of TLMS,
I give you

the cast list of Oklahoma!

I'm in a dance number.

It will be an honor
to work with you.

I think you'll find
my portrayal of Curly

to be both sensitive
and gruff.

Now, where are you, Curly?

Ah! Hello there.

Ken Hayashi?



Sorry, Bobby.

Kenny just has a certain
"rootin' tootin"' quality

about him.

His brother had it, too.

Yee-haw!

(chuckling):
Wonderful!

Let's get a move on!

I want to get to
the flea market

while the tube sock
guy is still there.

Oh, Hank,
jus tcut the pom-poms off

and wear a pair of mine.

Our boy is just
sulking in bed

in his pajamas
and a cowboy hat.

You know, if you ask
me, there might be



a silver lining to him
not being a dancing cowboy.

Hank, we both know
he is not like you,

but you are still his father,

so go in there
and sympathize with him.

(sighing):
It's just...

the tube sock always brings
that old German Shepard,

and if it gets too hot,

I know he's going to
have to take him home.

(sighs)

I just can't believe it.

I thought it
was meant to be.

Ah, yeah, I know.

I know.
It's terrible.

It's just terrible.

Terrible.

It's a beautiful day out there.

Why don't you get dressed, uh,
throw out that hat

and go hang out
with your friends?

I can't.

Joseph's at football practice,

and Connie's
at one of her recitals.

They both got things
they're good at.

I always thought
performing was my thing.

You've seen me fall down.

I can cry on demand.

(wailing melodramatically):
Why?!

See?

Uh... well, we just need
to find you a new thing.

A cool new thing,

and I know just the
place to find it.

HANK:
Ah, the flea market.

It's like America's garage.

You know,
somewhere in all this old stuff

is the new you, son.

Hey, a lawnmower engine.

Get a truck dolly and
an old steering wheel,

and you could be
"The Go Cart Guy."

Ah, come on, it's not that hot.

(sighing):
Here.

Why don't you take a lap?

See what you come up with.

Hey, what are those?

Oh, those are Tarot Cards.

People use them
to tell the future.

They're like baseball cards
for Hobbits!

I'll take 'em!

Hey, Bobby,
ready to roll?

Oh, so you found something.

Yeah. I bought
these really cool cards.

Well, all right, Bobby!

Everybody respects a guy
who's good at cards.

Really?

Well, sure.

That's why they always get
nicknames like "Amarillo Slim"

or "The Cincinnati Kid."

I know, I'll call you "Ace!"

Now focus all your energy
on this card,

and it will foretell
your future.

The ten of swords...

it means advantage,
profit, success.

Well, hey, that's great.

Things have been going
pretty well for me,

you know, with my girlfriend,
Laoma, and... (chuckles).

Oh, wait, it's upside down.

That means something.

Pain, affliction,
tears, sadness, desolation.

(pathetic whining)

Oh, for the love
of Mordecai.

Oh, I see you're into Tarot.

How long have you divined
the cards?

Couple of days.

It's kind of my thing.

(hissing scoff)

The only thing you can predict
with these

is a coincidence.

No. If you want
any accuracy at all,

you need a Mantegna deck,
or at least a Fibbia.

Huh. Sounds like you really know
what you're talking about.

(sarcastically):
Yeah. Sounds like.

As a 14th-level sorcerer,
I'd be a joke if I didn't.

Of course,
forecasting the future

is just the beginning.

The real power of magick...

and that's magick with a "ck"...

comes in manipulating
the present.

MAN (yelling):
Ward!

I told you to clean
that bathroom a half hour ago.

I'm right on it, chief!

Hey, I want to learn

more about this stuff.

Listen, young friend,

do not let anyone see
this address.

Arrive exactly
at the stroke of four.

Ward!

And bring some potato chips.

Today, Merlin!

Damn it, Dale,
you got to stop painting

your house number on my curb.

Sorry, Hank, but I got
to lay low for a while.

You have no idea how far
the jackals of the Franklin Mint

will go to collect a debt.

Is it okay if
I'm a little late for dinner?

My friend Ward invited me
to a gathering.

(groans)

Gee, Bobby, you put me
in an awkward position.

You really should be asking
your father.

Well, who's this
Ward fella?

I met him at the video store.

He saw my card pouch,
and we got to talking.

So I'm going to hang outwith
him and his friends tonight.

I'm bringing the chips.

Well, see, Bobby,
I knew you'd find your "thing."

And doesn’t that sound like
more fun

than being in a musical
about Oklahoma?

Welcome to
the Coven of Artemis!

Wow! Cool lair.

I suppose introductions
are in order.

Bobby, meet Vaughn,

N'oram Woodbender,

Pan the Soothsayer,

and of course,
the Master of Disaster...

Mitchell Jefferson.

You can’t just bring outsiders
to our meetings!

It's okay, Mitchell.

He's cool.

You're supposed to...

I said, he's cool!

Welcome.

Bobby, be forewarned.

Because of the
powers of the Coven,

people fear us.

When we walk down the streets,
mothers steer their babies away.

Shopkeepers close their stores.

Holy!

This looks like something
out of Harry Potter.

Dude, I just
vouched for you.

If Harry Potter went to... hell.

This, Bobby, is nutmeg,
and we use this spice for?

Um, oh, I remember.

Give me a second...

invincibility.

Resplendant!

The spices sit easily
upon you.

MAN:
Oh...

I see you boys
are making a cake.

A cake?!

Yeah.

A cake of tremendous power!

(boys laughing)

Score one for the acolyte.

GAME ANNOUNCER:
Fumble, Joseph Gribble.

As much as I hate
seeing my boy
play badly,

I do enjoy hearing his name
over the loudspeaker.

Sorry, but I got to blow off
the last quarter.

I told the guys I'd meet them
in the parking lot.

Know when to
hold 'em, Ace.

Go get 'em, Shuffles!

Uh-oh. Ace is
going to need this.

Hey, any of you kids
seen Bobby Hill...

Blonde hair,
card player...

(finger cymbals chinging)

That's okay, he must be
tailgating over there.

Forces of fire,

beings of the south,

we command you to rise
and lend us your power!

Interloper!

What the hell
are you people doing?

Hey, Dad!

Bobby?

Meet the guys.

Or as we like to call ourselves:
The Coven of Artemis.

(yells)

HANK:
Here I am thinking
you're playing

a nice, honest game of poker,

and instead
you're summoning

the Prince of Dragons?!

BOY (laughing):
Hey, check out the dork!

Jedi Knight, 10:00.
Hey, what's
with Yoda?

BOBBY:
You can't play poker

with these cards, Dad.
(scoffs)

That's a good way
to bring down

the wrath of Lud.

It's all here
in the book I bought.

Forty-five
dollars?!

The family Bible
costs less that that,

and it was
written by Jesus.

Yeah, but this book tells you
how to summon wood nymphs

and water sprites.

(sighs)

All right, look,
I know you're at an age

where you think all this stuff
is interesting,

but believe me it really isn't.

But you told me to find
a new thing.

And then when I do,

you just want
to take it away from me.

They're my circle of power.

(sighing):
Believe me, Bobby,
I'm doing it for your own good.

Now we're not going to tell
your mother about this.

I know she shields me

from a lot of
the things you do,

and, well, I'm going
to return the favor

on this one.

Harness the energy
of the crystal.

Well, done, N'oram!

Your powers are
growing stronger.

Hey, guys.

Ah, young apprentice.

Something is
on your mind.

I can sense it.

My dad says I can't hang out
with you guys anymore.

I guess he thinks
magick is dumb.

Magick is "dumb"?

Does this look dumb?

F'zah!

COOK:
Don't make me
come over there!

N'oram, are you trying
to get us kicked out of here?

Sorry.

Bobby, the problem
with your father is

he's "ungifted."

Our kind

have always
been persecuted

by those
who understand not.

From the Salem
trials of the 1600s

to the locker room beatings
and bathroom swirlies of today.

'Tis all one.

So that's why my dad
is so weird about this.

He's threatened by my powers.

Bobby,

the mark of Merlin is upon you.

When you have completed
your training,

you will be a White Wizard!

Really? Wow!
What do I have to do?

When can I start?

Your training
begins now.

You can start by
refilling my root beer.

It was wise that you came to me,

but be forewarned
that I am merely the vessel

through which
the powers flow.

Are you going to help us

get our kickball
off the roof?

Silence!

By the breath of Heckatees,

I summon the winds of the north
to blow!

Blow, I say!

Bobby, a word, please.

(smugly):
Resplendant!

PRINCIPAL MOSS:
Before we get started,

I'd like to know

the proper term
for your religion.

You know, what's the politically
correct term for "witch"?

Hank, what is
going on here?

Uh, nothing.

Bobby just got a
little carried away
with this new club,

but there's nothing
to worry about.

He's quitting.

I think everyone's
just a little uptight.

Why don't I summon up
a tranquility spirit

so we can all rest easy.

Oh, powers
of ancient Boolardune...

I can't have him praying
in my office.

School board's
very clear on that.

(sighing):
He's not praying.

And he's stopping right now.

(humming)

Hank, I may be a mother,
but I am still a woman,

and I know a girl repellent
when I see it.

(shudders)

I want grandchildren!
Will you fix this?!

Uh, Mr. Rackley?

Yes.

Yeah, I'd like to
have a word with you

about your son, Ward.

You see, he and my boy,
Bobby, are playmates...

Excuse me.
But I'm Ward Rackley.

You're Ward Rackley?

It's one
of my many monikers, yes.

I'm also known
as Madelgar of the North Woods,

and in certain company,

Austin Osman Starklarvatard.

How old are you? 30? 40?

Ha! Not even close.

I am 5,000.

Don't you have some
friends your own age?

Someone to drink with,
maybe a girlfriend?

And waste my seed
on a common harlot?

Not likely.

When the time is right,

a maiden will be
delivered up to me.

Probably from the east.

(sighs)

Some of this
isn't your fault.

I mean, a man can only
take so many wedgies

before he goes to pieces.

Good luck
to you, buddy.

And stay away from my son,
or I'll kick your ass.

You don't understand
who you threaten.

I have powers.

Terrible powers!

Ma!

(sighs)

Okay, we tried it your way;
now you're doing it my way.

This is a carburetor.

Take it apart,
put it back together.

Repeat until
you're normal.

But, Dad, the Dark Arts are
nothing to be afraid of.

I'm not afraid of that garbage.

I'm afraid of you

getting your ass
kicked every day

for the rest
of your life

because you
found a new way
to act like a nerd.

Ward said
you wouldn't understand.

Bobby, you don't
need a crystal ball

to see Ward's future.

He's going to live
with his mother
until she dies,

and maybe for
a few weeks after.

(sighs)

Now, until you stop
with all this nonsense,

I want you to take
your carburetor

and go to your room.

(sighs)

BOBBY:
I know my dad

must've come off
as some kind of nut job,

but you've got to believe,

I'm completely committed
to our power circle.

Are you? I wonder.

I'd think you'd be able
to control your father

as effectively
as I control Mother.

Nevertheless,
Bobby's daddy has shown us

that persecution of our kind
is on the rise.

Perhaps it's time to take
our powers to the next level.

Yeah!
Approved!

Tonight we are going
to kick it up a notch

and summon a dread force
that will bestow upon us

unequaled power!

And of course we'll need someone
to be the chalice holder.

I'll do it.

Excellent, my young apprentice.

You'll earn
that White Wizard cone yet.

We will convene at
the ceremony grounds

at half past the eighth hour.

Assuming that fat ass
let's me leave on time.

Cool. So, uh, what does
the chalice holder do, anyway?

You hold the chalice
during the incantation.

Then, right after
we light the candles,

you drink caninus spiritus.

What's caninus spiritus?

Dog blood.

What?!

You are the chosen one, Bobby.

Soon, and for all time,

you will be known
throughout the land as...

Robert the Dog-Quaffer.

Have you, uh, checked out

John Redcorn's
New Age Healing Center?

You really should.

On Friday nights,

John Redcorn and his band,

Big Mountain Fudge Cake,
will be playing.

I'm John Redcorn.

I told you,
no more fliers.

Hey, Bobby, you like to rock.

Huh?

I'm just reading up
on ancient ceremonies

where people had to drink
animal blood.

Aah, there's got to be
a loophole somewhere.

You're losing me.

You can't tell anyone this.

Promise me?

Bobby, I give you my
oath as a New Age healer.

Okay. This group of guys
I hang with,

we're doing a ceremony tonight,

and they want me to drink
the dog blood.

Dog? Eww!

That's just weird.

I have to do it.

I can't do theater.

I can't do sports.

If I can't drink
something gross,

what have I got?

I had a breakthrough last night
with my fruit rehydrator.

Can you believe
a mere 12 hours ago,

these plump, luscious grapes
were raisins?

Hank, there's something
that I think you should know.

Something very personal
and disturbing.

Sounds like we should leave.

What is it,
John Redcorn?

Bobby's going to drink
dog blood.

Aah! Aah! Aah!

What?!

It's part of some ceremony
his friends have cooked up,

and it's going down tonight.

No god dang way.

I'm not going to let Bobby
be branded a freak

for the rest of his life.

Before we get started,

a debt of gratitude is owed
to Brother Vaughn

for procuring the offering.

My mom's new boyfriend's
a veterinarian.

He lets me call him Rick.

(groans)

Resplendent!

Now, everyone,
if you would all be so good

as to take your positions
on the pentagram.

Uh, Ward,

a pentagram has five points,
but there’s only four bases.

Why do you always test me,
Mitchell?

Just go stand
at shortstop.

We don't have your cat.

I'm looking
for my son, Bobby.

Is Ward there?

Well, his bicycle isn't here,
so he must be gone.

Want to come in?

Oh... (giggles)

Whoops.

WARD (chanting):
We humbly come before you

to ask for your magnificent
strength and wisdom...

(humming)

(groans)

All right, everybody,
party's over.

Oh, sorry.

I'm looking for
a bunch of warlocks.

Warlocks?

You know, nerds
in capes and stuff.

Oh, yeah.

We kicked them out
about an hour ago.

The tall guy geeked hard.

I cast a spell
on his ass with my foot.

And now, in the melding
of our joint worlds,

our White Wizard will
ingest the elixir...

caninus spiritus.

OTHERS (chanting):
White Wizard, White Wizard...

White Wizard, White Wizard.

Bobby, now.

Do it now.

Uh...

I don't know
if I'm ready for this.

Every gifted one passes
through the bog of doubt.

Now, do it!

I can't.

You have to.

Do it now, before
the moon wanes.

Yeah, ye-yes, right!

Before the moon wanes.

I'm sorry.
I-I just can't do it.

It's gross.

Then we will have
to destroy you.

OTHERS (chanting):
Menta, besa, lorta, orga.

Menta, besa, lorta.

(laughing):
Oh, my God!

My dad was right about you guys.

Under these cool robes and hats,

you're all just
a bunch of losers.

Silence, insolent one!

Accept your fate.

F'zah!

You guys are so nerdy,

even I feel like giving you
a wedgie.

I was wrong about him.

He is ungifted and deserves
nothing but our censure.

Thanks for the robe, fellas.

Oh, there's some

dragon feathers in the pocket.

Help yourself.

Well, I guess I was able
to make him disappear.

Mitchell, how would you like
to be the chalice holder?

No?

Anybody?

Well, no reason to waste

to perfectly good
caninus spiritus.

Let's find an overpass.

Bobby!

Hey, Dad.

Are you okay?

You, uh, you didn't drink
the dog blood, did you?

Me? Drink dog blood?

That's not my thing.

Well, good for you.

I mean,
to tell you the truth,

those guys are
a little pathetic.

Can you believe Ward was wearing
socks with his sandals?

Unbelievable.

I guess I still need to find
exactly what my thing is.

Well, that's okay, son.

You've still got time.

I didn't really find football
till high school.

And I was in my twenties
when I found propane.

REDCORN:
What's wrong with wearing
socks with sandals?

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access. Wgbh. Org

BOBBY:
Resplendent!