King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 7, Episode 21 - Night and Deity - full transcript

PEGGY:
Welcome
to the Audubon Society's 43rd

and Peggy Hill's First
Annual Backyard Bird Count.

(gasps):
Look! The rare and beautiful

Texas Nuthatch.

Well, write it down,
people! Write it down!

I have asked our Native American
friend, John Redcorn,

to join us
as our expert bird identifier.

My people believe,
when the world was new,

the creator made all the birds.

He colored their feathers and
told them to greet each day

with a chorus of songs.



Why you stop
fooling around

with that John Redcorn?

He is so smoking,
smoking hot.

Hey, Dale's
hot, too...

in his own way.

Gribble team ready.

I'm assuming
you'll want the heads

for identification purposes.

You're supposed to count
the birds, Dale.

Eventually,
they will be counted.

Oh! A bird!

It's so, so beautiful.

(laughing)

(giggling)



Ow.

Get off.

Get off! Get off me!

Dang it, Dale.

You are a professional
exterminator.

You said you
could handle this.

I'm on it.

These birds don't
stand a chance

against this ultrasonic
bird distress emitter.

(evil laughter)

I was up all night listening to
sounds that'll drive you crazy.

(loud horn cacophony)

(Dale laughing)

How long does this
have to go on for?!

Forever!

Scram. Move!
Scoot. Go.

I can't get inside
these pigeons' heads!

Bill, you're a filthy
flocking animal.

Would this scare you?

Ooh.

No.

That's it.

This job is too much for me.

It's time to bring in
the big gun,

the top-shelf pigeon
exterminator of Heimlich County,

the pigeon god.

Well, great. Call him up.

She's a woman,
and are you a fool?

The pest-control world

insurmountably-colored,
propane candyland

where you can
just call people.

To get the baddest
of the baddest ass,

promises must be exchanged,

payola paid,

reputations put
on the line.

Sounds kinda scary.

Oh, it is,
and then some.

If the pigeon god...

or to her parents,
Sheila Refkin, Ph. D...

decides to stoop down
to help our piddly little cause,

it will be as if witnessing
the beginning of time!

Three more days and I am 21.

Whoo! This is so exciting.

I'm gonna be so much older
and maturer.

Oh, I'm gonna get
really wasted at my party,

so would one of you guys
be my designated driver?

I'd love to.

Wow. Thanks, Aunt Peggy.

I will make your
birthday party

so much fun, and

I can be there to
gently remind you

that as the daughter
of an alcoholic,

you have a genetic gun
pointed at your head,

and with every drink

you are adding another
bullet to the chamber.

Would you be
my designated driver?

No, I-I don't really... No.

It's okay, Uncle Hank.

I'll just drive home drunk.

There are so many great things
I can crash my car into...

a ditch, a telephone pole,
a busload of babies!

(sighs)

Fine.

Bobby,
eat your chicken!

I can't eat this.

They're watching me.

(knocking)

I did it.

A meeting has
been arranged

with the pigeon
god's assistant.

We leave in five.

DALE:
He's not here yet.

It's a setup!

Oh.

Be cool.

Ako manglangan ang

kalapatl dlyos.

(trap snaps)

Hmm.

Slya nasaln maarl
dlyan bukas.

Arlen's best exterminator
is coming to our alley.

What should I have her sign?

My canister? My traps?

My face?

Oh, my God!

If I start acting like a fool,
take me outwith this poison.

Oh, wow.

How y'all doing?

Sheila Refkin,
Heimlich County Pest Management.

This is one impressive
infestation.

Was this neighborhood
built on a landfill?

Uh...

(high-pitched):
Dale Gribble.

Uh! Dale's Dead Bug!

Did I say Dale's
Bug Dead? Idiot!

Dale Gribble!

(sputtering)

Whoa, that's some kinda
spray wand you got there.

Bet you could blast one hell
of a gopher with that thing.

I could blast through a
horse to get to the gopher.

Look at the way
she applies that chemical.

She has clearly read
the directions.

Man, that dang
ol' Sheila,

looking all pretty
like that, man.

I'm talking
'bout my bedroom.

Not talking about
no pigeons, man.

SHEILA:
Dale, honey!

Would you mind grabbing

a caulking gun
and helping me out?

Do you know
how many years

I've wished Peggy
would ask me that?

Naah!

I don't deserve to be
administering chemical

next to an exterminator
of your magnitude.

I'm also
not licensed to.

Oh, pooh.

You have to squeeze
the trigger gently.

Just pretend like
you're holding

a pretty girl's hand.

Pigeons hate anything
sticky on their feet.

When the gel gets
on their foot,

they fly away because

they can't handle
the sensation.

Eh!

...and then Luanne
ditches me for Hank.

I have driven
for 20 years

without an accident... one
that wasn’t my fault, anyway.

Who is that woman?

Oh, that's the new
hotshot exterminator.

Anyway,

so Luanne
says to me...

She's trouble.

But wouldn't that
be poetic justice?

I come back to Dale,

and then he runs off
with another woman?

(laughing)

(laughing)

Oh... I would say it's ironic,

but you’re the one
it's happening to.

You can call it
what you want.

(laughs)

(sobs)

Excuse me.

Dang ol'...

(clears throat loudly)

Nancy!

I was just
telling Boomhauer

that Sheila's
can and your can

share some striking
similarities.

Show him your can, Nancy.

I don't think so.

You know I don't
like you looking

at other ladies'... areas.

How can I help it?

She's got your hot
bod and my hot mind.

It's like some
science experiment

that's gone
horribly right.

Dale, honey!

Could you bring me up

the Johnson's Pestgo
Bird Repel Gel 320ml?

Oh, man.

I could talk about
the Johnson's Pestgo

Bird Repel Gel 320 mil
for the rest of my life.

Hey, Nancy, could
you grab it for me?

It's right behind you.

(laughs loudly)

You have no idea
what that is!

Oh, I-I shouldn't

laugh at you.

(snickers)

But when you picked
up the Diazanon...

Oh, I got to send that
in to "Bugs and Giggles."

Yep.

Yep.

Mmm. Mmm-hmm.

(laughing):
You're so funny.

Yup.

Pardon us
for being excited.

We're unleashing some
pretty supreme chemical

in the alley
this afternoon.

Tell them about the chemical,
will ya, huh?

Well, as you know,
pigeons live in a flock.

So we pick
the alpha male.

Then we feed him a
mild hallucinogen
called Avitrol.

Which is cleverly disguised
as a kernel of corn.

Bill, don’t eat

any corn on
your lawn.

And then the
other pigeons

see their alpha
male flipping out.

They say, "Hey, we don't want
any of that mess,"

and the flock relocates itself.

Isn't she a
freaking genius?!

No, wait.

She's a god.

Oh...

So I'm doing
an overnight

at the Econo Suites
this weekend.

Pigeons, rats,
silverfish.

You feel like
coming along?

You"re asking me
to join you

on your route?

I'd love to.

And tomorrow
they're going

on an overnight
extermination job

just like
when John Redcorn and I

went on our "migraine cruise"
to Ensenada.

Well, you need to tell
Dale just to back off!

Use this if you have to.

Oh, how can I say
anything to him?

I was Unchristian to Dale
for a long time.

I just want
my sug back, sug.

Maybe you should try to be
more involved in Dale's life.

You know, be a bigger part
of his world.

But Dale's world is so...

I don't really want...

No, I wouldn't either,

but you seem to want
to save this thing.

Yep.

Mm-hmm.

I totally agree
with you, Sheila.

The second Lionel Jefferson
was much better.

The first guy was
all 'fro, no show.

Are we simpatico or what?

I'm on the phone.

Sheila, let me
call you back.

Fine. Here's my ear...

Touch it.

I killed a spider
in the kitchen today.

I cannot explain
the rush I got.

So... I was thinking...

there must be all
kinds of fun stuff
to kill on your route.

Mind if I tag along?

I dunno, Nancy.

It takes a special
kinda lady to do what I do.

I can be a
special kinda lady.

(explosion)

(yells)

Ah! Nancy! Shoot it!

This is what you do?!

(Dale shrieking)

So I'll pick you up at midnight?

Honk twice so I don't shoot ya!

Sug. Sugar.

Suggie, sug, sug.

I just wanted to
come out here

and give you a
little present

for including Dale on
this big job tonight.

It's a gift
certificate.

I figured a hard-working woman
like yourself

might enjoy a nice massage.

"John Redcorn's
New Age Healing Center."

Sounds relaxing.

Make sure to ask for
the "migraine special."

That's the "migraine special."

Oh, look at the certificate.

It expires in two hours.

You should go now. Now.

Are there any special areas
you'd like me to focus on?

Well, Nancy Gribble said
I should ask for the...

"migraine special"?

I'm sure Nancy told you
about the time I cured

four of her migraines
in one night.

Actually, I'm really more
Dale's friend.

It's weird.

Dale and I have only
known each other a few days,

but we have this, um...
almost primal connection.

You know, like bugs do.

To receive the full benefit
of my therapeutic massage,

you must quiet your mind.

Oh, I can't help it.

I'm so excited
about my job tonight.

Dale and I have
so much fun together.

The other day,
as a practical joke,

he put a dead possum
in my Igloo cooler.

We laughed!

Dale...

(sighs)

What am I supposed to wear
to Luanne's birthday party?

I need something that says,

"I am not some weird,
old guy in the bar.

I am here against my will."

Some kind of designated driver
you are.

Pressure's already
too much for you, huh?

Well, God help Luanne.

GIRL:
Oh! Happy
birthday, Luanne!

(dejected sigh)

Nancy, I feel I should warn you.

Man, this is an awkward call.

I think this woman
is interested in Dale.

You shouldn't let him
go out tonight.

Well, that's why I
sent her to you.

What about the massage?

It was just a massage.

And she assumed
the tip was included

in the gift certificate.

What's up, Hefner?

Hey, you take that back.

I am the designated driver,

and I'd like a wristband
that reflects that.

That guy is
so handsome.

And you can tell
by how hard he's laughing

at that lady’s joke, that he's
got a great sense of humor.

He's got a great sense
of ass in those jeans.

Hey, hey, hey.

...don't normally
pick up chicks in bars.

Oh, God, no, no, no.

I can't be
here for this.

Hey, what's your name,
beautiful?

It's Luanne,
but you could call me beautiful.

I'm totally flirting
in a bar!

I have never needed a beer
so bad in my entire life.

I don't normally pick up chicks
in bars, but you're special.

Kind of like the sunrise...

in Italy.

Have you ever been?

You would love it.

LUANNE:
Oh, my God!

Are you inviting me to go
to Italy with you?

(chuckles)

I'm sorry, but this
is just so asinine.

I'm going to get
another free soda.

The sunrise...

(laughs, moans)

You ready?

GIRL:
Pop-per! Pop-per! Pop-per!

(coughs)

No, I... I am the designated...

Aw!

(coughing)

Oh, I tell ya, man,
that dang ol' pigeon's

freakin' out, man.

It's the chemicals.

He's tripping.
And pretty hard.

Come on.

We'll get you through this,
little fella.

(horn honks)

I don't know why you need
to go outwith her tonight,

but I'm not going
to stop you.

I'm so nervous.

Can you smell
my armpit?

(sniffs)

I don't think my
deodorant's working.

(doorbell ringing)

Dale, you cannot go!

You just tell
your little friend

to go on home.

Well, that's not very friendly.

I never told you to tell your
friend John Redcorn to go home.

See you in
the morning.

This is going to be
a long night, sug.

Thanks for waiting with me.

Mm-hmm.

We will get through
this together.

Maintain... Maintain...

Maintain...

Yeah, man, you’re just
home, you know, just chillin'

with your lady
in your ol' nest, you know.

You got little bird
in the sky, man.

You know, you did poop
on my car, you know,

but we’ll talk about that later,
you know.

Don't worry about it
right now, you know.

Ah. I just fell down,
and you know why?

I'm drunk.

So am I!

But you’re
our driver.

I can't drive,
and you can't drive.

How are we going to drive
if we can't drive?

Yeah, I know,
it's terrible, but...

I put this song
on. It's mine.

You've played the same damn
song six times in a row.

"New rule"...you can't listen
to my song anymore.

Oh. I'm having so much fun,
you guys.

Ah, happy birthday, Luanne.

Let's do this
every Friday night.

This is so great.

For the first time
in my life, I feel like

I'm really detecting rat urine.

Dale, all we ever
talk about is work.

Let's take a break.

LUANNE:
This is beautiful.

Where are we?

It's where I park
when the world

doesn't make
any sense to me.

Does this make any sense?

HANK:
No!

(R&B music plays)

(snoring)

Look at all those
pests out there.

I wonder if we'll ever
win this war.

Don't you just find
the mating habits of
animals fascinating?

When a pigeon wants to
mate, it makes this noise.

(cooling)

Interesting.

When cockroaches want to mate,

they flush all the air
out of their book lungs.

It sounds kind of like...

(wheezing)

(cooling)

(wheezing)

Well, it's getting late.

You want to go downstairs?

I got us a room.

I'm warming up some brandy
in the coffee maker.

Wait a second.

Are you attempting to know me?

Dale, you are one of
the sweetest, gentlest,

funniest men I've ever met.

True,

but Sheila, I'm married.

It’s just us tonight.

Oh, no, Missy.

There are three people
here tonight.

You, me

and my wife.

I've taken two oaths
in my life.

One to the NRA and the other
to Nancy Hicks-Gribble,

nee Nancy Hicks.

I stood in front of God
and all my friends

swearing to be an honorable
and truthful man.

So I'm not going to lie,

I h-have felt a very small,
insect-like attraction for you,

but my wife

is the greatest woman
there ever was.

I think you should go.

(cooling)

Geez, woman,

take a hint.

(cooling)

You heard me.
I love my wife.

Dale?

Man, you should have seen

the size of this roach
I couldn't kill.

We are never staying
at the Econo Suites.

Hey, did you know Sheila
was trying to come on to me?

No. Really?

Yeah, she was all over me.

It was weird.

She knows I'm married.

Oh, wingo,
I didn't miss my show.

You want to watch it with me?

Sure.

That was a hell of a night.

(cooling and wheezing)

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