King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 7, Episode 22 - Maid in Arlen - full transcript
Kahn reacts with horror when his mother becomes the Hills' maid... and Bill's lover.
Hey, you think
I'd meet more women
if I changed
my name to Tango?
Don't change your name
again, Bill.
(engine rumbles)
Kohng Koy Kahn!
Mama!
Huh, Kahn has a mother?
Somehow I always pictured
a pod situation.
Minh, you are
very lucky
to have a man like
Kahn to care for you.
You must be
sure always
to show your
appreciation.
Oh, what helpful suggestion.
I do that right away.
Minh, your stew looks nice,
but I would add
just a bit more oyster sauce
for a richer flavor.
If I may.
If I may just
demonstrate.
Hey, Grandma, I just...
Uh-oh. Already?
(grunting):
If I may just
demonstrate...
I hate to leave two
such beautiful women,
but I must go and
bring home the bacon
for you both.
I will miss you, Kohng Koy Kahn.
I will go sit in
the dining room for a while.
Yeah, knock
yourself out.
(spray can hissing)
What are you doing?
Oh, just some cleaning.
No, Laoma, it's
not necessary.
I clean house
yesterday just fine.
If I may just
demonstrate.
(Minh shouting In Laotian)
(clears throat)
Well, hello.
I am Peggy Hill.
Laoma
Souphanousinphone.
Mrs. Hill, I must
respectfully say
that you are missing
an opportunity
for the greatest
cleanliness of
your windows.
I beg your pardon?
You use improper
wiping motion.
If you would allow me
to demonstrate.
I was a homemaker
for 40 years,
and I found that
I truly enjoyed cleaning.
(glass squeaking)
Well, my favorite
part of cleaning
is being done, huh?
(laughing)
Well, I see you don't
relax by laughing.
If you find no joy in housework,
perhaps you would do better
with a housekeeper.
Oh, well, I've had
fantasies about it,
believe me.
We just don't have
that kind of money.
Please, Mrs. Hill,
I would not
charge much.
You know my
daughter-in-law:
I really need to
get out of the house.
Deal.
You can call me
Miss Peggy.
And this, as you can
see, is the kitchen.
There's the sink,
the oven, the floor, the...
Yes. It is like
many kitchens I have seen.
I will find my way.
(humming)
What is she doing?
(whispering):
She's cleaning our house,
for practically nothing.
That wash cloth cost
more than her.
Now get out before
she changes her mind.
♪ Bev-Bev, Beverly Hills Cop, ♪
♪ Bev-Bev, Beverly Hills Cop, ♪
♪ Axel Foley gonna find
those drugs ♪
(laughs)
Mama going to throw garbage
all over Hill lawn.
How I love her.
No...
...not there.
Well, how that spiteful?
What's she...?
PEGGY:
Laoma?
Coming, Miss Peggy!
(screaming)
This crazy...
you survive brutal
dictatorship
in Communist state,
only to become slave
in America?
(groans):
Oh, don't be
silly, Kahn.
Now, does this
"Hank" name tag
look clean
enough to you?
(sighs):
I just don't like
the idea of having a maid.
I don't
even feel right
having a waiter
clear my plate.
So, why don't
you fire her?
Because that would
be even more wrong
than it was
to hire her.
(sighs):
Nope, I'm afraid
we'll have to
keep her on with us now
till she dies.
KAHN:
Well!
That very clever prank
you play, Hank Hill.
You take advantage
of poor, old,
defenseless woman
to spite neighbor.
Wait till your mother come
here on rocking chair
tied to roof of car...
I make her dance
for nickel!
(screaming In Laotian)
(laughter)
Dang ol' Kahn, man!
I've never seen this woman clean
anything, but I enjoy her work.
(television plays)
Hello, Mr. Hill.
Oh, hi, Laoma.
Please continue
to watch your sports game.
I will not disturb you.
Oh, I know, I know.
I'm just stretching
my legs.
(quietly):
Uh-oh. Sticky stain.
(grunting)
No, Mr. Hill.
It is okay.
You stay and watch.
I insist.
(grunting)
Oh, God.
Time for afternoon snack.
You... You brought me a snack?
You are the male child
of the family.
Your responsibility is great,
and so must be your nourishment.
Melted cheese, roast beef,
sauerkraut...
this is a Reuben sandwich!
(choked up):
I wasn't expecting this.
I-I...
(clears throat)
I gotta sit down.
Oh, Minh. My heart is breaking.
With every speck of dirt Mama
clean from hillbilly's toilet,
it one more speck
of dirt on my face.
Your mother must not be treated
like a caged bird.
We must let her fly.
Even if it’s just across the
street for a few hours a day.
Tomorrow
Mama's day off.
I must find her
new way to occupy time.
Something she can do
here in house,
instead of in cracker
shack next door.
Day off?
So she be here tomorrow...
with me?
Howdy, fellows!
I see you are all relaxing
after a hard day of work.
(all agreeing)
Yeah, just having a beer.
I bet you wish you had
super-clean homes to go to
like your buddy Hank.
Uh, well, yeah.
Well, there's
good news.
My mother-in-law has remaining
shifts available
at unbeatable prices.
Who sign up first?
Heck, I'll take a day.
I could use some Asian
fingerprints in there.
Why not you, Bill?
Have you become
emotionally attached
to your many rats
and cockroaches?
No. They can leave any time
they want... I wouldn't care.
So hire Laoma. She
practically free.
Well... maybe I should.
I just always figured I'd have
to be rich to be clean.
This will take me
months.
Thank you, Bill.
KAHN:
Huh?
(screaming)
(car crashing)
BILL:
Oh, Laoma, I can't
thank you enough.
My house is clean,
my clothes are clean...
I'm clean.
And I can't believe
how many forks
you found.
It has been my pleasure.
It is a curious thing.
I moved here only to be closer
to my son.
It has been a lovely surprise
that I have also found
something to do.
Yes... lovely.
Oh, something's
on your mind.
As a barber, I've
seen that look
on my own face
in the mirror
many a time.
Well, there
is still a void
that neither family
nor work can fulfill.
Yeah, there's a void
in my life, too.
It's nice to talk to
someone who has
the same void.
Laoma...
forgive me if I'm
out of line, but...
would you ever consider
spending time with me,
you know, outside
of my house?
LAOMA:
A heart attack took my husband
away from me to the next life.
But I believe he returned
as the gentle wind
that blows through
this meadow, even now.
My God, that's the most
beautiful description
of a haunted meadow
I've ever heard.
My heart... it's been
broken so many times!
I will be gentle.
If I may demonstrate...
Oh, Laoma.
Oh...
(kissing)
Mmm... oh!
So, you guys
go to things...
anybody know
where I can get
two tickets
to "Love Letters"
at the Arlen Little Theater?
Good Lord, has your ass gotten
so fat you need two seats?
No. I have a friend.
You can't take a pigeon
to the theater, Bill.
For your information,
she happens to
be a lady,
and we really
like each other.
I got to tell you, things got
pretty hot and heavy last night.
Ooh, good one,
man, Dang 'ol...
Oh...
Way to go, Bill.
Anyone we know?
Yep. It's Kahn's mom.
(splitting)
By God dang, man!
Bill, she's 20 years
older than you.
She's literally an old maid.
My God, she's perfect for you.
Congratulations, Bill!
Aw, thanks.
So, how does Kahn
feel about all this?
Oh, we haven't told him yet.
It'll probably take him
some getting used to,
and we don’t want
to upset him
until the relationship
is on a surer footing.
Dang ol' 9:00, man.
Dauterive!
My mother get home
two hours late
last night.
You work her
overtime?
(stifling laughter)
I'm sorry, Kahn.
We lost track
of the hour.
Well, that
unacceptable.
Every time my mother
come back from
your house,
she sweaty and
exhausted.
(stifling laughter)
Come on, guys,
cool it.
From now on, you stop
riding her so hard.
(all guffawing)
You need to use bathroom,
Mr. Hill?
Uh, no, no. I just, uh...
It's okay.
I come back when you done.
No, no, really,
I'll just do
it later.
I insist. You go
to the bathroom immediately.
I will wait outside
until you have finished.
(sighs)
Uh, are you still
out there?
Yes.
Do you require
assistance, Mr. Hill?
No!
For three years now,
I've had show turtles,
and I've never once
put them in a show.
I'm a freakin' hypocrite.
Any of you
seen my mother?
Well,
that depends.
How are you at receiving
unspeakably awful news?
Dale!
KAHN:
Oh,
there she is.
Wait a minute.
That not
her housecleaning outfit.
(giggling)
Whee!
Ha. What'd he do that for?
(moaning)
Anybody want to watch the game?
Why, Mama?
Why not instead
become bag lady?
Or actress
in pornographic film?
Why must you humiliate me
in worst way imaginable?
Kahn, I do not mean
to shame you.
I am an old, lonely woman.
Bill such a big, strong man.
When I in his arms,
I feel like delicate
little hummingbird, and he my...
Aah! Too vivid. No.
Don't you love me?
Of course I do.
You're my mama.
Kahn, if you
love me,
you will try
to love Bill.
Oh, we just...
Say it.
I... I...
I will try to...
love...
Bill.
BILL:
Oh, I swear Laoma
and I must have been
the handsomest
couple
in that noodle
house last night.
(weak chuckle)
BILL:
Yeah.
You should've seen the
way people's heads turned
when we walked
in together.
(Kahn mutters)
I guess there's
just something
about a couple
that's deeply,
deeply in love.
(groans)
(forced chuckle):
Yeah.
BILL:
'Course you should
have seen
the way Laoma flirted
with the maïtre d'
to get us a table.
(laughing)
Oh, Bill, stop.
Stop, yeah.
Oh, I thought I was going
to lose her
for a minute there, folks.
Bill, you know
I flirt only with you.
(groans):
Oh!
BILL:
Ah, that one is true.
It's true.
She's like a teenager.
She nearly caused me
to hit the guardrail
driving home.
(groans):
Oh. Oh.
I feeling dizzy
and short of breath.
I think
I'm having a stroke.
No, don’t get up.
And call me a crazy dreamer
if you want,
but are we the only intelligent
life in the universe?
I don't think so.
Mm. Yes, Miss Peggy.
Explain the pyramids.
You can't.
KAHN:
No, no, no!
For love of all things holy.
Now my mother swill beer
in alley
like full-blown redneck.
Relax, Kahn.
She happy out there.
And your mother's happiness is
the only thing
that matters to me.
But what if people
at office find out?
Aah!
Used to be
I could go to
work and brag
about my family.
I tell them,
"My daughter a genius.
"She build perfect replica
"of lunar module for
advanced placement
science class."
They have no retort.
Now anything I say,
they counter with,
"Oh, how's that six-toed
possum baby
your mother have with redneck?"
What do you think, Dad?
Does this look like a convincing
replica of Harrison Schmitt?
Ha.
Astronaut turned senator.
Now this is the kind of man
who should be dating my mother.
Man who conquer Moon,
not man who conquer moon pie.
BILL:
Kahn,
I'm so delighted
that you’ve finally
come to see me.
Yeah. Oh.
Well, I wish I could come here
under happier circumstances.
Well, any problem of yours
is a problem of mine.
Yeah, actually,
this one all yours.
See, here the thing.
My mama has fallen in love
with another man.
(gasps)
An astronaut.
Which one?
Harrison Schmitt.
(sighs)
Listen, can you fly spaceship?
No.
Oh.
Then this could be problem.
But... but...
we're in love.
Oh, come on, Bill.
You know it was only
a matter of time
before she leave you.
Like your wife did.
Yeah.
I suppose you're right.
But why didn’t she
tell me herself?
Because she pity you.
Yeah, Mama way too nice
to hurt you
just so she could find
true happiness.
So I guess
she just live out her days
in miserable, unsatisfying
relationship with you.
The important thing is
that Bill gets what Bill wants.
Well, it really
none of my business.
I show myself out.
Yeah.
Okay.
(sighs)
Bill... are you not well?
I... I'm okay.
No.
Something is wrong.
Usually you're licking
bottom of bowl by now.
(sighs)
You are breaking up with me.
Sometimes you have to move on
to find true happiness.
New people show up
into other people's lives,
sometimes wearing space helmets,
I guess.
This... this is what you want?
Well, I think
in the long run
it's better
for both of us.
Don’t you think?
Oh.
Yes.
Of course.
Good.
Then we're broken up.
There's a full moon
tomorrow night.
Now I guess you
can enjoy it
with someone
who's been there.
(cries)
(crying)
KAHN:
Whata rush!
Maybe next
I break up Hank and Peggy.
(groans):
Oh.
I'm not going to pretend
that I really got you two,
but you seemed happy.
Why did you break up
with her?
Well, she was
clean, I was dirty.
Something had to give.
You'll get a new
woman soon, Bill.
Remember, you scored
with an older chick.
You're the man now.
Oh, no wait.
I was thinking
of high school.
Sorry.
Mama, time to trim my ear hair.
Oh, you doing laundry. Good.
Minh refuses
to iron my socks.
No, Kahn.
I am leaving,
though I will try to
get a few loads done
before I go.
Pinebrook Acres?
It is a combination
retirement home and cemetery.
It's really quite
convenient.
But everything perfect now.
Everybody happy!
I am sorry,
but it is too hard
to have Bill so close.
And the home will be fun.
I am sure there
will be parties
where they make us
wear little paper hats.
Oh! Sill undercooked.
Un-be-freakin'-lievable.
Damn that Laoma.
She just waltzes
into my life,
teases me with labor
at slave wages,
and then runs off
to a nursing home.
No soup?
Where's the fish course?
This isn't right.
I'm the firstborn male.
Look, I should be
in the warm tub right now
contemplating.
(yawns)
Baa!
What the hell are you doing,
Bill?
Ugh! Sorry.
It’s just that this is
where Laoma
and I first made love.
Ugh.
I don't get it, Bill.
You broke up with Laoma,
and now you're pining over her?
I only broke up with her
'cause I found out
she was involved
with an astronaut.
What?
Uh-uh.
Harrison Schmitt.
And I didn’t want
to stand in the way
of her being
with such a great guy.
Look, I don't know about any...
Harrison Schmitt?
Really?
Well, look,
whoever it is,
you just have to go to Laoma...
somewhere far away
from my front stoop...
and make sure you tell her
how you feel about her
and that nobody can
take care of her
better than you can.
Yeah, but Kahn said...
Don't worry about what
Kahn or anybody else says.
You've got to take
your best shot.
And then if she chooses
someone else,
well, at least
you tried.
Look out, Spaceman.
Bill Dauterive
is coming through!
I hate
to see you
so unhappy
because of...
Bill Dauterive.
But, uh...
But who knows
why he does
what he does.
BILL (shouting):
Laoma!
Okay, time's a-wastin'.
Laoma!
Bill?
Laoma, wait.
Don’t go.
I am sorry.
I must.
Where is he taking you?
Houston?
Cape Canaveral?
Okay, Dauterive finally snap.
Come on, we go inside,
call 911.
Look, I don't care
about your rocket boy,
and I don't care what kind
of gifts he makes you.
You want to know
what I think of him?
(grunts)
Hey!
I never stopped
loving you, Laoma.
I just wanted to let you
find happiness
with Astronaut Schmitt.
But I know
you'll only find
true happiness with me.
Oh, Bill.
Oh.
Wait.
Astronaut who?
Yes, Harrison Schmitt.
Kahn told me everything.
Kahn?
Mama,
it not what it look like.
I only did it
because the thought
of you two together make me sick
to the very pit of my stomach.
Oh, come on.
Like you all wouldn't
have done the same thing
if Dauterive was
after your mother?
(groans):
Oh.
You know, this not so bad.
It kind of like those dogs
that so ugly, they almost cute.
Yeah.
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access. Wgbh. Org
UH OH, sticky stain...
I'd meet more women
if I changed
my name to Tango?
Don't change your name
again, Bill.
(engine rumbles)
Kohng Koy Kahn!
Mama!
Huh, Kahn has a mother?
Somehow I always pictured
a pod situation.
Minh, you are
very lucky
to have a man like
Kahn to care for you.
You must be
sure always
to show your
appreciation.
Oh, what helpful suggestion.
I do that right away.
Minh, your stew looks nice,
but I would add
just a bit more oyster sauce
for a richer flavor.
If I may.
If I may just
demonstrate.
Hey, Grandma, I just...
Uh-oh. Already?
(grunting):
If I may just
demonstrate...
I hate to leave two
such beautiful women,
but I must go and
bring home the bacon
for you both.
I will miss you, Kohng Koy Kahn.
I will go sit in
the dining room for a while.
Yeah, knock
yourself out.
(spray can hissing)
What are you doing?
Oh, just some cleaning.
No, Laoma, it's
not necessary.
I clean house
yesterday just fine.
If I may just
demonstrate.
(Minh shouting In Laotian)
(clears throat)
Well, hello.
I am Peggy Hill.
Laoma
Souphanousinphone.
Mrs. Hill, I must
respectfully say
that you are missing
an opportunity
for the greatest
cleanliness of
your windows.
I beg your pardon?
You use improper
wiping motion.
If you would allow me
to demonstrate.
I was a homemaker
for 40 years,
and I found that
I truly enjoyed cleaning.
(glass squeaking)
Well, my favorite
part of cleaning
is being done, huh?
(laughing)
Well, I see you don't
relax by laughing.
If you find no joy in housework,
perhaps you would do better
with a housekeeper.
Oh, well, I've had
fantasies about it,
believe me.
We just don't have
that kind of money.
Please, Mrs. Hill,
I would not
charge much.
You know my
daughter-in-law:
I really need to
get out of the house.
Deal.
You can call me
Miss Peggy.
And this, as you can
see, is the kitchen.
There's the sink,
the oven, the floor, the...
Yes. It is like
many kitchens I have seen.
I will find my way.
(humming)
What is she doing?
(whispering):
She's cleaning our house,
for practically nothing.
That wash cloth cost
more than her.
Now get out before
she changes her mind.
♪ Bev-Bev, Beverly Hills Cop, ♪
♪ Bev-Bev, Beverly Hills Cop, ♪
♪ Axel Foley gonna find
those drugs ♪
(laughs)
Mama going to throw garbage
all over Hill lawn.
How I love her.
No...
...not there.
Well, how that spiteful?
What's she...?
PEGGY:
Laoma?
Coming, Miss Peggy!
(screaming)
This crazy...
you survive brutal
dictatorship
in Communist state,
only to become slave
in America?
(groans):
Oh, don't be
silly, Kahn.
Now, does this
"Hank" name tag
look clean
enough to you?
(sighs):
I just don't like
the idea of having a maid.
I don't
even feel right
having a waiter
clear my plate.
So, why don't
you fire her?
Because that would
be even more wrong
than it was
to hire her.
(sighs):
Nope, I'm afraid
we'll have to
keep her on with us now
till she dies.
KAHN:
Well!
That very clever prank
you play, Hank Hill.
You take advantage
of poor, old,
defenseless woman
to spite neighbor.
Wait till your mother come
here on rocking chair
tied to roof of car...
I make her dance
for nickel!
(screaming In Laotian)
(laughter)
Dang ol' Kahn, man!
I've never seen this woman clean
anything, but I enjoy her work.
(television plays)
Hello, Mr. Hill.
Oh, hi, Laoma.
Please continue
to watch your sports game.
I will not disturb you.
Oh, I know, I know.
I'm just stretching
my legs.
(quietly):
Uh-oh. Sticky stain.
(grunting)
No, Mr. Hill.
It is okay.
You stay and watch.
I insist.
(grunting)
Oh, God.
Time for afternoon snack.
You... You brought me a snack?
You are the male child
of the family.
Your responsibility is great,
and so must be your nourishment.
Melted cheese, roast beef,
sauerkraut...
this is a Reuben sandwich!
(choked up):
I wasn't expecting this.
I-I...
(clears throat)
I gotta sit down.
Oh, Minh. My heart is breaking.
With every speck of dirt Mama
clean from hillbilly's toilet,
it one more speck
of dirt on my face.
Your mother must not be treated
like a caged bird.
We must let her fly.
Even if it’s just across the
street for a few hours a day.
Tomorrow
Mama's day off.
I must find her
new way to occupy time.
Something she can do
here in house,
instead of in cracker
shack next door.
Day off?
So she be here tomorrow...
with me?
Howdy, fellows!
I see you are all relaxing
after a hard day of work.
(all agreeing)
Yeah, just having a beer.
I bet you wish you had
super-clean homes to go to
like your buddy Hank.
Uh, well, yeah.
Well, there's
good news.
My mother-in-law has remaining
shifts available
at unbeatable prices.
Who sign up first?
Heck, I'll take a day.
I could use some Asian
fingerprints in there.
Why not you, Bill?
Have you become
emotionally attached
to your many rats
and cockroaches?
No. They can leave any time
they want... I wouldn't care.
So hire Laoma. She
practically free.
Well... maybe I should.
I just always figured I'd have
to be rich to be clean.
This will take me
months.
Thank you, Bill.
KAHN:
Huh?
(screaming)
(car crashing)
BILL:
Oh, Laoma, I can't
thank you enough.
My house is clean,
my clothes are clean...
I'm clean.
And I can't believe
how many forks
you found.
It has been my pleasure.
It is a curious thing.
I moved here only to be closer
to my son.
It has been a lovely surprise
that I have also found
something to do.
Yes... lovely.
Oh, something's
on your mind.
As a barber, I've
seen that look
on my own face
in the mirror
many a time.
Well, there
is still a void
that neither family
nor work can fulfill.
Yeah, there's a void
in my life, too.
It's nice to talk to
someone who has
the same void.
Laoma...
forgive me if I'm
out of line, but...
would you ever consider
spending time with me,
you know, outside
of my house?
LAOMA:
A heart attack took my husband
away from me to the next life.
But I believe he returned
as the gentle wind
that blows through
this meadow, even now.
My God, that's the most
beautiful description
of a haunted meadow
I've ever heard.
My heart... it's been
broken so many times!
I will be gentle.
If I may demonstrate...
Oh, Laoma.
Oh...
(kissing)
Mmm... oh!
So, you guys
go to things...
anybody know
where I can get
two tickets
to "Love Letters"
at the Arlen Little Theater?
Good Lord, has your ass gotten
so fat you need two seats?
No. I have a friend.
You can't take a pigeon
to the theater, Bill.
For your information,
she happens to
be a lady,
and we really
like each other.
I got to tell you, things got
pretty hot and heavy last night.
Ooh, good one,
man, Dang 'ol...
Oh...
Way to go, Bill.
Anyone we know?
Yep. It's Kahn's mom.
(splitting)
By God dang, man!
Bill, she's 20 years
older than you.
She's literally an old maid.
My God, she's perfect for you.
Congratulations, Bill!
Aw, thanks.
So, how does Kahn
feel about all this?
Oh, we haven't told him yet.
It'll probably take him
some getting used to,
and we don’t want
to upset him
until the relationship
is on a surer footing.
Dang ol' 9:00, man.
Dauterive!
My mother get home
two hours late
last night.
You work her
overtime?
(stifling laughter)
I'm sorry, Kahn.
We lost track
of the hour.
Well, that
unacceptable.
Every time my mother
come back from
your house,
she sweaty and
exhausted.
(stifling laughter)
Come on, guys,
cool it.
From now on, you stop
riding her so hard.
(all guffawing)
You need to use bathroom,
Mr. Hill?
Uh, no, no. I just, uh...
It's okay.
I come back when you done.
No, no, really,
I'll just do
it later.
I insist. You go
to the bathroom immediately.
I will wait outside
until you have finished.
(sighs)
Uh, are you still
out there?
Yes.
Do you require
assistance, Mr. Hill?
No!
For three years now,
I've had show turtles,
and I've never once
put them in a show.
I'm a freakin' hypocrite.
Any of you
seen my mother?
Well,
that depends.
How are you at receiving
unspeakably awful news?
Dale!
KAHN:
Oh,
there she is.
Wait a minute.
That not
her housecleaning outfit.
(giggling)
Whee!
Ha. What'd he do that for?
(moaning)
Anybody want to watch the game?
Why, Mama?
Why not instead
become bag lady?
Or actress
in pornographic film?
Why must you humiliate me
in worst way imaginable?
Kahn, I do not mean
to shame you.
I am an old, lonely woman.
Bill such a big, strong man.
When I in his arms,
I feel like delicate
little hummingbird, and he my...
Aah! Too vivid. No.
Don't you love me?
Of course I do.
You're my mama.
Kahn, if you
love me,
you will try
to love Bill.
Oh, we just...
Say it.
I... I...
I will try to...
love...
Bill.
BILL:
Oh, I swear Laoma
and I must have been
the handsomest
couple
in that noodle
house last night.
(weak chuckle)
BILL:
Yeah.
You should've seen the
way people's heads turned
when we walked
in together.
(Kahn mutters)
I guess there's
just something
about a couple
that's deeply,
deeply in love.
(groans)
(forced chuckle):
Yeah.
BILL:
'Course you should
have seen
the way Laoma flirted
with the maïtre d'
to get us a table.
(laughing)
Oh, Bill, stop.
Stop, yeah.
Oh, I thought I was going
to lose her
for a minute there, folks.
Bill, you know
I flirt only with you.
(groans):
Oh!
BILL:
Ah, that one is true.
It's true.
She's like a teenager.
She nearly caused me
to hit the guardrail
driving home.
(groans):
Oh. Oh.
I feeling dizzy
and short of breath.
I think
I'm having a stroke.
No, don’t get up.
And call me a crazy dreamer
if you want,
but are we the only intelligent
life in the universe?
I don't think so.
Mm. Yes, Miss Peggy.
Explain the pyramids.
You can't.
KAHN:
No, no, no!
For love of all things holy.
Now my mother swill beer
in alley
like full-blown redneck.
Relax, Kahn.
She happy out there.
And your mother's happiness is
the only thing
that matters to me.
But what if people
at office find out?
Aah!
Used to be
I could go to
work and brag
about my family.
I tell them,
"My daughter a genius.
"She build perfect replica
"of lunar module for
advanced placement
science class."
They have no retort.
Now anything I say,
they counter with,
"Oh, how's that six-toed
possum baby
your mother have with redneck?"
What do you think, Dad?
Does this look like a convincing
replica of Harrison Schmitt?
Ha.
Astronaut turned senator.
Now this is the kind of man
who should be dating my mother.
Man who conquer Moon,
not man who conquer moon pie.
BILL:
Kahn,
I'm so delighted
that you’ve finally
come to see me.
Yeah. Oh.
Well, I wish I could come here
under happier circumstances.
Well, any problem of yours
is a problem of mine.
Yeah, actually,
this one all yours.
See, here the thing.
My mama has fallen in love
with another man.
(gasps)
An astronaut.
Which one?
Harrison Schmitt.
(sighs)
Listen, can you fly spaceship?
No.
Oh.
Then this could be problem.
But... but...
we're in love.
Oh, come on, Bill.
You know it was only
a matter of time
before she leave you.
Like your wife did.
Yeah.
I suppose you're right.
But why didn’t she
tell me herself?
Because she pity you.
Yeah, Mama way too nice
to hurt you
just so she could find
true happiness.
So I guess
she just live out her days
in miserable, unsatisfying
relationship with you.
The important thing is
that Bill gets what Bill wants.
Well, it really
none of my business.
I show myself out.
Yeah.
Okay.
(sighs)
Bill... are you not well?
I... I'm okay.
No.
Something is wrong.
Usually you're licking
bottom of bowl by now.
(sighs)
You are breaking up with me.
Sometimes you have to move on
to find true happiness.
New people show up
into other people's lives,
sometimes wearing space helmets,
I guess.
This... this is what you want?
Well, I think
in the long run
it's better
for both of us.
Don’t you think?
Oh.
Yes.
Of course.
Good.
Then we're broken up.
There's a full moon
tomorrow night.
Now I guess you
can enjoy it
with someone
who's been there.
(cries)
(crying)
KAHN:
Whata rush!
Maybe next
I break up Hank and Peggy.
(groans):
Oh.
I'm not going to pretend
that I really got you two,
but you seemed happy.
Why did you break up
with her?
Well, she was
clean, I was dirty.
Something had to give.
You'll get a new
woman soon, Bill.
Remember, you scored
with an older chick.
You're the man now.
Oh, no wait.
I was thinking
of high school.
Sorry.
Mama, time to trim my ear hair.
Oh, you doing laundry. Good.
Minh refuses
to iron my socks.
No, Kahn.
I am leaving,
though I will try to
get a few loads done
before I go.
Pinebrook Acres?
It is a combination
retirement home and cemetery.
It's really quite
convenient.
But everything perfect now.
Everybody happy!
I am sorry,
but it is too hard
to have Bill so close.
And the home will be fun.
I am sure there
will be parties
where they make us
wear little paper hats.
Oh! Sill undercooked.
Un-be-freakin'-lievable.
Damn that Laoma.
She just waltzes
into my life,
teases me with labor
at slave wages,
and then runs off
to a nursing home.
No soup?
Where's the fish course?
This isn't right.
I'm the firstborn male.
Look, I should be
in the warm tub right now
contemplating.
(yawns)
Baa!
What the hell are you doing,
Bill?
Ugh! Sorry.
It’s just that this is
where Laoma
and I first made love.
Ugh.
I don't get it, Bill.
You broke up with Laoma,
and now you're pining over her?
I only broke up with her
'cause I found out
she was involved
with an astronaut.
What?
Uh-uh.
Harrison Schmitt.
And I didn’t want
to stand in the way
of her being
with such a great guy.
Look, I don't know about any...
Harrison Schmitt?
Really?
Well, look,
whoever it is,
you just have to go to Laoma...
somewhere far away
from my front stoop...
and make sure you tell her
how you feel about her
and that nobody can
take care of her
better than you can.
Yeah, but Kahn said...
Don't worry about what
Kahn or anybody else says.
You've got to take
your best shot.
And then if she chooses
someone else,
well, at least
you tried.
Look out, Spaceman.
Bill Dauterive
is coming through!
I hate
to see you
so unhappy
because of...
Bill Dauterive.
But, uh...
But who knows
why he does
what he does.
BILL (shouting):
Laoma!
Okay, time's a-wastin'.
Laoma!
Bill?
Laoma, wait.
Don’t go.
I am sorry.
I must.
Where is he taking you?
Houston?
Cape Canaveral?
Okay, Dauterive finally snap.
Come on, we go inside,
call 911.
Look, I don't care
about your rocket boy,
and I don't care what kind
of gifts he makes you.
You want to know
what I think of him?
(grunts)
Hey!
I never stopped
loving you, Laoma.
I just wanted to let you
find happiness
with Astronaut Schmitt.
But I know
you'll only find
true happiness with me.
Oh, Bill.
Oh.
Wait.
Astronaut who?
Yes, Harrison Schmitt.
Kahn told me everything.
Kahn?
Mama,
it not what it look like.
I only did it
because the thought
of you two together make me sick
to the very pit of my stomach.
Oh, come on.
Like you all wouldn't
have done the same thing
if Dauterive was
after your mother?
(groans):
Oh.
You know, this not so bad.
It kind of like those dogs
that so ugly, they almost cute.
Yeah.
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access. Wgbh. Org
UH OH, sticky stain...